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2nd January 2020
It had only been over a week and Jeongwon decided that he wasn’t yet ready to stop feeling excited and giddy at the mere thought of Jang Gyeoul. Jang Gyeoul. His resident- the one that he had gotten off with on the wrong foot, one whose presence had tormented him for months - one who he learnt was the purest, most innocent person he had ever met, one who liked him despite how harsh he had been with her, one who dared to cross the line when he was too afraid – the one who was now his to hold and cherish.
It was all new. His very existence felt new because now he lived in a world where he had someone special consuming his every thought and action. The feeling was quite unlike anything he had ever felt before. It felt strangely uncertain, yet safe. He walked into the ER to check on a patient from earlier and his eyes fell on Gyeoul. She was tending to a patient, her tiny hands putting pressure on the old lady’s abdomen. Jeongwon smiled because that was now his body’s involuntary reaction to anything to do with Jang Gyeoul. Several minutes later, he stood waiting for her at the nurse's desk. Gyeoul, he could see, was done with her patient but showed no signs of coming to the nurse's station.
JW: Can we have lunch in my office today?
He hoped the text would bring her attention to him. It did. Jeongwon saw Gyeoul open the message but nobody who looked at her then could have imagined that she had just received a clandestine lunch invitation from her new boyfriend - her first boyfriend. Jeongwon admired how stoic the woman could be. Before he could move on to the next thought, his phone chimed.
JG: Sure! 😀
Jeonwon sniggered. So much for stoicism!
JW: 1:45. Any preference?
JG: I’m fine with anything. See you later
JW: See you ❤️
***
Gyeoul walked nervously to Jeonwon’s office. The last time she was here was 8 days ago and it was…well…earth-shattering to say the least. She was worried she would be seen by someone. What if Kim Junwan gyosunim came in? No one knew about them. They had not spoken about the logistics of being in this relationship. All conversations until now centred on sweet nothings that amounted to nothing, which they were aware of. But how could they resist the whimsical frivolities of new love when both of them were inexperienced, clueless souls who were currently beyond smitten with each other?
Gyeoul knocked on the door softly, causing her to recollect how apprehensive she had been when she had knocked at this door the last time. Before three seconds were even up, the door flung open. Jeongwon’s face beamed at her causing her heart to miss a beat. She was still not used to the attention she had been getting from him lately. And the fact that this smile was for her and only her made her stomach do somersaults.
“Baegoppa?” he asked, putting his arm around her and ushering her towards the table.
“Ne,” she said shyly, nodding her head. She noticed that the table had been moved closer to Jeongwon’s desk, leaving no chance for prying eyes to look into the glass frame of the door to see two people having a cosy meal. This was the first meal she was having in the hospital with him.
“What if Kim Junwan gyosunim walks in?”
“He’s in Changwon.”
She nodded thoughtfully. Chae Songhwa gyosunim was in Sokcho. Lee Ikjun gyosunim had gone for the day to an affiliate hospital to lend his expertise to their HPB department. That left only Yang Seokhyeong gyosunim.
“What about Yang Seokhyeong gyosunim?”
Jeongwon looked at her and realised what she was worried about. “In surgery. Don’t worry, no one’s going to come,” he said, placing a large chunk of meat in her rice bowl.
Gyeoul could finally relax and eat and that she did, with great gusto. If it had been Songhwa wolfing down food like she was doing now, he would have asked if she had skipped breakfast. But when it came to Gyeoul, he could only think that she wasn’t eating enough. To be honest, watching her eat (a sight he couldn’t imagine ever getting tired of) filled his stomach. He kept on piling things in her bowl.
“Gyosunim, you’re not eating!”
“I am, don’t worry about me. You should eat well though. You have a long day ahead.”
“Khamsahbnida,” she said, attacking him with a rare full smile. Come to think of it, these smiles were getting less rarer these days. And if at first he thought Gyeoul was quiet as a mouse and cold as ice, he couldn’t have been more wrong. If she felt comfortable (and to his joy he realised that she did indeed feel comfortable around him), she could be as animated as an excited child, expressing her innocent and honest thoughts on things. And food being something that made her happy, she could talk endlessly while she was getting fuelled up. How delightful this discovery was to him!
They didn't budge from their positions despite having finished their meals. Mid-conversation, Jeongwon reached out and took hold of her hand, which brought about several seconds of silence between them.
“I wish we weren’t so busy,” he said with a sad face, “I wish to hold your hand like this, often.”
Gyeoul revelled in the sensations that went through her spine when he squeezed her hand.
“I like it when you hold my hand,” she admitted shyly. “I wish we could hold hands more too.”
“Is it? And what else do you wish?” he asked earnestly. He knew he was new to this but he wanted to leave no stone unturned when it came to being the ideal boyfriend to her.
“As in?” she asked, puzzled.
“Mmm. What are the things you’d like to do? I know you haven’t dated before but there must have been things you’d have imagined doing with the person you saw yourself dating in the future.”
Gyeoul gave it some thought. “I think I am just a regular girl. The thought of doing all things regular with you makes me happy.”
“Like what things?” he prodded.
“Having a meal with you like this. Maybe going for walks? Going to a food market and having piping hot hotteok. Going to the movies... Actually, doing anything with you would be lovely.”
Jeongwon looked at her with eyes full of love. He felt the same. Doing anything was good, even quietly being in the same room was good, as long as it was with her.
“What about you gyosunim? Are there things you want to do?”
“I think…yes.”
“What?”
“I want to do all the things you mentioned, of course. But I want to do more.”
Gyeoul widened her eyes curiously.
“I guess…I am a regular guy too? I want to wear matching clothes, couple shoes. We don’t have to, of course, not if you don't like it,” he added with a lower voice. He wasn’t sure if Gyeoul would like doing these very very couply things.
“I would like that too, yes. Not already. Maybe later, in some time,” she lowered her head trying to hide her smile that was fighting to break free.
Jeongwon understood her hesitation. It was still too new. Maybe she wanted to take it slow. He felt a pang of guilt suddenly. After being mean to her for months, he had kissed her when she confessed last week. He crossed a line which felt right to him at the time but it must have come as a shock to her. He didn’t mind waiting. Just the fact that Gyeoul was willing to forgive him for his cold behaviour in the past meant everything to him.
“I didn't think you’d like doing these couply things,” she said cautiously.
“Oh”
“It makes me happy.”
“Oh?”
“I thought that because you’re so much more mature than I am… you’d not want to indulge in these things.”
Jeongwon nodded. “I can understand why you would feel like that. Can we just… Can we keep our age difference aside when it comes to us? We’re both starting at the same…level of this journey?...for the first time. That makes neither of us more mature.”
Gyeoul nodded in understanding and agreement. Jeongwon looked visibly relieved.
“Does being older than me bother you?”
“If I’m being honest…yes.”
“Hmm”
“Does it bother you that I am so much older?”
“Aniyo. If I have to be honest…I like it. I don't know why,” she admitted, looking slightly embarrassed.
Jeongwon was surprised. This was surprising. But he wasn’t going to question something that worked in his favour.
“You don’t have to be embarrassed or hesitant when it comes to speaking your mind with me. I want to know everything that’s going on in that mind of yours.”
“Everything?”
“Yes, everything.”
“Even if it’s silly?” she asked cheekily.
“Especially if it's silly.”
“Okay. I’m curious then. You said you like the idea of us wearing matching things, which surprised me. But…what about it makes it appealing to you?”
Jeongwon sat back. It was a good question and he was as curious to find out what about it felt appealing. “I think I like the idea of people knowing that we are together within moments of glancing at us.”
“I see. I…I’m not sure if I want people to know that about us yet.”
“I understand. I don't expect us to do it any time soon, don’t worry.”
“Okay 🙂”
“Now that I think about it, I guess, it’s also the idea of two people who like each other so much that they put thought into wearing complementary things. It’s like an unabashed declaration of what they feel for each other.”
Gyeoul’s smile waned as she heard these words.
“It also feels like you’re stating that you belong to someone?” Jeongwon continued, eyes elsewhere, not realising that Gyeoul was beginning to look serious. He was lost in his own blissful thoughts. “Like, if someone saw me wearing a couple T-shirt, they would immediately know I am yours…does that make sense?” he asked, turning his attention to her again. “...and… I have upset you. I’m sorry, what happened?”
Gyeoul had a sad frown on her face and she didn’t immediately respond. “I feel like I’m disappointing you,” she said after several beats.
“What? NO! How?”
“I didn't realise wearing matching things meant so much to you.”
“It doesn’t! I swear. I wouldn’t even have thought of all this hadn’t you asked me.” Jeongwon was deeply worried now. He was stupid. How could he say all this and not assume that she would feel pressured? He had to remedy the situation and do it quickly before he could upset her any further. He had already made her feel small for months and there was no way he was going to let any of those feelings touch her again.
“Gyeoulah. Listen to me.”
She looked at him and it was clear that she was upset about disappointing him. He was determined to change her mind.
“The feeling of belonging to someone can come out of many things.”
“Like?”
“So many things! For example, if you ask me to give you my scarf, I’d be happy. Because you only ask for things from people that are close. I’d be happy that you felt like you had the right to take something that is mine. That would make me feel belonged.”
Gyeoul nodded slowly, his reasoning making sense.
“Do you have a pen on you?” he said, extending his hand. Gyeoul took out her pen from her pocket and handed it over to him.
“I’m taking this.”
“Okay?”
“So that whenever I use it, I’ll think of you and feel good about having taken something from you because…we belong together. So, we share things. Understood?” he asked, handing the pen back to her, feeling relieved that she was starting to smile again.
Gyeoul pushed back his hand towards him and said, “It's yours now.” She had scrunched her smiling lips, hoping he didn't find it silly. She hadn’t imagined that the first thing she’d ever give him was a regular pen!
Jeongwon smiled too, pocketing the pen. “Is there something of mine you want?” he indulged.
“Mmmm…” Gyeoul looked around and she spotted something on his table. “That.”
Jeongwon looked behind to see what she was pointing at. “Huh?”
Gyeoul walked to his table and picked up a yellow binder clip from his stationery stand. “I want this.”
“A binder clip? Come on!”
“Why not?”
“It’s such an insignificant thing!”
“As opposed to my very regular pen which is very significant?”
Jeongwon was defeated by the sound logic but was still not ready to yield. “Pick something else, please.”
“No. I want this.”
“Fine. Suit yourself.”
Their lunch break was almost over and they had to get back to their respective schedules. They cleaned up the table and moved it back to its original place.
“I shall take your leave now gyosunim. I’ll see around,” Gyeoul said, feeling happy about their little lunch date.
“Wait,” Jeongwon said, awkwardly engulfing her in a hug, not feeling fine until she melted into his arms. He patted her head, which was quickly becoming one of his favourite things to do.
“I’ll see you later,” he said, releasing her.
Three hours later…
Jeongwon was in consultation with a patient, making a rough diagram of the throat of his little patient. He was explaining to the parent why his daughter needed surgery in her throat. Mid-drawing, the pen he was using stopped working. When the nurse saw him struggling to make the pen work, she reached out to the pen stand to offer him a fresh pen. But Jeongwon signalled her to not bother. He took out Gyeoul’s pen from his pocket and continued drawing with a small secret smile on his face that he quickly hid from the parent. Earlier, he had given his grand explanation on sharing things to Gyeoul only to make her feel better. He hadn’t realised that it actually worked. Having a tiny thing that was hers on him was not an insignificant thing at all.
When he was done with consultations, he went down to the coffee shop, where Seokhyeong was already waiting for him with coffee. The two men settled down comfortably, unwinding after the day they had had and Seokhyeong went into the details of the strange complication that came up during his surgery. That is when he saw Gyeoul walk in with Do Jaehak and Heo Seonbin. Something on her caught his attention immediately. There was a yellow binder clip on her head keeping her hair in place. Jeongwon blinked.
Gyeoul felt eyes on her and her instincts made her turn her eyes towards the source of this feeling. She saw her gyosunim looking at her, a small, surprised smile on his face. She knew the reason behind it and touched the binder clip on the side of her head, making it look like she was adjusting its grip. He was right. Sharing things did create a sense of belonging. She smiled at him and the two waited for a moment before averting their gaze away from each other. They had a secret - a shared secret - one that they could proudly flaunt and no one would know. Because it was a secret that was theirs alone.