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Johnnie thinks it started when his father died, this isn’t right though. His doctors say it’s a chemical imbalance, one that can’t be fixed. They say he has to have been born with it, which Johnnie struggles to understand so at night when he’s alone he watches as pretty crimson blood drips down his wrists onto the floor. Johnnie is 13.
Johnnie is 15 when he goes to a warped tour concert. He loves the emo scene and the music that goes along with it. He meets Bryan, and Bryan is older but Johnnie doesn’t mind. He likes having a friend. He jots down words he thinks would be in a song, maybe performed live one day, but these words are his thoughts too. Bryan likes that.
Months later his mother decides she can’t deal with him anymore. Johnnie can hardly get out of bed most days and he’s dropped out of school. His mother loves him, but she loved her husband too. She couldn’t handle him along with the process of grieving her late husband at the same time. So, she gives him an alternative, Johnnie can go to boarding school or he can live on the streets. She feels guilty, of course. Any good mother would, but she feels like she’s going insane, and she can’t take care of herself and her son at the same time.
Johnnie is 16 when he moves in with Bryan. Bryan is nice to him and lets him do things that his mother wouldn’t let him, like drink alcohol. Johnnie doesn’t like the taste but he likes how it makes him feel, or he likes how it makes him forget.
Bryan says Johnnie is broken. Bryan says Johnnie can’t be fixed and Johnnie believes him. Nobody would ever want to fix Johnnie. Nobody wants to be around him. He’s too miserable for everybody except Bryan. Bryan loves Johnnie and Johnnie thinks he loves Bryan too. Even so, late at night, when Bryan isn’t awake, Johnnie takes the cold silver blade and watches as the blood drops to the white bathroom floor. If Bryan notices he doesn’t say anything.
Johnnie is 17 when Bryan introduces him to a girl named Alex. She’s pretty and nice and lets Johnnie talk to her. She doesn’t call him broken and she thinks she can fix him. Alex is kind and Johnnie loves the way her hair falls down her shoulders. He loves the way she holds his hand and kisses him gently. He loves her and she loves him too. Johnnie doesn’t love Bryan.
Bryan doesn’t like Alex too much. He thinks she’s taking Johnnie away from him but Johnnie argues that he was never Bryan’s to begin with. He shuts up when Bryan threatens to kick him out.
Johnnie’s just a kid and Bryan is in his twenties. Bryan is still nice to Johnnie, of course, but lately Bryan has been acting weird. Johnnie says he wants to move out. Alex offers him a place to live. Johnnie says he wants to talk to his mom. He calls her. Johnnie doesn’t want to be friends with Bryan anymore. Bryan takes off Johnnie’s shirt.
Johnnie is 18 when he moves in with Alex. He loves her. She thinks she loves him too. She loves their little dog that feels like a child to them. Johnnie and Alex are thinking about having kids. Johnnie clings to her at night. Alex hides her phone. Johnnie loves her so much but that isn’t enough to fix him. His thoughts get overwhelming and he picks up the blade and watches the blood run down his thighs. Alex doesn’t like Johnnie’s scars.
Johnnie is 21 when he finds Alex’s messages with an unknown man. They say all the things that Alex says to Johnnie at night when they’re in bed. The things that Bryan said to Johnnie as a joke that Johnnie hated. The things that Alex says at night that Johnnie loves. The unknown man loves them too. Alex breaks up with Johnnie and takes his dog. Johnnie is alone again.
Johnnie is 24 and lives with his mother. She doesn’t mind anymore because Johnnie stays quiet and doesn’t bother her. She turns a blind eye when she sees bandaids missing from her bathroom. She doesn’t bring up the bloody tissues in Johnnie’s bathroom trash. She doesn’t mention it when Johnnie stays in his room for days without eating and she doesn’t ask about what Bryan and Alex did to him. She cares but it’s not enough.
Johnnie is 25 when he meets Jake on a livestream. He talks to him through instagram and he thinks Jake is awesome. He likes talking to him but it feels all too familiar. It feels like how it felt when Bryan started talking to Johnnie. It feels even worse that Jake wants to care. It feels worse when Jake wants to fix him. Alex wanted to fix him.
Johnnie gets worse. He stays in his room and doesn’t sleep. The bloody tissues in the bathroom pile up faster and he has to go out of his way to ask his mother for bandaids. Jake gets worried when Johnnie doesn’t message him back. Johnnie can’t bring himself to care even if he knows it’s making Jake upset. He doesn’t think that somebody as kind as Jake deserves somebody like Johnnie. Johnnie is broken and he can’t be fixed. That’s what the doctors say. That’s what Bryan said. That’s what Alex said.
Johnnie doesn’t think he should live anymore. Johnnie thinks that he is a burden to everyone around him, especially his mother. Especially Jake. Jake can make him laugh and smile and makes him feel like he did when he was around Bryan and Alex. Johnnie doesn’t like that feeling anymore. It makes his body freeze up and his mind go to bad places. Johnnie doesn’t like Jake very much anymore.
Johnnie tries to kill himself. He chugs a bottle of whatever alcohol he could find and passes out. The container of benadryl is still closed. He couldn’t even kill himself. He was so stupid that he failed at that too. He tells Jake about it. Jake pays for Johnnie to fly to Los Angeles and live with him.
Johnnie is scared and excited. He likes Jake and it scares him but so does everything else. Johnnie is giving life one last chance, if this doesn’t work then nothing ever will and it would be his own fault because Johnnie is broken and you can’t fix broken. Late at night, when Jake is asleep, Johnnie goes to their shared bathroom and watches blood fall down his thighs. Jake doesn’t like it when Johnnie hurts himself so Johnnie takes extra steps so Jake doesn’t find out. He flushes the bloody toilet paper and buys his own bandaids.
Johnnie is 26. He likes living with Jake and Jake never calls him broken. Jake is patient and kind and understands that Johnnie is mentally ill. Jake knows he can’t fix Johnnie but that doesn’t stop him from being there when Johnnie is sad. It doesn’t stop him from holding Johnnie’s shaky hands when he’s anxious. It doesn’t stop him from finding Johnnie’s hidden razor blades in his dresser drawers and flushing them down the toilet. He hopes Johnnie doesn’t buy more. Jake loves Johnnie. Johnnie isn’t sure what he feels and he hasn’t been sure since he was 18.
Johnnie goes to parties with Jake and people make fun of Johnnie for being emo. They ask for him to show his wrists and to talk about Alex. They make fun of Johnnie for being single. Johnnie doesn’t pay attention but he knows that Jake chuckles. He doesn’t know what that implies but he knows it isn’t an objection. Jake stays his friend and he sits with Johnnie when he’s sad so Johnnie ignores this. He likes Jake and that’s scary.
Johnnie doesn’t know how he feels about Tara. She’s nice but she makes Jake sad. Then, she makes Jake happy. It reminds Johnnie of his relationship with Bryan, but Bryan didn’t love Johnnie in the way that Jake loves Tara. Jake’s love for Tara is pure and sweet. Bryan’s love for Johnnie was lustful and made Johnnie feel gross. Jake doesn’t make Tara feel gross.
Jake and Tara break up and this makes Johnnie feel something. It’s an emotion that he can understand and he likes that. He feels safe and comforted by this feeling even though it’s wrong. He feels relieved and guilty. He wants Jake all to himself. Bryan wanted Johnnie all to himself. Does this make Johnnie a predator like Bryan was? Johnnie sits on the floor of the bathroom and watches as the white tiles turn red. Then, he cleans up.
Jake kisses Johnnie’s forehead and that’s okay. Jake wraps his arms around Johnnie and that feels okay too. Jake whispers words that aren’t made for people like Johnnie and Johnnie freezes up. He feels like he did when Alex told him those words and he wants to pull away from Jake.
Johnnie doesn’t mind letting Jake hold him when Johnnie wants to be held because it’s easy when Johnnie wants too. When Tara hugs Johnnie it reminds him of Alex. Not because he likes Tara like he loved Alex but because she’s sweet and kind like her. He has mixed feelings about Tara holding him.
Tara and Johnnie are just friends. Jake and Johnnie aren’t. They haven’t had an official talk but Jake holds Johnnie in his arms lovingly almost every night and they’ve kissed twice. Johnnie thinks that means something.
Jake calls Johnnie pretty words that make him smile, pet names and such. Johnnie hasn’t heard those in 5 years. It makes Johnnie feel weird and good and it makes his stomach churn. He thinks he likes Jake a lot.
Jake tells Johnnie that they’re going to live together forever and Johnnie loves the idea. He’s never found something so easy in his life. He loves living with Jake and he loves their routine. He loves being held and whispered those words that Jake says so confidently without hesitation. Johnnie still doesn’t think he deserves the praise but he gets less flustered and defensive now. Johnnie hasn’t had to buy a new razor and he hasn’t had to buy new bandaids. Johnnie loves Jake and he knows that for sure. Jake loves Johnnie more than he can say in words. Johnnie knows this because Jake doesn’t have to use words. He doesn’t call Johnnie broken and that’s enough.
Jake and Johnnie live together, and they kiss, and eat meals together. They’re together and they can’t tell anyone. It isn’t like when Johnnie lived with Bryan. It’s like how Jake loved Tara. Their love is pure and sweet and Johnnie loves everything about it.
Johnnie isn’t broken but he can’t be fixed. Jake makes him feel like he doesn’t need to be fixed.