Archive of Our Own ^beta

Dew doesn’t know what triggered it

Maybe it was hearing Swiss read out the old spells to phantom, like aether used to do when he sat in the library with him. Maybe it was the particular smell of smoke and spice that quintessence gave off when used. Maybe it was the fact that today was Thursday and every Thursday aether would watch a movie with him, it was their tradition, it was their time to be alone together. A constant in their lives.

Whatever it was had him freeze as he walked into the living room. The sight of Swiss and phantom playing around with the spells more than he could bear at the time.

“Dewdrop?”

He doesn’t know how long he had been standing there. Obviously long enough to attract attention to himself. His mouth felt dry.

“Dew? What’s up?”

It felt like concrete was holding his jaw shut, unable to just tell Swiss he’s ok. His breaths felt like they didn’t hold any oxygen, his vision felt fake. He thinks he’s shaking but he can’t quite tell. Finally he gains enough feeling to retreat back to his room. Tears prick at his eyes, and he simply prays those two don’t follow him. Prays no one sees him like this.

The prayers fall on deaf ears

He shuts the door quietly and just sits on his bed. Fists grasping and letting go of the fabric below him. Some kind of sensory to make the feeling go away. Desperate fists of his comforter don’t make the tears fall any less and he’s so desperate he can almost feel his nails go through it.

“Dew are you ok?”

It’s Swiss again. He knows he’s just worried but dews embarrassed, grieving, he just wants to be alone.

“I’m coming in”

He knew he would. Again he knows he’s just worried but when phantom trails in behind him he considers straight up screaming at him. He doesn’t know why. It’s not his fault. But the sight of him in his room, seeing him like this, makes him want to kill. He knows his face has shifted by the way swiss tries to reassure him.

“He’s going to help”

Help? How is he going to help? He can’t even stand the sight of the new ghoul let alone have him try and calm him down.

“I don’t want his help” dew finally replies. He cringes at how his voice cracks, more than clear that he had been crying.

“He has a spell he can do. It’s the one aether used to do on you. I know he can do it let him try, he will make you feel better”

Oh dews blood boils.

Of course it’s the one *aether used to do on him*, Swiss doesn’t understand.

“Get it out of my room”

“Dew what?”

“Both of you get the fuck out of my room” dew tries his best not to straight up yell. His voice continues to shake, tears stream down his face as he says it. He feels petulant but he doesn’t care he just want them to stop staring at him like a zoo animal.

“We just want to help”

Dew prays one day Swiss will learn when to shut up.

“Help? Or teach your new student a fucking lesson? Because I’m having a hard time understanding why you’re acting like you care if you’re just using my grief as some fucking teaching moment for him. Why is it about him?”

Dew is bordering on sobbing. They don’t get it and they’re staring at him like he’s dangerous and about to pounce, the way Swiss instinctively moves in front of phantom is heart breaking. He’s not dangerous. Why does Swiss care so fucking much about him?

“Dew calm down, can I do the spell? It won’t be as powerful but I-“

“It’s not about the fucking spell you idiot aether didn’t ever do a fucking spell”

Dew is yelling now

“It’s because it was aether”

Swiss quickly ushered phantom out of the room.

Dew couldn’t catch his breath. Hot heavy tears flooded down his face as he struggled to regain his composure.

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t fair that he didn’t have aether, it wasn’t fair that Swiss now cared about phantom more, it wasn’t fair that Swiss made phantom leave as if he was some dangerous animal who was out of control.

The look in Swiss’s eye only made him breathe heavier, cry harder.

He stared at him like he was afraid, like he had never seen dew break like this. He looked like he didn’t even trust dew enough to be alone with him, let alone have him near the newer ghoul.

Dews not a monster. Emotional, volatile at times, maybe harsh with his words. But violent? Did Swiss truly think he was capable of that?

Dew unclenches his fists and takes a deep breath.

“I’m not going to hurt you” his voice cracks, high and unsteady.

Swiss’s face softens at the words. It’s a crashing realization of what’s just transpired. A realization that not only had he attempted to magic away dews feelings, that he’s treated him like he doesn’t even know him, like they haven’t been in each others pack for longer than either can even remember.

A realization that over all the bad things he’s done, he’s just been a bad friend.

“I’d never hurt you” dew chokes out after a long moment of silence.

“I- I know im-“ the words don’t come. He doesn’t have an excuse.

“I’d never hurt phantom”

“I know dew im sorry-“

“Did you really think I would?” His sobs are barely coherent. A plead with Swiss to give him a reason. To tell him he didn’t actually think he would do anything.

“No. No I know you’d never hurt anyone of us” a tear falls down Swiss cheek.

He still racks his brain for an excuse. Not even just for protecting phantom, but trying to use spells to get rid of dews feelings. It’s a gross idea. One that he never really thought more into until this very second. The idea of not even asking why dew would break down at the sight of him helping phantom, just immediately trying to fix it, get rid of it. The issue falls deep. He knows that. He misses aether too. But he could never miss aether in the way he knows dew does, and it’s then he comes to his one hundredth realization of the day that he’s been practically neglecting dew also.

His chest hurts. He doesn’t have words. He can’t apologize for his actions, not anymore.

Aether is gone and instead of being a shoulder for dew to cry on, he’s abandoned him in favor of someone new.

Swiss gets a bad taste in his mouth. He feels sick, has the sudden urge to vomit. He’s been staring at dew far too long with nothing to say.

“Swiss please say something”

“I’m sorry” Swiss’s mouth waters with the words. Like the feeling you get before you throw up. Like the words were poisoned and made him sick to even say.

“Please leave”

Dew expected something more. A better excuse. He doesn’t know why he did though.

Swiss leaves at his request. They both feel sick.

They don’t speak for days. Swiss too ashamed of his actions to face dew, and dew is too embarrassed over his outburst to face Swiss. They both mull over the situation the entire time they’re apart. Itching to speak to the other but wondering if the damage had been done, if they’ll accept the others apology.

Swiss knows he’s in the wrong. It’s a feeling that eats at him because although he’s never been one that can’t admit his faults, this one makes him feel ashamed of himself. The countless mistakes that all piled on top of dew to handle and he didn’t even take the time to sit and talk with him anymore since aethers been gone. He’s barely made the time to sit with himself to handle his own emotions.

Swiss knows it was a stupid approach to try and ignore losing such a close packmate. The idea that if you never stop doing things you won’t have the time to truly sit with your grief. It’s why he’s been so clingy to phantom. It’s why he’s taken on extra work around the abbey. It’s why he’s been ignoring dew.

Dew took an opposite approach, something much more self destructive. He lets the grief eat away at him until he’s a sad shell of his former self because in dews mind what’s the point if his closest pack mate isn’t there?

He can’t act normal because nothing is normal anymore. It never will be.

Opposite ends of an equally destructive path and it’s no wonder they both don’t know how to act around each other anymore. Swiss doesn’t see dew in those less than firey eyes anymore and dews been convinced that Swiss has dropped him like a broken toy, too damaged to play with.

Swiss still sees aether in dew. Small pieces that put his heart in his throat and squeezes his lungs because he knows dew will fight tooth and nail for every last bit of him.

The books that stay on his night stand, no doubt being picked through night by night. Dew hoping if he throws himself into the literature aether loved he can gain enough of him back to quell the ache in his stomach.

The cologne he wore everyday has now become a room spray, the scent sometimes wafting under the door.

He’s even kept the last cup aether used to drink water in his room on the nightstand. When mountain tried to take it to help clean up the mess of dews greiving he received a long gash through his arm, dew screaming at him to not touch it.

And after all of this Swiss still never tried to help.

His stomach continues to hurt.

Phantom reminds him of aether too. The light in his eyes while he learns, the smell of quintessence, swiss realizes that that’s why he’s been clinging so hard. He’s been trying to relive his friendship through the new ghoul.

The look in dews eyes starts to make sense to him. A painful glare in their direction because dew thinks he’s trying to replace aether. It’s why he yelled when phantom came in. It’s why he freaked out when he saw them. It’s why he can’t even look at the poor younger ghoul. It’s why Swiss looked so frightened when he witnessed this, because he’s not looking at phantom as phantom. He was looking at him as aether.

It’s a hard debate between telling himself dew needed him and that dew was going to destroy himself no matter what he did to prevent it.

Dews also one of his closest friends. And even if he was going to hurt himself trying to cope with the trauma, Swiss is damned if he’s going to sit around and simply let him.

He hopes it’s not too late.

-

Dew doesn’t take the situation that happened between them well either. Already feeling abandoned by Swiss and then he looks at him like he doesn’t even know him. Dew feels like he’s not himself anymore. Merely a puppet or a cheap imitation. He doesn’t find joy in many things anymore, he barely leaves his room. He feels like a burden with his heavy emotions, like he’s too much and that must be why Swiss doesn’t talk to him.

He wonders if he was wrong. If he lashed out too harshly. Did he deserve it? To be treated like he needs magic to fix him? Did he deserve to be treated like he needs fixing?

Does he need to be fixed?

A fire claws at his throat at the thought.

-

Dew jumps when he hears a knock. No one really checks on him too much anymore when he gets like this. He’s assumed to want to be left alone.

“Please let me in” Swiss says. It sounds like he’s being crying.

“Ok” dew calls timidly. He debated staying silent, or even just begging him to leave. But it’s hard to say no to someone he loves and has missed so deeply.

“I want to apologize”

“You don’t have to”

“But I do. I hurt you and that’s not ok. Please let me explain it to you” Swiss moves closer to dew, tests the waters.

Dew just nods slowly in response.

“I’m sorry I abandoned you. You didn’t do anything wrong. I was scared and didn’t want to handle my own grief and you got the bad end of that stick and you don’t deserve that.” He starts

Tears prick at dews eyes when he says you don’t deserve that, it should be an obvious statement but to hear it outloud is vindicating and more than he could ask for at this moment.

“You needed me and I spent my time with someone else instead of helping you when I knew you needed it. I still see a lot of aether in you, and it didn’t know how to handle it. I ran instead of being rational.”

Swiss looks like he’s crying too. It hurts to admit everything. How terrible he’s been.

“I tried to fix you with magic, I wanted old you back and i didn’t try to care for you to get that back, I wanted to do it the easy way and again you don’t deserve that. You don’t need fixed dewdrop.”

you don’t need fixed dewdrop

Dew hiccups at the words

“I’m sorry. I love you. I love and care about you so much and I’m going to do better if you’ll let me” Swiss looks back up. Both are crying heavily.

Dew just nods and collapses into the multi ghoul. He’s warm and smells of bergamot. The arms that wrap around him feel like home again and dew realizes how much he’s missed this.

Swiss tries to hold onto him for dear life. Like he may change his mind if he doesn’t.

The wound is still fresh and open but for now they just lay in dews bed together. Limbs wrapped around each other and sweet nothings whispered into soft skin.

Things haven’t been solved. But swiss is just happy to have his fire ghoul back in his arms.