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Jisung stares at the ceiling taking in the blankness. He couldn’t shake the feeling of nothing at all. All the loneliness and stress have gotten to him badly. He’s left feeling like a hollow shell of himself. He can feel the bed under his back it feels like a pit of nothing just swallowing him whole. He wishes he could sleep so maybe his thoughts could go away but he knows sleep couldn’t save him. Even in his sleep, he can still feel dread in his dreams. He sighs and watches as the room lightens up, letting him know the sun is coming up. Sleep will not be meeting him tonight. He holds his breath sitting up on his bed. His room has clothes all over the floor and empty ramen bowls on his side table and desk.
He rubs his face and looks down at himself he’s been wearing the same clothes for the last two weeks. He and His boyfriends have been on a break from their normal schedules. Most of them doing their own thing while he lays here in his bed. He couldn’t shake the feeling of needing to rot and do nothing. He misses them but he can’t pick up his phone knowing he’ll feel nothing but anxiety having it in his hand. He looks away from his body to his phone. He hits the screen and sees that it’s 7:27 a.m. He sees that he has a million messages from his lovers. He ignores them. He gets out of bed and uses the restroom before entering the kitchen. With a sigh, he looks out the big window they have before sitting down and bringing his knees to his chest. The exhaustion and anxiety seem to fill his body like his own blood. Jisung starts to feel his brain get foggy. He feels like he’s not here like he’s not real. He can’t shake that feeling. The sun fully rises and he hasn’t moved he feels like he can’t ground himself like nothing he does will help.
The whole group chat has been trying to get a hold of Jisung. None of them can shake their anxiety. They feel like something may have happened so they came to check on Jisung. When they all walk in they see that their dorm is dirty and that’s when they see Jisung curled up on the floor in front of their big window. He’s wearing the same clothes that they last saw him in. They all feel their heart break a little bit. Felix was the first to move towards Jisung. He could see the rise and fall of his chest with a few shaky steps Felix crouched down next to Jisung. “Ji.” Felix rubs his arm, since Jisung is wearing short sleeves his arm is cold. No noise comes from Jisung. “Ji love. What’s wrong?” Felix’s voice is light and soft but you can hear the shakyness. Chan takes everyone's stuff puts them in their rooms and looks in Jisung's room.
He sees how dirty it is and can’t help but feel bad for leaving him like this but he knows there is nothing he could have done to prevent this. Chan walks back to the group quietly. Felix moves Jisung so his head is on Felix’s lap. Felix plays with Jisung’s hair and watches as his eyes start to get less cloudy. Minho walks over grabs Jisung’s hand and rubs his knuckle. “Take your time love. We will be here waiting for you,” he says softly. They all know sometimes Jisung’s depressive episodes can get bad but none of them are to blame. During these episodes, Jisung can be dirty and very unmotivated and he will stay in bed. Jisung never asks for help but his lovers are always here to help if Jisung lets them. They all know how Jisung helps them and how much he loves helping them. So helping him makes them feel like they are repaying him. Even though they know when Jisung pulls through this he’ll feel guilty.
By the time Jisung came out of his dissociated state the living room and his bedroom had been cleaned and Hyunjin and Jeogin were working on the kitchen. Chan and Seungmin working on laundry and Changbin was set on trash duty. Minho and Felix sit there holding Jisung quietly walking to themselves. Jisung watches as Minho laughs softly at something Felix says. “I love your laugh,” Jisung says quietly. “Hello, love.” Minho smiles down at him and kisses the back of his hand. Jisung smiles softly. “Want to sit up?” Felix ask. Jisung nods and they both help him sit up. The blood rushes to his head making him feel dizzy. Jisung lays his head on Felix’s shoulder. “Do you want to take a shower?” Minho asks softly. Jisung sighs knowing he needs one. “We can all cuddle after.”
Felix smiles. “We can order takeout. Make Chan and Changbin bring out their beds so we can all cuddle. You can be in the middle.” Jisung smiles listening to this. He would love that. He nods. “Yeah, I would love that. Can we watch Howl’s Moving Castle?” He hears most of his lovers laugh. “Of course our beautiful prince.” Felix kisses his head as he helps him stand up. Jisung goes to shower while the others get ready for their night with their lover. Once Jisung is out everything is set up for him and they are waiting for him. He makes his rounds to kiss his boyfriends as an apology for worrying them and settles down in between Chan and Seungmin. They feed him as the movie plays. Jisung feels okay, he knows right now he’s in the moment but that's okay. One day at a time and he’ll feel like himself eventfully. But for now, This night with all of his boyfriends and their love is all he needs. Tomorrow he’ll book an appointment and talk to his therapist.