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Hisagi did not know how to deal with women. Everyone knew, at the very least, that he did not know how to deal with Rangiku Matsumoto when either of them were sober. Well, that wasn't entirely true. If it was shinigami business related, he could handle it. Other than that? No. He didn't stand a chance.
Today was a prime example. She was leaning on his desk, her elbows close to her and her breasts close to his face. She had fluttered her eyelashes, dropped her voice an octave, and put what the other men referred to as her “you love me, and you'll do anything for me” face on, and he was putty in her hands.
Except for the nosebleed. After he had sprayed her creamy white skin with the blood that came gushing out of his nose she got up very quickly and, rather than be concerned for him, frantically begin to wipe herself off, screeching the entire time. It was at that very moment that his infatuation with her began to dim, and he turned to the idea that there were many other women in the Gotei 13 that he could choose from. Rangiku was not the “end all, be all” of attractive women he knew.
He just had to get them to notice him.
–
He hadn't meant to appreciate her all that much, but he had to admit that not only did he admire Captain Unohana but she was attractive, too. However, he knew he stood no chance at all, so he turned his focus on her lieutenant. Isane Kotetsu was pretty in her own way, and he didn't mind that she was tall. But...she just wouldn't stop hurrying around for him to get even the slightest conversation in.
When he was finally able to stop her, just to say hello, she blushed bright red and stammered an apology as she hurried off again. He tried three more times before he gave up. She was probably just as bad with men as he had been with Rangiku, but if she was too busy then maybe it was best that she not be someone he focused on.
It wasn't until a week later that he learned something very important about Isane. He had learned it completely by accident. He had hurt himself in the newsletter office, and had carried his hurt wrist there with some urgency (after all, how can an editor work if he can't move his wrist?) and was directed to Captain Unohana's office. The door was open slightly, and when he went to knock with his good hand it pushed open.
Two women gasped and flew apart when he made a strange noise. Both were as red as tomatoes, and he was sure he was as red as they were. All three were too shocked at each other for Captain Unohana to even scold him before he was pulled inside and told that if he repeated what he had seen his life would be forfeit to the 12th Division captain and whatever science experiment the man was running at the moment.
And that was how he learned that neither Retsu Unohana or Isane Kotetsu were interested in men as anything more than friends.
–
With one brush of bad luck behind him (and a splinted wrist...apparently he had broken it), he decided to avoid women altogether and drink the pain away with Kira. Only Kira decided that they should drink with Ikkaku, who invited Renji, who was followed by Kyoraku. Hisagi had so much to drink that night that entire hours were permanently blocked out from his mind. One thing he remembered very clearly, however; he remembered Nanao Ise hitting him in the head with a sandal. He remembered it because she went to hit him a second time and hit his wrist with her fist and there was blinding pain and another trip to the healing center, where he slept off the night.
He went to go extract an apology from the woman, and ran into her with her captain. He had learned, after his trouble with the Fourth Division, to approach with caution, but she was just yelling at him. He knocked on the door, and she turned her glare at him. He looked at her, sighed, and shut the door again. His head and wrist were still pounding, and to be quite honest he just didn't want to deal with her. Maybe one day (or one year, or one century) he'd get that apology.
But today was not going to be that day, he reflected as he walked away, hearing various threats being loudly delivered. Not when she was in that kind of mood.
–
Nemu Kurotsuchi was a whole different matter. She was attractive, yes, but...she was emotionless. He wanted some woman he was with to have some flicker of emotion cross her face. And her father...or “father,” he should say...creeped him the hell out. But every once in a while they would be forced to be in the same room, under the watchful eye of her father (creator...everyone knew the truth, to be honest, but he scared the crap out of them so they just went along with father).
Only today he had to deal with Nemu and Yachiru Kusajishi. Going from emotionless to bouncing off the wall was not a pleasurable experience, but every so often he had to do it. At least Yachiru was being respectful of the fact he was injured (and now in a cast as opposed to a splint, thanks to Nanao Ise) though she kept taking a marker and trying to draw on it.
Finally, he relented, and his left wrist was sitting on the table and Yachiru was happily drawing on it as he was looking to his right, trying to coax something out of Nemu that was not praise for the freaky man who always disturbed him. They had work today, and he was going to get it done so he could get out of there and go grab a cup or two or more of sake and relax.
And he didn't know how it happened but Yachiru did something and he was off the seat and sprawled on top of Nemu and Mayuri was screeching and...mercifully, it all went black a few minutes later when he got hit on the head with something. He had never ever Ever been more thankful for a concussion in his life.
–
Isane, still blushing furiously (and she seemed to do that every time he was around and not as much when other men were around, not that he'd had much chance to notice in the last two days), checked him every few hours. While he'd been knocked out, and no one had been able to tell him how the table landed on his leg so hard, his leg had been broken, so he was in two casts with a concussion He decided at that point that he wanted nothing more to do with women ever again. They were too much trouble.
The knock at his door startled him. “Yeah?” he said, wary.
The door opened and he saw Lieutenant Ise standing at the door. She didn't look angry like she had that morning. In fact, if he had to really consider it, she looked...concerned. “I apologize for intruding, Lieutenant Hisagi,” she said.
He waved his cast free hand. As long as she didn't try and injure him he didn't care if he had company. And while she might get angry, she wasn't going to shriek at him, get easily embarrassed, have an overprotective “father” or be a hyperactive little kid. He could handle angry, just not that well at the moment.
She squared her shoulders and stepped into the room, pausing to close the door behind her. She made it close to his bed and then bowed deeply. “I apologize for hurting you even more last night,” she said quietly.
He got his apology in less than twenty-four hours. He stared at her in surprise. “Thank you,” he said, inclining his head.
She looked at his face for a moment, then at his casts, then back at his face. “It appears that you have had a bad few days,” she said.
“Yeah,” he said with a nod. “But...it can't--”
“Don't say it!” she said, her eyes widening. “If you say it worse things will happen.”
His mouth hitched up in a slight smile. “Then thank you for stopping me.” She looked at him, and a small smile formed on her face. He had never seen her with even the ghost of a smile on her face, and it looked appealing. Still, he'd decided to give up on women, so it didn't matter. “I have a question for you.”
“Yes?” she said.
“What did I do that caused you to hit me with the sandal?”
She blushed, just slightly, and looked down. “You started reciting bad poetry in an attempt to ask me out on a date. I was embarrassed.” And then she looked up. “I should not have resorted to physical violence to get you to stop. I should have simply left.”
"Well, I'm sorry I embarrassed you,” he said, shifting slightly.
“I would prefer that if you were to ask me out you be sober and ask me simply,” she said quietly. She caught the look of surprise on his face and she smiled slightly, more than she had before. “I would not be adverse to going out on a date with you, as long as you stayed sober and were appropriate on the date. I am not Lieutenant Matsumoto, after all.”
“Huh,” he said. “Well...when they let me out of here, would you like to have dinner?”
She nodded. “I would,” she said, her smile deepening. Then, apprehensively, she came over to him, very quickly kissed his cheek, and then pulled away and left the room. He took his good hand and touched his cheek gently. Perhaps giving up on women was not the best idea, if he had a woman like her interested in him.