Chapter Text
Khaotung stares intently at First who is happily basking in the attention their friends is giving him. Like always, Fir is the darling of the crowd. At 6.1 feet, he looks surprisingly cute and terribly good looking that everyone adores him. His gentle and easy going personality makes Fir the complete package. No one in GMMTV hates him and the fans are crazy for him.
Khao is the opposite. He feels suffocated whenever people gather around him and he usually feels awkward. He hates the feeling so much that he oftentines avoid them. There is only a few people who are brave enough to choose to be friends with him despite his introverted personality. These few people like P'Earth, Mix who is his age and N'Neo who is younger, have understood that Khao is just like a bear by nature; always in hibernation and absolutely doesn't move if not necessary. They are the few who had accepted him as he is and so they have a pretty good relationship. But not like his relationship with First. No one could ever compare to his relationship with First.
They met each other as rookies in GMMTV about 6 years ago. Immediately, First was drawn to the quiet , pensive boy whose mysterious, moonlike eyes kept staring at him when he thinks First isn't watching. Like everyone else, First approached him to make friends because First is by nature, friendly and very nice.
Khao at the beginning tried to fend him off, determined to not care about First anymore and his goal was to make sure he leaves his mother and sister with enough money to live comfortably when he dies. In the guise of dislike, he shot down all attempts on the taller man's part to get closer to him.
Khaotung has a secret though. He loves First. He always had. Not for 6 years, but for more than a 100 years. You see, Khao had been born with the unique ability to remember his past lives, but only the parts that involves First.
His first memory and maybe this is his first life, he was born as Thanawat Rattanakitpaisan, the only male heir to a rice and sugar plantation in the north of Thailand. In his memory, it was a time when everyone thinks that homosexuality is a disease and a sin. Despite it all, he and Kanaphan Puitrakol, son of one of their farmers, whom he met accidentally one day, found themselves falling in love and they would often sneak out into the fields at night.
At first, those meetings were innocent meet ups between two men who liked each other platonically. They'd talk for hours and share stories of their day. Eventually, they found themselves intertwining their fingers, holding hands tightly, kissing each other and eventually they discovered carnal knowledge.
Only the tall sugarcanes surrounding them- their naked bodies bathe by moonlight, had witnessed the moans and grunts of need and passion spilling from the lips of the two young men desperately clutching each other in the semi darkness. Despite knowing their love was doomed, they still couldn't seem to stay out of each other's life or each other's body. Their need for each other defying everything they know was right and forsaking the bright future waiting for them.
One day, they were discovered and the shame had caused the rich plantation owner and the farmer to mutually agree to kill their "demonically possessed sons" by hanging. Despite their tragic fate, Than and Kan- as they were known back then, had vowed to find each other in every lifetime until they can finally be free to love each other, promising no one will be able to make them forget their love.
The first time Khaotung or Than, as he was originally called, was reborn he was Joe and Fir- who was called Kan before, was Jim Bae. That was also how he realized that only he seemed to remember who they were and Kan had no idea, because JimBae had basically ignored him. He died young, at the age of 28 never having the courage to tell Kan who he was.
The second time he was born, he was called Longtae. A simple mountain boy who went to study in the big university. He met Kan as Yok at that time. The beautiful artist and rebel. He was obsessed with this version of Kanaphan. His beautiful body covered in tattoos, his body had more muscles and ripped abs due to training. But Yok already had Dan. Longtae waited and waited but Dan and Yok were very happy together. Longtae doesn't have the heart to cause his lover pain by interfering. Tragically, at 28, Longtae once again died due to a vehicular accident. The bus he was riding back to his mountain village fell off a cliff.
The third time he was born, he was Ayan and finally, he met Kan as Akk at only 17 years old. He was hopeful to finally make it work this time. He had succeeded somewhat, because even if Akk didn't remember the past, he still fell in love with him. At that point, Ayan really didn't care anymore if Akk ever recalls that they had been lovers for a long time. He was happy to have him beside him. That is all that mattered to him. But destiny is still as cruel to the lovers as it had been in the past, because Akk had committed suicide due to depression after the Suppalo scandal. Again, Thanawat was forced to live his life in loneliness as Ayan until he died at the age of 28.
After the third time it happened, Than realized- If he and Kan aren't together by the age of 28, he dies. Maybe Kan also does, because it seemed like they are always born mere months apart from each other.
So the fourth time he was reborn, he spent it looking for Kan and to keep the curiosity of his family and friends at bay. They wondered why he never dated at all when he is already in his mid twenties, he said he was in-love with his close friend and the man he considers his older brother-- Uncle Jim. Because of this, people left him alone, feeling pity, knowing Jim will never be in love with him like that. But Gaipa met Alan at 27. By then Alan was a broken hearted man, who ironically lost his fiancee to Uncle Jim. Gaipa thought he finally had his chance. Unfortunately, until they both turned 28... Alan's heart had belonged to Wen. Alan died of Pneumonia and Gaipa, died of cancer.
The four miserable lives he lived through and remembered vividly had finally taken its toll on his mental health. Than was born as Ray the fifth time. Only he suffered so much because of the memories of the past four lifetimes he had lived never having Kan back. As Ray, Than drank himself to oblivion. Fighting off the dreams and memories of the past. Even though he met Sand, at 23, he was far too jaded by then to actually believe they were ever going to be happy together. Of course they got together, the feelings between them after all had never dimmed despite the five lifetimes... they were still so passionately and totally in love with each other. But this time, it was Ray's memories of the past that had caused their destruction. He couldn't let go of the alcohol, his only solace against the painful onslaught of the past. Sand left with no words whatsoever after finally having had enough of Ray's self destructive tendencies not knowing how he suffered because of their past, and this time... Ray died at 28 after trying to find Sand and failing, by overdosing on sleeping pills.
Now on their 6th life. He was born a simple northern boy, whose mother was widowed at such a young age. Leaving him, the eldest child, to be his mother's partner in keeping their family together. Finally, as if they had come full circle, his mother named him the same as his first life- Thanawat Rattanakitpaisan. This time though, instead of Than... his mother gave him the nickname: Khaotung. Determined to give up finding Kan, no longer believing they will ever be able to fulfill the vow they made to find each other in the past. Using his painful memories of the past as a tool, Khaotung became known as a great actor. In the university he was famous and was always a praised member of the drama club. Finally getting discovered by a talent hunter through social media; Khao, as he is fondly called by his family and friends, left Chang Mai to become an actor in Bangkok. He was determined to make his mom and sister rich before he dies at 28.
Ironically when he is not looking and had given up, at 19 he meets First Kanaphan Puitrakul as a co-actor of all things. Because he had suffered so much for the last five lifetimes, Khao tried his best to stay away from First.
In the acting workshops, both Khao and First excelled immediately. Both are such good criers that they can command tears at will and their emotions are so intuned with whatever characters they are given it had surprised the directors and acting coaches. To find one gem in every batch is already a miracle, to find two of them at the same time was jackpot. First and Khao were instant favorites. Khao knew they both are gifted like this because of all the things they went through in the 6 lifetimes they had. First doesn't know, but Khao does.
He was relieved when they were immediately placed in separate projects after their launch. Khao contented himself with loving First from afar and seeing him happily loving his life was already enough for him.
On his part, First had oftentimes thought of the introverted boy Khaotung who hated him. He always wondered what he could have done to him to deserve that because he is normally loved by everyone. He sees the beautiful, quiet boy often in GMMTV but he tried to respect his apparent dislike for him... so he stayed away despite wanting to do otherwise.
One day, things changed when out of the blue Khaotung had no choice but to ask First for help. Despite his almost cruel attitude to First, the taller man had readily helped him with a cheerful smile on his face. Khaotung's wall had crumbled in an instant, when the beautiful First smiled so innocently at him showing off his beautiful bambi eyes and dimples when he thanked him. Khao was in a checkmate.
That night, he invited First to dinner in guise of thanking him which the tall man readily accepted. From then on, Khao was besieged by the First Kanaphan effect. When he looks, First is there beside him. Smiling sweetly and always so gently supporting him. First started calling him friend and his usually quiet phone is now noisily beeping at various hours of the day with endless messages from First. Kanaphan came back to his life like a hurricane. Destroying whatever barricade he built against him with barely no efforts.
One night, after they had spent the whole afternoon playing PC games; as they were lounging on the couch of Khaotung's condominium First suddenly mentioned how he always felt that he had known Khaotung for more than the years they actually had. He said he feels so familiar, comfortable and safe around him that it feels almost disarming. First who was an over achiever, born from an academe and rich family; and surrounded and loved by many admitted quietly how he had never been as at home with anyone as he is with Khaotung.
Khaotung's tears fell that night, as he gently stroked his Firfir's soft hair. The taller boy had fallen asleep after they had their late dinner and had decided to watch a classic hollywood film. First who is by now very comfortable with skinship with Khaotung had sprawled on his couch, head on his lap declaring himself to be exhausted and needing some comfort. Khao thought how easy it is to give in to the desire to love First again, but he was scared of their ending. He is the only one who remembers how much it sucks to loose First over and over again.
As he continues to run his fingers in a hypnotic motion in Fir's head, he summons the memory of their first kiss, their first touches. Khao scoffs how he still remembers what First tastes like, how he always seems to prefer his upper lip while First liked to suck on his lower lip. Leaning back against the couch, closing his eyes while still running his hand on Fir's hair. His tears keeps falling, as he remembered the cool dawn breeze as First slowly removed his clothes, kissing his neck, his shoulders, his nipples. How First had sucked and lapped on his hips, finding out this is his erogenous area. Now on the exact area that First had marked the first time they made love and whispered huskily--"so beautiful, you are so beautiful Than" as the gentle breeze moved the sugarcane leaves surrounding them the night they both lost their virginity to each other is a beautiful ink in cursive that says the exact word that First---back then, Kan said--Beautiful.
Khao cried for the innocent boys who only wanted to be free to love, the young men who risked their life for those short forbidden times they had together and the many lifetimes he had to suffer hoping they can still make good on the promise they made back then.
Not noticing his tears falling on First's beautiful face, large boba eyes opened and stared at the silently crying man. Immediately sitting up, hugging Khao... First's whispers, "Tung what's wrong?"
"Nothing Fir, I'm just thinking of the movie we watched," Khao tried to brush off this unexpected situation. Usually, First will be conked out for hours at least.
Holding his face gently with large, soft hands First murmurs, "I know when you are lying to me Tungtung. We made a promise to always tell each other everything."
Khaotung scoffs at the memory. They had driven for two hours--well, First drove, while he alternated between napping, eating and fiddling with Fir's car stereo. They arrived at a beautiful cliff, where people in instagram swears a very beautiful sunrise could be seen. So after their shoot for the trailer of their first series together wrapped, they decided to have the impromptu roadtrip. The raves were true and as the dark slowly lightened with the blacks slowly changing into myriad colors of oranges and yellows and then eventually white, as we both watched awestruck by the beauty, First suddenly asked me to promise, that whatever happens we will always tell each other everything... knowing he will be lying but he'd do anything to keep that smile on First's face... so he agreed.
Whatever happens we will always tell each other everything? You'd probably think I'm a mental case Firfir if I tell you about the 5 lifetime's I had to live through trying to love you. Now I'm just happily staying by your side, letting you be happy with Amber- your girlfriend since Senior High-school. Contented to be your "friend" and working on giving my family a better life before I died. Do you really expect me to tell you about our past? It's enough for me to live with the pain, I thank God everyday for sparing you from these painful memories.
"Tung," First tries to get me to sit up, worried and wiping my tears gently.
"Fir just let me be for a minute, I'm fine," I said.
"You're not... I know you're not. If you won't tell me why you are crying, at least tell me what I can do to make you feel better," First begs.. the pain in his voice apparent. It seems despite not knowing, First will always also feel this intense connection between us. My pain, is affecting him.
"Can you help me forget? Just for one night, I want to live with no pain, with no consequences. Can you? And tomorrow when we wake up, can you promise me you'll not ask me or mention what happened ever again? Fir, can you do that? " I sobbed, wondering if I'm asking for too much.
Before I could dissuade myself from this idiotic thought, I felt First's soft lips touch mine. Deepening the kiss by sliding his tongue on my lips and then making it open my mouth. My heart is beating so loud I felt I was having a heart attack, as First straddles me and proceeds to kiss me in places only he knows I wanted to be kissed. First, even without his memories knew exactly where to touch me as if they were muscle memories.
Just like those stolen moments in the sugar cane fields, once again First and I are stealing a very short time to love each other but I don't care anymore. For one night, I am gifting myself this- my price for the 5 lifetimes I suffered remembering First alone. As he took me, our bare skins dancing with little electric currents wherever we touch, our bodies connecting and I felt myself completed. First is meant for me, but he doesn't remember and maybe he never will. But I know and I feel it. As we moved together, like two people who had done this too many times before, it has become so easy to please the other. As we both burst into our climax, like fireworks exploding in myriad beautiful colors, I bit First's shoulders muffling the I love you that had instinctively slipped through my lips as he kept moving inside me, chasing the remnants of his high.
Falling in exhaustion afterwards, First held me close. So close I had difficulty breathing but I didn't mind, I've never felt this happy before. Finally falling asleep with a smile on my face. Tomorrow, when we wake up; First, ever the obedient best friend that he is, will surely make good on his promise. We'll both act that this never happened and he'll go back to Amber, his girl friend and we'll hang out and keep calling each other friend.
I'm fine, I could live like this... maybe in my 7th life I could sleep with him more than once at least. For now, I can bask freely in First's presence as his best friend until I die at 28.