Work Text:
Dejiko was alone in her office, smoking a pipe. She was thinking about things noir detectives do. Like murder and mysteries, casinos and money. And women I guess. She leant back into her chair.
"I sure do love thinking about murder and mysteries and casinos and money. And women. Nyo." she said mysteriously, in a weird translatlantic accent.
She took a long drag from her smoking pipe. She was waiting for her next client to barge in, and beg for her help, even though she was a private investigator. She glanced towards her door, then went back to thinking about the aforementioned murder and mysteries, casinos and money. And women.
Suddenly, a tall lady stumbled into her office. She looked about 15 years old, her hair purplish pink and disheveled, her eyes glancing about wildly. Finally, her eyes landed on Dejiko. She scrambled towards Dejiko's desk.
"Please sir ma'am, you simply must help me! Something terrible had happened, and I shall never recover from such a tragedy!" she pleaded, tears starting to prick her eyes.
"Calm down doll, let's not get so worked up. Now, could you please tell me what happened so I can help you? Nyo."
The purple haired lady stared at her, and took a deep breath to regain her composure. She opened her mouth.
"DEJIKO, YOU WAKE UP RIGHT THIS INSTANT, YOU SCRUFFY FELINE!"
"Huh?"
"I'VE BEEN WORKING MY EARS OFF, SLAVING AWAY, JUST TO FIND YOU SLEEPING IN THE JOB? YOU ABSOLUTE.....!"
Oh. Now Dejiko understood. She was dreaming. She woke up.
"Muhhh...nooo..I definitely was not asleep nyo. I was just blinking nyo."
Usada rolled her eyes.
"I would give you a piece of my mind, but I'm pretty sure that animal abuse is illegal round here. Or maybe just annoying butt-ugly broccoli head abuse is. Doesn't matter anyway....spoiled brat...." she muttered as she stalked away.
Dejiko frowned. She was enjoying her dream very much. Stupid Usada just had to ruin it...grrrrr....! Dejiko thought about commiting mass genocide again, but then she remembered she died the last time she did that. She slumped into her chair. She almost reached for her pipe (which was really just a blunt) before she remembered she wasn't allowed to get high on the job. She frowned some more. If she had cigarettes instead, she could smoke without getting high. She would only get lung cancer. Dejiko decided to stop thinking and get back to her work.
After her nine hour shift was over, Dejiko decided to go out instead of just collapse onto her bed, because she was out of food. She scraped some coins out of her piggy bank and went out.
"Doot doot doot" she hummed, on the way to the convenience store. She strolled in, and made her way to the really gross food isle.
Wow! she thought, They have all my favourite foods nyo!
She walked out the store, her bag filled with really gross food. All of a sudden some guys in uniform leapt onto her and handcuffed her. Dejiko was tooken by surprise.
"GRAHHH?! WHAT THE BUTT ARE YOU DOING NYO!?" she wailed.
"We've had our eyes on you for a while...but today you've finally confirmed our suspicions." one of the uniformed men said.
Dejiko was confused.
"Wait a minute...are you the police? PLEASE RELEASE ME! THAT FANFICTION WRITTEN BY THAT ONE FREAK DOESN'T COUNT! I DIDN'T ACTUALLY KILL ANYONE OUT OF BOREDOM I'M INNOCENT NYOOOO!!!" she cried.
"Actually, that's not entirely true," said the male. Dejiko stopped wailing to hear what the man had to say.
"We are... THE YAOI POLICE!!!"
Dejiko started to cry again.
"PLEASE! I HAVENT HAD ANY YAOI ON MY PERSON SINCE THE LAST TIME NYO! IM MORE THAN 2 DECADES CLEAN NYO! LAST TIME I EVEN THOUGHT ANOUT YAOI WAS WHEN Y2K WAS STILL RELEVANT NYO!"
"Oh yeah," smirked the Yaoi police officer, "then what about all the yaoi items you're holding right now?"
Dejiko glanced down at all her gross food. Yaoi items? She turned her head round to see the store she bought them from. Her face contorted in horror. At the start of the signboard, a post-it note which read REGULAR had fell off. The signboard now read YAOI CONVENIENCE STORE.
"Now, little lady, we're going to have to take you to the station for some questioning." Hope your ready!"
"NYOOOOOOO!!"
AT THE STATION
Dejiko was sitting in the spare jail cell they had for yaoi users in the station. She was very annoyed and upset. Out of nowhere, the guard opened her jail cell and beckoned her out.
"You're free to go." he said.?
"?"
"Someone bailed you out."
Dejiko turned to look at who the someone was. It was Puchiko.
"OH PUCHIKO! YOU ARE THE SWEETEST SISTER EVER! THANK YOU FOR BAILING ME OUT NYO!"
"You owe me 25000¥ nyu." she replied.
"Of course, my dear sister Puchiko nyo!"
Dejiko dug around in her pocket and handed her a milk dud with a piece of lint stuck to it. Puchiko narrowed her eyes at her.
As they made their way out of the police station, Dejiko overheard a conversation happening between two of the officers. She overheard the use of the word....
"THEY?! I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE THE YAOI POLICE NYO?"
"Well yeah, we are, but pronouns don't fall under yaoi anymore." they/them replied.
Dejiko was stunned. She thought about all the times she had been arrested for reading yaoi. Yaoi that were pronoun'd. Was the new generation not going to experience this? The struggle? We're they going to use this as a loophole? Dejiko was so deep in thought, she couldn't move. Puchiko had to wheel her out.
They both got back to the GAMERS store and got up to their room. Dejiko couldn't sleep sleep that night. She kept thinking. Thinking about pronouns. She was going to get them darn pronouns under control! She was going to create....