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Knock. Knock? Knock. Knock. “Whoever that is,” Lucifer said, “you need to stop.”
“Not until you complete your German lesson.” Lucifer rolled their eyes.
“My German lesson? Seriously? When have I ever expressed any interest whatsoever in the German language?”
“You signed up for Duolingo over a century ago and haven’t actually used it for anything! Now’s a better time than ever to expand your brain.”
“No.”
“Ja.”
“Nein!”
“So, you do know German!” Lucifer shrugged.
“Ein bisschen.”
“Perfekt!” A garishly green owl pranced into the throne room and beamed up at Lucifer. “Ich bin Duo!”
“I gathered that. I’m Lucifer Morningstar.”
“Really? You have your name as ‘Lucifer Morningwood’ in our database.”
“That must have been someone else.”
“I don’t think so.” Lucifer crossed their arms.
“I do.”
“Agree to disagree?”
“Fine.” Duo smiled and conjured up a cartoonishly massive loaf of bread.
“Was ist das?”
“Bread.”
“Auf Deutsch?”
“Brot.” Duo nodded enthusiastically.
“Gut gemacht! Was ist das?” he asked as he whipped out a bottle of water.
“Wasser.”
“Ja! Und das?” Duo pointed to the bottle itself, and Lucifer groaned.
“Eine Flasche.”
“Du bist klug, Lucifer!”
“Ich bin sick of this shit. Please leave.” Something flashed across Duo’s otherwise friendly expression—something malevolent.
“Nein.”
“I’m the ruler of Hell, not you.” Duo held up a carton of milk and glared at Lucifer.
“Was. Ist. Das?”
“Milch.”
“Der Milch, oder das Milch, oder—?” A slight sweat broke out on Lucifer’s forehead.
“Die Milch.”
“Ja! Ja.” Duo squatted on the floor and released a rather odorous bowel movement. “Was ist das?”
“Scheiße.”
“Und das?” Duo pressed a blade to Lucifer’s throat, and they raised their eyebrows.
“Duo! What the fuck are you doing?”
“Auf Deutsch?”
“Was machst du?” Duo retracted his knife with a relieved sigh.
“Sehr gut.”
“Duo, I don’t appreciate having my safety jeopardized for educational purposes.”
“Too bad. It’s the only way you seem to cooperate.”
“I was cooperating just fine with your bread and your milk!”
“Wasn’t fine enough for my standards.” Duo suddenly seized up and squeezed an egg out onto the floor. “Mein Gott!” he yodeled as his eyes drifted in different directions.
“Aren’t you male?”
“Ja!” Once Duo regained his composure, he gestured to the egg. “Was ist das?”
“Ein Ei.”
“Und ich? Was bin ich?”
“Eine Eule?”
“Eine schöne Eule.”
“Es tut mir leid.”
“Apology not accepted,” Duo said flatly.
“Oh, fuck you and your stupid Deutschklasse.”
“Do you value your life?”
“Somewhat.”
“Just know that I have the power to end it.” Lucifer cackled and snapped their fingers, paralyzing Duo instantly.
“I’m the one in power here, you green little idiot.”
“Ich,” Duo croaked, “liebe—”
“Don’t say it. Please. I’m not attracted to birds.”
“Ich liebe Deutsch!”
“Oh. Okay.” Duo weakly raised his wing into the air and scowled at Lucifer.
“Deutsch ist nicht tot.” Lucifer frowned.
“I wish you were.”
“You really want me to die?” Duo asked with glistening eyes.
“Ja.” Duo crawled closer to Lucifer’s throne and yanked a meat grinder out of thin air.
“Ich habe ein Geschenk für dich.”
“Oh, absolutely not. That’s not a present I ever asked for.”
“Es ist ein Schuh!” Duo brought the meat grinder to Lucifer’s foot, and they shrank away from it.
“Stop it, Duo!”
“Nein!” Duo fluttered into the air and pressed the meat grinder against Lucifer’s head. “Ist es ein Hut?” Lucifer shoved him away, and he slammed into the wall.
“It’s not any sick and twisted article of clothing you can imagine, you asshole!”
“Auf Deutsch?” Duo whispered as his beak began to bleed.
“No.” Lucifer stalked over to Duo and grinned down at his frail body. “I’m going to fucking murder you.”
“Warum?”
“Say a German word one more time. I dare you.” Duo cracked a smile.
“Ein deutsches Wort.”
“That’s it!” Lucifer stomped on Duo until he became an avian pancake doused in raspberry syrup. “Fuck you, Herr Duo!”
“Lucifer!” Mazikeen called out from the doorway. “What’s going on in there?”
“I just taught that stupid Duolingo bird a lesson of my own.” Mazikeen stood beside Lucifer and sighed disappointedly.
“You obliterated him.”
“It was more than necessary.”
“All he wanted to do was help you.”
“That German vermin was evil.” Mazikeen took a deep breath.
“I highly doubt that.”
“He shat on the floor, laid an egg, and tried to murder me.”
“And look at how you retaliated!”
“Kill or be killed.”
“You’re so dramatic.”
“At least I’m alive.” Mazikeen smiled.
“Right.”
“You don’t believe me that he was dangerous, do you?”
“Nein! Ich glaube dir.”
“I didn’t realize you wanted to join Duo as a corpse on the floor.”
“I don’t, Lucifer.”
“Then quit it with the Deutsch.”
“Fine.”
“Hallo?” a squeaky voice asked from the egg Duo had laid earlier. Lucifer and Mazikeen shared a horrified glance.
“I’m not ready to be a parent,” Mazikeen whispered.
“Neither am I.”
“Ich bin Duo!” the voice exclaimed. “Ich bin eine schöne Eule!” Lucifer glowered over at the tiny Duo peeking out of his egg.
“Shut your trap.”
“Wo ist mein Vater?” Mazikeen grimaced, but Lucifer coldly pointed to Duo’s mangled body on the ground.
“He’s dead as a doornail.”
“Was?” Duo shrieked. “Nein!”
“Quit crying over your dead father,” Lucifer said as they seized Duo in their fist and began to crush him.
“Lucifer!” Mazikeen yelled. “Animal cruelty isn’t okay!”
“This is no animal.”
“Hilf mir!” Duo screamed, his eyes bugging out of his head as Lucifer clenched their fist even further.
“This thing is the spawn of Duolingo himself, Mazikeen. There’s no chance of salvation here.” Mazikeen shook her head.
“We can fix him!”
“No, we can’t. It’s time for him to go.”
“I refuse to watch you kill a cute little owl!”
“Then close your eyes.”
“Lucifer!”
“What?” Duo started to spew blood all over the throne room, and his eyes violently combusted (thus releasing carbon dioxide and water).
“This is inhumane!”
“I don’t give a shit!”
“Eine Scheiße?” Duo gurgled as blood gushed from his every orifice. Lucifer chucked him at the floor, and he bounced up to the ceiling like a disfigured ball before splatting directly onto Lucifer’s throne.
“Is he dead?” Mazikeen asked warily after a moment of contemplative silence.
“He’d better be.” Mazikeen wrapped her arm around Lucifer and hung her head.
“Come on, Lucifer. Let’s go somewhere else.” She led Lucifer out of the throne room, and Duo twitched one final time before going eternally still.
Duo may have tragically passed away (twice), but Deutsch ist nicht tot.
Auf Wiedersehen, Freunde.