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Shen Qingqiu tells himself that he’s happy – time and again.
How could he not be? He loves Binghe, he’s always loved Binghe, only denied it up intil the last moment. Binghe was right to insist on getting his way: without his perseverance Shen Qingqiu would forever remain lonely and adrift.
Shen Qingqiu is incredibly lucky Binghe has forgiven him at all.
Shen Qingqiu is happy when he smiles at his husband in the morning: it’s the first thing he does, even before getting out of bed. If he doesn’t smile, Binghe will decide Shen Qingqiu isn’t happy to see him. Binghe will be upset, and Shen Qingqiu doesn’t want to upset him.
Shen Qingqiu obediently shoves every mouthful of delicious ginger rice into his mouth. He has no appetite, but it’d be impolite to leave the food on the plate: impolite to Binghe, who put a lot of effort into it. Shen Qingqiu doesn’t want Binghe’s efforts to go to waste.
Shen Qingqiu stays in the demonic realm with Binghe more and more often, spends more and more time there. It’s fine, he doesn’t care where he is as long as he’s with Binghe. Especially since Shen Qingqiu feels more and more uncomfortable coming back to Qingjing: Binghe isn’t welcome there, he gets upset confronting such naked hostility.
Shen Qingqiu speaks to his close circle more rarely these days. Alas, they were unable to move on from the past, to forget their dislike of Binghe. Well, it’s their loss: how could they not see Binghe has changed? He no longer resembles the mad tyrant from the book, ready to kill on a whim.
Shen Qingqiu has already made this mistake once. He won’t repeat it.
He fulfils every one of Binghe’s whims: Binghe has already been through enough pain in this life, some of it at Shen Qingqiu’s behest. Binghe doesn’t want Shen Qingqiu to speak to anyone but him? Shen Qingqiu stops inviting Liu Qingge for tea, stops chatting with Airplane, gossiping with Qi Qingqi, giving lessons to his other disciples. It’s not like he is missing out on anything: Shang Qinghua is busy, Qi Qingqi constantly curls her lips and scolds Shen Qingqiu whenever she sees him, and Liu Qingge… Binghe gets jealous at the mere mention of his name, let alone appearance. And he finds new reasons to be jealous even if Liu-shidi isn’t mentioned at all. It’s easier to stop talking altogether than to get embarrassed over Binghe’s behavior and apologise every time.
Binghe can’t be blamed for acting like that. Binghe’s just afraid of being abandoned – and whose fault is that but Shen Qingqiu’s own? Binghe needs time to get used to it and calm down. He’ll stop reacting so wildly to trifles, and Shen Qingqiu will be able to reclaim the relationship with others that he’s lost.
Is it so hard for him to tolerate it for his husband’s sake? Binghe has been suffering for five years.
Shen Qingqiu quietly hopes it won’t take five years this time. Binghe has gotten what he wanted, now he just needs to get his fill. Of everyday life, of proximity… of bedroom activities. Binghe’s a smart child, a quick learner. In time he’ll understand how to please Shen Qingqiu.
Shen Qingqiu just wishes it didn’t take so long.
Shen Qingqiu shakes his head and mentally slaps himself. How can he be so selfish?
He just needs to put up with it for a bit longer.
Put up with Binghe pinching his hand to the point of pain. Binghe doesn’t mean it, he just got overwhelmed with emotions once he heard about Shen Qingqiu’s mission with Liu Qingge. Who cares if the mission took place a long time ago? Binghe has the right to be jealous. They’re dating now, after all.
Put up with Binghe trying to experiment in bed again and again. His ideas turn more and more humiliating, painful and wild, but Binghe refuses to give up, and Shen Qingqiu can’t deny him anything: the very sight of Binghe’s tears kills Shen Qingqiu’s will to resist.
Put up with Binghe calling him “wife”. After all, Shen Qingqiu wanted this marriage. He had the chance to say no, and he didn’t take it. He was even happy. He called Binghe “husband” the next morning. Besides, is it so hard for him to clench his teeth and pretend to be fine, especially when Binghe is so unrestrained and happy?
Put up with Binghe bringing an Immortal Binding Cable home and speaking of bondage again.
Put up with Binghe saying “it’s shizun’s fault, shizun seduced me”.
Put up with having no undamaged robes in the house, only patched ones: Binghe likes tearing his husband’s clothes way too much. The stitches are barely visible, the robes can still be worn. Binghe merely laughs in response to Shen Qingqiu’s feeble attempt to discuss it and says Shen Qingqiu worries over nothing. After all, they can always buy new clothes. “Or you can stay naked, shizun, you’re beautiful like this”.
Shen Qingqiu puts up with it and tells himself he’s happy. It was his choice. He wanted it.
Shen Qingqiu misses the moment when his life starts revolving around one person. He goes where Binghe wants to go, does what Binghe wants to do, smiles to avoid upsetting Binghe, agrees to avoid making Binghe cry, lies to avoid hurting Binghe’s feelings.
Shen Qingqiu is so used to faking it he’s forgotten the last time he laughed sincerely.
But the sight of a tiny helpless five-year-old Binghe with baby fat on his cheeks makes Shen Qingqiu laugh out loud. He clutches his stomach and gasps for air, trying to suppress his giggle: Binghe is upset and unhappy.
Binghe pushes Shen Qingqiu onto the bed and presses him down. Shen Qingqiu doesn’t resist, knowing from experience it won’t help.
Good thing Binghe is powerless right now, otherwise he’d find a way to express his displeasure. And Binghe is displeased with everything: the fact that Shen Qingqiu started paying more attention to other people, the fact that Shen Qingqiu took new disciples, the fact that Binghe has no way of asserting his claim for his husband. In front of others Binghe plays an obedient child, and only shows his true feelings when he’s alone with Shen Qingqiu: he’s mad other people are talking to his husband. He wants to show the whole world that Shen Qingqiu is his and only his, so that no one dares steal him.
Binghe almost attacks the poor women who were merely trying to arrange a date for Shen Qingqiu. Shen Qingqiu knows Binghe is really mad, and they have to leave in a hurry: Shen Qingqiu is seriously worried for the women’s lives.
Well, it was their fault. They shouldn’t have bothered others so boldly. Especially – someone else’s property.
Binghe’s still unhappy at Qingjing: he doesn’t like sharing Shen Qingqiu’s attention with anyone. He wants only him and Shen Qingqiu to remain at the peak: the way Binghe once threatened at the Maigu Ridge. Alone in the whole world.
Shen Qingqiu doesn’t blame Binghe. Of course, Binghe is merely scared: he hasn’t felt so weak and helpless in a long while.
“In this state I can’t even do anything if someone tries to steal shizun from me.”
Shen Qingqiu smiles and comforts Binghe however he can. Teases him. Kisses him good night. Obediently falls on the bed, pushed by the tiny weak hands. Hugs Binghe and sings him a lullaby. Waits for Binghe’s breath to even out.
Then takes a pillow made of the softest goose feathers and presses it to Binghe’s face.
Binghe jerks, tries to scream, but the force of his current five-year-old body isn’t enough to fight off a trained adult man. Shen Qingqiu waits for a minute, two, five, waits for Binghe to turn quiet. He thinks he’s whispering something out loud, but he’s not sure what. Consolations? Apologies? Promises of eternal love?
Shen Qingqiu sees the chubby little fist unclench powerlessly, then starts laughing out loud, shrieking hysterically. His cheeks are twitching, his stomach hurts, tears roll down his face. Shen Qingqiu is shaking, but keeps pressing on the pillow.
Binghe is the protagonist. He can survive more than that. Shen Qingqiu can’t give him the chance.
A door slams somewhere far away, there are voices, but Shen Qingqiu ignores them. Binghe doesn’t want Shen Qingqiu to speak to anyone. Shen Qingqiu obeys his wishes. Shen Qingqiu isn’t doing anything wrong.
When Binghe comes back, perhaps he won’t be so angry?
Someone’s arms encircle Shen Qingqiu’s waist and easily force him up. Shen Qingqiu screams and jerks, trying to twist out of the careful but firm hold.
“Let me go! Let me go, he’s… he’s…”
“He’s dead already!” Liu Qingge snaps. “Shen Qingqiu, you… enough! Calm down! What’s wrong with you?..”
Shen Qingqiu starts to shake. Once Binghe comes back to his senses and sees Liu Qingge in the bamboo hut, standing next to Shen Qingqiu, Binghe’s going to…
Chengluan’s white blade flashes in front of his eyes, and the next moment a red flower blooms on the bed. Just like on their wedding night. Shen Qingqiu feels sick and goes limp in Liu Qingge’s arms.
“Now he’s definitely dead,” Liu Qingge says, almost softly, as if comforting a child. Shen Qingqiu looks at the stump of Binghe’s neck and turns away, hiding his face in Liu Qingge’s shoulder. A dull thud makes him wince: the head must have rolled to the edge of the bed and…
He doesn’t want to finish the thought.
“Clean this mess,” Liu Qingge orders curtly. “Burn the meat, the sheets, leave no trace of this. Shen Qingqiu, I’m going to carry you to Qiancao.”
Shen Qingqiu shakes his head. If Binghe comes back to his senses only to realise Shen Qingqiu left him again…
Liu Qingge sighs.
“Fine. You, go call Mu Qingfang. We’ll be on the porch.”
Shen Qingqiu feels easier after he gets some air. He even allows himself to stop clinging to Liu Qingge like to a lifeline. Liu Qingge frees one hand and gives Shen Qingqiu a flask.
“Here, have a drink and wash your face. You could probably use some liquor… but I don’t carry any on me.”
There is cool water in the flask. Shen Qingqiu takes a few gulps, and only now realises he’s still smiling widely.
“Better?” Liu Qingge asks warily. He looks almost scared.
“You could’ve just knocked me out and dragged me to Qiancao,” Shen Qingqiu points out instead of replying. “Why didn’t you?”
“Because you wanted to stay. And I’m no mongrel to ignore your choice.”
Shen Qingqiu silently nods, not trying to think over the words, and puts his head back on Liu Qingge’s shoulder. He feels warm and almost peaceful: no need to be afraid that the touch might morph into something humiliating and painful. No need to lie. No need to go anywhere. No need to convince himself he’s fine.
No need to put up with anything.
No need to suffer any longer.