Archive of Our Own ^beta

“How did that go?”

Luke didn't answer and just shrugged before leaving his stuff on a corner of the room and crashing on the couch, snuggling to Ashton.

It had gone horrible , and Luke just wanted to bury himself in Ashton’s chest and never go on a date again.  “He works in a slaughterhouse. He has a passion for golf and he hates All time low. He talked about himself for two hours , Ash…” Luke growled.

“Ew. I hope you don't plan on seeing him again.”

“Never in a million years.”

“Great.”

Ashton held Luke against him and started to play absentmindedly with Luke’s curls.  “Do you need something? I can make you some tea, if you want.”

“You know I don't like tea, Ash.”

“You've been saying this for the last two years yet you keep drinking mine.”

“Because you make it.”

“So you like my tea?” Ashton grinned.

"Maybe I just like you ."

Ashton’s fingers stopped their slow motion in Luke’s hair and the blond frowned. He liked when Ashton was playing with his curls.  “Is everything ok?” he asked. Ashton laughed and Luke could have sworn something was off.  “Yeah. Just wondering which kind of tea I'm making you right now.”

“I don't want-”

“Yes you want. Red berries tea for you, Lukey boy.”

“Stop calling me that!”

“No. That's cute.”

“I'm not cute!” Luke protested.

“Believe me, you are .”

Ashton went to the kitchen, leaving Luke alone on the sofa, depressing about his terrible love life.

Luke was twenty three, and the longest relationship he had got into was like two months long.

He was sixteen .

That was with Michael.

Yes, Michael. Platinum fringe, (well it was red or green or blue at this time), black hat on the head, looked like he was a punk but really was just a kitten, this Michael. His best friend. 

This had started as a joke, they were both single and they decided to try dating.  “I'm single, you're single, we both like boys and we both need affection because nobody wants us," Michael had said. Then they had both liked it because it's just nice to be in a relationship with your best friend, and after… They had realized they really were just friends. They still talked about these times with fondness towards their younger selves. They still had so much to learn…. But as fun as it had been, Michael and Luke weren't meant to be together. 

"Here, take it. And tell me you don't like that."

Luke grinned and took the cup of tea from Ashton’s hand. The honey blond took place next to him and looked at him drink his tea. Luke closed his eyes. That was good. That was really good.

"Hmm…" he nearly moaned, finishing his cup of tea in a minute. It burned, but it felt good.

"I take it as you liking it, then?" Ashton smiled.

"Fuck, yes ."

"So you like my tea. Not me."

"Ok. Maybe I do like you tea. But I like you too."

Ashton grinned and opened his arms for Luke to come into them. The blonds’ eyes twinkled and he scooted closer to snuggle to Ashton.

"Thank you Ash. You are so nice to me… I'm just a failure who can't get into a relationship with someone who isn't a perfect loser."

"Shut up. Ok, so far, your dates have all been losers, but that doesn't make you a failure."

Luke shrugged and hugged Ashton tighter.  "I don't know. I keep meeting new people, and no one seems to want more with me. I feel like nobody wants me, and that hurts."

"Oh, Lukey…" Ashton sighed, kissing the top of his roommate’s head.  "Don't say things like that. You just haven't found the right person. I know someone is waiting for you somewhere. You just have to look around you."

"Around me?"

"Around you."

Luke frowned. What was Ashton trying to say?  "Hmm. I'm not sure Petunia wants to be my girlfriend," he shrugged.  "And I don't really see anyone but you and Mike these times, apart from these horrible dates."

Ashton didn't answer, and Luke looked down at him.  "Ash?"

"Sorry. I zoned out." Ashton sighed and shook his head.  "You'll be fine, Luke. You're a gorgeous man, you're nice and funny, and cute, and-"

"Shut up!" Luke laughed.  "I told you! I'm not cute!"

"You, shut up!" Ashton grinned, tickling Luke on the side of his stomach, making Luke burst in a loud laughter, slowly becoming a small giggle.  "See? You're adorable."  

Luke just laughed again and crushed Ashton.  "I don't believe you, but thanks. I'm going to bed now. Good night, Ash, thank you again."

"Hmm, good night."

Luke kissed Ashton on the cheek and went to his room, smiling. His roommate had, once again, managed to lift his mind up. This awful date had already been forgotten, and Luke smiled fondly while brushing his teeth, thinking about how his friend was always able to cheer him up

When he had finished, Luke suddenly felt the need to tell Ashton how much he was important to him and he came back into the living room, finding Ashton on his phone, apparently video calling someone.  "Yeah, I know, Mike, but I can't tell him-"

"Are you talking with Michael?" Luke exclaimed, grinning.

"Luke!" Why did Ashton sound so panicked?  "I didn't hear you. Yeah, this is Michael, do you wanna say hi?"

"Of course I want to say hi!" Luke laughed, jumping on the sofa, nearly crushing Ashton. He looked at Ashton"s phone and grinned as he saw his old friend on his bed, his dog Southy on his lap. 

"Hi Mike! How is my favorite ex?"

"Stop saying that, Luke! It was ages ago. You know it wasn't like that."

"Michael, you took me on ten dates, we spent plenty of nights making out in your room, we even slept together at some point, so yeah, you're my ex. And my first boyfriend ever."

"You slept together ?" Ashton gasped.

"Yeah," Michael sighed.  "Once. But again, we were just two horny teenagers. And that… thing made us realize we wouldn't work out together. Not like that."

"Was it that bad?" Ashton laughed, but, as soon as he did, Luke frowned because something felt wrong in the way Ashton’s eyes weren't totally smiling too. If Ashton was feeling wrong, Luke would make his possible to make him feel better.

"Are you kidding? I'm a sex god. Michael looked so awed when he ca-"

"Stop!" Ashton winced.

"Well, it didn't take me long after him because damn, Mike, you really have the best di-"

"STOP! STOP THAT!!" Ashton shouted, covering his ears.

"Yeah, I agree with Ash, Luke," Michael sighed.  "That was inappropriate. Never tell that to anyone else. That's weird ."

"Oh my god," Ashton whispered, wide-eyed.  "I have so many images, now, I…"

"Do you like what you see, then?" Luke smirked, making Ashton choke on his breath.

"Luke!" Ashton cringed.  "I mean it, stop talking about that, I don't want to know any more of it."

"You sure? I can assure you it was really great, we could have filmed it, it would have made a perfect porn vide-"

"LUKE!"

"Ok, ok, I'll stop," Luke said innocently.  "I'm sorry."

"Doesn't matter," Ashton mumbled.  "I'm just scarred for life."

There was a silence which lasted for a bit too long, and Luke was starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. Had he taken this too far? He had just wanted to make Ashton smile…

He turned to his roommate with a concerned look and took his hand, pressing it, asking,  "You okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. It's just… God, I did not want to know about this part of your past, Luke. Michael, you could have stopped him."

"What? He was saying I had the best di-"

"Michael! I'm begging you, I-"

"It's ok, Ash," Luke said gently.  "We’re never ever talking about it again."

"Thank god."

"Luke, why are you here, in the first place?" Michael asked.  "Ash has told me you just went to bed."

"Oh, right!" Luke exclaimed, turning to look at Ashton with a smile.  "I just realized while brushing my teeth I forgot to tell you how much I love you!"

Ashton froze and Luke saw Michael smirking.  "Do you actually?" Ashton asked.

"Yeah. I just wanted to tell you. You're like, my favorite person in the world."

"Hey!" Michael protested.

"Come on, Mike, I love you, too. I can have two best friends."

"No!"

"Yes you can," Ashton grinned.  "I love you too, Luke. You're also my favorite person in the world."

"Great! " Luke beamed, leaning in to kiss Ashton on the cheek before waving at Michael on Ashton’s screen.  "Bye Mike! See you soon!"

"Farewell, traitor," Michael mumbled.  "I hope I'll never see you again."

"You don't mean it because you love me!" Luke smiled, heading to the door.  "And I'm cute, Ashton always says it!"

Luke went to bed, snuggled into the covers, and sighed. He had the two best best friends he could have ever met. His life should have been complete.

But he needed more . He needed someone else. Someone to be his girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever else who would like to kiss him and cuddle him and go on dates with him and just love him. He needed someone to love, and someone to love him. But despite what Ashton had told him about just having to look around him, he was still wondering if this person existed.

– – – – –

"Why are you smiling so wide?"

"I have to tell you something."

"What? Tell me!" Ashton asked, impatient.  "I need to know what makes you so happy. I love when you're happy."

"Ok. I met someone."

Ashton froze.  "Oh, like… you met met someone?" 

Luke grinned, remembering his encounter with this cute bartender at his favorite coffee shop. They had been giving each other side looks and Luke had even attempted a wink. The man had smiled, blushing. Calum, that was his name.

"Yeah! Well I saw him once but… There’s something . He's so… so cute . And hot at the same time. Can you picture that? We talked a bit, and he was all blushing and struggling to speak, he said to me I was cute! Can you imagine that? Someone thinks I'm cute! That's just incredible…"

"I told you you were cute plenty of times," Ashton frowned. Luke didn't see the hurt expression of his best friend.

"Yeah, I know, but… that's you . You don't count."

"Oh."

This time, Luke noticed Ashton looking away, staring at the floor. Afraid to have hurt his friend's feelings, Luke started again,  "I mean, of course you count, Ash, but like… you think I'm cute in a friendly way. Because you've always seen me as your little brother, I know it. So hearing Calum say it felt different. Because this man seems to like me a bit even though I don't know why, and… Do you understand? Are you mad? God, Ashton I'm sorry if I didn't express myself well, I… I didn't mean to hurt you, I love you, you know that, Ash… Of course you count, you matter a lot. You matter more than anything."

"That's not… it's okay, Luke," Ashton gave him a faint smile.  "I know you didn't mean it that way. I'm just tired, I think. And a bit worried about you running away from me and Mike to be honest. But that's… That's my brother attitude , like you say."

Why did he sound so bitter?

"I… I want the best for you. And I don't know that Calum well enough to let you date him while being entirely stress-free. But I know you're an adult and I have nothing to say, so… Go for it, Luke. This guy seems to like you a lot. You seem to… to like him a lot too. So go on and ask him out next time, maybe… maybe he 's the right person."

"Are you sure? Do you… do you really think I have to ask him out? If you don't think it's a good idea, I’ll listen to you Ash, you know I always listen to you."

"Because I'm smart?" Ashton gave him a faint smile.

"Because you are old and wise," Luke teased.  "You're so old you must have known the dinosaurs, mate."

"Hey! That's not true! I'm two years older, you idiot! Stop being mean."

"Oh, I didn't want to hurt your feelings…. Grandpa."

"Stop it! Now! You're an insufferable brat! You're being mean to me."

"I'm not being mean, Ash," Luke said, scooting closer to Ashton with a grin.  "If I offended you, just tell me how I can make it up to you? Would a cuddle be ok?"

"Hum. Don't know. Try it."

Luke chuckled and hugged Ashton, crushing him against his chest. Ashton huffed and let himself go against his roommate. Luke held him tight, trying to hug Ashton’s pain away. He knew this joke was just a pretext. He had noticed Ashton wasn't feeling well these times, and his best friend had never been one to express his feelings, to talk about it. All Luke could do was be there, hold him, and try to comfort him. 

He didn't know what was putting Ashton down, but he was willing to do whatever it’d take to make him feel better.

"Luke."

"Hm."

"You're crushing me."

"’M sorry," Luke mumbled, leaving Ashton a bit more space, giving his temple an apologizing kiss.

Ashton left a kiss on Luke’s shoulder, and the blond beamed against his friend, holding him a bit tighter.

"Luke."

"Oh, I'm crushing you again! I'm sorry, Ashton! Your old body is just so comfy!"

"Shut up."

Ashton laughed and the gesture made vibrations go through Luke’s chest. The blond closed his eyes, enjoying the moment. 

Hugging Ashton was one of his favorite things in his life. With hugging his mum and hugging Michael. Luke liked hugging people a lot in general. He loved the proximity, the intimacy and the comfort of this act, and he really loved to be close to people.

Especially Ashton.

He was always warm and comfy, and Luke always felt… safe. Happy. Home . 

"I love you, Ash," he whispered, keeping him close to him.  "Thank you for staying here for me."

"I love you too. And I’ll always do."

– – – – –

"Hi Calum."

"My favorite customer!" Calum exclaimed, beaming.

Luke had returned to this coffeeshop a certain amount of time now, for a month or so. Each time, he had talked with Calum, he had joked with Calum, he had admired Calum’s wonderful arms and eyes and curls and laugh and personality and kindness and cuteness and hotness and was now absolutely sure of what he wanted.

Calum had been shy at their first encounter but now Luke and him were genuinely starting to get along really well, and Luke liked spending time with him nearly as much as with Michael. They were good friends. Now Luke wanted to try something else.

"What do you think about going out somewhere tonight, Cal? To get dinner." he asked, sounding way more confident than he truly was.

The bartender blushed hard and stuttered,  "I… I mean… I would like to but… Am I not reading it wrong? Please tell me I got it right. Tell me you're asking me to go on a date with you."

Luke grinned.

"I am."

"Oh my god, let me… Just a second."

Calum all but ran to the kitchen, and Luke, amused, watched him through the window doing a small dance and pitching himself. 

Calum was so cute…

He came back a minute later and beamed,  "God I didn't know if you felt the same way. You… you're asking me on a date. So you like me a bit?"

"No, I just want free coffees."

When he saw Calum’s face fall, Luke rolled his eyes and said, "Cal. Of course I like you. I like you a lot, because you're cute, you're funny, you're handsome and you're nice. I would love to go on a date with you, and a second, and a third, and as many dates as possible. So… is it a yes?"

"Oh my god. Yes . it's a big yes, Luke, I… I like you too. I'd really love to get to know you better."

 – – – – –

"Oh. My. God . Why didn't you tell me you had a dog?" Luke gasped, crouching to pat the small dog’s head.

They were at Calum’s place, for their fourth date since the day Luke had asked Calum out, a month ago. They were getting along really well, and spent their time joking and messing around with each other like two old friends. Luke couldn't feel anything more for now but it would come.

"I guess it didn't come to my mind," Calum shrugged.  "His name is Duke. He is old ."

"Like my best friend Ashton. He keeps saying he is only two years older but I don't believe him. He talks to me like he has centuries of experience."

"You keep talking about Ashton, when will I get to meet him?" Calum asked.

"You want to?" Luke beamed.  "You can come over tomorrow if you want! I am happy you want to know him. You know, Ashton is one of my favorite people in the world. He is so sweet and… I don't know. He is Ashton ."

Calum gave him a shy smile and nodded.  "Ok, I’ll come tomorrow. I'm meeting your best friend. Ok. That's a bit scary."

"No, don't be scared, Cal, I don't want you to feel uncomfortable. If you don't feel like doing it, then don't come. It's okay, you know. Maybe it's too soon? I don't wanna go too fast, maybe we’re not… maybe we’re not close enough? Do we ever want the same things? I… maybe we should talk about it?"

Calum just looked at him, sitting on the couch. Luke bit his lip. What if he had ruined everything? He really liked Calum. They’d known each other for a few months now, going on dates, laughing, talking for hours, shamelessly flirting… Luke was starting to want something. To want more. He didn't l ove Calum (yet), but… He needed someone to be with so bad… He needed affection, and he needed to give affection. He was wondering what it would feel like to kiss Calum, to feel his lips on his, to make it official, he was curious about him becoming his boyfriend, but he didn't know what Calum thought about that.

Luke swallowed and sat across from Calum.

"So…" he started.

"Luke… I have to ask you… what are we?"

"What do you want us to be?" Luke’s heart was pounding in his chest, at the thought of having found the person who might have been the one. Maybe he had found the boyfriend able to give him the love he craved for. Calum and him had so much in common, they were going along so well, they certainly were meant to be together, they were just… perfect. Luke believed in this. Love could come later.

"I… We’ve only been on four dates but I… I really like you a lot, Luke, and… I… I kinda would like to… to try? I mean… Will you be my boyfriend?"

Luke froze, then beamed, and scooted closer to Calum.  "I… I feel the same, Cal. I’ll gladly be your boyfriend!"

"God, so it's true, then?"

"Guess it is!" Luke said excitedly.  "Can I… I mean… I'd really like to kiss you right now."

Calum didn't answer and just scooted closer to put his lips on Luke"s. 

– – – – –

"What do you mean, you didn't feel anything?"

"Mike that's pretty clear…" Luke mumbled.  "I just… when he kissed me… I didn't feel anything special, it was just a kiss, and it felt… a bit weird? I don't know?"

"If it felt weird then leave him," Michael said, stopping playing his video game to look at Luke.  "If you're not comfortable with him…"

"That's the point!" Luke sighed, awkward.  "I… I do feel comfortable with him. He's perfect! We have so many things in common, we… we're so great together… I really don't get it."

"He's just not the right person," Michael said.  "Maybe you match totally but as friends . Have you thought about it?"

"Not really… I mean, I was so sure he would be my boyfriend, I… didn't think about other possibilities…"

Luke sighed and started fidgeting. He needed a hug. He wanted to touch someone. He needed someone to hold him. 

Ashton.

"Come on, Luke, on my lap."

Luke smiled a little and snuggled to Michael, burying his face into the crook of his best friend’s neck.  "Hey, Luke, that's not the end of the world, you know? Look at us. We stayed best friends after dating. We weren't meant to be together, but we’re fine now, ok?"

"Yeah… I'm glad we’re fine. I love you Michael."

"I love you too. Now did you tell Calum what you felt?"

"No… I don't wanna hurt him. He is so kind, Michael, he… he doesn't deserve this. After the kiss -it lasted like, ten seconds-, he just smiled nervously and we cuddled on the couch to watch a movie. I just… pecked him on the lips when I left and… yeah. That's all."

"What are you gonna do, then?"

"I… I think I'll just keep going out with him and maybe…"

"Maybe he will magically become the love of your life?"

"That sounds stupid when you say it, but… yeah. We're so… compatible . There’s literally no reason why we wouldn't work out. Maybe it's just the beginning. After that, it'll get better. Maybe we don't even have to kiss. If kissing is the problem."

"I'm still afraid you'll end up hurt. And Calum too."

Luke shrugged, biting his lip.  "I have to try. I want this thing to be true. I want to love someone, Mike. And I can love Calum, I know it."

"Do what you think is right. But please don't lie to Calum for too long. If you still don't feel anything for him in a few weeks, then please tell him how you feel. That's not… that's not okay, Luke."

"I just… Calum is the first who seems to like me, I just don't get why nobody wants me, Mike I… Am I that ugly? That annoying? That awkward? Why does nobody want to love me, Mike?"

Luke didn't realized he was crying until he saw the wet stain on Michael"s shirt.  "Shit I'm sorry, Mike, I didn't have to get so emotional over this, I…"

"Shut up Luke and let me hug you. Please. I can try to comfort you, just let me hold you."

"Okay," Luke whispered, squeezing Michael's middle.

"Stop saying nobody wants you, that's wrong. You're not annoying, you're not ugly, and you're not… well okay, sometimes you're awkward but we love it because it's cute ."

"I don't know," Luke mumbled. “Ashton says I’m cute all the time but I’m not sure.”

"Where is he?"

"At his mom's house. He comes back in a few hours. Why?"

"Ashton could help you better than me, that's all."

"What? You're my best friend too, Michael, I don't know why…"

"Come on. I know I'm your best friend and you love me and I give great cuddles and all but… I don't have Ash’s thing. This presence, this… Ashton is just better with words. He's better with you ."

"I… I'm sorry," Luke mumbled, because okay, he needed Ashton right now. But he didn't want to hurt Michael's feelings. With Ashton it was just… easier? Not really, It was easy to talk with Michael too. Luke didn't know, really. Ashton was just so caring and loving and him that Luke needed to talk to him more than to anyone else.

"Don't be," Michael said gently, rubbing his back.  "I get it. Ashton and you… you have this… I don't know. You're just fusionnal. You love eachother so much I just want to smile every time I see you two together. I know Ashton is who you really want right now, but I can stay until he comes back home, okay?"

"Okay," Luke sniffed.  "Thank you Mike. For staying and for… understanding.  About Ashton."

"Of course I understand."

"I love you very very much, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know, we had sex once."

"Mike! Not like that . You know what I mean."

"Yeah I know," Michael chuckled.  "I love you too."

"I don't… prefer Ashton, you know. I don't want you to think I love you less than him, it's just…"

"Different?"

"Yeah. I don't know how exactly, but it's different."

"You'll figure it out," Michael said.  "Now let's cuddle and watch a movie okay?"

– – – – –

"You look gorgeous." 

Luke meant it. Calum was simply dressed with baggy jeans and a black tank top which showed his arms’ muscles, but Luke found him… handsome. Really, really handsome.

"Compared to you, yeah, I agree."

"Hey! That's mean!" Luke protested.

"I'm just kidding. You're as handsome as you usually are."

"That is to say?"

"Very little, to be honest."

"Calum!"

Lule pouted and Calum leaned towards him to kiss him on the cheek.  "Hey. Don't pout. Of course you're handsome. In fact, I don't think I have ever met someone as good looking as you in my entire life."

Luke blushed a little.

"Thank you. Come in, Ashton is in the living room."

"Will he like me?"

"He will love you."

Luke hesitated a second, then took Calum’s hand and lead him to the living room. He was nervous. Like really, really nervous. He didn't know why, but introducing his boyfriend to his best friend was putting him on nerves.

Ashton stood up when he heard their steps on the living room floor, and grinned, walking their way.

"So Ash, this is Calum. My… My boyfriend."

"Hi Calum! I'm Ashton, Luke’s… roommate."

"Oh come on, Ash," Luke rolled his eyes, leaving Calum’s hand to drag Ashton to him.  "You're way more than my roommate. You're my best friend, for god’s sake."

Calum gave them a small smile as Luke kissed Ashton’s cheek, and Ashton turned to Luke with a grin.  "Fine. Your best friend. Now let's sit on the sofa so I can tell Calum plenty of embarrassing stories about you."

"Yes please, I want blackmail!" Calum laughed, following Ashton, as Luke mumbled his disagreement.

– – – – –

"And this time! Do you remember, Ash?"

"Oh my god, yes! You were like, 16 on this picture? I was…"

"Way older, Ashton. You're at least fifty years older than me."

"Stop it!" 

Luke laughed and he felt someone nudging him. He turned to see Calum biting his bottom lip, before whispering,  "Can I use the bathroom?"

"Of course. It's the door on your right when you enter the corridor."

Calum nodded and stood up to leave the room.

"So…" Luke started, looking at Ashton, feeling stupidly nervous.  "What…"

"I think He's perfect," Ashton said.  "He seems like a nice guy, he makes fun of you with me and you were right, this man is hot and cute. So… it's a yes for me."

"Yeah?" Luke asked, his heart beating in his chest because something felt wrong. Why was he… Why the hell was Luke hoping Ashton would say no?

"Of course. I… I'm happy for you, Luke."

"Yeah, I'm… happy too."

Ashton just hugged Luke and the blond melted into the tight embrace. He loved Ashton hugs. He felt so safe right now…

"Thank you, Ash. For liking him. I really want this to work with Calum, I'm tired of being alone with nobody loving me the way I want. Thank you."

That’s a lie. You don't want to be with Calum as boyfriends.

"Don't thank me for liking him, Luke. Calum seems like a good guy," Ashton replied, holding Luke against him.  "If he's the one, who am I to stop you? I just want you to be happy."

"I love you, Ashton."

Ashton didn't respond. Luke frowned. Ashton always said it back when Luke told him he loved him.

"Ash?"

"Hm?" 

"Are you okay? I mean… You've been acting a bit off for a few months… You're zoning out a bit too much, I think,  and… I'm a bit worried, to be honest."

Ashton just shrugged and sighed against Luke’s shoulder.  "It's nothing."

"Ashton, I'm not an idiot, I…" 

"I'm okay, Luke, I promise, I… I just have a lot going in my mind and I can't manage to shut all these thoughts. Don't worry."

"Of course I'm worrying!" Luke exclaimed.  "Ashton, you can talk to me, you know? I know you don't like to talk about your feelings and all but… I'm here, you know? I'm here and I love you, I'll always be here."

Ashton said nothing.

"Ashy, please, I…"

"I love you too, Luke."

"God you scared me!" Luke sighed, holding Ashton tighter.  "I thought… you weren't answering… you weren't saying it back… I thought you didn't… didn't love me anymore? Am I… Am I still your best friend, Ashy?"

"Luke, god, of course you're still my best friend, you fool. Of course I still love you. I love you so, so, so much… You just… you just don't understand."

"What?" 

"I can't tell you."

"How do you expect me to understand if you won't tell me anything?"

"I don't expect you to understand."

Ouch. That hurt. Luke frowned and was about to say something when they heard a throat clearing behind them. Luke’s head snapped back and he smiled at Calum. 

You’re faking it, Luke.

  "Hey!"

"Hey."

"Now that you're here, maybe we could start a movie?" Ashton said, making Calum nod. 

Luke broke away from Ashton and motioned to Calum to sit next to him. The brown-haired man gave him a faint smile, and walked towards the couch to join Luke. When he sat next to the blond, Luke noticed he seemed nervous.

He let an arm go around Calum's shoulder, and whispered as Ashton made the movie start,  "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure? Are you uncomfortable? Was it too soon for you to come? Do you want to leave? I'm sorry if I…"

Luke was cut by a sweet kiss on his cheek.  "I mean it, everything’s okay, Luke. I'm happy to be here. Really."

"Are you sure?"

"Do I have to kiss you to show you how happy I am?"

Luke stilled because… he didn't know what to answer. Calum was his boyfriend, he had been for a week now but… they had only kissed once. The day they became officially a couple. And Luke couldn't forget that he had felt nothing.

"Why don't you try?" he said, trying to sound confident when he clearly wasn't. Calum gave him a shy smile and brought his face closer to Luke's, hesitating a second before putting his lips on the blond’s.

Luke tried . He really, truly, honestly did. He tried to melt into the kiss, to make butterflies suddenly appear in his stomach and to make his heart beat faster.

Why? he asked himself. Calum is perfect, Calum is my goddamn boyfriend, how come I don't like kissing him?

He kissed the brown-haired back, hesitantly, maybe a bit awkwardly, and in a way too clumsy way. Luke didn't know why. He was good at kissing people, in general. He had made out with Michael plenty of times and his best friend had never raised any objection. And Michael was really honnest. So Luke might be a good kisser.

So why didn't this work with Calum? They pulled away a minute later, and Luke put a smile on his face not to show Calum his true feelings. 

Don't lie to Calum for too long.

That's what Michael had told him. 

I'm not lying. I'm sparing him a hard truth, that can probably be changed with some time.

"I…"

"Luke, I love you, but please, don't start to make out with your boyfriend while sitting on the same couch as me," Ashton said, and again, Luke frowned when he noticed something strange in his best friend’s voice.

Calum blushed and buried his face into Luke’s chest. The blond grinned and pulled Calum against him, softly kissing the top of his head. He liked this. He really did. 

Cuddling, hugging, being close to Calum. He liked it. They were all things he did with Michael and Ashton, and that didn't feel strange at all.

So why was he unable to feel something while kissing him?

"Stop it, you're disgustingly cute."

“Don't be jealous," Luke said in a playful tone. He obviously knew Ashton wasn't jealous.

The honey blond didn't say anything and Luke noticed a new emotion in his friend’s eyes. 

"Come on, join us, Ash."

"What?"

"Cuddle. Group cuddles are the best, you know it," Luke grinned.

"I don't know, Luke," Ashton hesitated, looking at Calum.

"What do you think, uhm, babe?" Luke asked Calum, and okay, calling him babe felt weird. The brown-haired gave him a small smile and nodded.  "You can join, Ashton. No problem."

Ashton looked Calum in the eyes for a few seconds, and Luke would have wanted to know what they were silently saying to each other. Both seemed… a bit sad? Luke frowned. Something was strange. Something felt off and he couldn't get what.  "Come on, Ashy… Calum is okay with that! We can cuddle… please, I want to hold you…"

Ashton smiled softly and nodded, before snuggling to Luke’s other side. 

Luke felt better. 

All was always better with Ashton on his side.

He felt okay, like that, with Calum on one side, Ashton on the other. 

They watched the movie, Luke playing with Ashton’s hair, rubbing Calum’s back absentmindedly. When he looked at his best friend, Luke stopped breathing. He was beautiful, half asleep in his arms, humming of content from time to time as Luke pulled gently on his honey blond locks. Luke smiled. He loved Ashton so much… Why couldn't he love Calum the same way he loved Ashton?

Wait what ?

No, of course he didn't want to love Calum the same way he loved Ashton. Ashton was his best friend, he was his brother . Not his boyfriend. 

A strange feeling made its appearance in Luke’s stomach at the thought of Ashton and him together, and he frowned. Why did this perspective sound so attractive when he already had a boyfriend he liked a lot? But you don't love him, said a voice in his head. You don't love him the way you should love a boyfriend.

Luke shook his head and focused on the movie. That was bullshit. He only needed time. He would fall in love with Calum at some point. He just needed to wait a bit.

When the movie stopped, Luke smiled fondly at how adorable his two friends were asleep on his chest. Well no. His best friend and his boyfriend. Luke cringed because it felt strange even in his head.

He decided to wake Ashton first, and kissed him on the top of the head.  "Ash… hey, Ashy…"

"Humm…"

"Stop being cute, I just want to wake you up."

"Why?" Ashton mumbled.

"The movie’s finished. I have to wake Calum because he has to wake up early tomorrow."

"Go on, wake him up, then," Ashton grumbled. He sounded grumpy, but Luke knew it was only because of his sleepy state. 

Luke kissed him on the top of the head again and started to gently tap Calum’s shoulder.  "Cal, hey Cal…"

Calum immediately opened his eyes and smiled sleepily at Luke.  "Hey. Time to go?"

"Yeah. The movie’s finished. I'm driving you home, come on."

"You don't have to, you know. I can walk."

"Of course not. You're already sleeping. Come on, let's get out."

Luke helped Calum stand up, and the brown-haired man said bye to Ashton, who gave him a faint smile and shook his hand in a formal way.  "Bye Calum. I… I was happy to meet you. Thank you for making Luke happy."

Luke looked down for a second, because he wasn't sure of that. Of course Calum made him happy but… it was not different than with Michael. Which either meant he was in love with Michael, or he wasn't in love with Calum. And he was sure he wasn't in love with Michael.

He sighed. He wanted to love Calum the right way so bad…

"Let's go, Cal."

Calum nodded and hesitantly took Luke’s hand. The blond stilled and looked at Ashton, a strange feeling in his blood. Why was he reacting like that? Why was having Calum’s hand in his feeling so weird, like he was doing something wrong? And why did he feel the need to look in Ashton’s direction, as if to know if his best friends had an objection?

Ashton raised an eyebrow, questioning, and Luke shook his head, squeezing Calum’s hand.

They drove to Calum’s house in a strange silence, and when Luke glanced at Calum, he saw him lost in his thoughts, looking at the road.

In front of Calum’s door, Luke hesitated, before coming with him until they arrived at the door. Luke didn't know what to do. He was meant to kiss him, wasn't he?

Calum chose for him and put his lips on his. Luke didn't want it to be awkward so he put his arms around Calum’s neck and the other’s hand landed on his waist. 

Still nothing. How the hell was it possible to feel nothing when a man like Calum was kissing him? Luke might be defective. They kissed for barely ten seconds before Luke pulled back slowly, not daring to look into Calum’s eyes. 

He heard his boyfriend sigh slightly and say,  "It's not gonna work, is it?"

"W-what?" Luke asked, confused.

"I mean… I can't tell you how sorry I am, Luke, but… I mean… I don't like you... like that ."

The surprise passed, Luke groaned and let his head fall on Calum's shoulder.  "God, you feel it too!" he exclaimed, letting go of Calum’s neck, and taking a step back.

"I assume you think the same as me," Calum sighed, relieved.  "I really thought I was crazy, I mean… I truly like you a lot Luke, you're so cool and nice and handsome, but… I can't manage to feel anything."

Luke groaned again.  "Nope. Nothing. I just didn't want to tell you because I like you a lot and I didn't want to hurt your feelings because you're such an amazing person, Calum, but…"

"Same for me. I wanted to wait a bit, see if that could evolve…"

"Exactly!" Luke ran a hand through his hair. "I was so confused. I mean, how come we are not perfect for one another?" he asked Calum and himself.  "We like the same things, we have the same stupid sense of humor and god knows you're really fucking hot.” Calum blushed a little and Luke found him adorable but… nothing more.  "But when we kiss it's like… it's like…"

Luke didn't know how to say it.

"Like kissing your brother?"Calum tried, and Luke cringed, making him laugh.

"Why the hell did you say that? That sounded so weird! Oh my god!" Luke exclaimed, which only made him laugh harder.

"Okay, okay. I'm sorry." Calum said, hitting his arm lightly.

 Luke shook his head.  "I guess you have a point, though. We… we would probably be just better as friends." The two of them said nothing for a couple seconds, just stood on Calum's building’s doorstep and stared at each other.  "Friends who have kissed and dated." Luke grumbled to himself.

 "Eh, you told me you had dated your best friend Michael for four months years ago! You're still friends right?"

"Of course."

"Nothing changed between you two?"

"No. We just became closer."

"So everything’s okay! I can be another number on your All the friends I've dated list!"

"Shut up! You're an idiot."

"Yeah, an idiot you wanted to date." Luke blushed a little in embarrassment and he shoved him as he laughed.

"Shut up! So what if I wanted to date you? You said yes! You could have let me down very gently and said no." 

"I just… wanted to see what would happen. You were cute, you were not so subtly hitting on me so…" He opened his arms slightly and Luke sighed before stepping into them for a hug.  "We’re better friends now, right? We know more about each other. We could still hang out, as friends, couldn't we? I genuinely like having you around."

Luke grinned and nodded.  "I feel the same. Of course we could hang out. With Michael and Ashton if you want!"

Calum smiled, then said,  "You know, one of the reasons I told you the truth tonight is Ashton."

"What? Why?" Luke asked, confused.

"I just… I don't know. You two… you were so… I don't know how to explain this. I just thought that if I didn't you and you weren't my boyfriend, I would have assumed you were together."

"What?"

Luke’s cheek reddened.

"Yeah. You were making a perfect couple tonight."

"Oh my god is it true? Are we acting like a couple?"

"Totally"

"Because it's not true! We're best friends and I can't… Well I'm lucky you're not in love with me because I would have been a piece of shit to have behaved like I was in love with Ash in front of you."

"Well you are a piece of shit because I actually was your boyfriend even though I wasn't meant to be."

"I… I'm sorry, Calum, I didn't realize…"

Calum looked amused.  "Luke. I was kidding. That doesn't matter. I don't like you that way, remember? I just couldn't lie to you anymore, and tonight made me realize there was a chance you didn't like me either."

"I still don't get it."

"Because you're in love with Ashton, you dumbass!"

"I… No!"

"Are you serious?" Calum laughed.  "Tonight I wasn't even jealous of you two, I just wanted to tease you. Because you both have a huge crush on each other and that is painfully obvious, bro!"

"Did you really call me bro- Wait, did you say Ashton has a crush on me?"

"Why do you care if you're not in love with him?"

"I…"

Luke shut up. He was not in love with Ashton, was he? He loved him, for sure, he loved him to death, but…  "He's my best friend," he whispered.  "I can't… I mean I'm not allowed to… I can't have feelings for him, Calum…"

"What the fuck? Of course you can!" Calum exclaimed.  "You know what I think? You've been best friends with Ashton for so long you learnt everything about him. You know what makes him happy, what makes him smile, laugh, but also what makes him sad and makes him cry. You know how to comfort him, you know how to make him feel better. You know his favorite food, his favorite places, his favorite movies… And I know them too because you can't shut up about Ashton."

"I'm sorry…" Luke mumbled.

"It's okay, Luke," Calum said, hugging his friend.  "He surely does the same, when he talks to Michael, or with other friends, who knows. What I saw tonight is that you both have been loving each other so much as best friends for so long it was only natural for this to turn into a new kind of love, you know."

"But… That's impossible, Calum. I mean… Ok, maybe you're right, maybe I've been in love with Ash all along, but… he can't feel the same. He would have told me… he would have asked me out when I was looking for someone…"

"I don't know, Luke… I feel like he loves you a lot, and not only as a friend, because he kept looking sad tonight, because I was here. And I… I heard you when you were talking, earlier. When he struggled to tell you he loved you, and when he did, said you couldn't understand. This sounded a lot like an  ‘I'm in love with you but I can't tell you because you're oblivious and you have a boyfriend and I love you too much to hurt you by ruining your relationship’ I love you, to me."

"I…" 

Luke frowned, and thought hard. What was Calum saying? Could this… could this have been true? Luke wasn't sure about anything anymore. 

"I… that sounds really shitty of me but… yeah. Ashton is… I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I couldn't love you  the way you deserve to be loved, Calum."

"No, that's me. I thought it would work."

"Me too."

"So…"

"Yeah…"

"Do you wanna stay the night?"

"Can I? It's quite late, I wouldn't want to bother Ashton by coming home at this time."

"Of course you can. As a friend. Friends come over. We could have a sleepover!"

"Yeah, sleepover sounds good!" Luke laughed.  "Thanks, Cal."

"No problem, I told you I like you."

Luke nodded and smiled,  "I like you too."

– – – – –

"I can't, I can't… He's happy now, I… I would be a horrible person, and I…"

"Ashton, are you crying?"

Ashton’s head snapped back towards Luke and his teary eyes grew wide.  "Luke, you're here! I… You… No, of course I'm not crying. I'm just talking to my mum, I… Hum, bye mum, uhm, see you later."

Luke frowned because the face he had seen on the screen wasn't Ashton’s mum. It was Michael’s face.

"Ashton, I… "

"I'm gonna take a shower, see you in a few minutes, Luke. There is some breakfast left, just help yourself."

"But Ashton…"

"You can take everything, I already ate!"

Frustrated, Luke sat on the couch and took his phone, dealing Michael's number.

"Hello?"

"Michael! Tell me right now why was Ashton crying!"

"I… I don't know what you're talking about…."

"Mike stop lying, I saw your face on Ashton’s phone! Why is my best friend crying ?"

"I can't tell you…"

"Yes you can! Mike, let me know! I can't help him if I don't know what's happening."

"He wouldn’t want me to tell you, I'm sorry Luke. You'll have to ask him."

"But… Mikey, I'm begging you, I have to know, I… I heard what he said. Was he talking about me…? Michael, I assure you I need to know, I…"

"Luke, stop insisting, please, I…"

"Is Ashton mad at me?" Luke asked again, worried.  "Please, tell me he isn't, I couldn't stand it, I…  I hate when Ashton is mad at me, I… That hurts."

"Luke, Ash isn't mad at you, I promise. He is… upset about something, and he needs time. He…"

"Why is this about me? About me being happy? Is this about Calum? But he told me he liked him!"

Luke felt a spark of hope in him. If Ashton was upset about him being with Calum, maybe… maybe he was like… jealous or something! And if he was jealous, that meant… that maybe… he had feelings for Luke.

Maybe .

Because Luke has been loving Ashton for quite a while now, he had only realized it the night before with Calum, but… he was so, so sure of it… thanks to Calum.

"Ok Luke, I'm hanging up right now."

"Wait, Michael, no, I-"

Michael hung up and Luke groaned and lay on the couch, and put his head in his hands.  "Why does it have to happen to me? Why couldn't I realize it sooner?"

"Realize what?"

Luke immediately sat and turned his look to Ashton.  "Ash, I…"

"Did you spend the night at Calum’s?"

"Yeah, it was late when we stopped… talking. I didn't want to bother you by coming home in the middle of the night."

"You could have told me."

"I was… busy." Thinking about you, he thought.

"I see."

There was a silence, and Luke’s eyes grew wide when he realized what Ashton was thinking right now. 

"Did you…" Ashton started to ask.

"NO! No, oh my god, we didn't… I mean… Calum slept on the couch. We… kind of broke up yesterday."

Ashton blinked and Luke couldn't read his face. 

"You broke up," Ashton repeated.  "And you… you still spent the night there?"

"Oh yeah, it was…" Luke didn't know how to explain this to Ashton.  "Well I like Calum a lot but… I just never felt anything while kissing him, and it felt weird to me to call him my boyfriend and… He told me the same last night. We were both feeling the same thing without telling the other in order not to hurt each other’s feelings so…"

"So you were dating without any of you liking the other?"

Ashton seemed confused. Luke couldn't blame him.  "It's not that, because… we do like each other, I mean Calum is cool and nice and I love being around him but… I don't know. We’re just friends. This dating thing made us become closer, and we’re really good friends now, but… we just wouldn't work as a couple. We can't love each other."

"Why? I felt… I felt like you two were… perfect for each other."

"I thought so too, for a moment. But… Maybe he isn't the one," Luke said, his heart beating a bit fast, looking into Ashton’s eyes.

His best friend frowned and cleared his throat, before saying,  "You'll find them. The one. I'll help you."

"Thank you but… I'm not in a hurry anymore."

"What?"

"I mean… I've been looking for someone for years, I've been wanting to love, and to be loved, but… maybe I had him all along."

"What- Are you still in love with Mike?" Ashton asked, confused, becoming a bit paler.

"No,” Luke whispered. “I’ll never be in love with Mike. What I’m trying to say, Ashton..” 

He swallowed. It was suddenly so hard…

“Ashton, do you… Do you have feelings for me? Calum thinks you do.”

"Oh."

Ashton stared at him for a few seconds, blush on his cheek, then sat on the couch too and wrapped his arms around Luke, pulling him into a hug. Luke smelled his scent, and he really wanted to kiss him.

Luke’s heart started beating faster and he closed his eyes, melting into Ashton’s embrace.  "Because I love you Ashton," he burst out.

Ashton’s eyes widened and he looked at Luke, incredulously,  "No way."

"I do."

"But… How… why… I mean, when…?”

The honey blond looked up at him with questioning eyes. Luke took a deep breath and took Ashton’s hand in his. "I think I have for a long time now, but… Calum, last night… he said to me he had found us really couple-like, and… and I was confused and… he helped me see clearer and I… I’ve been so stupid, Ash…”

“Like…”

"I realized I want to kiss you so bad, Ashton, and… And I did love you in a non friendly way."

"Luke, I…"

"Listen, you're not forced to feel the same, but-"

"I do . I feel the same."

"For… for real?"

"Yeah. I love you. I believe I've always loved you. I… that was heartbreaking to see you with all these guys and girls, coming home sad and heartbroken, when I knew I could be the right person for you, but… I thought you weren't ready and… you know. This could have ruined everything."

"So you didn't tell me…"

"Yeah."

"So are we…"

"Well, do you want to be my boyfriend?"

"God yes. It's a big fucking yes!"

Ashton gazed at Luke and the blond’s mind was full of Ashton Ashton Ashton.

"I love you so damn much…" Luke said before putting his lips on Ashton’s.

"You took your time to stop being so blind," Ashton mumbled against Luke's lips, making Luke shiver at the vibration.

"Shut up."

"Depends. Are you gonna show me how much of a sex god you are if I do?"

"Oh my god," Luke gasped, breaking the kiss as a warm wave invaded his body. "I love you so much."

"And I, you," Ashton giggled as he pressed Luke's body against his. "I really do."