Chapter Text
Don't hide your true feelings about somebody, because they will catch up to you at some point. Feelings buried alive don't die – Michael Barbarulo.
He bit the inside of his cheeks, and glared at the pair across from him, swirling his drink in its glass as he watched them. This is why Spencer Reid hated going to clubs with the team. He had to sit and hope that one of his team would keep him company while the others danced, which wouldn't be a problem, only seldom did Rossi and Hotch come out with them, and never to a club. And since Emily went to London, Garcia and JJ only had each other to dance with. Blake didn't have time to come out; her evenings without a case were usually spent preparing material for her lectures in Georgetown. He could never understand how the others who did not want to go out never were badgered into it, but he was always felt forced to go, guilted him into it. It wasn't fair; surely he shouldn't have to come out if he didn't want to.
He hated the feeling of being ignored as the two blondes danced jokingly on the floor. They always invited him out with them, but they knew he hated it; he was too self-conscious for parading around a dance floor making a fool of himself. As for Morgan, he had always surrounded by women, every race and colour throwing themselves at the muscular agent. But shockingly, he had recently taken to one of those girls. She was pretty, actually that was selling her short, she was beautiful, and no one could deny it. Big honey brown eyes, tall for a woman, about 5'8", slender, but with nice curves where they mattered, rich coffee brown hair and caramel coloured skin. Even Garcia thought the beautiful Monica was worthy of her chocolate Adonis. Spencer on the other hand, did not.
He had harboured feelings for Derek for some time. But never really thought much of them, he knew the other man was straight, and he had accepted that. There was nothing he could do about that, just as there was nothing he could do about his own orientation. "We are all unique, which ever gender you love, it's not wrong" his mother had told him the day he had revealed to her that he was attracted to another man, and it made him accept himself nearly immediately, and played a large part in shaping his non-judgemental views of others which aided greatly in his line of work. When Derek had nearly been killed by Foyet two years previous, he realised how much he felt for the other man, but decided that rather than risking their friendship, he'd say nothing. He knew Derek saw him as a brother, and his love as a brother was better than risking it all and ending up with them being distant and awkward, which he calculated there was a ninety-six per cent chance of happening. He couldn't chance it.
But accepting that he could not be with the other man and watching him fawn over some woman were two different things, and Spencer was unsure he could stomach anymore of the latter. He looked at the woman who was making the man he adored smile, and he thought cruel and nasty thoughts about her, most he knew, were completely unfounded and all were out of spite. He didn't know her from Eve, he knew he had no right to think those things of a woman who had never bode him any ill-will, but rational had no place in love. The great romance stories of history, fictional or otherwise proved that, Helen of Troy, Romeo and Juliet, Shah Jahan and Mumtaz Mahal, Cleopatra and Mark Antony. He knew this was nothing like them on the grander scheme of things, but to Spencer Reid it was. He knocked back the rest of his drink and grabbed his satchel.
"Going somewhere Pretty Boy?" Derek asked, looking away from his date to talk to his best friend. Every time Spencer heard that nickname it both made his blood run cold with fear that Derek had realised his feelings, and caused him to go beetroot red as it sent warm shivers down his spine.
"Yeah, I'm pretty tired; I think I'll just head home for the evening. Catch up on a few hours' sleep."
"Not a bad plan, may actually do something similar myself soon enough. Are you alright for a lift?"
"I can get a cab outside."
"Mon, you think you'll be okay for two minutes while I wait outside with Reid? I just want to talk to him for a moment without having to shout over the music."
"Of course. Rush back though, will you?"
Derek smiled wolfishly. "You gonna miss me that much, Beautiful?"
"Maybe." She replied, leaning in for a kiss.
Spencer willed his stomach to not expel its contents all over the two people in front of him. "Well bye." He said awkwardly and walked towards the exit. He never even made for JJ and Garcia to bid them farewell. Derek followed right behind him. "Morgan, I'm not a child, I can wait for a cab by myself."
"I never said you couldn't kid, I genuinely only came out to talk to you for a minute."
"Oh, what's up?"
"Are you alright, you were pretty quiet tonight."
"I'm fine, I just really hate these places, and I most definitely hate being the proverbial third wheel."
"Wait, do you not like Monica?"
"I have no reason to dislike her." Spencer played it safe and did not lie, he knew Derek would see through it, even though they weren't supposed to profile one another, it's not like they are able to turn off something so second nature to them all when they feel like it. "I just don't like sitting staring at a drink because the two people across from me are involved in a personal conversation, in a surrounding I am naturally uncomfortable with."
Derek looked at him guilty. "Shit, sorry man, that wasn't my intention. Honest. It's just I don't like talking work around Monica, it's not exactly a job you can discuss with anyone."
"Who are you telling?" Derek smiled weakly. "You better go back in, you don't want her to be left alone too long, and it's not polite."
"Yeah, you're right, sorry for not being a good friend Kid."
"Morgan, it's not your job to entertain me, besides you know all I rather do is…."
"Sit at home with the new season of Dr. Who that came out on DVD last week and eat your own weight in Lucky Charms cereal?" the other man finished for him.
"We're not supposed to profile one another." Spencer said suspiciously.
"That's not profiling Reid, that's knowing you for nine years."
"Yeah well I better get a cab and you better get back inside. Good night Morgan."
"Night Reid." Spencer didn't look back around to the other agent as he opened the door of the cab and got in.
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"Boy Wonder, what gives? You never even said goodbye last night." Garcia chastised the next day when she saw the young agent.
"Sorry, I was so tired I forgot. I nearly fell asleep at the table." He didn't look at her face; she would think it was out of embarrassment rather than lying to her.
"You better not have driven home."
"No, I got a cab, Morgan will confirm it. Where is he actually?" There was one thing that never sat well with Garcia. A drunk driver had killed her mother and step father, and the thought that any of her close friends doing the same would kill her.
"Maybe he and the lovely Monica forgot the time" suggested JJ. Bile threatened to surge up Spencer's throat at the thought of the beautiful woman in bed with Derek. His lips pursed, his eyebrows scrunched tightly and his fists clenched as jealous surged through him. It's not fair he thought to himself. He would give anything to be the one that Derek went home with last night, to be the one who he woke up next to this morning. His train of thought was interrupted by the arrival of said agent.
"Morgan we were about to send a search party out for you." Rossi's voice came from the older agent's office door.
"My bad man, I had a rough night last night."
"You're sex life is not something the staff of the BAU wish to hear about Morgan." Spencer internally seconded the unit chief's words as Hotch walked past Derek and across the bullpen, not once taking his eyes off the file in his hands.
"Hmm, kinky." Garcia laughed.
"Like I would go around bragging that sort of thing. Nah, my little sister is pregnant and won't tell my Momma who the father is. So I have my older sister on the phone to me most of the night trying to get me to reveal the secrets of profiling and interrogation." He threw his eyes up. "I had to leave the club less than five minutes after Reid left."
Spencer couldn't help the feeling of elation that washed through his body when he heard that the darker agent had not gone home with the lovely Latina. What the hell is wrong with you, he deserves to be happy, just because you have it in your thick skull that you love him does not mean he is not allowed be happy with someone else.
"Hello, Reid? Kid, anyone there?" Spencer was pulled out of his inner monologue to Derek waving his hands in the younger man's face. Spencer gulped and his eye's widened when he realised how close the other man was to him.
"Sorry, what?"
"You okay Kiddo?" Rossi's voice called from behind him. Oh Sweet Science, no, not Rossi. He knew if there was anyone who was going to cop on to his inner turmoil, it was going to be the veteran profiler.
"Yeah, just still tired from the case."
"Reid you left the club at ten-thirty. Your place is a fifteen minute drive from there. What time did you get to sleep at?"
"Past midnight, I think."
"What the hell were you doing?"
"Laundry, getting a fresh go-bag ready, got in some shopping, cleaned up a bit, cooked a few meals to freeze caught up on my mail and looked after my cat."
"Wow, you got all that done, that's impressive." Blake acknowledged.
"Hang on, Reid, since when do you have a cat?" Hotch asked, eyebrows raised.
"Sergio. Prentiss didn't want to have to put him through the quarantine process to bring him to England, so she asked me to take him, since Garcia was going to be gone for two months too."
"I am so minding him when you're on cases by the way." The perky blonde smiled.
"Actually, I'd meant to talk to you about that, I had this made for you." Spencer rummaged around in his desk for a moment and found the key he had gotten made for Garcia, glad to have taken the subject of the conversation off him personally, and hoping that Rossi had become more interested in the new topic of conversation rather than to read more into his moment of awkwardness moments before. "When we're on longer cases you can take him to yours. I don't want Prentiss to think I'm not looking after him."
"It'll be more than my pleasure Junior G-man." the Tech Whizz beamed, taking the key and placing it on a key chain.
"Well now that you're all done with the personal conversations, can you get back to what you are paid to do?" The team looked up to where a stern faced Strauss was standing with a case file in her hand.
"You know Erin; a happy work force is a productive one." Rossi stated snidely.
"Hence why I allowed the conversation to come to a natural end before speaking." The section chief retorted. "Conference room now, all of you."
They all groaned at the thought of what fresh horrors they were about to face.
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Garcia got her wish of looking after Sergio while Spencer and the rest of the team found themselves in Fort Collins Colorado for nearly ten days, and the case was far from over yet. Also budget restrictions had meant the doubling up of agents in their rooms and as usual that meant that Spencer's personal heaven and hell combined of being paired with Derek.
Derek Morgan collapsed onto his hard lumpy hotel mattress after a seventeen hour day scouring around the Rocky Mountain National park. He was exhausted. Spencer was bleary eyed from staring at fourteen different maps of the region. He looked as Derek got off the bed and walked into the small sterile looking bathroom and turned on the shower. He walked out again and went to get fresh underwear from his go-bag. He failed to hear the younger agent sneak into the bathroom while rummaged through his bag. He turned around to find the room empty and the door to the bathroom closed, Spencer could hear the older agent swearing.
"Reid man, I swear if you don't get out here in three seconds I am coming in and taking a shower, I don't care if you're naked, if you're on the toilet or if you're just shaving, I mean it, get out."
"Snooze you lose Morgan, you did it to me three days ago."
"It's not my fault if you don't have the balls to do what I'm about to do, I hope you're not behind the door kid."
"You wouldn't?" Moments later there was a loud crash against the door, but it had not buckled. Spencer knew what the other man was doing, giving him one last chance before he did actually attempt to crash I the door. "Hotch will have your head on a plate if you do damage."
"His own fault for having me share a room with a little twerp like you that goes behind my back and steals the best of the hot water. One last chance, here I come."
Spencer saw red. "Twerp" he knew Derek was joking, he knew his friend would never in this lifetime say anything to intentionally hurt his feelings, but that word suddenly dredged up memories Spencer did everything in his power to place to the back of his never forgetful mind. He opened the door.
"Good choice, umph, Reid what the hell man?" Derek's face went from a victorious grin to pained to confused all in five seconds as Spencer elbowed him in the stomach to get passed him.
"I am not a fucking twerp." He snapped. "Who the hell do you think you are going around saying things like that to me? I am just as much an FBI agent as you are Morgan. I got through the same academy as you so don't go all high and mighty on me." He started to put on some clothes again. The shower continued to pour water, steam slowly making its way out of the confines of the small bathroom.
"Reid, what are you on about? I never said you were any less of an agent than me. If you want a shower that bad man, go on in."
"This isn't about the shower Morgan. And what's the deal with the kid, pretty boy, twerp, and all these other horrible, degrading, demeaning names constantly?"
"Reid, I'm sorry, seriously I would never say anything meant to hurt you, you're my best friend."
"Well act like it, treat me as an equal not as some kid you used bully in school."
"Reid, I never bullied anybody, I told you before, and I was treated like hell in freshman year. I know that big-ass brain of yours remembers. What is this about? Is it me calling you a twerp, because I mean it man, you know I was only messing."
"I am not a twerp." Tears threatened to pour from his eyes, and it took all of two seconds for Derek to notice.
"That was one of the names they called you, in high school, when they…"
"Tied me to the pole in the football field." Spencer finished.
"Reid, Reid, I'm so sorry."
"Just leave me alone Morgan, I don't want your sympathy. I'm sick of the way you treat me. I am a fully grown man not a little boy."
"What do you mean?"
"The way you treat me, constantly looking over my shoulder, always running around trying to stop me from doing anything."
"Reid, I see you as a brother you know that."
"Well I don't see you as mine." And with that he stormed off, leaving a hurt looking Derek in his wake.
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Spencer stood staring at the bedroom door. He had spent the last hour and forty two minutes wandering circles around the vicinity, waiting for Derek to fall asleep before heading back to the room, frightened to deal with the aftermath at the harsh statement he had made to the other man. He opened the door and walked in, groaning internally when he saw a bed side lamp on.
"Reid?"
"No, an Unsub." What the hell am I giving attitude for?
"Can I talk to you? Please."
"About what?" he looked over to the other man in his bed. He bit his lips together and looked at the naked torso of the other man. The strong hard muscles of his chest and abdomen clearly visible. His strong arms seemed tense, large tattoo's covered both of his deltoids. How Spencer wished he could trace his fingers along the lines of those tattoos as they lay together. Get a grip and get out of your head. He chastised internally.
"Reid, what's up? You're my closest friend, closer than I could ever imagine being with anyone else, even Garcia. I always thought we were like brothers, that we always had each other's backs, but you go and say you don't feel like that at all."
"We are." His voice laden with sadness.
"Then what's going on?"
"Nothing to do with you Morgan, I just need to sort myself out a little."
"Hey, don't think that now I'm seeing someone I won't have time for you alright? If you need to talk, I'm here."
"Thanks, but I can't talk to you about this, you have no idea so please just drop it."
Derek just looked at him. He could see the hurt in his friend's eyes. "Sure Pret-Reid, whatever you want."
Spencer walked into the bathroom and shut the door. The way Derek corrected himself from saying Pretty Boy crushed Spencer more than seeing him with that harpy. Spencer loved that nickname, for half a moment he is able to pretend that Derek saw him like he wishes he did. He put on the shower, stripped and stood in. Under the warm cascades of water he sobbed. Even hearing Derek admit to his relationship with the pretty woman hurt more than he thought it possibly could.
Spencer left the shower and dressed in a towel, got his clothes and returned to the bathroom to get dressed. He failed to see Derek face filled with concern. He never realised the older man had heard his gut wrenching sobs as the water washed over him. When he walked back into the room again he noticed Derek's face.
"Reid, if you won't tell me, promise you'll tell someone. You're not okay and don't pretend otherwise." Spencer just nodded, walked over to his bed and got under the covers facing away from his friend.
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The case went on for another three days with nothing substantial, then luckily JJ and Hotch accidently came across evidence in an abandoned truck that caused the team to finally catch the break they needed and get on the Unsubs trail. It took another four days to actually catch him.
The jet ride home was a quiet one; every member of the team was exhausted. JJ was on the phone to Will. She was taking the three days off to be with her son and husband and come hell or high water she was not coming back to work, she was turning off her phone and enjoying her time with her family away from Quantico. She was only breaking the silence of the plane to get Will to pack their things. Rossi was typing into his iPad, writing another chapter of his next book. Blake was working on a lecture, Hotch was catching up on paperwork, and he too was taking a day or two off in hopes of being able to act like a father. Morgan sat with headphones on, music emitting from them at a low level. Usually he would stare out the window at the world passing below them, but tonight and indeed the last few days his attention was completely on the youngest member of the team, and not without reason. In the week since their argument, Spencer had hardly spoken to anyone, usually only to answer questions or if he thought of something relating to the case.
The whole team had noticed the silence, but that wasn't what worried them. The dark circles around the young man's eyes were darker than ever, his skin was nearly translucent and he seemed to be living solely on coffee. When confronted about this, all Spencer would say was he was tired, not hungry, just wanted his own bed. No one could argue that, they had all had cases where they were homesick. The hotel they were staying at was anything but comfortable; Blake had a bruised hip from her mattress. Rossi was like a demon with a toothache because of his bed, Hotch had to put up with over two weeks of Rossi's snoring like an outboard engine, and no one was in a good mood. But Derek knew there was something more, Spencer was avoiding him. Even coming onto the jet this evening, he had waited to see where Derek had seated himself before choosing a seat, which he had chosen as far away from the other agent as possible while not facing him.
Spencer tried as hard as he could not to arouse suspicion but to no avail. He knew the other agent was keeping a very close eye on him, and the close scrutiny meant that as much as he wanted to just try and put it behind him, he couldn't. Several times he nearly snapped again but it wasn't Derek's fault, he knew that, he was blissfully ignorant to the cause of Spencer's turmoil. Why won't he just let it go so I can get on with it?
They departed the jet and every member of the team feared the walk through the BAU in case Strauss was waiting with another case. As it stood she was waiting for them and a groan sounded out throughout the gathering of agents.
"Don't worry, you are going home, and short of a threat to national security, you are not to come in tomorrow."
Rossi did not even make a sound as he turned on his heels and bolted back out the door he just came in.
"Thank you Jesus." Stated Morgan as he turned his head skyward and quickly ran to his office to get his belongings.
"I'm out." JJ took a leaf from Rossi's book and decided that whatever was in her office was not important enough to keep her.
Blake bade Hotch and Spencer farewell as she grabbed her house keys from the locked drawer of her desk before heading out the door. Hotch walked to his office mumbling something about getting paperwork done while Jack was asleep tonight. He arrived back out of it swiftly enough with a few files in his hands and said his goodbyes to Spencer, who was now sitting at his desk being looked at by a perplexed looking Section Chief.
"Dr Reid, did you not hear what I said you are free for this afternoon and the entire day tomorrow?"
"I am aware Ma'am."
"Then why in God's name are you still sitting at your desk here when surely there is somewhere better for you to be?"
"Because there isn't Ma'am, I serve more purpose here than I would anywhere else."
The woman stared at him as he made for a stack of files that were on his desk, opening the first one and began to scan through it. With a look of outright shock on her face she made her way back out of the BAU. Spencer could hear her departure but never looked up from his files.
"Reid man, what are you doing? Get the hell out of here."
"I want to get ahead on my workload."
"Reid, I will drag you out of here kicking and screaming if I have to. This isn't healthy. You need to get out of here before it drags you down. Remember what it did to Gideon."
Spencer paused for a moment at the thought of his old mentor. The sad and self-doubting man he became in the end. He knew his actions were leading the same way. So why couldn't he stop himself.
"I'm not Gideon."
"No, but you will be if you keep this up, and I am not going to let that happen. Come on, let's get a good meal, you can choose the place."
"Thanks Morgan, but I'm not hungry."
"Reid, please, humour me Kid."
"What about Monica? You haven't seen here in two weeks. Shouldn't you be making plans to see her?"
"Monica can wait. I need to spend some time away from this job with my best friend."
"Choosing your friend you've been living in close quarters with or two weeks over a girl, that could be read one of many ways Morgan." He knew what he was doing, this could easily cause Morgan to become annoyed and storm off, further distancing them. But as he looked into the other man's eyes he saw concern.
"Get your ass off that chair and choose somewhere before I choose and you get caught eating a burger as big as that brain of yours Pretty Boy."
"Actually, did you know that the average human brain is 1,130 cubic centimetres and weighs approximately 1,350 grams?" Spencer asked, rising from his chair.
"No, I didn't but I'm glad you do. Nice to see you again kid, we've missed you around here." Derek put his arm around Spencer's shoulder as they walked out of the BAU. Spencer stared at him in puzzlement. "That is the first random fact you have spouted in a week Reid."
"I thought you all hated my random facts."
"I used them to gauge you. The more content you are, the more you say, and the unhappier you are, the less you say."
"I feel like a subject in an experiment."
"So where are we going to eat?"