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Kevin thought for sure it would be Nick who would come crying to him once Brian married Leighanne. He had been watching the younger man and the way he acted around his cousin for quite a while now. Nick looked up to Brian in a way that to most people seemed like just a big brother and a best friend, but Kevin knew better. Or thought he did.
When Brian announced his engagement, it was clear Nick did not see it coming. In fact he looked like he’d just been punched in the stomach. Nick barely muttered a “congrats, Bri” before turning on his heels and rushing out of the room.
Even before the engagement announcement, Kevin had noticed things between the boys dubbed “Frick and Frack.” Nick constantly vied for Brian’s approval and gave him small touches like brushing Brian’s cheek or placing his hand at the small of his back. What made Nick’s affections for Brian most apparent, Kevin thought, was that look; the one that clearly screamed, “I want you” every time Brian wasn’t looking. It was filled with longing and sadness and it broke Kevin’s heart.
Kevin didn’t know if Nick was gay or if Brian was the exception, but either way Kevin knew his cousin would never go for it. Brian wasn’t homophobic, but he was too straight-laced and traditional to ever consider anything besides marrying a woman and having children with her.
Kevin also wasn’t sure if Brian knew about Nick’s affections for him and decided to ignore them in order to avoid potential awkwardness, or if Brian was actually completely unaware of them. Brian could be very naïve and so Kevin assumed it was the latter. Anything more than friendship with Nick had likely never even crossed Brian’s mind.
Kevin’s suspicions were reaffirmed when Howie asked him if there was something going on between Nick and Brian. He seemed genuinely concerned.
Kevin looked over at the two in question as they wrestled on the floor. Nick straddled Brian and tickled him before Brian tossed Nick over and tickled him back. Kevin furrowed his brow, “Honestly, I don’t know.”
Howie pinched his face at the answer and went back to reading his magazine with a small nod. Kevin noticed him glancing up every once in a while to observe Nick and Brian.
Another moment Kevin took as evidence to support his Nick-loves-Brian theory happened when the two in question were whispering and giggling on the bus sofa.
“Dude, Nick, why don’t you just kiss Brian already and be done with it?” AJ teased, looking at them over his sunglasses.
Nick immediately blushed a deep red and Kevin's heart pounded as he waited for Nick's response. Lighthearted Brian, however, grabbed either side of Nick’s head and gave him a big, sloppy kiss on the cheek. Nick tensed and wouldn’t look at Brian the rest of the night. When Brian asked him what was wrong, Nick said he wasn’t feeling well and crawled into his bunk.
An hour later Kevin got into his own bunk and Nick climbed in after him without a word. It was a tight fit, but Kevin curled his body around Nick’s and went to sleep. Nick seemed better the next morning.
On the day of his wedding, Brian beamed with happiness. He bounced around, smiled like an idiot and hugged everyone in sight. Once he and Leighanne finally said, “I do,” Brian wouldn’t let her out of his sight. And Nick wouldn’t let Brian out of his.
Kevin kept his eye on Nick for the rest of the day but he appeared to be genuinely happy for Brian. Kevin thought Nick might just be holding in his emotions until after the party. He had a feeling Nick make a visit to his room that night.
Being the oldest member of the group, Kevin had comforted the rest of the guys many times, in many places over the course of their years together. He had spent many nights with Brian after he had his surgery, exhausted from being forced back into work so soon. Kevin would hold his cousin tight, telling him they could always push back their schedule; that Brian’s health was more important than doing shows. Brian always refused. He hugged his cousin back and fell into a deep sleep and feeling a bit more energized the next morning.
Out of all of them, Kevin had comforted Nick the most.
Nick would wait until everyone was in bed and come creeping down to Kevin’s room, knock three times to make himself known, and open the door. He usually had Kevin’s spare room key for this very reason. Kevin would immediately wake and hold open the covers for Nick to crawl in. The younger man would snuggle his back against Kevin’s chest and, depending on the situation, would fall asleep or cry into his pillow. Either way, Kevin would run his fingers through the silky blonde hair and whisper comforting words, telling him “it will be better in the morning.” It usually was.
So when Kevin heard three knocks on his door the night of Brian’s wedding, he immediately sat up and opened the covers, waiting for Nick to come in. Except Nick didn’t come in. Instead there were three more knocks and a soft, “Kevin?”
Kevin looked at the clock and it read almost half-past three in the morning. Confused, Kevin climbed out of bed, sure he had given Nick a spare key to his room.
Light from the hallway flooded Kevin’s room when he opened the door to see Howie. He was still in his suit from the wedding. The smell of alcohol on him was strong.
“Howie? Come in, man. What’s wrong?”
There had only been one other time Howie had come to Kevin’s room during the middle of the night, and that was right after his sister had died. Kevin had hugged him tight and wiped his tears and whispered comforting words until Howie fell asleep.
This time was much different. Howie couldn’t look Kevin in the eye and stood motionless in his rumpled clothing.
“Howie, here. Sit.” Kevin guided the smaller man by the elbow and shoulder to sit on his bed. Howie still hadn’t met Kevin’s eyes.
They sat in silence for a few moments as Kevin searched Howie’s empty face, wondering what the hell was going on. He waited for Howie to speak and he didn’t. Howie’s eyes were pointed at the carpet, but seemed a million miles away.
This was so unlike Howie that Kevin couldn’t help but push.
“Hey, what’s going on? You’re kinda freaking me out a little bit.”
At the words, Howie closed his eyes and a tear slid down his cheek. A barely audible “Brian” escaped his lips before he completely crumbled. Howie’s hands flew up to cover his face as sobs escaped him and shook his entire body.
Kevin sat stunned for a moment before his years of experience in comforting kicked in and he wrapped both arms around Howie, pulling him close.
Oh my god, Kevin thought to himself. This whole time he had been worried about Nick getting his heart broken when all along it was Howie he should have been concerned about. He silently cursed himself for not paying better attention. Kevin prided himself on being able to read his boys better than anyone and yet he had been completely oblivious to Howie’s feelings towards Brian.
To his credit, Kevin tried to justify, Howie was the most difficult to read out of the group. People usually assumed AJ to be the mysterious one, but Kevin knew better. Beneath the tattooed, bad-boy image was a man who was insecure and vulnerable. He had comforted AJ in the middle of the night almost as many times as he had comforted Nick. AJ worried about his voice, his looks, his place in the band, as Kevin would hold him tight and reassure him the band would be nothing without his talent. AJ usually woke up a bit more confident than when he went to bed.
Howie, on the other hand, was so good at being the sweet, quiet one that kept to himself that Kevin never thought to wonder about what might be bothering him or whom Howie might be wanting. Still, Kevin should have known.
Kevin had a million questions, but Howie seemed so small and broken in that moment that he couldn’t bring himself to do anything except hold the younger man.
“Shhhh, it’s ok. Just breathe.” Kevin whispered into Howie’s hair as he held him even tighter.
After what felt like hours but was probably only minutes, Howie took some deep breaths and spoke.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? Don’t be sorry. This is what brothers are for.”
The two sat in silence again, occasional sniffling filling the quiet.
“How long?” Kevin couldn’t help but ask.
Howie finally looked at Kevin through puffy bloodshot eyes. He gave a sad smile.
“A few years now.” He looked down at his hands. “I’m such an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot. Hell, I feel like the idiot for not noticing. This whole time I thought it was Nick I should be worried about.”
A small laugh escaped Howie, “Me too. I’m not entirely certain that’s out of the question, though. He’s partly why I never said or did anything. I didn’t want to get between Nick and Brian if they had something going on. I was never sure. I’m still not sure.”
Still trying to process this new information, Kevin leaned over to kiss Howie on the forehead. “I’m so sorry. You should have told me. I hate that you had to go through all of this alone.”
“There’s nothing you or anybody could have done,” he replied and tears streamed down his cheeks.
“I still should have been there for you.” He felt guilty. One of his boys needed him and he hadn’t been there to help.
“Here, stay here tonight. Lets get you out of this suit.”
Kevin pulled off Howie’s shoes as Howie unbuttoned his vest and shirt, ending up in an undershirt and boxers. Kevin slid in next to the smaller man and hugged him tight to his chest.
He whispered comforting words and kissed Howie’s soft hair. The sobs that escaped Howie every once in a while became farther and farther apart. Kevin felt Howie’s body relax and heard his familiar breathing pattern that meant he was asleep.
They awoke the next morning to sunlight filling the room.
“How are you feeling?”
Howie turned to face him with a tired, sad smile.
“Still like shit, but a little better.”