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Quietly, Simon knocks on Wille's door. Even though there’s no one in the hallway right now, he doesn’t want to attract any attention. He just wants to see Wille without any further delay.
There's no answer or audible movement in the room, so he knocks again, a little louder.
"I'm trying to sleep," he hears Wille's muffled voice say.
"It's Simon. Please let me in," he pleads. There's no reply, and he starts to think that maybe there won't be, because after tonight, he's not sure why Wille would open the door for him, especially at this hour after he's supposedly gone home with his supposed boyfriend. But he really needs to see Wille, so he raises his hand and is about to knock again when the door opens a fraction.
It's dark inside the room so Wille's face is obscured against the brightness of the hallway, but even so Simon can see he's been crying. There's a jolt of pain in his chest at that and all he wants is to make it better. Which, of course, is somewhat hypocritical of him, since after hearing about Wille and Felice, he wanted to hurt Wille by bringing Marcus to the ball tonight. Mostly, he just really wanted to stop being miserable, stop missing Wille, but yes, he also wanted to make Wille hurt, just a little, because he was hurt too.
And then Wille said that he would let Simon go and everything just... stopped. The thought of Wille giving up on them was like a punch to the gut, knocking all the air out of his lungs. He could barely breathe and it was impossible to concentrate on the party or anything Marcus was saying. All he could think about was finding Wille again, making him take back what he said, but before Simon could come up with an excuse to go find him, he was being called for the choir performance.
His eyes automatically sought Wille in the audience while he sang, and his voice almost faltered when their eyes met. Wille was smiling at him, but the smile was friendly and polite and wrong in the same way Wille had said “your boyfriend seems nice”. It was a revelation, the sureness that he never, ever wanted that lukewarm look from Wille directed at him again, and he knew what he needed to do.
So when he saw Wille go out the door after the song ended, he didn't follow, not yet, even though everything in him screamed in protest of letting Wille go. Instead, he pulled Marcus into a quiet corridor and told him that it wasn't working between them and it never would, and listened to Marcus blaming him for "being just like the rest of them" and "thinking you're too good to date a commoner”. Simon didn’t have the energy to point out that if Marcus knew him at all, he would know how untrue that was.
And now, finally, he's here and he can at least try to make things right.
"Why are you here?" Wille asks with a hint of annoyance.
Because I don't want you to let me go.
Because I can't stay away from you anymore.
Because I love you.
None of those things make it out of his mouth, though. They're too much, all of them.
"Can I come in?" he asks instead.
Wille walks back into his room, not opening the door wider but not closing it either, so Simon takes it as a yes and follows Wille, closing the door behind him. Wille turns on a small light over his desk and turns back to face Simon. He’s washed away the makeup and changed to a t-shirt and pajama pants, and with more light in the room, Simon can see how red Wille's eyes are and how he's not even trying to hide it.
"I'm sorry," Simon breathes out, without really meaning to. Wille looks at him, but doesn’t ask what he means or what he’s sorry for, or say anything else in response either. The silence of the room feels deafening until Wille sighs and repeats his earlier question.
"Why are you here, Simon?"
Simon opens his mouth but no words come out. He is still wearing his school uniform and it feels like the collar of his shirt might strangle him. He knows he needs to explain, to make Wille understand, but now that he's here, he just wants to skip all that and be close to Wille. The urge to reach out and touch him is so overpowering that he has to forcibly press his hands into fists to refrain from it.
”I need to talk to you,” he finally manages.
Wille looks at him, expectant and confused.
"I was just trying to do what was right for me," he starts, and realises that he sounds defensive, like Wille has accused him of something, even though he has done exactly the opposite less than two hours ago.
Wille still doesn't say anything, but it seems like all of his attention is focused on Simon, waiting for him to continue. Wille bites the nail of his thumb, giving away his anxiety, and Simon wants to grab the hand and kiss it to stop Wille from being nervous.
"I wanted to be with you," Simon starts again, more composed this time. "Without rules or restrictions. But I knew you couldn't give that to me. I thought maybe you didn't want to.”
Wille's jaw tightens and he closes his eyes, nodding, but Simon doesn't know if it's in agreement or just an acknowledgment of his words.
“But... maybe it's not that you didn't want that. You just..." he trails off, searching for the right words. "You're not just you, you're also the future King of this country." It is one of the things he has begun to understand, that even though Simon himself has the freedom of being in a relationship with anyone he chooses, it's not that simple for Crown Prince Wilhelm, no matter what kind of other privileges comes with being royalty. No matter what Wille himself wants.
"I understand that you have to do what you have to do because you're the Crown Prince.”
Wille nods again, sinking into himself a little. "And you have to do what you have to do because you're you," he says, no challenge or anger in his voice, just resignation and understanding. He pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs. "Listen, I appreciate you telling me that, and I promise I will try to find a way to be okay with all of this. You want to move on, I get it." He’s putting on the polite face again, and Simon feels like screaming.
"Stop saying that!" he snaps, only realising how angry he sounds when he sees Wille's shocked face. Simon wants him to not get it, he wants Wille to fight for him, for them. But that is exactly what he's been trying to do all this time, isn't it, Simon just hasn't let him, and now Wille looks like there's no fight left in him.
"What do you want me to say then?" Wille spits out, more tired than angry, but there's a bite of venom in the words and Simon is almost relieved at that, because anything is better than the impersonal tone from before. "You bring your new boyfriend--“
"He’s not my boyfriend," Simon interrupts. "I just told him that and he drove away. I'm basically stranded here,” he tries to joke, but it falls flat and there's not even a trace of amusement on Wille's face.
“I tried to fall in love with him to be able to forget about you," Simon blurts out, desperate to make his point. Wille's eyes jump to Simon’s, clearly surprised.
Simon takes a breath. He's generally not afraid to say what he thinks and what he wants, but feelings are a different matter altogether. He's used to being the one to take care of other people and their emotional needs, not sharing his own. He's always kept some of his feelings just to himself, partly because it feels safer not to let anyone too far in, and partly because sometimes it's easier if he doesn't have to acknowledge them.
No one knows how deep he fell for Wille, because he hasn't told anyone, not really. Not even Wille himself, although he was never subtle about showing it to him before... well, before. But he never said it. And he's never told anyone how much it hurt to let Wille go, to stay away day after day. How he had to try to bury it all and pretend he could fall for Marcus, just to be able to function. It's too much to even admit to himself, let alone say out loud to someone else.
But the way Wille makes him feel, the way he feels somehow simultaneously excited and peaceful when they're together, the way he looks at Wille and knows that this is what love feels like - it actually makes him want to open up. Doesn't make it necessarily easy, though, but he knows he wants Wille to know.
"I know you didn't mean to lie to me. Or to the world. But you did, and it hurt. It hurt that you tried to make me into a secret, like I was something to be ashamed of. I needed to stay away to protect myself, to have some self-respect.”
Wille looks at him like there's nothing else in the world worth his interest. It's so intense he has to look away to be able to keep talking.
“But I missed you so much that I couldn’t--" breathe, he thinks, but doesn't say. "I just, I thought maybe if I found someone else, I could forget about you and move on. But it didn’t work,” he exhales, some of his frustration escaping with his words again. "Nothing works." It's not exactly everything he wants to say, but it's what he can put into words right now.
Wille is quiet for some time, examining Simon's face like it could reveal some elusive truth. "What are you saying?" Wille asks finally, so quietly it's almost inaudible, closing his eyes as if to shield himself from the inevitable pain. Simon hates seeing Wille like this, hates being the reason for it.
"I still want to be with you," Simon says, a little surprised at how easily the words come out. It feels good to be able to say it out loud, like letting go of a secret he never really wanted to keep to himself. "And I'm tired of pretending I don't."
Wille's eyes snap open and he inhales sharply. The look on his face is heartbreaking: There is hope in his eyes, but he's trying to tone it down, his jaw visibly clenching with the effort.
Simon reaches out, carefully placing his hand on Wille's cheek, trying to coax the tension out with gentle strokes of his thumb. Touching is so much easier than speaking, and he marvels at how, even now, Wille doesn't flinch from the touch, just exhales slowly and lifts his eyes to look at him with wide, hopeful eyes. Simon thinks he might burst with how much he feels, so he reaches up to kiss Wille's forehead and says, "I love you." He looks into Wille's eyes to make sure he knows he means it. "If we have to be a secret, then we'll be one."
Wille collapses against him, burying his head in Simon's neck and wrapping his arms around him. Wille lets out a choking sound and his breaths feel unsteady on Simon's neck. He holds Wille silently for some time, hands stroking his back gently until his breathing evens out, reveling in the fact that finally, finally he can do this again.
"I don't want us to have to be a secret," Wille mumbles into Simon's collar.
"I know," Simon says, carding his fingers through Wille's hair, and realises that he actually means it. He knows that Wille loves him, knows that Wille doesn't want to hide them even if Crown Prince Wilhelm has to, for now, and for the first time in a long time it really feels like they're in this together.
After a while, Wille lifts his head and touches his nose to Simon's cheek, bringing their faces close together. Simon can feel Wille's breath on his face, his skin so sensitive in anticipation that even a whisper of a touch feels like fireworks. They breathe each other in, noses touching, foreheads pressed together.
"I've missed you so much," Wille whispers, tracing Simon's cheekbone with his fingers. Simon shivers and his eyes flutter shut as Wille keeps touching his face, brushing his curls to the side, his fingers gentle and careful.
Wille presses his lips against Simon's, just for a moment, a silent question. Simon's breath catches. It's unfair how strongly his body reacts to Wille and how he's completely defenceless against it. He opens his eyes to look at Wille, and if he wasn't already irrevocably in love, he certainly would be now. Wille's eyes are full of love and want, but he's waiting for Simon's permission, searching his face for any sign of rejection or even uncertainty.
Something snaps inside Simon at how careful Wille is being. He's done pretending, he's done stopping himself from having what he wants, done fighting something that feels so inevitable, so right. He attacks Wille's mouth with his own, with such force that Wille almost loses balance, the back of his thighs hitting his desk. He pushes Wille against the desk, slipping his hands under Wille's shirt and grasping at his back. He feels slightly desperate but also like he can finally breathe right. Like an error in the universe has been fixed.
It takes a couple of seconds for Wille to get with the program, maybe to get over the surprise of the sudden onslaught of lips and hands, but then he starts kissing back, his hand curving around the back of Simon's neck, the other hand gripping the lapel of Simon's jacket, as if trying to make sure he's not going anywhere. They keep kissing and even though Simon wants more contact, more skin, more everything, it's too good to change anything so he just goes with it, his hands roaming over Wille's upper body and finally settling on his head, fingers tangling in his hair.
Wille's hands travel down Simon's back, making him shiver even through two layers of clothing, and when they dip below his waist, Wille grabs him and pulls them closer, pressing their hips together.
Simon's brain short-circuits and involuntarily he separates his mouth from Wille's in order to take a sharp breath. They look at each other silently, both breathing hard. Simon can see his stunned excitement mirrored in Wille's face. He grabs Wille's waist and pushes him to sit on the bed, pulling Wille's shirt off of him, then does the same with his own jacket and starts loosening his tie. Wille uses the belt loops of Simon's trousers to pull him closer until his knees hit the bed and he almost stumbles before he finally gets his tie off.
While Simon struggles to open the buttons on his shirt, Wille leans back on the bed, resting on his elbows, his hair a mess and lips kiss-swollen. He's so gorgeous it should be illegal, and Simon knows he's stopped moving to just stare at Wille, but at this point, he really doesn't care. And judging by the smile on Wille's lips, it seems he doesn't mind, either.
"What is it?" Wille asks, a teasing spark in his eyes. "You want me to find some video game noises on YouTube?"
Simon bursts out in a laugh that is almost hysterical. He groans and kicks Wille's shin with his foot, grinning like an idiot. He loves the teasing look on Wille’s face and he loves that they can be like this together, even now, when everything is still fragile and tentative.
"I hate you," he informs Wille as he climbs into his lap, his shirt now open but still hanging on him, and the most ridiculous pout appears on Wille's face.
"I thought you loved me," Wille mutters petulantly while sneaking his fingers inside Simon's shirt, pushing it off his shoulders, a grin threatening to overthrow the pout.
"I changed my mind," Simon says and leans down to bite Wille's ear to prove his point. It makes Wille gasp deliciously, which in turn makes Simon forget about their banter and remember that he wants to drown himself in Wille.
He finally frees his hands from his sleeves and places them on Wille’s shoulders, holding on as he puts his mouth on Wille's neck, placing open-mouthed kisses along the side of his throat. He feels Wille's hands on his back, finally on bare skin, traveling lower again, pulling them deeper into each other.
Simon wants to keep doing this forever, he wants to freeze this moment in time and get lost in it, he wants... He just wants, which is basically what he has been doing since Wille put his hand on Simon's mouth to keep him from revealing their location to August at Wille's initiation party. Or maybe even since Wille sat opposite to him at the lunch table and said that he liked Simon's words against the rich, the monarchy and by extension, against Wille himself.
For so long, he thought he would never have this anymore. It's almost dizzying to realise that this is real now, it's not a dream, not a fantasy, he's actually breathing in Wille's real-life body and not just his fading scent in the stolen sweater. Suddenly he's feeling so overwhelmed that he has to catch his breath, so he presses his forehead to Wille's, trying to calm his breathing.
As if sensing Simon's feelings, Wille strokes his cheek gently.
"Hey," Wille says softly.
"Hey," he replies, still out of breath.
“Are you okay?” Wille's fingers brush Simon's hair off his face, his own hands tracing patterns on Wille's shoulder blades like it's impossible to not keep touching each other.
“Yeah. Very okay," he says with a smile. “You?”
“I'm good," Wille says. "So I heard you might be stuck at Hillerska for the night.”
"Mmhmm," Simon confirms, lowering his head onto Wille's shoulder, breathing him in.
"You could stay here if you want.”
"A generous offer,” he mumbles against Wille's neck, pretending to consider it. "Fine, maybe I don't hate you." Wille laughs at that and Simon smiles at the sound. He lifts his head to kiss Wille again, just an affectionate, quick press of lips at first, but they are both too impatient for that by now.
They share a look and Simon feels like a whole conversation is had in it. A conversation that begins with slightly questioning eyes, goes through widening smiles and a shared feeling of finally, and ends with their lips meeting in the middle, both very aware where this is going and eager to get there.
Wille's hands are everywhere, grasping and pulling them closer - it seems he has missed this as much as Simon has. Their kisses become sloppy until they're basically just breathing into each other while moving their hips together, but it's not enough, so Simon slides his hand down Wille's side and then slowly to the front, between them. Wille lets out a shaky exhale and separates their mouths to look at Simon.
"Does this mean you'll stay?" Wille asks with a breathy voice. He's grinning and Simon can see in his eyes that he already knows the answer - as if there was any way Simon would leave now. Simon laughs, unable to contain his joy at having a second chance at this.
"I'll stay."