Work Text:
The cold air of January is always comforting; be it the strong breeze from the trees with the bright skies, the snow a beautiful veil despite it's flaws that comes with it—but much more in the nights, the remnants of the holiday still lingering in its wake. It's not fun breathing through your nose as you walk in the cold night with so much struggle, but the beauty of it all could make up for it, one could suppose. What are you even saying anyways?
You were just too thrilled to see your friends again after awhile of being normally busy with the chores of life. Most especially when this set of your friends are mostly an athlete.
Meeting the front of the restaurant you hold dear, it's reminiscing each time. Blurry lights in a photograph, smudged edges. It's home.
It's too much for your heart the second you stepped in the place, that ever familiar noise of theirs, the sight even more. It's been too long but nothing much has changed, it seems. Seeing Osamu and Shinsuke conversing with each other. Then there's Rintarou, Aran, Hinata, Bokuto, Sakusa, and of course--Atsumu.
His noise a music to your heart, making it all more....hurtful.
But a voice pulls you out of it before you could dive deep. A call of your name by Osamu and you immediately beam as he walks out of his counter. "Samu." You muttered so loudly yet soft, nearing to each other and he welcomes your hug always willingly.
"Hi." Osamu greets with a little laugh, taking more of your embrace, letting you fall against him more.
"I've missed you. Too much." You say deeply, face still buried on his neck.
"I know." He says back simply. "It's really been too long." He murmurs, squeezing you once on him before you part from one another a little. Your feet tipped a little to reach him and let your lips pressed a soft kiss on his cheek, making him smile. You barely changed as well. Still as kind and radiating of light, that he knows you always hope to be. Osamu wonders just how much your heart has even grown with the missing presence of his brother. He's anticipating it's gonna be a heavy night for you, and he hopes for his twin will be as well.
It has been too long.
None of them missed the sight of you both reuniting. It takes the Inarizaki boys back to highschool, you being one of their managers that started your bond with them.
With Shinsuke greeting you as well, of course you hug him, too--as the rest of them remains in their table still conversing amongst themselves, with their eyes flying to your direction inevitably, seconds to seconds between that moment.
It's always in the air, wanting to be seen, it has always been, but just there. Too busy to be graced or just.....it's just left there.
But now at last, it's you who's there. You could only hope the same thing wouldn't happen to you. When you've been blessed by a chance. After having long for it so long for you to have the will to accept it.
When you and Shinsuke were done, you finally let your eyes go directly to them, seeing their knowing gazes they don't bother to hide and with their little smiles--and seeing his own; barely smiling.
Your feet almost moved to move towards them and just throw yourself to hug him. But you didn't. Embarrassment crawling in you knowing they all saw through that.
There was a time when you didn't—when you never hesitated to jump in for his embrace. Never a time when you didn't relish each one. A time when he welcomed you with open arms. A time when you both couldn't shut up when together.
And there now you only sit at a distance from them. The toll of your kept strain beginning to loom behind you. It's been too long. Seeing him again had held your heart too much of happiness that it pained it.
Sitting besides Kita and in front of Osamu, a bare shield for the meantime as you wish there's an inevitability of light in the cage you yourself keep in.
Where did the time go?
It could and does happen to anyone, time separating one from another. Once I thought the future with him. I think the world of him still. Not once I thought that it'll be fleeting, to fade away slowly, to hurt me rapidly. I was too deep in each moment when I was with them, there with him.
Blissfully ignorant of the unknown paths that coud lead to an end.
I should have seen it coming, I know, that much I realized. Because before then, beneath in me, I felt an outsider despite I was welcomed.
Walls too rocky to be climbed.
It wasn't a surprise anymore when the distance did part us, few specific and common barriers to have him drift away.
And I was left there, staring at a burning haven, powerless to save it. His absence a raging fire and I then dared try to at least salvage what I can but the water just drowned me.
Memories of what once was too beautiful.
Absence does make the heart grow fonder. Because that's what happened to me. Fonder and fonder as I let my own to linger in the past I allowed myself to delve too deep.
Loneliness. What a foolish tragedy I pierced upon me.
Yet how could I blame myself too much?.
That damn idiot wiped my tears away. He listened to me no matter how many times I needed it. He annoyed me so much.
He was my friend. He'll always be to me.
I hope I am to him still.
It's defeaning to sit here as I take in their noise, waiting for something. Anything.
Never have they heard such silence so loud.
To say that it was disheartening and amusing Osamu would be an understatement.
He supposes it's time again to step in like he did just before, how he always invited you, always wanted you to go.
But of course, you don't. You couldn't. How could you? Yet with time, once enough is enough, we need to pick ourselves up.
Still, even with gathered strength and composure, you could have never been prepared to see him again. Gone in the merest second.
Am I gonna complain and be a bitch about it inside? Absolutely.
But I'm gonna bear it like I always have been.
To sit there so at ease as you catch up with both your friends, your insides wrenching more and more. The alcohol always nothing but an enabler to all our pain.
How much more could you bear before you finally break?
A question that echoes in the minds of them and well....you.
Prayers being heard not longer too soon. There comes the man of the night to go sit besides Shinsuke. You never felt more lonely with him so close to you again. Everything threatens to mute and erase around you, but you forced yourself to hear his words, listen and understand what he's saying. Comprehend that he didn't greet you, nor acknowledge your presence.
Bear it once again as you want to at last break.
"I'm sure it's a very serious matter to you, Atsumu." Shinsuke spoke, the bluntness of the former captain everyone are so fond of almost made you laugh.
"It is serious!" Atsumu remarked, despite not looking, you could see him pouting. How is it still possible you could still feel your heart tugging amidst its never ending of hurt; wishing to see that adorable look that pissed you off so much whenever before.
It's adorable, really. The ever proud setter rambling about his crush, not like there's anything new about it. But he argues that this time his infatuation is more serious than his previous ones, the only problem is he was rejected before he could even make a move to start somewhere.
A time when you were one of the ones he rambled to about his crushes.
"Maybe he just doesn't like you." Osamu said simply to his twin, spite always to spite him.
It's just so familiar. You deem it so a miracle you're with them again, to hear them bicker and all. It takes a lot to keep yourself from tears pooling in your eyes.
Atsumu is in the middle of his yapping to defend himself and still bickering with Osamu. Then you don't miss the second Osamu's eyes darting to Shinsuke, the said man doesn't as well, as a second later he excuses himself to go to the bathroom. You curse quietly to yourself, it seems that the younger twin did his grace now.
You wish to blame it on the alcohol but one could never could, can we?
It's only you when you at last spoke.
"You're so loved, Atsumu." There you go. You might as well see through to it finally and give you whatever peace it could reach you. "You're so loved."
Suddenly it was quiet, your words lingering. He's now looking at you. There's not enough in you to see him right now. Time is moving while everyone is not.
Osamu remains standing there behind his counter with his back now turned around, a gentle yet somehow still having that smugness in his loving smile.
About time his twin finally shut his damn mouth.
Each scene in his mind, you're there. You were always there. Always there for him. You who always called for his attention to listen to the teacher when he's not listening. You who gave the notes to Osamu. You who always gave him a piece of your food. You who always screamed at the top of your lungs in their games. You who never failed to ease Shinsuke's workload because of the volleyball team.
There for them. For him. There for them. For him. There for them.
For him. For him. For him. For him.
And suddenly everyone's mind is reeling of moments of their bonds with one another. It's one of the wonders of sports. You're in one moment and suddenly you're not as you take yourself everywhere. A glimpse of time.
While you're still there. You want to flee. You want to hold him. You want to die. You want to live--you finally look at him. Your chin on your knuckles. After so long, you see him again so clearly, it's unreal after he haunted you many times in your dreams. Those brown eyes of his, his long eyelashes and thick eyebrows, the freckles across from one cheek to the other.
Times remain unmoving as you stare at each other. You don't know what he's thinking, there's so much softness in his gaze, a melancholic awe, a saddened disbelief of realization. Tears fell from your eyes as you blink. "I missed you." Barely a breath of your voice against the crisp silence. "I miss you." You managed to utter.
After saying those words for so many times to everyone and anything but him, after finally finding the will to say it to him.
You just break.
_______________________
And if you missed a day, there was always the next,
and if you missed a year, it didn’t matter,
the hills weren’t going anywhere,
the thyme and rosemary kept coming back,
the sun kept rising, the bushes kept bearing fruit—
Sunrise, Louise Gluck