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All in all, things could be a lot worse.
Those were the words Green repeated in his mind as he flitted about the dining room of his Viridian City apartment, anxiously rearranging the dozen red roses in his vase and adjusting the placement of the silverware in preparation for Valentine’s Day dinner. It was his mantra, the soundtrack to his tidying, as every bump and thud caused him to snap his head towards the door. It was 17:00, and he had told Red to come over at 17:30, which meant he had at least another hour and a half to spiral in self-doubt. Something about living on a mountain and isolating yourself from the rest of the world fucks up your internal clock, Red had explained. It wasn’t that Green didn’t matter enough for him to make an effort, or that Red hated coming down to visit, or that Red didn’t love him at all- it was something else that kept him from showing up on time.
Green shook his head, trying to uproot the negative thoughts that were trying to take hold in his mind. Whether or not they held any truth aside, they weren’t useful. Thinking about how worthless he was didn’t help him get dinner ready. He just had to focus, to self-soothe with the slogan of his and Red’s relationship: it could be worse.
Green knew it could be worse, and not just in an abstract sense, either. It had been worse, for a long time, and while Green wouldn’t go as far to say that he was happy, things surely had changed for the better.
It had been worse fifteen years ago, when they left Pallet Town together, when they stopped being friends and became rivals. It had been worse when Red took the championship from him, the person he loved the most stealing the only thing he had ever wanted after he had only had it for ten minutes. It had certainly been worse when Red disappeared for ten years, a period Green had spent convinced that he had killed his best friend. It was worse when Green found Red, not because Red missed his loved ones or felt even the slightest bit of remorse for abandoning his family, but because Gold was nosy and wanted to investigate rumours of a crazy-strong trainer on top of Mt. Silver. It was worse when they first began dating, when the only way for Green to see his boyfriend was to spend a weekend freezing his ass off atop the highest peak on the continent. It was worse when Green accused Red of not loving him- a point that Red didn’t even try to argue- and told him that if he didn’t start putting in effort, it was over. It was worse for the week that it was over, where Green cried in his room for seven days straight before giving in and going back up to apologize.
It was better now.
Now, Red would come and visit him, making the trek down the mountain every few months to visit his family. Sure, Green still went up every single weekend, but he had long since given up on Red putting in even half of the effort that he did. Green didn’t deserve it; Red had made that much clear.
After another two hours of switching between obsessively checking the clock and rearranging the throw pillows on the sectional, Green heard a knock at the door. Instantly, all worry voided his head, replaced by the pure joy that filled his heart every time he got to see Red. He jumped up, checking himself out in the hallway mirror to make sure he looked presentable (and that his eyes were still dry) before flinging open the front door.
There, in all his glory, stood the love of Green’s life: Red.
True to form, his lover hadn’t bothered dressing up for the occasion. His blue jeans and white t-shirt clashed with Green’s black button-down and neatly pleated slacks, but he had long since given up on Red putting any sort of effort into his outfits. His signature red snapback did a half-decent job at hiding just how unbrushed his dark brown hair was, but Green knew him too well. None of that mattered, though. What mattered was that Red was standing in the hallway of his apartment building. Red was here to have a romantic dinner with him- he had come down that Arceus-forsaken mountain and it was all to visit him.
As Green finally gave in to his urge to jump his boyfriend, Pikachu leaped off of Red’s shoulder, scampering off to go find Eevee. The two little creatures began chasing each other around Green’s flat, while Green pulled Red inside and shut the door behind them. Red wasted no time, pinning Green to the wall and shoving his tongue into his boyfriend’s mouth, an indulgence Green granted him for a minute before he tapped his shoulder, pressing pause on their sloppy makeout session. Red gave him a puzzled look- they always spent the first hour back together fooling around. Green shook his head.
“Dinner’s getting cold,” Green said teasingly.
Red pouted in response, surging forward to try to connect their mouths again, an action that Green halted by pressing a finger to Red’s lips.
“Maybe if you had been on time, but you were supposed to be here two hours ago. I guess you’ll just have to wait until after.” Despite attempting to keep the mood light, some of the bitterness Green was trying to hide snuck through unintentionally. Red looked taken aback before he nodded, untangling his limbs from Green’s so he could untie his running shoes. They shuffled to the dinner table together in awkward silence, sitting down to eat the romantic meal Green had lovingly prepared.
It took a minute, but soon the mood had returned, playful conversation filling the air surrounding them. Red told Green stories about mountain life, and Green responded with questions that he hoped didn’t show his hatred towards that stupid pile of rocks that Red had put between them.
Times like these, Green could finally feel happy: truly, fully, entirely happy. At that moment, it was just him and Red. Nothing else existed, and even if it did, neither of them cared. Things were good, not just okay, not could be worse , but actually good. When Red smiled at him, Green felt all of the light in the world beaming down on to his face. Red’s laugh sounded celestial, something clear and pure that only existed for him. It was like winter had finally ended, and Green was bathed once again in the solar shimmer of Red’s presence. He never considered himself to be a religious man, but in the brief moments he shared with Red, Green was surrounded by something holy.
After they finished their meal, it was time for Green to worship.
Red was taking a shower, leaving Green alone in his bed.
He felt empty, not just in a physical sense, either. Even though his boyfriend, who had just spent two hours railing him until he couldn’t think straight, was just one room away, the distance between them felt insurmountable. This was always the worst part of seeing Red, when Green was forced out of the fever-dream of domestic bliss they had created back into the real world. In the real world, Red was fleeting. He was a vision of truth and beauty, a blessing Green would never be worthy of holding on to. No matter how tightly he gripped, when the dust settled, all that would remain would be the crescent markings where his fingernails dug into his palms. Red would leave him again. The sun would set, and the world would freeze over once more. All of the thawing and refreezing had left his skin red and raw, and Green didn’t know how much longer he could stand the shock.
“What’s wrong?”
Red’s voice sounded through the fog, and before Green could think any better of it, he spoke.
“Why am I not good enough for you?”
“Green, I-” Red started, reaching out a hand. Green smacked it away. He didn’t want to hear the same bullshit excuses that Red gave him every time he tried to bring up his feelings.
“You what, Red? You care about me? You think about me all of the time? You love me more than anything else?” Green looked up at Red, daring him to respond before denying him the chance to. “Then fucking act like it, Red! You can tell me that you love me until the world explodes, that doesn’t make it true. I’ve hauled my ass up that fucking mountain every weekend for the past five years, and you couldn’t even be bothered to come visit me until when? A year ago? You’ve been here maybe five times, and do you wanna guess how often you’ve been on time? That’s right, not fucking once! Do I really mean that little to you, Red?”
“You know that I have trouble with time, Green.” Red’s response lacked conviction; clearly, he would rather not be having this conversation. Too bad, because for once Green didn’t care about what Red preferred to be doing.
“Great, that fixes everything! You know what I have trouble with? Being alone ninety percent of the time. I have trouble climbing Mt. Silver in a snowstorm. I have trouble feeling good about myself when the one person who’s supposed to love me can’t even fucking bother to change out of the clothes he slept in for Valentine’s Day dinner!”
“That’s who I am, Green, you know that.” Red was starting to raise his voice- nowhere near Green’s level, but he was getting there.
“And I’m not worth the effort to change?” Green challenged.
“Look, if you’re so unhappy, you don’t have to keep putting up with me!” Red was yelling now, not that either of them noticed. “Nobody’s forcing you to be with me, Green. If I really make you that miserable, why don’t you just leave me and get it over with already?”
“Because-” Green choked out, his voice much more of a sob now. “Because I love you, Red, and I would rather spend the rest of my life begging you to stay than have anybody else look at me the way you do.”
Red felt his heart break. He’d done it again.
Numbly, he took Green into his arms, holding him like he was made of porcelain. Red knew that Green was crying, and he knew it was his fault.
Red had spent his entire life hurting Green. He had stolen all of Professor Oak’s love and praise. He had taken the championship title away from him, only letting him have it for ten lousy minutes. He had run away to try to fix it, only to find out that his decade-long absence had destroyed Green emotionally. He had reluctantly let him back in, trying to hold him at a distance so as to not let him burn himself again. Red had done everything he could to keep Green safe, yet he had still hurt him again.
“I love you too, Green. You deserve so much better than me.” Red’s voice was barely above a whisper. The truth was painful.
Green pulled back, staring at Red with confusion.
“All I ever do is hurt you, Green.” Red blinked, feeling liquid roll down his cheeks. Was he crying?
“Then stay,” Green said, voice somewhere between assertive and pleading.
“But I-”
“You only hurt me when you aren’t by my side.”
Green looked up at Red like he held the fate of the universe in his hands. Red looked down at him like he was the whole world.
“Okay,” Red said. “I’ll stay.”
“Promise?” Green asked.
“Promise.”