Archive of Our Own ^beta

The crowd cheered as the ADA scored another touchdown. It was now 41-35 with ten seconds left on the clock. The anticipation was electric in the air. The crowd fell silent as the next play was initiated. The PM QB, Nakahara Chuuya, was winding up to throw the ball until one of the linebackers, Dazai Osamu, ran into him by accident, ending up on top of the QB. Dazai had scrunched his eyes from the hit, and when he opened them he was surprised to see a chocolate brown and ocean blue eye staring right back. His breath quickly came to a halt as he stared at the other. A pink blush slowly formed on Chuuyas cheeks, creating a gorgeous contrast between his eyes and rosy cheeks. The clock ran down to zero and the crowd roared. The ADA hadn’t won against the PM in years! The screams of the crowd were deafening as the players of ADA celebrated loudly, but the two couldn’t hear any of it. They were lost in their own world, trying to figure out what to do. The teams swarmed onto the field and one of the ADA members, Atsushi, hoisted Dazai up from the ground and excitedly hugged him. Dazai didn’t react and was still staring at Chuuya with confusion and wonder. Chuuya had quickly gotten up off the ground after Dazai and ran into the locker room. Dazai stood in awe as his teammates congratulated each other. What the fuck just happened? He was absolutely dumbfounded. What the actual fuck was that?? He shook his head and walked into his own locker room. He went to his locker and took his uniform off, careful to not disturb the bandages wrapping his skin. He changed into his regular clothes, a simple sweatshirt and pants, grabbed his bag and left before the coach could come give that congratulatory speech he gives after their every win. Walking along the empty streets of Tokyo was almost surreal. Atleast, it was before he remembered that he forgot where he was staying the next two days. He checked his phone for the location, okay, only two blocks down that’s not too bad. While walking to his destination he began to think about earlier events again. What was that? Why did that petit QB freeze up? Dazai didn’t have an answer for any of the questions. Apparently he was thinking for quite a while, for he almost passed the hotel. He backtracked and walked into the hotel and checked into his room. The lady at the front desk didn’t even seem alive at this point, eyebags stretched down her face and white hair pulled back tightly into a bun. It was an interesting sight. He smiled at her when she gave him his room key but he got no response. He checked the keycard; room 2383. He found a nearby elevator and entered, thankful that there wasn’t anyone in it. He clicked the button for floor 23 and the elevator began its journey up. Arriving on the floor, he exited and walked down the long, silent hallway. Eventually finding the room, he pulled out the card and scanned it. The keycard scanner beeped and he opened the door, only to see another duffel bag and hear the shower running. He was confused and slightly on edge but then remembered that he was rooming with Chuuya. Oh shit. He was rooming with Chuuya. After what happened on the field this was going to be incredibly awkward. The shower turned off and he could hear the ginger shuffling around in the bathroom. Dazai quickly moved into the room and set his stuff down in the bed. There was only one bed. What? Dazai stood in disbelief, he’d rather commit suicide alone than sleep in the same bed as that slug. He heard the click of a door opening and looked up to see the hatrack.
“HAH?! SHITTY DAZAI WHAT’RE YOU DOING HERE?!” He shouted, and also seemingly forgetting that they had booked this room together. He had only a towel around his waist. Dazai could see near everything. His breath caught in his throat as he scanned the redheads body. He had chiseled abs, and pale, unblemished skin. It was a beautiful sight. Dazai could feel himself heating up and quickly tried to grab ahold of his emotions. He watched Chuuya walk to his duffel, then he rummaged around in his bag for his skin care and hairbrush. He looked back at Dazai, who was still staring.
“STOP STARING YA WASTE-OF-BANDAGES!” Dazai snapped out of his trance but not soon enough to dodge the object thrown at him. Chuuya threw a shirt at Dazai with violent force. He immediately fell backwards, as the shirt did hit him in the face. He rubbed his nose and wiped the blood from it. Wait. Why was he bleeding??
“Slug… did you put something in that shirt…?”
He heard Chuuya snicker evilly.
“What did you put in that thing??” Dazai reached for the shirt and found that it was heavier than expected. He unwrapped it and found a fucking HAIRBRUSH inside. Dazais jaw dropped; an astonished look appeared on his face.
“Chuuya… Chuuya, how dare you hurt my beautiful face! How am I to get a maiden who will commit suicide with me now?” He said, whining.
“Shut UP you tacky bastard.” Chuuya replied sharply, rolling his eyes so hard he ought to be blind.
Dazai shrugged with a smirk on his face. “Whatever you say, chibi~”
Dazai plopped into the bed and placed his hands behind his head. Chuuya scoffed at him and headed into the bathroom once more. From there, the rest of the evening was uncharacteristically quiet.

After taking a shower himself, Dazai spent a while mindlessly scrolling on his phone. He was practically asleep when he felt a shift in weight on the bed. His neck snapped over to the source only to find Chuuya shifting into a comfortable position under the covers.
“The slug wants to sleep next to me?!” He said, feigning astonishment and joy. Although, his cheeks were a bit pink.
“Dickhead.” He yawned.
Dazai smiled, amused. “So mean~”
Chuuya groaned and covered his ears with his pillow. This only made Dazai want to annoy him more. He crawled over to him and quickly snatched the pillow away. Chuuya shot up incredibly quickly, giving the brunette a death glare.
“Mackerel,” He said dangerously, “Give. It. Back.”
Dazai merely chuckled, “Chibi’s gonna have to make me~!”
Chuuya grumbled and tried to grab the pillow, although he was unsuccessful as Dazai lifted it up and back. He lunged forward to try and grab at it again, but again, he was unsuccessful. Although the turnout this time was a little more awkward, Dazai had fallen backwards onto his back and Chuuya had fallen forward onto him because of a loss of balance. Although it was awkward, that didn’t stop Chuuya from grabbing at the pillow again, causing him to crawl along Dazai’s body. His hand pushed into his chest for balance and one of his legs was wrapped around the other's waist. The stubborn redhead tried yet again at grabbing the pillow, although this time he was successful.
“Hah! Take that wasting-bandage-bastard!” Chuuya said spitefully, he looked down to see the mackerel directly under him, eyes aglow with something he hadn’t seen in a long time.
“Uh… mackerel?” Chuuya questioned.
Dazai blinked, “..huh?” The way he was staring at Chuuya had him fidgety. His normal siren eyes had turned to doe eyes and his eyes. His eyes. They were alive, shining so brightly. He looked so pretty, brown hair spread about in the bed sheets, cheeks slightly flushed with pink. Ethereal bastard.
“Ya gonna keep staring?”
That seemed to snap Dazai out of his thoughts, “What?” He looked momentarily confused or perhaps even flustered, as though Chuuya had caught him doing something he didn’t want him to know. He took a moment to gather his thoughts before he responded, “Why would I stare at a slug?” For that, he got punched in the stomach, which had him sputtering and coughing for a bit. Chuuya almost felt bad. Almost. But with that punch, Chuuya’s brain finally decided to realize the position they were in. Chuuya was on top of Dazai, his legs straddling the others' waist. He was sitting on top of his stomach, his right hand holding the pillow off to the side and his left was on Dazai’s chest. Dazai hadn’t even noticed the position until Chuuya had made a noise, a small squeak if you will. Embarrassed by the sound that he made, his cheeks lit up in red and he quickly covered his mouth.
Dazai laughed at him, “What was that, slug? Embarrassed by the position that you initiated?”
Chuuya looked at the wall next to them, “Shut up…” He mumbled. He slid off of Dazai’s lap and sat on the bed. His cheeks were still pink, although they were no longer matching his hair. Chuuya stared at Dazai for a minute before flopping backwards onto the bed. Dazai was confused for a moment, but then followed suit with Chuuya and laid down next to him, propping his head up with his hand. Chuuya turned his head and looked at the smug bastard. For a moment, all they did was stare at each other; each other's eyes like a window into their thoughts. If only the windows were open, though. It got really awkward very quickly, that was when Dazai made the executive decision and cracked a joke.
“You know Chuuya… if I were to commit suicide,”
“HAH?! Where’d that come from, mackerel?!” Chuuya cut in.
“It’s my dream, you know! If I were to do a lonely single suicide then we could do cover it up with something fool proof!”
“Which is?”
“A homicide!”
Chuuya gritted his teeth and a vein popped on his temple. “Stupid waste-of-bandages bastard!” He punched at Dazai, and then it turned into a brawl.

After ending up with several bruises and probably scratches, Dazai had just relaxed on the couch next to the bed. A few hours had passed since their tussle, and Dazai just wanted to sleep. He sat up and began to open his mouth to tell Chuuya that he was going to bed, but he stopped just before a sound could be made. On the bed, Chuuya was peacefully sleeping away. His red hair perfectly framing his face, it curling around his neck and cheeks so nicely. Despite his mouth being ajar and a bit of drool spilling out, he still looked divine. Dazai exhaled a breath he didn’t know he was holding, “Hmm…” He hummed dreamily. He laid down next to the the sleeping redhead and stared at the ceiling for a while, listening to Chuuya’s rhythmic breathing. Soon enough, his eyes fluttered shut.

The following morning, Chuuya awoke to an uncomfortable warmth around his body. He opened his eyes slightly and saw someone incredibly close. Then he felt arms around his body, that’s when his instincts kicked in. He pushed the body away and nearly clobbered it until he realized that the body was Dazai. He took a deep breath and started to calm down, but then he saw the brunette's eyelashes flutter. He went into panic mode. He quickly grabbed the covers and pulled them up to his chin, and then he got ready to kick Dazai out of the bed.
Dazai rubbed his eyes and opened them a crack. He nearly jumped out of the sheets. Well, if there were sheets. He was currently falling off the bed. He felt something hit his ass and he fell off completely. Hitting the floor with a loud THUMP! He quickly determined the cause of injury. It was Chuuya. Chuuya, the one currently in the middle of the bed, and the one with a leg poised in a position that was suspiciously like a kick.
“Really, slug?” He asked, unamused. But clearly, the redhead was, for he snickered and cracked an evil smirk.
“That’s what you get for stealing my pillow yesterday, bandage-for-brains.” Okay, excuse made.
“Chibi, why’re you so mean to me…,” The other said, fake pouting.
“Bloody hell dumbass…” He rolled over on the bed and seemingly tried to go back to sleep. Dazai snickered and leapt up. He waltzed into the bathroom and started a shower. Chuuyas' head whirled with thoughts. What? No. How? How did they end up like that? His face was heating up just at the thought of earlier. He shimmied underneath the covers even more and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to block out the memories of the morning.

Later that day, dazai was meeting up with his fellow teammates to celebrate the last game of the season. By the time they actually got their dinner, all of them were flat drunk.
“Hey Dazai- hic” Yosano’s words slurred. “You sure hang out with that redhead from the PM a lot…”
“Hm…” Dazai tapped his chin, his cheeks rosy with alcohol. “I guess I do.”
“He in love with you? I couldn’t stand being around you as much as he is.”
Dazai stopped in his tracks. Did Chuuya love him? What a dumb question. Of course he didn’t, chuuya hates his guts. “That’s a dumb accusation. He doesn’t.” Dazai said with a bite.
“Hah! Well, you should make him fall in love with you.”
“Why would I do that??”
“I’ll give you 10,000 yen. (roughly 70 usd)”
“Deal.”

Practically tripping over his own feet, Dazai walked into his hotel room. Clumsily taking off his shoes and coat at the door, he wobbled to the bed. Chuuya was lying there already, reading a book called Poems of Days Past.
“Shitty Dazai what are you-” He was cut off abruptly when Dazai plummeted onto the bed, causing Chuuya to bounce. “Dazai- Dazai are you drunk?”
“No… no Chibi I’m not drunk.” Chuuya rolled his eyes so hard one would think his eyes would’ve gotten stuck. “Shut up you lying bastard. You are drunk, you reek of alcohol.” He sighed.
“No,” he said, dragging out the vowel, “that’s just your wine.”
“That doesn’t make any sense, mackerel.”
“Ya know Chuuya… Yosano dared me to make you fall in love with me~”
“Haaaah?! Why the fuck would she do that?”
“Cuz she thinks you’re in love with meee- hic”
Chuuya stopped breathing, how did she know? He thought he hid it so well. This stupid bastard.
“What the fuck.”
“That’s what I thought! But then she offered me 10,000 yen and I was like, “Sure!” I mean why not? I could buy some really nice rope with that money!”
Chuuya facepalmed. “Are you… are you gonna go through with the idea?” Strain hinted its way into his voice.
“Hmm… I don’t know yet..” Dazai yawned.
The sound of hushed snores filled the room.
“Wha- did you just fall asleep!?” Chuuya said in disbelief. “Whatever…” Chuuya said quietly. Thoughts about their conversation flooded his head. Was Dazai going to go through with it? Was his own heart going to get hurt? Should he just leave now so he doesn’t have to suffer this hell? Chuuya shook his head and rubbed his temple. He can’t leave, no matter how much he wants to, he just can’t. He can’t leave Dazai behind. He can't leave. He sighed deeply and tried to read his book again.

It was the last day they were spending in Tokyo before heading home, and Dazai didn’t know what to do.
“So, Chibi, what do you want to do?”
“What makes you think I’ll be spending my day with you, Mackerel?” Chuuya snapped.
“So mean~”
There was a bit of silence before Chuuya spoke up again.
“Let’s go to a cafe.” Chuuya said, checking his phone.
“You just said you didn’t want to spend the day with me, hypocrite.”
“I can leave, ungrateful creeton.”
“No,” He said, dragging out the “o”. “Chibi don’t leave~”
“Then shut up and follow me.”
Dazai hummed and walked alongside Chuuya.

Arriving at the cafe, Dazai grabbed the door handle and propped it open for the other. Chuuya gave him a skeptical eye but walked through nonetheless. He ordered a cappuccino with an extra shot of espresso and Dazai just got black. Walking out of the cafe, dazai opened the door yet again for Chuuya, and he got another suspicious look. The bustle of the city filled their ears as they walked down the pavement. Dazai leaned down and whispered something into chuuya’s ear. The latters cheeks turned a dusty pink and his eyes went slightly wider. He pushed the fish away with an eye roll. The other smirked, almost knowingly. Their next destination was a clothing store. The fashion in Tokyo is high end, so this was Chuuya’s idea. The redhead paraded around the store until he came across a hat. The hat was a black silk with a red ribbon tied at the base. It was rather basic, but Chuuya quite liked it. Usually, he would only wear beanies or baseball caps, but this one was different.
“Huh… 5,000 yen (33 USD)…? Not too bad.” He grabbed the hat off the shelf and went to check out. Dazai had been trailing behind him like a lost puppy the entire time, and only now did he speak up.
“You want that hat?” He asked bitterly.
“Yes, fuckface. You have a problem with that?” Chuuya glared threateningly at him.
“It’s just an ugly hat, that’s all I’m saying.” Dazai raised his hands defensively.
“HAAAH?! You dare to try and diminish my fashion sense?! At least I don’t wear the same three hoodies a week!” Chuuya snapped. Dazai looked at him as though he was hurt.
“How dare you Chuuya..” he said falsely, “At least I’m not short!”
The redhead seethed with anger. He quickly went up to the checkout line, paid for the hat, and then exited with Dazai at his heel. Dazai was slightly concerned that he had actually hurt the latter’s feelings.
“Chuuya?-” He was quickly interrupted by a punch to the gut and a kick to the balls. He crumpled to the floor in agony.
“Ah… C-Chuuya’s so mean…” he said, stuttering from the pain.
Chuuya humph’d and sat down on a bench nearby, waiting for Dazai to recover.

They spent the entire day with each other. From getting food to wandering aimlessly about, they stayed by the others’ side. It was about 10:00PM when the two entered a bar.
“A cup of whiskey and red wine, please!” Dazai said to the bartender.
Once they got their drinks, they began to chat.

Only on his second glass, Chuuya was already starting to feel woozy.
“Ugh…” he rubbed his head.
Dazai looked at him with amusement. “I knew you were a lightweight but damn! You haven’t even finished your second glass yet!”
“Shut… shutdap…” His words curled around the wine glass at his lips. Dazai chuckled and took another drink.

It was one in the morning before either of them even thought about leaving the bar. The bartender eventually kicked them out because of how black out drunk they were. As they wobbled down the empty streets, they would occasionally bump into each other. They talked nonsense to fill the silence, although it didn’t work well; their conversation died down until it was silent again. Dazai sighed and looked at the redhead with stars in his eyes. The shorter returned the gaze but stopped walking. Dazai noticed this and stopped walking as well, like a dog with its owner. Chuuya tried walking again but instead he stumbled into Dazai, who luckily still had enough common sense to catch him. Landing in an awkward position, the ginger took a moment to regain his footing, and stayed leaning against him for a bit. His soft breathing was warm against the brunette's neck. It was driving him crazy. Growing impatient, he shoved the latter against a wall in an alleyway, Dazai looked at him through half-open eyes. Chuuya stared at him, his eyes alive with thrill and dare. He stared at Dazai, fixating on every little twitch or flash of emotion that went across his face. Dazai leaned closer and tilted his head. Chuuyas arms wrapped themselves around the neck of the taller. Dazais hands found Chuuya’s waist and grabbed ahold of it, as though he never wanted to let go. The ginger advanced to where they could feel each other's breath against their lips. Dazai closed the gap and kissed Chuuya, it was only a small peck, but it invited more. The kissing soon turned feverish and craving. Hands roaming the others body, Dazai pulled away from the kiss to admire his handiwork. Chuuya was a mess. His lips and cheeks were pink and his hair was messy. A beautiful mess. Chuuya rolled his eyes and grabbed Dazai’s collar, pulling him down and kissing him again. It was frantic, it was yearning, it was everything. Dazai pulled away from the kiss once more but quickly went down to the latters neck and licked a trail from the base to the corner of his jaw. A gasp escaped Chuuya; his hand clamped down on his mouth to prevent another. Dazai smiled at the reaction and kissed the chibis neck. Eliciting yet another small noise from Chuuya. He tightened his hold on the brunette's neck, pressing his body into him. Chuuya whimpered and tugged at the brunette's hair. He looked towards the road and just in time to catch a young woman staring at them. His cheeks deepened in color as he watched the woman scurry off, she also having a pink face.
“Daz-” He was cut off abruptly by Dazai shoving his tongue into his mouth. Chuuya moaned softly as Dazai explored every surface in his mouth. He ran his hand up into the mess of brown hair and twirled it around his fingers. His other hand grabbed a hold of the slender, bandaged neck. He let his fingers dance along the sensitive skin. He felt (and heard) Dazai sigh into the kiss. He pulled away and rested his forehead against Chuuya’s. Their breathing synchronized as they relished in the other's presence. Then they felt a bit of rain land on their heads.
“Huh… we should head to the hotel.” Dazai said, looking up at the sky. He stepped back from Chuuya and waited for him. The ginger stumbled but regained balance quickly, then the duo quickly headed to their hotel.

When they arrived, they found the same receptionist that Dazai had seen when he first checked in. Dazai waved at her again, although he was tugged by Chuuya. Impatient little slug. He followed Chuuya into the elevator, too distracted by the pretty ginger to notice the old lady staring at them from her desk with a smile on her face. By the time the two starstruck love birds got out of the elevator, they could barely keep their hands off of each other. Walking, or rather staggering down the hallway to their room, little pecks or touches were made. Dazai clumsily grabbed the keycard out his pocket and scanned it, the machine beeped and they opened the door. Closing it frantically behind him, Chuuya grabbed the mackerel and kissed him. Dazai kicked off his shoes and shook off his coat, leaving the items strewn about on the floor. Chuuya took off his extra garments as well, and in a frenzy, seized Dazai again and kissed him, also simultaneously forcing him backwards to the bed. Chuuya got on top of him and straddled his hips. He leaned down and kissed the brunette whilst letting a hand roam his body. Dazai moaned into the kiss and squeezed his eyes shut. His own hands found themselves entangled in the uneven hair of Chuuya, who was sliding his hand into Dazai’s pants.
“Ngh… Chuuya…” Dazai whimpered. Chuuya gave him an amused grin and undid the others' pants. He leaned down and kissed Dazai in a hot, lustful fashion. Dazai moaned and felt his skin tingle at the sensations. Chuuya continued stripping Dazai until he was down to his boxers. Chuuya stopped for a moment and sat straight and examined Dazai. He ran a hand over his chest and brushed over the faint outlines of abs. He watched as Dazai squirmed underneath his touch, making small noises here and there. His expression was indifferent, it was almost like he was zoning out, so focused on what actions or places made Dazai blush or make the loudest noises. He grazed one of his nipples and Dazai let out a shocked gasp. This snapped Chuuya out of his daze. “…oh?” He caressed the other's nipple again and he reacted nearly the same way, if not even more so. “Oh?” Chuuya said more confidently. “Are you sensitive there…?” He rubbed it and watched as Dazai’s back arched into the touch. “Ngh…!” A fascinated look crossed Chuuya’s face. He had never seen Dazai be this way before, it was… exhilarating. He moved his hand down further and teased the elastic band of Dazai’s boxers. He looked to Dazai for a hint of expression for permission, but all he saw was an expression of lust. All his face read was ‘please’. Chuuya smirked and slid the shorts off the others body. Chuuya slipped his shirt off over his head and took off his pants quite quickly. He placed his hands on either side of Dazai and kissed him. He shoved his tongue into the other's mouth before reaching downward. He tranced Dazai’s hole and watched his reaction. Dazai’s expression twisted into dazed pleasure. “Chuuya,… Chuuya what are you-! Ah-!” Dazai’s back arched as Chuuya shoved a finger into his hole. Dazai felt a weird, tingly feeling in his stomach. It was foreign, but it felt amazing. “Ngh! Ch-Chuuya!” Chuuya added another finger and fastened the pace. “Ah! Mm~! C-Chuuya!~ Chuuya s-slow down-!” Dazai's back arched further, his skin had become flushed and was searing hot everywhere Chuuya touched him. His body felt so odd, but not in a bad way. He felt amazing, he didn’t know how it could get better than this. Chuuya added a third finger. “Hngh~!” Drool ran down his chin and out the sides of his lips. His mouth hung open and his breath was ragged; his cheeks were flushed. Chuuya stared at him in wonder, his fingers were coated in wet, acting as lube in a way. Then he remembered that they needed lube. “Oi Dazai, do you have lube?”
“Yeah… it’s… it’s in my bag.” Dazai panted. Chuuya moved away and quickly grabbed
the lube. Taking his place behind Dazai once again. He poured some into his hand and started to rub it on.
“C-Chuuya..?”
“Mm?” Chuuya looked up at Dazai, “you don’t want it?”
“N-no…I do..,”
“Hm, very well then…” Chuuya leaned up and kissed Dazai tenderly before slowly easing his way into Dazai.
“Fuck… ah you’re still so tight, mn…” Chuuya groaned. Chuuya slammed into Dazai, making him moan in pain and pleasure. His back arched and his dick was dripping with precum. “Ah- fuck Chuuya… Chuuya it hurts…~!” Chuuya slowly dragged himself out of Dazai at a near painfully pleasurable pace. Once he was nearly all the way out, he shoved his length back into Dazai all the way until his hips connected with Dazai’s ass, creating a low slapping noise. “Ngh-! Ah-!? C-Chuuya-!” Dazai screamed, his cock twitched and he was practically shaking with pleasure. The feeling of a man being inside of him was so foreign, but he didn’t dislike it, in fact, he wanted to do this again, but only if it were Chuuya. Dazai reached up and grabbed Chuuya’s shoulders, bringing him down and connected their lips. The kiss was sloppy and feverish, the both of them too stuck in their own heads of pleasure to even put focus on the kiss. Chuuya kept thrusting in and out of Dazai, until he hit the spot. Oh. Oh. “Ah! Hngh~!” Dazai saw stars, his back arched into chuuya, who was still looming over him. His eyes snapped open and mouth was ajar. “Chu- ah! Ch-Chuuya, I.. I'm gonna hngh~!” Dazai’s moans poured out of his mouth and filled the room, overpowering Chuuya’s small, controlled groans. Although, at Dazai’s comment, Chuuya pulled out of Dazai and had a wicked smirk on his face. “Chuuya..?” He panted slightly, “Chuuya what’re you… what’re you doing?” Chuuya just stared at him, a mischievous look in his eye. Chuuya brought down his hand and tranced Dazai’s faint abs, taking extra care to graze over the others nipples. Dazai squirmed at the touch, “Chuuya, Chuuya please.” Dazai was begging? This only added to the excitement Chuuya was feeling. “Hm…” Chuuya put on a thinking face, “How about no.” Dazai’s eyes widened, “But… but why?!”
“Because I like seeing you beg. So beg for it.” Chuuya replied simply. Dazai had a dumbfounded look on his face. “You want me,… to beg?”
“Yes.” Chuuya’s face remained unchanged.
“No. Absolutely not.”
“Fine then, have it your way.” Chuuya got up and went over to Dazai’s bag and looked for the bandages he always had with him. “Ah, there they are.” He walked back over with bandages in hand, and started tying it around Dazai’s wrists. He tied it to the metal headboard and admired his work. Dazai, who was usually calm and collected, was a flustered, sweaty mess underneath him. His cheeks were flushed and precum was still dribbling out of his cock, although it had severely lessened at the loss of the pleasure points. His thighs quivered and twitched, the same going for his dick. “Chuuya, what are you doing?”
“Since you won’t beg, this’ll have to satisfy you.” He traced his fingers over the scars on Dazai’s chest. Most of the bandages had been taken off because, well, Chuuya didn’t have an answer for that. The only places that were bandaged currently were Dazai’s neck and wrists. Chuuya’s fingers danced on the inner sides of Dazai’s thighs, tracing scars here and there. “Hm…beautiful…” Chuuya said mindlessly. Dazai’s face shot up in flames at the comment, though. He bit his lip to try and control himself, but it was no use. Chuuya continued lightly caressing countless places on Dazai’s body, not even minding what he so desperately needed. Suddenly, Chuuya leaned up and kissed Dazai. The redhead licked at the others lips, asking for them to open. Like clockwork, they opened almost immediately. He licked against Dazai’s tongue and traced his fingers over the brunette's chest. Chuuya was then graced with a memory from earlier. He rubbed his fingers over an especially sensitive place on Dazai’s chest and watched the scene unfold. His back arched into the touch and he groaned loudly. Chuuya kept rubbing the other’s nipple while going up and licking a trail from the brunette's collar bone to the edge of his jaw.

Dazai woke up the next morning to find a sleeping, scratched up Chuuya. He noticed that his back was particularly sore and in pain. He got up and went to the bathroom. He turned around and was surprised to see what was there. There were bruise marks on his back, and bites and hickeys all over his neck and body. What the hell happened last night? Dazai’s head was swirling with thoughts. What should he do? Should he leave? He didn’t want to leave, but he also didn’t want to be confronted. His ultimate decision was to leave. He gathered his stuff up quickly and before he stopped at the doorway. He took one last look at his Chibi before leaving quickly, so as to not change his mind. He stopped at the elevator entrance and clicked the button to call one. It dinged and he got into the elevator, wanting to get out of the hotel as fast as possible. He didn’t want to see the hurt face of Chuuya, it would be too much.

After several blocks of walking, he finally arrived at the bus stop. Granted he was several hours early, that didn’t matter. He sat down on a bench and waited.

Apparently he had fallen asleep, because the next thing he remembered was Yosano poking him repeatedly.
“Ugh…” he groaned. The sun pierced his eyes when he tried opening them, causing him to close them again. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and yawned.
“Morning, Yosano~” He said, fully aware that it wasn’t morning, likely after twelve, based on the sun's position in the sky.
“Why are you out here? Why aren’t you in your hotel?”
“…”
Yosano sighed, “What did you do?”
“…I walked out.”
“Why would you do that?!”
“Uh… Chibi and I had some… events happen last night… and I decided that I didn’t want to be confronted with it~!” He sang.
“Events? What could’ve happened if you didn’t want to talk about the morning following…… Oh. Oh.”
A moment of silence followed her words. Dazai looked at her skeptically. Then he sighed, “Yeah…” He rested his head on the bench back.
Yosano took a deep sigh, “You seriously messed up, leaving like that…”
“I,” Dazai paused, carefully calculating his next words. “I would prefer to not.. talk about it.”

“Alright everybody! Start loading onto the bus!” The coach yelled.
The noise of shuffling feet was heard almost immediately. Once on the bus and in a seat alone, (thank the gods). He popped in his earbuds but didn’t turn any music on. He wanted to think. Should he have left Chuuya? He sighed and leaned against the bus window. The buzzing of engine that translated throughout the bus rattling his skull. He just wanted to sleep. He pulled away from the window and leaned his head back into the seat. They weren’t the most comfortable, but they’ll do. He did turn on music, Bloody Mary by Lady Gaga. He eventually dozed off, wanting to try and ignore the events that needed his attention.

Feeling a tapping on his shoulder, Dazai reluctantly opened an eye and found Atsushi standing next to him.
“Dazai-san… we’re home!” He says with a smile.
“Ah, thank you, Atsushi-kun~” Replied Dazai, the tone of light and carefree clashing with his exhausted face.
“..mhm!” Atsushi looked worried. He shouldn’t be worried for a suicidal bastard like me. He’s just wasting his emotions on someone who doesn’t care. He watched Atsushi get off the bus before even moving to grab his stuff. He saw his phone had several texts from Chuuya. Even though his heart told him to reply, his brain knew that he couldn’t. Not with the way he left things, not with the way he walked out. Chuuya would never forgive him, or that’s atleast what his brain told him. He shoved his phone into his pocket and trudged off the bus with his luggage in hand.

Arriving home, he threw his bag onto the floor and left his suitcase by the door. He rubbed his neck, still inflamed and itchy from last night. He crawled onto his bed and let his eyes flutter closed. He lay in his bed for a while until he finally decided to check his phone. 2 new messages from “Slug <3”. He chuckled to himself and decided to look at the messages.

DAZAI WHAT THE HELL?!
That was from this morning.

DAZAI ANSWER THE FUCKING OHONE!
PHONE*
heh.

Dazai felt a bit guilty for not replying to his messages, but how was he supposed to respond to them? He hadn’t texted since this morning, which probably means he was now holding a grudge. Maybe he was hoping for an excuse? Or maybe he was hoping this wasn’t like how I left him when we went to college. Dazai sighed and curled into himself, shutting off his phone in the process. He snuggled into his pillow and tried to sleep, wanting to be rid of his burdens.

Over the course of a few days, Dazai’s guilt had grown and grown, and it only worsened when he would occasionally see Chuuya in the streets or on the bus to school. Today was the day that dazai decided to go and find Chuuya, to apologize. He walked to the bus stop in a rush and waited impatiently. What felt like forever, the bus finally arrived. He hopped on and quickly found a seat up front. He wanted to be able to get off in a fast fashion. The ride was only 10 minutes but it felt like hours. He didn’t know quite why he wanted to be there as soon as possible, but he wasn’t going to question it, he could do that later. The bus finally came to a stop where Dazai was getting off. He practically ran out of the bus and all the way to the school. That’s when he heard the faint sound of sirens, he slowed down a bit, so as to not be out of breath when he found Chuuya. He didn’t think much of the sirens, he lived in a big city and it was quite common. Although something that did get him slightly concerned was that the sirens were getting louder the closer he got to Chuuya’s college. He turned right the final time, but instead of the familiar scene of a quiet building with emerald evergreens standing around, he was greeted with a grotesque one. Smoke was pouring out windows on the 4th floor, and a man was being forced into a police car with cuffs around his wrists. There were several students by the ambulance being treated for minor burns. He didn’t see Chuuya, hoping that he was safe. When he walked closer, he could still hear screams and yells from within the building. What a horrible sight. A shape appeared in the flames before the front doors. A fireman, carrying a student. He couldn’t make out who the student was, but his brain was screaming at him that he knew them. He decided he didn’t know them even though every single cell in his body was telling him to run over and cradle the person in his arms. There was no way he was gonna do that. When he looked closer (just to confirm he didn’t know them) he realized that what was on the person's head wasn’t fire. It was hair. Bright, soft, gorgeous ginger hair. His heart dropped. He ran- no, sprinted to the fireman. The fireman looked alarmed to see this twenty-year-old kid just appear. And even more so when the brunette looked absolutely devastated when he saw the boy in his arms.
“Do you know him?”
There was silence to the point where he thought the guy was ignoring him.
“…yes. I do.” Dazai replied.
“Well, kid, you gotta move or this kid,” he softly raised an elbow to signify that the kid was Chuuya. “Isn’t gonna have much longer to live.”
At that comment, Dazai hastily moved out of the way, a look of dread and a bit of an emotion nearing depression. The fireman felt bad for him and tried to console him, “Hey, kid. He’s gonna be alright.” Dazai simply nodded while staring off into space. What happened? How could’ve this happen in the few days that Chuuya and Dazai weren’t talking to each other? Why did this have to happen now? He watched gravely as Chuuya was wheeled into an ambulance, feeling like he was living outside the events that were unfolding before his eyes. He couldn’t stop it. He didn’t have a plan for this, he always had a plan. Not having a plan- this… this is terrifying. What should he do? He doesn’t have a plan. His brain was screaming. It was so loud outside. What can he do? The sirens blared in his ears. He didn’t have a plan. His eyes were bottomless pits of black. What could’ve he done? What could’ve he done that deserved this? He didn’t know. He watched the ambulance void of emotion. He walked back to his apartment in complete silence, even his mind was quiet. He opened the door and walked through. He closed it behind him. He crumpled to the floor and hugged his knees to his chest. He felt wave after wave after wave of emotion coarse through his veins. He buried his face in his knees, afraid of his vulnerability. That’s when he felt something wet seeping through his pant cloth. He lifted his head and saw wet blotches staining the cloth. Where did those come from? He felt something else wet drip from his jaw. What’s happening? Is it raining from inside his house? He brought a hand up to wipe away the substance, but he felt a long trail of wet that led to his eyes. Wait. Was he… crying? He rushed up and went to the bathroom. He saw someone in the reflection. There was no way that was him. He looked like a mess. His eyes were red and bloodshot, his cheeks rosy with emotion. His lips wet and hair disheveled. He watched as more tears ran down his cheeks. Why won’t they stop? He wants them to stop. More made their way down his face. WHY WON’T THEY STOP?! He punched the mirror out of anger. It cracked just a bit, just enough to cut his hand. He watched the blood trickle from his injured knuckles. He looked into the mirror and saw a now broken, distorted reflection.

After showering and gaining a little control over himself again, he sat down on the couch and reached to turn something on. He found a random channel and watched. And watched. And watched. Then the thoughts started flowing into his brain again. It’s okay if there’s not a Chuuya around to talk his ear off about the shitty show he’s watching. It’s okay, because he’ll be okay! Chuuya’s not hurt. Chuuya’s not hurt. Chuuya’s not hurt. He's too strong to be hurt, so he can’t get hurt. He’s just… he’s just sleeping. Yeah. He’s just sleeping. It is late at night, anyway. Tomorrow, they’ll walk to school like any other day and everything will be just fine. He couldn’t deal with these thoughts any longer. He knew Chuuya was just sleeping, so why is he still thinking about it? He got up and grabbed a beer from the fridge and popped it open with the bottle opener magnet he has. He chugged half the bottle before even closing the refrigerator. He wobbled over to the couch and landed on it hard. He didn’t really feel it though, the alcohol already making his insides feel fuzzy and warm. He took another swig and realized it was already almost empty. Damn, he should’ve grabbed more beer. He got up again but this time he grabbed the whole case of beer out, and took the opener with him. He laid down on the couch again and drank his heart away.

He woke up that morning and found bottles upon bottles lying on his floor, table, and couch. His head felt like it had been split open with an ax.
“Ick…” he rubbed his head and sat up. Oh, he shouldn’t have done that. His world spun and he couldn’t see. He felt nauseous. He probably shouldn’t have drank as much as he did last night. He tried to stand, but he just fell back down onto the couch. He sighed and threw his head back to rest on the couch. Then he heard his phone go off. Ah-! Ngh~ Mhm… Ah! Hahh…Ah! Nghh- …Dazai you basta-
“Hmm…” His ringtone was of Chuuya; a very injured Chuuya. Dazai had recorded him to make fun of him, to torture him with the embarrassing sounds he was making. He smiled upon the old memories. Then he was hit with a wave of reality. Chuuya wasn’t here. He wasn’t here and he might not come back. But he’ll be fine. He’ll be just fine. He was pulled out of his world when he heard the phone ring again. He picked it up and answered.
“Dazai-san! Where are you?”

It was Atsushi.

“Hey, Atsushi-kun~! I decided to skip today~ don’t worry about me~!”
“Very well, Dazai-san.”

…

“Dazai-san, are you alright?”

That was sudden.

“Nene Atsushi-kun~ what makes you ask that?”
“I don’t know… your voice is just a little odd-sounding..”
“My voice is just a little horse, you know~!”
“Umm… alright, Dazai-san. Please take care of yourself. Goodbye!”
“Byee!”

Atsushi hung up and Dazai’s demeanor instantly changed. It went from cheerful and preppy to cold and depressed in an instant.
“Hahh…” He placed an arm over his eyes and sat thinking for a moment. Then, he shot up, as though he had had a great idea.
“I should go to the hospital! Then I can see if Chuuya’s doing okay!” Which he is. He threw on a coat and shoes and rushed out of the door.

He got in his daily exercise, for he ran all the way to the bus stop. He got a weird look from the bus driver when he entered out of breath, but who cares. He rode to the closest stop to the hospital and got off quickly. He speed-walked all the way to the entrance. He pushed open the elegant glass doors and waltzed inside. Walking to the front desk, he immediately asked if he could visit Nakahara Chuuya.
“I’m sorry, but unfortunately Mr, Nakahara isn’t taking visitors.” The receptionist said sympathetically.

Drat.

“Could you at least tell me if he’s okay?” He asked hopefully.
“Again, I’m sorry, but unless you’re a family member we cannot tell you. I’m terribly sorry sir.” She looked at him with worried and concerned eyes.
“Say, sir? Are you alright yourself? You look…” she paused, choosing her next words carefully, “You look sick, sir. Very sick. Do you need help?”
Dazai was bewildered by her sudden ask, “Um…” He had to come up with something. “No, I’m just worried for my friend. Sorry to bother you, madam.” He turned sharply on his heel and nearly bolted for the door, leaving the woman in the dust.

Shit. Why couldn’t he see Chuuya? He didn’t care about the “you can’t see him unless you’re a family member” bullshit. He stopped in the middle of the walkway. Wait. Why weren’t they allowing him to see him? Did something happen? Did he not make it? No, that’s absurd! Of course Chuuya’s okay. He entered his apartment and put up his coat. Chuuya’s fine. Chuuya is okay. He went into the bathroom and grasped the counter. He started at himself in the mirror. He could see himself cracking and tearing at the seams already.
“Chuuya is fine.” He dragged out the silence between the words to emphasize its importance. He could see tears welling up, again. Why were there tears? There was nothing to cry about. Chuuya was fine. So why were there tears? He watched a tear run down his cheeks. He tightened his grip on the counter until his knuckles were white. Why was he being so emotional?! He had no reason to be. His control over himself was slipping all because of Chuuya. He punched the mirror, this time shattering it. A glass waterfall poured over the counter. It spewed all over the floor and went into the sink; it went into the drain. His knuckles were bloodied with bits of glass stuck in them. He looked into the mirror and saw a brown, scruffy background in place of his face. There were cracks extending to the edges of the mirror, as though even just a touch would break the fragile state it was in. He sighed and walked out of the bathroom; he stepped on glass, hearing the crunches and cracks underneath his feet. It should hurt, but it doesn’t.

He hadn’t showered in days. Most of his dishes were in the sink, so he didn’t eat. He had large eye bags that were purple in color; his eyes constantly large and empty. He still didn’t know if Chuuya was even alive. He hadn’t been to school since the shooting, he was probably going to have to repeat the year at this rate, but he didn’t care. He didn’t really care about anything, these days. All he wanted to know was if Chuuya was safe or not. He had tried to go to the hospital again early this week, but it was the same lady and she said the same thing. Nothing’s new. He’s pushed away most of his friends, and even though they were worried about him, they decided collectively that they weren’t going to interfere with his life. The only one that had even just a small protest was Atsushi, he said that he knew something was wrong. The others dismissed him and said Dazai seemed fine. So, that was that. The brunette groaned. He sunk deeper into the covers on his bed. He didn’t want to do anything. All he could think about was Chuuya. Chuuya, Chuuya, Chuuya, Chuuya. His name echoed off the walls inside Dazai’s brain. It was your fault that Chuuya got hurt, wasn’t it? Dazai’s eyes widened. You left him that day, if you hadn’t then he’d still be okay. His stomach was twisting itself into a knot. It’s your fault. Dazai covered his ears with a pillow. It’s your fault. You always hurt Chuuya when you’re around him. You’re bad for him. It’s your fault.
“Stop! STOP!” Dazai screeched. He shook his head violently. Was it his fault? It was your fault. It couldn’t have been his fault. Who’s fault was it then? There are no other possible answers. It was your fault. But… but he would never want to hurt Chuuya like that! Yes, you do.
“No! I don’t want to hurt Chuuya!” Desperation seeped into his voice. “Please…” He sobbed but no tears fell. He curled into himself and pulled the covers to his chin.

It’s your fault.

He was so tired. He hadn’t slept in so long. He was living in filth. You’re so gross. Just die already. He sighed and turned in his bed, which he’d been lying in for who knows how long. He sat up and looked at the mirror in front of his bed. You look horrible. You’re so pathetic. His hair was matted to his head, dark circles had formed around his eyes. You could see his cheek bones. Huh. His cheeks were sunken in. He looked dead. He glanced down at the bright white bandages wrapping his oily skin. He had just replaced them yesterday. He could still see the red through all the layers. Pathetic. Dazai grew angry. He threw a pillow at the mirror, although it didn’t do anything. He was so tired. Why can’t you die already? It’s your fault Chuuya’s hurt. Hell, for all we know, he’s dead. Dazai squeezed his eyes shut. You can’t escape reality, Dazai. At least, not anymore. He dragged himself out of bed and went into the bathroom. There was still glass all over the surfaces and floor; he hadn’t bothered to clean it up. He looked through the cabinets until he found Fentanyl. He grabbed the bottle and went to the kitchen. He filled up a dirty glass with shaky hands. He poured so many pills into his hand. Just kill yourself already. It’s what you deserve. He took a sharp breath and popped the pills into his mouth, swallowing them with the water. He dumped the water out and went to sit on the couch. He stared blankly at the TV, only seeing a distorted reflection of himself. He shifted and laid on his back, choosing to look at the white ceiling rather than his disgraceful self. Those few minutes before the pills kicked in were almost… serene. It was interesting, to say the least, knowing that you’ll die soon. URK! He flinched, feeling a sharp jab in his stomach. It was persistent. Slowly, the pains turned from jabs to being constant. His stomach twisted unpleasantly, he knew almost immediately that he was going to vomit. Rushing to the bathroom, he didn’t care about the glass all over the floor, or that it was sticking to his feet and making them bleed. He didn’t care. He opened the lid of the toilet and vomited. He could smell the contents, the smells running and mixing together to create something pungent. He coughed and coughed, hoping that this would end soon, but deep down, he knew that he threw up the pills, he wasn’t going to die. His pain was useless. You’re useless. Can’t even kill yourself correctly. He dry heaved into the toilet. He kept his eyes shut tightly throughout that whole event. Although he opened them, just a crack at the end, it was gross, but he saw the pill capsules littering the mess. He reached up and found the handle, and then flushed. Moving away from the toilet; leaning against the wall. You’re such a disappointment. “Just shut up…” Dazai’s voice sounded drained and harsh. What are you going to do? You have no friends, and the love of your life is dead, because of you. You’re worthless and an eyesore. A pitiful expression made its way onto Dazai’s face. “…just stop. Please.” His voice broke, speaking 1000 words. He laid on the floor for a while after that. He didn’t want to move, to talk, to do anything. It was a fragile state that he was in, the mental wall he had so carefully built over the years was crumbling.

Countless empty pill bottles littered the counters, he had tried so many times, but all of them were in vain. Most, if not all the other pills that he tried, weren't even deadly when you overdose them. A dry sob came from his bathroom room. Dazai had been there practically all day. He didn't know what to do, what was there to do? He didn't know. He usually always knows. But, for once, he didn't know. His intellect hadn't been helping him at all lately, actually. Sighing, he decided to get up and stop pitying himself.

TIME SKIP

It had been months since Chuuya had been admitted into the hospital. He had been in a coma the entire time, and wasn't showing any signs of waking bc up. Although, he had started attending school again. His teammates and classmates had noticed a drastic change in his behavior. From once being constantly happy and loud. He was now depressed and quiet. His teammates had noticed the most change and Atsushi was the only one actually worried about him. Yosano would occasionally check in on him, but Atsushi was the one who really put effort into caring about Dazai. Atsushi watched Dazai sit down in the lecture hall. He looked awful, dirty, and tired. Extremely tired. He decided to get up and chat with Dazai, just to check up on him.
“...um, Dazai-san… How are you doing?” He started. He watched as Dazai slowly turned his head to face atsushi. His eyes were empty, like large saucers resting atop his face. They seemed to go on for miles; an endless void.
“…Dazai-san…?” Atsushi said, quieter than he expected. Was he scared of Dazai? There was no way, I mean, sure, yeah he looks a little frightening, but he should never be scared of Dazai. It’s just… something about the way he was looking at him, it was like Dazai was staring straight through him. It was unsettling…
“Dazai-san? Hello? Are you awake?” He waved a hand in front of Dazai’s face, hoping that he would snap out of the trance-like state he was in. Dazai’s head snapped to face Atsushi, the look in his eyes still there, but he looked more like his old self now. “Whew, Dazai-san you gave me a startle there… Are you alright?” Dazai didn’t say anything, and had a startled expression on his face, as though he had just woken up from a nightmare. “…Dazai-san?”
“Ah-! Sorry.., sorry Atsushi…”
Atsushi had a worried look on his face, “…are you alright, Dazai-san?”
“Of course! Why would you ask that?”
“I don’t know, you’re just acting strange… stranger than usual. Both me and Kunikida are worried about you. For good reason, though! You’re just, you’re just not really here anymore… y’know?”
Dazai sat silently for a moment, unsure on how to answer. “…I don’t see why you guys are worried about me, there’s no point in wasting your time and feelings on me.” Dazai put a finger to his chin and absentmindedly stared at the ceiling. Atsushi was quite shocked to hear him say something so degrading about himself, he knew he was suicidal as a joke. He didn’t think he was actually serious with how unserious he was about the topic. “Dazai-san, are you sure you’re alright?…” His tone was drenched in worry, which only made Dazai feel worse. Why was Atsushi worrying about him? There was no point. He wasn’t a good friend, he barely knew anything about Atsushi, and the other the same about him. Dazai sighed and buried his head in his hands. Just before Dazai could respond, their literature teacher walked in. “Alright everybody, get your books ready. We’re learning about Shakespeare today.”

WARNING: disturbing imagery and animal abuse/murder. Don’t not read if you don’t want to.

Dazai trudged back to his apartment. The only thing keeping him going at this point was the stray cat he had adopted. About two months ago he had found a stray cat on the streets, and decided to take it in. Now the cat is healthy and is very snuggly. He opened the door to his apartment but something felt… off. He saw an extra pair of shoes by the doorway. He walked down the hallway slowly, looking into the crooks and crannies of the place, searching for the person. He saw a blood trail leading into the living room. He felt the hairs on his neck stand up, but there wasn’t anyone there, right? He turned his head to the living room and his stomach plummeted. All he could hear was a deafening ring, one near a screech. He couldn’t breathe. It was like he was drowning, but there wasn't any water. His ‘father’ was standing in the middle of the room, looming over his cat. Why was his cat bloodied? His blood went cold. He watched, almost as though the world was in slow motion. Mori’s leg slowly lifted up. Dazai couldn’t move. He watched in complete horror and shock as Mori’s foot came crashing down on his cat's neck. He heard a sharp shriek from the animal and then nothing. The cat twitched, but its neck had shoe imprints and was flat. Blood oozed out of its squashed muscles. It’s once fiery orange hair turned deep red. “It was a nuisance to you. You did not need it.” Mori said, turning to Dazai. Dazai could feel his facial expression, his eyes were wide in shock and his mouth slightly open. There was a cold sweat sheen that glazed his skin, and he knew he looked pathetic in front of Mori. The older man sat down on the couch nearby, completely disregarding the dead cat. “Dazai, be a doll and clear up that little mess, will you?” Dazai couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, couldn’t do anything. “Dazai. Get rid of the cat.” Mori’s harsh and threatening tone snapped Dazai out of his daze and looked at Mori like a scared child. “Don’t give me that look, doll. Remove the cat.” He crossed his legs and continued, “Don’t act as though you are you, you are mine. A puppet to do my bidings. Now get rid of it.”
“..uhm…yes… yes sir.” He went to the kitchen and grabbed gloves and a trash bag. He headed back to the living room and felt a pit in his stomach. Waves of nausea coursed through him as he knelt down before the cat. “I’m sorry…” he whispered into the air. He picked up the cat's limp body and carefully laid it in the bag. He tied it up and began his walk outside to the garbage bins. He closed the door and nearly fell down. He sank to the floor, using the door as support. He covered his mouth and calmed down. You need to get control over yourself. Dazai took a deep breath and stood up again. He walked down the stairs and stopped in front of the dumpster. He gathered up his courage and threw the cat in.

(If you skipped the previous scene, here is a small summary. Mori killed the cat Dazai had adopted two months prior, and then asked Dazai to dispose of its body.)

Mori had left earlier that morning, but had decided to leave him with unsettling news. Chuuya had been transferred to his hospital. Dazai turned in his bed and weighed the pros and cons. He would get better care, meaning better chances of survival. But mori would be one of his caretakers, and there’s no telling what that man is going to do. He groaned and massaged his head. He should go see Chuuya soon. Dazai sat up and rubbed his face. He was going to see Chuuya today. Well, he hoped he was. The last time he tried to see him he had been denied entrance. Deciding to clean up a bit, he took a quick shower and put on some nicer clothes. Didn’t want to look homeless, after all. Before he left his room, he saw a gleam out of the corner of his eye. It was a small blade, one that would fit in a pencil sharpener. It wouldn’t hurt, after all it was what he deserved. He walked over to the dresser and picked up the blade.
“Hm…. small, and yet still deadly.” He smiled to himself, as the little blade reminded him of someone he knew. Rolling up one of his sleeves, he placed the metal just below the palm of his hand and felt an electric shock of cold shoot up his arm. There he drew a line with the sharp piece of metal. The line was red, and was only wider. He lifted the blade and watched as the blood oozed out of the wound. It curled around his forearm and it met itself on the other side of his arm. He smiled solemnly and made another cut. And another. And another. By the time he was finished, he couldn’t feel his arm. He didn’t bother washing the cuts, he just wrapped fresh bandages around the dozens of cuts and set the blade down upon the dresser once more. It hurt, but not enough. He would continue after his visit to Chuuya. He walked out of his bedroom, expecting to see his ginger cat, but was then hit with the horrific memories of yesterday. He shuddered and swallowed down a wave of nausea. There was still blood on the floor. As was also small ginger hairs on his clothes and the floor. He pushed the details out of his head and walked to the door. It wasn’t until he looked down to open the door that he noticed that his hands were shaking. Just as he was about to open the door, the hospital where Chuuya was staying called. He fumbled his phone in his hands, surprised at the fact that they even knew his number, but then again it was Mori’s hospital. He answered with anxiety, what were they calling for? Was Chuuya not getting better? Or worse, had his Chuuya died? He listened intently to the woman speaking over the phone.
“…chuuya nakahara wishes to see you…” Chuuya wants to see him? He was awake? He was nearly jumping for joy but simultaneously felt a crushing weight bestowed upon him. What if Chuuya wanted to see him to blame him for what happened? Shit.
“Mr. Dazai, sir? Are you still there?”
“Ah-… sorry, miss.” Shit. “When does he want to see me?”
“Today would be preferable, sir.”
“Alright, thank you.” The nurse hung up. What was Dazai going to do? He should go see Chuuya, that would be the best option. He opened the door and walked out of his apartment, leaving his fear and anxiety behind momentarily.

He arrived at the hospital within an hour, although most of it was a blur. He had spent the majority of his trip thinking about how he would talk to Chuuya. His gut twisted in anxiety and something similar to that of nausea. Once he entered the hospital, he nearly collapsed from the nerves that hit him. He wobbled to the front desk and asked the lady for Nakahara Chuuya’s room.
“Are you Dazai Osamu?”
“…yes.”
“Mr. Nakahara’s room is 305.”
“Thank you.” Dazai walked to the elevator and clicked the button to the third floor. Once he exited the elevator, he looked for the fifth room on the floor. He drew in a breath and opened the door. He nearly just left then and there. Chuuya was in the middle of the room hooked up to various machines. It hurt Dazai to know that he did this to his… his what? What was Chuuya to him? Before he could finish his thoughts though, Chuuya opened an eye and looked straight at him, his eye still as blue as ever. “Dazai…?” Chuuya horsily whispered. “Hey… chuuya.”
At Dazai’s response, Chuuya’s eyes lit up and he looked incredibly happy. Why does he look happy? It’s your fault he’s like this, Dazai. Dazai still couldn’t help but feel a little hope that Chuuya wouldn’t blame him. Chuuya excitedly sat up in his bed, “Dazai! You’re late. You were supposed to be here an hour ago.”

…

“Chibi… there wasn’t a set time.”
“And? You’re late. And don’t call me that, stupid mackerel!” Dazai smiled tiredly, at this Chuuya raised a concerned eyebrow. “Mackerel, are you… are you okay? You look more tired than usual…”
“Hm…? Oh it’s nothing… college is just giving me a lot of work right now…” Dazai said, anxious to get the conversation away from himself. Why is this conversation about you?! It should be about the critically injured one in front of you! You’re being so selfish… you don’t even deserve Chuuya. “…b-but enough about me…um, how are you feeling, Chuuya?”
The ginger in question had a flicker of an odd emotion cross his face before returning to normal. “I’m actually doing great! I hope to get out of this hell hole soon…”
“Is that so? Well I’m happy you made a good recovery…”
Chuuya scrunched his eyebrows together, “What’s up with you?? You’re acting so odd… You’ve been out of it this whole visit. Are you sure everything’s okay?”
Dazai was caught off guard by the sudden analysis of his behavior. “Y-yes… I’m just fine.” He checked the time, “I should get going though, my evening classes start soon… I’ll see you on the other side.”
“Okay…? That was a weird way to say goodbye…” Chuuya looked flustered with confusion, but nonetheless said his goodbye to Dazai.

Dazai walked back to the elevator, mulling over his goodbye. Was it too much? Did Chuuya suspect anything? He shook off the pestering thoughts and walked out of the hospital, to the bus stop. He took a deep breath and sighed melodramatically. He hopped on the bus and headed ‘home’.

Trudging up the stairs to his apartment, he ran through his plan once more in his head. He didn’t want to leave, but this was the best option if he didn’t want to hurt anyone else. Finally reaching his apartment, he opened the door to a rusty, metallic smell. It emanated from the bathroom and various places on the floor and walls. The blood from a few days prior was still there. He still couldn’t shake the smell of dead cat from his apartment. He quickly headed to his room to change and gather some preparations. He laid everything out in a careful and orderly fashion. Once everything was set, he headed out to the kitchen and grabbed a paper and pen and began to write. He wrote to the only one he still truly loved, Chuuya.
Once he finished writing, he set the pen down and got up to stick the note to the fridge. The magnet that he picked up was a photo of him and Chuuya from their middle school years, how bittersweet. He sighed and felt a droplet of something land on his chest. He wiped at it but then realized he was crying. “Ah.” He whispered, sorrowful. He didn’t want to leave his Chibi, but this was what was best for him. He got up and headed back to his bedroom. A noose was already prepared and waiting for him on the floor. He had tied the knot a few days ago. He grabbed a chair and hung it around a hook he installed on his ceiling a week ago, knowing full well he would go through with his plan. He gathered himself and placed his head through the loop. He felt a little sad, knowing he would never be able to see Chuuya’s beautiful heterochromic eyes again. He still remembers the first time he has ever seen them, back in middle school. His first meeting with Chuuya, the moment he decided he wanted to be by his side for the rest of his life. Well, times change when you keep hurting the one you love. Finally feeling ready, with tears threatening to break, the brunette whispered, “I’m sorry, Chuuya.” Tears streamed down his face as he kicked the chair out from underneath himself. A loud CRACK! reverberated throughout the apartment and Dazai’s body. His corpse swayed lightly and the impact. The apartment became deathly silent.

Birds chirping could be heard through the windows and walls on the sunny spring morning. Although, the serenity was rudely interrupted when the loud noise of a door being slammed into a wall was heard.
“SHITTY DAZAI WHERE ARE YOU?!” Chuuya Nakahara was greeted with silence. “That stupid mackerel forcing people to look for him…” he grumbled. “Here I am on my first day outta the hospital to see him and he isn’t even… here.” He trailed off when he saw a note on the fridge.
“Weird…” He walked closer and saw the magnet was a picture of him and Dazai from when they were younger.
“What the fuck…?” He pulled the note off and read it.

Dear my beloved Chuuya,

“What the fuck?” Chuuya felt his cheeks heat up at the endearment. “My beloved?”

I know this was probably a bit… unexpected on my part considering our interaction today, but I couldn’t bring myself to be around you any longer.

Wait what. What? “Stupid mackerel, what are you thinking?!” He could feel his heart starting to beat faster out of anxiety for what he feared was the worst.

All I do is cause you pain and suffering and I can’t let myself do that to you no matter how much I don't want to leave you.

Chuuya’s blood was boiling, “IT ISN’T YOUR FAULT YOU STUPID BASTARD!” The ginger felt hot tears well up in his eyes.

It’s my fault for everything that’s happened to you, and I want to apologize.

“Apologize for what?” He said through clenched teeth.

I’m sorry for the pain, the annoyance I know I am, and I’m sorry for that night.

“That night…? Oh. Oh.” Chuuya’s face got hot with embarrassment. But, he also felt a little tinge of guilt and regret. Why was he sorry? Did he not want that to happen? Did he himself regret it?

Sorry I wasn’t there to clear things up, and sorry I was never good enough for you.

“Stupid mackerel always looking down on himself… If anything, I wasn’t good enough for you, Dazai.” He shook his head lightly and saw a tear fall onto the paper. “Ah shit…” he tried to wipe the tears away, but since they kept flowing out, he couldn’t.

These are my last words to you, Chuuya. I love you, and please never forget me.

He let out a small sob and held the paper close to his chest. “Leaving me again, mackerel?” He lightly kissed the paper and whispered into it, “I love you too… my one and only after all…” He turned around the corner and walked down what felt like the excruciatingly long hallway to Dazai’s room. The door was closed, he was almost too scared to open it. Too scared to know the truth. Too scared to find his… his everything dead. Even if he already knew the truth, it still hurt to have it confirmed. He tried to calm himself by taking deep breaths, but it wasn’t working. His hands shook when he went to reach from the doorknob. Barely even being able to turn it with how much his hands were moving, he swung the door open and was utterly defeated at the sight. In the middle of the room, his mackerel was hanging, still as a tree. “Ah…” He said, his voice cracking. “Dazai…?” His voice was getting weaker by the second. He thought he’d be better prepared seeing him like this, but it felt like a bus hit him in the chest. He felt as though he was going to burst into tears if he said anything more. Chuuya slowly moved himself over to the corpse and gently lifted and pulled it out of the noose, cradling him in his arms. “Dazai…” He let out a choked sob, and then they all tumbled out. He cried and wailed over the loss of his first friend, his best friend, his first love, his only love, and his everything. He hugged the corpse with a fragility that made him want to punch someone in the face. It was like he was afraid that if he held any tighter, the body would crumble into dust, leaving nothing of him left. “Stupid mackerel…” He wiped tears off his face in vain. “You didn't even wait for me… stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID!” He sobbed again and hugged the carcass, wanting the limp arms to hold him just one more time.

SMALL TIME SKIP

After Chuuya had found Dazai, he had called 911, he informed them that it was a suicide, and that he had been dead for about a day or two. Now, he sat at Dazai’s funeral, barely even managing to not burst into tears again.
“Mr. Chuuya?” A voice came from behind.
“Hm?” Chuuya responded.
“I’m Atsushi… Do you… remember me?” Atsushi was one of Dazai’s friends. The ones who didn’t do anything to try and help him. “You're one of the little shits that didn’t try to help him?! He was so clearly suffering! How could you not help him!” Chuuya said with anger and despair.
“M-Mr. Chuuya… please, please calm down. We barely ever saw near the end of it, and we couldn’t go and check on him because we didn’t know where he lived… and when we tried to text him and check in, he would just leave it on read… we really couldn’t do anything… he… he wouldn’t allow anyone to help him.” Atsushi explained, himself appearing a little more than just sad.
Chuuya sighed, “Sorry for snapping at you, kid. I just… need to let out some anger…”
Atsushi chuckled solemnly. “Well, um… Mr. Chuuya… I just wanted to say that…um, it isn’t your fault.”

…

“It isn’t your fault.”