Archive of Our Own ^beta

The reason that Randy has so many father figures is because he doesn’t have a dad. (I know that Randy says “parents” at multiple points in the show, but he never actively says dad, only mom. With that I believe that either his dad died or left but due to force of habit he still sometimes says parents when referring to his mom.)

Randy’s mom is at work most of the time and isn’t a physically affectionate person, which caused Randy to be a very physically affectionate person to make up for it. His mom loves Randy but due to her trying to support them both financially her behavior borders on neglectful.

Randy’s mom not being home most of the time is what started Randy’s love for cooking. It started as just a way to stop himself from surviving only on fast food while his mom was at work to a genuine love for it. And since his mom is almost never home for dinner, he’s also in charge of the grocery list. (Randy learned from cooking shows and online tutorials)

Randy does care about his mom. It’s definitely a “I just wish you were there” type of relationship but besides that I think she’s trying her best.

Randy views strong mentor types as fathers because that’s what he thinks a father should be.

I feel like he would get his mentors gifts for Father’s Day.

First Ninja would get some cheap chocolates and one of those “#1 Teacher” balloons (Because Randy is dense and doesn’t even realize he views First Ninja as a dad).

The Nomicon would get a colorful pack of felt pens (Because what else to you get a magic book?).

And Giyuu would get some homemade mochi (recipe courtesy of Mitsuri; who Randy will meet once I write the Swordsman Village Arc)

(Zenitsu would get Giyuu something as well; probably a few flowers because he doesn’t know what to get the Hashira)

(Giyuu is super touched. He even presses Zenitsu’s flowers to display them for longer.) 

First Ninja: Bottling up negative emotions is bad for your health, so you shouldn't do it. 
Giyuu: I know, that's why I bottle up all my emotions, both positive and negative, so it cancels out. 
First Ninja: Th-that's not how that works- 

Randy, during the Mugen Train Arc: Oooh, a train! 
Giyuu: We’re in a train station, Randy 

First Ninja: *talking about Mac Antfree* Y'know, I once knew a man who said to me: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” He also had a pair of sideburns that would cause even Jude Law’s face to weep in forfeit. You put those lemons in a sack and beat your enemies with ‘em! And maybe if you beat ‘em hard enough the bag will split open and lemon juice will spray into their eyes, causing intense burning pains as you crush them into a citrus-y pulp! 
Randy: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Their heads or the lemons? 
First Ninja: Whatever caves first! 

Giyuu: *cooking* 
Randy: *kicks down door* 
Randy: *grabs knife from Giyuu's hand* 
Randy: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DESTRUCTIVE BEHAVIOR? 
Giyuu: 
Giyuu: What. 
Zenitsu: He’s trying to tell you he wants to cook. 

First Ninja: What did you get on your shirt? 
Randy: Rust. 
First Ninja: From what? 
Randy: Weapons. 
Giyuu: Time for more adult supervision.

Zenitsu: *chokes on something* 
Randy: Jeez, Zenitsu, don't die on us. 
Zenitsu: Don't tell me what to do, I'll die whenever the hell I want! 

Zenitsu: I’d like to live through a week that’s not a whole new verse of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” 

First Ninja: And if you have any suggestions, please put them in the suggestion box. 
Randy: That’s a trash can. 

First Ninja: *closes a cabinet* 
*a crash is heard behind the cabinet door* 
Giyuu: What was that? 
First Ninja: The sound of someone else's problem. 

Zenitsu: You use humor to deflect your trauma. 
Randy: Awww, thanks- 
Zenitsu: That’s not a good thing. 
Randy: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny. 

*Giyuu and First Ninja are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff* 
Giyuu: oh my god, First Ninja, backwards! 
First Ninja: Really, Giyuu? I thought I might go forwards into the river, I thought that would be a fun thing to do. 

Randy: If bees can be fish and boys can be girls, then why can't my dad love me? 
Zenitsu: I thought I was going to have to yell at you, but now I think I should hug you. 

Zenitsu: How are you today? 
Giyuu: Please don’t make me think about my life. 

Randy: Did you just call me a shrimp, you asshole?! I'm still growing, dammit! 

Randy: When I was a kid, Howard told me that the paper strip that’s in the chocolate kisses were edible and I ate them with the chocolate for a year. 
Zenitsu: They are! 
Randy: FOR REAL? 
Giyuu: No! Why did you fall for it again? 

Giyuu: Sorry it took so long to bail you out of jail. 
Zenitsu: No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have used my phone call to prank call the police station. 

Zenitsu: *sees someone doing something stupid* 
Zenitsu: What an idiot. 
Zenitsu: *realizes it's Randy* 
Zenitsu: Wait, that's MY idiot! 

First Ninja: Whose turn is it to give the pep-talk? 
Giyuu: *sighing* Zenitsu. 
Zenitsu: Fuck shit up out there, but don’t die. 
Randy: *wiping away a tear* So inspirational. 

First Ninja, reading a recipe: Beat three eggs? 
Giyuu, not seriously: It means like in hand-to-hand combat. 
First Ninja, completely seriously: Ohhhh- 
Randy, avid chef: Both of you get out of this kitchen. 

Giyuu, after finding out Zenitsu knows he’s the Ninja: Can you keep a secret? 
Zenitsu: Do you know anything about my life? 
Giyuu: No, I don't. Good point. 

Giyuu: Randy... 
Randy, a musician: Oh no, 'Randy' in B flat. 
Randy: You're disappointed. 

Randy: And what do I get out of this? 
Zenitsu: I will give you a dollar. 
Randy: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar! 
Zenitsu: How bout two dollars? 
Randy: You got yourself a deal. 

Randy: I haven’t slept in 72 hours… 
Zenitsu: I haven’t slept in 80. I’m the insomnia king! 
Giyuu: Ha! I haven’t slept in 90 hours, I’m aiming for an even 100. 
First Ninja: What the fuck is wrong with you people. 

Giyuu: My only talent is being stress. 
Randy: Don't you mean stressed? 
Giyuu: No. 

Zenitsu: I failed my safety training course today. 
Giyuu: Why, what happened? 
Zenitsu: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?" 
Giyuu: And? 
Zenitsu: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer. 

Zenitsu: If I die, my funeral will be the biggest party ever and you're all invited. 
Randy: "If" 
Giyuu: Great, the only party I'm ever invited to and they might not even die. 

Zenitsu: What's worse than a heartbreak? 
Randy: Stepping on a cat's tail and not being able to explain that you're sorry. 

Zenitsu: What type of dog is this? 
Randy: That’s a tortoise. 

Giyuu: We need a plan to beat them. 
Zenitsu: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food. 
Giyuu: 
Zenitsu: Judge me all you want, I get results. 

First Ninja: I didn’t want to do it, no one else wanted to do it, so I made Giyuu do it! 

Randy: Hey, Zenitsu? 
Zenitsu, playing a video game: What? 
Randy: Can I share something with you from earlier today? 
Zenitsu: Wh- what is it, Randy? 
Randy: Well, I sent you a text early in the morning. 
Zenitsu: Mhm. 
Randy: Because I have to go out of town for a weekend this month. And, so I was like- I won't give specific dates, but I was like, do you have any preference whether I go this weekend or the next weekend? 
Zenitsu: Yeah? 
Randy: Your response. 
Zenitsu: *trying not to crack up* 
Randy: At 9:30 in the morning. 
Randy: "motherfucking Jesse Eisenberg jesus Christ motherfucking Facebook movie jesus can you believe this shit" 
Zenitsu: *laughing* 
Randy: No- no- no punctuation. Random capitalization. 
Zenitsu: You just made me dieeee... 
Randy: So I respond, "I have no idea what we're talking about right now." 
Randy: 45 minutes pass. I get a text from you. 
Randy: "goddamn created Facebook and fucking lawyers and shit right fucking winklevoss twins goddamn rowing the boat fuck yo shit i cant even fucking believe this shit have you seen this shit fuck I just watched this shit fuck Jesse eisenberg man" 
Zenitsu: *wheezing with laughter* 
Randy: I respond "Zenitsu, you're scaring me." An hour passes- 
Randy: You respond, "motherfucking spiderman Spiderman you put in the time fuck put in the time motherfucking built shit with his bare hands fucking best friend shit jesse eisenberg" 
Randy: "im very tired" 
Zenitsu: *struggling to breathe* 
Randy: And- and I'm just like, "No- no worries, Zenitsu, I'll- I'll do most of the talking at the hangout today-" 
Randy: IMMEDIATE, like, response, like I'm talking 5 seconds later, 
Randy: "no man ill just talk all day shit man you have to be so interested in the shit I have to say about the Facebook movie fuck dude I just watched it a year and a half ago fuck Jesse Eisenberg man he fucked over Spider-man crazy Winklevoss twins rowing Trent Resin or did the soundtrack fuck this guy who invented Facebook I don't like dying I can't think of who the fuck invented Facebook All I can think is who played the guy who invented Facebook who the fuck invented Facebook" 
Randy: And then, in all capital letters, two hours later, 
Zenitsu: *falling over with laughter* 
Randy: "MARK ZUCKERBERG." 

Zenitsu: Are you sure this is safe? 
Randy: Safer than Flintstone vitamin gummies in a bottle. 
Randy: Keep twisting, junior! All you’re gonna get is clicks. 

Randy, forced to buy a card for his birth father: *looking at Father's Day cards at Hallmark* 
Randy: Excuse me, do you have any that just say "You are my dad?" 
Associate: Well, I- 
Randy: How about "You banged my mom?" 
Associate: No... 
Randy: You know what, I'll just get a blank one. 
Randy: *writes* You are a father. This is a day. Here is a card. 

Randy: Fellas, I gotta know for science. Is the opposite of red green or blue? 
Zenitsu: Technically a mix of green and blue? 
Randy: So blurple. 
Zenitsu: That's implying you're mixing blue and purple. 
Randy: Would you rather have fucking bleen? MOTHERFUCKING GRUE? 
Zenitsu: You were confusing before but now I'm scared. 

*Are about to do something dangerous* 
Giyuu: Shouldn’t someone give a pep talk? 
Zenitsu: Go ahead. 
Giyuu: Be careful. 
Giyuu: Don’t die. 
Randy: *Holds back a laugh* 
Zenitsu: Great. We’re all bloody inspired. 

Zenitsu, lying: Not to brag, but I can go into the Spirit Halloween without crying. 

Zenitsu: Randy! Giyuu got that thing on the control panel working! 
Randy: Wow! That looks pretty impressive. 
Zenitsu: Yeah! 
Randy “From the Future” Cunningham: Any idea what it does? 
Zenitsu: Not a clue. 

First Ninja: You know, sometimes I really think I can be too straight. 
Randy, covered in pan merch and sipping an iced coffee: Sucks to be you. 

Randy: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Zen! 
Zenitsu: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this. 

Zenitsu: Wanna get out of here and grab a bite to eat. 
First Ninja: I don’t usually eat with losers. 
Zenitsu, respectless: Neither do I but I asked you, didn’t I? 

Randy: Good morning! 
First Ninja: Bold statement. 

Zenitsu: Being half asleep and feeling someone gently plant a kiss on your forehead is one of the purest kinds of love in the world. 
Giyuu: Unless you're home alone. 

Zenitsu, grinning: Before you were what? 
First Ninja: Before I was- 
Zenitsu: What? 
First Ninja: Before I was inter- 
Zenitsu: Before you were interrupted? 
First Ninja: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll- 
Zenitsu: What? 
First Ninja: *makes frustrated sound* 
Randy, nervously: Stop that. Before he hurts you. 

Zenitsu: Why are you doing this? 
Randy: Same reason I do everything, Zen. To get somebody to like me. 

First Ninja: Remember! Curiosity killed the cat! 
Zenitsu: Yes, but you forget that satisfaction brought it back. So yes, Randy, go find out if that thing can catch fire! 
First Ninja: You're a bad influence. 
Zenitsu: And you don't know your sayings. 

Randy: I am an expert at identifying birds. 
Giyuu: Okay, what about those ones flying over there? 
Randy: Yeah, they're all birds. 

Randy: *sneaking in through their window* 
First Ninja: *turning in his chair and flicking the light on* You want to tell me where you've been all night? 
Randy: I was with Giyuu? 
Giyuu: *turning in his chair* Wanna try again? 

Giyuu: You have friends and I envy that. 
Zenitsu: You're welcome to share my friends. 
Giyuu: *looks at Inosuke trying to fight a train* 
Giyuu: I don't want those. 

Randy: So what, now I’m just supposed to do everything that First does? What if he jumps off a cliff? 
Giyuu: If First Ninja were to jump off a cliff, he would have done his due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry. So yes, if you see First Ninja jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. 
Randy: You jump off a cliff. 
Giyuu: Gladly, provided First Ninja did first. 

Zenitsu: I dare you- 
Giyuu: Randy is not allowed to accept dares anymore. 
Zenitsu: Why not? 
Randy: "I have no regard for my own or others personal safety", as some would say. 

Zenitsu: I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don't hear me enter rooms. So when they turn around, I'm just kind of there and their fear fuels me. 

Giyuu: I think it’s time I get my life in order. 
Zenitsu, narrating: But he did not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk last night and fought a raccoon. 

Randy: You know, Zen, when you generalize, you tell general... lies. 
Zenitsu: ... 
Zenitsu: Are you trying to teach me moral lessons through puns. 

Zenitsu: Hostage or not, sometimes it’s nice being held.
Randy: Are you okay...?

Randy: *About to do something incredibly stupid*
Zenitsu: I know I can't stop you, but I won't let you go by yourself.

Zenitsu: Giyuu isn’t answering my messages.
Randy:  Allow me.
Zenitsu:  I tried 6 times, what makes you thi-
Giyuu: *replying to message* Hello.

Giyuu: Hello First Ninja, made anyone cry today?
First Ninja:  Sadly, no. But it’s only 4:30.

Randy: Hey Zenitsu, do you have any hobbies?
Zenitsu:  Swimming..
Randy:  Really? That’s cool. I never expected you to-
Zenitsu: In a pool of self hatred and regret.

Giyuu: What’s the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite?
Zenitsu: “Stalagmite” has an “m” in it.

Zenitsu: You know, there’s something weird going on with your face?
Giyuu:  What?
Zenitsu: You’re smiling! I didn’t know you could do that?

Randy: Wow, did you hear that voice crack?
Zenitsu: That wasn't a voice crack, that was a whole voice meth.

Randy: I made this friendship bracelet for you.
Giyuu:  You know, I’m not really a jewelry person.
Randy:  You don’t have to wear…
Giyuu: No, I’m gonna wear it forever. Back off.

First Ninja: What is love?
Zenitsu:  An emotional minefield.
Giyuu:  A neurochemical reaction.
Randy: Baby don't hurt me.

Zenitsu: *plays shreksophone*
Zenitsu:  Woo.
Zenitsu:  Time to listen to this on loop for all eternity.
Giyuu: ...Genius coping mechanism my friend

Zenitsu, texting Randy: Randy there’s a moth on the outside of the bathroom door can you get rid of it?
Zenitsu:  Pls hurry because I’m going to cry
Zenitsu:  Randy
Zenitsu:  Randy
Randy: Randy is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth.

Giyuu: As a responsible adult-
Zenitsu:  *chuckles*
Giyuu: … As a responsible adult—

Giyuu, sparing: You wanna fight?! You got one!
Randy:  Okay! *raises fists*
*First Ninja runs in, scoops Randy up in their arms, and runs away carrying him*
Giyuu:
Giyuu: ...what?

Randy: I reserve the right to judge a movie based on when it was made, thank you very much.
Giyuu:  You consider anything made before 2000 old and bad.
Randy:  And I reserve that right! After all....
Randy:  I bet you wouldn’t like the average movie made in 1879!
Giyuu:  There were no movies made in 1879.
Randy:  *slams table* WRONG! There was ONE movie made in 1879! The first movie! A zoopraxioscope of a horse galloping!
Zenitsu: Oooh! Let’s go ask First Ninja if he saw it in theatres!

Zenitsu: I’ve become a bread crumb dealer to four crows at the lake. They pay me with a bit of everything. Like shiny things, fabric, or pens. But recently they paid me with a 20 dollar bill they found somewhere. So I decided to buy them some more expensive bread. They loved it. So they understand what to do. Give me money. I’ve probably racked up about 200 dollars at this point. Is it morally wrong though, I mean. They’re the ones who steal the money from others. Or perhaps they just have a big pile laying somewhere. Should I keep on doing this?
Randy: You sound like the start of a Batman villain.

Randy: honk.
Zenitsu:  WHAT.
Randy:  HONK.
Zenitsu: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????

Giyuu: Zenitsu, Randy, I’ve left a letter telling your guardians not to worry—
Zenitsu:  They won’t.
Giyuu:  That you’re safe—
Zenitsu:  That’ll just depress them.
Giyuu:  —and you’ll see them in a few weeks.
Randy: Do we have to?

Zenitsu: When I said bring me something back from the beach I meant like a conch shell!
Randy: *Struggling to hold a seagull* Fucking say that next time!

Zenitsu: The last time I went to an urgent care clinic, I checked off 'excessive crying' on the symptom list, and then the nurse got really confused and said that was meant for babies.

Randy: Oh, here’s my award for the most rules broken! 
Giyuu:  That’s not an award, it’s an angry letter from the Nomicon. 
Randy, hanging it on the wall: Well, it has the word ‘most’ in it, so I’m calling it an award!

Giyuu: *shatters a window and climbs through it* 
Giyuu:  *turns around and helps Randy through it* Breaking and entering is wrong Randy. 
Randy: Okay.

Zenitsu: We’ll find another route, it’s not safe for amateur adventurers. 
Randy:  That sounds like a challenge. 
Zenitsu:  I have to stress, that is not a challenge. 
Randy:  ...Is exactly what you say to dissuade the weak of heart from accepting the challenge. Well, challenge accepted! 
Zenitsu: There is no challenge! 

Giyuu:  Randy just insisted Zenitsu and I remember a code word in case we’re ever confronted by his clone or a cyborg doppelgänger and we’re not sure which is the real him and which is the imposter. 
Giyuu:  Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

Randy:  The fastest way to a Zenitsu ’s heart is through ch- 
Giyuu:  Chest cavity. 
Randy: 
Randy:  Cheese.

Randy:  I wouldn’t put it in those words exactly.
First Ninja:  Why not? 
Randy:  Because I don't know what they mean.

Giyuu:  Is… Is that meant to be on fire? 
Randy:  No… not really. 
Giyuu:  Are you going to do something about it? 
Randy:  Hm… nah.

Zenitsu:  When life gives you lemons, don't make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don't want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life's manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Agatsuma Zenitsu lemons! Do you know who I am? I'm the person who's gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I'm gonna get my Ninja friends to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!

Randy, washing the dishes:  Who the fuck used this pan?? 
Randy:  Wait. I the fuck used this pan… 
Zenitsu:  It was you the fuck. 
Randy:  It was I the fuck… 
Giyuu:  Who cooks rice in a pan? 
Zenitsu:  He the fuck.

Randy, tearing up the room:  Where are they? 
Randy, looking under a pillow:  Who moved them? Who moved my children? 
Randy:  Somebody moved my M&M's, and now I am going to start killing.

Zenitsu:  If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it. 
Zenitsu:  If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.

Randy:  What the fuck? People actually tell their crushes they like them?? 
Zenitsu:  What the hell do you do? 
Randy:  I die? What kinda question...

Giyuu:  What's this? 
Randy, hugging Giyuu:  Affection! 
Giyuu:  Disgusting. 
Giyuu:  ...Do it again.

Giyuu:  What do you do for a living? 
Zenitsu:  I exist against my will.

Randy:  I mean, sure, I have my bad days, but then I remember what a cute smile I have.

First Ninja, sitting in the Water Estate:  *Talking to Zenitsu * Oh, hi. I didn't see you there. Welcome to my abode. I'm glad you could join me. 
Giyuu:  But this is my abode. 
First Ninja:  ... 
First Ninja:  Welcome to my abode, I'm so happy to have you, guest. 

Randy:  *Gasp* 
Zenitsu:  What?? 
Randy:  What if soy milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish? 
Zenitsu:  *inhales* 
Giyuu, in another room with First Ninja:  Why can I hear screeching?

First Ninja, first time meeting Zenitsu:  I need you to come meet me, and I need you to come alone. 
Zenitsu:  And I need you to be less vague and weird.

Zenitsu:  That’s the longest worm I’ve ever seen. 
Randy: That’s a snake.

First Ninja:  I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night. 
Giyuu:  All I drank was Redbull! 
First Ninja:  How many? 
Giyuu:  Eighteen.

Randy:  How has life been treating you lately? 
Zenitsu: Horribly.

First Ninja:  Ladies, gentlemen and Zenitsu , I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld! 
Randy:  A llama? 
First Ninja:  No. 
Randy:  A baby llama? 
First Ninja:  No! 
Randy:  A baby llama with a little hat on? 
First Ninja:  NO!

Randy, trying to comfort Giyuu:  What's the problem? Anxiety? Low self-esteem? Obsessive thoughts of random arson? I've been there.

Randy:  It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

Zenitsu:  I love cooking breakfast. It makes the whole house smell like bacon.
Randy:  That’s true, but it also smells like fire and panic.
Zenitsu:  You and the smoke detector need to get off my case. 

Randy: Good. Thanks, dad.
Zenitsu:  You just called Giyuu “dad”. You just said “thanks, dad.”
Randy:  What? No, I didn’t. I said “thanks, man”.
Giyuu:  Do you see me as a father figure, Randy?
Randy: No. If anything I see you as a bother figure ‘cause you’re always bothering me.
Zenitsu: Hey! Show your father some respect!

Randy: Please! Pretend I'm useful!

Zenitsu: I love making parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here.”

Randy: Guys, I have a question.
Zenitsu:  kys <3
Randy:  I love you too.
Giyuu: Ah, yes. Siblings.

Randy: Well, needless to say. Uh-oh Spaghetti-os.

Zenitsu: Dammit, you ruin everything!
Randy: You're welcome.

Zenitsu: What? I'm not aggressive!
Randy:  Last Tuesday, you wacked me with a pair of crocs and stole my chocolate chips?
Zenitsu: Survival of the fittest, bitch.

Randy: Hey Zenitsu?
Zenitsu:  Yeah?
Randy:  What's your favorite color of the alphabet? True or false?
Zenitsu:
Zenitsu: ...What.

Giyuu, digging: Long story short, this is my grave.......Want me to make you one too?

Randy, holding up his class notes: And then this doodle of a burrito because when I first read Aristotle, I thought it was pronounced like “Chipotle”.
Randy, in shock: Wait a minute, is it “Chip-o-tottle”?

Randy: Are you having another depressive episode?
Giyuu:  A depressive episode?
Giyuu: I'm having a depressive series and we're just on season one.

Randy: How many vampires do you think have been hit by a car backing up in a parking lot because the driver couldn’t see their reflection?
First Ninja: I’ve never considered it but you’re really shining light on what’s probably a very serious issue.

Zenitsu: Randy learned how to fold origami penguins from Giyuu the other day. I told him, “I feel a little bad for the penguins, it’s hot here”, and the next day he put them in the fridge.

Giyuu: What time is it?
Randy:  I don’t know, pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out
Randy:  *BLASTS the saxophone*
Zenitsu:  WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXAPHONE AT TWO IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randy:  It’s 2 am

Giyuu: Seriously, Zenitsu, how many people would you have killed if we’d asked you to?
Zenitsu:  That’s not important
Giyuu: I DISAGREE.

Randy: I know where you live.
Zenitsu:  Where?
Randy: In a house.

Zenitsu: I have lots of friends!
Randy:  Name one.
Zenitsu:  Well, there’s-
Randy:  Name one you haven’t gotten incredibly angry at.
Zenitsu: Hey, that’s not fair, then there isn’t any!

Zenitsu, shooing Giyuu away: Can you go be depressed over there? You’re bumming out my whole area.

*In a horror movie situation*
Randy:  I've got no service in my phone here.
Giyuu:  Shoot, my battery just died.
Zenitsu:  Sorry guys, I just broke my phone with a hammer.
First Ninja, talking about the Nomicon: Guys, my phone is a book.

Randy: I can't believe there's a cat somewhere in my house. Amazing feeling. Love cats. And he's here, in my house! Somewhere! And I may encounter him! What a treat.

Randy: Hey, wanna hear a funny joke?
Giyuu:  I only like dark humor.
Randy, turning the lights off:  What do you call a fake noodle?
Giyuu:
Randy: An IMPASTA!

Zenitsu: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think.

Zenitsu: You're ignoring all your problems.
Giyuu:  I know.
Zenitsu:  You also know it's an unhealthy coping mechanism?
Giyuu:  I'm ignoring that fact as well.
Zenitsu:

Giyuu: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.
Randy:  You and me!
Giyuu: *tearing up* Ok. 

Hairdresser: How would you like your hair cut?
Randy: Preferably with scissors, but a sword could be badass.

Zenitsu: The odds of this happening by coincidence are vanishingly small.
Giyuu:  I would say infinitesimally.
Randy: And I'd say teenily-weenily. We all know words.

Zenitsu: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*
Randy: *standing on the roof* Bless you.
Zenitsu: God?!

Zenitsu: Randy, I am questioning your sanity...
Giyuu: I never questioned it, I knew his sanity was missing from the start.

Giyuu: I thought I told you to stop reading my emails.
First Ninja: Well, I thought I told you to stop keeping secrets!

Randy: Three of the four elements are represented as types of hockey. Air hockey, ice hockey, and field hockey. Fire hockey needs to be a thing.
Giyuu:  Fire hockey absolutely does NOT need to be a thing.
Zenitsu: Do you care NOTHING for the balance of the four elements?!

Zenitsu: Where have you been all day?
Randy: Oh, just dealing with things way beyond my maturity level.

Randy: Did you study for the marine biology test?
Zenitsu: Of course I did! Listen: fish are remarkably well adapted to water. What’s more, they can swim.
Randy: You are so lame.

Randy: I like to play this game called nap roulette. I take a nap and don’t set an alarm. Will it be 20 min or 4 hours? Nobody knows. It’s risky and I like it.

Randy: I saw you fall, saw the sinners lay on your corpses...
Zenitsu:  Hey, what’s up with Randy?
Randy: I created you, made the pieces perfect, others marveled at your beauty… their gazes may have held envy, though, for none are perfect but you. I was only looking away for a moment, but you were gone. I had failed you. And I fell into despair. The only way to save myself was to create, but I knew… this time I knew I was only making you to die. And I apologize. For I will undoubtedly fail you again. For a short time, there will be peace and beauty, but none in the face of us shall lay undisturbed. The greatest have fallen, and will continue to fall, and I weep for you for being born unto this place, where brother eats brother, and the undeserving rise to fame. Those that have gone against you know they’ve wronged you, and they will stand before the creator, knowing they have sinned. Do not worry, little ones, you will be avenged.
Giyuu:  ...He made some rock towers and went somewhere else for twenty minutes and when he came back the rock towers were destroyed and people were sitting where the towers once were, so he was sad and made more rock towers.
Giyuu, to Randy:  Hey, who even is the creator? I thought you were an atheist!
Randy: SHUT THE HELL UP, GIYUU! I’M TRYING TO BE DRAMATIC AND MYSTERIOUS!

Zenitsu: This is a bad idea.
Randy:  Then why are you coming along?
Zenitsu: Someone has to get your injured ass home.

Randy: Some of us are still ‘it’ from a childhood game of tag.
Zenitsu: Way to just fuck me up on a Tuesday.

First Ninja: There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand.
Randy: I photosynthesize with this.

First Ninja: You know, on second thought, Gum would be perfection.
Zenitsu: *Gives him a strange look and hands him a piece of gum*
First Ninja: *Thinking* Gum would be perfection. Gum would be perfection. I could have said gum would be nice, could have said I'll have a stick. But no no no no no, for me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.

Zenitsu: "I lost a bet."
Zenitsu:  The second-most ominous phrase in existence.
Giyuu:  What's the first?
Zenitsu: "Let's make a bet."

Zenitsu: Hey, what’s the name of the guy who lives down the hall?
Randy:  His cats' names are Walter and Rose.
Zenitsu:  That's not what I asked.
Randy: That is all the information I have.

Zenitsu: If I die, you can have what little I own.
Randy: Wait. What do you mean "if" you die?
Zenitsu:  My unending existence is fueled by pure spite, that of which the painful experiences of life have rendered me full.
Randy:
Randy: *Sighs* Let me call your therapist again.

Zenitsu: Giyuu’s gonna kill me.
Randy: No, he'll probably make me do it.

First Ninja: This is ridiculous!
Randy: Hey, someone’s gotta be the jester for the court.

Zenitsu: “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy” I would. Pussy.
Zenitsu:  “I’m not gonna sink to their level” I will. Coward.
Zenitsu: “I’m the bigger person” I’m 150cm tall give me the gun bitch.

Giyuu: Guys it’s a shooting star, let’s make a wish!
Zenitsu:  I wish for good grades.
Randy:  Nerd.
Zenitsu:  Nevermind, I wish upon the shooting star to fall down at a 30° velocity aiming for Randy. :)
Giyuu: Zenitsu…

Giyuu: Who knew getting in trouble would be so impossible?
First Ninja:  I gotta give you credit, Randy. You make it look easy.
Randy: Years of practice.

Randy:  Never gonna make you cry!
Giyuu:  Never gonna say goodbye!
Randy:  Never gonna tell a lie—
First Ninja: I will hurt you. 

Randy: Then either Sonic is a god or could kill god, and I do not care if there is a difference.

First Ninja, texting: Giyuu, will you please go to sleep?
Giyuu, texting back:  What makes you think you didn’t just wake me up?
First Ninja, yelling:  I CAN HEAR YOU CLAPPING TO THE FRIENDS THEME EVERY TWENTY MINUTES SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP!
First Ninja, texting:  Just a hunch :) You goin’ to sleep soon?
Giyuu, texting:  I’m trying
First Ninja, yelling again:  TRY HARDER I HAVE A 5:45 AM MEETING TOMORROW BITCH
First Ninja, texting: Okay, don’t stay up too late or you’ll be cranky 😊

Randy: *Turns on the kitchen light*
Giyuu:  *Sitting at the table, eating bread*
Randy:  It’s four in the morning.
Giyuu: Turn the light back off.

Zenitsu: I have a 1:30 appointment.
Giyuu:  Which doctor?
Zenitsu: No, I want the regular doctor.

Randy: What's wrong with you?
Zenitsu: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

Zenitsu: The saying “it is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission” no longer applies to Randy.

*Giyuu teaching Zenitsu to drive and taking Randy along for the ride*
Giyuu:  That's a pothole. To the left!
Zenitsu:  Take it back now y'all *Drives into pothole*
Randy, sticking their face into the front over the center console:  Cha Cha real smooth.
Zenitsu:  I don't think that's how the song goes.
Giyuu, crying and gripping the handle:  Please just take me home.
Zenitsu:  Country Roads.
Randy:  To the place.
Zenitsu and Randy in unison:  I Belong!
Giyuu, crying harder: What the fuck?

Randy: I'm going to take a shower, I'll be right back.
Zenitsu:  Why are you telling me this, I don't care.
Zenitsu, right after Randy leaves the room: I miss him already.

Zenitsu: I have so much energy, I want to run a marathon or commit a crime... which should I do?
Giyuu:  Please don’t get arrested.
Zenitsu:  No promises! <3
Randy:  Why not both? Get creative!
Zenitsu:  Wonderful suggestion, thank you.
Giyuu: Please don’t encourage him, Randy.

Giyuu, trying to warn about the location of an enemy: To the left!
Randy: Take it back now y'all!

Randy: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free: pouring river water in your socks!
Zenitsu:  Why would I do that?
Randy: It’s quick, it’s easy, and it’s free!

Zenitsu: *walks into the kitchen, ignoring everyone*
Giyuu:  Hey, Zenitsu, how was your day?
Zenitsu:  *picks up an onion and bites into it, staring at Giyuu* Hell.
Randy, watching this unfold: *whispers* Who hurt you?

Giyuu: I don't want to tell you to clean your room again!
Randy:  ...but you will, right?
Giyuu: Oh, for sure.

Giyuu: How petty can you get?
Zenitsu: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

Giyuu: You made enough pasta that you could take it to lunch tomorrow. Put it in a container.
Randy: Shovel the pasta into your face. Do it. Put it in your face. The future is meaningless but the pasta is now.

Giyuu: Why do you think I don’t like you? I do. I would kill for you.
Giyuu:  Ask me to kill for you.
Zenitsu: ...First of all, calm down-

Randy: May luck (and this picture of Zenitsu eating shredded cheese at 3 in the morning) be with you.

Zenitsu: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT!
Randy:  At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone.
Zenitsu:  Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch?
Randy: Somehow that's worse.

First Ninja: I’m having salad for dinner!
Randy:
First Ninja:  Well, fruit salad.
First Ninja:  Actually, it’s mostly grapes.
Randy:
First Ninja:  Okay, it’s all grapes.
First Ninja:  Fermented grapes.
Randy:
First Ninja:
Randy:
First Ninja:  It’s wine.
First Ninja: I’m having wine for dinner.

Zenitsu: COMPANY IS COMING! I WANT THIS PLACE LOOKING LIKE DISNEY ON ICE IN ONE MINUTE!
Zenitsu:  RANDY IF YOU HAVEN'T MADE YOUR BED THROW IT AWAY IT'S TOO LATE TO MAKE IT NOW!
Zenitsu:  GET RID OF THE COUCHES, WE CAN'T LET PEOPLE KNOW WE  S I T !

Giyuu: Why aren’t you sleeping?
Zenitsu:  I’m too busy plotting your murder to sleep, Giyuu.
Giyuu:
Zenitsu:  ...The nightmares.
Giyuu: *wrapping their arms around Zenitsu* Awwww, sweetie-

Giyuu: It’s too early in the morning for this.
*sent at 11:57 AM*

Giyuu: Hey, Zenitsu? I need advice.
Zenitsu: I’m pretty useless at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment instead?

Zenitsu, looking at a dead phone: How do we bring this thing back to life? Magic? Live sacrifice? I know a guy in town-

Randy: WHO THE FUCK-
Zenitsu:  Whoa, language!
Randy:  I speak fucking English!
Zenitsu: ...

Giyuu: I’m so tired.
Randy:  Did you get to bed late?
Giyuu:  No.
Randy:  Did you do something strenuous?
Giyuu:  No.
Randy:  Then why are you tired?
Giyuu:  I’m alive.
Randy: Sounds exhausting.

Giyuu: Do you know the ABCs of first aid?
Randy: A. Bone. Coming out of the skin is very bad.

Randy: CHARACTER. FLAWS. ARE. FUCKING. IMPORTANT.
Zenitsu: Me when someone tells me to stop eating mayo packets like they’re gogurt tubes.

Giyuu: How do you want your coffee?
Zenitsu:  Black, like my soul.
Giyuu:
Giyuu: Zenitsu, your soul is a latte.

Zenitsu: At first I thought you were foolish and incompetent.
Giyuu: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. It was an honest mistake, I swear. 

Zenitsu, after getting a library card: Now I know what true power feels like.

Giyuu: I'm having problems with a guy...
First Ninja: Like his dead body won't fit into your trunk kind of problems, or you like him kind of problems?

Giyuu: Are you good?
Zenitsu:  In what sense?
Giyuu:  Generally.
Zenitsu: Oh, definitely not.

Zenitsu: As your best friend—
Randy:  Howard is my best friend.
Zenitsu, holding a knife: As your best friend—

Zenitsu: This should be illegal!
Giyuu: It is.

Zenitsu: Do you ever feel like exploding? Have you experienced the urge to enter the process of combustion? Has your mind created a logical idea, known as thought, to disperse your body into thousands of particles suddenly?
Giyuu:  It’s 3 am, please go back to sleep.

Randy, poisoned during the Entertainment District Arc: What am I supposed to do?
Nomicon, in his head:  If I were you? I’d try and make peace with whatever deity, pantheon, or Divine Other you believe in.
Randy:  I’m an atheist.
Nomicon: Then just get ready to die I guess.

Randy: I just got the best idea I've ever had in my entire life!
*Later*
Zenitsu, to Randy: That was the worst idea you’ve ever had in your entire life.

Giyuu: How do you tell someone their breath stinks?
Randy: Hey, I'm bored, let's drink mouthwash.

First Ninja: Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Randy:  *sighs* That’s true…
Randy: But to negatives make a positive!!!

First Ninja: Randy... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Randy:  The Nomicon told me to satanize the house before you returned.
First Ninja:
First Ninja: It wrote sanitize, Randy.

First Ninja: You seem familiar... have I threatened you before?

Zenitsu: I refuse to apologize for being weird or off-putting. That’s actually your problem. I’m having a fantastic time!

Zenitsu: I’m sad.
Randy:  Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das.
Randy: And das not good.

Randy: What's your greatest fear?
Zenitsu:  Being forgotten.
Randy:  ...
Randy:  Damn, that's deep.
Randy: Mine is the Kool Aid man, but I feel kinda stupid about it now...

Zenitsu: Sometimes I get so caught up on being gay that I forget I’m actually bi.

First Ninja: Whatever happened to the concept of less is more?
Randy: But if less is more, then just think of how much more 'more' will be!

Randy: Every zoo is a petting zoo unless you’re a coward.
Giyuu: I’m worried about you.

Zenitsu, after watching Randy get shot by someone: You’re dead. You are very dead. When you are a corpse I will hack away at your flesh and eat you raw.
Randy:  Zenitsu, I’m not dead yet.
Zenitsu:  Let me have my moment of rage to avenge you.
Randy: I’d prefer it if you didn’t let me die.

Zenitsu: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes...
Zenitsu:  ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps.
Giyuu:  ...That took an unexpected turn.
Randy: So did their neck.

Zenitsu: I think we should have glow stick juice injected in our bones when we're born, so if we break our bones, we get a fun little surprise.
Randy:  What's the surprise?
Giyuu: Blood poisoning.

Randy: Just trust your gut!
Zenitsu: Babe, I have anxiety. My gut is literally always telling me to abort mission.

Zenitsu: Here you go, Randy, a nice hot cup of coffee!
Randy:  It's cold.
Zenitsu:  A nice cup of coffee.
Randy:  It's horrible!
Zenitsu:  Cup of coffee.
Randy:  I'm not sure if this even IS coffee.
Zenitsu: C U P.

Randy: Who the fuck-
Giyuu:  Language!
Randy:  Whom the fuck-
Giyuu: No.

Randy, in the Ninja suit: *gets set on fire and screams in agony*
Randy, switching to the Tengu suit: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.

Giyuu: Oh, they left the bowl out?
Giyuu:  It says, “Take two pieces of candy.”
Zenitsu:  Nobody around though…
*Zenitsu grabs the entire bowl and runs off with it*
Giyuu: NO— 

Randy, first time meeting Giyuu: Count me in!
Giyuu:  Who the hell are you?!
Randy:  Oh, you know my dad! He worked at Wendy's.
Giyuu:  Oh yeah, First Ninja! How is he doing?
Randy:  Oh yeah, not too good. He’s been dead for the past month.
Zenitsu, popping up out of nowhere: What the hell, he didn't tell us!

Randy: If you water water, it grows.
Giyuu:  ...What.
Zenitsu: He’s got a point.

Zenitsu: I’m genuinely surprised you haven’t gotten arrested, let alone gotten a felony yet.
Randy:  Nat 20 Charisma.
Zenitsu: That is NOT how that works-

Zenitsu: You disgust me.
Randy: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care.

Randy: What do you want for breakfast, Giyuu?
Giyuu:  Gay Cheerios.
Randy: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING FRUIT LOOPS THAT!!

Zenitsu: Do you guys want to see a butterfly?
Randy:  Ooh, yes please!
Giyuu, with their laptop open:  I'm not going to stop working to look at a stupid bug!
Zenitsu:  It's not a bug though...
Giyuu:  ...
Randy:  ...
Giyuu:  Well I still don't want to see.
Randy, realizing:  Please don't throw-
Zenitsu: Whee! *throws a stick of butter*

Zenitsu: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Giyuu.
Giyuu:  I hate myself.
Zenitsu: Alright, square up.

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
Zenitsu: No.

Randy: Have you done this before?
Giyuu:  Well, Randy, it's like if you read the script you come better prepared.
Zenitsu:  That's not what we do in the US, we don't read things.
Randy: I don't read, Giyuu.

Giyuu: I apologize for saying 'fuck' in front of Randy.
First Ninja:  You just said it again.
Randy:
Giyuu: I am not a role model.

Giyuu: Come on, you need to go to bed.
Zenitsu:  Mr. Snuffles says that I can stay up as long as I want. And that you need to die!
Giyuu:  …
Giyuu: What the hell, Mr. Snuffles—

Randy: Hey, I say we go down there, kick Zenitsu’s door in, and let him know that we’re in town.
Giyuu:  That ain’t the way we do things here. We may have to go in there and run a con, drop a bug, do the smooth talking.
Randy:  Okay, you come with me, you do the smooth talking, let’s go.
Giyuu:  No, we just can’t go in there and kick down Zenitsu’s door. We need a plan.
Randy:  Well who makes the plans?
Giyuu:  First Ninja.
Randy:  First Ninja, what's the plan?
First Ninja: You guys are gonna go down there, kick Zenitsu’s door in, let him know you’re in town.

Kidnapper: I have one of your friends.
Zenitsu:  Which one? I have seven.
Kidnapper:  The loud, annoying, rowdy one who never shuts up.
Zenitsu:  Which one? I have seven.
Randy, distantly: HEY!!!

Randy: You look really stressed.
Zenitsu: Haha, it’s the stress.

Giyuu: You borrowed a crane?
Randy:  Not exactly.
Zenitsu:  You stole a crane?!
Randy: Exactly.

Zenitsu: But seriously, what is the real plan here that has to do with not fucking around?
Giyuu: There is no plan that does not involve fucking around. But we will make sure all of our fucking around will be applied in a constructive direction.

Zenitsu: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life.
Giyuu:  Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?
Zenitsu:  Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.
Randy: Edible.

Randy: I made lightly fried fish fillets for dinner.
Zenitsu:  Randy, It’s 1:15 am, what the fuck.
Randy:  Do you want the lightly fried fish fillets or not.
Zenitsu:  Well, I mean yeah.
Randy:  So come downstairs while they’re still hot.
Zenitsu:  Wait, you just made them?
Randy:  Yeah, I wasn’t tired so I decided to make lightly fried fish fillets.
Zenitsu: Say lightly fried fish fillets one more time Randy.

Randy: If history repeats itself, I’m so getting a dinosaur!

Randy: I don’t remember that.
Giyuu:  Do you remember that night last week when you slept in a revolving door?
Randy:  ...No.
Giyuu:  Okay, do you remember when you were chased by those wild dogs for two miles?
Randy:  Not especially, no.
Giyuu: It was in between those two things. 

Randy:  I don't want to fight you!
First Ninja:  I wouldn't want you to fight me either!

First Ninja:  I won a new phone in a race.
Giyuu:  Huh? What kind of race lets you win a phone, First Ninja?
First Ninja:  A race between the store owner, the cop, and me.

Randy:  I tried to write ‘I'm a functional adult’ but my phone changed it to ‘fictional adult’ and i feel like that’s more accurate.

Zenitsu:  New challenge! Don't say stupid shit for 24 hours!

Zenitsu:  Help, someone at prom has been killed!
Giyuu:  Calm down, we don't need you to Panic! At the Disco.

Zenitsu:  I think I mostly want to see what happens when this whole place breaks apart.

Zenitsu:  I’m so jetlagged I can’t even regrender my chorf.
*Everyone stares at Zenitsu*
Zenitsu:  I don’t even know what I was trying to say.

Randy, wearing shades:  Rule one of destroying the world.
Randy:  *does finger guns* You gotta look good while doing it.

Zenitsu:  What’cha doin?
Randy:  Stealing my neighbor's cat.
Zenitsu:  Scandalous.
Zenitsu:  Can I help?

Randy:  Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.
First Ninja:  ...what happened?
Randy:  I made a VERY bad mistake.

Randy, lying on the floor, depressed:  I'll never be a cop. I'm gonna have to be a robber.

Randy:  Can I offer you a nice stick in this trying time?

Giyuu:  Did you just refer to a knife as a “people-opener”?
Zenitsu:
Zenitsu:  …Should I not have?

Giyuu:  When I first got my autism diagnosis, my first thought was “woah… it’s canon” and I think that maybe thoughts like that is why First Ninja made me get tested.

Randy:  *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium*
Giyuu:  Randy, what did you think a tiger shark was?

Giyuu:  What’s the status up here?
Randy:  Fucked up, about to die, Zenitsu’s a nerd. The usual.

First Ninja:  I drink to forget but I always remember.
Randy:  You're drinking orange juice.

Zenitsu:  You're not my friend anymore.
Giyuu:  I was your friend?

Giyuu:  Would anyone know any good vendors for professional-quality brass knuckles?
Zenitsu:  I know you’re serious, but you say the scariest shit sometimes.

Zenitsu:  *points at Giyuu* A human turtleneck, *points at First Ninja* a narcissistic monster, *points at Randy* and literally the dumbest person I’ve ever met.
Randy:  And who am I? Describe me now.

Randy:  Ha! What are you gonna do? Stab me?
*Five minutes later*
Randy, calling 911:  HELP, IVE BEEN STABBED.

Zenitsu:  Can we go to a haunted house?
Giyuu:  What’s wrong with the one we live in?
Zenitsu:  Wh-what?
Giyuu:  Goodnight, Zenitsu.

Giyuu:  Okay, help me, please!
Nomicon:  Got two words for you.
Randy:  I bet they won't be helpful.
Nomicon:  Your problem.
Randy:  I was right.

Zenitsu:  I don’t have anything against you, but I can make up lots of reasons to attack you!!

Randy:  What, I can’t be in a bad mood? It’s like people think, “Oh, Randy is such a nice person, Randy is so happy-go-lucky! Randy can’t be in a bad mood!” Well, you know what?  Randy CAN be in a bad mood. And right now, Randy IS be in a bad mood.

Giyuu:  Did you miss me while I was gone?
Zenitsu:  You were gone?

Randy:  Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.
Randy:  Me too!

Nomicon:  They don’t make them like me no more. I’m the last of my kind.
Zenitsu:  Thank god.

Nomicon:  Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.
First Ninja:  This knife is actually a magic wand.
Randy:  Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.
Giyuu:  *cocks gun* Magic missile.
Zenitsu:  What the fuck is wrong with you people. 

Randy:  Giyuu is off at an appointment, so while he’s gone, I’m going to cut the sleeves off all of my shirts.
Zenitsu:  Why?
Randy:  He’s like 90% of my impulse control.

Randy:  Any advice before Zenitsu and I fight?
First Ninja:  Don’t wet yourself in public.
Randy:  Not the kind of advice I was looking for!

Giyuu:  You’re charged with…..breaking into a pet store?
Randy:  I thought the animals might be lonely.

First Ninja:  Well, you know what they say: Can’t bake a pie without losing a dozen men!

Randy:  If I stay in bed I'll be warm. If I get in the shower, I'll also be warm. But the distance between the bed and shower? No. That is not warm.

Randy, spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun:  We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down.
Zenitsu:  I actually just put the cutting board in the oven...
Giyuu, visibly confused:  Okay, so he decided to put the cutting board in the oven?
Randy, spraying Zenitsu:  You FUCKING DUMBASS!
Zenitsu:  Dude, I forgot-
Randy:  OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!?
First Ninja:  *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*

First Ninja:  What does a winner do when life gives them lemons?
Giyuu:  Um, make lemonade?
First Ninja:  No, they squeeze them right back into life’s eyes!

Zenitsu:  I’m never donating blood ever again.
Zenitsu:  The second you walk through the door, it’s just one invasive question after another!
Zenitsu:  ‘Where did you get it?’ 'Why is it in a bucket?’ I mean, do you want it or not?

Nomicon:  Kill him.
Giyuu:  This is the kind of quality advice I look for.

Zenitsu:  I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

First Ninja:  Giyuu, fuck off.
First Ninja:  And by "fuck off" I mean "fuck off right back here and listen", you insufferable prick.

Zenitsu:  If it pleases the court I would like to say that my opponent is TALKING SHIT!
Giyuu:  ...

Zenitsu:  There is no future. There is no past. Don't you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every fact.
Giyuu:  ...All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

Randy:  Zenitsu! I thought you were dead!
Zenitsu:  No, just in deep cover.
Randy:  ...But it was an open casket.
Zenitsu:  It was very deep.

Randy:  Holy shit, First Ninja, do you know what this means?!
First Ninja:  Kid, whenever you start doing this, nobody knows what you mean.

Randy:  Made you all playlists!
Randy:  First Ninja, yours has only heavy metal, and is dark like your soul.
Randy:  Giyuu, yours has sad songs and blues to pair with your crippling depression.
Randy:  And Zenitsu has the ABBA Gold album.

Randy:  I know how this must look but I can assure you we have a perfectly logical explanation.
Zenitsu:  Yeah! We’re cowards!

Randy:  Remember that time you dared me to lick a swing set?
Zenitsu:  No, I said "Randy, don't lick that swing set" and you said "Don't tell me what to do" and licked the swing set.

Zenitsu, after confronting Randy about being a Ninja:  If I say yes am I joining a cult?
Randy:  Possibly.
Zenitsu:  I’m in.

Zenitsu:  So I got this amazing plan!
Giyuu:  We fail almost every time you say that.
Zenitsu:  Well this is the same! But with a hamster involved.

Randy:  Do you know a turtles only weakness?
Giyuu:  No... well, their slowness.
Randy:  Their weakness is they can't roll over when they are on their backs.
Randy:  Now I have a plan.
Randy:  If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable.

Zenitsu:  I think I should be allowed on ghost hunter tv shows.
Randy:  I think that would be dangerous for the ghosts.

Zenitsu:  Why are you guys acting like this?
Randy:  Oh, we're not acting. We really are like this.

Giyuu:  So... what’s goin’ on?
Randy:  You want the long version or the short version?
Giyuu, hesitantly:  The short one, I guess?
Randy:  Shit’s fucked.
Giyuu:  Oh. Well, yeah, that’s definitely not an optimal situation.

Zenitsu:  Look, Giyuu, if you can fit your head down the gun’s barrel, you can assume it doesn’t have a non-lethal setting.

Randy:  First Ninja is the bravest person I know. He can go into the Spirit Halloween without crying.

Randy:  Last night, I had a dream about sandwich pizza.
Giyuu:  What?
Randy:  It was pizza with bread on the top and the bottom.
Giyuu:  So a calzone?
Randy:  You can’t just name things I dream up. 

First Ninja:  They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff?
Giyuu:  Um, murder???
Randy:  Adventuring!
Zenitsu:  Tuesday.

Randy:  How the hell are you still alive?
Zenitsu:  Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.

Randy:  Zenitsu, what are you doing tomorrow?
Zenitsu:  Having my day ruined by whatever you’re about to ask me to do.

Zenitsu:  Caw caw, motherfuckers.

Randy:  Giyuu won’t wake up, what do I do?
First Ninja:  Did you try kicking him?
Randy:  Yes.
First Ninja:  I’m out of ideas.

Zenitsu:  So jellyshish-
Randy, laughing:  JELLYSHISH!?
Zenitsu:  You know what I meant!

First Ninja:  We are not mad. We are just disappointed.
Nomicon:  No, we are mad.
First Ninja:  Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
Nomicon:  No, we’re not!
First Ninja:  I am not a mind reader, Nomicon!

Randy:  Hello friends!
Randy:  You might be wondering why I’m taped to the ceiling.

First Ninja:  I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.

First Ninja:  *falls down the stairs*
Giyuu:  Are you okay?
Randy:  Stop falling down the stairs!
Zenitsu:  How’d the ground taste?

First Ninja:  I have no respect for Santa. Don’t sneak in through the chimney and undermine my authority by bringing my family presents. Walk in through the front door and fight me like a man.

Nomicon:  Can you come out?
Giyuu:  Yeah gimme a minute…
Giyuu:  Nomicon, I’m gay.
Nomicon:  I know that. Come out to the car.
Giyuu:  Okay.
Giyuu:  Car, I’m gay.

Zenitsu:  No problemo!
Zenitsu, internally:  But it was all problemo.

Zenitsu:  It’s nice to be wanted, you know?
Giyuu:  Not by the law!

Zenitsu:  Why is it so hard for you to believe me?!
Randy:  ...
Zenitsu:  Oh, right. The lying.

Giyuu:  What are you writing?
Randy:  The government wants to know what kind of weapons we have in the house. I'm letting them know it's private information.
Zenitsu, looking over Randy's shoulder:  This just says 'fuck around and find out' in calligraphy.

Zenitsu:  I got us matching friendship bracelets, and you say I don't care about our relationship.
Randy:  These are handcuffs.
Zenitsu:  Yeah, 'cause we're partners in crime!

Randy:  I have a philosophy in life; if the seat is open, the job is open. That’s how I came to briefly drive a Formula 1 car.

Zenitsu:  The first time I ever got upset in front of Randy, he put his arms around me and it was so awkward that I had to ask him if he was hugging me or reaching for something on the shelf behind me.
Randy:  I was doing both, for your information.
Giyuu:  The first time Randy hugged me, it was such a disaster we didn’t make eye contact for, like, a week after.

Zenitsu:  See, the problem is, Randy, you’re playing 3D chess. I’m playing 4D.
Randy:  I’m playing checkers. I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing.

Giyuu:  How would you rate your pain?
Randy:  0/10. Would not recommend.

Randy:  When life gives you lemonades, make lemons! Life will be all like "whaAttT?"
Giyuu:  Life lessons that the Nomicon can't teach you.

Zenitsu:  Alright, so the vampire's gravestone is—
Giyuu:  Cenotaph.
Zenitsu:  What?
Giyuu:  It's only a gravestone if it marks the location of a body. A monument honoring someone whose body isn't present is a cenotaph.
Zenitsu:  I'm... not sure that's how it works if the body gets up and walks away on its own.
Giyuu:  There's a precedent for gravestones being reclassified as cenotaphs if the body is later removed and reinterred elsewhere. There's no rule that says the body itself can't do the removing.
Zenitsu:  Okay, but the body is very much coming back. That's kind of what we're here to accomplish.
Randy:  So it's a temporary cenotaph.
Giyuu:  And naturally our greatest concern here is avoiding semantic ambiguity.
Randy:  Semantic ambiguity is how vampires get you.

Zenitsu:  Giyuu, I know you love Randy. I mean, we all do, he’s a very nice person and I respect him immensely.
Zenitsu:  But I think he might be a fucking idiot. 

Randy:  I’m good at so many things.
Zenitsu:  The only thing you’re good at doing is staying alive.
Randy:  I am OFFENDED.

Zenitsu:  Are you a full bred American?
Randy, with a straight face:  Yeah, my dad’s a bald eagle and my mom’s a Big Mac.

Giyuu, reading to baby Randy:  The cow says “moo”, the butterfly don’t say nothing, pig says “you have the right to remain silent!”

First Ninja:  Giyuu, how long do you estimate this task will take?
Giyuu: By myself? Probably around 25 minutes.
First Ninja:  And if I made Randy help?
Giyuu: Oh, an hour and a half at least!

Giyuu: I’m not playing hard to get... I don’t know how to talk.

Zenitsu: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, okay? Are we cowabunga on this?
Randy, trying not to laugh:  Yeah, we’re cowabunga.

Giyuu: What’s your emergency?
Zenitsu: I'm sitting in a pool of blood.
Giyuu:  Is it your blood?
Zenitsu:  Yes, I think so.
Giyuu:  Do you know where it’s coming from?
Zenitsu:  Probably the stab wound.
Giyuu:  Have you been stabbed?
Zenitsu:  Oh yeah, definitely.

Giyuu: People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don’t give a damn about anybody.
Zenitsu:  If you decide to have a problem after midnight, that’s between you and God.
Randy, very tired:  How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?

Randy: Why do you always hold my hand on missions?
Giyuu, dead inside: Because as soon as I let go, you’re going to do a backflip off a lamppost.

Zenitsu:  I’m not allowed to listen to music while cooking anymore because I got too into it and turned the stove knobs like a DJ and blew up our old house.

Randy: People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk.

First Ninja:  Short people wearing suits is so funny to me. Like where are you going Boss Baby?

Randy: I am willing to bet that Rick Astley has done more to prevent folks clicking on unknown links than all cyber security training combined.

Giyuu: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
Randy: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
First Ninja: A realist sees a freight train.
Zenitsu:  The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

Zenitsu: Hi brain, you obstinate fucker. I drank the clear splashy stuff. I ate the green things. I went under that bright fucker up there. I did the thing with the moving and sweating and whatnot. Now make me the happy chemical you lump of fuck.
Randy:  Did you do the thing where you lay down in place for 8 hours?
Zenitsu: Fuck

First Ninja:  I currently have 7 empty notebooks and I have no idea what to put in them. Any suggestions?
Randy (Gremlin Number 1):  Put spaghetti in it.
First Ninja:  I am currently taking suggestions from anyone but you.
Zenitsu (Gremlin Number 2): Put spaghetti in it.
First Ninja: I am currently taking suggestions from anyone but you two.
Giyuu, joining in his children’s shenanigans: Put spaghetti in it.
First Ninja: I am no longer taking suggestions.

Zenitsu: What the fuck is wrong with you??
Randy: What? No good morning?
Zenitsu:  Good morning, what the fuck is wrong with you??

Randy: I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Howard's phone number just by choosing random numbers.

Zenitsu, as a child, reading their school assignment out loud: I love my library because...
Zenitsu, mouthing words while writing: I love reading, fuck you.

Giyuu:  I’ve never been in a snowball fight before. I don’t know the rules.
Randy:  What?
Giyuu:  Is there a point system, or is it to the death?

Randy, learning how to drive:  What happens if I press the gas and the brake at the same time?
Zenitsu: The car takes a screenshot.
Giyuu: Please pull over. I’m driving now.

Giyuu: Did you buy eggs like I asked?
Zenitsu:  Even better!
Giyuu:  What the fuck did you-
Zenitsu:  *holding up a chicken* Her name is Fluffy.
Randy:  *shaking in fear in a corner*

Giyuu: I try to avoid pointless group activities. You know like school Christmas Parties or Jury Duty. To me, the most awful sound in the universe is that mangled first note of your peers singing happy birthday.
Randy:  Cool stance. Counterpoint: these are free cupcakes. Get over yourself and take one.

Randy:  I came out here to attack people and I'm honestly having such a good time right now.

First Ninja: Where are your parents?
Zenitsu:  What are parents?
First Ninja: That’s just about the saddest thing I ever heard get said.

Zenitsu:  How would you guys deal with a toxic friend?
Randy:  Tell them how you really feel.
Giyuu: Slowly distance yourself from them.
First Ninja: Engage in a 1v1 sword battle and if they lose they have to stop being toxic or pay the price.
Zenitsu, being handed a sword: …well heck.

Zenitsu: Hey, do you know anyone who can teach me to play the trumpet?
Randy: Why?
Zenitsu:  I want to wander around playing it to annoy First Ninja.
Randy: Technically, you don’t actually need to know how to play the trumpet well for that.
Zenitsu:  Randy, you have opened my eyes.

Nomicon: So, everyone, what does a story NEED?
Giyuu: A character!
First Ninja:  A setting!
Randy, a gleam in his eyes, in a near-whisper: Revenge.

Nomicon:  A sprite is anything not static.
First Ninja:  A sprite is a variable object, be it 2d or 3d.
Zenitsu: A sprite is a fucking soda.
Zenitsu:  You goddamn geekass bastards.

Giyuu: So, when are we gonna tell him?
First Ninja:  Just give him a minute.
Randy:  *Pulling on a door that clearly says push*

Zenitsu: It’s Pride Month, you know what that means!
Randy: I get to eat as many Skittles as I want?
Zenitsu: What? No! What has Tomioka been telling you?
Giyuu, walking in, pouring Skittles into his mouth: Taste the rainbow, bitch.

First Ninja:  *Picks up hammer and breaks ringing cell phone.*

Zenitsu: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk?
Randy:  The final boss.
Giyuu: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?
Zenitsu:  I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer!

First Ninja: I don’t care what anyone thinks about me.
Giyuu: Ok.
First Ninja, who wants to impress his students more than anything:  Wait, why such a muted reaction? Did that not sound cool? 

Nomicon:  Could you be any more annoying?
Zenitsu: Yes.

Giyuu: When I see initials carved into a tree with a heart, I think it’s so romantic. Two lovers on a date... one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

Zenitsu: Hey! Wanna hear a joke?
Giyuu: Sure.
Zenitsu: Your life!
Giyuu: Actually, my life isn’t a joke, jokes have meaning.
Zenitsu:  Tomioka, no.

Randy:  You bought a taco?
Zenitsu:  Yes.
Randy: From the same truck that hit Giyuu?!
Zenitsu, with a mouthful of taco:  Well, me starving ain't gonna help him.

Randy: If I were a drink, I'd be Cherry Vanilla Coke. If you were a drink, what would you be?
Giyuu:  Bleach.
Zenitsu:  Sewage.
Randy: ...Please calm down, edge lords.

Giyuu:  What was that?
Zenitsu:  My shirt fell.
Giyuu:  It sounded a lot heavier than that.
Randy:  He was in it.

Randy:  First Ninja, what if there are monsters?
First Ninja: Don’t worry, we’re top of the food chain.
Much later…
Randy, lying awake at night:  I am the monster.

Giyuu: *Pulls a glass of water from out of nowhere*
Zenitsu:  Where did you get that?
Giyuu: My pocket.
Zenitsu: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket?
Giyuu, Water Hashira: Skills.

Nomicon:  We are gathered here today because someone- *glares at Giyuu’s coffin* -couldn’t stay alive!

Giyuu:  You really believe in the Nomicon?
Zenitsu:  Luckily, it believes in itself enough for the both of us.

Giyuu: Yeah, I don’t like people.
Randy:  Oh, well now that’s not fair Giyuu. Have you met all of them?
Giyuu: I’ve met enough of them. People. What a bunch of bastards!

*Giyuu and Zenitsu looking at a locked gate into a park*
Giyuu:  Aw. :(
Zenitsu:  You know what they say.
Giyuu:  Please don’t-
Zenitsu:  BE GAY DO CRIME! *hops gate*
Giyuu:  Fuck-

Zenitsu: We’re going to a candy store?!
Giyuu:  No! It’s nighttime, candy stores are closed.
Randy:  We’re gonna ROB a candy store?!?!
Giyuu, sighing:  No-

*Using an Ouija board*
Giyuu:  Tell us… Is there a spirit in this house?
Spirit, through the board:  YES.
Zenitsu:  Great! Rent is due on the first of the month.
Randy:  Oh, and movie night is on Friday if you want to hang out.
Spirit:  WAIT, WHAT—

Zenitsu:  *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said I’d tell you when we’re in too deep?
Giyuu:  Yes?
Zenitsu:  We’re in too deep.

Randy: Act natural.
Zenitsu:  For this kind of situation, the most natural thing would be to panic, so technically I can panic.
Randy: NO, that’s not what I meant! Act like it’s a normal day!
Zenitsu: My ‘normal’ days of late, consist of a lot of panic.
Randy: Will you just cooperate?
Zenitsu:  When a person is panicking, they are not apt to cooperate very well!

*At a zoo*
Zenitsu: What are they in for?
Randy:  Zenitsu, this isn't prison.
Zenitsu:  So, they can leave?
Randy:  No, but-
Zenitsu, pointing at a meerkat:  I bet that one murdered someone.

Zenitsu: I think I did fairly well on my anatomy quiz! :)
Randy:  I forgot I was doing a test.
Zenitsu:  Randy.
Randy:  I said the vertebrae was the back stick because I thought it was funny....
Giyuu: Randy.

Giyuu:  What’cha got there..?
Randy:  *petting an ostrich* A smoothie.

Giyuu:  Question, how difficult would it be to bowl in a bee suit?
First Ninja:  Not that hard, I don't think, as long as you can move.
Randy: I'd assume as hard as it is to bowl in a maid outfit.
Randy: Wouldn't be any harder, but you'd get some WEIRD looks.
Zenitsu:  Are. Are you speaking from experience.
Randy:  No!
Randy:
Randy:  ....maybe.

Giyuu, holding an unconscious Randy: Oh no. Please don’t be dead.

Randy:  Amazing! Zenitsu, you're just like Sherlock Homeless!
Zenitsu:  IT'S HOLMES!

Randy:  Any tips on how to make someone like me?
First Ninja:  Try to make them laugh all the time.
Randy:  Oh, wow! You actually help me for once, and it's even good advice!
First Ninja: Yeah, the more they laugh, the more time they spend with their eyes closed, so it'd be easier.

Giyuu:  When surrendering, Zenitsu is to hand the sword over HILT first.

Giyuu:  You treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol. You treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol.

Randy:  Do I sound smart, or am I smart?
Zenitsu:  You sound unbearable, to be perfectly honest.

Randy: Good morning!
Giyuu, checking his watch:  Correct.

Giyuu:  Someone’s trying to break in. Call the cops!
Zenitsu:  *loads shotgun* I got this.
Giyuu:  Last week you fell up the stairs, what do you mean-

Zenitsu:  Apparently, it was Rude™ of me to pitch in my two cents on a conversation I happened to overhear, despite agreeing with them.
Zenitsu: On an unrelated note, I am no longer allowed in the ceiling vents.

Giyuu: Well please don’t let Randy do anything stupid…
Zenitsu:  Stupid by my standards or yours?
Giyuu:
Giyuu:  Stupid by Tsutako's standards.
Zenitsu:  Smart. Randy will live longer.

Randy: The only straight I am is a straight-up badass.

Giyuu, sniffling: Calm down, I’m probably not sick. It might just be allergies.
Zenitsu:  Okay, tell me this: are you like, really tired?
Giyuu:  I have depression, what do you think? 

Nomicon: You three, explain right now!
Zenitsu: It was First Ninja.
Randy: It was First Ninja.
Giyuu: It was First Ninja.
First Ninja:
First Ninja:  …fuck.

Randy: Don't quote me on this, but I believe murder is illegal!

Zenitsu:  I dunno if I'm ready to process the ramifications of this bullshit.

First Ninja: *holding a salt packet* It’s just a little sodium chloride.
Randy:  Actually, First Ninja, it’s salt.
First Ninja:  That’s what I said, sodium chloride.
Randy:  Uh First Ninja, that would be salt.
Zenitsu:  *takes salt packet from First Ninja* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.

First Ninja:  Your future self is talking shit about you right now.
Giyuu: Jokes on him. I'll ruin his fucking life.

Randy, dashing into the room: WHY AREN’T THE DISHES IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER?!
Giyuu:  …What does that even mean?!

Randy: Hey, do you wanna hang out this weekend?
Zenitsu:  Generic excuse.
Randy: I can’t believe you said that out loud, to my face.
Zenitsu:  I can.

Giyuu:  We got a free day now. What do you wanna do? Eat? Sleep? Nap? Snack?

Giyuu:  Oh, fiddlesticks.
Randy:  Look, I understand this is a tense situation, but let's watch the fucking language.

Randy: Are oranges named orange because oranges are orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Zenitsu:  Which came first, the orange or the orange?
Nomicon:  Orange was first used to refer the fruit 1280 years ago but was not used as a color until 1000 years ago.
Giyuu:  What was the color called before then?
First Ninja: There was no color, duh! Everything was black and white!

Giyuu: ...This is one of those moments where it doesn't really matter what I have to say, isn't it?

Randy:  Of course I have a lot of pent-up rage, you fool! I've been the same height since I was twelve!

*Nomicon is comforting Giyuu once Randy goes back to the future*
Nomicon:  Stop crying because it’s over. Start smiling because Randy is someone else’s problem now.

Giyuu:  The Ninja Nomicon taught me to think before I act.
Giyuu: ...So if I smack the shit out of you, rest assured that I thought about it and am confident in my decision.

Zenitsu:  How did you break your leg?
Giyuu: Do you see those porch stairs?
Zenitsu:  Yes.
Giyuu: I didn't.

Randy, in a horrible German accent:  Bill Nye is on break, I'm Bill Nein.
Zenitsu:  Can I go to the bathroom?
Randy, in the same horrible German accent: Nein!

Giyuu:  I'm bored, any suggestions?
Randy:  Sleeping is nice.
Giyuu:  I acknowledge your suggestion, and I’m deciding to ignore it.

Zenitsu: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?
Giyuu: Literally or figuratively?
Zenitsu:  I have to specify?

Randy:  I was put on this earth to do one thing.
Randy: Luckily, I forgot what it was so I can do whatever I want.

Zenitsu, to Giyuu:  I mean, I get complimented all the time-
Randy:  *starts cackling*
Zenitsu:  I do!
Randy: *laughs harder*

Randy:  Alright, what pizza toppings should we order?
Giyuu:  Anchovies and pineapple.
First Ninja:  I like beets!
Nomicon:  Have you guys ever had a cheese-less pizza?
Randy:  I’m disowning all of you.

Zenitsu:  Why do humans have different blood groups?
Randy:  So mosquitoes can enjoy different flavors.

Randy:  Am I in trouble?
Giyuu:  Take a guess.
Randy:  No?
Giyuu: Take another guess.

Zenitsu, holding Randy’s chain-sickle:  I've got a weapon, and I'm... admittedly VERY afraid to use it!

Zenitsu:  I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind.
Zenitsu:  The days turn into weeks; weeks turn into months.
Zenitsu:  How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?
Giyuu: This is Monopoly.

Zenitsu:  You say “Please” and “Thank you” in front of First Ninja all the time, and he never repeats it.
Zenitsu:  But you call Randy “Ass-faced motherfucker” ONE TIME…

Giyuu: Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been warmer than it was last week.
Zenitsu:  Why does it seem like every time you talk to us, you end up talking about the weather? Is your life so unimaginably dull that you can't think of any events in your life to describe that might be more interesting than the weather? Let's think of something for you to talk about other than the weather. I mean, we barely even know anything about you, other than where you live.
Zenitsu:  Let's start there. What do you do for a living?
Giyuu:  I'm a meteorologist.

Giyuu: Hi could I ask how exactly does one accidentally set a lemon on fire?
Zenitsu:  Microwave for 40 minutes.
First Ninja:  WHY WERE YOU MICROWAVING A LEMON?!
Zenitsu:  I read boiling lemons helps cover up bad smells and I wanted to cover up the scent of burnt oranges, but I didn’t own any pots…
Randy: Did you burn an orange too? HOW?!
Zenitsu:  Microwave for 40 minutes.

Randy:  Giyuu, I think we have a problem.
Giyuu:  What, the fire?
Randy:  No, the- wait, what fire?
Giyuu: Oh, forget about it, this sounds more interesting.

Zenitsu: Ok, first of all, what the fuck?

Zenitsu:  Your Honor, I hereby submit the following to the court:
Zenitsu:  Randy, what the actual FUCK?

Zenitsu: Truth or dare?
Giyuu:  Truth.
Zenitsu:  How many hours have you slept this week?
Giyuu:
Giyuu:  Dare.
Zenitsu: Go to sleep.
Giyuu: I don't like this game. 

First Ninja:  Oh, fiddlesticks! That really ruffles my feathers!
Giyuu: Please, just say fuck.

Giyuu: Why are you talking to yourself?
Zenitsu: It’s called a soliloquy, bitch.

Giyuu: Did you win? Or just not die?
Giyuu: Either way, hooray.
Randy:  ...Is "no" a valid answer?
Giyuu:The hooray is redacted, and you frighten me.

First Ninja:  Are you busy?
Giyuu:  No.
First Ninja: Want to do something?
Giyuu:  Why would you try to ruin this for me?

Zenitsu:  You’re such a dumbass (affectionate).
Randy:  Aww, you’re such a whore (complimentary).
Giyuu:  How are you talking like that in real life?
Randy:  Witchcraft (derogatory).

Zenitsu:  I’d kill someone if you asked me to.
Randy: I’m pretty sure you’d kill someone even if I didn’t ask you to.

Zenitsu, figuring out the identities of the Ninjas:  I've connected the two dots.
Randy, trying to bullshit his way out of it: You didn't connect shit.
Zenitsu, not buying it: I've connected them.

Giyuu: Don’t you have any dignity, Randy?
Randy:Uh, no.

Zenitsu: You know you've made it when you see your picture everywhere you go.
Randy:  Those are wanted posters!

Giyuu:  I can't imagine what Zenitsu is planning. But I can tell you two things. We won't like it and it won't be legal.

Randy:  You need to be more careful!
Zenitsu, who was dragged into Randy's issue: Careful? CAREFUL?! I'LL CAREFULLY WRAP MY HANDS AROUND YOUR THROAT-

Randy:  Self-care is stuff like taking a bubble bath or putting on a lot of make up if you like that or taking a nice warm nap and stuff like that basically.
First Ninja: Self-care is the burning heat when rage washes over you. self-care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists. self-care is the fear in your enemies' eyes.
Giyuu: Self-care is stealing someone's birthday cake just to eat the frosting.
First Ninja: If you touch my birthday cake, I’ll make you eat your hands.

Zenitsu:  You’re an idiot.
Randy: That’s the charm.

*Zenitsu and Giyuu texting*
Zenitsu:  Come downstairs and talk to me please. I'm lonely.
Giyuu:  Isn't First Ninja there?
Zenitsu: Yes, but I like you more.

Giyuu: Everyone has a toxic trait. Except Randy, he's perfect.
Randy:Wrong! My toxic trait is how badly I want to domesticate a raccoon.

First Ninja:Being smart has never stopped me from being a complete fucking idiot.

Zenitsu:  We’re going to have to split up, like in Scooby Doo.
Zenitsu, to Randy and Giyuu:  You guys are Scooby and Shaggy. You can search the bathrooms.
Zenitsu, to First Ninja:  Velma, you get the spooky looking fridge in the basement.
First Ninja: What? Why am I Velma? And why do I get the… dubious looking device?
Zenitsu:  Because only Velma would say “dubious device”. First Ninja gets the spooky fridge in the basement.
Randy: And what does that make you, Fred?
Zenitsu:  Bitch, I’m Daphne.

Zenitsu: Yeah, I find it quite emotional. In like a cool way.
Randy:  Did you just say it makes you cry in a cool way?

Giyuu: Surprise! I’m having a baby!
Randy:  What?!
Giyuu:  *pull out adoption papers* It's you!

Randy:  I've never encountered a problem that can't be solved by a spontaneous musical number.

Giyuu, texting group chat:  What flavour of ice cream do you guys want? I’m at the store so be quick!
Zenitsu:  Moose Tracks is good!
Randy:  What the fuck is that!?
Zenitsu:  *Gasp* How dare you insult moo-
Randy:  No. No no not that. What the hell. Why do you spell flavor like flavour. It’s like you have flavor but then this guy shows up and is like “Oui Oui Would you like chocolate flaVOUR or vanilla flaVOUR.
Giyuu and Zenitsu:  what?
Randy:  I don’t get it why add the EXTRA u when it’s PERFECTLY FINE AS IT IS!?
Giyuu:  You done now?
Randy:  Yeah ok.
Giyuu and Zenitsu:  ...
Randy:  ...Can I have the Mint Chocolate chip flavour?

Zenitsu, seeing a banana on the car seat:  What the FUCK??
Zenitsu, buckling the banana up:Fucking buckle UP, it’s the LAW! 

Nomicon:  Are we really going to let Giyuu keep Zenitsu ?
First Ninja:  We kept Randy.

Giyuu: Yes, I'm adopting Randy and you cowards can't tell me no!

Zenitsu:  My expectations are low, but they can always go lower.

Randy:  Have you heard of Murphy’s law? The one where if something can go wrong, it will go wrong?
Zenitsu:  Yeah, I have.
Randy: Have you heard of Cole’s law?
Zenitsu:  Is this a joke about coleslaw?
Randy:  …maybe.

Giyuu, watching Randy do something stupid:  Zenitsu, you're officially only the second highest risk here.
Zenitsu:  Hell yeah! I'm gonna—
Giyuu:  Don't finish that sentence, you'll move back up.

Giyuu: I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

Zenitsu: Social distancing says you shouldn't be within an elbow's distance of each other.
*later, in a barfight*
Zenitsu: Social distancing doesn't say nothing about feet! *kicks opponent in the face*

First Ninja:  *holds a gun out to Randy*
Randy:  I-I don't believe in guns.
First Ninja:  Well, trust me, they're very real. Now take it.

First Ninja: This is horrible! This is the most humiliating thing to ever happen to me!
Randy: Oh-? Even more humiliating than-
First Ninja: We are not doing this!

Zenitsu:  Accidentally indulged in too much ‘free time’, turns out I’ve been reported missing for over six months and presumed dead by most local and national authorities.

Randy: What did you order this morning?
Giyuu:  What do you mean?
Randy:  I heard you answer the door, and I sensed food.

Giyuu:  So, Zenitsu , do you have a crush on anyone?
Zenitsu:  The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety.

Zenitsu, on a random band name generator:  Oooo! They Might Be Depressed Horses! That about sums up my friend group.

Giyuu, teaching Zenitsu to drive: Okay, you're driving and First Ninja and Randy walk into the road. Quick, what do you hit?
Zenitsu: Oh, definitely First. I could never hurt Randy.
Giyuu, massaging his temples:  The brakes. You hit the brakes.

Randy, dealing with every emotionally constipated person he gets as family: Do you even, cuddle, bro? Do you even lift, bro… each other up with kindness? Do you tell your loved ones that you care about them regardless of who is listening? DO YOU EVER RESOLVE CONFLICTS, EMOTIONAL ISSUES THROUGH COMPROMISE AND COMPASSION RATHER THAN ANGER AND DENIAL?!

Randy:  Oh, my God. Do you know what this is?
Zenitsu: It’s a book. There’s a lot of those in here, this is a library.

Zenitsu:  HELP! I TOLD RANDY I'D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN'T COOK!
First Ninja, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag:  And you thought I could help?

Giyuu:  Look, Zenitsu, it's the third time this week you had a mental breakdown and it's Monday.

Giyuu, shakily:  Please, just tell me what the book is about. The plot, please.
Zenitsu, reading an annotation on the cover of a book, unfazed: A subversive masterpiece. A deep and touching story. New York Times Bestseller.
Zenitsu, now looking directly at Giyuu:  Go fuck yourself.

Nomicon:  If there are no questions, we’ll move on to the next chapter.
Giyuu:  I have a question.
Nomicon: Certainly, Giyuu. What is it?
Giyuu:  What’s the point of human existence?
Nomicon:  I meant any questions about the subject at hand.
Giyuu: Oh.
Giyuu:  Frankly, I’d like to have the issue resolved before I expend any more energy on this.

Randy:  Hey, wanna help me commit arson?
First Ninja:  What the hell!?
Randy:  Oh, sorry, my bad.
Randy, whispering: Wanna help me commit arson?
First Ninja, whispering:  Of course. What do you need?

Zenitsu:  This is a safety pin.
*cuts off end*
Zenitsu:  It is now a danger pin. 

Nomicon: So, you're looking for information on this thing, huh? Well, I feel like it must be from far away.
First Ninja:  What makes you say that?
Nomicon:  If it's something even I don't know about, then I'm sure nobody else must have a clue. So, it's gotta be from some faraway place. Impeccable reasoning, isn't it?
First Ninja:  Nomicon... You don't have a clue about this thing, do you?
Nomicon: *screams in anger*

Giyuu:  Zenitsu and I were crossing the street, and this man drove by and honked at us.
Randy: What did you do?
Giyuu:  He chased him to the next red light, and reached into his window, and-
Zenitsu:  *walking in* Who wants a steering wheel?

Randy:  The dinosaurs didn’t rule the earth, they were just alive. Stop giving them credit for administration skills they didn’t have.

Giyuu, handing out popsicles:  Which flavor do you want?
Randy:  Blue flavor!
Giyuu: Uh, you mean Blue Raspberry?
Randy: Blue flavor! Blue flavor!
Giyuu: Blue is not a flavor!
Randy:BLUE FLAVOR!

Randy:  I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test!
Giyuu:  Ok, Randy, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918?
Randy:  1917.
Giyuu: ...You're ready.

First Ninja: What the hell were you thinking?
Randy: I heard releasing birds at a wedding is romantic!
First Ninja:  You released OSTRICHES!

Randy:  Good news! I didn’t screw up!
Giyuu:  ...
Randy:  I screwed up less badly than usual!
Giyuu:  ...
Randy:  Screwed up with less immediate consequences than usual.

*In a group chat*
First Ninja: A pegan just flew into my window.
Giyuu: Pegan?
Nomicon:  A what?
Randy: Ah yes, my favorite bird, Pegan.
Zenitsu:  I thought you said penguin for a second, LMAO!
Randy:  Just a normal day with flying penguins crashing into my window.
Zenitsu:  You have pigeons flying into your window? Can't relate, I have penguins flying into my window.
First Ninja: I literally just made a typo-

Zenitsu: Guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way?
Giyuu:  Wait, what’s the difference?
Zenitsu: One you can use in the oven safely, and the other you can also use in the oven... if the thing you are trying to make happens to be fire.

Giyuu to Zenitsu:  Me? I'm the bee knees, but you? You're just...
Randy: Cockroach ankles!
Giyuu:  Ye- uh, what?

First Ninja: I desire moisture.
Randy:  Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.

First Ninja:  Problem, I can't tell if this food is over-sauced or undercooked.
Zenitsu:  Solution, just pop it back in the oven for another 10 minutes. There's at least a 50% chance that'll fix it, right?
Giyuu:  Result? Food has somehow become unpleasantly soggy and unpleasantly crunchy at the exact same time.
Randy: No better time than this to pull out my favorite word! Slunchy!
Nomicon:  ...put it away.

Zenitsu:  *fast-forwards all the way through the movie*
Randy:  You can't just skip to the happy ending!
Zenitsu:  I don't have time for their problems.

Giyuu:  Zenitsu...
Zenitsu: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

Giyuu: Adulting is hard.
Giyuu:  How do I quit?
Randy:  Time travel.
Zenitsu:  Die.

Giyuu: Damn, the power went out.
Zenitsu:  Don’t worry, I got this.
Zenitsu: *stomps foot*
Giyuu: What-?
Zenitsu: *Sketchers light up*

Nomicon:  First Ninja likes to win. When he was 8, a little Club Scout friend of his bragged they could sell the most cookies.
Nomicon:  Damned if First Ninja didn't walk the neighborhood till he got blisters on his feet and won by 10 boxes.
Nomicon:  Best part is, First Ninja wasn't even a Club Scout.

Randy:  I want to grow up and be like Giyuu!
Giyuu:  That is called Acquiring Depression.

Randy: It’s time to turn this into a real business.
Giyuu:  What do you mean? Like, carry a briefcase, and wear a tie, and pay taxes?
First Ninja:  Wait, have you not been paying your taxes?
Zenitsu: I handle our accounting. 

Zenitsu:  Sometimes I wonder if I’m hearing voices.
Zenitsu:  Then I remember that’s the last bit of sanity I have trying to get me to fall asleep at a reasonable time.

Randy:  My aesthetic is "would be suspected of witchcraft by small town citizens."

Randy:  Wasn't icarly that guy that girlbossed too close to the sun because he was down for Apollo?
Zenitsu:  ICARUS?

Zenitsu:  Giyuu, gather the others. We need to have another Randy-is-doing-something-stupid-again-and-we-have-to-stop-him-before-he-hurts-someone convention.

Zenitsu:  Giyuu, if you don't shut up I'm going to throw myself out of the car.
*click*
Zenitsu:  DID YOU JUST TURN THE FUCKING CHILDRENS' LOCK ON?!

Randy: Where did you get that tomato soup?
Zenitsu:  It’s actually a bowl of ketchup I just microwaved.

Zenitsu, explaining why he is not allowed to cook anymore:  I put the noodles in the pot and put the pot on the stove and turned the burner on high. Turns out you don't put noodles in marijuana, and I almost burnt the whole house down.

Zenitsu:  Nothing feels better than winning Monopoly. Not love, not sex, not free pizza, nothing!
First Ninja:  I’m sorry, have you tried pizza?
Zenitsu:  Yes, and it doesn’t compare to owning half the board and watching the light die from your friend’s eyes as you take their money and feel your friendship slowly deteriorate.
Nomicon: I like you.

Zenitsu: So, I was just having a conversation with Randy about Star Wars; particularly, about the choice of architecture. The amount of people who die from falling down bottomless pits is TOO DAMN HIGH! Like, who designs architecture like this? Catwalks with no guard rails whatsoever, just zigging and zagging through enormous voids. Giant holes to nowhere!
Randy: It's by design. It's a cleaner look, for a more elegant time.
Zenitsu:  Like... who the fuck put this hole here???? And why????
Randy: Exhaust?
Zenitsu:  Darth Maul falls down a hole, Palpatine falls down a hole, Solo falls down a hole, everyone falls down a hole! Star Wars universe needs OSHA.
Randy:  Luke falls down a hole, Boba Fett falls down a hole…
Zenitsu: Yes, yes, I forgot about those! R2-D2 falls down a hole in the Millenium Falcon after he fixes the hyperdrive.
Randy: We're onto something here!
Zenitsu:  Obi-Wan almost falls down a hole.
Randy:  C-3PO falls off the barge into the sand. Pretty close to falling down a hole.
Zenitsu: His lightsaber does though.
*Randy thinks hard about what other Star Wars Characters fall down holes*
Zenitsu:  What if the hole is symbolic? The hole represents the dark side.
Randy:  Nah, doesn't work. Luke chooses to fall down the hole instead of joining Vader/The Dark Side.
Zenitsu: Fair point.

Randy:  Detective! The man belonged to some kind of cult that worshipped a divine forest creature with antlers and that’s how he met his end.
First Ninja:  Dear God!
Randy: Yeah! Exactly!

Giyuu: Why are you burning your adoption papers!?
Zenitsu: Good luck trying to return me without a receipt.

Nomicon: I swear to god I'm the only one here with a braincell.
Zenitsu, Giyuu, Randy, and First Ninja: ALL HAIL the keeper of the sacred braincell!

*While planning to break in somewhere*
Randy: Hey, let's do "Get Help!"
Zenitsu:  What?
Randy:  "Get Help."
Zenitsu:  No.
Randy:  C'mon, you love it!
Zenitsu:  I hate it.
Randy:  It's great! It works every time!
Zenitsu:  It's humiliating.
Randy:  Do you have a better plan?
Zenitsu:  No.
Randy:  We're doing it!
Zenitsu:  We are not doing "Get Help!"
*A Minute Later*
Randy, carrying Zenitsu: Get help! Please! He’s dying! Help him! *throws Zenitsu at guards, knocking them out*
Randy:  Ahh, classic!
Zenitsu:  *gets up* I still hate it. It's humiliating.
Randy, laughing: Not for me, it's not.

Randy:  We’ll get back into there or die trying.
First Ninja: No one’s dying.
Randy: Not with that attitude.

Randy: Real life should have a fucking search function, or something.
Randy: I need my socks.

Randy:  Respect my trans homies or I’m gonna identify as a fucking problem.

Howard:  I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done.
Randy:  When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.
Howard: They're not.
Randy:  Haha, very funny.
Howard:  I'm serious. Didn't you hear?
Randy:  No... what happened?
Howard:  ...Why would you fall for this again-

Giyuu:  Randy said I was his second favorite person, and I was bummed, but then he said First Ninja is third. He has no favorite person. He’s holding the position open. 

Zenitsu:  Are you sure First Ninja’s going to be able to handle that IKEA furniture? He’s not very good with technical stuff…
Randy:  Why are you worried? IKEA was never complicated; these days, it’s even easier! Everything’s color coded, numbered, and there’s even an assembly robot option to make it even easier for First Ninja, which we’ve obviously opted in for. All they need to do is press the clearly labeled ON button, scan the QR code on the front of the box, and it’ll take care of the rest. Even a monkey could do it!
*Randy’s phone rings*
First Ninja:  Hey, so I’m at Lowes…
Zenitsu:  …
Zenitsu: I should have gone with the monkey.

First Ninja:  You know, studies show that keeping a ladder in the house is more dangerous than a loaded gun.
First Ninja: That's why I own TEN guns.
First Ninja:  Just in case some maniac tries to sneak in with a ladder.

Zenitsu:  Hey Giyuu, check out this funny .GIF I found!
Giyuu: It’s pronounced “jif”.
Zenitsu:  Huh?
Giyuu: “Dot jif”, like the peanut butter. The creator said so.
Zenitsu:  That’s dumb, it’s Graphics Interchange Format.
Giyuu: The P in .JPEG stands for “photographic”, but I bet you don’t say “J-pheg”.
Zenitsu: “P” on its own isn’t pronounced like “F”, that’s totally different!
Giyuu: It’s exactly the same!
Zenitsu:  Name one word that starts with “G” pronounced like “J”.
Giyuu:  Gentrification.
Zenitsu:  Shoot, should have thought of that. I was just in San Francisco.
Giyuu:  For your logic to be consistent, you’d have to say “skuh-bah” (scuba) or “lah-seer” (laser)!
Zenitsu:  Yeah? Well, you’d have to say “J-pej”!
Zenitsu:  …Wait, “laser” is an acronym?
Giyuu:  Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.
Zenitsu: Huh. Didn’t know that.
Zenitsu: You’re still wrong, though.
Giyuu:  You just hate me because I’m right.
Zenitsu:  I just hate you in general.
Giyuu:  You mean in “geh-neral”?
Zenitsu:  Ugh, I’m “joing” to kill you!

First Ninja:  I just watched Randy jump off of a spinning chair. Luckily, he wasn't hurt that badly. But the whole time, Zenitsu was screaming for help, which caused Giyuu to run in to help Randy. Just note that all of this happened in the span of six minutes.

Randy:  What's the signal when something goes wrong?
Giyuu:  We yell, 'oh shit.'
Zenitsu:  ...That'll work.

*At the police station*
Zenitsu:  Hi, I’m here for Randy.
Police officer:  Who’s Randy?
Zenitsu:  Ah, you must be new.

First Ninja: Can we talk about that mass email you sent?
Randy: Why? It was important.
First Ninja: All it says is, "I'm back on my shit".
Giyuu, shrugging: The people need to know.

First Ninja: What are you drinking?
Giyuu: Vodka.
First Ninja:  Straight?
Giyuu:  No, gay. Why?

Zenitsu:  How do you connect with a fictional character?
First Ninja:  What?
Giyuu:  What?
Nomicon: What?
Randy: *pulls up a 500 slide presentation* I'm glad you asked.