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“It’s Valentine’s Day.”
Face glanced at Murdock from across their shared motel room. He was peeling off his jacket and getting ready for some long-overdue rest after their latest job. “You mean it was Valentine’s Day,” he said with a sigh. “And don’t remind me. You know, I'd hoped that if I was gonna be staying up past two in the morning today, it’d be with a beautiful woman. Not setting up a trap for some of the most pathetic lowlives of the decade.”
“We got ‘em good, though, didn’t we,” Murdock chuckled. “Those guys gettin’ carted off to jail covered in feathers sure won’t be leavin’ my mind anytime soon.”
Face hummed in agreement. He blew out a sigh. “I don’t even have the energy to shower. Hannibal really thought he could just ask me to scam a truckload of down pillows and twenty gallons of syrup at nine o’clock at night?”
“Yeah, m’sure that was a whole heck of a lot harder than what me and B.A. had to do, boobytrapping that entire facility in half an hour,” Murdock drawled. “After building that go cart, of course.” He folded his arms over his chest and cocked his head. “Where were you for that, again, Face?”
“Oh, sure, you and B.A. used physical strength. But I had to use my brain .”
Murdock chortled. “Tough work doing that, huh?”
Face just shot him a flat glare.
“I’m kiddin’, I’m kiddin’.” Murdock grinned. “You know we all appreciate ya for your charmin’ good looks and fast thinkin’. Only you could scam so much stuff on short notice. And you’re about the best marksman I’ve ever seen. And you always handle our finances. Don’t think any of the rest of us could take on that job. AND you always break me outta the VA right in time for a job, or just to hang out. I especially appreciate that, ‘cause otherwise I’m cooped up all day and I get real bored, ya know? I love it when you come to my rescue. You sure know how to make a guy feel like the luckiest Rapunzel in the world.”
Face flushed. “Er, uh… Thanks…” Rapunzel?! What did that make Face, his prince?!
Murdock grinned at him for a moment, then sighed and turned around. “Well, if you aren’t gonna take a shower, then maybe I will. I don’t think I got any on me, but I smell like syrup.” He pressed his nose to his own arm and sniffed. “Like a hot plate ‘a pancakes on a Saturday morning.”
“Well, that’s not exactly a bad thing, is it?”
“I dunno, do you like me smelling like syrup?”
“Er… what?”
“You’re the one that’s gotta sleep in the same room as me. You wanna smell syrup all night?”
“I– I don’t care, Murdock.”
“Okay. Maybe I’ll wait ‘til morning, then. I’m gonna wanna wash the bedbugs off of me before we hit the road tomorrow, anyway.”
Face rolled his eyes. “There aren’t any bedbugs here, Murdock. You know, this happens to be one of the nicer places I’ve scammed us lately!”
Murdock let his eyes fall to the torn carpet between them, then glanced at the flickering lamp in the corner of the room. “Uh-huh.”
“Well, sure, it’s no Ritz , but give me a break! We don’t have a lot of options out here, and beggars can’t be choosers. At least this place has a free breakfast, and decent beds. Last time there were holes in the mattresses, remember that?”
“Take it easy, take it easy. I am endlessly grateful for your accomodational endeavors, Faceman.” Murdock bowed in front of him, earning another eye roll.
“Yeah, well… Good.” Face sighed. “Can I turn out the light?”
Murdock toed his shoes off and stepped closer, now in only his shirt, boxers, and socks, as was Face. “Not just yet, I uh… It’s Valentine’s Day.”
“Yeah, it was . We established that already.” Face put on a smirk. “Don’t tell me you want to go bar crawling at this hour just to get us a couple of last-minute dates.”
Murdock shook his head. “Y’know, uh… Valentine’s Day is one of those times when folks tend to make confessions of a certain kind…”
Face frowned. “Er, yeah… And?”
“And I got a certain kinda confession for you. Been waiting months for this day to say it but then we got all caught up in beating up bad guys and I didn’t have the time, but I… I don’t wanna wait any more ‘cause I might lose the nerve.” Murdock put his hands up in a calming manner as he spoke, not quite looking at him. “Now– Now don’t freak out.”
Oh. Oh, God… Face’s breath caught in his chest. What is happening right now?! His pulse made a run for it. He stood silently in front of his friend, wondering for the first time if maybe his “friend” had… other ideas in mind about their relationship.
Murdock took a breath and licked his lips. “I just… I need you to know this, ‘cause it ain’t fair to you to keep goin’ like this, sharing rooms and seein’ each other half dressed and– Hell, it ain’t fair to me , ‘cause I… I can’t keep being close to you without being close to you. Or, I… I mean, I can , ‘course I can, I just… it’s torture, holdin’ all this inside me. A-a-and that ain’t your fault and I don’t wanna put pressure on you, I just… I need you to know what I’m dealing with so you can decide how you wanna deal with it.”
“What–” Face cleared his throat, trying to make his voice sound normal. “What are you dealing with?”
Murdock finally fixed him with a flat stare. “C’mon, man, don’t make me say it. You know what I’m sayin’, here.”
He loves me. Face gulped. Or… he’s just attracted to me? What exactly – “What exactly are you telling me? I mean, what– What do you… What do you want our friendsh– our relationship to look like?”
“I’m saying I’m in love with you and I wanna kiss ya and hold your hand and run my fingers through your hair and tell you you’re pretty and do all the things lovers do.” Murdock held him in a sincere gaze. “But only if you wanted to. I… I don’t wanna freak you out.”
Bit late for that. Face tried to steady his breath. How did he end up here?! Standing in his underwear across from his best friend, not more than five feet between them and every inch of it filled with the weight of Murdock’s confession.
“Will… Will you say something?” Murdock had his eyes closed now, a crease between his brows as his fists clenched and unclenched, his fingers performing an anxious dance on either side of his body.
“I… I don’t know what to say.”
Murdock looked back at him and took a step closer. “Say what you want! Or what you don’t want! Either tell me you wanna kiss me all over or you never wanna be in the same room as me again! Just don’t give me any room for doubt. ‘Cause a fella can drive himself nuts making up stories in his head about… th-thinkin’ maybe you might want what I want. So just shut me down, or, or…”
It made Face’s heart ache to see Murdock so unsure. “I don’t want to not be in the same room as you, Murdock,” he said, because it was all he could say at the moment. He wasn’t ready to even think about whether he might return the romantic feelings, but he knew damn well he would always be better off with Murdock around than without him. Unthinkable. What would his world be like without Murdock? Where would the color be? The warmth? The joy in the little things? How would he remember to stop taking himself so seriously every now and then? Nevermind the fact that Murdock knew more about Face than anyone else in the world.
Murdock nodded, looking away and taking a breath. “Okay. Okay, good. ‘Cause I don’t know what I’d do without you. Even if we’ll never be lovers, I’ll always be happy just to have you as my friend. You… You know I ain’t trying to pressure you into feelin’ the same way, right? Not that you can help that kinda thing anyway. But I mean, I… As much as I wanna hold you and kiss you and–”
Murdock glanced up just in time to catch Face’s anxious gulp. Was it just Face, or was it getting really hard to breathe in that short space between them?
“I– I’m sorry, I– I’m sayin’ that no matter what I want, uh, romantical-wise, I want you to be… comfortable… around me… So… So just… If you don’t want what I want–and I’m guessin’ that’s the case–just tell me. And be real clear about it, ‘cause otherwise I’ll drive myself nuts thinkin’ maybe you might feel the same, and I… I promise if you just shut me down, I won’t ever bring it up again, and I’ll move on. Somehow. That’s what folks do when they got unrequited love right? They move on after a while. Find someone, uh, attainable. I’ll… I’ll move on, I just need you to make it absolutely clear that that’s the only option.”
Face watched Murdock teeter on his heels, looking anywhere but back at Face. The poor guy looked so uncharacteristically insecure. Face wanted to hug him. Which… wasn’t all that surprising, really. After a dozen or two experiences of waking Murdock up from a nightmare, or putting a gentle but firm hand on his shoulder to snap him out of a flashback, the urge to wrap his arms around his friend wasn’t new.
What was new was the strange feeling Face got in the pit of his stomach when Murdock mentioned moving on and finding someone else.
The idea of seeing Murdock flirt with someone else. Watching him blush as he talked about his date. Standing by helpless as Murdock kissed some random woman–or, would it be a man? Being cast to the side while Murdock explored a newfound passion for someone else.
Was that how Murdock felt, watching Face chase after a new woman every other week?
Why did it make Face ache so much?
“Uh, Face, I kinda need ya to speak up, now. Didn’t mean to startle the breath right outta ya, but can you, uh, tell me you don’t wanna kiss me?” Murdock forced a chuckle. “Shouldn’t be too hard, should it? I know I’m not your type. So c’mon, just… shut me down, Faceguy. And then we can go to bed and pretend none of this ever happened and you can get yourself a belated Valentine to smooch tomorrow. Jimmy’s sister was real pretty; I saw you lookin’ at her today. I’ll bet she’d love a date with Templeton Peck.”
Their client’s sister was the last thing on Face’s mind right now.
Face gulped as he looked back at Murdock, suddenly feeling as though he were seeing him for the first time. He wished Murdock would look back at him. He needed to see those brown eyes. Needed to see if they evoked anything in him. He looked at his lips, the little anxious pout they formed as Murdock ran his socked foot over the grungy carpet.
He wanted to cheer him up.
A kiss would cheer him up. Apparently. Face still couldn’t quite wrap his head around the idea. Murdock loved him. Was in love with him. For how long?
He could kiss that pout off of his face.
But did he… did he want to kiss Murdock? Or did he just want to make him feel better by any means necessary?
Somewhere in the back of his mind Face was arguing with himself that it wasn’t normal for a guy to want to kiss his friend just to make him happy.
Maybe I’m just desperate for romance because today was Valentine’s Day and I haven’t been with a woman in over a month , he tried to convince himself.
But he’d gone much longer without physical intimacy before, and he’d never entertained the idea of kissing Murdock to tide him over.
Not only that, but if their client’s sister did want to go out with him tomorrow… Face wasn’t sure it would make a difference. How could he just carry on womanizing when he knew how it tortured Murdock?
Sure, Murdock’s feelings weren’t Face’s responsibility, but… Why did it make him ache so much to think of kissing anyone besides Murdock all of a sudden? Why did the very idea leave him feeling empty inside?
What would kissing Murdock feel like? Fulfilling? Satisfying? Right?
Would it make him feel whole? Or would it freak him out? He supposed it could do both. Sometimes even a good thing could be overwhelming.
But why was he even thinking of kissing Murdock as a potentially “good” thing?!
He hadn’t even considered the idea before tonight, and now it lingered in the air between them, and with each passing breath he grew more and more desperate to know what it would feel like.
Well, there’s only one way to find out…
Face stepped closer. Held his breath. Flitted his gaze from Murdock’s eyes to his lips and back again. Oh, God…
“Face,” Murdock whispered as he raised his head, eyes wide, “what’re you doing?”
Face gulped. “I… I don’t know…”
He took another step. Murdock held his breath, brown eyes darting back and forth, searching Face’s own.
Another step. Face was less than a foot from him now. He gulped. Oh, God, what are you doing?!
He panicked. Backed away. Sat on the edge of his bed and tried to catch his breath. Why were his ears ringing?
“Uh… Maybe it’s just wishful thinkin’ on my part, but I’m pretty sure you were gonna kiss me just now.” Murdock stood a couple feet from him, looking down at where he sat.
“I… No, I wasn’t,” he lied, “I was just–”
“You were just steppin’ into my little personal bubble and lookin’ at my mouth and breathin’ heavy.”
Yeah. Okay, fine. He’d been about to kiss him. Who was he trying to fool? He wasn’t even sure why he’d stopped.
He guessed he’d become too aware of himself. Of the bridge he was about to cross. Of the way everything was about to change. But Murdock would’ve been fine with that!
But what if Face wasn’t fine with it? What if he didn’t like it? What if he gave Murdock hope that they could… could be something, and then changed his mind and broke the guy’s heart?
“Uh… Face?”
“Murdock…” Face whined. “It’s nearly three A.M., can’t we just go to bed?”
“So you don’t wanna kiss me?”
“No!” Face squeezed his eyes shut. Took a breath. Let it out. “I… I don’t know,” he said. “It’s late, and I’m tired, and… and one of my closest friends just told me he has feelings for me, and for the first time I’m realizing–or, or letting myself realize–how deep and genuine his eyes are, and what a nice shade of brown they are, and how contagious his smile is, and his laugh, and how I feel more like myself with you than with anyone else , and I just need a minute, alright?!” Face put his head in his hands, rubbing his eyes with the meat of his palms.
Murdock stood quietly in front of him. Patient. Undemanding. A soothing presence that Face desperately needed more of but didn’t know what to do with yet.
Face took another breath. “You know, I can remember the last time you hugged me,” he said, not quite ready to look back up at his friend. “You were warm, and, and solid, and you made me feel…” He trailed off, finally raising his head. “I didn’t want it to end.”
“Guys should hug their friends more,” said Murdock, shrugging. “‘Specially ones who are starved for affection. Doesn’t have to be anything more than that.”
“It’s not just that, though. I mean, I… I hate to admit it, but I once clung to Hannibal for nearly fifteen minutes after a nightmare about ‘Nam. I was bawling like a baby. He didn’t know what to do. Pat me on the back, let me cry it out… It helped. I didn’t want that to end, either, as humiliating as it was,” said Face. “But that was different. Hannibal’s always– Don’t tell him I said this, but he’s always been like a father to me.” He blew out a long breath. “Anyway, I… I’ve hugged Hannibal, I’ve hugged Amy–hell, I’ve even hugged B.A., but you know what? I’ve never noticed what they smelled like. I’ve never wanted to bury my face in their neck. I’ve never been secretly relieved when they pulled away, because I realized I wanted to hold them more than I should’ve.”
Murdock stared at him for a moment. Then, “But you have with me? S’that what you’re telling me?”
“I… I think so.”
“What, you mean you don’t know if you’ve felt that or not?”
“I’m not ready to know! Or, I… I haven’t been, and that’s why I… I can’t… I haven’t let myself think about it too much, and now it’s all crashing down on me at three in the morning, so just… work with me, here, will you?”
Murdock offered him a gentle smile. “I’ll tell you what, Faceguy,” he said, stepping just close enough to reach down and cup Face’s cheek in his hand. His touch was warm and soft and reassuring and it made Face ache when he pulled away. “I’m gonna go to bed. You’re gonna go to bed. And tomorrow, if you’re feelin’ a little more ready about the whole thing, we can revisit this whole idea of kissin’ each other.”
Face swallowed, blinking up at him. “I love you,” he said, before he could think to stop himself. “I… I know we don’t say things like that to each other, and I… I’m kind of afraid of those three words. Saying them, I mean. It hasn’t worked out well for me in the past.” He blew out a long sigh. “But… now feels like an appropriate time. I love you, Murdock. I really mean it.”
“I don’t doubt it, Temp.” Murdock gave him a soft smile. “I don’t doubt that at all. But I want you to go on ‘n take your time figurin’ out what that love looks like, yeah? I mean, excited as I am about the idea that you might want me back, I don’t want you rushin’ into anything and then wishing you hadn’t. I know I said I wanted you to either tell me you want me or tell me you don’t, but I can handle a little uncertainty for a little while longer. It’s been over ten years, man,” he chuckled, “I oughtta be used to it by now. Don’t go freakin’ yourself out on my account, okay? I’ll allow myself a little bit of hope in the meantime, and you allow yourself some, uh, time to breathe and think about things, okay? There’s no need to rush.”
Oh, this guy… Face sighed and nodded, smiling up at him.
“I love you, too, by the way,” said Murdock. “In case I hadn’t made that obvious.” He chuckled brightly, and Face felt a familiar warmth spread in his chest. This wasn’t new, was it? Murdock had always had a way of making him feel better. “Can I kiss your forehead?”
You can kiss my mouth, Face didn’t say. Couldn’t say. But did he want to? He thought he might…
“I’ll take your silence as a ‘no’,” Murdock said with a chuckle, already turning away.
“No!” Face exclaimed, shooting up from the bed. He gathered himself. “I, uh… I want you to.”
Murdock turned back to him with a smile. He stepped closer, and Face held his breath as Murdock leaned forward and pressed his lips to his forehead. “Goodnight, Face,” he said when he pulled away.
“Goodnight,” Face said around the lump in his throat. He wanted more… man , he wanted more! But he wasn’t sure he was ready for it…
He settled for a compromise between his curious excitement and his anxiety. He leaned forward, and placed a soft kiss on Murdock’s cheek. In retrospect, he realized that was almost more intimate than a full-on kiss would’ve been. After all, he was used to kissing people on the mouth; a kiss on the cheek was something he did much less often. Something undeniably sweet, if not outright cheesy.
But he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it when he saw Murdock beaming back at him as he pulled away.
“Goodnight, Face. Happy Valentine’s Day.” Murdock let his hand slide down Face’s arm and squeezed his hand.
Face grinned back, the strange feeling in his stomach finally overshadowed by the warmth that spread from his chest up to his cheeks. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Murdock.” He squeezed Murdock’s hand back.
And that was that.
They got ready for bed, climbed atop their respective lumpy mattresses, and turned out the light.
Face curled up under the covers and held his hand to his lips, savoring the memory of kissing Murdock’s cheek. His forehead tingled in the place Murdock had kissed it.
He wasn’t sure what would come after this, but he was able to drift off to sleep with a smile, knowing that Murdock would never pressure him to do anything he wasn’t ready for. And that whatever he decided he wanted their relationship to look like in the days to come, Murdock would always be there. He’d always love him.
And, whatever uncertainty Face had about the direction of their relationship, he knew he would always love Murdock.
They’d always be by each other’s side, in one way or another.
There was no rush.