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The night of All Stars, Kasey’s brain switched off the moment he saw Alex skate around with rainbow tape around his stick, opening a line of colorful players behind him. And it was unfortunate, because it happened right at the beginning of the night. Kasey hadn’t thought about much else for the few hours spent at Remus’ place, only offering vague comments every now and then. Natalie’s eyes finding his over the Cubs’ heads had been the one thing keeping him at bay.
Then Logan had called his boys, and that’s how they found out. The tape had been Alex’s idea.
Kasey wanted to say something, anything to him. He wrote ten texts or so on his phone, feeling stupidly self-conscious as he erased them all. Hey, Al, nice tape. Hi, loved your idea. Hey, Alex, good gesture. He sighed, wondering how did he always make everything so complicated. And why he’d never had the courage to do something similar.
And now there they were, in Dumo’s backyard, with the Lions’ team and their families surrounding them.
The Lions were going to the finals, and they felt invincible.
The air was electric even outside of the rink, following them everywhere and rising every time they met. Kasey could see it in Thomas’ grin, in the little jumps Finn made any time he was on his feet. Leo told him it was a mixture of things for him. We’re so close, and my parents are here, and I have two boyfriends, can you believe it? Because I can’t. I feel like I could climb the Everest in one morning. Kasey shared that excitement, but he had to admit that it was nowhere near to the thrill of his first seasons in the league. It tasted bitter in his mouth. Most things about hockey did, now. Leo’s sparkling eyes had brought fresh air in hockey, at least for Kasey, and he was glad for it. A little push to go on until he couldn’t.
And Alex was there.
I wouldn’t miss it, he’d said. How ever it goes. He was standing by a bush with Timmy and Olli, and Kasey couldn’t hear their conversation, but they were laughing and shaking their heads. He never failed to make people laugh.
Kasey saw the moment Alex’s eyes spotted him, leaning against the wall. He watched him excuse himself with a warm smile and one last joke. His eyes followed him to the drinks table, and saw him grab two beers. He came to lean next to him and handed him one without a word.
Kasey took a sip as they watched the sun go down, drawing golden stripes on the surface of the pool. It was still too cold to jump in, but just standing next to it built the vibrant energy of the beginning of summer. Air of anticipation really was everywhere, these days.
Kasey stole a quick glance of Alex.
The same man standing in front of him had convinced half the players at All Stars to wear rainbow tape relying on sheer force of initiative, and a great deal of courage. Even if Kasey had been surprised to see it, he realized, looking back, that there really was no reason for it. Everything about Alex translated into actions, and watching him skate around and wave his hand at the fans with pride tape, he couldn’t see a difference between him and the boy he’d fallen in love with. The boy he’d shared playful glances in the locker room with, that made him laugh loud and messy, with the little snort, and that took him for long walks on the beach every time he played in Florida. Seeing colorful stripes on his stick had moved Kasey more than he cared to admit. What does it mean, and were you thinking of me?
Of course, Natalie had noticed, too. Natalie noticed everything and she was good at not making a big deal out of things. Kasey loved how she’d immediately understood whatever was going on between him and Alex, and how she’d kissed him gently after. It’s okay if you have love for both of us. Gentler than he could ever be with himself.
That night, they’d shared a surprised look as everyone commented the tape and the players, and he’d seen her gaze going from him to Alex-in-the-TV as she tried to figure it out with him. Was it a message? Or simple support? They’d held hands in silent reassurance, wondering what it all meant.
After a few minutes of comfortable silence—Alex was good at those, too- Kasey cleared his throat. He stole a glimpse of the redhead’s golden profile against the setting sun, serene and warm.
“Sick tape,” he blurted out. “At All Stars. Logan said it was your idea.”
Alex’s eyes darted on him, as if looking for something. But it was just for a moment. Then the usual lively grin crept in, for him to relax into.
“Yeah. I thought your captain could use some support, you know?”
Kasey turned to glance at Sirius, standing on the other side of the garden, smiling at something Adele was telling him. Remus was there, holding hands in a newfound sweetness that was delightful to see. Kasey swore it had all seemed impossible until it happened.
“He really did,” he nodded. “I’m glad he had it. It meant a lot.” Kasey stopped before adding to Cap, because they both knew that it wasn’t just that. It meant a lot to me.
Alex nodded, maybe not sure on how to answer. He looked around, and his smile softened when he found the Cubs over the snacks table. Finn had an arm around Leo’s waist, talking a mile a minute, while the other two were looking at him smitten happy. Kasey studied the redhead in front of him as he looked fondly at them.
“And, you know, it wasn’t just for Sirius. For Finn, too. And his boys.” He shook his head, smiling. “You know, Finn called me the morning of All Stars, all excited, saying Alex, big ass news, I’m so happy I’m gonna die, and told me everything.” He took a sip of his beer, eyes returning to Kasey with a raised eyebrow. “Well. I already knew something was up between him and Logan, like, ages ago. I was waiting for him to tell me. And he did, so I felt like I needed to show him that it was okay. On and off the ice.”
Kasey thought back at All Stars night, when eight people had crumpled into Loop’s living room. How Finn had shouted That’s my big brother, and the way his eyes were shining in front of the tv. Kasey had allowed himself to linger on those eyes for a few moments, while everyone else focused on the screen, thinking about the twin pair that Alex bore. He remembered their warmth on his skin, shining like a jewel in the sun. Kasey thought about those eyes a lot.
Bring your eyes on me and I’ll wear your stares like the most precious stones, an old song played in his mind. He didn’t remember the name.
Alex bit his lip, sobering, and those wonderful eyes moved to his shoes. His voice came out lower this time, a vulnerability that people didn’t get to see often.
“And—you know. I had to do it for myself, too.”
Kasey felt a wave of heat rushing to his head, his heartbeat growing faster. He tightened his grip around the beer, only for the icy glass to send shivers down his spine. But Alex looked calm—like he always did.
“I just thought, what’s the point, you know? ‘S not my problem if someone cares.”
He paused for a moment, and everyone else would have thought that he was waiting for a reply from Kasey. But Kasey knew he didn’t. Alex never expected anything from him. And in that moment, Kasey was glad, because he felt petrified.
Alex sent him a small, reassuring smile. Why was he reassuring him and not the opposite, Kasey wasn’t sure.
“I’m not gonna do a big coming out. I’ll just…stop hiding, I guess.”
Then he looked up, and snorted, shaking his head as he’d just told the most amusing joke. He took another sip. Kasey could see his ears blushing as he ripped off a corner of the beer’s label.
“I mean, nothing’s really gonna change, and there’s nothing to hide. But still.”
He said the last words with his usual calm, nonchalant serenity. He threw Kasey a helpless smile, and then returned to watching the people around them as if the conversation had never taken place.
That was what Kasey had never understood. What he’d never comprehended, what he could never do.
How Alex could appear, bright and warm and wonderful, throw a few smiles and jokes around, be what people needed him to be, and then drop bombs like that. Nothing’s really gonna change. There’s nothing to hide. And then he returned to normal, like his own words, his feelings, didn’t matter more than chitchats about the weather.
Kasey just looked at him.
Nothing’s really gonna change.
Alex had never been one for holding back. He’d never been afraid of what he felt, and at the same time he’d never expected anything in return. He just felt, and loved, in his warm and easy way, without taking or holding anything against him.
Kasey was the reason nothing would change. He knew it in his heart.
He knew it every time someone tried to ask Alex about eventual partners, or dates, hookups even, and he just shrugged and smiled. Nothing significant. Not really my thing.
He knew it every time they met or talked on the phone, and Alex inevitably asked about Natalie, but then he’d stay quiet for a bit.
Alex hurt quietly, and Kasey knew, and hurt even more quietly, and none of them would do anything about it.
Alex loved Kasey. He wouldn’t need to come out if it wasn’t Kasey at his side, simply because he didn’t want another man. So, nothing would really change. And the redhead looked like he didn’t mind.
Kasey could swear he was going to go crazy.
Did he know Kasey loved him back? They’d never spoken about it enough for the goalie to understand it, let alone about Nat’s feelings, or their deep conversations about love and guilt and pain the middle of the night. Did he know they watched all his games, traced his helmet on the screen with their fingers? That they whispered his name, like a secret just for the two of them?
Kasey just looked at him, even if it hurt to stare at a soul that didn’t know how to love without hurting. Or how much love and sleepless nights bore his name.
After a moment of silence too long, Alex must have felt Kasey’s stare on him, because he turned, and his smile softened.
“Oh, Kase, don’t look at me like that. I’m fine, really. I just meant…there’s nothing to notice, you know? But it’s fine.”
Kasey looked at him with pleading eyes, even if he didn’t really know what he needed from him. To stop talking, to stop caring, to stop being so nice about it.
Alex sighed, rolling his eyes back, his expression dropping for a second. He took a breath before wearing his smile again.
“Listen, let’s forget it. I just wanna have a good time with my friend, alright? Haven’t hung out in forever, you and I,” he said, nudging their shoulders together. He paused for a second, before taking another sip. “Hey, what are you doing at the end of the month? You know, after you and your team get your hands on that shiny thing.”
Kasey hurriedly looked around for some wood to knock on, but had to settle for the wooden piles under their feet, forming a path to the pool. He gently tapped one with his shoe a few times, ignoring Alex’s disbelieving scoff, and shrugged.
“Dunno,” he said, a small smile returning to his face. “Nothing planned yet.”
Alex grinned. “Well, in that case,” and Kasey rolled his eyes at the old joke, “I have the house at the Hamptons to myself for, huh, a long time. If you wanna come, with Nat of course, I’d be happy to have you two.”
Kasey looked in the crowd by the pool for Natalie, and found her with her feet in the water, talking to Katie as the she moved her tiny feet energetically, sending splashes all around them. The grip in his throat loosened a bit. He nodded.
“I’ll ask her, but you already know the answer.”
“Great,” Alex grinned, leaving a pat on his shoulder. “I’m gonna go grab another beer, want one?”
Try four or five. “I’m good, thanks.”
He returned the smile as Alex walked away, taking away with him a bit of the warmth in Kasey’s body. He let out a sigh, gulping down too much beer at once, and then looked around for a bit. There was something in spring nights that always made tears burn more as they sat stubbornly still at the corner of his eyes.
He glanced at Natalie again, and realized she’d been looking at him for a while, a frown worrying her brows. He bit the inside of his cheek, maintaining eye contact. He didn’t feel like shaking his head and scrolling it off. He didn’t have it in him, not that night. Not after that conversation. And in all honesty, he was tired of dismissing pain like nothing could scrap him.
So, he just shrugged helplessly and made a discrete hand gesture that meant later. She nodded, not fully convinced. Love you, she mouthed. He mouthed it back, and she finally focused on Katie again when he sent her a little smile—more like an imperceptible raise of a corner of the mouth, but she knew him.
He then glanced at the Cubs, still by the snacks table, where Finn was trying to make Logan dance to the rhythm of a low background song. Tremzy looked like he was protesting, but he let the redhead move them, nevertheless. Leo, leaned on the table, was filming them with a smile of his own.
They looked so happy, Kasey thought, glancing back at Natalie, and then searching for Alex, now chatting with Noelle and Thomas.
Kasey looked at the Cubs again, and then at his girlfriend, and then at the man he loved, and decided there was something he could do. Or at least try. He’d talk to Natalie that night, in the quiet comfort of their bedroom. They would figure something out.
Something could change.