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Soulmates were something that perplexed Petronella Osgood from a very early age, ever since her brain was capable of forming logical thoughts and conclusions. And, as a creature who thrived on logic ever since she could remember, there was nothing that was quite as illogical as soulmates.
To her, there was no rhyme nor reason to the fact that there was, somehow, in all of time and space, just one person destined for her. And the fact that something as menial as scribbles decided on something so groundbreaking? It was something that Osgood didn’t (no matter how hard she tried) understand.
That is not to say that there wasn’t a part of her that didn’t hope or dream. There was a romantic side to her, carefully tucked away. So while all the other girls at school giggled in groups, gossiping and twirling their hair while doodling hearts and flowers on their arms in hopes that exact matches will appear on someone they know, Osgood sat, tucked away in her corner, imagining what it would be like if there was a person who truly loved her, above all and despite everything. She sat and imagined, trying hard to ignore all the shrewd childish glares, pretending she didn’t hear the whispers accompanied by bouts of laughter.
“ Look at weird Petronella over there. I don’t think there is anyone who would put up with her, soulmate or not.”
It hurt, because of course it did. But Osgood had grown used to all the snide remarks and cutting looks. She was well aware of all the differences that set her apart from the other children. And so she sat, imagined and hoped.
Eventually, that hope began to die.
Osgood would never admit it to anyone, but she developed a routine. Every morning and evening she looked over every inch of her hands and forearms with a single minded fixation. She scanned every inch of her skin, almost obsessively. For years. Twice a day, without a fail - hoping, yearning to see anything at all. But there was nothing. Save for the occasional penmark that could have well been her own doing, Osgood never received any sign at all.
As time went on, she stopped looking and began running through a share of scenarios ranging from probably likely to downright bizarre instead. Maybe her soulmate wasn’t born yet. Maybe her soulmate didn’t have arms. Maybe her soulmate didn’t have access to any writing supplies. Maybe her soulmate was dead. The worst ‘maybe’ always came when Osgood was at her lowest - in the form of her own voice, twisted by the cruelty and malice she got used to growing up.
“Or you are just so wrong and fucked up that there really is no one for you.”
While those moments came and went, they left their mark on Osgood. All hopes and fantasies were stashed in a box and locked away, replaced by determination to do other, more important things. Not having a soulmate was rare, but not unheard of. And so Petronella Osgood convinced herself that soulmates were illogical nonsense anyways, focusing on making a good life for herself.
Except sometimes, she couldn’t help but wonder what her soulmate (if she had one) thought of the scribbles that littered their arms daily. Osgood no longer drew on her arms to distract herself like she did when she was a child. Instead, her palms were constantly covered with notes. Grocery lists, due dates for assignments and projects, reminders to get her meds, e-mail addresses and phone numbers…
It wasn’t that Osgood did it on purpose. She just found it minimised the risk of her forgetting something important when it was right where she could see it whenever she moved her hand.
And despite being well and truly done with the whole soulmate business, sometimes it filled her with grim satisfaction, almost as if being able to say: “ I’m here! I exist! Why don’t you care? Why won’t you let me know?”
But time passed, life went on and nothing ever showed up. Until it did.
It was late enough that at first, Osgood dismissed the tingling, warm feeling in her palm as one of the weird things that happened to her body on occasion, especially when she was as sleep deprived as she was in that particular moment, staring into her computer for hours on end. Lifting her hand to rub at her bleary eyes to chase away the sandpaper-like feeling, Osgood took a moment to bury her face in her palms. That’s when she noticed.
There was something on her palm. Something she definitely didn’t put there herself. It wasn’t her handwriting by any means anyways. Feeling her breath starting to catch in her chest, Osgood fished out her inhaler, staring at her hand as if it was something alien that grew overnight. Pinching herself to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating, Osgood squinted at the black ink.
SJ: 01632 960256 ♡
It took a moment for everything to click together. Except the result wasn’t the satisfaction of a final puzzle piece fitting into place. It was a combination of emotions that made her stomach turn and head spin. Elation, then shock. And finally, dread. It opened like a giant black hole, threatening to swallow her whole as she started to spiral.
So there was a soulmate for Petronella Osgood out there after all. Soulmate who just got a phone number along with a heart like they didn’t know it would appear on someone else and make them feel absolutely rotten.
There was a soulmate for Petronella Osgood. Soulmate who, she quickly concluded, didn’t care at all. Looking back, Osgood would come to realise the judgement was probably harsh and unfair, but that night, she didn’t care. It hurt to think that she waited and hoped and dreamed for years only to find out that while she wasn’t as alone as she felt, she was alone after all.
That night was the first one in years she spent crying over her soulmate.
Eventually, the bitterness faded and Osgood went on as she did before. No more marks appeared save for one occasion, not too long after the first. A faint lipstick print popped up on the crease of her wrist when she went to adjust her watch, thinking it was the band that made her skin itch. Osgood’s stomach turned almost instantly and she flew from the room, hoping her asthma would make a good enough excuse for when the questions inevitably came. Sequestering herself in a bathroom and trying not to cry, she scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was red and raw. Still, the faint outline of lips remained, mocking her, there to stay unless Osgood’s soulmate decided to wash it off.
After that, Osgood made her peace with the fact that her soulmate was off in a happy relationship. For a while, she considered trying to get back at them, but decided not to. She was not that kind of person. So years passed and she lived her life, trying to be happy for her soulmate. She stopped writing on her palms as much, though that took conscious effort. It became reserved only for the most important things. Things like:
UNIT interview, tmrrw at 11!!!
Osgood was giddy with excitement, smudging her handwriting in the process, running around her place like a headless chicken while trying to get everything ready.
Somewhere across London, a blonde woman took one look at her palm, poured herself a glass of whiskey and hid her face away with a muffled yell of frustration.
—
Once Osgood started working for UNIT, things changed. One could say they changed for both better and worse. Osgood no longer cared about her soulmate. She had a job that fulfilled her like nothing else. It shattered the borders of what was possible and made her needed. She was valued, wanted. And there was Kate.
Osgood never had a friend quite like Kate, but that was also why things changed for the worse. Because no matter how hard she tried, the lines eventually started to blur. Professional was no longer only professional and the countless life-threatening situations they found themselves in on the line of duty did their job, alongside the hours spent together.
Petronella Osgood fell in love with Kate Lethbridge-Stewart.
How could she not - the blonde woman was an inferno. Absolutely brilliant, driven, beautiful. Everything, really. And so Osgood was in love with Kate and very much screwed. There was very little she could do about it either way. Kate was her boss, there was no way in hell she loved her back and even then, Osgood was probably the last person on Earth who would just walk up and confess with some grand romantic gesture.
And so the situation was as follows: She had feelings that definitely crossed all boundaries of friendship for Kate, her best friend, but she refused to even acknowledge the possibility of those feelings being requited. The fact that the rumour mill at UNIT was merciless didn’t help either. It was hard to avoid. People naturally gravitated to the topic of soulmates and with Kate being who she was…of course everyone wanted to know. And as much as Osgood tried to be deaf when it came to all the hush hush conversations, it was no use. If Kate did have a soulmate (for the sake of her sanity, she tried to avoid that train of thought like a wildfire), it had to be a secret kept better than the Black Archive itself. There was a quiet, mutual understanding that it was not a topic to be brought up in their conversations and despite all the time they spent together, Osgood made it a personal mission to look at Kate’s hands as little as possible.
That’s how things went. People whispered but were none the wiser and Osgood lived her life, happy - until she wasn’t. How could she, really? It was easy to pretend for a while that a friendship was more than enough, that she was happy with what she had. But the heart wanted what it wanted and recently, it wasn’t satisfied with the meagre scraps of attention Osgood had been giving it to tide it over. So it started yelling, at the most unfortunate moments. Osgood could barely get through a simple conversation without blurting something woefully inappropriate, maybe about how beautiful Kate was, or how breathstoppingly brilliant she was when she went off on one of those tangents of hers.
Over the years, Osgood had grown incredibly proficient at not letting herself have things she thought she couldn’t have, compartmentalising and denying, but she started to slip.
It was bound to happen eventually, much like watching a train barreling into an obstacle, knowing it is inevitably going to explode. Except, it wasn’t Osgood’s doing that caused it. The universe had a weird way of having things fall into place whenever it wanted.
Everything was taking a turn for the worse. Actually, scratch worse and make that a living nightmare, gift wrapped and hand delivered to UNIT’s doorstep. All the threats of funding being cut, the possibility of Earth being destroyed that was not their regular, everyday world is ending crisis - it had every single one of them on edge. Kate more than anyone. Perhaps it was her that slipped, in the end.
Osgood made her way through the corridors, carefully balancing the load she had in her arms in order to be able to knock. Though Kate probably didn’t hear it, hunched as was, staring into a pile of papers as if it would whisper some magical way to resolve everything. The brunette’s heart pounded painfully in her chest. Even if Kate still looked as put together as always, the strain was clearly visible in the shadows under her eyes and the way her hand was relentlessly tugging at blonde strands. Osgood approached, cautious, but determined to help in any tiny way she possibly could.
“Hey…”
Kate startled, eyes shooting up. A small, tired simile of a smile tugged on her lips.
“Oh, Osgood. Hello. Did you need anything?”
“For you to eat something. With all due respect, you’ve been holed up in here the whole day.”
Osgood shuffled over, offering up the sandwich and coffee as if it would make the armful of documents she put down alongside with it hurt any less. Kate shot her another smile, this time slightly more genuine, quiet appreciation sparkling in her eyes. It didn’t make what happened next sting any less.
As Kate was reaching for the cup, the flash of colour on the back of her hand made Osgood freeze. She didn’t need to look to know what she would find there. A messy scribble, a thought one would put down to follow up on later.
Which is precisely what Osgood did before she left to get Kate her lunch. A research idea written on her hand because there was nothing closer, in a particular shade of green that was her favourite highlighter.
That precisely same note, green and smudged. Osgood’s handwriting. On the back of Kate’s hand which she mindlessly reached out.
“What’s that? On your hand?”
It was out before Osgood could stop herself, think of the consequences or all of the what-if’s that she normally ran through. The monumentality of the moment didn’t quite sink in yet. All that existed was the here and now. Kate recoiled, eyes wide, looking anywhere but at the brunette. Suddenly, it began to sink in. That wasn’t the reaction of someone who just discovered their soulmate. It was guilt, it was being caught in the act. It felt as if the floor had ripped open under Osgood’s feet, the giant void threatening to swallow her whole.
“You-” she croaked, unable to find her voice, staring at Kate with wide eyes.
“Osgood,” sighed Kate, resigned. The tone of her voice, filled with apprehension, confirmed every single suspicion the scientist developed in the past minute.
“Y-you…you knew! You knew this whole damn time, didn’t you?”
Kate didn’t reply, avoiding looking at Osgood. It was silent, save for Osgood’s heavy breathing. The silence was damning. There were so many things she wanted to say, now that the wound that was festering ever since her childhood ripped open, but she couldn’t. She waited for Kate to speak. To give her something, anything.
What Osgood got was nothing.
“Right. Of course. I…I guess I’ll…”
Voice cracking painfully and catching on a wheeze, Osgood flew from the office, not caring about looking dignified in the slightest. Filled with too many emotions to even begin to name them, she just wanted to get away. Her eyes were filling with tears and her chest hurt so bad all of sudden. As preoccupied as she was with wanting to escape, Osgood didn’t even notice the rapid clicking of heels that followed after her.
“Osgood. Osgood, wait damnit! Please .”
Finally, Kate managed to catch up, slightly out of breath. Suddenly, there was a hand wrapping around Osgood’s wrist and she was faintly aware she was being tugged somewhere. There was the noise of a door banging shut, but the she had begun to spiral from the moment she noticed her handwriting on Kate’s hand and there was no way out.
The blonde was saying something, but there were too many thoughts, one worse than the other and Osgood couldn’t think, let alone breathe, she couldn’t see through the tears and…and nothing. Suddenly, she was shocked out of the stupor by being pulled forward, bodies colliding. There were arms being wrapped around her, holding her close, both for comfort and so that she couldn’t escape. A sob tore out of her and Kate tightened her hold, one hand going up to cradle Osgood’s head against her, making vague shushing noises.
Osgood was vaguely aware that her face was smushed against Kate’s skin, soft and warm. It was hard to say how much time had passed before she got some semblance of control over herself back but suddenly, the only thing she was aware of was the overwhelming feeling of rightness. Standing there, wrapped securely in the woman she had wanted for years, the universe wasn’t falling on their heads. There was nothing else, just them. And it felt more right than anything ever had before.
As if sensing it was alright to talk, Osgood felt Kate take a deep breath. Gently, the hand wrapped in her hair made her look up. Even though she wasn’t the biggest fan of eye contact, Osgood was so struck by what she saw in Kate’s eyes that she couldn’t look away, even if she wanted to. The blonde was staring at her with such adoration, pained but so infinitely gentle…
“I need you to listen to me Osgood. This is not the time or place. It’s not that I-”
Kate stopped herself in the middle of a sentence, huffing, shaking her head.
“I have a meeting with that prick Prentis in a bit and I have leave in a bit. But we’ll talk about everything, alright? I promise we’ll talk. Just not now.”
After hesitating for a bit, Kate continued.
“Why don’t you come to my place after work tonight?”
Still overwhelmed by everything that managed to happen in the span of the last hour, Osgood couldn’t get herself to speak, but nodded frantically. Maybe things would work out after all. Kate took a step back, but reached out her hands to cup Osgood’s face, warm hands gently stroking away the remnants of tears. Suddenly, the brunette was breathless again, though for a completely different reason.
“I really do have to go now. Will you be okay?”
Osgood nodded again, bringing her own hand to gently squeeze Kate’s. With a watery smile, the blonde was gone.
Everything was a blur after that. Osgood managed to regain some semblance of composure, dragging herself back to work, but her head was stuck in a limbo the whole time, her brain turning over thousands of thoughts rapidly, most of them centered around Kate and the fact that somehow, they were soulmates . She kept repeating ‘ we will talk, everything is going to be okay ’ in her head like a mantra. As absorbed in her thoughts as she was, Osgood barely noticed her phone ringing. The sky turned dark outside. It was almost time. Almost.
The phone nearly fell as she fumbled for it, stomach turning when she saw Kate’s name flashing on the screen. Swallowing and taking a deep breath, Osgood brought the device to her ear.
“Yes?”
She couldn’t get anything else out. Couldn’t ask how the meeting went, if she could start heading over now. There was some weird noise in the background. Osgood’s stomach lurched. Before she could worry, Kate’s voice came from the other side, uttering the sentence that changed everything.
Six words.
Six words that turned Osgood’s entire world upside down, sending her whole existence crashing into nothingness.
“ Osgood, I have to go dark .”