Chapter Text
I woke up feeling really dizzy after that party. Chuuya was there, but I don’t understand why he’s not at home right now. What did I do? Shit, I hope I didn’t ruin everything. It’s not like him to not be here without telling me a thing.
Dazai: Chuuya, you’re here? Please Chuuya, where are you?
I shouldn’t have gotten drunk; I always do stupid stuff. I can’t lose him again. I called a few of the people that were at the party. They told me that I fucked it up. I literally kissed a stranger. They told me that I was drunk and talking about suicide with a girl and then I suddenly kissed her passionately. Chuuya saw all of this. He was so angry, and he felt so betrayed that he just disappeared. I can’t contact him. He doesn't pick up when I call him. I don’t want him to let me go. He’s the only person I have left. I love him, I really do. I care about him, it’s rare that I feel this way, but I do, all for him. My heart is pouring on the inside. I hate myself so much. How can he even love me? How could I do such a thing. The feeling that I might lose him forever is haunting me. My stomach is going upside down when I think about it. I wish I wasn’t such a bastard. I must find him and tell him that it was an accident. He’s all my life.
After almost 2 weeks, I finally have a sign of him. Honestly, I was so worried. I was rotting in my room, depressing and my heart was aching. I hate this feeling. He is literally the only one I care about. If I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t worry myself so much about this accident, it’s just so painful. Anyway, he texted me, he said: “Meet me at the Yokohama Park at 22h30.” I obviously said that I’ll be there. I hope he will forgive me. I think he would want to fight me, though. I will win but just- I don’t want to fight him. I want to hug him, to kiss him and tell him that I love Chuuya Nakahara with all my heart. Love is such a strange feeling but whenever I’m around him I just can’t help myself. I need to tease him and tell him how I love him. When I was in the dark, he was the only one that could make me feel alive, important and human. I’ll never forgive myself if he doesn't come back. I think it’d be the end; I got no shame about it.
Few hours later, at the Yokohama Park, 22h30
Shit, I’m stressed out, what if he’s with someone else just to make me jealous and overthink, he knows it triggers me. Oh, I see him, he’s coming.
Dazai: Chuuya is that you?
Chuuya: Can you just shut the fuck up, Dazai? You don’t have a word to say. I came here to give you a lesson!
Dazai: But let me expl-
Chuuya punched me hard in the face. I knew it was going to end up like this, but it still makes me feel sad. My face just doesn’t have any expression, but I would cry if I could. My eyes and my soul feel empty and lifeless.
Chuuya: Do you see what’s happening when you play with someone’s heart? I loved you so much. I trusted you, but I know I shouldn’t have to. How can I not see that you were just playing? I guess I was just another puppet of yours, Dazai. All you do is manipulate people and make them feel worthless. I can’t believe you’re doing something like that again. After you left the port mafia, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. You made me feel sick!
No, Chuuya you got it all wrong. Why does he get mad over little thing. God, I love him but hate him so much too. If only I could say what I want. I can’t express my feelings and thoughts.
Dazai: Chuuya, listen to me, please.
Chuuya: Oh, so you’re begging for me to listen to you. You’re stupid, Dazai. You’re just playing and now I just saw your little game, just stop it already.
Dazai: Okay, Chuuya you’re right. I messed up, but I didn’t use you as a puppet. You are literally the person I love the most.
Chuuya: THEN WHY DID YOU BETRAYED ME? IF I WAS SO IMPORTANT TO YOU, YOU WOULDN’T-
I approached him while he was screaming, looking at the grass. I just wanted to prove him that he’s not a puppet to me…
Dazai: CHUUYA, STOP OKAY!? Calm down please, let me explain it.
Chuuya: I can’t trust you, every word who’s coming from your mouth is a lie. You’re just finding excuses to your errors; how can you explain cheating!?
Dazai: Okay Chuuya, you can think that, but let me explain, at least… I know I can’t really explain myself but hear me out.
Chuuya: I’ll listen, but you better not lie, or I’ll kill you.
Dazai: Thank you so much for finally listening. I know I’ve done something horrible. I regret it so much and I just can’t let you go. I wasn’t conscious of my doings. I love you with all my heart since we are 15 years old. That night, I was drunk as fuck. I didn’t know that I fucked everything up. I would have never done such a thing to you. These past two weeks seemed like hell without you. You are literally the last person I would like to lose. I love you so much, Chuuya. I can understand if you don’t forgive me, but I’ll still ask you. Can you forgive me Chuuya and let me go back into your heart again?
He waited a few minutes before answering. These minutes seemed like the worst of my life. I was literally sweating.
Chuuya: Dazai, I don’t know what to think about that. I want to trust you, but it’s so hard. Let me a few days to think about it, bye.
He left me all alone in the night, it was dark out there. I think it was the worst day ever. I can’t lose him; I can't afford to. I just simply can’t, or I’ll just die there. I can’t really understand the feeling of love. I don’t really care about people, but ever since I know him, he has been the only one I truly cared about. I would do everything for him. I’m at his mercy, I guess…
Returning to the empty apartment, feeling worthless and lifeless, I just stare at the ground wondering why I ended up there.