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English
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Part 1 of Hitman xBeans au
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Published:
2024-02-18
Updated:
2024-02-19
Words:
2,103
Chapters:
2/3
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25
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79
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Moment of Realization

Summary:

The moment Joel realizes he has a crush on xB is, objectively, quite a funny one. He’d almost certainly be laughing about it if it had been anyone else. As it is, though, he’s hopping mad, deeply indignant, and deeply embarrassed about the whole thing. Who ever heard of a hitman falling for their mark? (Well, a lot of people have- it’s a whole romance cliche for a reason. But it wasn’t supposed to actually happen!)

Notes:

so, to summarize this au: Joel is a hitman who works with the Magic Mountain branch of an as-of-yet-unnamed hitman organization, and has been hired by the Big Salmon mafia to kill xB, co-owner of Horse Head Farms and (unbeknownst to Joel) retired hitman. However, unfortunately for Joel, xB is an infuriatingly sneaky, savvy, and handsome target, and manages to wiggle his way out of all of Joel's attempts on his life. At the point this fic is set in, Joel's contract to kill xB has long since expired- he just wants to kill this guy for the sake of his pride now. well... pride, and maybe something more.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

It had all started a few days earlier, when Joel had been hanging out with the other Magical Mountaineers in the breakroom. Gem and Impulse were poring over some papers together, Skizz was on a phone call in the corner, Mumbo was politely watching as Scar fumbled through some magic tricks, and Grian was sitting on the couch with Joel, listening to him rant about his failures at killing xB (he’d drawn the short straw). Everything was normal.

And then, when Joel paused his tirade to take a breath, Grian said those fatal words. “From the way you talk about this guy, Joel, it’s almost like you’ve got a crush on the mark!”

Which was ridiculous, of course! He does blummin’ not, thank you! His relationship with xB was a perfectly platonic contract killing, and Joel is a professional! He knows better than to fall for his target, and he indignantly tells Grian as much.

But, of course, Grian is Grian, and the second he senses he’s touched a nerve he doubles down. And so he did.

“Contract killing? Give me a break, Joel! Your contract on this guy expired ages ago, and you’re not the type to work for free.” Grian’s eyes twinkled with mischief as he continued to needle at Joel. “Admit it, there’s something else going on here, isn’t there?”

Joel spluttered, and took a deep breath as he glanced around the room. Fuck. Everyone had stopped what they were doing to listen in on him and Grian now. He had to say something to throw them off or he would never be able to live this conversation down.

“My contract might be done, but unlike some people I finish the things I start, thank you very much!”

Grian squawked in indignation, and as he did so the others chuckled and turned back to their own conversations, unfounded accusations of romance forgotten. Grian’s tendency to leave things unfinished was well-known, and something that every assassin at Magic Mountain had teased him over many times.

But that thought refused to leave his brain. It had wiggled its way in like a worm. Did he have a crush on xB? Is that why he kept coming back when any sane person would’ve just given it up already? And the answer, of course, is no. All of Joel’s actions here have perfectly reasonable and professional explanations.





Joel waits patiently on the rooftop across from Horse Head Farmer’s Market (which, despite the name, is actually a grocery store/money laundering scheme, not a farmer’s market), rifle at the ready, just as he has been for the past three and a half hours. You can’t rush a good sniping, after all, and xB’s schedule varies enough that Joel’s never quite sure when he’ll head out for lunch. (He’s pretty sure xB has done this specifically to spite Joel- the guy’s obsessed with him.)

Yes! Finally! xB steps out of the store, starts walking down the street, and- turns to look at Joel’s rooftop, makes direct eye contact with him, and gives him a friendly little wave, the infuriatingly sincere kind that makes Joel want to kill him even more. Dammit. He’s been caught. Also, wow, even from here Joel is a little wowed by how blue xB’s eyes are. Or maybe he’s just remembering how they look, because there’s no way Joel can actually see his eyes from here. They are definitely a very nice blue, though, and oh, huh, Joel realizes that Lizzie has blue eyes, too. Maybe he’s got a thing for blue-eyed people, and- OH SHIT RIGHT HE’S KILLING THIS GUY.

Joel fires, because even if he’s been discovered a vantage point is still a vantage point. Of course, xB somehow manages to not be in the bullet’s path, just like he always does, and then he gives Joel a disapproving look, like he’s actually disappointed Joel didn’t do a better job at trying to kill him.

God, he’s so cute, Joel’s brain has the audacity to think, like it’s trying to add insult to insult to injury. To Joel’s horror, he realizes in this moment that he’s had dozens, maybe even hundreds of thoughts like this, that just slipped through the cracks and went unnoticed.

Then, xB smiles at him again before heading on his way, and Joel falls off of the rooftop. He has time to think, Oh, I’m gonna kill Grian, as he plummets towards the ground. And then, everything goes dark, and he dies.

Chapter 2

Summary:

After his ignominious death at the hands of *checks notes* his own stupidity, Joel wakes up back in his bed at the Magic Mountain base with his body intact and his dignity shattered into thousands of tiny pieces. Unfortunately for him, things only get worse for his pride, because he's Joel and things can never just go his way for once. Or ever.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Joel wakes up in his bed, safe and sound. What? Wasn't he- oh, right. He died again. Damn. That sucks. He'd been so sure that he'd get xB that time. Oh, also, ouch. Every muscle in his body aches , even when he's laying down and not doing anything, and he knows in his bones that getting up is going to suck majorly. Note to self: don't die by falling ever again, it's awful .

 

About ten minutes of laying-down-in-the-same-spot-with-nothing-to-do, Joel is finally bored enough to try and move. He gets up ( ow. ) and goes through his regular post-revival routine of stretching out the cramps and checking himself over to make sure that Scar's weird bootleg soul magic hasn't rearranged anything important again. No parts missing? Every limb where it's supposed to be (and attached the right way- that life had been a nightmare and a half)? Are all of his joints and muscles functioning correctly? Miraculously, he's able to conclude a "yes" to all of those questions.

Okay, and now that that's all settled, it's time to get back to the RAGE BURNING THROUGH EVERY MOLECULE OF JOEL'S BODY. HE DIED AND IT WAS STUPID AND HE'S STUPID AND HE'S SO UPSET ABOUT THIS. (Well, more accurately, Joel's feeling an exquisite blend of frustration, annoyance, indignation, and embarrassment, all presenting as anger but with very little true rage to be found. But Joel's never been one for those finer details, so-) OH MY GOD HE'S SO BLUMMIN' MAD.

 

Why is that? What reasons could Joel possibly have to be so mad? Well, let's see:

  • He fell off a flipping rooftop. And it killed him. God, what an embarassing way to die.
  • Joel fell because he probably DOES have a crush on xB.
  • There's also almost no way xB likes him back.
    • It also pisses him off that this is even remotely a concern in his mind.
  • Now Joel's the hitman who got a crush on his mark! It's humiliating! How's he supposed to show his face around anyone ever again?
  • Grian was right the whole time, and if he ever finds out he will never stop rubbing it in Joel's face ever. He can't live like that.

(Honestly, Grian being right is probably the worst part of this whole AWFUL situation. All Joel can do is try and keep this fact from him as long as possible.)

Joel takes a deep breath, and stands in front of the door from his room into the Magic Mountain common room. He'd died on a mission, meaning the rest of the team has definitely reviewed the footage by now, and probably prepared their best roasting material. He's in for a world of teasing, but as long as he keeps his head and doesn't let it slip he has a chance of making it out of here. No point stalling, he thinks, as he opens the door and steps out into the breakroom. Might as well get it over with.

 

The common area is silent as Joel walks out of his room. Not because the room is empty, of course- Joel's never so lucky that something like that could happen to him- it's just that none of his "friends" can decide how to bully him first. Surprisingly, Mumbo is the first one to break the silence this time.

"Hey, Joel, have you seen Jellie around lately?"

Well, that's obviously bait for a joke, but honestly he's got no clue where Mumbo's going with this. Might as well bite.

"No, why do you ask?"

"Well, um, uh, it's just," Mumbo fumbles for a reply- he likely hadn't expected to make it this far, but he continued valiantly onwards. "Cats always land on their feet, right? So I think maybe you should ask her for some lessons."

And with a howl of laughter from Grian and an indignant splutter from Joel, the Roasting of the Beans is officially under way. Oh joy.

 

"It looks like our buddy Beans here fell for xB in more ways than one!"

"What does that make? Like, twelve deaths in a row now?"

"More like fourteen!"

"Y'know, if you really do want lessons, I'm sure Jellie would be happy to-"

"He waved at you! He probably knew you were there before he even stepped out of the building, dude!"

"I've never seen anyone miss a shot harder in all my life."

"Yeah, I've seen better shooting from Scar!"

"Well, now, hold on, I'm a plenty good shot! I could HotGuy you right now, just watch-"

"No, NO- PUT THAT AWAY, SCAR! I am not letting you get blood all over these carpets again!"

 

And so, as it usually does when all seven Mountaineers are in the same room, the post-death roasting devolves into chaos. Even so, Grian still has one last zinger for Joel before he joins Skizz and Mumbo in trying to wrestle Scar's shotgun out of his hands.

 

"So, what are you going to try next, Tomato Boy? "

 

Tomato Boy? That was a new one. Where'd Grian come up with that one? Joel's confusion must be visible on his face, because Gem takes pity and disengages from the active combat zone to pull him aside to watch the footage. He’s not quite sure why- didn’t he live through the whole thing? How could watching it be better than actually having done it?

 

 

After watching the drone footage for himself, Joel can officially conclude that oh God it’s so much worse. The whole hit had been so sloppy that if he hadn’t known better, Joel would’ve thought one of those Neighborhood amateurs had done it! Of course his shot hadn’t hit xB- he’d been so distracted that his shots had gone completely wild, closer to hitting a nearby pigeon instead of the man he’d been actually aiming for. And the rooftop vantage point he’d been so proud of was so obvious! No wonder xB had spotted it so easily- Joel’s pretty sure a blind badger could’ve seen him up there! Then, like the cherry- or, really, the tomato - on top of a perfect shame smoothie: Joel had actually blushed , BRIGHT RED, LIKE A TOMATO, at xB’s smile before plummeting off of the roof. And then going splat. Like a tomato.

Joel turns away from the screen in shame and disgust. The others were right to bully him. The whole world should be bullying him. This is horrendous , and Joel’s never related more to his own mangled corpse. Sounds start up behind him, like Gem’s resumed the video to rewatch it one last time.

“Turn it off,” He begs her, wincing at how pathetic he sounds. “ Please. ”

Gem’s eyes twinkle with knowing mischief. “Are you sure?” She asks with a shit-eating grin. “Because riiight after this part, there’s a really sweet moment where xB grabs a sheet from inside and uses it to cover up your body…”

At that, Joel perks up slightly, barely enough to be noticeable. XB had cared enough about him to go out of his way to cover up his body? And then he remembers that 1) if he hadn’t just botched the sloppiest of all contract killings, xB would’ve been too dead to cover Joel’s corpse, 2) this is pathetic-loser-with-an-obvious-crush behavior, and if he has to deal with “crush” he should at least be trying to drop the “pathetic,” “loser,” and “obvious” bits, and 3) Gem’s been watching him like a hawk this whole time. She definitely knows, and if Gem knows, then it’s only a matter of time before the others do, too. And “others” means Grian . Oh he’s so doomed and everything is terrible.

Joel buries his face in his hands in a vain attempt to hide from his shame, and groans, “Just kill me again, please. I can’t live with this.”

Scar (who Joel had honestly forgotten was even in the room) hears his request and happily obliges, whipping out his pistol and shooting Joel point-blank. And then again a couple more times for good measure. As he falls to the floor in agony, Joel welcomes the blissful indifference of death- anything to get out of that conversation.

Notes:

they're family your honor <3 (also i updated the chapter count because i couldn't fit everything i wanted to put here into just one chapter lol)

for more info on this au, check out

oh also if you have any questions about how the resurrection or magic system works in this world PLEASE ask me on tumblr or in the comments. i would've gone into more detail in the fic, but unfortunately i was writing joel's pov so 1) he doesn't really care about how these things function and 2) they're normal to him anyways so he'd have no reason to spend time thinking about them. BUT I WANT TO! AND HAVE! SO ASK ME PLEASE <3

Notes:

Hi guys! this is the first fic i've posted here in like forever lol. hermitcraft season 10 has started, and the comedic relationship potential of xbeans has me in a chokehold.

also since this is the first fic in the xb/joel tag i think that officially makes me god's strongest xbeans warrior. we love to see it

finally: pspspspsps comments and kudos make the world go round

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