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It was a busy day at the Grand Bazaar. Workers enjoying the performance at Zubayr Theater after a long day of work, children playing a game of catch and families buying food at the food stalls…
"- Harra fruits and .... from Hamawi -"
A common sight in Sumeru City but it still fascinated me. This should be a happy moment and yet... I can't help but feel an aching in my chest. Really? Was it my chest? Not that there was anything except for puppet parts. Is this some kind of malfunction? Can a puppet like me even malfunction?
"- …get the Aji... nuts for -"
My emotions. I never heard of a puppet with emotions before. I didn't understand what it was that I've been feeling. There was nothing to guide me, to help me understand. I was drifting like a leaf in the wind, each gust carrying me to a new unknown…
“Hey, kid, are you even listening?”
“Uh… I’m sorry, boss. Can you repeat that?”
The merchant looked at me with… what was it? Disappointment? Anger?
“Forget it. I’ll take care of it. There’s clearly something on your mind. Did you figure out where you have to go?”
I shook my head. This was the other thing that had been bothering me - a sudden gap in my memory. It was like staring at a blank page. I didn’t know what was ahead of me. Why was I outside in the rain when he found me? Why did I offer to become his helper? Why did it feel like I didn’t belong anywhere?
“Look, if it’s bothering you so much, you could ask the Adventurer’s Guild for help.”
“Ah, thanks…”
“So your payment for today -”
“No no, I couldn’t possibly accept that. Besides, I wasn’t that much help today.”
“Still insisting on that, hm? Well, if you say so.”
“Then… See you tomorrow, boss!”
“Please be careful out there, kiddo.”
He handed me a paper bag of leftover goods - dried Zaytun peaches. I could tell that there was concern in his voice, though I didn’t understand why he should be worried about me. The people of Sumeru are all so friendly. What could go wrong in a place like this? I let that thought float in my mind, as I left the Bazaar and walked through the streets of Sumeru City. Members from the Corps of Thirty were patrolling, reassuring me that there was nothing to worry about.
I reached the outskirts of the city and sat down on a tree stump. It was the perfect place to get some quiet after such a busy day. But looking at the night sky… made me feel sick. I couldn’t explain it. There was this feeling of emptiness again. Just what was I missing? Did I forget something important? A Crimson Finch fluttered towards me, landing right in front of the stump. I put the paper bag on my lap and took out a tiny piece of the dried Zaytun peach. Carefully, as not to startle it, I threw the piece on the ground. Just as expected the bird started picking at it. I threw another piece. The little bird seemed to like it. At least someone was a fan. Personally, I find them way too sweet. This was a nice distraction from my constant pondering. This bird was comfortable enough to get so close to me, no fear whatsoever. And it was free to leave and fly across the seemingly endless sky…
Ah, that sick feeling returned. It was more mental than a physical sensation. Maybe I should get some rest…
***
It was the next day when all my questions would finally get answered. As I was picking up Sunsettias for the merchant, I noticed that I was being followed by a blonde person with a floating white fairy next to them.
“It’s complicated, but I do know you”, they had said.
I had no recollection, but they sounded so serious about it. They knew I was a puppet. That should have been impossible. And yet, they must be telling the truth. If that’s the case… What was our relationship like? Friends? Enemies? Something else? Perhaps they could help me find the thing I’ve been searching for. I decided to follow them, after I delivered the Sunsettias to the merchant. We went to the Sanctuary of Surasthana… Wasn’t that where Lesser Lord Kusanali was? Was this matter so important that the Dendro Archon had to get involved? It was hard to believe.
“Lesser Lord Kusanali. As the God of Wisdom, I trust that everything you told me must be true?”
She told me something about a ‘past incarnation’. Someone who did many bad things. Someone who was missing a heart. Someone who wanted to erase himself from the world. In the end, he achieved nothing and couldn’t change the past. It wasn’t the most flattering existence. And still they reached out to tell me, even though we were enemies…
“Yes, it's all true. I can even show you the memories themselves, if you're willing”, Lesser Lord Kusanali answered.
Yes. I had to know. I had to experience my own transgressions for myself. Kusanali created a dream using my memories and sent the Traveler to accompany me in this dreamscape. Shakkei Pavilion where the Electro Archon left him. Tatarasuna where he lost his friends. Sumeru where The Doctor and the sages conducted their grand scheme of creating a false god. Grief, rage, pain. Attempts to wash off the filth. He really messed up. But I could no longer distance myself from him. If he is me, then I have to reclaim my sins.
“Can you return my memories to me?”
Unbearable pain. His memories, thoughts and emotions filling the emptiness inside of me. His mindset began to overlap with my own. 'Don't you know the stars and the sky are a lie? Don't you know gods aren't worth being worshipped? Don't you know everyone you care about will leave you behind?'
Then it occurred to me. Maybe he didn't believe in anything. Maybe he lost his will to live after learning the truth. Maybe all he wanted was to -
As my own consciousness faded and merged with my 'past incarnation', I thought of him - the Balladeer, Kunikuzushi, Kabukimono… It was dawning at me that he didn't want to destroy, to consume, to possess. He didn't want me. Didn't want anything I was able to offer - a clean slate void of any burden and emotion. He wanted something that couldn't be seen, something so innocent and human.
He wanted to be saved.
Eventually, he became me or perhaps… I became him. I knew that I needed him. But would this ‘I’ cease to exist? I thought that maybe… as long as I can persist in his thoughts, I can still ‘be’. Maybe then I could save him - save us… Or maybe I will disappear completely…
***
He - or ‘Wanderer’ as he called himself now - left the Sanctuary of Surasthana to walk through the streets of Sumeru City. Partially to get a break from Kusanali’s blabber of information, but mostly to let everything that happened today sink in. Despite being a resilient puppet, it was quite a lot to go through all at once. He even got rewarded with a vision. Anemo - the element of freedom. Was this some twisted joke from the gods? It didn’t matter to him, he’ll gladly take this new source of power to satisfy his needs.
Eventually, he found himself at the outskirts of the city. Away from people and their empty chitchat. He sat down on a tree stump and took in the view. Lush green, humid air and a fake sky. Never did he expect to get stuck in a place like this. Just what would Kusanali have in mind for him? At that moment a Crimson Finch approached him, fluttering its little wings in front of him as if expecting something from him. He waved his hand to shoo it away, but instead the bird flew up and landed on his hat. Wanderer sighed. Annoyed that this piece of fowl made itself comfortable up there. And yet, he didn’t hate it.
The thought of dried Zaytun peaches crossed his mind and he shuddered. They were way too sweet for him.