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The skate park was Jeff’s go to place when he was upset. The atmosphere of it always bettered his mood no matter what. He needed that right now. He needed to get out of Alan’s house to think a bit. It was not that he needed space from Alan. If he did, he would get it if he stayed at the house because once again Alan was not there.
He sat at a table in the skate park's cafe that had a good view of the skating area. He liked this spot as he got to watch people enjoying skating as much as he did. He did not have a lot of memories of his life before he was adopted by Tony. The only one that he still remembers was when his mother taught him how to roller skate. He could not picture her face clearly anymore but oddly he remembered the bright blue skates he had. And the feeling of freedom when she let him go and he glided smoothly on his own. Watching others experience that feeling always brought a rare smile to his face. He did not smile too often other than with Charlie and recently Alan. He wasn’t smiling now thinking of the man. He worried at his lip and fidgeted with the bracelet on his wrist. Seeing the half heart made his own ache.
It had only been two weeks since Alan gave it to him. Two weeks since they got together. In every sense of the word. Thinking back to that night, still sent a feeling of excitement throughout his body but also caused more pain in his chest. That night meant so much to him. He was able to finally let go and embrace the love he felt for Alan as he let the man embrace him. At first he threw every possible excuse or reason for Alan to not like him at the man. The fact that he had a messed up adoptive father trying to kidnap him and an intrusive power that he could not control. Yet, Alan acknowledged all of it and showed that it did not matter. He wanted Jeff because he was Jeff.
There was a final reason that Jeff was not a good match with Alan that he held onto until the last moment. As crazy as the other reasons were, this one got to him the most. And that was that he was so much younger than Alan. Oddly he did not mind the fact that Alan was older. He used it to poke fun at the man but it really did not change how he felt for him. But the other way around may not be the case for Alan. Did he really want an inexperienced kid for a lover?
It was hard for Jeff to admit to the older man that it was his first time that night. He felt like his inexperience only further highlighted how he was not right for Alan. When Alan’s hand moved to unbutton his pants, Jeff’s hand naturally went to stop him. The excitement and fear that this was happening battled within him. When Alan gave his teasing smile asking Jeff to cooperate, Jeff could not resist the request. But he did not know what to do and finally told Alan that. From the bed to the shower Alan showed him exactly what to do.
It felt right that he gave himself over to Alan. Alan treated him so well. He went slow when Jeff needed it and went fast when Jeff begged for it. He was gentle until he didn’t need to be. He made sure that Jeff was okay with their pace. Made sure he enjoyed everything. Jeff never thought too much what his first time would be like. He was so used to being isolated that he unconsciously continued to do so even when it wasn’t enforced by Tony anymore. So thinking about who he may end up with was not on his mind much. He had no romanticized idea of how he would lose his virginity. But Alan gave him the perfect first time.
Hearing Alan say he would be his first and last afterwards made him so incredibly happy. At least at the time it did. Now he was wondering if he misheard the man. Maybe Alan had said that night was their first and last time. Because since then Alan had not tried to initiate anything between them. They had sex within seconds after their first kiss so Jeff had thought he may have trouble keeping Alan’s hands off him going forward. And that thought secretly thrilled him.
However, that was not the case. Alan was still affectionate with him but nothing like what they did that night. He still smiled fondly at Jeff. He kept up with the flirty banter. He would hold Jeff’s hand so their bracelets would come together. He would shower Jeff with kisses. Yet as soon as Jeff started to reciprocate Alan would distance himself.
Jeff already had an internal struggle with himself to show affection. He felt almost overwhelmed with his feelings for Alan but when it came to putting them into action he hesitated. So when he did build up the courage it hurt to feel like Alan did not respond well. When Alan slung an arm around Jeff at the shop, Jeff tried to sink a little more into the man enjoying his hold only for him to flinch away. As they laid in bed together one night a simple good night kiss felt like it was going to turn into more. But once Jeff grabbed the edge of Alan’s to pull it up, Alan pulled it back down, said goodnight, and turned away. It got to the point that Jeff could not take it and when he found Alan sitting on the couch he straddled the man’s lap ready to pull him in for a kiss. The older man swore and Jeff saw the pained look on his face. He was gently guided off the man and left on the couch as Alan made a mumbled excuse while leaving.
All this made Jeff wonder if Alan had not enjoyed their night together as much as he did. It may have been Jeff’s first time but he thought it was pretty obvious that Alan was liking it too. But maybe his own happiness blinded him from Alan’s displeasure. Maybe after the afterglow wore off Alan realized it wasn’t that good. Maybe Alan was comparing Jeff to his other flings, ones Jeff had no chance of stacking up to. Alan was a kind man, he probably didn’t want to hurt Jeff’s feelings. It may be hard for him to tell Jeff that he was not satisfied. Maybe him avoiding Jeff’s touch and now his presence all together was Alan’s way of distancing himself from their relationship. To make the blow of him ending things with Jeff easier. No matter what it would be devastating to Jeff.
Jeff sighed and tried to center himself again. His thoughts were spirling to dark places. He did not even know for certain that Alan was purposely avoiding him. Jeff could be over thinking about Alan’s response to him. Alan could have a really good reason why he disappears randomly for a few hours without telling Jeff where he was or what he was doing. That thought almost sent Jeff spirling again so he tried to clear his mind. He did not come here to worry over Alan. He wanted to mindlessly watch other skaters and here he was staring out into nothing, overthinking.
He looked through the window again to see a skateboarder land a difficult trick. Jeff had seen the kid here practicing it for ages so it was nice to see him accomplish it. He turned next to watch a dad bent awkwardly to hold his little daughter's hand as they ungracefully skated around the ring. There was something so sweet about seeing others hold hands. His eyes caught onto a couple doing so. They had both hands clasped together as the woman skated backwards pulling the man along. Then Jeff noticed the man had a silver bracelet with a charm, it reminded him of his own. Something cold settled in him as eyes trailed up the man's long arms that used to wrap around him, to the strong shoulders Jeff’s nails dug into in passion, to the smiling face that used to smile at Jeff. Alan was here smiling, hand in hand with someone else.
The chair he was sitting in loudly scraped across the floor as he stood up. He wanted to rub his eyes and have the image of them together to disappear. He wanted to believe that he had thought so much about Alan that he was hallucinating him. He wanted this to be a dream, a nightmare. He wanted it to be anything other than Alan being with someone else. Because it couldn’t be. Alan wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t lie and he wouldn’t cheat. As Alan’s laugh rang out as he slipped and the woman caught him, Jeff's last hope broke.
He recognized the woman then when she laughed. Her name was Anna, she taught a beginner skating class for kids. He had seen her around a lot so they usually said hi to one another. He always tried to show her respect as she was older than him. She was probably close to Alan’s age. Definitely closer in age to him than Jeff was. That thought stung as well as the fact is he was the one to introduce them to each other.
It was on the day Alan and Jeff got together. Jeff was finding it so cute that Alan was a terrible skater. He looked forward to teaching the man and watching him improve. Or maybe not if it meant he would keep falling into his arms like he did. The first time Alan slipped was as soon as he got onto the skating rink floor. Anna was passing by and with her experience with unbalanced beginners she was able to easily right him. Jeff thanked her and did a quick introduction explaining that Anna was a teacher here and Alan was… Jeff struggled to find the right word to explain who Alan was to him at that time. Anna didn’t seem to question him not finishing the sentence. She took Alan’s thanks for helping him and went on her way. It was such a short interaction that Jeff did not think about it too much. Especially with everything else that happened after that. Had he been too caught up in what was between Alan and him to notice that there was actually something more between Alan and Anna?
Jeff internally cursed at himself for being blind. He cursed at his powers for not showing him that his future with Alan would be betrayal and heartbreak. Jeff wanted to run. He wanted to get back to Alan’s place, pack his things up, and never come back. But Alan was the one to tell Jeff not to run away. So he had to deal with the repercussions of that. Jeff stomped over to them. He called out Alan’s name. It surprised Alan to the point he lost his footing. Seeing that he was about to fall down and not wanting to be brought down with him, Anna let go of his hands. Alan went crashing down. He stared up at the overhead lighting that was blinding him as he laid on the floor wiped out. The light was then blocked out by Jeff’s angry face.
“Hey Jeff, I thought you were spending the day at home.” Alan said awkwardly, still not getting up. He was paralyzed by his embarrassment and the glare Jeff was giving him.
“I thought you had some important matters to attend to.” Jeff repeated the odd phrasing Alan used earlier in the day. He was not good at lying so he twisted his words so they were not technically lies. This was an important matter for Alan.
“Can you give me a hand?” Alan asked, sticking his hand out for Jeff to grab on and help him up. Their couple bracelet fell further down his arm as he left it out stretched. That reminder of them got to Jeff. He nearly crushed Alan’s hand when he got a hold of it and when Alan was halfway up, he let go causing the man to fall back on his ass. Sensing the tense atmosphere, the woman mumbled something about getting back to the rest of the class and skated away from the drama about to unfold.
Alan sensed the tension too and thought best of asking Jeff again for help. He managed to get back to his feet though his left foot slipped forward and his right went back causing him to do an impromptu split. He got up already feeling the sting of that stretch and the many hard falls he took in the past two weeks.
“So I guess my secret is out, huh? Sorry, I didn’t want you to find out that I had to go to an expert.” Alan said, trying to make light of the situation.
Jeff tightened his hands into fists at his side. He struggled to hold onto his anger and focus on it. Yet he couldn’t stop the heartbreak taking over. So it was like that then. Alan wanted someone skilled, not some kid who didn’t know what he was doing.
His mind went back to their night together. How his hands were clumsy as they explored the man's body. His hesitation as they progressed because he did not know what would come next. The embarrassing sounds he made. And worst was remembering how he told Alan he loved him and the man did not say it back. He thought Alan showed how much he loved him back through his touches. But you don’t cheat on someone you love.
The first tear fell from Jeff’s eye and then another.
Seeing the younger man in front of him crumble sent Alan into full panic mode. Jeff was crying. Alan did not fully understand but he needed to fix it. It hurt him so much to see Jeff like that. He gathered Jeff into his arms. Jeff struggled against his hold but was feeling so powerless being in his arms again. Alan pushed past the pain to keep the boy in his hold even as he felt Jeff pushed into his sore side
“Hey, don’t cry! Anna is really good at what she does.” That felt like another stab to Jeff’s heart. He could not stand hearing Alan praise her over him. He pushed against Alan’s chest to break out of his hold but Alan just pulled him in closer.
“She says I am getting better each time we meet up!" That line irritated but also stumped Jeff for a second. Why would Alan be concerned about improving? It was not his performance that was the issue, it was Jeff's. Seeing Jeff’s angry face slip for a moment, Alan kept explaining.
"With a few more classes I should be able to keep up with you. So next time we go skating together you don’t have to spend the whole time babysitting an old man like me.” Alan explained as he risked loosening his hold to wipe the tears from Jeff’s face.
Jeff looked up at the taller man as he took in what Alan meant. The final dots connected as a group of five year olds rolled by.
"Uncle Alan! Why are you standing there? You're missing class." A little girl in pigtails said.
"Uncle Alan, why is your friend crying? Did he fall down and get a booboo like Uncle?" Another one jumped in to say.
"My mommy packed me band aids with butterflies on it if you need some." A girl with a head full of butterfly hair clips offered.
"Thanks girls, but we are okay. Uncle and his boyfriend need to talk so go back to class. Keep working on your spins, they are looking great." Alan sweetly said back to them. The little girls blushed and Jeff heard them squeal over the word boyfriend as they skated away. Honestly he almost did the same.
“You’re here with Anna to learn how to skate... for me?” Jeff asked to clarify if he understood it correctly.
Alan slowly nodded, not understanding why Jeff sounded like this.
“Yeah, I know how much you love to skate. I must have been such a hassle last time. I don't want to hold you back. And you probably don't want to be seen with some old man who cannot stay up right for more than a minute on skates."
“Oh.” It was all that Jeff could say. His dark mood flipped.
“Oh? Why do you sound surprised? Why were you so upset, was there more to it than me not telling you?” Alan asked, confused. Jeff looked down in embarrassment. He felt bad he had assumed the worst of Alan.
“...You were holding her hand." He muttered.
"Were you jealous?" Alan's grin was so smug it nearly split his face. Jeff wasn’t going to dignify that with an answer. He had some pride so instead he crossed his arms, turned his head, and huffed.
“It’s cute that you got so jealous but do you really think I would do that? You have to know I would never hurt you like that, right?” Alan asked as he uncrossed Jeff’s arms to hold his hands.
“Well what was I supposed to think when you kept disappearing without telling me where you're going and I found you here with someone else? You were also being so distant. We haven’t… you know since the first time… So I thought you found someone better. Someone who isn’t an inexperienced kid.” Jeff's voice started off strong as he pointed out that Alan did make himself suspicious. But as he continued to his other point he was still worried about, it grew weak.
“There is no one better! That night was perfect. You were perfect.” Alan quickly refuted the idea.
“Then why haven’t we had sex since then?!” Jeff asked only to be surprised by someone loudly clearing their throat. They looked to see Anna giving them a disapproving look as she led a conga line of children skating past.
“It's not like I haven’t wanted to.” Alan said as his hand trailed up Jeff’s arm suggestively. “I really want to. The thing is I kind of lied earlier. I am not improving that much. I fall at least three times a class. I am all bruised and banged up. It physically hurts to be touched and I couldn’t risk you seeing how black and blue I am so I avoided it.”
Jeff muddled it over in his head. It made sense now that Alan laid it out. Hearing that Alan thought their night together was perfect as well help quell the anger he had. Not completely as he was not letting Alan off the hook for lying to him. And to go to someone else to teach him skating.
“You could have told me you were taking classes. I would have taught you myself.”
“Sorry I just wanted to get good for you. I didn’t want to bother you with this. I didn’t want to be some old man holding you back.” Alan said, mirroring the insecure voice Jeff had used earlier.
“You’re not an old man and you’re not holding me back. I have never seen you like that.” Jeff corrected.
“And I have never seen you as some inexperienced kid. I see you as Jeff. The person I love the most.” Alan said, clearing the last bit of doubt Jeff had. He wrapped his arms around that man and gave him a tight hug. Alan gasped in pain, reminding Jeff he was injured but when he went to pull away Alan hugged him back harder.
“Let’s go home. We can plan another time to come back and have you teach me. Instead, today I can reteach you a few things. You already did so well our first night together but you know what they say. Practice makes perfect.” Alan said into Jeff’s ear, making him shiver.
Feeling shy from his words, Jeff poked Alan’s side where he guessed his bruise was making the man hiss and bend over slightly. That made him the perfect height for Jeff to give him a kiss on his check before rolling him over to return his skates and rush back home together.
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Hello all! Hope you enjoyed this short piece. I started writing this after episode 11 but work, school, and life got in the way of me finishing and posting it. Now that the show is over I am missing it so much. I am going to keep writing fics to fill the whole in my heart. If you are considering doing the same please do so! This fandom needs more works. Happy reading and writing everyone ❤︎