Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You aren’t sure when it happened.

It feels like a cardinal rule that's metaphorically plastered into every crevice of the universe, has been broken. Really, it's an honest mistake. You can’t be blamed for it.

You’ve managed to do the unthinkable. Stories will be written about your absolute tomfoolery. A debacle for the ages.

You are in love.

With your roommate.

You’re in love with your roommate.

And well.

You have to move right?

Surely you’re breaking some unspoken agreement, something that could get you arrested or kicked out, evicted onto the streets with nothing but a broken heart and a suitcase and a guitar (you don’t have one but it feels right to be thrown out with one) and –

You might be spiraling.

The realization hits you in waves because how could you have not noticed?

It's been 6 days 13 hours and 42 minutes since you found out. It's a miracle you've managed this long without confessing this to someone because your heart and mind are in a race against each other to see which will explode first. 

Chuchu finds you, crouched on the grass and moping. She looks at you for a grand total of 0.5 seconds before she plops herself next to you and lies down.

Secretly you’re glad it's Chuchu. She’s always honest. To a fault really, she’s on the higher end of the rationally chart in your friend group. Maybe telling her will stop your heart rate from spiking.

“I- I might like someone. H-hypothetically” you stammer through and it takes a lot of effort to not spill the name, hit the ground and wail on the grass. You still have some element of secrecy to this you want to maintain. Chuchu was the right choice for this.

Chuchu opens one eye. “Yeah. You’re in love with Miorine”

It isn't even said like a question. 

Chuchu might not have been the best choice for this.

It is a bright sunny afternoon on campus.  Summer break is almost here. And you’re in love with Miorine.

There’s a sob and whine stuck in your throat and you might look like you’re going to cry.

“You’re being dramatic,” Chuchu says, her eyes closed again, lazing on the grass. And well, she’s not completely wrong but this also feels like the biggest crisis to hit you in your twenty years of existence and a bit of crying might be justified. 

You blink rapidly, trying not to burst into tears. You can’t be in love with her. The math has failed to math in your head, one moment you’re smiling at Miorine who’s sitting opposite to you on the couch staring bloody murder at a textbook and the next moment you're frantically packing your books and running out of the living room because your heart is racing and you can’t look her directly without the fear that you’ll start reciting badly articulated poetry about her eyes.

She’s the smartest girl in their batch, she’s funny (in an acquired taste kind a way), she’s kind (in a prickly way), she’s terrible at cooking but tries anyways, she has a tiny garden in their balcony and she’s stubborn and has no stable sleep schedule, she sometimes forgets to eat and she laughs in the cutest way, loud and free and cackle filled, and sometimes when she stands in the middle of the living room in the evening, the sunlight hits in a way her eyes almost sparkle and–

“I’m in love with her” you say, testing out the words on your tongue. You’ve never said it in that exact order and somehow letting it out into the world makes it tangible and real and scary and nice. It is the scariest yet easiest sentence you’ve ever uttered.

Chuchu doesn’t laugh which you're eternally grateful for.

Instead she sits up and eyes her very seriously. “Go tell her then”

You hear a loud high pitched noise until you realize it’s you screaming into your bag.

You can hear Chuchu mutter something before she pulls you out of the bag and glares at you. “You ever think about switching to a theater major?” and this makes you groan harder.

Chuchu in her everlasting patience lets you groan for another minute, until it's time to head to class and you both have to start walking.

She sighs. “You know, I think everyone but you and Miorine herself knows and this isn’t something you need to be embarr–”

“Everyone?! That’s not–” you’ve stopped walking and you’re going to be late and Chuchu is also going to be late but– “ Who else knows?”

Chuchu gives you an incredulous look. “I’m pretty sure even Google Earth satellites have caught on, Suletta.” she says and well. Now you have to move out of your apartment and the planet apparently.

Your shock is warranted you think. You’ve managed to avoid all social gatherings since your discovery and locked yourself in your room whenever Miorine’s in the house and sometimes when avoiding her is something you can’t really manage, you run to the library and hide.

Miorine has been shooting looks at you whenever you actually stand in one place and give her the time to, but it is the last week of classes and you do actually have a mountain of work so you’re confident you’re not being too suspicious.

There’s a gentle thump on your back as Chuchu walks in front of you and turns around to face you as she walks. “Are you embarrassed about this?” she asks and there is no sarcasm or typical Chuchu fire and that makes you pause to answer.

Embarrassment… isn’t the right word. 

Anxious? Yes.

A little sweaty? Of course.

Terrified? Absolutely.

But embarrassed?  No, not really.

Because it's Miorine. 

Miorine, who finds a song she likes and has to play it on loop until she can’t stand it anymore. Miorine, who will never admit to actually liking animal cookies but will finish every packet that you slip into her snack drawer. Miorine, who ends up falling asleep on the couch on the days you’re late from your part-time job. Miorine, who’s never never been able to see Finding Nemo without quietly trying to hide her tears in your shoulder.

These feelings are the furthest thing that deserve embarrassment. They’re yours and they are confusing but they are important. 

Because how could the warmth you feel when you think about her be anything to be embarrassed about. 

You don’t say as much, but your face must show it because Chuchu gives you an approving nod.

“You can tell her whenever you want to, although I recommend soon because I can’t stand you morons yearning or whatever”–she puts yearning in air quotes and something tells you this has been discussed in length without you.

“For the record, I don’t care about any of this. Off the record though, you both always seem to be happy around each other, which I never thought was an emotion that Miorine was capable of and– that has to mean something.”

You've reached your classroom so you don't get the chance to reply. You do note that you owe Chuchu a hug and probably a snack stick. And you also come to a decision.

You will tell Miorine your feelings.

In four months. When your lease ends. A solid plan.

You walk in and find the one person you've tried to avoid all week because of course, you'd forget that you actually share this class with her. You spot Miorine, as usual, by the seat near the window three rows to the last and your chest feels like its on fire. There's a seat right next to her that doesn't have your name on it but kinda has your name on it (in a you've sat here all semester and Miorine would shoot a dirty look at anyone else who tried to sit there kinda way). She looks up and meets your eyes and there's a very quick smile that disappears as soon as its there and this makes you want to simultaneously run out the door and also scoop her up and spin her in the air and hear her laugh and-

This was going to be the longest four months of your life.

Chapter Text

Summer break rolls in with the sounds of kids ringing their bicycle bells down the hill and the quiet buzz of cicadas in the afternoons by the ice cream stand. Your wardrobe is now shorts and loose shirts and your third-hand tower fan is on its final legs, sputtering and creaking as it spits out air.

Everything is great. Everything is terrible.

You’re usually so good at keeping secrets but you excuse yourself the first time you almost slip because you can’t be blamed for it, really.

It’s twilight. You know this because Miorine hates twilight. Something about the day turning into night makes her anxious, she always tells you this. Like the air is stirring just before something starts, the sun running from the night but getting swallowed up anyways. Everyday yet inevitable.

You usually close the curtains. But today, you tell her it could be pretty, like the day reaching out one last time towards the dark, one last hi-five before they part ways . You still close the curtains for her but she looks at you a bit funny after.

She stands up from the couch, the pillows falling to the floor and walks towards you and you can’t stop your stomach from flipping a little. She stands on her toes straining and you bend down a little on reflex as she tucks a strand of your hand behind your ear. You’re tongue tied because she’s Miorine, the setting sun casting a warm orange glow, her silver eyes alight. She leans forward and your body seizes up, unsure of what to do. There’s something you might want to do but it's a distant thought– fuzzy in the back of your head, not fully formed into words yet.

She leans closer, close enough that you can see the faint freckles on her cheeks, close enough that the scent of her body wash wafts over you, something soft and citrussy. Close enough, that you feel like you can say the words in your head and she’d hear them.

She flicks your forehead. She asks if you want any chips from the cupboard as she turns away from you. It’s only a second and your mind is racing to catch up to your heart but your body reacts first.

Your hold on her wrist surprises you more than her. She half turns towards you, her head tilting in question and the treacherous thought crosses you. You could tell her now. Tell her that you wouldn’t mind spending evenings like this with her, for as long as she’d have you.

The words stay in your throat and you turn away before her eyes make you say something damning. You tell her you finished the chips (you have no idea if this is true) and bolt out the door to buy some.

You run into a street lamp on the way back and Miorine insists on holding a bag of peas to your forehead as you both watch reruns of parks and rec in the living room for the rest of the evening.

The second time it almost happens, you, again, can't blame yourself.

You’re five minutes late from your usual routine and you’re going to have to sprint to catch the bus. You’re hastily tying your shoelaces, the scent of burnt pancakes and room freshener making rancid miasma. Miorine is still asleep in her room, another late night doing assignments and solving world famine or whatever new project she’s dedicating her time to. You leave her the unburnt golden brown pancakes, with a little note telling her to eat it all.

You have every intention to quietly slip out the door when you hear the soft thumbing of slippers on the floor. Miorine’s standing near the counter, eyes still bleary from sleep, her hair adorably ruffled and unkempt. She takes a look at the plate and the clock on the microwave and looks at you in exasperation (or whatever measure of that is possible half asleep).

You hastily walk backwards to the door, grinning like an idiot because you're so glad you got to see her. She shakes her head and smiles. Does a little wave, adding a soft ‘see you later’. You are so overwhelmed with affection you intentionally stub your toe on the way out to stop yourself from waxing poetry.

So yes…. everything was going well.

It was alright!

Really!

It was only when you were with her or thought about her that your heart jumped. All the other times you were very normal. Productive even! (bodily harm aside)

Sure, being roommates did mean that you spent a lot of time with each other, but there were alot of hours in the day! And yes, you do think about her occasionally during said day when you weren’t home, but this was normal too!

It was a coincidence that you passed a stall selling cute little squishy toys and stickers and your first thought was to take pictures of everything and send it to Miorine. There were posters for a farmers market happening next week, and really, how were you not supposed to snatch a flier for Miorine?

You find yourself staring into space more often now, burning food and stumbling over things but hey, you’ve always been clumsy! Ahahah.

So… maybe you were, as Chuchu had put in air quotes `yearning’.

The couple of days you had spent hiding in the library were quite frankly terrifying because you were so scared and worried and the only thing you wanted to do was to tell Miorine about it.

You can feel your head starting to hurt. The push and pull of wanting to spend time with Miorine and wanting to vault out the window is getting a bit tiresome.

The more you become aware of the depth of your feelings the more devastated you feel because this was never going to end well.

Because now, there’s a self-set timer on your relationship with her.

Four months.

You tell her you love her. Your friendship splinters. Things get awkward and you make a hazy promise to stay friends knowing you will eventually drift apart. And then you become strangers who wish each other on birthdays to reading about her successful life story in a biography 20 years later to nothing at all.

You suddenly don’t think that you can tell her in four months. But you don’t think you can keep it a secret much longer either. But– the thought of not having Miorine in your life at all– that’s too much–its–

You are very close to crying again and it frustrates you that your first instinct is to run to Miorine for help.

All the movies made it seem so easy. Fall in love with your roommate, dramatically confess, live happily ever after in your cute apartment in the city with a garden and a dog.

But the reality is dropping dishes and crashing into doors whenever you make eye contact.

You love and hate it. You hate that you’re spiraling, thinking about scenarios that haven't happened yet and getting yourself stuck in a loop of self caused anxiety, borrowing grief from a hypothetical future. You love the way your heart swoops when you make her smile a little, as she huffs and rolls her eyes at you.

Falling in love has been easy. A little too easy. That’s a given since its Miorine though.

You feel like you're going to burst, your heart unrestrained everytime you look at her, the words i love you coming to you in gentle waves, unbidden and sincere. You’re sure Miorine has noticed something by now.

Everytime a conversation finds the space to grow into something where you think you’re about to say something you shouldn’t, you bolt out the door and hide in Nika and Chuchu’s apartment. They don’t mind but you can tell they find all this a bit ridiculous.

Everytime you look at her you find more things to fall in love with.

The way she ties her hair in the afternoons when their creaky fan isn’t enough. The way she sometimes barges into your room and does a cute little pace-walk around it before leaving again without a word. The way she says your name when you do something stupid, all hooked smiles and eye rolls.

You unconsciously start gathering these moments in your cupped hands until they're overflowing. You realize how lucky you are, to know her and love her and maybe, maybe that's enough.

You don’t know what scares you more.

Miorine finding out.

Or.

Miorine never finding out.

You’ve searched ‘what to do if you’ve fallen in love with your roommate” in every search engine you can think of but everything feels like a blog entry from a person who probably spent a lot of time reading wattpad and you’re not sure if it’s good advice or not.

Speaking of people who spent a lot of time reading wattpad fiction…

Your sister is silently sipping her coffee and shooting you very amused glances over the rim of her cup and you don’t know how much she knows.

Eri grins in a way that has never ended well for you.

“So, how’ve you been?” Eri asks and she’s blinking in a way that seems too innocent and innocuous to be nothing. Your guard is instantly up.

“Good”, you reply, but it comes out more defensive and pouty than you wanted.

Eri hmmms and you’re suddenly thankful that you have never been in a class she’s TA’d for.

She leans back on the cushy chair, seemingly relaxed. “Any plans for the summer?” she asks, taking a bite out of her sandwich. “Stay safe out there, something weird in the air”

Huh.

You settle down a bit. You're aware of CFCs and aerosols in the air and whatnot. Maybe you’re overthinking this. This is a nice meet up with your sister who you haven't seen in three weeks. You’ve missed her.

You haven’t told anyone but Chuchu and you know she can keep a secret. You’d rather not have this somehow spread and Miorine accidentally hearing this from someone that isn’t you. You did think about telling Eri of course, but you’re not sure you’re ready for an excited powerpoint filled with romcom quotes.

You let out a sigh and start eating your chocolate muffin. You take a bite and manage to make a mmmrphh in response. No confessions from you today.

Eri looks at you with a grin Miorine would categorize as ‘nefarious’ or something.

“It’s luuurvee” she sing-songs and you promptly choke on your muffin.

She hands you a glass of water as she cackles.

“How’d you know?” you ask but it sounds more like a whine and suddenly you’re twelve again begging Eri to tell you how she made the ball under the cup disappear.

“Call it a sister’s intuition” Eri says, finger tapping her temple and looking very proud.

You grimace, burying your face in your hands. You love your sister, you really do. But so does the entire campus and you really don’t want this to somehow slip and become the next vaguely written post in the university reddit forum.

You peek at her through your fingers, your voice a pathetic whimper. “Please don’t–”

Eri lifts her hands up in surrender. “I haven’t even said anything! I swear, I won't tell anyone, cross my heart with a bunch of screws or whatever”.

The oath is all wrong but it does make you crack a smile.

Eri leans on the table, resting her face in her hands, eyeing you with amusement. “Soooooo who’s the lucky gal?”

You blink. “You don’t know?”

“I have an idea, but I’d like to hear it from you”.

You can feel the heat rising in your cheeks and you turn away. “It’s someone I know”.

Eri grins behind her coffee mug. “It’d be shocking if you didn’t.”

“She’s a……person”.

“I’d have questions if she wasn’t”

“She’s a very…. nice person?” you try again.

Eri snorts. “Oo guess who. Haven’t played that in awhile. Okay I’m game. Would this person bail me out of jail?”

“She’s already do–”

Your hands immediately clamp over your mouth and you turn red. You’ve never been good at guess who.

You have a staring match with her that lasts a total three seconds before dramatically plopping your head on the table in defeat as Eri bursts out laughing.

“Its Miorine.”

Eri clutches her chest and gasps with a flair that would put actors to shame. “And they were roommates!”

You bury your face in your hands in defeat.

She ruffles your hair. “You've got a crush! Why aren’t all giddy and running in fields of flowers about it?”

Because this is a modern day tragedy. You’ve committed roommate etiquette taboo. You’ve taken a perfectly wonderful friendship and dumped a bucket of non friendship feelings on it and complicated it all. You’re not ready for a relationship, you want to abandon all ships and jump into the ocean.

You don’t say as much.

Your face must look like how you feel because Eri pauses and smiles, her eyes betraying confusion.

“Is it– is she dating someone else?”

“No–”

“Then what’s the issue?” Eri cups her hands around her mouth,”Let’s go Romeoooo, Casanova this ish and charm her socks off!” The rest of the cafe gives your table annoyed stares. You’re used to this and give shushed apologies before turning back.

“I don’t want to make things awkward”

Eri eyes you incredulously.“Um, this is the girl that you saw win a spicy noodle eating competition right before you threw up in the bowl and still chose to talk to you after that.”

“That was you!”

“Huh. Well. Okay, she’s the girl who saw you cry over spilt macaroni and eat it off the floor during Spring finals week”.

“....That was me.”

Eri flaps her hands. “See? You literally live together. If she’s seen you snot cry over Treasure Planet then she’s seen it all.”

You sigh and lean back on your chair, looking at the ceiling.

“She’s too important to me.”

“And you’re important to her. Eri says.”Well, Probably. Fifty-Fifty?”

“You’re not helping!”

Eri rolls her eyes. “Twas a joke, Alright then, why don’t you just ....feel it out” she says gesturing vaguely with a swish of her hand..

You blink. “Feel it out?”

“Yeah! What exactly do you think will change if you do start dating?”

You pause.

Um.

You never really did stop to think about that. What did people in relationships do anyways? You probably go out and eat. Watch movies. Buy cute little gifts and talk to each other. Make each other smile and laugh. Look after each other, make jokes and spend time around each other and–

Right.

Well.

This was confusing.

Eri snorts. Her eyes gleam as she rests her face in her hands. “Do you wanna kiss her?”

Oh.

Your entire face feels like it’s on fire and then someone sprinkles chilli flakes on it.

You’ve never thought about this before. That is– Miorine is beautiful and sometimes you wonder– but not exactly– this hasn’t crossed your mind! Not that you’d never want to kiss her though, if she wanted to. Wait, did you want to? Probably? You’ve read about it. People do– that when they're attracted to each other. Were you attracted to Miorine? How do you know that? Your tummy does swoop when she looks at you and more often than not you find yourself a blubbering mess but– you don’t really get it, not yet at least? Was it normal? If you haven't thought about it, does that mean you don’t really love her? That can’t be true. There can’t be any other explanation for what your feeling.

You like hugging her, for sure. Having her close against you makes you feel fuzzy and warm. You like holding her, and– touching her–as in, you like holding her hand. You like the way she plays with your hair when you're sitting close. You like it when she leans on you, when you’re watching tv or a movie or anywhere really. But–was this–

Your face is suddenly smooshed between your sister’s hands.

“I can hear you melting your brain, Suletta”.

You imagine yourself doing a magic trick, where there’s a puff of smoke and you disappear. You show up 50 ft away and take a bow. The crowd cheers.

“Sulettaaaaaa”

The spotlight always turns back to you.

Eri settles back down, taking some of your muffin with her. “ Listen, relationships work differently for everyone. There’s no checkbox list or order that you need to follow. There’s no wrong way to go about this.”

You cover your face with your hands in defeat and mumble. “I’m going to move out in four months.”

Eri grimaces, muttering something you don’t catch. “Okay, before that– you're kinda putting a lot of pressure on yourself. You don’t know squat about Miorine’s feelings or so you claim. Why don’t you ask her?”

You eye her incredulously through the gaps of your fingers. “I ask her if she has feelings for me?”

Eri brings up a hand, “That would solve this real fast but you rip bandaids slowly so no– I was thinking more in the lines of ‘Hey, have you ever been interested in dating anyone?’ or ‘what’s your type?’ or make her take one of those terrible ‘who’s your summer love!’ quizzes in tabloid magazines.”

You can already feel second hand embarrassment for the future you who’s asked these questions. You shake your head frantically. “I can’t bring this out of the blue! We’ve never really talked about this stuff before!”

And now that you say it out loud, you do find that a bit odd. You’ve never really been interested in anyone and university life has kept you busy enough that you’ve never really worried about not having a romantic life. You know Miorine likes girls, she had told you over a meal on a random autumn morning. You said you were too and she had responded with a “Neat” and a nod and that was that. You can’t suddenly ask her about relationships, how would that even work?

Eri doesn’t seem to think so. She dusts her hands of (your) muffin crumbs. ”Sure ya can”, she says and clears her throat. “Hey Miorine, how was your day? I saw a fountain in the park today and the sun hit it just right and there was a rainbow. That reminds me, I was vibin with the lgbtqt’s today on campus and while we were secretly moving all the fishes in tiny plastic bags to take em to the big aquarium downtown, we were talking about what a cute date spot the aquarium was and who we’d wanna go with! Thoughts?”

There’s no other sound in the cafe other than an errant cough. You gape at your sister as she folds her arms, looking very smug.

You can’t believe it.

You clasp your sister’s hand and grin.

“You’re a genius Eri!”