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I saw it all, from heartbreaking delight to crippling pain.
That's why we left it all behind, you, me and the violence.
It was hot, then a degree too cold.
There was no time to process anything; immediately breaking into wakefulness, Yuugo sat bolt-upright and looked around himself- the room was empty, everything looked familiar and unfamiliar all at once. Everything felt so close yet so far away. Everything was so dark yet so blindingly bright. His chest hurt, and while he couldn’t feel it proper, his head pounded, and yet it became apparent his head was too quiet. His second imperative was Lucas – where had he gone? Was he even here? Was he the only one? He sat in silence, feeling like a lost child waiting for their parent to come find them.
It was hard for Yuugo to tell how much time had passed between them waking, it could have been seconds, minutes, perhaps and hour or more… but over an hour felt unlikely. Regardless, he just sat there, feeling small, insignificant, like he could cry and yet no tears came to him. It was at the moment he became frustrated when he heard a voice;
‘Yuugo?’
He got to his knees in a cautious gesture and squinted, hard, for the room seemed so small yet stretched on forever. It was almost claustrophobic, like he could see the end and yet every wall was far too close. ‘Yuugo?’ He rose to his feet, arms hanging limp at his side. He wanted to call back, yet his voice caught in his throat.
Standing up made him feel no bigger.
Once more, ‘Yuugo.’
He turned, now, and looked behind him as Lucas approached. All Yuugo could do was stretch out a once-gloved hand to him, and Lucas extended the same. Their fingers entwined, and Lucas pulled him into a firm embrace, his hand on Yuugo’s back. The embrace was barely reciprocated. They lingered for a moment and it was Lucas who pulled away first, holding Yuugo at arms’ length to get a good, assessing look at him. Why couldn’t he say anything? ‘You know, I don’t feel like I’ve truly seen you. An entire year, and I’m not sure either of us truly experienced any of it. Have we?’ Yuugo remained silent for a time.
‘...No,’ he barely managed, feeling like he was choking on hot ash, ‘I’ve been away.’ Lucas pulled him back into his chest, forcing his head into his neck, while Yuugo dug his nails into his shoulders and unleashed upon him; almost his entire face became wet at once and with it, Lucas’ neck. Both sunk to their knees in a heap, and Lucas held him, and started to cry with him.
They had managed to sleep for a time. Again, it was Yuugo who stirred first, and awoke Lucas shortly after admiring his company. They sat in silence for a short period, before Lucas broke the silence once more, ‘So,’ he began in an even tone, ‘where were we?’
Yuugo sat upright, separated from Lucas, and stared ahead. ‘I’m not sure. My thoughts are gone. This’ll take me a while.’ Silence.
‘I can start- everything happened so quickly, didn’t it? We were together, separated, together again. Thirteen years, concluded in a day. So many bodies in one shelter, it’s hard to get a moments’ peace.’ Yuugo nodded to this, ‘And, I assume, from the stories I’ve heard, this is an overwhelming amount of bodies for you as well.’
‘Overwhelming,’ he began, struggling to pick his next words, ‘sure. They locked me in a room.’ He tried to make himself sound more bitter than he felt. Lucas couldn’t help but chuckle at him, clearly his companion felt just as endeared by this with hindsight as he did upon hearing it.
‘Was that the result of threatening to kill or seriously maim children? Or did that come after?’
He winced. ‘...It was after. There was no threatening, I informed them that they could leave of their own accord and I wouldn’t hurt them.’
‘Hm, that sounds like a threat.’ He teased.
The two fell silent for several seconds. Yuugo looked about the room once more before settling his eyes on Lucas. ‘I think we’re fucked.’ His chest felt tight. Lucas sighed.
‘I do believe this is it.’
‘I was going to go sooner. Far sooner.’ They both fell silent again. Lucas didn’t know what to say; sorry didn’t feel appropriate, I could have guessed felt cocky and condescending- so he had nothing else. ‘The day they came, really. Nearly walked in on it. Messy.’ Yuugo’s gaze dropped to the floor. None of this gave Lucas any more hint as to what to say next. ‘I think I needed to see you again. Or I would have killed myself in front of those kids anyway. And that ain’t exactly fair.’ This really wasn’t getting any easier to respond to.
‘But you didn’t. Another year.’
‘Another year.’ More silence.
‘I know it’s not really gotten easier. In some ways, you’re still my friend. Brother. In other ways, you’re someone I struggle to recognise.’ Lucas had lowered his head to try and meet his gaze. Yuugo felt his throat solidify. The air felt immensely dense around his face. ‘...In some ways, at least,’ Lucas quickly corrected, ‘really, it’s you in any form. Isn’t it? Things to be thankful for.’
‘It’s still me. Somewhere.’ Yuugo looked up at him cautiously. ‘You’ve not changed at all. At least you don’t deal with this-’ he gave a dismissive gesture towards his head, ‘at least, not as I do. Or did. It’s quiet here. Too quiet.’
‘I think it’s hard to say we don’t all have something like that.’ Yuugo nodded. ‘But, no. I think you suffered the worst. Mind, this Yuugo isn’t bad. It’s just a different Yuugo.’
‘I think this Yuugo is bad.’ Lucas would really like this Yuugo to stop leaving him without anything to say.
‘Maybe threatening kids isn’t a good thing, I’d say,’ he chuckled to himself and rested his hand on Yuugo’s knee. The only part he could reach. ‘Though, without it, would I be here? I don’t think so. But maybe we would have met under a different circumstance; that would be better.’
They fell into silence again, a slightly less comfortable silence.
‘Do you think we’ll see everyone else again?’ Yuugo finally asked.
Lucas took a second to think about it. ‘I don’t think I’m in the position to say,’ he started, taking a look around for himself. ‘Depends which everyone you mean, though I’d like to think so.’ Yuugo nodded. There was a heaviness to it which was clearly mournful, like his head was being pulled on a string. Yuugo’s throat didn’t feel any less tight.
Minutes passed and Lucas stood, using his arm to push his hips outwards to stretch his back before taking a few steps around the space. He had no sense of where they were, though he it was close to somewhere he vaguely recognised in the back of his mind. Somewhere in time. ‘All things considered,’ he slowly began, choosing his next words carefully, ‘I think you did fine.’ Yuugo fully looked up at him, his expression became confused, Lucas turned to smile warmly at him. ‘Those kids adore you, you know. Despite everything. The way they learn with you, talk with you, cling to you.’ He continued to pace the space, looking away from him now. ‘You may feel guilty about all that happened, and all you did. But can you really say it wasn’t for good, in the end?’
What the fuck is this? Yuugo thought to himself. I don’t need him to be my therapist. And yet he couldn’t convince himself to be truly angry at this- he knew it, somewhere, that everything that happened between him and those kids had been for good, and that it had furthered the goal of not only himself, to absolve himself of the guilt of the loss of his Glory Bell siblings, but also of his new siblings, perhaps his children, of B06-32.
‘I don’t feel good about much that happened either, if it helps.’ Lucas stopped his pacing and turned to look at him again, heading back to sit down with him again. Closer this time. Their knees touching. He reached up and cradled Yuugo’s face in his hand, stroking his cheek with his thumb, ‘And, even now, do you think it helps to feel guilty about it? Do you think it’s changing anything?’ He knew he was right, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He wanted to pull away from Lucas’ touch, yet felt himself lean into it instead, closing his eyes and sighing. ‘I think this is the exact time for you to be able to let go and look at the good you’ve done instead. You saved more people than you harmed, and with any luck, there will be even more still.’ He paused to give Yuugo time, but his silence continued. ‘We knew a boy once, and he was one of the ones left behind at Goldy Pond, really, he did all he could to help get the nineteen of us out of Glory Bell, and he succeeded that, and then went on to help tens of others escape Goldy Pond, and now he has done the same to help those same children and others go on to create a better world. That counts for something, doesn’t it?’ Yuugo was at a loss. He was right, entirely, and he couldn’t deny it at all, even if he wanted to, even if he tried. It did count for something, it did outweigh what had happened, but even Lucas knew it didn’t make it better; these words, while meaningful and purposeful did not erase what either of them had suffered- Yuugo knew these words were to make himself feel better as much as they were to make him feel better- but it did feel like the weight had lifted, even if only slight.
‘The last thing we did was get those children out of there. We did that,’ Yuugo dropped off at the last word to stop his voice breaking, ‘That’s one less regret to hold. I don’t know if it absolves the others. But it’s one less.’ He broke away from Lucas’ touch and leaned back a little. Lucas’ hand lingered in the air for a moment, before dropping into his lap. ‘God, I feel stupid. Not in a bad way. Don’t say anything,’ Yuugo warned, looking at him with furrowed brows and a slightly condescending tone, ‘It all worked out, didn’t it? That’s it.’
Lucas nodded, ‘That’s all.’
Yuggo leaned back to lie down, arms behind his head, staring directly up at the ceiling of nothingness. ‘That’s all.’
At least you won't dry this river and home's just a place for the heartless,
No dear friends at all, just strangers with faded but versant faces.
The future's so scary, but you can't just run back to the past because it's familiar!
Yes, it's tempting... but it's a mistake!
‘Yuugo. Yuugo,’ he was shaken awake. How long had he slept? He was in an uncomfortable position on his stomach now, lying on one of his arms which had lost a little feeling. As he moved to kneel, he shook life back into his arm. Lucas was crouched beside him, an arm still on his shoulder.
‘How long was I--?’ Yuugo didn’t get to finish his question before Lucas pulled him to his feet and dusted off his front, assessing he looked presentable before linking his arm with Yuugo’s, pulling him forward as they set off at a slow walk- though he was a little resistant, ‘Where are we going?’
‘Come on. Don’t drag your feet. I think there’s someone who needs to see you.’ Curiosity took over him now, and a small pang of anxiety settled into his stomach. In this great expanse they seemed to be in, he couldn’t see anyone. As they walked, he became a little more sure that, yes, their surroundings was their shelter… and yet, it still seemed so unfamiliar. Everything seemed neater, well kept. But as they walked, there did not seem to truly be rooms, they could walk forever if they wanted. What should be a wall, where there should be a corner, their path continued. Yuugo wasn’t sure if this was because this space was like this, or because he wanted to walk like this, here, with Lucas, for longer.
Eventually, they stopped. ‘I had a walk while you slept. I didn’t go far. I didn’t want to lose you again,’ Lucas turned and knocked on the door next to them. The hallway, now, ended with a wall. Everything felt too bright. ‘So, I saw where things lead, and eventually came here.’ A second passed and the door opened, revealing numerous people stood inside. Yuugo froze in place and tried to take in what was in front of him. He fell to his knees upon the realisation of what, exactly, he was looking at. He was embraced, then, by Lucas, at his side, then by Dinah, from the front. Then, one at a time, he felt body upon body be added to the pile that formed around him.
‘I’m sorry,’ he broke, crying into Dinah’s shoulder, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘It’s okay,’ Dinah said, stroking his hair and resting her head on his. With her free hand, she picked up his hand and intertwined their fingers.
‘Thank you. You did your best, Yuugo.’
Where have you been?