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“Hey, um. I wanted to ask you about something,” Matt said. He leaned back against the tree he sat under, picking bark off a stick.
“Shoot,” Fen said. He leaned forward slightly and pulled his knees into his chest. Fen was practiced in hiding his emotions, but after four years of friendship and over three months dating, Matt was pretty good at deciphering the subtle changes in his expression and body language. He was hesitant, probably because Matt was so vague. That was fair, and honestly, Matt felt a little bad. He hadn’t wanted to cause any worry.
“It’s nothing bad.” Matt paused, considering his words. “It’s just… you know it took me forever to figure out that, you know, I liked you as more than a friend. When did you realize? That you had feelings for me, I mean.”
Fen snorted and curled his lips up slightly.
“You don’t know how embarrassing that question is, man,” he said finally.
“What do you mean?” Matt frowned, worried he’d done something wrong.
“I mean… I mean it’s been an embarrassingly long amount of time. Nothing about you, don’t worry.” Fen shifted back slightly, leaning against the low brick wall that surrounded the high school.
Matt smiled softly. He was relieved that he hadn’t screwed up, and he had a slightly vain obsession with hearing what Fen really thought of him. Their bickering was fun, and when they argued over little things it was usually Matt’s favorite part of the day, but direct affection was still pretty new. It had been clear before they started dating that Fen was fond of him, of course, but Matt was enjoying learning the extent of it quite a lot.
“It can’t be that bad.” Matt bit into the sandwich he’d packed for lunch and chewed slowly. When Fen didn’t answer after a moment, he pressed again. “What, eighth grade? When we were on the run together?”
Fen crossed his arms over his knees and hid his face in them. He shook his head. His ears were bright red, a telltale sign he was embarrassed.
“Later or earlier, then?” Matt asked.
“Earlier,” Fen mumbled through his sweater.
“Wait, when?” Matt asked, a little confused now. “I don’t think we ever talked except to fight before then.”
“That’s not entirely true,” Fen said. He lifted his head. His lips were pursed, but there was the slightest hint of a smile in his eyes, so Matt was fairly confident he wasn’t pushing too hard.
“Okay, well, remind me. I can’t say I remember.” Matt took a bite of his sandwich.
“We were partners on a history project, remember? Sixth grade.” Fen sighed through his smile, much clearer now, resigned to his fate of thoroughly humiliating himself.
Lindsey Cartwright was young, maybe twenty-five. It was her first year teaching at Blackwell Junior High, so Fen couldn’t blame her entirely for how little she understood of the ways things worked there. She was constantly baffled by the focus on Norse mythology in the curriculum she’d been given, and watching her confusion made history class almost fun sometimes. Plus, she wasn’t quite as inclined to lump Fen in with his family and assume he was trouble, like other teachers, and her alphabetical-by-last-name seating chart didn’t account for separating him and Laurie like most of their teachers did.
Unfortunately, she also didn’t plan around separating either of them from Matt Thorsen. Seasoned Blackwell teachers, and even younger ones who had grown up around the small town, knew to keep Brekkes and Thorsens apart, aside from a few that were particularly brave. Famously, the year before, a bold English teacher had paired Fen’s cousin Skull with one of Matt’s older brothers based on their test scores. His experiment resulted in a firecracker of a friendship. The two were briefly inseparable, but their bond burnt down as quickly as it was struck up, leaving half the school divided in the wake of their falling-out.
Ms. Cartwright wasn’t brave, though, just naive. She wasn’t a particularly good teacher, either, even factoring in her lack of experience. Fen had been dreading the final project for the semester enough before she assigned partners and topics. She was the type who made the class choose pairs at random by drawing names out of a tissue box, and of course Fen ended up with the boy he hadn’t exchanged two friendly words with in their six and a half years in school together.
“Who did you get?” Fen whispered to Laurie, glaring at the slip of paper with Matt’s name.
“Jesse Hartman. He’s nice enough, and smart. Won’t be too bad. You?” Laurie looked up when he didn’t respond, and leaned over his shoulder to see who he’d drawn. She made a face.
“She’s incompetent, gotta be!” Fen said, in a hushed tone. “If she knew what she was doing, she’d have never let this happen.”
“She also would’ve never let us sit next to each other,” Laurie pointed out, unhelpfully.
“How am I supposed to tolerate him? We’re supposed to spend three weeks on this project!”
Laurie considered.
“Maybe you don’t,” she suggested quietly after a moment. “Make the whole thing hell, for her and for him, let her know her mistake.”
Fen toyed with the idea. Weeks on end of messing with Thorsen, and dragging their inexperienced teacher down with him, could be kind of fun. Except…
“I can’t. The guidance counselor said I might be held back if I fail any classes. I really need to get at least… a B, I think, on this project, or else I won’t have a high enough average to pass this class.”
“How do you figure out averages and stuff but you’re almost failing math?” Laurie asked.
“‘Cause that teacher’s an idiot too. Do you think she’d let us trade? Thorsen and Hartman are both geeks, it’ll be a match made in heaven. Then we can work together.”
“She said no trading, didn’t you hear?” Laurie knew better than to really think he did. Fen didn’t tend to pay attention until the teacher yelled at him for not listening. It was too late, even if they’d had a slim chance of convincing her to let them swap. The last people yet to choose partners had drawn.
“Find your partners, please, and I’ll assign you a topic!” Ms. Cartwright called over the din of middle schoolers complaining about their partners or celebrating having been assigned to friends. Laurie, who was just one row ahead and slightly to the left of Jesse, dragged her chair over, leaving Fen to scan the classroom for Matt.
Fen didn’t see red hair moving around at first, and honestly he was a little confused. Matt was one of the tallest and largest kids in their class, one of the few redheads, and the only boy with hair longer than his ears, so he was pretty easy to spot. Then he noticed Matt still sitting at his desk in the far left corner of the classroom. Fen sighed and got out of his seat, bracing himself for an exhausting few weeks.
“Couldn’t even try to get up and meet me halfway, Thorsen?” Fen asked, crossing his arms.
“Most of the end of the alphabet got up and moved forward, so there’s much more room here. This way we can have two desks instead of both cramming in at yours.” Fen kind of hated him for having a logical answer to that. Matt was infuriating in that way. He almost never actually did anything wrong, to hear him tell it, no matter how much of a jerk it seemed like he was being.
“It’s about the gesture. Acting like you give a…” Fen cut himself off. “Crap.”
“Since when have you given a crap about anything?” Matt asked. An annoyingly fair point.
“I got up, didn’t I?”
“And I’m sure I’ll do the rest of the work for this project. You’re fine. Sit down so she’ll give us a topic.”
Fen almost growled at that. Thorsen had absolutely no right to tell him what to do. He leaned against the bookcase behind Matt’s desk, fully aware that he was being childish and not really giving a damn. The pair waited, wordlessly, as the rest of the class settled into new seats and their teacher brought around a second tissue box. They were studying the rise and fall of civilizations, which was incredibly dull, in Fen’s opinion. And when Ms. Cartwright reached the back of the class, the only topic left was the fall of ancient Rome.
As the volume level in the classroom picked up again, Matt smiled seemingly in spite of himself.
“This might actually be kind of fun,” he muttered.
“And why is that, Thorsen?” Fen asked. “Enlighten me. This class sucks even when I do all the work with someone I can actually talk to.”
“Ancient Rome is fascinating . Their society was so advanced in some ways and so far behind in others, and-”
“Spare me the lecture. You’ll have to forgive me, I forgot who I was talking to.” Fen rolled his eyes. Of course the history buff already had a presentation locked and loaded about the world’s most boring empire, ready for anyone who asked. At least they’d get a passing grade.
“When do you want to work on the project?” Matt asked. “We don’t have much time right now, but we could meet up sometime over the weekend.”
Fen groaned.
“Alright, be like that,” Matt said. “I’m free tomorrow after lunch. We can meet at the library to get books and then go back to one of our houses.”
“Has anyone ever called you bossy before? Controlling, maybe?” Fen asked.
“Plenty. I don’t really mind. A lot can be accomplished if you take initiative.”
“Add obnoxious to the list, then. Saturday is fine. We can’t go to my house, though, we’ll have to do yours,” Fen added reluctantly. The last uncle who’d taken him in had finally gotten tired of him, and he was bouncing between Laurie’s house and a couple other friends while he waited for the family to find someone else who’d take him. He wasn’t exactly excited to willingly surround himself with Thorsens, but it’d have to do.
“Why not yours?” Matt asked.
“None of your business,” Fen snapped. He glared at Matt, but collected himself before continuing. His tone had turned a couple heads. Just two or three people close to them, but it was more attention than he wanted. “Do you need details about my home life to write about ancient Rome?”
“I guess not. Just… is everything okay?” He seemed genuinely concerned. Fen couldn’t decide if that was better or worse than Matt looking for things to use against him.
“It’s fine, Thorsen. I might like you a little better if you didn’t stick your nose where it doesn’t belong.” Fen thumped into the chair next to Matt. “Do you need anything from me today, or can we stop talking more than we have to?”
“I don’t need anything right now. I’ll see you at the library tomorrow at one, unless you have a problem with that too.”
Fen didn’t answer.
“Fen? Will you be at the library at one or not?” Matt prodded, not taking Fen’s silence as an answer like Fen had hoped.
“I’ll be there.”
When Fen got to the library about five minutes before one the next day, Matt was already settled on the floor in the history section, reading what looked like a historical fiction novel and carefully eating a sandwich over it. Fen stood watching him for a moment, hoping Matt would look up, but he was entirely absorbed in the book. His expression changed constantly while he read, which wasn’t something Fen had noticed before, despite years of sharing classes. Fen wouldn’t admit it for love or money, but it was kind of interesting to watch.
“Is that about Rome, or are you just that much of a nerd?” Fen asked, finally breaking the silence.
“It’s about the American Revolution. It’s a trashy romance and completely inaccurate, but it’s still entertaining.”
Fen laughed. Matt was clueless for someone so smart. Was he going to give Fen material to mock him that freely?
“It’s a romance novel?” Fen asked, through another snort.
“Like I said, it’s entertaining. Never said it wasn’t embarrassing. I can’t read them at home, though, and I’d rather you make fun of me than my brothers.”
“Your brothers must be bad, then, if I’m better than they are,” Fen said.
“Not really, but you don’t live with me.” Matt closed the book and tucked the remaining half sandwich into his messenger bag. Fen considered pointing out how much it looked like a purse, but decided to save it. If they started arguing later and Matt had the upper hand, it was best if Fen was prepared to divert the conversation.
“You know I could tell anyone at school you’re reading that, right?” Fen asked, hiding his confusion with a practiced scoff. “I don’t get it. How is it better for me to know than your family?”
“What was it you said yesterday? That your home life is none of my business? This is none of yours.”
Fen frowned. Matt was confusing. He almost felt bad, if Matt’s own family was worse than whatever embarrassment Fen could cause at school. In a moment of mercy, he decided privately to himself that he wouldn’t tell anyone about the romance novel. He wasn’t sure why, but it didn’t seem fair.
Matt stood up and found the section on ancient Rome quickly. Fen got the impression Matt was already well-versed in the history section of the library. They chose books together, and Fen was pleasantly surprised that Matt didn’t veto any of his suggestions. Thorsen could be kind of a know-it-all, and Fen was expecting that he’d take control of the project the second he got any leeway.
“My house is only about three blocks from here. Can you carry some of the books? They won’t all fit in my bag,” Matt said, as the librarian scanned the books and set them to the side.
“Sure, but some of these are heavy.”
“Not too many, just a few. I’ll take the heavy ones in my bag.”
“Why’d we need so many, anyway?” Fen asked.
“I want to be thorough. You picked almost as many as I did, anyway,” Matt said. True to his word, he shoved several of the larger books into his bag, and Fen collected the rest. They didn’t talk much on the brief walk to Matt’s house, but the silence felt less contemptuous than it had in the classroom the day before.
Matt’s household was so much different from any of the houses that Fen had stayed in. His family didn’t seem to try to talk to each other all that much, the way some of Fen’s friends acted with their parents, but they were around. Matt’s mom had left cookies on the counter for them to snack on, and Matt’s brothers, who were in high school, were playing video games together on the couch. They’d always seemed to get along well, at least from afar.
Fen and Matt settled into Matt’s bedroom. Matt offered Fen a desk chair and perched anxiously on the edge of his bed.
“I don’t have people over often. I don’t know if I’m supposed to do any host stuff or if we can just work on the project,” he confessed.
“We can work on the project,” Fen said. “It’s not like we’re friends or anything. We’re here so we don’t fail history, nothing else. Not to hang out.”
“Okay. Do you want to start by reading, or do you think we can make an outline based on what we already learned in class?” Matt asked. “Or something else. I’m open to suggestions.”
Fen was slightly taken aback. He was still expecting Matt to take charge of the project, like most of the nerdier or more popular kids usually did in groups.
“I think we can make an outline,” Fen said after a moment. “I mean, what do we want to talk about? More, like, political stuff, or more about wars and stuff?”
“I think we can do both, probably. It’s supposed to be a pretty long presentation.”
“That means more time together. Goody,” Fen said sarcastically.
“I’m not that bad. Look, we’ve gone twenty minutes without arguing now. Bet we can keep it up long enough to get some stuff done.”
“If you say so,” Fen said. He grabbed a scrap of paper from Matt’s desk and started jotting down ideas.
Fen hated how easy it was to work with Thorsen. When they had a purpose, they didn’t argue nearly as much, and Matt actually took him seriously. They still bickered, but they had an outline, bullet points for their first topic, and two more meeting times planned by the time Fen had to go so Matt could have dinner. It should’ve been a relief that the project wasn’t going to be quite as horribly as Fen had expected, but for some reason he had a bad feeling about how easy it was.
Tuesday and Thursday after school, Matt requested that they walk to the public library, rather than going to his house, and gave the excuse that the library had computers they could use. Matt had a family computer in the living room, Fen had seen it, but he didn’t question it. After all, Matt was fine with not even thinking of Fen’s house as an option, so Fen could respect Matt’s privacy. Matt seemed uncomfortable around his family, anyway, which was weird. The Thorsens had always seemed tight-knit, from a distance, but up close Fen couldn’t explain Matt’s subtle signs of anxiety.
They continued to work surprisingly well as a pair, falling into a rhythm of conversation amidst the little arguments, and Fen found himself almost enjoying the debate when it developed. Matt was really not all that bad to talk to. It was honestly kind of fun to push his buttons and see how he’d react, especially when he knew Matt would turn right around and do the same. Fen was more comfortable at the library, too. He tended to be on edge in his friends’ houses. If something went wrong, he didn’t have the home court advantage, they did.
The following weekend, though, Matt had a wrestling tournament on Sunday and the library was closed at two Saturday, so they had no choice but to go back to Matt’s house. Fen was a little nervous walking over. He took a deep breath, standing on Matt’s porch, and raised his hand to ring the bell.
“Hi, Fen,” Matt said, opening the door before Fen could ring the doorbell. He spoke quickly. “I realized this morning I forgot to tell you my parents aren’t home today, it’s just us and Jake. Do you think your parents would mind that?”
Fen scoffed. He hadn’t spoken to either of his parents in years, but Matt didn’t need to know that.
“It’s fine, they don’t care. How old is he? Fifteen?”
“Sixteen, now. I figured it wouldn’t be a big deal, but some people’s parents are weird. I didn’t have any way to reach you, so I’ve been worried all morning that I’d be making you come out here for nothing.” He was anxious, then. That explained how fast he was talking.
“It’s fine. Your parents don’t need to be here for us to work on the project.” Fen stepped into the entryway and wiped his feet on the floral-patterned mat.
“Okay, cool,” Matt said. “Since they’re not around, and Jake stays in his room, I thought we could sit in the living room instead of my room?” he suggested, closing the door behind Fen so the drizzle of icy rain that had just started couldn’t get inside. It had been a mild fall, for South Dakota, but now it was barely December and the weather wasn’t looking promising. The temperature had dropped considerably during Fen's walk over from Laurie’s apartment.
Fen nodded. He flopped onto Matt’s couch and dug through his bag. It was really Laurie’s, a large printed tote, but he’d started to understand the merits of a bag that was larger than a purse and smaller than a backpack. He really couldn’t say anything about Matt’s messenger bag now.
“Do you have the notes we took on the Germanic tribes in your notebook?” Matt asked. “I have all the stuff about political division, and some of the stuff is in that document online now, but I couldn’t remember where we were writing down the other stuff.”
Fen flipped through his notebook and held up the most recent page, which was filled back and forth with bits of his messy chicken-scratch handwriting and snippets of Matt’s.
“Thank god.” Matt sat on the couch next to Fen and looked over his shoulder at the notebook. “Do you want to work on that today? I’m getting so bored of which emperor betrayed whom.”
“Sure,” Fen said. Matt leaned in closer to flip the page back, and his shoulder bumped into Fen’s. For no discernable reason, Fen’s stomach flipped. It was unsettling. If he was intimidated by Matt, or thought he was in danger, nerves would be expected, but he didn’t. This didn’t quite feel like nerves, anyway, but it made his stomach quiver in the same way.
Fen leaned away quickly.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to bump into you. I know you don’t like being touched,” Matt said.
“I. Um. How did you… know that?” Fen asked, fumbling for whichever words presented themselves first.
Matt tilted his head slightly, confused.
“It’s pretty much common knowledge, right? You don’t let anyone but Laurie touch you, and barely even her.”
“I guess,” Fen said, brain still mush. Was this how he reacted when anyone touched him? He couldn’t quite remember. He wasn’t sure he’d ever been this much of a mess over an accidental touch. “What do you, um. How do you want to start?”
Matt dropped the subject, but Fen couldn’t redirect his brain, no matter how much he tried. He knew he was failing to put the pieces of something together, but he couldn’t tell what. He was incredibly conscious of himself, in a way he normally wasn’t. He tried to seem cool usually, sure, like anyone would, but he was suddenly too aware of the way he was sitting and whether he was choosing the right words. Fen grew wary as the afternoon passed. He knew something was off, and when he finally figured it out, he wished he hadn’t.
Fen got up to leave, after a couple hours of hard work and almost as much time running off-track with other topics of conversation, and as he stood he made a snarky comment. He couldn’t remember what he’d said even five minutes later, but he remembered that Matt looked right at him and rolled his eyes, and Fen’s stomach fluttered and he almost smiled. And it suddenly dawned on him. Was this what people meant when they talked about having a crush?
Fen’s stomach sunk at the thought. He could barely even consider the possibility to himself. And Thorsen, of all people. He wondered briefly if he’d somehow known this would happen, and maybe wanting to switch partners was a self-preservation instinct. He couldn’t remember exactly what it was he disliked about Matt in the first place, but he’d hated the idea of working with him. He just had to figure out how to get that feeling back.
“Hey, do you have a jacket?” Matt asked. Fen recalibrated, realizing he’d been standing in Matt’s entryway for a moment, unsure of how he got there and probably with his emotions clear as day on his face.
“I’m fine. Got my hoodie,” Fen said, holding his arms up to demonstrate. How stupid did he look? He wasn’t sure. Very, probably.
“Have you looked outside? It’s all gross sleet out there.”
“I’ll live, Thorsen. I’ve seen worse.” The last thing Fen needed was Matt trying to take care of him.
“How far are you walking?” Matt pressed.
“Just to my cousin’s place. It’s on Miller Street, it’s less than a mile.”
“Barely. Here, take this jacket,” Matt said, poking through the coats on the hanger. “It’s not completely waterproof, but the lining is pretty water-resistant, and it’s warm.”
“I don’t need your clothes , Thorsen, I’m fine.” Fen crossed his arms. He didn’t love the idea of walking home in the freezing rain with just a hoodie, but he hated the idea of taking Matt’s handouts for more than one reason.
“Jake just outgrew this one, and it’s not really my style or Josh’s. You’d be doing us a favor by letting me ‘lose’ it.” Matt held out the jacket. It was a thick plaid shirt, and it did look warm. The lining was a little shiny, like the inside of a winter jacket. Now that he thought about it, the cool grey pattern clashed with the bright, warm colors Matt tended to favor. Fen squirmed internally. Had he been paying attention to Matt’s wardrobe? That was an uncomfortable concept to confront.
Matt grabbed one of Fen’s arms, lifted it, and hung the jacket onto it unceremoniously. Fen froze. He couldn’t even look Matt in the eye.
“If one of my parents was home, I’d have them drive you, but I don’t trust Jake’s driving. You can wait if you want, but you keep spacing out, and I feel like it’s probably best if you get home. Not to tell you what to do or anything, I mean-”
“You’re fine, Thorsen.” Fen slipped the jacket on. He really hadn’t meant to take it, what was he doing? He opened the door, to leave before he did anything stupider than he already had, but he paused and turned before he left. “Thank you.”
Fen shut the door behind himself before Matt could respond. The walk to Laurie’s house felt longer now, but he would’ve been shaking by the time he reached the end of Matt’s block if he didn’t have the extra layer. He couldn’t quite control the thoughts swirling around his head, but he knew for sure that he wouldn’t tell anyone about them. Fen resolved that the best thing to do would be to pull back and stop talking to Matt again after the project was done. This was absolutely not a line of thinking he wanted to continue.
He kept the jacket, though.
Matt covered his mouth to hide his smile. He didn’t want to embarrass Fen by being too overbearing.
“That is about the cutest thing I’ve ever heard,” he said after a moment. So much for not being overbearing.
“Oh my god, shut up.” Fen leaned down to hide his face again.
“Do you still have the jacket?” Matt asked. Fen paused for a long moment.
“Maybe,” he mumbled.
“No. Really? It was just some cheap polyester thing Jake got on sale and tried to pass off on me.”
“It’s all the way at the back of my closet. What was I supposed to do, throw it away?” Fen asked.
“No, it’s really sweet. You’re never convincing me you’re not a sap now, though.” Matt readjusted, crossing his legs underneath him, and started packing up his lunch. He smiled. “You really had a crush on me since sixth grade?”
“On and off, but… yeah.” Fen looked up at Matt. “What? You’re looking at me all weird.”
“No, nothing. That’s just adorable, and I just have to go back to class now after hearing that whole story. It’s not fair.” Matt stood and offered Fen a hand to help him up. “I can give you another jacket, you know.”