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Everyone's smiling. The cameras are flashing and people laugh. I don't. My best friend is getting married, and I'm sitting here with a stone cold face in the company of a glass of champagne. Lin didn't come with me, and I can understand that. She knows what went down between me and Frank, and she's perfectly fine without seeing him. Mikey's dancing with Alicia, and Ray's clapping for them. Us against the world, huh? Like in the beginning. At the end, it always comes down to us it seems.
Frank smiles, Frank laughes, Frank looks at his wife and Frank loves her. The only reason I'm here is that I'm the only one who didn't get invited by Frank or Jamia and Ray brought me as his plus one. I tried to deny, but he really wanted me to come. And honestly, it's much better to cry here than at home, no? No it's not.
Who am I kidding? He cried as well. This is the least I deserve. When I was dancing like this with Lindsey, she was paying attention to me and me alone. Her eyes locked on mine and her lips formed a grin. Her long dress caressed my calf as we danced to a song we heard when we first met. But then my eyes slid on him and he just watched me with his big hazel eyes. His gaze laid upon me, like a little brother who can't believe that his sibling is moving out to start their life. We had everything, and I threw it away. A tear rolled down his face silently, then his body shook and another followed. And Ray pet his back and carried him away. That was the last time I saw him.
Up until now. But this time he won't look at me, because I'm a side character in his story now. And then maybe not...
For a second, time stopped; smiles froze on people's faces, the cameras went to sleep, and I couldn't hear anyone laughing. I don't understand why I'm the only one stuck here, and then I understand: he's looking into my eyes. it's been so long since I saw his eyes, that I feel like I aged more than I should have in the last year that's passed. He looks at me, not softly but still in a caring way. He can see my tears, but he isn't worried. This is his day, but he still wants my attention. And as quick as it occurred, it stops. He turns away and everything suddenly starts moving again. The world is a cold place without him.
Some time later when the music and drunk singing fades away, I sit at the door step with a cigarette. I promised I would never smoke again to him, but everytime I wanted to kiss him in the last year, only a drag of smoke consoled me. Mikey already went home, and Ray is saying his goodbyes. I can't even bring myself to think what Frank could be doing.
— Am i bothering?
And who would've expected him, but it's Frank standing behind me. Would be great, huh? No, it's Ray. I scooch over a bit to make him place next to me. I take a deep breath.
— This was useless. Please just don't lecture me, I'm so beyond sad... I know I fucked up, and if I could turn back time, I would choose him a million times over Lin. But I fucked it for good. He should've said yes to me, he should've danced with his gaze upon me. I fucked up... — I said with one breath.
— When you finished your lethargy, Frank said he wants to speak to you on the balcony. — Ray said, but he looked way sadder than usual.
My heart skipped a beat, maybe even two, and i took off. I rushed up the stairs, but I stopped at the front of the door. When I open this, Frank will stand on the balcony, and he won't look me in the eye. But that's a chance I'm willing to take.
And I was right, almost. Frank was standing there, leaning on the railing and admiring the scenery. His personally tailored suit was way too big on him, and his once beautiful long hair was now missing in places. Suddenly, he burst out coughing, and with his shaking hands he put his pocket square in front of his mouth. The crimson fabric got a lot redder at places. He turned towards me, and he looked me in the eye again. His irises were bloodshot, and his face was skinny and pale. He looked horrible. I stepped next to him and leaned on the railing myself.
— You could've told me sooner... Nothing can make this easier, but I wasn't ready to see you like this... — I whispered.
— What did you want to hear? Hey Gerard, I know we haven't talked in a year but I'm dying? It's serious. Chemo couldn't help anymore, and it's too far gone for sugeries. I only wish I had more time... with you. — His voice was rough and teary.
— For fuck's sake Frank... I always told you to quit that shit...
— You didn't quit either. It reminded me of you.
— Look where this got us. You know me better than myself, and I fucked you over. Just this once, please don't leave.— I could beg, I could crawl on the floor, but this isn't optional. He sighed at last.
— Do you remember our last night together? — he asked. I did. Right before my wedding. I held him like I want to take a piece of him with me everywhere. I never knew it would end, I wanted to believe it cannot. I nodded. — Do you know what I ask of you again?
— Frank, I would want to have you anytime and I would do anything for you but... what about Jamia? — he's not morally set for cheating.
— Jamia has been my best friend since I was a small boy. We agreed that if we're single when we turn 30, we would get married. I will never be 30... — I swallowed upon this, and lowered my head. Tears made their way out again, and I just stood there, realizing what this means. He made peace with his death.
— Spend the night with me, please. — I asked then, with his words. The same ones he used a year ago.
He then shot me a faint smile, and pulled me in a kiss.
We agreed that we'll take a hotel room for old time's sake. I pulled him on the bed, and held him like a fragile statue. His body was weak and I did not indent breaking it further. I showed him and told him everything I had bottled in. Whispered his name against his neck, until he fell asleep in my arms. The stars already lost their shine, and I just held him so desperately. This night can't end. Please don't let it end. The sun's first rays shined in the small window as I closed my eyes also.
In the morning, I woke up to an empty space next to me, but with too hurtful memories to forget. I was happy that we got to spend this night together, said a proper goodbye, but why did it have to end?
On the nightstand there was a letter for me. Good old fashioned goodbye; it read the following: "The hardest part of this is leaving you."
The heavy autumn fog weighted down the cemetery. Kids played dressed up as monsters, and got candy from houses for their best creative efforts. I used to love halloween, but now I can't ever even smile on this day. I stared numbly at the headstone that read Frank Iero. A tear rolled down my face. The world is a cold place without him.