Archive of Our Own

Moodboard:

I can’t show you a ruined part of myself

Once again I put on a mask and go to see you

But I still want you

- The Truth Untold | BTS (Vocal line) 

○○○ 

"Yoongi?" he knocked twice outside the man's door. He can hear soft rustles inside and he smiles knowing the guy is already up. 

"Yoongi, can I come in?" he asked again softly. It was only 7 AM and both had a long night last night because of the bachelor party. They were so drunk and so wasted that they contacted the wedding organizers to adjust an hour for the ceremony.

"Come in, hyung!" he heard Yoongi say and he slowly opened the door and was welcomed by puffy eyes, head bed, the bed was not made, and Yoongi who had a frown on his face. 

"What time did we finish last night, hyung?" his voice was deep, rough, groggy, and sleepy. Seokjin can't help but smile and fix his hair. 

Yoongi let him. 

"Around 2 AM? The guys are so enthusiastic, Yoongi! My bones hurt carrying you all!" 

"Serves you right, hyung," he snickers. "After all you raised us all by yourself, right?" he produces a dry chuckle and Seokjin jokingly rolls his eyes. 

"Anyway!’’ he claps and it startles Yoongi. ‘’Yah! Yoongi! Get ready now! You can't be late for your wedding!" Yoongi laughs again and gets up with a whine in his voice. 

"Hyung! I was only ever late twice in my life," and goes to the hotel's cabinet for a towel and faces Seokjin again. He crosses his arms and raises his eyebrows.

"Whatever, Yoongi. Go go go," he pushed the laughing man and closed the door behind him but Yoongi still had energy after all the booze and the dancing from last night and opened the door again.

"Get ready too, Seokjin. You can't be late for my wedding!" he snickers and sticks his tongue out like a 5-year-old. Seokjin just laughed and gave him a middle finger.

"Whatever, fucker!" Yoongi laughs too and closes the door. 

Seokjin inhales and exhales shakingly before bonelessly flopping down to the bed.

He managed to calm himself not to cry and hold his emotions for the past weeks and he can't just cry and break down on the day of his best friend's wedding. 

It is true. Yoongi was late only twice ever in his life. Well, it is what Yoongi believes but Seokjin knows it was way more than that. 

Yoongi tends to forget everything around him when he is working on his music or he is drunk. And within their 10 years of friendship, Yoongi gave out 10 promises to Seokjin but never once he remembered and did. 

He promised Seokjin to fetch him one time Seokjin had to commute because his car was on code and he had materials with him from school. 

Yoongi always forgets that he had promised Seokjin a dinner date but when Seokjin realizes he forgot again, he pretends it didn't happen and goes home; cooks their meals and faces Yoongi with all smiles. 

Yoongi also always forgets either his spare key or the code of their door and promises to jot it down but then again he forgets about it the next day. 

And Yoongi forgot his promise to Seokjin that they should still be roommates until they were married. Because obviously, Seokjin is not the one Yoongi is marrying. 

But Yoongi being late and being forgetful sometimes leads them to what they have right now. Their beautiful friendship. 

○○○ 

Seokjin hates 8 AM class but he needed this unit to be able to get summer class advance. It's the middle of the semester and he is now in his sophomore year majoring in applied science. He is coping. And he just wants his college days to be done so that he can apply to medical school right away. 

Their Literature class was in the middle of it when there was a knock and a man came in. He’s wearing a black shirt, tight black jeans, a black beanie, a black mask below his chin, and a black small backpack. He just gave an admission slip to their professor, bowed a little, and scanned the whole room as if he had not just disturbed the ongoing class. 

He walks mindlessly and sits down quietly beside Seokjin who is in the back of the auditorium. He should have done this subject the next semester and joined with Jeongguk, Taehyung, and Jimin – his younger friends he met on first-year orientations–but he is trying to unload his units for his year 3. 

Seokjin offers a small and polite smile and the man beside him just nods. The class continues as if it had never stopped. He also observes the man is not jotting down notes for possible topics in the exams. The man also caught him glancing and bowing a little before speaking that caught Seokjin in his throat. 

"Hi. Would you mind if I take a photo of your notes later?" it's deep and it makes Seokjin shiver in their already cold room. "...the thing is, I forgot to bring something to write on and I just moved in and my things will be arriving tonight, and–" he stopped talking and Seokjin craned his neck in question. 

"Y-yeah," he cleared his throat. "Of course." he smiles at the man and nods. 

Later that day, he discovered the man in his Literature class was Yoongi–Min Yoongi. He’s from Daegu, is a second-year Music student, and is becoming the new roommate of Seokjin in their shared university dorm. And he is moving his stuff silently inside their room and Seokjin is studying on his side of the room. 

He was still bewildered when he arrived earlier after his laboratory class that there were boxes and a keyboard, and lots and lots of wires inside his room. It was not a messy mess, instead, it was an organized mess and there Yoongi introduced himself. 

"I'm sorry if I am disturbing your night, Sunbae-nim. I promised I would be done in no time," Yoongi again bowed and Seokjin waved his hand. 

"No! No! It's okay! And call me Seokjin, Yoongi! Who the hell calls Sunbae these days? I'm not that old of you!" Seokjin retracts his track when Yoongi cracks a big smile on his face. 

"Okay, Seokjin-hyung!" 

"YAH!" 

○○○ 

"Thank you!" Seokjin beams at the hotel staff after receiving the steam iron he borrows. 

He shook his head in disbelief when he opened the hotel room cabinet of Yoongi and his things were still unironed, not organized, and still in their handbags. Surely, Yoongi's obsession with details does not apply to his wedding. 

So, as Yoongi's best friend, as his best man – he has to serve Yoongi, even in the last moments, and steam iron his tuxedo and pants, polish his black shoes, and get his Rolex from its box. 

There is a smile on his face. He loves taking care of Yoongi. Ever since they were roommates since college and having been flatmates for 5 years, Seokjin in his free time juggling being a student before and now a resident, takes time to be observant and sees Yoongi's need. 

The man just needs good care and Seokjin knows Yoongi loves it as it is his dongsaeng privilege from Seokjin. He became nonfunctional, a baby, and a mess when Seokjin was around. 

And Seokjin loves indulging himself. 

○○○

Seokjin just finished his last exam for his second semester. And passed all of his laboratory manuals to his professors too. And his body was ready to sleep and hibernate and just woke up to face his year 3. But when he opened their dorm, he was welcomed by Yoongi's sleeping form on their shared sofa. 

His keyboard was still plugged in, his laptop open with applications Seokjin always sees and he still couldn't understand the different wavelengths on it, note sheets were scattered, and he was snoring. 

"Yoongi?" he called softly, tired too, while moving his shoulder lightly. 

"Hyungie?" the man stirred and immediately he sat up and Seokjin knew he became dizzy because of it. Knowing the mechanism and all that shit and he just sadly sighs. 

"Were you done today? How are your exams?" he sits beside Yoongi and helps him organize his note sheets. 

"I am," he sighs and thanks Seokjin after receiving his sheets. "But I still need to finish this melody for a possible internship next year, and I am nowhere done," he sighs again. "I'll be noisy again tonight, hyung. I'm so sorry," he looks at Seokjin with weary eyes and Seokjin just shakes his head. 

"It's okay. I'm done with my exams," he places his hand on Yoongi's back and pats it slowly. Yoongi leaned on his forearm. Seokjin's breath hitches a little. Maybe he is really tired and his brain is not functioning well right now.

"Did you at least eat?" he asks in a whisper because Yoongi is still leaning and his breathing is even, he might fall asleep again. 

Yoongi shakes his head. "Namjoon, Hobi, and I just took a light lunch earlier after our theory exam and it was like," Yoongi reached his phone on the table – separating him for a while from Seokjin; he could breathe now – tapped it twice, and sighs again. "...5 hours ago," there's a whine in his voice and Seokjin just ruffles his hair and smooths it again. 

Yoongi let him.

"Okay. I'll order something. You rest and I'll wash up," he stands up and reaches for his bag. He needs to run away as soon as possible. He is in danger. His heart is not on his side right now. 

But Yoongi has other plans. He held Seokjin's wrist and gave a small smile and tired eyes. "Thank you, Seokjin," Seokjin accepts his cold hand, engulfs it with his warm hand, taps it twice, and nods. 

"I've got you always, Yoongi-yah." he smiled. 

○○○ 

"HYUNG! Can you calm down?" Yoongi still dares to laugh at Seokjin's panic. He was stopped by a hand on his forearm and Yoongi gathered all his strength to let them face each other. 

"Yoongi! You are not prepared!" he shrieked because he could and Yoongi just smiled at him. 

"Hyung, I'm the one who is getting married. Why are you the one panicking?" Yoongi then steps back from him and starts drying his hair, still having an amused smile and laughing at him. 

Seokjin just stares at him. 

Yoongi let him. 

Yoongi was now shaved, had relaxed shoulders, red from all the hot waters he spent on his body, and smelled good. Seeing him like this makes Seokjin choked up and his eyes start to sting from holding back from crying. 

So he averted his eyes and one by one gave Yoongi what he needed. 

He just watched Yoongi dress unashamedly in front of him. They don't have anything to be ashamed of and do not need to hide, except for his feelings. Being friends for over a decade, they have seen each other's inside and out. Drunk or sober. They witnessed each other's milestones. 

"Hyung, can you help?" he faces Yoongi who has a pout on his lips, before he sighs, holding himself not to cross the boundary they drew, and risks it all for the last moments – because he can't do that. He doesn't want Yoongi to get sad and hate him. 

"Still don't know how to tie your necktie?" he teases and Yoongi just nods before giving him a small smile.

"You know this is not my style," he paused and brought his hand to dust off Seokjin's tuxedo. "And you are always there to tie for me, so," he shrugged his shoulders and Seokjin held his breath after hearing it again for over 5 years of not hearing it.

He scoffs and continues to minister to Yoongi's tie and adjust to his collar. Not looking at his eyes because he can't be the emotional one when he's not the one getting married and he's not the one Yoongi is getting married to. 

He just gulps and gulps, holding his tears as long as he can. As long as Yoongi is looking, he will not break. 

"Are you excited? Hmm? Nervous? How do you feel right now?" he asked instead, to change the topic. Because he can't. He can't respond to that knowing this might be the last time he will be fixing and making Yoongi's necktie for him.

Yoongi holds his wrist and Seokjin looks at him. "I still remember you also asked that to me that day, Seokjin-hyung," he smiled. As if remembering the day from the same scenario the first time he asked Seokjin to help him with his necktie. 

Seokjin smiled and moved his hand because it burns. It burns knowing this will be the last time Yoongi will be holding him close like this. 

"And? It's different from before, Yoongi. You are getting married today and you are facing an interview before," he lastly dusted off Yoongi's suit. Just his hands have something to do before looking at Yoongi's overall and bringing his eyes to him. 

"But still, my answer is the same, Seokjin," Yoongi says in a hushed tone. Before giving Seokjin his Rolex – letting, wanted Seokjin to clasp it for him.

Seokjin accepts it and reaches for his wrist. His heart hurt so much. It clenches, his lungs are holding his breath, his eyes stinging from all the holding he is doing. Knowing the answer to his question. 

"And what is that?" he asked in a whisper, still not faltering, still being strong, and held Yoongi. Boring holes in his wrist because he can't face him again. 

"That everything will be okay because you're here," Yoongi answers near his ears. Seokjin just nodded before looking at him and smiled. 

"I'm glad you are happy, Yoongi-yah." he smiled. Earnestly. 

Seokjin is happy because that is what he wants for Yoongi. Is to be happy even if it is not him by his side. Anymore. 

○○○ 

Seokjin is nervous and he can't remember how many times he made a back and forth throughout their apartment after receiving a text from Yoongi, saying he has something to say after his part-time shift. Seokjin drops everything he is doing (he's just studying and burning his eyebrows from reading anatomy, by the way) and waits for Yoongi to come home. 

He was unsure what Yoongi would say to him tonight. For sure he was careful with his actions, his affections, and even the teasing from their friends – he is reprimanding them for it. 

And the man of the hour came. And Seokjin just stared at him. 

And Yoongi let him. 

"What is it?" his voice small, his breathing controlled, and his eyes big from holding not to cry. 

"I've got a job offer!" Yoongi shouts in joy and breaks the biggest smile. Seokjin stoned for a while and then released the breath he was holding and looked at Yoongi.

"Really?!" Yoongi nods at him frantically, launches himself to Seokjin and hugs him tightly. It was not the first time they hugged but to Seokjin's panic, it was as if it was the first one.

"I received an email from a small company and they liked my work, Hyung! Can you believe it?!" Yoongi faced him. Seokjin just stared at him quietly and he could see the glint of happiness in his roommate’s eyes.

He holds his forearms. ‘’Yoongi-yah, I never doubted your works, you know that,’’ and he patted his head and Yoongi swatted it jokingly and held his hand instead. 

Seokjin is on the edge of crying right now.

‘’Thank you, Seokjin. For being so supportive now and then,’’ Yoongi smiled at him and Seokjin just nodded. Unable to form coherent sentences from how his heart is beating so loud but it is so quiet for Yoongi.

"I've got you always, Yoongi-yah," it is his repeated promises he always declares to Yoongi. 

Early in the morning the next day, Seokjin is having an afternoon class only so he settles on studying inside their apartment when there is a knock on his door. Surely, Yoongi is not a morning person from both of them, so this is new.

‘’Come in, Yoongles!’’ he shouted and closed his book to accommodate his best friend. 

‘’Hyungggg,’’ he laughs when Yoongi flops down in his already-made bed with dishevelled hair, he’s wearing trousers (which are not common in this household), white long sleeves, and a necktie on his hand.

‘’Oh? Is it today? I thought it was next week!’’ he laughs, talking about Yoongi’s job interview. 

‘’It is today and I am in hell, hyung!’’ he whines again it clenches Seokjin’s heart. (What a baby) he thought.

‘’Hyungie, I know you are studying to be a good doctor, the best even! But can you please, please, please spare me a minute and help me with this fucking necktie?’’ he sits up exasperatedly and Seokjin just drag his swivelled chair and hold up his hand. Yoongi is fighting himself not to pout but he is getting there, smiled, and gave Seokjin the blue necktie. 

‘’Who wears a necktie these days anyway,’’ Yoongi stubbornly whispers when Seokjin puts it on his collar. 

Seokjin became quiet and held himself not getting closer enough that their faces might exchange at this point but Yoongi was moving his legs anxiously and biting his nails. He swats it and looks Yoongi in the eyes.

‘’Are you anxious? How are you feeling? Excited? Stop biting your nails!’’ he laughs because Yoongi has unshed tears while shaking his head. He wipes it and flicks Yoongi’s forehead and continues to tie his necktie. 

When he is done, Yoongi is done biting his nails too. (I should cut his nails later) he thought. 

‘’Just do your best, Yoongles. As you always do. They picked you out of everyone who sends their mixtapes and they chose you. So they saw what we saw from you, okay?’’ he is saying while holding Yoongi's forearm and looking directly into his eyes before he drags his chair away from Yoongi slightly because at this distance he might confess right away and he can’t do that. 

He just can’t. 

‘’Thanks, hyung,’’ Yoongi sighs and ducks his head. ‘’As long as you are here, everything will be okay,’’ he looked up and smiled at Seokjin. 

‘’We always support you, Yoongi," (I will always support you) his mind supplements. But he just smiled. And points at the door. "So go, go, go!’’ he stands up and strides a step and pulls Yoongi up. Before dragging him outside his room. 

A coping mechanism – because he is afraid Yoongi might hear how his heart beats so fast and so loud that he thinks he is having premature ventricular contractions (Ewwww) and he shakes his head. And pats Yoongi’s back.

○○○ 

You

I can't do this, Jeongguk-ah

Food stealer 

hyung :(((((( 

prob ur not ok

im sowwy, how what would i do

we're here in the venue

You

It hurts still, gguk

No, y'all don't have to do anything

Food stealer

love u, jin hyung :((

namjoonie hyungie says if the pastor asks if ders sumone ho will object the wed he will stand up

You

Don't joke like this, okay?

Food stealer

ik we r just sad 4 u 

but would u want us to tell yoongi 

You

No, gguk

You are not saying anything

To anyone

And I'm with him right now

For the last time

Food stealer

hyung :(( u r making me cri

hobi said he will sleep w u 2nyt

but jiminie and taehyungie heard it

n so we will be having sleepovers yay! :(( 

You

I love you guys so much

You don't have to do this

Food stealer

dont b silly :(( ily

i dibs for cuddles🥺

"Are you ready?" Seokjin asks and holds Yoongi's hand for the last time. They are now in front of the hall and the procession will start in a few. He can also see the bride's car feet away from them and he knows Yoongi saw it too. 

Yoongi looked him in the eyes. "I am," he nods and tightens his grip on Seokjin’s hand. Seokjin takes it and taps it before letting go and taking a look again at Yoongi. 

His breath hitch again from all the emotions he is bottling up but he needs to be strong for himself. He can’t embarrass Yoongi in front of his parents, his in-laws, his family, his friends, and his soon-to-be wife. So, Seokjin gulps and looks at Yoongi again who is quietly looking at him too. 

‘’This is it,’’ he whispers and taps Yoongi’s shoulder. Yoongi nods and sighs. ‘’This is it.’’ he whispers too. 

This is it for Seokjin too.

This will be the end of his 10-year love for Yoongi. He is finally letting Yoongi go from his heart, he is finally letting go of Yoongi as his roommate, and his best friend because he will be replaced now by the beautiful bride who is waiting for Yoongi. 

He is glad because he has been given a chance to take good care of Yoongi, as a friend, as his best friend, as his one and only Hyung in their group. Because he never once regretted being friends with Yoongi. Being just friends with him. 

Because it is his decision not to tell Yoongi. It is a choice he declares not to burden Yoongi with his love for him. He does not know if Yoongi wants him to tell. In their 10 years of being friends, Seokjin never assumed anything from their friendship.

Yoongi never gives hints and Seokjin tries his best to hide. 

He is afraid. That everything will change about them. He is afraid Yoongi does not feel the same way. He is afraid Yoongi feels the same way. He's contended going home to Yoongi every single day. He is thankful every day he meets an amazing, kind, beautiful man named Min Yoongi. 

And he is happy. Really. That Yoongi finally be with someone he loves. Someone he chooses to marry. Someone brave enough to confess she liked Yoongi and risked everything to make Yoongi choose her too. Seokjin is glad the woman is warm-hearted, has a good heart, is kind, beautiful too, and can take good care of Yoongi, more than what he’s done for Yoongi. 

And Seokjin will willingly let go if Yoongi will come home to that. 

He averted his eyes from Yoongi to the entering bride in the hall. Because he can’t look at Yoongi while playing the piano with a soulful melody while looking lovingly at his bride. It is an attempted murder of Seokjin for his own heart. 

He can’t look at Yoongi crying beautifully for his bride. He can’t see Yoongi smiling and looking so smitten with the love of his life. He can’t look at Yoongi when he knows when he looks, Yoongi will see him too. 

Yoongi will see him hurt. Yoongi will see him letting him go. He can’t look because Yoongi might see him through his eyes begging the pain to stop. Pleading for him to choose him for the last time. But he can’t. He should not. He can’t do that to Yoongi. 

So he just listens. Closing his eyes and gulping too many times not to let his tears come out. 

He remembers the first time Yoongi played his piano in their dorms back in college. How Yoongi’s fingers fit so perfectly in the key tiles of his piano. How solemn and peaceful Yoongi looks while playing his favorite song. 

He remembers the sleepless night of Yoongi perfecting his first-ever mixtape after he was accepted to that music-producing company, and how Yoongi played it for him the first time. And how he gatekeep it from everyone. 

And how Seokjin admitted that night to himself that he was, indeed, in love with his roommate. He is hopelessly and irrevocably in love with his best friend. That he can’t even do anything about it. 

He was so proud of Yoongi for establishing his name in the music industry. Yoongi’s blood, sweat, and tears were worth it after his first album was sold out and how they cried so much for that milestone. 

He was there when Yoongi had nothing and he was here when Yoongi had everything. And he is not sure if he can be there for the next ones when he doesn’t have anything left for himself. 

Seokjin opened his eyes and he saw the bride stop feet away from him, waiting for Yoongi to come down after finishing playing his piece, just for his bride; and she smiled at Seokjin. Tears on her face too. And Seokjin just smiles and nods – finally a stubborn tear drops from the side of his eyes. And he let it. He finally let himself cry. Just in front of her. 

She is so beautiful that Seokjin can’t hate her. He can’t even say anything bad about her because he witnessed how she managed to bring the best out more from Yoongi. He witnesses in front of him how she makes Yoongi so much happier than he is. He saw how she held Yoongi when he was shattering when Seokjin couldn’t. He saw the happiness in Yoongi’s eyes when he talked about her every time. 

He also witnessed in every small fight they had, Yoongi would come to his room – crying for her name, while Seokjin was gasping for Yoongi's name. 

He saw their love forms, how it deepens, and now he is witnessing their marriage – in front of their families and friends, in front of God, he doesn’t believe. 

And Seokjin thinks that they deserve each other. 

‘’...I would like to say thank you for choosing me to be your husband. Thank you for loving me, for showing me how to love myself because it teaches me to love you too,’’ the guests inside the hall were crying when Yoongi made his vow to his bride. They are holding each other’s hand and his bride is sobbing too. 

And Seokjin is breaking. 

Namjoon on his left holding his left hand and Jeongguk on his right. Taehyung, Jimin, and Hobi are crying beside them. He didn’t know what the reason was because all he wanted was to just go home. 

Forget about this day. Go to work. Be a single fur dad and treat every patient in the world. Be alone forever. 

He is breaking.

He is in pain.

He wants to cry out. So much. He wants to shout whys and what ifs. But he can’t do that. He promised Yoongi to be there every step of his life. And he is here fulfilling that even if he is shattering.

‘’I remember the day I saw you and I never knew I would fall in love that fast but I can't. I'm too shy to approach you. You are so good on your own that it made me afraid that I will never be good enough for you,’’ Yoongi continued and his bride just shook her head and kissed his hand.

Seokjin closed his eyes. Another tear fell. Namjoon and Jeongguk hold him tighter. 

‘’I remember how I was so nervous proposing to you that I even cried to Seokjin-hyung,’’ he opened his eyes when he heard his name and he saw both of them looking in their direction. He nods and smiles.

He doesn't even care now what he looks like. There’s a lump on his throat, there’s a bullet passing his heart, he wants to throw up, he wants to cry, he wants to go out. But he can’t. He will stay for Yoongi.

‘’...there he is! My roommate for 10 years! My best friend!’’ he laughs and it breaks Seokjin more. ‘’He helps me calm down and he makes me realize I should not be anxious about proposing to you and remembers why I should do it in the first place,’’ he sniffs and his bride laughs. 

‘’We owe this to Seokjin-oppa, I think.’’ he heard the bride saying. The guests laugh and Seokjin ducks his head knowing the attention is on him but also to hide how his eyes are never-ending the tears coming out. 

He can’t breathe.

○○○ 

‘’Yoongi! I am getting dizzy because of you! Can you calm down?!’’ Seokjin dropped the surgical kit he was practicing and slammed his hand to his table and Yoongi was startled and flopped down to the chair in front of him. He sighs deeply and Seokjin tries so hard not to reach for his hair and fix it.

‘’What? Is there a problem?’’ Yoongi sighed again and he was about to reach his nail to bite when Seokjin immediately held his wrist and shook his head. ‘’Are you 5? Stop biting your nails!’’ he let go when Yoongi was boneless on his hold. 

‘’Did you fight?’’ there’s a tug on Seokjin’s chest. Yoongi is only like this when it’s either there is a melody stuck in his pretty head, or there are lyrics he forgot to write, or and then when he has a fight with his girlfriend. 

And Seokjin tries so hard to show he is not affected. Yoongi and his girlfriend are in a 3-year-long relationship and he is trying his best to be as supportive as possible; as Yoongi’s friend and roommate for a very long time. 

‘’No, we didn’t fight,’’ he sighs. ‘’But it's about her,’’ Seokjin follows him through his eyes when Yoongi stands up and walks back and forth again inside their apartment.

‘’Okay, Yoongi. Spill it, you know I will support you,’’ (even if it hurts, sometimes, lol, always) he stops his brain from thinking again. ‘’And Yoongi, I don’t have the whole night, I have exa–’’

‘’I’m proposing to her this week,’’ Yoongi blurts out while looking intently at Seokjin. Seokjin opens and closes his mouth, trying to say something but his brain stops, his heart beating so much he can hear it in his ears, and his breathing falters. 

He can’t breathe. 

‘’W-what?’’ he is not asking Yoongi to say it again. What he wants to ask is ‘Are you serious?’ ‘did I hear it, right?’ or ‘Are you seriously trying to kill me?’ 

‘’I’m proposing to my girlfriend this week, Seokjin,’’ he repeats and still looks at Seokjin’s frozen frame in the middle of their living room. 

Everything stops for Seokjin. His eyes sting for not blinking for a good 5 minutes and Yoongi is now sitting in front of him again. Emotionless he can see on his face.

‘’But I’m nervous, hyung,’’ he heard him say. There’s so much vulnerability on it that tugs a string on Seokjin’s heart. ‘’What if she will reject me?’’ (she’s a fool, then) Seokjin’s brain again argues but he snaps. 

He finally snaps, blinks his eyes, and looks at Yoongi. Controlling his facial emotions and his voice.

‘’Do you love her?’’ Seokjin’s voice is small. As if asking Yoongi to lie; to say no, and admit he is just joking. But no. He is not, because the moment Seokjin asks that, but there’s a smile on Yoongi’s face that Seokjin never once witnessed ever in their 10 years of being friends and roommates.

‘’Yes,’’ Yoongi responded. A declaration, a confession of his love. And Seokjin lost. 

‘’Then, why are you so nervous?’’ he still bravely converses with Yoongi; trying his best to act as the best friend he is; giving motivation and advice, even if all he wants right now is to cry. To confess. To beg. To plead. And hope that there’s a chance for them. But he’s a coward. 

‘’I’m afraid I will stutter and just cry in front of her. Hyung, that can’t be a story for my future family!’’ he produced a small laugh and Seokjin lost it. He lost all his will to live just hearing how Yoongi wants this so much that he even really thought about building a family this early.

Seokjin risks it. ‘’Then practice on me,’’ his voice is now steady but his heart and brain are yelling at him how stupid he is for inflicting more pain that his organs can’t handle anymore. 

But Seokjin seems to embrace this pain of loving Yoongi.

‘’What?’’ Yoongi laughs and sits straight.

‘’Practice your speech on me so you won’t stutter for her,’’ he bravely said and he should be lying if his eyes do not want to produce tears now. ‘’I can even proofread it for you,’’ he laughs. Just an excuse to clear his throat and gulp.

‘’I won’t stutter in front of you, Seokjin,’’ there’s a smile in Yoongi’s tone but he nods. And Seokjin braces himself for more pain he will be having tonight.

‘’But okay,’’ Yoongi looked at him, smiling. He smiles differently and Seokjin’s fuzzy mind can’t describe it anymore because whatever look Yoongi gave him, he is still in love with him.

Fuck.

‘’Go, take your time,’’ he said in a hushed tone. Yoongi looks at him again. Silent. 

And Seokjin let him.

Yoongi clears his throat, drags his chair nearer to Seokjin, and hesitantly reaches Seokjin’s hand.

And Seokjin let him.

‘’Hi,’’ Yoongi starts and laughs. Seokjin nods, looking at their hands, before smiling at Yoongi, and nudging his legs to continue. ‘’It’s been years since we met. You were so beautiful when I first saw you. And I am too shy to ask your name,’’ Yoongi laughs again. 

‘’Through the times we are together, you made me so happy, you lit up every dark room I’m in. You see something in me that I can’t see in myself and I am so thankful for that,’’ Seokjin hitched his breath when Yoongi brought his lips to his hand and kissed his knuckles. 

‘’You’ve been patient with me. You are so soft-spoken. And you calm my raging storm of mind,’’ Yoongi looks directly into his eyes. And Seokjin accepts it as if these words are for him. (God, it hurts so much. Why am I doing this to myself?)

‘’Thank you for loving me. Those years I spent with you are my most liveliest days and I want more from it,’’ Yoongi’s tears rolled down to his cheeks and Seokjin wiped it for him. When he should be wiping his own at this point. 

But he let him. 

He let himself hear these words from Yoongi even if he knew Yoongi would never say this to him. Yoongi will never love him like this just as he loves his girlfriend.

‘’I want our ‘Thank you for today and see you again soon.’ to ‘I’m on my way home and what’s for dinner?’,’’ Seokjin choked a sob.

He finally breaks. He cried and cried and sobbed loudly hearing that line. Pleading, begging, wishing it is directly for him. 

Why can’t it be him?

Yoongi holds him tighter and wipes his tears. ‘’W-will you marry me?’’ Seokjin didn’t know why they were both crying. 

This is the first time he saw Yoongi cry and this is the first time Seokjin let himself be seen crying. Yoongi hears him crying. In the middle of the night in his study sessions but this is the first he let himself be this open and vulnerable to Yoongi.

And he let Yoongi. 

It takes a marriage proposal for him to break. But the worst is that, it is not for him. 

Yoongi is still holding his hands strongly and tightly but he stops crying and just sniffing while silently looking at Seokjin. Seokjin still has tears all coming and he is still heaving loudly. 

‘’I-I’m sorry,’’ Seokjin says and takes his hand back from Yoongi’s hold and wipes his tears. ‘’I’ve been stressed in school these days an–’’ he closed his eyes because that’s lame. They both know that’s lame. 

But Seokjin continued to lie and Yoongi let him.

‘’But that’s beautiful, Yoongi,’’ he clears his throat and pats Yoongi’s shoulder who is still intently looking at him and still silent. 

‘’She will love it. She will not reject you, for sure,’’ he fixes his hair, wipes the remaining strain from his face and looks at his materials on the table. Just as his eyes won’t fix on Yoongi and will cry again.

Yoongi spoke. ‘’Are you going to be okay?’’ Yoongi asks after minutes of silence between them. Seokjin looks behind Yoongi and not at his eyes.

‘’Yeah. I’m okay. I just need to stud–’’ he stops when Yoongi shakes his head and reaches for his face again to wipe his stupid, uncontrollable tears.

‘’Are you going to be okay?’’ Yoongi asks again. Softly, weary eyes, and soft features in front of Seokjin.   

‘’What?’’ he asks in a whisper and looks away from Yoongi’s hold and vision. 

Because sooner or later, Yoongi will finally be able to see what’s the reason why he is crying for real. He feels so naked in front of Yoongi that in given any moment he will risk and just fuck it all what their friendship is all about. 

Yoongi shakes his head and smiles at him instead. Knowing Seokjin is deflecting. ‘’If ever she accepts my marriage proposal, I will be leaving he–’’ 

‘’Wait, Yoongi,’’ he breathed and placed a hand between them to stop him from talking.

‘’You know I can do just well, Yoongi,’’ he smiled. (it hurts. Fuck.) ‘’Go on with your life, Yoongi. I will always be your friend wherever you are, whatever you are doing, and whoever you are with,’’ he ruffles Yoongi’s hair and smiles. 

‘’I’ll be okay.’’ and stood up to go to his room, leaving silent Yoongi in the middle of their living room.

Truth is, he is not okay.

○○○ 

He managed. 

He manages to hold himself from crying so hard, from going home and just hiding from everyone, but it does not mean he is not hurt at all. In every smile of Yoongi is a tugging in every vein in his heart. The way Yoongi holds his bride, Seokjin wishes it was him who was beside him. 

He wishes from the start that even with just a little courage, he tried, he should have just tried telling Yoongi. But he did not. 

His friends hold him from behind and his hands when the groom and the bride kiss. And that is when Seokjin flops down and heaves silently for a minute, excuses himself and goes outside to breathe. 

He can’t. He can’t see Yoongi kiss someone and wishes it was him. It was not right. He should be happy for him and not think of this but he can’t help it. 

His rational mind was already eaten up by pain, regrets, sorrow, and agony of loving Yoongi but he until now can’t find the courage to tell the truth. And he knows he will never have a chance to do it as they were pronounced husband and wife. 

Until reception happens. He by now knows how his eyes look so bloody red from crying and his nose is clogging so much he can’t breathe properly. And he is having a headache from all the emotions today. But he stayed. He will stay until Yoongi is the one who will turn his back on him.

‘’Seokjin?’’ his friends and he were in the middle of a conversation when he heard his name called. It was the bride. He stood up, smiled at her and hugged her tightly. 

‘’Hey. Congratulations again,’’ he whispers and looks at her. She smiled and it was so beautiful.

‘’Yoongi says he wants to dance with you after ours,’’ he could hear different reactions from their table and he just furrowed his eyebrows.

‘’I beg your pardon?’’ he smiled again but was unsure. But she just held his hand. So ever a kind and lovely bride. 

‘’There will be a community dance later and Yoongi says he wants to dance with you. He let me say it to you because as you can see,’’ she pointed her fingers in front and Yoongi was surrounded by elders and his friends from his company. ‘’Yeah,’’ she laughs when they both see how constipated Yoongi looks. 

Seokjin laughs too. It's painful. ‘’A-are you sure?’’ he clears his throat and tightens the hold on her hand. She holds back and caresses it. 

‘’Yeah. I’m okay with it, Seokjin,’’ she smiled and reached to hug him again. ‘’He wants to do it,’’ she whispers and Seokjin just nods his head and lets go slowly. 

‘’Thank you,’’ she whispers. Seokjin was bewildered. What is she thanking him for? 

‘’For what?’’ he asked and fixed her hair that drew her eyes. She laughs and holds his hand again.

‘’For everything you have done for Yoongi,’’ she nods. ‘’For being there when he has no one and still for being there when she finally has me,’’ she looked Seokjin in the eyes and there was a glint in it. A tear slowly formed. 

‘’Thank you for loving him, S-Seokjin-ah,’’ he panics when her tears fall and he looks behind him and her if someone can see them but only his friends have witnessed everything. Jimin gave him a napkin and Seokjin towered to hide her from everyone’s eye.

‘’Why are you crying, oh my god.’’ he whispers and he does not realize his voice breaks too. So they stayed like that crying in each other’s hold. 

And he realized. 

She knew.

She knew he truly loved Yoongi not just as a friend, not just as a roommate, not just as his dongsaeng. She knew Seokjin loved Yoongi before her. She knew Seokjin loved Yoongi more than she loved him. 

And she knew she couldn’t do anything about it because Seokjin was a coward who never tried, who never got brave and told Yoongi.

She is crying because of Seokjin’s love for Yoongi. 

And that fucking hurts more. 

It was not the first time Yoongi danced Seokjin. 

It was not the first time they were this close to each other. It was not the first time Seokjin had seen the brown orbs of Yoongi, his thin lips, his button nose, and his apple-pale cheeks this close. 

He can’t count how many times he lingers too much watching Yoongi when he is asleep on their shared couch. Or when Yoongi falls asleep beside Seokjin when he is studying and Yoongi is just too sad he doesn't want to be alone.

But Seokjin thinks this is the last time he will let himself be this close to Yoongi. 

Yoongi’s hold on his waist is strong but gentle and stable. Their chest flushed and his hands were shaking on Yoongi's shoulders. 

And Yoongi is just looking at him. He is silent the whole time. Just looking at Seokjin. 

The look he had when he practised his marriage proposal to his girlfriend to Seokjin.

And Seokjin can now name how it is this time. Even when there’s a dim of blue, red, green, and white lights, he can see how Yoongi’s eyes are so sad. So full of emotions Seokjin is so afraid to name. 

Yoongi looked at him as if he was just the only person important right now. 

Yoongi looked at him as if asking for the last time that Seokjin should be honest with his feelings. 

Yoongi looked at him begging Seokjin for the last time that he should confess his love for him. 

Yoongi looked at him as if he loved him too. Even if Yoongi can’t do anything about it, his eyes tell that Yoongi deserves honesty from Seokjin. 

But Seokjin never let him.

This is the first time Seokjin never let himself break from Yoongi’s request. Even when he wants to say, yes, he has been in love with Yoongi for 10 years, even in the last moments from earlier, he wants Yoongi to choose him –  he does not.

He can’t.

He can’t tell Yoongi he loves him because Seokjin will just surely commit a mistake and steal him away from his wife. And he can’t do that. He can’t be selfish like that. 

He loved Yoongi too much to be that selfish and even if loving Yoongi is painful – love should not be hurting people. He can't hurt Yoongi's bride and Yoongi himself. 

Because that hurts more. Hurting Yoongi. 

And Yoongi’s tears fall. His shoulder shakes and starts sobbing on Seokjin’s shoulder. 

And Seokjin lets him. For the last time.

They swayed to the soft music. Hugging each other and crying silently for the loudest love they have for each other. 

Seokjin closes his eyes and remembers the night the first time Yoongi danced with him. It was when he was finally accepted into medical school and they threw a party and got drunk. And when they were the only ones left in their apartment, Yoongi played the soft track he worked on for weeks and asked Seokjin for a dance. 

It was sweet and heart-clenching and they were so drunk. Seokjin is so drunk of Yoongi. 

Yoongi congratulated him and hugged him tightly, drunk saying, ‘’We should be roommates until we are married, Seokjin! Ha! I finally have a friend Doctor!’’ It was the happiest first dance Seokjin had ever had in his life.

But now, this is the most heartbreaking dance he will never want again to experience. 

He let Yoongi cry on his shoulder and he let himself be held while crying himself. They were both shaking from crying too much, their hearts only knowing the reason. 

He let Yoongi hug him tightly as if this was also the last time he could hold Seokjin like this. 

The thing is, Yoongi is not a crier. He can hold so many emotions too, like Seokjin. But he was vulnerable like this, in Seokjin's embrace. And Seokjin is hurt, knowing he does not know why Yoongi is crying so much. 

But he can't ask. He's afraid of Yoongi's answer. And he's afraid of what will be his response.

And so, they bask in each other's warmth. Never caring about the looks of pity and weariness from their friends, knowing their tears are full of love, gratefulness in each other's life, regrets, and what ifs.

And for the last time, they let themselves. 

Hobi is holding his hand when they are walking and following the bride and the groom to the car which will bring them to their hotel. 

It's now done. The wedding was done and Seokjin was exhausted physically and emotionally. 

Hobi tightens his grip on Seokjin. "We'll be right here, hyung." he smiled and let go before Seokjin breathed so hard and walked forward to Yoongi and his bride. 

They are now thanking their parents and in-laws for the ceremony. The newlyweds both have red eyes from crying and they are holding each other's hand for support. 

And Seokjin waits. He waits until it is his turn to say goodbye to them. His final goodbye. 

In his mind, he wishes them blessings and good luck in life and marriage. He knew they would both take good care of each other. They both have a good heart, and a kind personality, and Seokjin is sure they will last forever. 

He knows his eyes are starting to form another batch of tears but he holds it this time. He won't cry anymore for the last time seeing Yoongi. He will try.

Not hearing Yoongi's voice since the ceremony feels like a final declaration to Seokjin's heart that he should be used to this. Not seeing and hearing Yoongi. Because he knew it would never be the same after this day. 

And Yoongi and his bride face him. Their parents came back inside and their friends were just footsteps away from them. Seokjin is thankful because he might let himself fall and collapse the moment Yoongi turns his back on him. 

"Hi," Yoongi's voice was calm now. Seokjin faces him and his eyes dart to his bride. She smiled and nodded. Still holding Yoongi. 

"Congratulations," he responded. Because he can't form any other things aside from that. His brain fogs, his heart hurts, and his breath is limited from all the crying he's done. 

"Thank you, hyung," Yoongi responded. Seokjin focuses his vision on Yoongi. He knows his eyes are starting to blur because of the incoming tears. But he tried, he tried to picture Yoongi looking like this. 

His kind eyes, his calm demeanor, his clean cut, his pale face, and his smile. He tries to intact this information in his long-term memory because he knows he will never have another opportunity after this day ends. 

"I've got you always, Yoongi," he smiled and he let his tears betray him when he closed his eyes to smile. Truthfully this time. 

If he can't be honest with Yoongi about his feelings, and his love, then, he can be honest about his happiness for Yoongi's happiness. 

‘’Thank you so much, Seokjin-hyung," Yoongi repeated and his shaking hands reached for Seokjin's face. Seokjin slightly takes a step back and looks at Yoongi's bride. But she is still smiling and has tears on her face too. 

"...for everything,’’ Yoongi continued in a whisper. A secret. A confession. A declaration of how he's thankful for Seokjin's life, of his love, of his time, and how Yoongi knew too, just like Seokjin knew, things would be different for them. 

Seokjin nods and in a shaky breath, he speaks. ‘’W-why does it feel like I can't see you anymore?’’ he looked directly into Yoongi's eyes in his blurry vision. He can sense his friends are getting nearer. Alert. As if Seokjin will finally break. 

‘’Because w-we should not,’’ Yoongi sadly smiled and a lone tear fell on his cheek. His bride tightens his hold on his arm and Seokjin ducks his head. Graze at their linked arms and smile solemnly. 

‘’Did you know?’’ my love for you?  he wants to add but decides to let it be. He bravely asked and brought his eyes again to Yoongi and his bride, and back to Yoongi. 

Yoongi nods. Reach for his cheeks and gently wipe them. 

‘’Yes. I know. I knew, Seokjin,’’ he whispers and Seokjin chokes a sob and breaks. He sobbed silently and Yoongi hugged him immediately. 

Seokjin cries like a river. Free-flowing and never-ending and he's lost. It is so vast that he does not know what to feel anymore. Yoongi knew. He knew. 

"Y-you knew," he cried more on Yoongi's shoulder. Hiding from everyone including Yoongi. And Yoongi cried on his neck too. Nodding and saying 'I'm sorry', 'I'm sorry', 'I'm sorry'.  

Seokjin just shakes his head because Yoongi should not be sorry if he can't love Seokjin the way Seokjin loved him. He should not be sorry for choosing a person who is so sure of him. He should not be sorry for loving. 

Seokjin just let himself be in this favor and made the most of his time crying and shaking his head to let Yoongi know it was not his fault he loved him like this. 

Memories of them together flashed rapidly in Seokjin's mind. He can't picture a day without Yoongi ever since meeting him 10 years ago. Birthdays, exams, house-hunting, laughing in happiness and even crying in despair. He remembers their first move out, Seokjin's first patients, Yoongi's next albums, their friends throwing a house welcome—the first mug, the first washing machine, their silent breakfast and dinner. Even Seokjin's cries whenever they lose a patient and Yoongi stays by his side. 

He lets himself remember all of it and cries in the embrace of the one he loves and he thinks he will never ever be unloved. The person who teaches him love, when love is not for him. 

When he calms down, what feels like forever, Seokjin separates himself slowly from Yoongi, still ducking his head because he can't face them both, he can't face his friend for being so exposed like this. 

But Yoongi cradles his face. 

It is so warm and Yoongi is always cold. But this was the warmest hold Seokjin had ever had from Yoongi and he cried more. 

Because finally, Yoongi finds someone who can make his cold hands warm. 

"S-seokjin, look at me," Yoongi pleaded and Seokjin shook his head. 

He won't let Yoongi. 

Yoongi shakingly sighs and Seokjin closes his eyes when Yoongi kisses both of his cheeks tenderly before his shaking lips kiss his forehead. Lingering them for so long Seokjin forgets the time, how to breathe, and to be aware of the tear from Yoongi that drops to his cheeks.

And that's it. 

He said he wanted Yoongi to turn his back on him first and he would let Yoongi go from his heart but he did it instead. 

He ran away from him. 

Not caring for his friends calling his name. He ran away as much as he could. With blurry eyes and an aching chest. 

He ran away from everyone.

Because he realized he was not ready to let go of Yoongi after all of this. 

●●●

The first time Seokjin cried because of Yoongi was the night he said he got a girlfriend from his work. Yoongi is all smiles that night. He has his gums of happiness that Seokjin got envious of because he can't make Yoongi smile like that. 

And so he ran away. 

He ran away saying he needed to study and that he had an exam the next day and needed to focus and he couldn't do that inside their apartment. 

Yoongi's smile was gone the moment he said those. Yoongi frowns, turns his back on him, and slams his door for Seokjin. 

And Seokjin cried. 

Because he can't even make Yoongi smile like that but he can make him mad and Seokjin hates himself. Because he should be happy for his best friend. He should be supportive of all of his decisions and choices but his love for Yoongi is stopping him from being a good friend. 

And that's the night he declares his love for Yoongi to his friends. Which is not oblivious to them. 

They knew first that Seokjin loved Yoongi before Seokjin realized it himself. 

‘’What makes Yoongi-hyung different from other guys, Seokjin-hyung?’’ Jeongguk asked that night after numerous beers they chugged instead of helping Seokjin study. But he still helped, he helped Seokjin mend his broken heart.

Seokjin hum. Slightly drunk. Out of his head. ‘’Do you know that shitty line that goes, ‘’If I had a flower every time I thought of him, I could walk through my garden forever?’’ he asked. He chugged again his bottle of beer and sighed.

Thanking the balcony of Jeongguk and Namjoon's apartment because he can freely see constellations while being emotional about the love he can't have. 

Jeongguk scoffs. ‘’Yeah. But it’s not shitty, it’s poetic,’’ pout and leans more on Seokjin. Seokjin let his youngest friend comfort him because it is what he needs right now.

Just a listener. 

‘’It is shitty for me because if I had a flower every time I think of Yoongi, I would only have one flower,’’ Jeongguk crane his neck, eyebrows raised, and eyes in confusion. 

Seokjin gave out a small smile. 

‘’Why?’’ Seokjin ruffles Jeongguk's hair and nods to the potted plants Namjoon had in their balcony railings. 

In a whisper. A secret and a confession, he said. ‘’Because Yoongi never left my mind.’’ he smiled sadly. 

Because he can't make a garden out of Yoongi because a garden needs good sunlight, fertilizer, watering, love, and nurturing nature. He can't make it because the moment Yoongi finds her, all of Seokjin's light – Yoongi takes it with him. All his love, Yoongi brought with him.

And you know what happens to feelings that are buried? They grow. 

How can he make a garden out of Yoongi when Yoongi himself makes his own? 

And that's how his one lone flower died. Lonely and alone.

●●●