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The night air was chilly, sending a shiver up his spine. The champagne fizzed in his glass, tiny bubbles floating to the surface. He heaved a heavy sigh, feeling the weight of the situation wash over him. Simon Riley was getting married in twelve hours… and he could do nothing to stop it.
They’d had a whirlwind relationship and passion on the battlefield. Believing that any moment between them was fleeting, they greedily took everything they could until the spark died. They never expected the spark to last this long. Now, they were both left heartbroken. Simon had told him that he was being realistic, that a relationship like theirs would only work on the field.
It cut Johnny like a knife, but he accepted it, giving Simon one last kiss before leaving forever. He didn’t realize forever was so short. Now, he was forced to stand, freezing on the balcony of some fancy house they’d rented for the love of his life’s bachelor party. He’d never expected to be invited, but Simon had been adamant the team would all be there for his big day. It left a bitter taste in the sergeant’s mouth.
He could hear their laughter echoing down the home halls, but he couldn’t bring himself to rejoin them. Instead, he nursed his bittersweet champagne and tried to push away the feeling of losing Simon all over again.
“Johnny… what are you doing out here?” He heard that gruff voice call out, the sergeant jolting in surprise. It’s been so long since the man has snuck up on him. He used to be aware of his presence by the near silent sound of his footsteps, being able to sense his presence simply.
“Just getting some air. You know how rowdy the team can be.” He teased softly, but it felt hollow. This entire situation felt hollow. Johny swished the expensive wine in his glass, watching the bubbles fizzle out.
Simon hummed softly from behind him, walking up to stand beside him. They were both silent, so many things left unspoken between them. It was awkward in a way neither of them was used to; their relationship used to be so simple. They used to fit together like puzzle pieces. Now, it’s like the pieces were all just slightly off, fitting in place but breaking the edges.
“So… you haven’t moved on.” It wasn’t a question; Simon still knew Johnny like the back of his hand. Even with all the distance, he could still read the man like an open book. It used to be his favorite, something he could sit down and study for hours, the pages growing worn and tired, but still… it was his favorite.
"How can you expect me to? Breaking things off was one of the hardest things I've ever had happen to me." He huffs, annoyance dripping in the tone. Age-old heartbreak still beating in his chest. He glances over and notices the hurt expression on Simon’s face, his heart clenching with it. “Not that I'm blaming you, but... you know, it's difficult..."
“You look beautiful, as always.” Simon looked away, heaving a deep sigh; he didn’t want to look at him. It all hurt too much.
“And yeah… I never expected you to move on that easily; that would be too selfish of me to think.” He finally said in a hoarse voice, chuckling, “You’ll find someone who’ll be way better than me, who will care and respect you and make you feel all the love you deserve.”
Johnny didn’t want better; he wanted Simon. He craved the man like an addict craved a fix. "You moved on pretty quickly..." He mutters softly, a bittersweet expression on his face. Suddenly, Johnny winces, realizing his words. "Shit, sorry, that was mean... I'm happy for you, really. I hope she treats you well. You guys seem... perfect together."
“It’s okay; you can be as mean as you want. I deserved that.” Simon sighed softly beside him, a bitter smile on his face. His eyes held a pain he couldn’t read, the way they misted over, staring out into the night sky. “She does treat me well.” He mumbled, “We’re perfect together.”
"You never were one for perfect, though, huh?" He teases gently, remembering how much they’d loved their rocky relationship, adoring the messiness. It was what made it so human.
The silence was almost deafening; they both knew it was unhealthy for them to continue like this. But they also couldn’t bring themselves to let it entirely go.
“I thought that we could be…” Simon started to say, then paused. He didn’t want to finish that sentence, and hurt him even more. It was already becoming too much just being out there with him.
"Just say it..." Johnny smiled weakly at him. "I'm a big boy, sir. I can take it."
“I thought we could be perfect,” he finally managed to say, his eyes looking down at the ground. Johnny sucked in a soft breath, his heart aching even further. It was torture for both of them.
He sighed gently, looking back at his champagne. "You were..." The sergeant glanced at him. "You were perfect. To me."
“That just means you’re willing to put up with all my flaws, and I’m sorry for that…” he said quietly. There was the woman he was about to marry tomorrow. Yet, his mind kept wondering how bad it would hurt Johnny when he did that, and he didn’t want to add more damage; he didn’t have the courage. Simon sighed, leaning heavily against the balcony with a stony expression.
"What is love if not seeing all the brokenness of a person and loving them despite it? You saw all of my flaws and still loved me. Why do you not deserve that same treatment?" Johnny’s brows furrowed, pain in his voice. He was tired of how self-sacrificing the man could be, shouldering his team's weight and struggles. He knew the man behind the mask; he wasn’t as cold and heartless as he had claimed.
The pair grew silent again, the quiet dripping with regret and pain. They didn’t know where to go from here. It was like they were thrust into a waltz, and neither knew the moves or who was leading.
"You're really going to marry her?" Johnny asked quietly, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.
“I am. I am going to marry her,” Simon bit his lips, closing his eyes in a pained expression, looking down at the ground again.
Johnny nodded gently, a trembling smile slipping onto his features. He raised his glass of champagne to the heavens.
"May your marriage be everything you need, Simon. I hope you find the happiness and love you deserve." He couldn’t control how his eyes misted over with unshed tears.
Simon looked back at him and saw the tears welling up in his sergeant’s eyes, seeing how his lips twitched in barely contained restraint. Johnny was still heartbroken; he had never wanted to see him this way.
“Thank you,” he whispered, his throat tightening and his eyes cloudy; Simon was the last person in the world who should be crying. He didn’t deserve his tears.
Johnny smiled at him, all the love and affection he still carried held in his gaze. Finally, he stepped back from the balcony, approaching the lieutenant slowly before placing a delicate kiss on his cheek, tears slipping down his cheeks.
"Treat her better than you ever did me." He whispered, pulling back with one last teary smile and headed inside.
Simon froze where he stood, the sergeant’s touch lingering on his cheek. He didn’t know what to say or how to feel; Johnny just kissed him and left. Knowing he shouldn't, he wanted to call out for him and bring him back. Simon wanted to collapse to his knees and beg for forgiveness, to see that bright smile again, but Johnny walked away before he could do anything about it. Perhaps he saved them both the embarrassment.
He heaved a heavy sigh, rubbing a hand down his face as bitter tears built up in his eyes. How had he managed to screw things up even further? The pair had never been the same since their breakup. He never should have invited the sergeant; it was too much for them. Still, he couldn’t imagine not having him here. Now, he was marrying a woman he wasn’t even sure he loved. What was it all for?
He finished the glass of champagne and headed back inside. As he passed the bathroom door, he heard muffled sobs through the other end. Simon felt his heart sink even further, already knowing exactly who it was. Carefully knocking, he called out, “Johnny?”
"Just a minute." He heard muffled through the door, a quiet sniffle following suit.
He nodded and waited beside the door; his body was leaning against the wall. He closed his eyes and sighed deeply; his body stiffened when he heard Johnny open the door. More burning tears slipped down his cheeks, making him struggle to keep his composure.
The sergeant stepped out of the bathroom, a shaky smile back on his face, only to soften into a frown of concern at the tears on the other’s face. "Simon?"
“Can you do me a favor?” He asked, his voice shaky, his tear-filled eyes still locked on pale blue. He was trying to control his emotions and hold himself back from pouring out all the words he wanted to say since the day the two parted ways.
"Anything," Johnny says earnestly, looking at him with a fragile expression.
He inhaled a deep breath and let out a bitter chuckle; he could feel his heart racing a mile a minute. “Could you… Can I kiss you? Just one last time.”
Johnny’s eyes widened slightly, hesitating. "Simon... you're getting married tomorrow..."
He wanted nothing more than to kiss him, but it was not fair to his soon-to-be wife, nor either of them.
“I know, but.. You know how I feel about you and how much I still care. I just need this one thing; I need it so badly, to have one last memory with you.” He stepped closer to his sergeant, his eyes looking at him pleadingly. He was never this vulnerable, but for Johnny, he would be. He wanted to make up for all the mistakes he’d made, all the times he’d closed himself off. He knew he’d long since missed his chance.
Johnny looked at him with a pained expression, sucking in a heavy breath. "We can't, mo ghraidh... we'll only end up hurting ourselves..."
Johnny hadn’t called him that name in years, sending more trembling breaths through his body. Everything hurt so much.
“I know, I know, but.. It’s not just for me; it’s for you as well. The feeling is still between us; you can’t pretend like it’s not still there.” He said, desperate and pleading, hoping that one kiss could erase all the regret, all the guilt, and all the pain. One single kiss between two people who were once so in love with each other, just one last time.
"Of course, I can't, Simon. I've been helplessly in love with you for years... I can't just stop that feeling... All I've been thinking about tonight is stealing you away and keeping you forever... but that's not real. That's not our reality anymore." Johnny sighed, moving forward and cupping his cheek tenderly.
"You have a woman who loves you, probably giddy at the chance to marry the most wonderful man in the world tomorrow. You will always own my heart, Simon, but I no longer own yours. That belongs to her." Johnny smiled sweetly at him, more tears slipping down his rosy cheeks. He knew they needed to get back to the others before they grew suspicious. Everyone knew about their relationship; he still remembers how Gaz had held him as he sobbed.
They were plunged back into that suffocating silence, his breath shaking as the man cupped his face. The way he touched him, the way he treated him, this will always be the reason why he can’t stop loving Johnny.
“Can I at least hold you one more time?” He asked quietly, his voice shaky and his eyes shiny with tears. He wouldn’t let this be the last time the two would interact with each other; it couldn’t be.
"Of course, Simon. Come here." Johnny leaned forward, wrapping his arms around him in a tight hold. The sergeant buried his face into the other’s neck, forcing the sobs building in his throat down.
Simon buried his face into the sergeant’s mohawk, wrapping his arms around him. He breathed in his scent, the scent that was inexplicably Johnny’s and no one else’s, just him. They squeezed each other tightly, wishing this moment could last forever.
"Can I be... selfish for a minute?" Johnny asked timidly, still hiding his face in the lieutenant’s neck.
“Always,” he whispered back, holding him tightly as he felt Johnny bury his face in his neck. His heart was beating so fast; he couldn’t help himself from getting emotional; he wanted what the two of them had before back; he wanted everything back; he still needed him.
"Can we just... stay like this... for a little while?" He asked, nuzzling gently at his skin.
“Please,” he replied softly, holding the sergeant as tight as he could. He let himself get lost in this moment, let himself feel. He closed his eyes and smiled, a tear dropping onto the other’s shirt.
"I miss you..." Johnny whispered.
“I miss you too,” Simon repeated quietly, his throat constricting; he couldn’t find the words to describe how much he truly missed him. All he could do was let his grip on the man tighten and bury his head into his hair. He wanted them to stay there forever, never letting his Johnny go again.