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Setting the scene:
It was a night Alec would never forget in his whole life when he met Magnus Bane, High Warlock of Brooklyn for the first time during the birthday party Magnus was hosting for his cat Chairman Meow during the first book of 'The Mortal Instruments' series 'City of Bones'. After being winked at by Magnus, Alec was pulled out of Magnus’s apartment by Jace and we later see him (through Clary’s eyes) getting questioned by Isabelle about meeting Magnus. As readers we are left wondering what Isabelle and Alec discuss on their way back to the institute, how Alec feels about meeting Magnus and the obvious interest Magnus had shown towards him. This story sets out to maybe provide an answer to some of these questions.
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“I should have gone with Jace!” Alec protested when he and Izzy got onto the subway and were headed back to the institute. They had not bothered to glamour themselves as they would not really stand out among the usual party folks of New York during a Friday night - or rather an early Saturday morning. The train was full and it seemed people were still trying to find the next cool party to attend. This only added to Alec’s general annoyance. He checked the train map and at what station they needed to change in order to get to the institute. Alec basically knew the New York subway map by heart but it was always better to be safe than sorry. He took a quick look around at the party people riding the subway with them, slightly screwed up his nose and sat down next to Izzy crossing his arms in front of his chest.
He noticed Izzy only quickly glancing up at him but not saying a word. It took her another two stops to regain her voice, but when she did Alec actually would have liked it much better if she hadn’t. “Why don’t you give it a try?”
Alec noticed, she spoke rather softly so that no other passenger on the train could overhear them, not that anyone seemed interested in what they were discussing. But just from the way Izzy had dropped the tone of her usually energetic voice Alec knew what she was referring to. Still as he was already annoyed, he would not make it easy for her especially since she knew he really did not want to talk about that.
“I don’t know what you are referring to.” He said sternly and kept staring through the dark window on the other side.
Apparently Isabelle chose to ignore his reply as she said: “I think he actually liked you.”
Alec closed his eyes for a quick moment and quietly sighed. When he opened them again he looked straight into Izzy’s face, through the reflection of the window. He had not noticed their reflections before but now he could see that Izzy was watching him intently. Alec made a face at her through the reflection and Izzy grinned.
“I think Simon really likes you.” He countered but Izzy just smiled at him through the window and winked, just like Magnus Bane had at the end of the party. It was clear she would not let go and the way back to the institute was too long to just give her the silent treatment.
“It was a joke!” He finally said and could not believe that on the one hand – again – he gave in to his little sister and on the other they would be having a conversation through the reflection of a subway window. She just shook her head at him. He leaned his own slightly to the side and frowned at her.
“You heard what he said. It was no pleasure to meet us, what he did then was…” He tried to find the right words but Izzy interrupted him.
“You mean, when he winked at YOU!” She grinned at him and Alec growled.
“What I wanted to say… he was clearly playing with us and the wink…” he stopped himself from saying that he just picked the weakest link in the chain. “… was definitely a joke.” He said instead and would have liked to leave it at that but once Izzy had locked jaws in a topic she would not let go so easily.
“Still… why not go to him and find out? Why not call him out on that?” She raised her eyebrows at him, pressing her lips together. Alec smiled at the cute face his sister made, making her look 12 again trying to get her way with Jace and himself.
“Why do you always try to set me up with guys that barely even look at me?” Alec peered into her eyes through the glass but Izzy looked down when she said:
“Because Jace definitely loves girls!” Alec could feel the color of his face changing, he inhaled sharply and turned his gaze away from her, his breathing agitated. He did not look at her when he said:
“This has nothing to do with that.” He was angry and he let Izzy feel it.
“Alec… I…” She tried but Alec would not let her. He could feel her eyes on him, but he did not turn to her again. The next moment the train stopped at a station, Alec got up and left the subway. He had no idea where he was, but he would walk the rest of the way to the institute rather than going with his sister right now.
He quickly headed up the stairs from the subway, not even looking at any of the signs, Izzy’s words still ringing in his ears. Outside he turned around, looked at the tall buildings around him, quickly orienting himself and then started to walk, hands in his pockets, his head down. Alec followed the street, there was no need for him to look up as he could just not get lost anywhere in New York. He knew the streets like the back of his own hand, they had patrolled them more times than he could count and during cool summer nights just like this one, they would always walk back to the institute together. ‘They’ usually meant Jace, Izzy and himself.
Alec always found it relaxing to walk back to the institute during the night, especially after a long patrol. There were not that many people around anymore, not that the streets were ever empty, the streets of New York were probably never really empty but much less people chose to walk, less crowds blocking their way, less eyes watching them, or as he sometimes thought, watching him. He liked the way the street lamps illuminated the buildings and how the windows were shining, combined with the many colors of the billboards and advertisements that lit up New York during the night. He loved how peaceful and quiet New York could become especially during the very early morning, as if the city was holding its breath before the start of next day.
During one of those nights when they had been on their way to the institute Izzy ambushed him. She had probably figured out that he was more relaxed during those walks and more susceptible - or less guarded for that matter - for her advances. It was three years ago, Jace had hung back flirting with some girl, when Izzy had confronted him about liking boys. Well… not directly but she had talked so much about how cool she thought girls were that liked girls or guys that liked guys, on repeat, for straight 30 minutes, not changing the subject once, basically just counting all the things she liked about gay couples until Alec had been so annoyed, that he had told her to stop and from the way he was growling at her for the rest of the night they had both silently agreed that she was in on Alec’s secret.
Since then whenever Izzy felt the need to bring up the subject again, she had chosen their walks back to the institute when they were out of earshot from Jace, which happened often enough as he had the talent of picking up girls on their way back from patrols. Alec understood that Shadowhunters often died young and for them everything started rather early but there were time he wished Jace would take a break when he heard yet another and often much older girl giggling behind them. Like this Izzy and Jace had sometimes really tested his nerves, as he needed to fight off questions from Izzy on the one side and tried blocking out Jace talking in his supposedly ‘sexy voice’ to the girls on the other. Even though he was annoyed with his sister right now, he often enjoyed their strolls through the night together and just as if she had heard his thoughts:
“Hey big brother…!” Alec glanced to the side not looking up and kept walking as Izzy fell into step next to him. “I followed you off the train.” She said and Alec could hear the grin in her voice.
“I can see that and also I could hear your footsteps from a mile back. Have you not learned anything during your training!” He scoffed at her but Izzy did not really seem to mind.
“Picking up where we left off…” She said and Alec sighed audibly this time.
“I thought me running off the train…” Alec began but now Izzy interrupted him.
“I heard you before, but now it’s my turn to speak. You say, not asking Magnus Bane out on a date has nothing to do with Jace, fine! Prove it!” She finished blatantly while they walked past several townhouses in a rather nice looking neighborhood.
Alec stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and looked at her, Izzy just confidently grinned at him. “Why should I ask a guy out on a date who is not interested in me? What does that prove?” He hoped his look was guarded enough so his sister would not see right through him again. Alec searched her face and tried to understand where she would be going with this. He rolled his eyes and continued walking, Izzy followed.
“For one thing it would prove that you are at least open to the possibility of dating someone, even if it would not be that Magnus guy and it would also prove that you are not pining for Jace just to secretly hide behind that thing you tell yourself you feel for him.” Alec chose not to reply to this right now as this was dangerously drifting into a direction again he really did not want to talk about.
“Also you keep saying that Magnus is not interested in you. Does that mean you are interested in him and would just not ask him out because you think he does not like you?” She still had that confident tone in her voice as if she had come up with a strategy while she followed him from the subway.
“I did not say that!” Alec replied and was quiet again mulling her words.
In a big gesture Izzy raised her arms in the air in exasperation. “Seriously… what is with guys and feelings?!” She said loudly and Alec looked around to check if someone was close.
“We just don’t feel the need to constantly talk about them, like girls!” He replied and from the corner of his eyes saw Izzy making a face at him.
“But talking about them sometimes would really help, you know?!” She replied and then both fell silent for a while, walking in peace and quiet just the way Alec liked it. But her words did not let him go and were going around in his head. She had to understand that this had nothing to do with Jace, nothing at all.
“This really has nothing to do with Jace!” He tried again but Izzy just snorted.
“If you say so.” Alec looked at her but she chose to look straight ahead not even slightly turning her head.
“Clary is no good for Jace.” Alec had no idea where this was coming from and why his sister always seemed to have this effect on him.
Izzy snorted again and glanced up to her big brother. “With your standards, no one will ever be good enough for Jace. Which actually brings us back to this…” she made a circle gesture with her hand. “having everything to do with Jace!”
“Why can I not just be concerned for my brother and parabatai? Why do you always need to make more out of it?” He got angry again and they still had a while to walk and no subway close by.
“Because you are telling me, Jace and your willingness to date have nothing whatsoever to do with each other, but funny enough Jace always seems to be the reason why you don’t do it.” They stared at each other for a moment, glaring into each other’s eyes while avoiding a fire hydrant on the street. Alec moved his head first.
“Since Clary is here, Jace has turned into this needy dog and all he is doing is running after her. It seems when he is with her he stops thinking with his brain and just follows his…” he paused and glanced at his sister. “you know what I mean.” Alec saw her trying not to laugh but continued. “With that behavior he is not just risking his own safety, but his standing within the Clave, our family name as well as our reputation in the Clave and all that for a girl he barely even knows.” Alec was serious but he could hear Izzy giggle.
“When has Jace ever done anything else?” Izzy was laughing now. “You and I know hundreds of examples of stupid things he has done to impress some girl, this has not changed.” Izzy said, trying to calm herself down again, while Alec watched her. He waited for her to be calm again before he continued.
“This is different. I know you can see it just as much as I can. She is different.” Even though he did not want to, his voice got a little softer when he said that and hoped Izzy did not notice, but from the corner of his eyes he could see her glancing up.
Izzy was serious again when she said: “I know and yes, I see that as well… but Alec, this will be good for him. Clary could be good for him… despite everything she is a good girl, smart, beautiful, a Shadowhunter.” Alec gave her a look and Izzy got quiet.
“I know…” Izzy started again, while they quickly crossed a larger street on their way. “you are annoyed with her because she is part of us now even though she had no Shadowhunter training, I know you are annoyed with her because she is dictating our actions and next steps even though all she cares about is finding her mother and I also know that you are annoyed with her for how little she knows about our world and rules but is happy to break them all in one go. I know all that… everything you have worked for so hard and she just comes in and pulls everything down. But look at Jace when they are together, look how much he has already changed during those few couple of days. She is able to give him something that obviously he never really got from us.” Alec looked at her again but this time he was sure Izzy could see the glimpse of sadness in his eyes.
Judging from her pitying look, she had definitely seen it and started frowning at him. “Please… and now tell me again with your most sincere voice that this has absolutely nothing to do with Jace.” Alec was grateful that she did not add the words she was probably thinking, because he was not even sure he could deny being just a bit jealous of Clary.
Alec sighed as they strolled into a small park. “I just want him to be safe.”
“Yes, that and he should just always stay with you, so you may never be forced to actually venture out yourself…” Izzy paused and it seemed she took in a breath. “You are only afraid that you will get rejected once you open up to someone, that’s why you don’t ask Magnus Bane out.” She finished and sounded a bit proud for actually saying it.
Alec rolled his eyes again but was mulling over those words in his mind again. It took him a while to reply. “Why should I ever try to be happy or to be with someone I like if the Clave won’t allow it, if our parents will never allow it, if these kinds of people, well… my kind of people… are constantly made fun of in our own home! I’d rather die alone…” This was the moment Izzy jumped in front of him and stopped him grabbing him by the arms. They were standing in the middle of this small park. Even in the darkness Alec could see her eyes glaring at him.
“You want to know why?” Alec knew he should probably not answer right now. “Because you are the best big brother a sister could wish for, you are kind and strong and beautiful and you deserve to be happy! And I will not rest until you are as happy as you should be no matter what our parents, or the Clave or anyone says! You are my big brother and I love you and I will always fight for you and your happiness just as much as you always fight for me and Jace! That’s why!” Tears started streaming down her face, as she broke away from him again and continued walking. Alec could see how she was wiping the tears off her face.
Alec was stunned and stood there for a moment just staring after her. He was not used to those emotional outbursts from his sister. His heart was pounding heavy in his chest and he clenched his teeth, breathing away some tears that tried to form in his eyes. After another moment he started following her again. She was already at the exit of the park when he closed up to her. A quick turn from her head showed him she knew he was there. They walked in silence for a while before Izzy found her voice again.
“So… will you ask Magnus out on a date now?” Alec sighed loudly again but could not cover his smile, she would just not let go.
“I told you, Izzy… he’s not interested in me.” She turned to him and through the streetlights highlighting her face he could see her puffy red eyes.
“What do you draw that opinion from, because he winked at you to go away?” Alec stared at her surprised about the sarcasm and now it was his turn to make a face.
“Why would a powerful warlock that hosts birthday parties for his cat in his penthouse in Brooklyn be interested in me?” He asked her but was sure Izzy could always come up with a thousand reasons. But instead she just said looking at him blankly:
“You really don’t give yourself much credit, do you? He winked at you and told you to call him.” Alec did not know why they needed to discuss this over and over again.
“Izzy… it was a joke, he did not mean it.” Alec could see the frustration in her eyes.
“You honestly believe that, don’t you? You either never see how guys are looking at you or you don’t want to see it. Which brings us back to you being afraid.” They stopped at a red light even though no car was anywhere in sight. Izzy turned to Alec and crossed her arms in front of her.
“I am not afraid!” Alec replied and did the same gesture.
Izzy tilted her head to the side and smiled at him. “Really? You are scared shitless, Alec! You are afraid that once you show someone how you feel, they will reject you. You should be a bit more like Jace in that matter… if that happens you just move on to the next.” The traffic light had already turned green but Alec was still looking at her.
“I am not Jace…!” He simply said and Izzy sighed.
“I know and believe me, this is a good thing. You are perfect the way you are but you do need to leave your own comfort zone every now and then! Please ask Magnus Bane out! For me!” In that moment Alec watched his sister turn into that 12 year old, cute little girl again making heart eyes at her older brothers. “Please…!” She also made her voice sound just like all these years ago, when she was able to twist them around her little finger with this look.
Alec frowned again, turned away from her and started walking across the street even though the light had turned red already. But still there was no car in sight at all. Izzy followed him, basically bouncing and Alec just asked himself how could she always be so sure that she had won the argument. But he basically knew how when he heard himself say:
“Izzy, if he truly would be interested in me, I would, gladly… I would ask him out, I promise… but he is not, I am telling you for the 100th time. He is not, the wink and the ‘call me’ was a joke and you are the only one who did not understand that!” He kept staring ahead ignoring his sister grinning.
“This is a promise you will have to keep, I hope you are aware of that.” She replied completely ignoring his words.
Alec sighed again but he had practically dug his own grave now so he needed to lie down in it as well. “Sure… I’d love to since I am the only one that knows this will never happen…” Alec was spared the reply as they reached the institute and while Izzy was still grinning, they walked the rest of the way in silence.
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Back at the institute Alec had not even bothered waiting for the elevator but had turned and went straight for the stairway. He took two steps at a time and reached the main floor. Thank the angel the elevator was old and took its time. He was in his room before Isabelle was probably even out of that old thing. He locked the door behind him, walked over to his bed and let himself fall onto it, face forward. He lay there for a second before he pulled himself up, turned around and sat up, leaning against the headrest. Alec stared into his dimly lit room, he had not bothered turning any lights on. There was enough illumination from the city outside and maybe Isabelle would leave him alone when she thought he had gone straight to bed. They had talked enough for one night, even Izzy should be aware of that.
Alec sat in his bed, crossing his arms and stared into his room. He did not like to admit it but Izzy had stirred something in him. Her words, their conversation on their way back did not seem to leave him so easily this time. It was true, before Clary their lives were clear, structured, law-abiding and straightforward. Everyone had their roles and their place, they would go patrolling together, they would train together, they would clean their weapons together. Alec would hang out with Jace, doing their stuff and having fun, not being bothered by some girl that turned Jace into a puppy-eyed fool that was only thinking with his dick!
Alec thought about the events of the night and Jace leaving with Clary to go back to Magnus Bane’s apartment searching for Simon. If Clary had not been there, it would have been he who would have gone with Jace. Well, he thought… if not for Clary, they would have probably not even been at that party to begin with, it would have been a normal Friday with them patrolling, hanging out, having dinner together and then just doing whatever they would be doing. Sometimes during those quiet moments Alec had wondered if this was going to be his life, sitting in the weapons room with Jace on a Saturday evening cleaning their weapons. But since Clary has come into their lives she seemed to have answered this question for him. In some maybe not so distant future it would only be Alec sitting in the weapons room on a Saturday night cleaning his weapons.
Jace would be out, probably meeting his girlfriend while Izzy would be touring the bars and clubs having fun, sooner or later probably also meeting the boy of her dreams. Alec did not hold it against them, this was the natural turn of events for two people that were as easily outgoing as them and whose future happiness was not already doomed before it had even started. Alec thought about Izzy's words during their walk home and he wished it would be that easy for him to be happy. Suddenly an image of Jace appeared in his mind, them training together, joking around and laughing, touring the city together with Izzy and just being comfortable in each other's presence. Comfortable and familiar. Alec knew Jace, knew how to handle him and his moods, knew what things he liked and what was important to him, Alec knew how he could – to a certain extent - be himself around him. Alec tried picturing Jace with a girlfriend but no image really seemed to manifest in his mind. Instead Clary came into view and Alec could see the way Jace looked at her. He sighed and shook his head, annoyance spreading through him again. If there was one thing he hated more than anything it was change, especially drastic, fast, irreversible change.
He leaned his head back against the headrest and closed his eyes. The events of the evening had left him wide awake and there was no way he could go to bed any time soon. He tried to breathe calmly, deep breaths in and out, just as Hodge had taught them one time: “Take deep breaths, clear your mind, focus your thoughts, be aware of everything that is happening around you, with every further breath feel your own heartbeat slow down and sense how your body calms.” Alec followed Hodge's words, he could hear him in his mind as if he was standing right next to him now. But instead of peace of mind and calmness, Alec’s mind transferred him back to the party and to the High Warlock of Brooklyn standing in his apartment, winking at him.
Alec's eyes flew open and he could feel his heart beating a little faster. In his mind hovered an image of Magnus Bane looking at him. Those piercing golden eyes, the way he had noticed him and later during the conversation how his gaze had met his and had lingered on him. Alec could say with certainty that he never met anyone like this High Warlock of Brooklyn. From his clothes, his general style, his hair and all the glitter to the rings on his fingers, the way he spoke and the way he acted. Even though Jace had laughed when Magnus had called himself ‘magnificent’, Alec really could not find a word that described the High Warlock of Brooklyn better or imagine a person that suited this term better than Magnus Bane. He seemed to be someone that was at peace with who he is and had no problem showing it. Alec admired that as he seemed to represent everything that Alec could not and would probably never be.
Still, Alec wondered why Magnus Bane had picked him. Why pay attention to him, why look at him with those fascinating eyes, why make that joke at Alec’s expense before they left? Why all that when there was Jace in the room, everyone was always interested in Jace. Handsome guys like Magnus Bane with their tall and slim muscular bodies, their broad shoulders and flat stomachs were always interested in Jace. Alec remembered the moment they had all gone into Magnus’s bedroom and while Magnus leaned against his door his shirt had rode up a little, exposing that small piece of uncovered skin. Alec had seen it and quickly looked away again, hiding his blush and hoping the others had not paid attention to him. Wait…
Alec straightened up in his bed. Had he really just thought that Magnus Bane was handsome? Alec sighed again, he should probably stop talking to Izzy for a while as she always turned him into an emotional, ‘thinking too much’ kind of mess. He leaned back and closed his eyes, trying Hodge’s method again to clear his mind. And while his breathing tried to slow down his mind kept spinning around Magnus Bane. Exasperated Alec opened his eyes again, what was going on with him now? There had been other guys he had been drawn to before, visitors to the institute, men on the street, sometimes even men on billboards, magazines or posters. He had overcome his childish daydreams and moved on, why should this be any different now? And as if she was standing in his room right now he could hear Izzy’s voice in his head: “Because he is the first one that is actually also interested in you!”
Alec clenched his hands into fists, annoyed with himself and his own thoughts, he got up from his bed and went over to his bathroom, maybe taking a cold shower would shut his own mind up. He was not a teenager anymore, getting a hard on just because he saw a beautiful guy on a billboard. These days he lived in the reality and in this reality guys like Magnus Bane were not interested in him, he needed to deal with that and move on. And while he shut the door to his bathroom, getting ready to take a shower, Alec wondered deep down if he wanted to be right about Magnus Bane or if he actually secretly hoped to be proven wrong. No matter what it was, he knew he was probably never ever going to find out what Magnus Bane truly thought about him.
- The End -
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Continue reading in the books:
Next appearance of Alec: 'City of Bones' from the book series 'The Mortal Instruments' chapter 16 – Clary and Jace return to the institute