Work Text:
Author: Leah
Pairing: SasuSaku
Warning: None
I love you
.
I love you,
I love you in an inexplicable way,
in an unconfessable way,
in a contradictory way.
.
A soft smile formed on her lips as she simply finished receiving the small flower offered by the grateful child for the work done. She whispered a thank you under her breath as she finished arranging her medical supplies, those she always carried with her, which were as natural to see as her pink hair or her deep green eyes, those utensils that only a person like her, with so many years in that job, would know well which ones to use to help an elderly woman in any remote village lost in the Land of Fire, one of those places that really was nothing more than a point for travelers.
How many times had they stopped their journey because someone needed their help? How many times had he seen her struggling to help sick, injured, complete strangers on their way? Quite a few already, considerable already, those same ones that normally he wouldn't have bothered to look at beyond what was necessary, or at least wouldn't have helped them in a way as direct as she tried even if he was more focused nowadays.
He still had a long way to go, he didn't even consider it prudent to return to Konoha despite everything, if it were up to him, he would even go alone.
But she had appeared suddenly, without giving him time to think about it, without giving him a chance to refuse, without allowing him to use logical arguments as to why she should stay home, with others, growing even more if possible as a medic, instead of being there with him, leaving her home for so long that he wouldn't know, leaving her home just to accompany him.
There she was, with that warm smile, there she was, with those eyes that despite the years and circumstances continued to look at him with the same adoration and love as the first day, perhaps more mature, bigger, with more understanding of the world... but they still had that purity they had always had, that purity of greenish colors that recalled old memories that in their time he considered buried.
But no, there they were.
.
I love you
with my moods that are many,
and change constantly.
so you already know,
time, life, death.
.
Sometimes it was still uncomfortable, still strange, sometimes Sasuke still looked at her in that way that seemed like he wasn't quite comfortable with her sudden and forced presence there, with that cold expression so his own that made anyone simply intimidated by his mere presence by the mere fact of what he was, what he represented, by seeing that dark eye and that eye that was a perfect sample of one of the greatest powers of the world.
Seeing his annoyed expression when sometimes she said one thing or another was painful even with that, even though in the grand scheme of things by now she felt more accustomed to his simple "hmph", or that the most he did was a gesture that didn't bring more explanation with it, sometimes she doubted there remained flying in her own mind.
Did he love her?
Sure, he respected her as a sufficient companion, he had told her and made it known through actions, but did he love her more... beyond? He didn't know, it was difficult to understand, his mood swings sometimes simply disconcerted her a lot while they traveled together, maybe because for practical purposes since they were children this was the first time in which they were really having a more direct deal that was not simply wanting to kill each other.
Traveling as almost adults across all countries was therefore a completely different experience, an experience that practically she herself forced because she refused to let him leave her behind, she refused to accept that he simply kept traveling alone, she decided that enough time alone was enough.
And although he didn't seem very willing to accept that the first time...
Well, now he was walking by her side and even helping her carry some medical scrolls that he had found in the land of lightning.
Was he comfortable with this? Was he really happy or just resigned?
And even if that were the case...
Did he have reasons for that even?
.
I love you...
with the world I don't understand,
with people who don't understand,
with the ambivalence of my soul,
with the incoherence of my actions,
with the fatality of destiny,
with the conspiracy of desire,
with the ambiguity of facts.
.
Everything was too strange most of the time, not because the world decided that basically he was still a bad guy, not because some small-time bandit decided it was a good idea to try to rob him, it had nothing to do with the fact that from time to time they recognized him enough to challenge him to a fight thinking he wasn't a big deal or that because he lacked an arm he was much weaker.
No, that was even normal, expected, it was basically his day-to-day since he decided to travel the world, it was in many ways the least of his concerns in his mind.
His main problem right now was that woman with pink hair and green eyes.
He could say he didn't understand the world in many ways, he could admit that he still tried to understand it better without being blinded by revenge, he had traveled it from end to end in order to understand it, he had made an effort to give his life a more coherent meaning even if people didn't quite understand his reasons or looked at him weirdly, he was in fact a perfectly capable man of standing in the middle of a crowd and still holding his head high.
But there, in front of her, in front of that girl who did nothing more than simple things, he could say that inside he felt nothing more than a simple idiot, an ordinary man who diverted his gaze where he shouldn't divert it, a member of the male species unable to deny the mere fact that his teammate had become an indisputably beautiful woman.
And the problem wasn't simply that, beautiful women he had seen plenty, traveling the world helped in that, the problem came when it was specifically her, the problem arose the minute he heard her laugh, the moment he saw her make those gestures with her face when she thought about something, even when she got angry because they underestimated her, all of her, even doing something very simple, made a feeling emerge deep inside him, that same feeling that even if he didn't want to admit it, had made him give up the idea of making her give up staying with him instead of going back home after a month.
Sometimes he was bothered by the uncomfortable feeling, because that warmth he felt he knew he didn't deserve it, a man like him, with so many burdens on his back, with so many problems caused, with so much dirt on his conscience... a man like him didn't deserve to feel his heart beating fast when he saw those eyes when the light illuminated her face in a sunset, he had no right to wish to get closer than allowed to her face to detail every little contour, he had no reason to want to know what it would feel like to kiss her or let himself be carried away by the scent of flowers that her hair gave off even while being outdoors and without a comfortable way to bathe.
She was basically a forbidden fruit.
A forbidden fruit that, even if she didn't show it on the outside, on the inside was eating away at every little piece of that heart that he had taken care to lock away.
At what point had he fallen so much?
The situation was... that since he was a child he had.
.
Even when I tell you I don't love you, I love you,
even when I deceive you, I don't deceive you,
in the background, I carry out a plan,
to love you better.
.
Time passed slowly and yet quickly, the adventures were real as they explored the world, and he could admit that a part of himself enjoyed it simply because even with the dangers, having the opportunity to see more of the world was always welcome.
Besides, over time, he could better notice more facets of Sasuke, enough to notice that sometimes his expressions that at first she associated with contempt, were rather situational discomfort.
Even if so parsimonious and for the rest difficult to notice, she was already beginning to see much better how sometimes there were things that simply bothered him too much and that made him close himself off in his own way, like, for example, children, Sasuke still seemed to distance himself a little more when a small child approached him with their own innocence, as if he simply feared snatching that away from them at the end of the day due to his own acts.
It didn't matter that she said it, that she even tried to alleviate his discomfort herself, he still burdened himself with everything he considered bad in his life, unable to see that light that both she and Naruto knew he had, that light for which they had bet on him for so many years.
Sometimes he seemed to let go more, little by little, step by step, with her.
On more than one occasion he managed to string together more than one word, some question that reflected his feelings, some more significant look about it that had to be honest with herself, confused her, even if she preferred to tell herself that it was only her imagination fooling her, that he didn't look at her differently than he would at anyone else he had lived with enough to be her friend.
She had repeated it to herself until she was tired the day she decided to ask him, that starry night where she looked at him and the words simply flowed from her mouth without thinking, without stopping, without being able to think about it anymore.
Do you feel anything for me?
Him looking at her and saying with absolute resolution a "No" had been enough for herself at that moment, enough for her to convince herself that what she seemed to see hidden behind his dark eye was nothing more than empathy for not wanting to make her feel bad, that it was nothing more than that.
That he was simply considerate of his old teammate, that this time he wasn't so blinded by revenge as not to take into consideration that it hurt her.
The only one who saw things she shouldn't see was herself.
.
I love you...
without reflecting, unconsciously,
irresponsibly, spontaneously,
involuntarily, by instinct,
on impulse, irrationally.
.
And then it was when impulses won over reason.
What was supposed to have gone through my mind the second I decided to approach her and kiss her in that way? What was I supposed to be doing at the moment when I let myself be carried away by her scent and warmth? How soft her skin felt under the touch of my fingers?
It shouldn't be like this, Sakura wasn't supposed to look so beautiful in that cave, she didn't have to snuggle against me seeking warmth, I didn't have to hug her, I didn't have to look at her, I didn't have to let myself get caught up in those eyes she had.
She was supposed to go home sooner rather than later, she was supposed to go back to Konoha while I still traveled the world, she was supposed to assume that she didn't feel anything for her by the time she asked, to be discouraged enough to already accept that the best thing was for her to continue her own path, that the best thing was simply to start a family with a man who could give her a traditional home, a man who wasn't broken.
It was supposed to... that so many things that weren't her and I together in that cave.
But it had happened, I had touched her, I had kissed her, with the storm outside roaring with force, with the thunder hiding the sounds that came out of her mouth as I caressed her, as I touched her, as I kissed her, as I left marks all over her white skin.
I had taken her without even remembering myself that I shouldn't do it, I had simply taken her letting myself be carried away by that primitive instinct, hearing her moan my name was something that escaped my own capacity for reasoning.
I wasn't even capable of feeling bad when I noticed that I was the first for her.
Even selfishly, I could say that trying to think again about the logical arguments that I had given myself to tell me why she should go and start a family with another man made me feel worse.
Seeing her peaceful face sleeping on my chest, feeling her so close to me as the daylight appeared, feeling her warm breath against my skin, all of that together only reinforced those selfish feelings, that pleasant sensation of knowing that I wanted to have her always like that, as much as I could, every time I could.
I didn't want her to go with a man who didn't even have a face for me.
.
Indeed, I have no logical arguments,
not even improvised ones
to justify this love I feel for you,
that mysteriously emerged from nowhere,
that hasn't magically solved anything,
and that miraculously, little by little, with little and nothing
has improved the worst of me.
.
I had thought it was a dream, I hadn't been able to see reality until I ended up opening my eyes and realizing how we were, how we both were at that moment.
I had come to fear it was a mirage, another fantasy, but sooner rather than later I noticed that it wasn't like that, and facing that, I couldn't help but look at him still trying to understand it all, still trying to know if this was a matter of a feeling, or simply because he also had needs to fulfill.
But....
But I could swear I had felt a real feeling in his arms.
Those doubts crowded my head, and as expressive as I could really be with him, maybe simply because it was difficult not to be an open book for him, I felt his hand caressing my own hair, and his lips kissing my forehead, in a gesture so intimate that it even threw me off for a moment.
The questions weren't necessary the moment I heard a whisper, a simple whisper that in these circumstances I understood perfectly.
Yes, I do.
The tears gathered, one by one, wanting to cry without more, understanding better those gestures, those words without words, that which I told myself to convince myself that it wasn't what I saw, that I was wrong, that I really didn't know Sasuke as much as I was beginning to believe I did.
.
I love you,
I love you with a body that doesn't think,
with a heart that doesn't reason,
with a head that doesn't coordinate.
.
I had come to believe that the hardest part would simply be accepting my feelings for her, naive of me to think that the rest wouldn't be just as complex.
Feeling my senses collide with her every time she did something was new, strange, and frightening, reopening my ties to a level where I knew I wouldn't be able to bear if something happened to her was beyond everything for me at this point in my life, that my head didn't cooperate as it should only made it more difficult, that my own body sought her without me understanding things was something I still clashed too much with to be completely comfortable.
Lucky that most of the time we were alone, I could leave that side of myself without so much trouble, let her dig a little deeper into that seal that surrounded my heart with her joy and way of being.
And it was that Sakura was happy, she was pure bliss, she accompanied me with a glow around her that could only come from the happiness she felt by my side, How could it be possible that a woman like her would come to love someone like me? A question that I still asked myself, that I still didn't understand, but that was nothing compared to what I myself knew.
She was perfectly capable of expressing out loud why she loved me, using more sentimental than logical arguments, those that simply no one but herself understood and saw in me.
I was the opposite of her in so many aspects that it was ironic that not even I had logical arguments as to why I loved her.
I simply knew that I did.
.
I love you
incomprehensibly,
without asking myself why I love you,
without caring why I love you,
without questioning why I love you.
.
And there he was again, with that meaningful look, with that expression so his when we were alone, but this time it didn't confuse me, because I simply smiled.
Because I knew that even if he didn't express it out loud, even if he simply didn't know how to externalize it completely... his heart was mine, and mine was his.
And nothing else mattered than that.
.
I love you
simply because I love you,
I myself don't know why I love you.