Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He didn't know how to react lately around Goku. The whiny, always hungry and cheerful boy who'd been his constant companion for years… had changed seemingly in mere weeks. Though, Sanzo knew that wasn't the case… he knew that Goku had been changing slowly over the years they've been traveling on this never-ending journey to stop some mad-idiots from resurrecting a youkai homicidal nutcase.

That wasn't to say, that Goku couldn't still be an annoying and bothersome brat, because he could be but… not as he'd once been. And this upset Sanzo's comfortable routine.

He'd raised, though he didn't like to call it that and preferred to say he'd been stuck with, the saru up to this point… but now, Goku didn't need him in the capacity as his guardian or his keeper anymore. Both knowing, and accepting, this had been difficult, but what had finally begun to make him undertake this new perception was the way Goku had acted around him since he'd finally reunited with the rest of them.

It wasn't that the boy had become distant… or that he was harboring anger at Sanzo for leaving in such a highly emotional time. It was the knowing, understanding looks he directed at Sanzo while he'd been healing from Ukoku's assault on him.

At first those looks had pissed Sanzo off, causing him to whack the teenager harshly over the head with his ever-present harisan and avoid being alone with him, but eventually Sanzo had been forced to admit to himself that Goku knew, understood and accepted the reasons why he'd left them for weeks.

So, with this realization, Sanzo had finally admitted to himself that Goku was an adult… mostly anyways as he still acted like a rambunctious, loud-mouthed brat a good deal of the time, though Sanzo accepted that Goku would always be a bit wild… and childish.

Anyways, these new-found characteristics of Goku's were causing unexpected havoc in Sanzo's psyche for a number of reasons. First, it was a challenge to change his own behavior and treat Goku as a young adult… instead of the immature child he was used to. Second, it was acknowledging him as an almost equal as a nearly full-grown… young man to the teasing of Gojyo and the subtle mocking of Hakkai. Goku, himself, didn't help, because he constantly got a shocked look on his face when Sanzo acted accordingly for his new status as a mostly adult. And thirdly, there was the changes he, himself, were currently going through. Changes he couldn't deal with, let alone accept.

Without any signs or warning, Sanzo had, out of nowhere, noticed a change in his views on Goku. And, he didn't just mean the saru's mental and emotional maturity and changes, he'd also, for some for some damn reason Sanzo couldn't figure out, started to notice Goku's physical traits. It was deeply unsettling, as Sanzo wasn't used to… paying much attention to someone's form.

Why the fuck Sanzo was noticing Goku's broad shoulders, his lean, athletic muscles and his more clear-cut features, Sanzo didn't know but he desperately wanted it to stop. Who cared if Goku's deep, gold eyes seem to shine, they'd always done that. Or if his wide, happy smile brightened up everyone's day or if his spiky, brown hair looked extremely touchable. Or even when his dark, bronze skin glistened whenever he worked up a good sweat.

Sanzo, realizing where his thoughts were leading him, immediately and harshly put a stop to them. He almost wanted to whack himself upside the head for thinking such thoughts about Goku… again.

'This is getting fricking ridiculous!' Sanzo thought to himself in exasperated irritation.

The longer his… preoccupation with Goku went on, the more Sanzo noticed that he lost himself in thoughts about Goku, of all people! He didn't even know how to begin to stop them from harassing him! He'd tried, but no matter what he did or how much he tried to distract himself with something else, anything else!, it all ended in failure. These thoughts were as relentless as Goku could be.

“Sanzo!” Hakkai called anxiously, as he'd been calling the monk through the locked door for the last two minutes.

Finally noticing Hakkai's abnormally upset tone of voice, Sanzo started slightly on the bed he was sitting on before he quickly regained control over himself once more. Looking over at the clock on the dresser, Sanzo was taken aback to see that he'd been ruminating over his Goku issues for over an hour.

“Sanzo, please allow me to enter your room.” Hakkai requested through the door in that tightly controlled mock polite tone of voice, that spelled trouble for Sanzo.

Reluctant as he was to allow Hakkai in, Sanzo knew that the healer wouldn't give him a choice. Hakkai would enter the room one way or another. The bastard was an over-bearing mother-hen when he was concerned about his companions.

So, instead of having to deal with a terrified Inn-keeper opening is door, Sanzo decided to get up and unlock the door himself before retaking his seat on the bed without saying anything.

“What?!” He snapped out at Hakkai, keeping his impatient, irritating gaze onto Hakkai… who was currently standing in front of him with a look of concern barely discernible on his face.

“Sanzo, I have been trying to gain your attention for the last few minutes. You haven't heard me… once again. This is the third time I've caught you so lost within your thoughts. I am of the opinion that it is time reveal why it is that you have been… so distracted recently.” Hakkai said, in that courteous, threatening way he had as the converted youkai closed the door and walked over to sit in the chair across from where Sanzo was sitting.

A recalcitrant scowl lit up Sanzo's face as he bit out prickly.

“It's none of your business! Whatever is going on with me, I'll handle it… without your fucking unneeded interference.”

Hakkai didn't bother to dispute this assertion… just yet, instead he gazed calmly at Sanzo searchingly before he said, almost kindly, which made what he did say all the more vicious and piercing.

“Very well, if that is your decision… however, I feel I should point out, that whatever you are contemplating with such intense focus appears to be hindering your awareness of your surroundings which is quite dangerous given the precarious situation we are in. Yes, while you have not yet become so inattentive in battle, we both know that it is only a matter of time in which your lack of concentration could inevitably prove fatal… to yourself or to us. You need to resolve whatever has you so out of sorts.”

Sanzo felt rage filling him as he found himself badly wanting to shoot Hakkai immediately for saying this. He was well aware that lately he'd been noticeably absentminded… but he had no wish to share his inner thoughts and feelings, as to do so would leave him vulnerable and that would be humiliating.

He especially didn't want to reveal anything to either of his… teammates as they would either tease him or use it against him. And Goku was out of the question as they pertained to him in the first place.

Still, Sanzo knew that Hakkai was right… that's half the reason why he wanted to shoot the nuisance. The other reason was, though, was because he knew that devious bastard was manipulating him by using his guilt over the possibility of causing someone, Goku!, an inner voice whispered worriedly, to get seriously hurt due to his preoccupation.

Nevertheless, Sanzo knew that he couldn't go on this way and that he urgently needed to find some way of resolving his taxing predicament.

Glaring obstinately at Hakkai, Sanzo irately retorted.

“You're a manipulative asshole, Cho Hakkai! Don't try playing your shitty mind games with me! I can see through your sanctimonious, self-righteous crap!”

At Sanzo's sharp words, Hakkai's ever-present smile faded briefly from his face into neutrality as he grimly said.

“Indeed, you are very perceptive, though you often conceal it for your own convenience, and are quite adept at seeing through many facades. Including my well-constructed one. Nonetheless, that does not mean that I am in the wrong with what I have told you. If it will help convince you, than I will give you my solemn word that whatever we speak of inside this room will not be discussed again… unless you, yourself, bring it up.

Still glowering obstinately, but slightly relived at Hakkai promise, Sanzo just closed his eyes in resignation as he started talking… because he knew that he had to get his issues resolved one way or another before he put the mission, and the others, in jeopardy.

“Fine, as I don't have another fucking choice! All the same, you ever use what I am about to tell you against me in any way, I will shoot your ass.” Sanzo hissed out, before he hesitantly began explaining while a small, barely noticeable blush stained his cheeks pink.

“I have… been having.. some bizarre… fucking strange thoughts about… about G-goku. Dammit, dammit, dammit! Shit… they started happening… around the time I reunited with you blockheads.” Sanzo stopped as he visibly struggled with his mounting mortification.

When it looked like Sanzo was just going to keep sitting there, red and speechless, Hakkai gently prompted the overwhelmed priest.

“What exactly are these thoughts about Goku that has you so enthralled, Sanzo?”

Feeling disturbingly, and uncharacteristically, vulnerable Sanzo found himself looking down, avoiding Hakkai's eyes, as he went bright red.

“Thoughts I've never considered before… for anyone. About… Goku's recently developed maturity… his genuine confidence and his… his e-eyes,… as well a-as,” Sanzo closed his eyes in shame as he went on in a whisper, “his p-physical form. Shit! I don't why this happened! I've tried everything I can think of to banish these fucking disgraceful, unwanted thoughts! But no matter what I do, they won't leave me the fuck alone!” Sanzo was visibly unsettled and frantic by what he was feeling.

Sanzo just seemed to shut down as he waited with baited breath for whatever his… friend was going to say, while unable to look at him because of how weak he'd shown himself to be.

“Sanzo, it seems you are… attracted to Goku.” Hakkai started calmly in a frank manner, but when he saw Sanzo jerk in transparent denial, he raised his hand in a silent plea for continued silence and patience as he purposely went on.

“This is nothing to be ashamed about, and though I will admit to some astonishment as I have always believed you to be primarily asexual, this draw you have towards Goku is completely natural for two so close as you both. Do you believe your attraction is reciprocated?” Hakkai asked out of the blue.

Raising incredulous violet eyes to stare at Hakkai for his non sequitur, Sanzo snapped out defensively.

“No, I don't know. Even if I did, why the fuck does it matter?!”

“Because,” Hakkai explained slowly, as though to a small child, “if your feeling are reciprocated, that you will be able to form a romantic relationship with Goku. Which will resolve your… pining.” He said this last bit somewhat hesitantly as he knew that Sanzo would react explosively towards this.

“What?! I am not pining over that dumbass, idiotic saru! And I don't want to start a… a romantic relationship either. I just want these infuriating feeling to fucking fade!” Sanzo declared, furiously.

Hakkai kept his skepticism of this to himself, as he knew that if Sanzo had really wished these feelings to fade than he would have banished them into a box deep in his mind like he'd done with so many things before, but calmly rejoined.

“While it is entirely possible that your feelings for Goku may cease eventually…, it is very unlikely.”

Looking increasing pissed off, as well as a little panicked at this news, Sanzo asked somewhat bemusedly.

“Why? Why is my… defective emotions unlikely to go the fuck away?”

Hakkai just gazed at Sanzo with an almost sympathetic look at his obtuseness as he placidly asked.

“If you answer me this question I wish to ask of you honestly, than I will reveal why. Tell me, Sanzo, how do you feel when Goku strays from your side for too long? Truthfully, please.”

Sanzo didn't want to answer such an invasive question…, but he also wanted to know the answer to his own question so he grudgingly answered.

“I feel alone… almost lost or empty. While I usually prefer being separate from your irritating presences for as long as possible… Goku is different. There are times I want him near me after some time apart.”

Hakkai had a look as if this was exactly what he'd expected to hear, if not in such depth.

“Oh, Sanzo. You really are quite emotionally foolish. As far as I can ascertain, you are already in love with Goku… and have been so for quite some time. This sudden chaos you are feeling is just your feelings finally revealing themselves to you. It means you are capable of handling them now.” Hakkai softly explained to the emotionally stunted sanzo priest.

Sanzo looked blankly at Hakkai after the healer was done talking, almost as if Hakkai was talking in a language he couldn't understand. Than realization abruptly bloomed on his unusually expressive face, denial following swiftly behind it.

“That's… that is not possible! I am not… I haven't been… there's just no fucking way! How?! When? He's been a shitty little, immature brat until just recently! There's no damn way I'd ever fall in love with that childish, reckless, cocky, tactless, loud-mouthed, idiotic, soft-headed and bottomless pit of a saru! There's not a fucking chance! It's just… No!” Sanzo vociferously protested.

This didn't stop the shock that was creeping over him, nor the certainty that was filling his very being. Sanzo wanted to run. He wanted to keep refuting Hakkai's declaration, along with what his own… heart was telling him but Sanzo could seem to move, let alone speak. It was if he was suddenly frozen solid.

Chapter Text

Chapter Two

A long, strained silence had enveloped Sanzo's room as he just sat there, like a statue, not moving and barely breathing. He hadn't moved in over ten minutes. Neither had Hakkai. He didn't know how to bring Sanzo out of his shocked state.

While he could say something encouraging, Sanzo wasn't the type to listen to such things. While he could try to soothe Sanzo, the monk wasn't one to allow himself to be placated when he was so obviously dumbfounded by what he'd just learned.

So, Hakkai did nothing and hoped that Sanzo would work his way out of his stunned state on his own… preferably without blowing up and doing something that would harm him… or Goku.

An unexpected knock resounded in the hushed room as the two speechless men started in surprise.

“Sanzo? I'm hungry! Can we go down an' eat now?” Goku's, of all people, voice drifted through the wooden door.

Sanzo felt an overwhelming wave of trepidation wash over him, releasing him from the unresponsiveness he'd just been feeling.

Sanzo shot a half-panicked and half-warning glance at Hakkai as he got up at a snail's pace, silently telling the turned transformed youkai not to say a word of their conversation. Hakkai just nodded his head to Sanzo in order to show the flustered golden-haired monk that he would keep his silence just as he'd promised.

Sanzo relaxed very slightly at this, but when he got in front of the door, he felt a curious nervousness flood him as he hesitated with his hand outstretched for the doorknob. 'What if I react stupidly to Goku's presence?' Sanzo couldn't help but think as he gazed at the wooden door, almost as if he were trying to look through it.

“Sanzo? C'mon, let me in, huh?” Goku's voice once again sounded in the hallway, this time impatient.

Sanzo felt unaccountably like he was being submerged in quicksand as he unlocked the door with a shaking hand. Stepping back as quickly as possible since Goku was known to slam the door open, Sanzo could feel his heart pounding a loud, fast tattoo in his chest as Goku indeed slammed open the door.

Sanzo almost started trembling when Goku walked into his room to stand in front of him as the saru started to chatter away but he controlled the unnerving urge with his forceful will. This close to Goku made Sanzo think about everything he'd just learned about himself and his feelings for the… adult.

He could smell the earthy, fresh air scent that always reminded Sanzo that Goku was a child of the earth itself and looking into those gleaming, excited golden eyes filled Sanzo with an inexplicable urge to reach down and touch the saru's cheek.

He just… Sanzo couldn't believe he'd just thought that! 'Shit! What the hell is wrong with me, wanting to touch Goku so… tenderly?!' Turning abruptly away from the still yammering saru, Sanzo sat on his bed and started to put on his boots as he tried to control the tumultuous feelings that were engulfing him.

Sanzo almost leapt out of his bed when he felt Goku's warm, compact body sit next to him. Fingers trembled in a discernible manner as Sanzo tied his boots, trying to ignore the saru beside him.

“Hey, Sanzo. Are ya okay? Cuz ya are actin' a little strange. Kinda quiet too.” Goku wanted to know, his voice curious but not overly concerned, thankfully indicating that he wasn't suspicious of Sanzo's unusual behavior.

Jerking his head up to look into liquid golden eyes, Sanzo almost faltered in his urge to glare menacingly at Goku, but managed to control the sudden urge to gape at him like a love-sick moron.

“I'm not acting strange! And I prefer silence, so of course I don't want to say anything… especially to an idiotic saru whose just yammering on about food.” He snapped out, defensively.

Goku pouted a little at this, but didn't look overly bothered by Sanzo's rude behavior, so Sanzo just glowered and strides out of the room without a backward glance.

He heard Goku tromping along behind him and Hakkai's barely heard footsteps as he made his way downstairs. When he reached the dining room, Sanzo headed for the table where Gojyo was indolently slouching in a chair.

Sitting down without saying one of his usual caustic words, Sanzo opened the newspaper he'd brought and just started reading, hoping to block out the odd looks he'd receive because of his abnormal behavior. He knew that he should react like usual… but he couldn't. He was still off-balance by what he'd just learned about himself and his… feelings… about the saru.

“Uh, what's up with his mighty Holiness?” Gojyo impudently asked.

Sanzo almost snapped out that it wasn't the kappa's business, but he heard the chairs on either side of him move and decided that it was best to remain quiet for now… as much as he wanted to give dumb water-sprite a bullet hole through all of his extremities.

“Sanzo is not feeling quite well tonight. I believe he needs some quiet, so please, Goku, Gojyo, try to respect his wishes for a silent night.” Hakkai told them.

Sanzo would almost thank him but he couldn't help but feel it was that meddling bastard's fault that he was aware of his predicament. Sanzo also decided to ignore that sooner or later, he would've figured out his own feelings some day because even if that was going to happen, Sanzo wouldn't have minded putting off this shit for awhile.

Sanzo almost visibly spasmed when he heard Goku ask;

“Is it my fault that Sanzo's actin' weird?”

“Why would it be your fault, chibi-saru? Did you do somethin' to him?” Gojyo wanted to know, sounding both sympathetic and irreverent.

“No… but he was actin' odd when I came an' got him for dinner, right, Hakkai?” Goku answered.

“Hmm… well,” Hakkai started only to be interrupted by Gojyo asking.

“What, you were with that prissy monk? What were ya doin'?”

“If you would be so kind as to not interrupt me, Gojyo,” Hakkai said, politely… warningly, “He had something he needed to discuss with me, unfortunately it was private and I gave my word that I would not repeat the things he told me.”

“Wha-? How's that fair?! Hey, Sanzo-sama! Don't be stingy, ya always are intrudin' on our private conversations.” Gojyo insisted annoyingly.

Slamming down his paper, Sanzo shot the insolent kappa a dirty look and retorted sharply.

“I don't intrude on your dim-witted conversations, I have no interest in anything any of you morons have to say, the problem is you are too fucking loud! What's more, my private business is fucking private… so leave it the hell alone or I'll quiet you myself.”

There was a deadly quality to his words that were usually directed at their more serious enemies that unsettled everyone at the table.

Hakkai knew that Sanzo was lashing out because he was shaken up with his feelings, but he still wished that Sanzo would calm down. It wouldn't be a good idea to stir up trouble within their already chaotic group.

Gojyo was pissed off and a little disturbed. Something was going on… and he would find out what.

As for Goku… well, he was worried. He'd very rarely seen Sanzo so… strained. He decided that he would find a way to ask Sanzo what was wrong when his temper had calmed a little.

So, with a silent agreement between them all to be as quiet as they were capable of, all four ordered their food and ate.