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"It's just a cough."
That's what Hanayo insists when Rin asks her if she's feeling okay after a fit during their walk to the college. When they continue on and she's sure she's not looking, Hanayo wipes the red stained mucus off her hand with a tissue.
During movie night, Hanayo feels pressure in her chest and throat so she hastily gets up and goes to the washroom. She sputters and hacks until she's dizzy and she wishes she wasn't getting used to the feeling. Just outside the bathroom door, Maki is knocking anxiously.
"Hanayo, are you alright? That doesn't sound good." She says.
Guilt thrums through her at the sound of her worry. She doesn't want anyone to worry about her. It probably wasn't a big deal.
"I think I might be getting a cold."
At least that's what she wants to believe.
She's discovered that, if she can help it, the best way to weather the coughing fits is in the bathroom. Tissues, toilet paper, water and occasionally wash clothes keep the mess contained and, despite the echo that comes with small linoleum spaces, bathrooms are usually farther away from the social parts of a building. Better yet, nobody actually questions when someone goes to the bathroom.
Her ribs and lungs ache all the time now, a fact she can't distract from during the night and keeps her up for hours. She's thankful for her place on the edge of the bed, it makes it easier to escape. What makes it less easy is when Maki, ever the cuddler, latches onto her instead of Rin.
"Where're you going?" Maki mumbles when Hanayo, feeling the familiar lurch in her chest and pricking up her throat, gets up to retreat to the bathroom again.
"Bathroom." She whispers, moving the red-head's fingers from her arm and to Rin's head.
"Again?"
Guilt burns almost as bad as her lungs, "Yeah."
She wants to go to the doctor, would if she could, but it's not so easy. The three of them are loan laden college kids splitting expenses and rent on an apartment and without much insurance.
Maki had made it clear when they decided to live together that she didn't want her parents to pay for anything because she wanted to earn her lifestyle herself and effectively learn to take care of herself along with them. Asking her to borrow money from them, for her, after seeing that determined look in her eyes felt so wrong.
So, Hanayo held on to the weak belief that it would go away on it's own despite her condition showing otherwise.
"Kayo-chin! I got you some mints for your cough!" Rin says, energetic as ever, thrusting the little tin into her hands.
"Oh! Thank you, Rin!" Surprised and flattered, she opens the little thing and takes one. She squeezes Rin into a tight hug, half for comfort, half to hide the pain on her face as the ethanol pierces the damage in her throat.
"I got some tea, too." Maki interjects from behind her, "It's good for colds and sore throats, so drink some, okay?"
Blinking back tears, Hanayo nods. Her girlfriends take such good care of her, but she's beginning to think it won't be enough this time.
It's impossible to hold back the fits, now. Both Maki and Rin have suggested they all go to the clinic together but her answer is always the same.
"It's just a cough. Dry weather."
"For two months?" Maki says incredulously, brow pinched with concern.
"Kayo-chin, we're just worried." Rin adds and it's plainly etched on her face, too.
"There's no need!" She raises her voice and that proves to be a mistake.
Another fit shakes her, her hand clapped over her mouth to hide what she knows will come out. Her chest burns up to her tongue and her head spins from unsteady oxygen. Maki and Rin both have their arms around her keeping her steady as her knees quake uncertainly.
She tries to shove them off lightly, they're too close to hide from, but they hold her tight. Tears gather at the corners of her eyes, frustration and guilt. She never wanted this. She just didn't want them to worry.
When she settles, her hand remains on her face. After a moment, Maki, suspicious, tears it away and holds it.
The silence in that moment is sickening and forces the tears from Hanayo's eyes at last. With shuddered breaths and blood on her hand she sobs.
"Kayo-chan..." Rin's voice breaks, disbelief tainting her tone as she, too, begins to cry.
"Hanayo... you... why?" Maki whispers.
She can't bear to look the musician in the eye, knows the heartbreak that's there without seeing.
"I just- I didn't want to worry anyone. I didn't w-want it to be a-anything." She sobs her answer.
"The hospital! Maki's parent's hospital! We'll go there! We'll fix this!" Rin insists, desperate.
Hanayo bites back her words, her crackling voice, and nods.
She's scared, terrified, as she sits lays in the hospital bed with her girlfriends flanked on either side. Maki's hand shakes in her own as Maki's father explains the situation. Rin's crying harder than ever, yelling that he's wrong, to check again, that there must be something they could do.
"I-it's just a cough." Hanayo finally says, detached.
He shakes his head.
Hanayo turns, buries her face and salt into the pillow, because she knows he's right and she knows this is all her fault. She wishes, prays, that this could be a bad dream or maybe to turn back time and get help earlier but now it's far too late.