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What's there left to say, now that it’s over?
All over and done with.
Dead but yet…. not yet buried.
I clench my fist and am instantly swamped with an embombing of warming memory.
The bitter Sweden air no longer as vicious. However, the recalling sensory makes the coldness a vindictive reminder that the heat is only a mere lackluster phantom to the real, solid, figure, it once belonged to.
That late spring day and the one before that….
Grossly, I couldn’t imagine them being the worst days of my life. While one was the funeral and the other was the wake to the greatest love I will ever know and have… to have the pleasure of knowing and holding, consuming, and cherishing. The tremendous privilege that was taken and the gruesome slashing of my innocent, now bloodily tainted, soul and heart…. I can’t stomach the word vomit, a piercing anchor at the bottom of my deep sea abdomen, to call those imprinted chunks of my lost time of life as anything but simply, bittersweet .
I don’t regret him.
I could never.
I’m only left hollow by him.
The metaphorical organ that holds every beat for him…..
My purity of exploration from youthful wants, to go beyond the imagination that comes from trashy TV, big screen lies, and poetic romantic literature…..The yearning that’s made magically from all the songs with live, sing, and write…
Sensations of tingling numbness. The ghosted finger pale prints that scaled all my ridges and tan frame. The roads he discovered and mapped before anyone else could get the chance. Rooting and finding homes in my scalped curly dark forest and the way he whispered all his devotion into there, writing stories in my skin, within the deeps of my dna, everywhere he traveled and I willingly allowed him to go.
I was his and he was mine….
How I will never get that first time back and how if I got one single wish, it would be to have our first time all over again. To beg for an us again. To take it all back. To offer flesh to some god for the blessing of our love to just be. To be protected and unshakable. To be free.
Free to be an us….
To have him once again in my arms.
To kiss.
To sing to….
To hear him speak words now lost to this farce.
I miss him.
His smile and the creases the high corners would make, with those perfectly crafted blossoms of pink. Lips that I mourn and wish and dream for and
love.
The way he says my name like no one could ever dare to try to replicate….
Simon!
Crisp, refreshingly cold, lake water….. and harmonized, childlike, laughter bouncing over sunset silky ripples, created by the movement of our floating bodies. Smooth as glass that has been roughed by a strong, everlasting, current.
I remember it as I can relive it now….
The frantic removal of white dress shirts and our dark uniform bottoms. Glossed black shoes flung into the brushes and mudded, soaked, socks discarded just as sloppy on the mushed shore. The kicking of running into the not-to-surprisingly biting lake and the toppling of completely submerging into the water's unwelcoming embrace.
He’s stupid idea that I now hold close to my heart.
In hindsight, despite the fun we had before the trainwreck afterward….
The laying in peaceful consistest of watercolor, when he held me ever so tightly I felt weightless in his embrace, to the splashing and trying to sink the other to the bottom….
And the exhausted tread to the picnic date he had carefully designed for us.
The food long eaten leaving only the blanket to protect our drenched bodies from the end-of-day spring cold and dirt beyond the cloth barrier.
The lake was an unforeseen metaphor for the breakdown he was about to have.
His princely gelled hair was cleansed and reminiscent of the boy I had met all those months ago in the fall. Beep brown’s laid heavy onto me with complete adoration and up to this point I didn’t know where our relationship stood. If we were okay or on the verge of another total collapse. I couldn’t breathe without double checking if it would somehow be a misstep towards us. He was angry a lot at this time and I could never seem to get him to relax.
This push and not pulling was hard to get a proper grasp on and once I thought I had it I’d be whiplashed into losing my grip on it all.
I felt like a bad boyfriend that wasn’t capable of keeping him afloat. That just by existing I was causing him so many problems. That maybe we should just…..
Just…..
But no!
I didn’t want that!
I didn’t want to loose what we’ve sacrificed so much for!
Finally! Finally, we could be together. We stood together in this relationship and I-
I knew we could never break.
That we the endgame.
We….
We were supposed to be the endgame….
We….
Tears had fallen from him and he hadn’t even said a word.
He had simply been looking at me.
Memorizing me.
Focused primarily on me.
As was I to him.
God, he was beautiful in this golden light and the tears reflected the sun rays as they fell.
Simon…
He strangled my name and his eyes winced then his body shook.
Simon, I can’t do it anymore….
I was in shock at first then it all started to set missing puzzle pieces into place.
All our fights…. All his indifence… All his frustration…
I-I’ve been trying so hard to hide it from you….
He was suffering.
He was crawling at the walls inside him and I…..
I missed all the signs…
Simon….
He was bleeding and was hiding it not so well.
Droplets pooled on my bottom lids with a peeking smile because despite my heart squeezing to the point of popping, I’m proud of him.
I’m happy to finally see him open up to me.
For him to be free of this heavyweight.
To feel comfortable enough to hand off to me.
Jag älskar dig….
He loves me and I love him.
He held me as I held him in our final goodbye.
“Jag älskar dig.”
I whispered into his coat.
The day he left.
Left me behind.
The school. His friends. His last ounces of freedom. Of his teenage years….
I can’t ask you to stay.
You could and I would.
I know you won’t be happy here.
I could and I would.
I can’t let him be king, Simon. I know the monarchy is something you hate but…. This, this is my legacy, my family, my country, and my people. My home. My flag. All passed down to my mamma, to Erik, and now to me. It’s daunting but he doesn’t deserve the crown. He will only destroy all that I love and hold dear. That I now recognize as something of my own that needs to be protected and nurtured. He will continue to be what is wrong with the monarchy. And… you, min hjärta, taught me that change can be remarkable, beautiful, and good. That traditions are meant to be broken and reformed for the better. You taught me so, so, so much, and I will forever be grateful to you, indebted to you and your gracious selflessness. It’s time I repay you for all your kindness.
He kissed my hands and suddenly all the Wille I remembered was lost in that last charming smile of farewell.
He-
He left that boy behind at Hillerska.
He left that boy behind in the orange-red knitted sweater under my pillow.
He left that boy in length amber strands long cut and discarded.
He left that boy when his cousin exploited him and me to the world.
He left that boy behind when his brother died….
He-
He left that boy behind with me.
In that warm hug of goodbye.
I unclench my hand and scold myself every time for doing so.
For letting him go and not following after him.
I’ll do better. I’ll change the monarchy for the better. I can’t wait for you to see it all.
You and Erik…..
Malin opened the door to the sleek black car and before he settled inside, turned to me one last time, as he would never do it again.
“I hope you have a good life, Simon.”
And he was gone.
Wille.
Don’t go.
Wille.
Stop.
Wille.
Wait.
Wille
Vänta! Vänta!
Wilhelm.
Wilhelm was officially regent making the royal life look easy and flawless in every photograph and news broadcast. He was always presented as sharp as a knife and orderly. Nothing was ever out of place and he looked completely capable and ready at any breath to become the king of Sweden.
Simon was officially graduated from The Royal Music Academy and had to stop himself from gawking when Wilhelm personally made an appearance to congratulate his class. Him or his team had come up with some bullshit excuse as to why he was there and not just there to nod to my achievement of being the top soloist of my class.
However, the media was quick over the years to turn our relationship from teenage lovers to adult friends….So seeing us interact out in public wasn’t out of the ordinary but was very slim. After the rock that went through my window when we were at Hillerska, Wille took me and my family's security deadly seriously. I still have personal security watching my back and my mom back at home. They keep their distance for the most part as to provide me with a more sense of freedom and privacy in my day-to-day life.
I sometimes wonder if Wille keeps tabs on me through the security….
When I'm daydreaming of that boy wonder coming back to get me.
I’d never fall out of love with him and I know he still longs for me.
No woman or man has graced his side as a permanent fixture.
Felice was in and out of the news with the title of queen attached to her name by occasion but nothing official or remarkable was ever shown in paparazzi pictures to make me believe that she was anything more but a very good friend to Wille.
A part of me hopes he sees me waiting.
Especially when he calls me and I answer.
The times over the years, I dropped everything or anything to jump in a blacked-out car and raced to the palace to hold him through a sudden panic attack.
We never, could never, not love each other.
Thats impossible.
I ask for him.
The regent of Sweden.
The future king of Sweden.
And he’s there. Always there for me.
Always.
Always bonded by love.
I tried giving my love away.
I really did.
And I was only ever left feeling guilty.
I made love with others.
And I was only left starving for him.
Everytime….
Without asking….
I came by just to crawl into his bed and without asking, he held me.
Held me all night.
We didn’t speak much.
Talking would hurt way too much.
This is better for us.
The silence.
Communication was never our strongest suit.
This was safer.
Easier.
Bet-
Lukewarmth runs gracefully down tan cheek.
“It’d be better for you-” He hiccups and more tears fall from Wille’s clenching face. His body convulsing against the blasphemous words exiting out of him. “I can protect you better this way. Your mamma and sister will be safe. You’ll get to live a better life without me around to ruin it.” He cries and Simon can only lay there and watch his boyfriend, the love of his life, fall apart and speak his peace.
“I can’t condemn you to my shitty life. My problems. I can’t-”
“Wille…” Simon softly interrupts and Wille blinks through the wet blurriness to see a smile peak out in the gold haze of day become night. His chest constricts at Simon’s own tears and hates that he has to do this, that he has done this to him, the person he loves more than anything in this entire world.
“Thank you…. Thank you for finally opening up to me.”
Wille’s breath constricts when Simon’s soft warm hand brushes his chilled cheek. Their deep brown souls locked to each other for leaning comfort.
“I’m sorry you’ve been holding on to these burdens for so long, all by yourself, Wille. I am so proud of you, mi amor….” *Simon soothes his hand from Wille’s cheek to his racing heart and leans closer to him. “But I really need you to listen to me. Can you do that for me?”
Wille takes a shuttering breath to try and collect himself. He nods slowly and Simon kindly smiles back in fonding approval.
“I love you. Love you so much, Wilhelm. That sometimes it hurts to love you. But-” Simon swallows and softly rubs his hand over Wille’s rushing heart. “But is it even love if it doesn’t hurt sometimes? Is it even love if you're not willing to fight for it? To scared and yet still standing to protect it, to keep it?”
“Wille, you’re the love of my life. My soulmate and I promise there will never be another if you walk away from me, from us. Because there’ll only ever be you in my heart. I decided at the jubilee one thing that day, that I love you and that I’m not going to let anything take you away from me. Not August, not the royal court, not your mamma, and especially not assholes out there in the world against us”
“We, are we, not them.”
Wille shakes his head, “Simon… Please …. I can’t guarantee your happiness at my side.”
Then it’s time for Simon to shake his head, “You letting me be at your side, guarantees me all the happiness in the world. Because that’s what you are to me, my world.”
“It will be tough at times, I know that. Hell, it’s been terrible so far!” Simon honestly tells his love and shrugs it off to continue on with his truth, “But despite the shit, we’ve gotten to have moments like these…”
The tan hand wanders down and grabs the lonely pale hand to intertwine their digits together. “There are good and bad parts in any relationship and I’m willing to deal with it all as long as you’re willing to have me.”
The crown prince brings their locked hands to his lips and places several kisses Simon’s tan skin with a closed-eyed nodding of his head. Simon kisses the other side of their linked hands as well and pulls back to look at Wille as he is now staring hopelessly in love at him. The golden sunlight a reminder of bad breath and of a giggling conversation after their first night together.
“Even if you weren’t a royal pain in my ass, the world was going to suck for us anyways. But together it will suck a litte less.” Simon smirks and Wille rolls his red eyes with a sniff.
“You’re lucky I love you.” He remarks and Simon unlatches their hands to forcefully take and pull Wille’s now surprised face towards his own. “You’re lucky I’m not cussing you up and down in Spanish for that stunt of trying to break up with me! You better not make any decision without consulting me first, especially one that drastic! You hear me!” Simon half faked scolded and Wille brushed the tip of cold nose against his. “I promise….” His drenched heated browns half-lid to stare down at Simon’s rosey lips,
“Can I kiss you?”
The prince asks his soulmate and Simon rubs his nose back.
“I don’t know, can you-”
“Co’mere.”
Wille sunk his hand into the back of Simon’s wet curls and pulled him in for the warmest kiss they had ever shared together….
And they’ll have many more to come in the future…..