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Sunoo isn’t sure how long it’s been since he’s sunk to his knees on the rough asphalt beneath, now tinted with splotches of red. Acrid smoke curls by his nose, and shards of broken glass litter the vicinity. As the officers cordon off the site, his unwavering gaze is set on a figure lying limp on a patch of grass, curled in onto himself and devoid of any signs of life.
There is nothing left to say and nothing left to do.
Nothing left but the void that envelops his mind in swirling darkness.
——————————
It was the first time in five months they had planned to meet since the break-up. Ever since the day Sunoo had seen Jungwon with smudged eyeliner for the first time. A clouded mess of grays and blacks that stained around his eyes, that rubbed off onto Jungwon’s hands, that came off onto Sunoo’s sweater.
Jungwon’s eyeliner used to be clean and sharp. Things used to be so clean and sharp between them.
Until one day, Sunoo messes things up. He yells into Jungwon’s face and feels the younger boy’s shaky breath against his own cheeks, watches as tears the size of pearls leak from his eyes.
All because labels and love and everything they’ve ever known suddenly demands to be pruned into orchids. Because a box has to hold and define the insides. Because people must be organized, and they have to fit into these shoeboxes that will never, ever manage to contain the amount of love they have within them.
It’s so unfair, Sunoo thinks, when his voice starts faltering mid-way.
It’s so unfair that he has to do this to Jungwon.
Jungwon looks up at him sadly, like he expects Sunoo to take his words back. Swallow them back down and promise he’d never say anything like that ever again.
But Sunoo’s a tangled mess. And the look in Jungwon’s eyes as he stares back up at him like his world has shattered around him cuts deeper than any childhood scrape or bruise has.
As the months went by, they never met up with each other, and the occasional calls in passing were all they had.
JW:
Happy New Year! I hope the new year treats you kindly.
SN:
I hope it treats you kindly too.
JW:
How’s Maeumi?
SN:
He’s alright.
JW:
He still chews up your shoes?
SN:
Funny you should mention.
That’s exactly what he’s doing right now.
JW:
I guess some things never change.
Sunoo’s come to realize just how accustomed he had become to living by Jungwon’s side for the past few years. Always one to cook for him, tease him and do his eyeliner for him. Sunoo missed when they’d do each other’s makeup in their dimly-lit apartment, biking through the city streets at midnight, and crashing at a convenience store for instant ramen right after.
The piece of pasta he’s twirling with his fork mindlessly unravels and drops back onto his plate pathetically. Sunoo really, really misses being by Jungwon’s side.
By this point in time, they both know they are a huge part of each other’s lives and routines— and nothing would ever change that.
So as Sunoo picks up the phone and dials Jungwon for the first time in months, he wonders if it will mean that things are finally moving in the right direction and falling back into place.
The phone barely rings for a second before the other end picks up on the call, a cautious voice emanating from the speaker.
“Sunoo?”
“Jungwon-ah,” Sunoo’s missed hearing Jungwon say his name. His voice is still honey-sweet and gentle. Like he cares so much for Sunoo. If he still does, that is. It’s honestly hard to tell.
“You doing alright?” Sunoo starts cautiously.
“Mm! I’ve just been a little busy with work. We had a literal goose come into our clinic last night.” Jungwon chuckles softly, and it almost feels like they never stopped talking at all in the first place. “Can you believe it? It was this huge! A whole goose!”
Sunoo smiles into the phone, and he knows he can’t see Jungwon but he probably has an arm outstretched to visualize the size of the goose he’s mentioned. It’s so Jungwon of him. It’s cute.
“Well, is the goose okay now?” Sunoo laughs softly.
“Yeah, yeah he is.” Jungwon smiles back. “Sorry for going off track there. I always do that.”
“No, it’s alright.” Sunoo’s glad that that part of Jungwon hasn’t changed one bit. It’s nice to know he still feels familiar.
“Are you okay? I mean, I just didn’t expect you to call me out of the blue.”
“I’m just wondering if you’d want to meet up sometime?” There, Sunoo’s said it. He waits in bated breath for a response, for anything, really, but it’s silence on the other end of the line. Sunoo speaks up again.
“No pressure or anything, Jungwon-ah! I know you’re really busy with the animals but it’s just… I’ve been missing our conversations, I think.” Sunoo says it all in one breath. “It would be nice to see you again.”
“Yes, I’d like that.”
Sunoo smiles sadly to himself. He almost expects Jungwon to turn him down. Maybe it’s because he still has the events from that night playing out in his head like a broken television.
There’s a long pause again, before Jungwon speaks up.
“I have the day off, so we could go out today?”
“Really?”
“Yeah! You remember Walt’s Cornerstore, right?” Jungwon asks hesitantly.
Walt’s Cornerstore is a quaint little cafe situated a couple blocks down the road, and they’d always find themselves immersed in the warm confines of the humble coffeeplace on the weekends.
“Of course. I’m glad you chose it, because I’d die for a cup of iced coffee right about now.”
Jungwon giggles.
“Okay! Give me 11 minutes!” Sunoo can almost hear a tinge of enthusiasm in Jungwon’s voice, but he attributes it to his own excitement instead.
“See you.”
Eclipses have always heralded positive energy, a symbol of promise and change. But as the moon and stars aligned for the first time in forever, something felt off.
They aligned at last, but at what cost?
——————————
It all happens so quickly. It’s so vile, and it’s so sickening.
There is a moment of silence before Jungwon sees a looming object headed straight for him. The squeal of car tires slices through the air, and it’s followed by thunderous shattering of the windscreen and the screech of metal against the tarmac.
His body slams into the curb upon impact, and he’s flung onto a patch of grass by the cafe. He feels warm, coppery liquid pooling in his mouth as he struggles to catch his breath. His lungs feel like they’re caving in, and he wonders why, until he looks down to find the tiny wildflowers squashed beneath him stained crimson.
Jungwon’s vision flashes from bitter darkness to blinding white, limbs rendered useless as they lay limp on the grass.
Sunoo barely remembers how long he had kneeled in the grass, cradling Jungwon in his arms as he faded in and out, hardly grasping at his last moments of consciousness. And as the paramedics pried Jungwon away from him, he remembers watching the life being drained from Jungwon’s eyes.
What was once deep black and reminiscent of polished obsidian slowly clouded over, leaving a muted grayness that dimmed the world around him. Like a veil had been drawn over the windows to his soul. Like stormy clouds enveloping the light of day.
It’s painful to watch. It’s so painful, and Sunoo doesn’t know how to manage it.
The ride to the hospital is sombre, air filled with desperation and hopelessness. Sunoo clutches onto a bouquet of roses, his hands trembling even more with each passing second. The once pristine, white roses have now been tainted with thick, crimson liquid, flecks of blood speckled onto the petals. There is an envelope sitting precariously on the rim of the bouquet, the edges singed by the inferno which had erupted as the car smashed into Jungwon.
There is a name written neatly in cursive on the front.
There is also a lopsided heart seemingly scribbled on in a hurry right beside the word ‘Sunoo’.
A whirlwind of emotions takes over Sunoo’s trembling frame, as he struggles to keep himself together. He looks up from the roses to grimace at Jungwon, lying on the gurney with tubes and wires of all sizes and colours shoved into his arms. An oxygen mask has been placed over his face, but Sunoo can barely see his chest rise and fall. The white cotton tee which he had been wearing is now completely stained red, a large tear ripping through the fabric above his midsection.
No matter how many paramedics apply pressure to the laceration on his abdomen, blood still gushes between their fingers and oozes under their hands. The ebb and flow of crimson in time with the beating of Sunoo’s terrified heart leaves him so deathly still.
“Jungwon-ah… I-I’m so sorry…” Sunoo reaches out slowly to take Jungwon’s hand in his, feeling the stiffness and coolness meet the warmth of his own. But Sunoo feels nothing but cold in that moment, and he’s tethering on the brink of collapse with every passing second. The pain stings with every shaky breath he takes, with every shiver down his spine.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispers through sobs, and Sunoo can do nothing but look on and pray that this is all just a sick, twisted nightmare.
Except, it isn’t.
It’s so much worse than all the other nightmares he’s woken up from.
It’s a vicious cycle consuming every living fibre in him, until there is nothing left of him but an empty shell.
Jungwon-ah, can you come home to me?
DENIAL
——————————
11:00:00
Sunoo feels his heart lurch when he is startled out of his sleep, the events of the abysmal nightmare still fresh in his mind. Clutching at his sheets, he feels the onset of a blinding migraine.
He feels like a prisoner, helplessly trapped in a cage of pain. Sunoo’s head throbs painfully and he wills for it to stop, squeezing his eyes shut and rolling over to the other end of the bed.
Through partially-hooded eyes, he stares blankly at the plain wall next to him, his gaze landing on a digital clock on the bedside table. The neon green numbers display a countdown of eleven minutes, prompting Sunoo to wonder why the clock isn’t showing the standard time. Thinking hurts his head too much, but the answer comes to him almost instantaneously.
10:45:34
“Give me 11 minutes!”
He remembers the excitement in Jungwon’s voice, and he smiles to himself.
Right, they’ve agreed to meet at Walt’s Cornerstore this afternoon. For coffee.
It’s just eleven minutes. He can most definitely reach in time. The cafe which they’ve agreed to meet at is only a few blocks down the road.
08:10:11
Sunoo stumbles out of bed, knocking over the glass of water on his nightstand in the process. The glass shards are littered all over his bedroom floor, and each piece sinks into the bottom of his feet as he rushes to leave.
Grabbing his jacket draped on the back of the couch, he makes a run for the door, slamming it shut and not bothering to turn the key.
“Jungwon will be alright, we’ll just meet at the cafe, and we’ll just—” Sunoo murmurs under his breath, hastily draping his jacket over his shoulders and jamming his fingers into the lift buttons. A feeling of unease settles in the pit of his stomach, with the events of the nightmare buried somewhere deep in his consciousness. It isn’t apparent to Sunoo, but the memories of it still linger somewhere at the surface, taunting him.
Why is he so terrified? Isn’t he supposed to meet Jungwon at the cafe for coffee? His mind races faster than he’d like it to, and it feels like he’s running a marathon when it is in fact, supposed to be a leisurely stroll to the cafe.
As the elevator doors open to the lobby, he dashes onto the sidewalk, burying his hands deep in his pockets. Minutes creep by, and the feeling of uneasiness grows, until he rounds a corner and the signage of the cafe slowly comes into sight.
04:00:19
Sunoo is bolting towards the storefront so quickly, he barely pays attention to the fact that there is someone walking towards him in the opposite direction, his head bowed. Sunoo collides with the boy, and he raises his head to find himself staring straight into a pair of glossy, black eyes. Eyes that shine and twinkle when they catch the light.
“Sunoo-ya!” Jungwon exclaims, bringing one hand up to wave at him. Sunoo stares at him incredulously, his mind racing with thoughts.
The image of Jungwon’s body lying limp on the sidewalk conjures in his mind, and all he can see is a sea of red pooling around the car tires. And around the boy. Smoke billows from the carwreck, and the fallen bouquet of roses, the smell of burnt rubber; they all start coming back to him in waves like a violent tsunami, each new detail surfacing even stronger with the next wave.
“You’re alright… You’re alright.” Sunoo speaks slowly, his hands clutching onto Jungwon’s shoulders. The smile on Jungwon’s face falls as quickly as it appears.
“Sunoo-ah, what’s going on?” He raises his eyebrow in confusion, shooting Sunoo a judgemental look with his hands on his hips.
“Please tell me you’re okay-” Sunoo pleads, hands running up and down Jungwon’s shoulders. He needs to know if it is Jungwon he’s seeing. He needs to know if he’s okay, and if the events of his nightmare are all just vivid imagery concocted by his imagination.
“Of course I am! What’s not okay about finally meeting up with Kim Sunoo himself,” Jungwon nudges his side, “ and going for a coffee with him?”
Maybe it is a nightmare. It has to be. Jungwon himself is standing before him, so what other reason does he have to not believe he’s alive?
03:17:02
There is a warmth his chestnut hair brings to his features, a simple frame for his smile and eyes that hold more love than he would ever admit to.
Sunoo can’t help but stare at Jungwon, taking in every little detail of his features. It almost seems like he hasn’t seen Jungwon in forever, which is partially true, but why does it feel as though it’s a completely different Jungwon he’s looking at now?
His eyeliner is different, Sunoo realizes. He wouldn’t say it looks worse, but it’s different. It’s not Jungwon anymore, or at least not Sunoo’s Jungwon anymore. He has on a different shade of pink eyeshadow as well. It’s a much lighter shade, one that’s barely visible.
Sunoo can almost sense his memories of Jungwon starting to fade, every detail becoming less noticeable, until there is nearly a void in place of where Jungwon used to reside in his heart.
With that thought in mind, he grabs Jungwon by the hand, desperate to reclaim the vanishing memories he once had of him.
“You’ll stay, right?” Sunoo whispers, his tone suddenly hushed. Jungwon seems to sense that Sunoo isn’t acting like his usual self, so he questions.
“Sunoo, are you okay? I’m not going anywhere!”
Sunoo lets out a heavy sigh of relief at Jungwon’s words, some part of him thankful that the terrors from the night before were just a figment of his twisted imagination.
But a part of him feels like he’s growing distant from Jungwon. Like he might lose him any second now.
Just as Jungwon’s about to pry even further, Sunoo feels himself letting go of the younger boy’s hand.
00:07:43
The screech of tires on gravel pierces the quiet afternoon air, and for a moment, Sunoo briefly catches a glimpse of a pair of bright lights in his peripheral vision.
A car spins out of control, dark skid marks imprinted on the road.
Then, he feels a force tear Jungwon away from him, sending him crashing into the ground a distance away.
When Sunoo looks up again, all he can see is red seeping into the crisp, white petals of the roses Jungwon had hid behind his back just moments before. The bouquet is still in his grasp, and he’s curled up into an almost fetal-like position.
It’s not true. The car couldn’t possibly have rammed straight into him.
“No…” Sunoo runs forth, tripping over the debri littered on the ground and crashing into the side of the wrecked car. As he moves his hand to gently lift Jungwon’s head, Sunoo is met with shut eyes.
None of this is real. It’s all just a nightmare. It’s all just a sick prank his mind is playing on him.
But as he shakes Jungwon by the shoulders and calls out his name through choked-up sobs, the boy never stirs. He doesn’t even open his eyes to look at Sunoo one last time.
Sunoo feels the burn in his throat creeping up as he struggles to accept the reality of what he’s seen. And as he closes his eyes, he prays that he is just trapped in another nightmare.
Because tomorrow, he’ll wake up and it’ll be like all the other mornings they used to share. Jungwon will be there, lying right next to him, nestled against his side, one hand resting on his chest, feeling his heartbeat matching his own. He’ll be in his oversized hoodie, one of many pieces stolen from Sunoo’s wardrobe.
Then, like every morning, Sunoo would ruffle Jungwon’s hair, prompting him to let out a small giggle. And with the both of them swathed in layers of blankets, they’d lay with each other for hours.
Mornings have always been this way for them.
Except, it would no longer be this way for them now.
——————————
“It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.” Sunoo remembers stroking through his bloodied hair, tears falling onto Jungwon’s face unceremoniously. He kneels down in the pool of blood that ebbs from the younger boy, not caring for how it soaks and stains his jeans. Tears flow unchecked from his eyes, and the sheer nothingness that now takes hold of Sunoo’s soul threatens to engulf him entirely.
“This is all just a dream, right?” Sunoo chokes. “Jungwon-ah, you’ll wake up tomorrow beside me and—”
“—and you’ll come up with some stupid excuse for stealing my hoodie again,” Sunoo pauses when an image of Jungwon lying next to him in one of his gray hoodies surfaces in his mind.
“You’re not really gone, right?”
“Right, Jungwonnie?”
00:00:00
ANGER
——————————
10:55:08
Sunoo can’t quite piece together the fragments of his nightmare.
There are dense, gray fumes billowing from a mangled car, clouding his vision.
Then comes the red. A stream of crimson snaking its way down the side of the car.
Garish blue lights accompanied by the distressing wail of sirens.
Muffled screams of dismay from passersby, gentle rubs of consolation on his back.
But above all, he can barely make out a figure smashed against the curb, his dark hair sprawled on the sidewalk.
Sunoo’s eyes fly open, and he lets out a sharp gasp as he blinks in succession. In an attempt to ground himself, he scans the room, until his eyes fall on the harsh rays of light cutting through the layer of dust in the air.
It’s another nightmare, Sunoo realizes.
Except, this nightmare is tinted red. It’s fueled with strings of curses, incoherent shouts and desperate pleas.
Sunoo has never been one to lose his composure easily, but in that moment, he feels waves of rage roll off of him as blood rises to his cheeks. His fingers coil into fists, and the phone in his hand nearly crushes under pressure.
The term anger barely scratches the surface of the volcano that’s threatening to erupt within him.
As Sunoo looks down at his watch, the dreaded countdown shines in bright neon, taunting him once again.
09:51:27
Why does it have to be Jungwon? The boy who makes him feel like he’s home, the one who gives his heart a place in his own. Then, shattering that very same heart as Jungwon is torn away from him, leaving a crushed bouquet of roses in his wake. Making him wish he’d never met Jungwon, so that he’d never have to relive the events of his demise in a vicious loop.
He takes out his rage on the poor, seasoned punching bag hung in his apartment, a gift from Jungwon last Christmas. He strikes it relentlessly, his loose top clinging to his back and his eyes stinging slightly.
Sunoo’s knuckles are rubbed raw, droplets of blood threatening to spill from fresh, open wounds. There are bruises along his arms and legs, from all the times his arm or foot had collided with a wall out of sheer anger.
All he is now is a living inferno, every part of him fueled by a black pit of despair and hopelessness.
There is nothing left to say and nothing left to do, and Sunoo wonders how things could’ve worked out if he had been the one to die instead.
07:04:11
Leaning against a pillar, Sunoo folds his arms; his jaw clenched and face squared. The pain settling in the base of his skull has increased tenfold from minutes ago, now clawing its way down his throat.
“Sunoo?” He barely feels the presence of company standing a few feet away from him, his gaze still fixed onto the ground. He can almost make out fading, red stains on the concrete below before he feels a cautious hand trailing along his arm.
Raising his head slowly, Sunoo’s gaze falls onto a boy with round, cat-like eyes. Jungwon has lines of concern and worry etched onto his face as he scrambles to assess the multiple bruises adorning Sunoo’s skin.
He’s battered, and secretly weeping behind a curtain of anger. His skin is rupturing above the growing purple blooms, but Jungwon’s light touch on his skin seems to take some of the pain away.
They could head back to their apartment, and Jungwon could patch Sunoo up on their bed. He could press kisses to Sunoo’s temple and let him know that he didn’t have to look strong in front of him, that he was allowed to feel pain, that he was allowed to cry.
But Sunoo’s torn insides remain an open wound, unable to heal or scar. Not even Jungwon can staunch the stream of red that pools all around him.
This is his life now, a sea of unending red.
04:56:02
“This is not okay,” Jungwon whispers in a hushed tone, scanning him from head to toe before pleading for an answer. “Sunoo, what happened to you?”
Sunoo can’t bring himself to answer Jungwon, can’t bring himself to face him.
“You don’t understand, Jungwon.” He retorts, a tinge of malice laced between his words, prompting a look of shock from Jungwon. Before he can question further, Sunoo grabs Jungwon’s shoulders tightly, locking eyes with him.
“I shouldn’t have left you!” He yells into his face, the grip on his shoulders tightening by the second, causing Jungwon to wince and squirm under his aggression.
“We were so close to meeting again but you were torn away, just like that! You were standing right-” Sunoo can barely register his words before Jungwon cuts him off.
“Sunoo, you’re here with me. You need to calm down, it’s probably one of your nightmares.”
Jungwon is right. It’s a hellish nightmare and not even Jungwon himself can shake him out of it.
That’s when Sunoo realizes he’s trapped in a never ending cycle of death— a time loop.
03:27:49
All Jungwon wants to do is to comfort him and reassure him, but Sunoo is seething with rage.
In an attempt to ground him, Jungwon places a palm on his chest, feeling his quickening heart rate and the unrestrained fury brewing within him. Although Jungwon’s touch has always been a comforting gesture to Sunoo, he wants nothing but to get away from him now.
“Sunoo, you need to understand that-”
“Understand what? You don’t understand any of this, Jungwon. You’re not the one who has to watch your own death over and over again every single day! You’re not the one who has to bear the guilt of not being able to save the one you love in time!”
Jungwon reels back in shock, struggling to comprehend his words. His own death? Saving the one he loves?
“Sunoo-ah, you’re not making sense. Let’s go home, and I’ll patch you up, okay?” Jungwon tries to switch topics, but Sunoo’s words carry an air of finality with them.
No matter how hard Jungwon tries to wake Sunoo up from his nightmare, nothing changes.
“Stay away, please. Just get out of here.” Sunoo scans his surroundings frantically, his eyes roaming across the cars in the vicinity. He knows the impending crash will tear Jungwon away, so he shoves him to the side roughly, causing him to stumble over the curb.
The bouquet of flowers Jungwon had been hiding behind his back falls to the concrete with a thud, stray petals fluttering to the ground softly.
01:57:19
Jungwon knows he should have stayed quiet and waited for the storm to abate, but he can’t help but fight against his violence, shielding himself from his words until he can no longer take it. Why is Sunoo so filled with rage? What had he done to upset Sunoo?
“Please, don’t leave again.” Sunoo pleads, his rage finally turning into desperation. As he slides down the side of a wall, he closes his eyes, expecting Jungwon to be by his side with his soft touch comforting him once again.
Except there is a brooding silence, only the low rumble of backfiring engines and chatter emanating from the cafe to be heard. The soft padding of Jungwon’s footsteps grow softer and softer, until they fade into nothing and Sunoo lifts his head to watch Jungwon stalk away from him.
00:28:06
“Jungwon—“ He calls out for him, but his silhouette grows smaller and smaller on the horizon, mixing with the crowd against the rich hues of red and orange in the sky.
Sunoo wants to spring back up and run after Jungwon, but when his gaze falls back onto the numbers on his watch, he knows it’s too late.
Standing with his gaze fixed onto the very same boy with chestnut-brown hair, he waits with bated breath as he witnesses Jungwon being torn away from him once again. The same resounding crash, the same striking colours, the same sinking feeling.
He lost him again.
00:00:00
BARGAINING
——————————
Sunoo sits on a leather couch, his hands resting by his sides and sinking into the soft, weathered material. He finds himself fidgeting with the bunch of keys slung around his finger, the occasional clinking of metal piercing through the tense atmosphere.
Letting out a long, weary sigh, he stares at the man sitting across from him. The man has neatly-styled hair with bangs that fall just above his eyes, framing his face nicely. He’s clad in a simple, white blouse with a pair of black jeans, and he looks just like Jungwon. Too much for Sunoo’s liking, in fact.
“Sunoo-ssi,” the man’s gentle voice jolts him out of the stupor he’s unknowingly fallen into. “How have you been doing?”
If anyone asked him, he’d say he was doing fine. The big, forced smile plastered onto his face, the strained pleasantries he’d trade, the painful small talk he had to make on a daily basis; they were all clockwork to him at this point in time.
Ever since fate tore them apart, Sunoo has been wallowing in a pit of his own misery. The hundreds of takeout boxes stacked on his kitchen counters, the dusty tiles lining his apartment floor, the frozen leftovers stowed away in his freezer; all a result of the unending cycle of depression he had landed himself into.
Until one day, Sunghoon drops by to check on him.
“You should get help.” Sunghoon rubs a comforting hand along Sunoo’s shoulders, sighing as he looks up at him with concern.
“What?”
“What you’re doing, how you’re coping,” he turns around to scan the apartment, “it’s not healthy. You should see someone.” He encourages Sunoo.
“Who?”
“A therapist.”
And so, Sunoo finds himself sitting in an office, the nameplate on the desk glinting softly in the sunlight.
Kim Taegyu.
“Feeling better than ever.” Sunoo runs a hand through his hair, bowing his head and resting his elbows on his lap.
Except, Taegyu sees through his lies. He always does.
Sunoo can’t deny the fact that he’s having multiple visceral nightmares every night, that he’s isolating himself from his friends and family, that he’s neglecting his own physical and mental health. He can’t even bring himself to do the simplest of tasks anymore; even talking and sleeping prove too laborious a task for him to do.
“What are you doing to cope? We can work on them.” Taegyu prompts, seeing how Sunoo has grown quiet.
“Visiting cafes, watching films, nothing special.” Sunoo answers lazily, glancing at the clock to count down the minutes till the end of the session. Just half an hour left.
“Walt’s Cornerstore?” Taegyu questions, but he already knows the answer before Sunoo even has a chance to respond.
Sunoo would order a cup of black coffee, then set it down on the table they used to share. It’s a table right by the window, one that looks out onto the sidewalk. So Jungwon can wave hello to the little birds that come right up to the glass and peck at the ground.
Sunoo remembers how Jungwon would always tease him about pretty baristas, and how he’d always try to hide the heat growing in his cheeks.
“Death may end a life, but he’ll continue to live on in your heart, forever and always.” Taegyu gives him a knowing smile. “He’d want you to remember him for all the happiest moments you two shared.”
Sunoo isn’t sure how he is supposed to move on, but he knows that there must be a reason as to why he is cursed to relive this abysmal time loop everyday.
Some sick part of Sunoo thinks that maybe it’s because he’s a bad person.
Maybe it’s because he’d given up on the both of them, because he’d given up on Jungwon that night and left him when he most needed him.
But Sunoo has always extended his help to others. He would donate to charities, volunteer at the shelter next to Jungwon’s clinic, look out for his friends; so what exactly had he done to deserve this? To deserve seeing Jungwon die over and over again in front of his very own eyes, knowing he can’t do anything to save him.
“We could try changing your routine. Do something different everyday, cultivate a new routine for yourself,” Taegyu scribbles something onto a notepad, adding, “it might help, Sunoo-ssi.”
Maybe Taegyu is right. Maybe if he makes tiny changes everyday, things will turn out differently. Then, he’ll finally have a chance of breaking out of this cycle after the past two failed attempts.
“I’ll try,” Sunoo sighs, but a small, genuine smile shows on his face. Taegyu returns him a reassuring one.
“See you next week.” Sunoo waves goodbye as he glances at the clock which has struck two. Grabbing his coat from the hook on the wall, he manages a small smile at Taegyu, before turning his back and closing the door gently.
11:00:00
As soon as Sunoo steps into his apartment, he resolves to take tiny steps for himself. He starts off by rummaging through his closet, emerging with an oversized, gray hoodie. It was Jungwon’s favourite item of clothing to wear, although it had always belonged to Sunoo. He let the younger boy wear it anyway— Jungwon looked adorable in it.
Sunoo peels his old shirt off and throws it into the laundry basket. He’s been wearing the same shirt for longer than he’d like to admit.
As he gets changed into the clean hoodie, he feels a ball of fur against his calf. Tilting his head down, he finds himself face to face with a maltese puppy. “Hey Maeumi,” Sunoo gently scratches under his chin and behind his ears, earning a look of satisfaction from the tiny white puppy. Sunoo gives him a few belly rubs, knowing that Maeumi likes them more than anything else in the entire world.
A year ago, Jungwon had returned to their shared apartment with a white ball of matted fur nestled in his arms.
“We’re naming him Maeumi.”
“Like… heart?”
“Mhm.”
How characteristic of Jungwon to name him ‘heart’. It’s so Jungwon. Jungwon who has the biggest heart Sunoo has ever seen in a human, Jungwon who’s capacity for love knows no bounds.
07:51:46
With Maeumi tucked safely in his arms, Sunoo turns the key in the door and heads downstairs.
He thinks bringing Maeumi along would be good for a change; Jungwon would definitely be happy to see his puppy again.
“Sunoo-ya!” Jungwon calls out as he turns a corner. He’s waiting by the front doors, hands on his hips and a playful smirk gracing his lips. Jungwon notices Sunoo’s hoodie, and he’s quick to point it out.
“Wearing my favorite hoodie?”
“Jungwon-ah, it’s mine .”
Jungwon lets out a soft chuckle and shifts his attention to the ball of fur in Sunoo’s arms.
“Look who’s here,” his eyes light up, and he takes Maeumi from his arms, giving the puppy a few more scratches behind his ears.
“Thought you’d want to see our sweetheart again.” Sunoo smiles gently.
While Jungwon is busy showering Maeumi with some much-needed love and attention, his mind wanders someplace else.
What if they were standing somewhere else? Somewhere far away from the cafe. Would Jungwon still be torn away from him? Would he live?
“Hey, uh… I was thinking,” Sunoo scratches the back of his neck, a lopsided smile appearing on his face, “if you’d want to head somewhere else?”
Sunoo tries to keep his cool, but underneath his facade he’s bubbling with anxiety and fear.
He has to make things work this time. He has to break himself out of the time loop.
“But this is our favourite cafe! You know that,” Jungwon pouts, lightly jabbing Sunoo in the chest with his finger.
“And besides, I would really like an iced coffee now.” Jungwon adds, his eyebrows furrowed.
Just as he’s about to head into the cafe, Sunoo grabs his arm, a desperate look in his eyes. The watch on his wrist catches his attention again.
05:52:07
They only have a few minutes left before the inevitable would happen again.
“I’ll buy you all the iced coffees in the world!” Sunoo pleads, his words coming off in a tone more hurried than he would’ve liked.
“Sunoo, are you okay? What’s the rush?”
“I just—” He pauses, contemplating his thoughts. “I don’t want you to leave again.”
“Sunoo-ah, I’m not leaving, okay? We just got here!” Jungwon frowns, staring into Sunoo’s amber eyes which seem to have lost their color, now reduced to a washed-out brown.
Before Jungwon could get another word in, Sunoo whisks him away promptly, walking as fast as they can towards a nearby park. Jungwon doesn’t probe any further; he knows that there is something serious going on judging by Sunoo’s clenched jaw and tense expression.
As Sunoo hurriedly gets Jungwon an iced coffee, much to his delight, he spins around to survey the vicinity.
01:00:48
The streets are eerily silent, the only sounds being the occasional chirp of birds and Jungwon’s contented hums. Sunoo expects to hear the screech of tires any minute now, but there is none. There are barely any vehicles on the road, let alone passersby.
The thick silence hanging in the still air would normally chill Sunoo to his bones, especially on a bright, sunny day when people should be milling around, but it brings a wave of relief over Sunoo. He’s thankful for the silence.
Had they successfully managed to avert disaster? Did it work?
Maybe Taegyu was right all along, that changing his routine would indeed bring about a different ending.
00:42:01
For a brief moment, Sunoo feels relieved.
But fate always has its way in the end, doesn't it?
As Sunoo is about to rush forth into Jungwon’s embrace and hold him for as long as he can in gratefulness, the scene that unfolds before him implies otherwise.
The telltale screech of tires rings in his ears once again, and the last image he catches of Jungwon is him rooted to the ground, fearful eyes lost in the blinding headlights rushing towards him.
00:00:00
——————————
Sunoo isn’t fully aware of how long he’s knelt on the pavement, shaking Jungwon’s frail body back and forth, until Maeumi slowly comes up from behind him. He feels the familiar furry body of Maeumi’s brush against his arm, and it costs him everything to not break down.
Maeumi creeps towards the lifeless body next to Sunoo, nudging his snout again and again into the crook of Jungwon’s neck. Nothing. His tail is tucked between his hind legs, and the shine in his eyes disappears just like it did for Jungwon.
He rubs against Jungwon’s face, as if he’s begging for his owner to wake up. Jungwon would always wake up to Maeumi’s face rubs, so why wasn’t he doing so this time?
“Please don’t do this to me, Jungwonnie,” Sunoo chokes back a sob, letting his walls collapse around him. There is nothing else that can break his heart more than the same, nightmarish image of Jungwon lying lacklustre in a pool of crimson liquid.
“You said you were eleven minutes away, that you’d be here soon. That you were dying to get a coffee, that you missed—” he looked down at the puppy curled up between his knees, “ Maeumi… ”
Sunoo knows that whatever that’s happened is final, and that he’s cursed to relive the events of Jungwon’s death forever. But a part of him is still clinging to that little shred of hope that he can bargain his way out of fate, and that he can still save Jungwon in time.
“Please,” Sunoo cups Jungwon’s paling face with his hands, “just wake up, okay?”
I am trying to remember you and let you go at the same time.
DEPRESSION
——————————
11:00:00
Sunoo lies on his bed, the once seemingly plush mattress feeling impossibly stiff, leaving him with aching muscles. His gaze is directed at the ceiling, and it’s nothing more than a plain, white slate looming over him.
But at the same time, he sees and hears everything. Every petal that flutters to the ground, every piece of debris that shoots through the air, every nauseated cry for help.
At first, it’s merely a light sting— manageable and hurting in passing. It throbs every time he strokes his hands through Maeumi's fur, every time he opens his closet to come face to face with Jungwon’s hoodies, every time he sets the table for two by accident.
Sunoo’s thoughts creep into his mind like parasites, aggravating a festering wound which has slowly torn itself open a bit more as each day passes. Even the simplest of tasks have been pushed far down the back burner, never seeing the light of day.
But then it infects him entirely— it seeps out of his eyes, leaving layers upon layers of tear-stained streaks down his cheeks. It manifests itself as dark bruises under his eyes from all the sleep he’s lost, manifests itself as the gnawing, hollow pit in his stomach from all the food he’s thrown up halfway through. His hands tremble with the slightest touch and he cringes with every detail reminding him of Jungwon.
The alarm clock blares throughout the apartment, but all he hears are muffled wails. The mounting pressure engulfs him like a lethal wave, and he can do nothing but lie paralyzed, waves of vivid, brutal memories lapping at his mind, eroding his heart bit by bit.
“Morning, Sunoo.” Jungwon yawns through hiswords, fluttering his eyelids open a fraction to come face to face with Sunoo.
“Morning to you too,” Sunoo pokes at his shoulder, wincing as the rays of light filtering through the dusty window panes hit him. For a moment, it’s just them in their humble little apartment.
They lie next to each other, bodies curled like a pair of parentheses. In the midst of chaotic work schedules, their touch feels like slivers of calmness, heralding warmth and safety.
In Jungwon’s embrace, Sunoo feels like he truly belongs, feels like he has a home in this cruel world.
But then Jungwon leaves, and Sunoo’s once again a broken shell of what he used to be. He misses the way their silent breaths would mingle with each other, eyes trained onto each other’s. He misses waking up to Jungwon greeting him in the morning with a gentle smile forming on his tired and weary face.
10:27:36
Sunoo runs his fingers reverently across the empty space next to him on the bed, pressing his palms deeper into the cool sheets, but all he feels is a void filled with nothing but ‘what-ifs’ and ‘almosts’.
He remembers making a trip to the grocery store one day, shuffling through the aisles aimlessly until his eyes land on a bag of chips— barbecue chips, to be exact. Normally, he’d exchange a knowing look with Jungwon before stuffing two bags of it into their grocery cart, snacking on one in the car and saving the other for a movie night. But now, as he stares blankly at the chips on the shelf, there’s little to no energy left within him to reach out and grab them.
He remembers slumping into the driver’s seat, tilting his head backwards to shut his eyes for a moment. As he turns the key in the ignition, his playlist shuffles and a song starts playing through the speakers. Their song.
They used to love singing at the top of their lungs during car rides. Used to.
Now it’s just that sickening silence again, with the song playing softly through the speakers and Sunoo’s quiet, choked-up sobs.
In another life, I would make you stay
So I don't have to say you were the one that got away.
Grief, he’s learned, is just love. All the love he wants to give but cannot.
All the unspent love that gathers in the corner of his eyes as tears, forms a suffocating lump in his throat, and brews in the painfully empty cavity in his chest.
It’s love with no place to go.
9:34:12
Maeumi crawls up onto his chest, pawing at him for the fourth time this morning. He’s started to notice how Maeumi’s started to whine a lot, as if they’re desperate calls of attention. He settles himself in the space next to Sunoo, curling into himself and closing his eyes gently.
As Sunoo throws the duvet aside, he opens his eyes a fraction to come face to face with the foreboding numbers on the clock.
Eleven minutes . Does it really matter?
Tripping over sidewalks, narrowing missing incoming cars, rushing till his feet hurt and his ankles ached— is it really all worth it?
Would it change anything if he did it all over again?
04:55:27
As he arrives at the front of the cafe, he can barely hold himself together when he looks down to find a cluster of flower bouquets at his feet. Jungwon’s pictures are neatly framed, laid carefully on the ground amongst the flowers left by random passersby.
The wall by the corner of the cafe is still caved in, pieces of brick falling to his feet as he gently pushes the glass doors open. The cafe is swathed in warm tones, furniture the colour of supermarket oranges and jazz softly pouring out of its speakers. Bright, warm lights line the wooden panels on the ceiling, but even amongst all the warmth radiating from the cafe’s interior, Sunoo feels impossibly cold.
The lights seem to take on a cool, bluish tone in Sunoo’s eyes, just like the lights shining back at him as he watches Jungwon fight for his life behind the glass windows of the operating theatre.
The regular barista behind the counter is visibly weary, her actions clumsy and draggy. He’d usually be greeted by a cafe filled with laughter and upbeat tunes, but now, all he can hear is the deafening silence and a soft, melancholic tune playing.
He vividly remembers the first time they’d sat across from each other in Walt’s Cornerstore; Jungwon had ordered his usual cup of black coffee, while Sunoo had gotten a slice of cheesecake. Jungwon had a plain white top on as usual. It’s Sunoo’s favorite look on Jungwon.
He remembers how he’d leaned in to comb aside a lock of hair that had fallen in Jungwon’s eyes, but was instead met with the playful swat of Jungwon’s hand, his eyes rolling in feigned annoyance.
That was five months ago .
03:50:38
But now, as he wraps his hands around the mug of black coffee, he can barely feel any warmth. The jacket— Jungwon’s jacket — which is draped around his shoulders offers little to no refuge from the chills running down his spine, and the creamy cheesecake leaves a sour aftertaste in his mouth.
Everything seems unforgiving, unwelcome, and above all, cold.
He’s started to see darkness around the lights, which in any other case, would be utterly impossible, but that’s exactly what Sunoo’s life has become. The colors have begun to drain from his vision, painting the world in a terribly gray shade.
But even with all the color lost from his world, he’d never miss the familiar chestnut-brown of Jungwon’s hair. Lifting his head to look through the glass panels, he catches sight of Jungwon ambling down the sidewalk, his hair bouncing slightly with each step he takes.
He has his hands clasped behind his back, but Sunoo has relived this moment far too many times to not recognise his intentions— Jungwon’s clutching onto the bouquet of white roses.
02:20:42
Seconds tick by, and he continues to walk towards the cafe, a shy smile playing on his lips. Sunoo peers at him through the windows and realizes he rarely ever looks so content, which leads to a pang of guilt hitting him square in the chest.
Sunoo doesn’t spare a single second to look away from Jungwon, knowing that he only has a few more moments to take in the sight before him. As much as he wants to look away, to drown his thoughts and sights out, he finds himself gazing at him, a longing look etched onto his face.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers to himself, as he closes his eyes and invites the inevitable with tears down his cheeks again.
Fate was playing a cruel game with him, and he was losing.
Crash.
He stays rooted to his seat, sobbing with more violence than any storm. People clamber about his seat as they scramble to look out the windows.
Sunoo’s cries are reduced to desolate sobs that are only interrupted by the need to draw air back into his caved-in lungs. With one last look at the car wreck outside the window, he dissolves into a despair that takes his mind prisoner.
00:00:00
Sunoo’s grief withers the world around him. He longs to bring back the sunlight he can’t feel, to coax the world back into growth and warmth, but what if the source of that growth and warmth came from Jungwon himself?
ACCEPTANCE
——————————
10:49:00
Rays of light pour through the blinds in soft filters, thoughts from last night barely clinging onto the last of his memory. Sunoo burrows deeper into the warm duvet, reluctantly rubbing the remainder of sleep from his eyes.
Soft chirps ripple through his apartment, slowly pushing the sluggishness from his mind. Sunoo can barely recall the last time he’d heard birds welcoming daybreak and seen sunlight filtering through his windows. He supposes these are just occurrences the majority of people would consider normal— just a typical morning in the city.
He finds it strange, though.
When was the last time he had seen the world before him swathed in colour? When was the last time he had woken up gently instead of jolting awake, the sound of metal scraping against gravel jarring in his ears?
As he sits up slowly, he finds the air to be much lighter, clearer, even. As if the dust has finally settled, he inhales slowly, relishing in the way he manages to fully fill his lungs with air before exhaling out gently.
He faces the alarm clock by his bedside, expecting it to flash in taunting red numbers again, except, it doesn’t. The numbers are lit up by a soft, blue light now, and they layer of dust on the screen has seemingly cleared up.
10:29:32
Rolling off the edge of the bed, his feet find the soft, warm carpet. For once, he feels grounded, as if he’s been freed from the webs of ‘what-ifs’ and ‘if-onlys’ he’d gotten himself tangled into.
As Sunoo ambles out of his room and towards the living room, he notices the amount of light streaming into his apartment. Curtains pulled and blinds drawn, he squints at the windows before turning his attention to a note taped onto the dining table.
‘Place really looked like shit. Did some cleaning, if you even do that sort of thing. Check the kitchen too.’
Sunoo trails his eyes to the bottom of the note. There, scribbled hastily with a marker, is Sunghoon’s name, coupled with a lopsided smiley face.
He lets out a soft chuckle, thankful for just how much less cluttered the apartment feels. The piles of unwashed dishes in the sink are rumbling in the dishwasher beneath the counter. And the glass cup he’d knocked over weeks ago has been replaced with a new one that sits on the dining table.
The aroma of freshly made pancakes wafts towards him from the kitchen, and maple syrup drips past the edges of the hotcakes stacked neatly on a plate on the table. Sunoo takes a bite, relishing in how the warmth spreads across his tongue. His meals had been cold leftovers and stale bread for the past few weeks, so Sunoo only has Sunghoon to thank for giving him a change of breakfast options.
Throwing on a white hoodie, he smooths the edges with his palms. There is an unexplained feeling of excitement and anticipation bubbling within him, and Sunoo can only hope that this time, things wil turn out differently.
Would this be the final loop?
8:50:04
Color has tip-toed its way back into his life, seeping in from the corners of his eyes. They’re not fully saturated just yet, but it’s enough to paint a stark contrast against the greyscale world he had previously drowned himself in.
As he walks down the street with a faint smile on his lips, he notices a florist just round the corner. Normally, he’d keep his head bowed, pushing back vivid memories of the crash. He’d focus on the wilted flowers, their graying petals fluttering to the ground despite the shopkeeper’s best efforts to save them.
But today, the flowers lining the wall of the shop are in full bloom, and Sunoo can almost catch a waft of sweet nectar. It kindles a smile within him, the kind that burns warm and long against his cheeks.
Standing amongst the flowers is a boy clad in a gray hoodie, his back turned and deep in conversation with the florist. His warm-brown hair catches the light with every faint nod of his head, painting his hair in a golden hue.
“They came in fresh an hour ago!” The lady behind the counter reaches to pick out a stalk from an unravelled bouquet, shoving it beneath Jungwon’s nose in excitement. The air is perfumed by the heavy scent of roses, an aroma evocative of the days when he’d walk past the same florist with Sunoo.
“What brings you here today?” The lady, whom Jungwon has come to know as Lily, chirps as she busies herself with a new batch of flowers delivered an hour ago.
“White roses,” Jungwon whispers, reaching out to grab a bouquet of them from a rack next to the counter. Lifting them to his nose, he can faintly smell the sickly, sweet aroma.
“Ah, his favorite flowers. What’s his name again? Sunny?” Lily looks lost in thought, her eyes searching for an answer from Jungwon. All he can do is let out a light-hearted chuckle, giving Lily a small shake of the head. “Sunoo, his name is Sunoo.”
“Well, he’s a lucky boy!” Lily hands Jungwon a couple more stalks to add to his bouquet, leaving him with an overwhelming number of roses clutched in his arms.
08:30:24
Sunoo watches as Jungwon reaches to grab at a bouquet. It isn’t just a regular bouquet of flowers.
They are white roses . His favorite.
Jungwon is getting him a bouquet of white roses.
Sunoo dashes down the sidewalk, stopping just a few feet short from where Jungwon has his back turned against him.
Jungwon is standing just a few feet away from him, talking, laughing, breathing . He’s alive, and he’s so alive, it almost pains Sunoo to see him like this.
Sunoo sneaks up behind Jungwon and throws his arms around his waist, eliciting a soft yelp of surprise from the younger boy. Jungwon swivels around immediately, hands dropping and reaching behind his back. Sunoo doesn’t need to peek to know what he’s hiding.
“Never thought of you to be a total sap, you know?” Sunoo grins, reaching behind Jungwon’s back to gently clasp onto his wrists. He brings the bouquet of roses out from behind his back and lets it bask in the gentle sunlight, barely a few inches between their chests.
“Ah, you blew it, Sunoo-ah !” Jungwon pinches the bridge of his nose in feigned annoyance, before poking at him square in the chest with his finger.
But instead of poking him back like Sunoo usually does, he just blanks at him with a saddened expression, suddenly remembering exactly why he’s here.
To say his last goodbyes.
How is he supposed to say goodbye to Jungwon when he’s only just begun to come back into his life?
When things are only just starting to fall into place again?
When Sunoo wants to tell him how badly he misses him?
“Aye, what’s up with the face?” Jungwon raises an eyebrow, staring at Sunoo questionably.
“I missed you,” Sunoo starts, before correcting himself, “I miss you.” Because he’s still missing him, because Jungwon is gone, and Sunoo can’t seem to accept that fact.
Jungwon simply chuckles softly, wrapping his arms around his waist. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Before Jungwon can get another word out, Sunoo pulls away and looks at him, his face growing too serious for Jungwon’s liking.
“Listen, we’re...” He pauses, looking at his wrist.
04:00:25
“We’re running out of time.” He divulges, not letting Jungwon cut him off.
“Thank you for trusting me, even when you had your doubts about the people you loved. You’re like a prayer for which no words exist, like a lighthouse that cuts through the dark, like a guiding star that lights my way home.” Sunoo laughs softly through tears. “You’re someone I can call home, and I think that’s all I’ll ever ask for, Jungwon-ah.”
Jungwon stares back at him with confusion and concern written all over his face. He wipes the tears from Sunoo’s face nonetheless and listens on quietly.
“Thank you for always taking such good care of me, for always being there on my worst days, and I really wish I could do the same for you one last time, but…” The slight flicker on his wrist watch breaks him out of his reverie.
02:24:19
“Sunoo-ya, is this supposed to be a farewell speech? Because it sounds like it and you’re definitely not going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere.”
Sunoo chokes up, letting out a soft, strangled sob. As much as he wants to agree with Jungwon, as much as he wants to pull him close and tell him that they’d never be leaving each other again, he knows deep down he’s simply lying to himself.
Because it is, Jungwon-ah. It’s a farewell speech I’ll never get the chance to properly phrase, a speech I’d have to deliver with tears threatening to burst forth, a speech you’d never understand until the time comes.
Sunoo can sense Jungwon’s gaze burning a hole through his skull, and with tears streaming down his face, why wouldn’t Jungwon be curious?
“Hey, c’mere,” Jungwon wraps his arms around Sunoo’s back gently, feeling how much he’s trembling and how his shoulders would shudder with every strangled, muffled sob into the crook of Jungwon’s neck.
“Jungwonnie,” he whispers, heaving waves of agony washing over him as he closes his eyes and lays his head on his shoulder.
He knows that Jungwon is completely oblivious to the pain searing through his lungs, and the heavy, dreadful ache settling in his chest. He’d never understand. But Sunoo knows for a fact that Jungwon would always be by his side, no matter the situation.
“I—” Sunoo opens his mouth to talk, but nothing comes out as sobs wrack through his frame, and sheer grief and agony claws at his throat.
He feels Jungwon’s gentle touch running up and down his back, giving him soft, comforting pats on the shoulder every now and then. Jungwon hates seeing Sunoo break down, but above all, he hates how he has no idea about what has happened for him to be clutching onto him weakly, struggling to breathe. Because Sunoo rarely cries at all.
Jungwon holds him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soak his shoulder, the fabric darkening with each passing second. A tiny lapse lets him pull away, blinking lashes heavy with tears, before he collapses again into Jungwon’s shoulder, silent sobs sounding the most desolate they’ve ever been.
“You’re going to be oka—”
“I love you. I still love you, Jungwonnie. I missed you so much.”
Jungwon pulls back from their embrace, looking up to find Sunoo’s eyes wide and red-rimmed, his lips trembling in a way that Jungwon has never seen in all his years by Sunoo’s side.
“Sunoo-ah…” Jungwon trails off, resting his forehead gently on Sunoo’s chest, now damp from his own tears trickling down his neck and staining Sunoo’s hoodie. “I missed you very much, too.”
“Can we start all over again? I want to love you.” Jungwon looks up at him, his eyes beginning to well up with tears again. “Till the end of time?”
Sunoo raised his hand, taking one last, long look at the numbers on his watch.
00:00:00
“Till the end of time.”
Then, the air around him grows quiet as he shuts his eyes in fear, expecting the familiar crash resonating throughout the city.
Except, there is none.
-00:15:13
Sunoo opens his eyes slowly, blinking back tears mixed with sweat. There’s a void in his chest, the warmth no longer radiating and the comforting shoulder nowhere to be found.
Looking down at the concrete, he expects to see a pool of crimson red forming around his sneakers, unforgivingly taking up more and more of the sidewalk, until the pavement is covered in nothing but a sea of red.
Instead, a bouquet of white roses lies on the ground, petals lightly speckled with dirt and dust. They catch the morning sunlight perfectly.
Sunoo notices a crisp, white envelope tucked carefully between the petals. Picking it up, he runs his fingers along the corners, his eyes landing on the writing inscribed on the front.
‘Sunoo’.
It’s written neatly in cursive, a lopsided heart doodled on hurriedly next to his name.
He clutches the flowers and the envelope close to his chest, knowing that they are the last of what Jungwon has left him with.
——————————
To: Sunoo
First off, I know I don’t write letters often. In fact, never. But I have a lot to say, and I figured I’d just pour my thoughts out in here. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to hand this letter to you, if we could ever get the chance to make things work between us again, but I hope I’m there to see it when that day comes.
Sunoo can hear Jungwon’s voice in his head as he reads word after word, line after line. Tears make furrows on his dirt-streaked face, and they never stop. He reads each word slowly, afraid that if he went any faster, they’d disappear from his sight instantly.
I see you in everything, and in everyone, Sunoo-ah. A little rabbit with a broken paw came in a couple weeks ago, and it reminded me of that one time when you’d insisted on playing in the climbing frames at the kids’ playground, when I had to patch you up at home after you’d fallen off and landed on your arm. I tended to that rabbit and thought of you. How I held its heart in my hands and cleaned its festering wounds with cotton and wrapped gauze around its paw like a tender hug. I hope it felt like your hugs. I also wish you were there to hug me.
I know you said things wouldn’t work out between us, that we’d never end up together because the world demands something we are not, but I refuse to believe it, Sunoo-ah. There’s a small part of me that harbors hope, a living and breathing hope that one day, once you’ve explored all other worlds and paths and people, that you might find your way back to me once more.
I’m willing to fight for us, Sunoo. I’d like to create our own happiness, I’d like to do that with you.
I love you, Sunoo. I always have. It’s always been you.
All my love,
Jungwon
“Let’s fight for the both of us, Jungwon-ah...” Sunoo whispers to himself, dark grey patches steadily blooming on the letter in his hands as the edges of the paper crumple in his grasp.
Jungwon had asked for eleven minutes.
Sunoo took twelve.
“I love you too, Jungwonnie. Let’s start over again together, shall we?”
12:00:00