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Charlotte POV
I watched as Jamie walked out of our apartment. Well, to be more precise he stormed out; or at least the Jamie Watson version of storming out. He brushed past me, grabbed his coat and walked out the door without even taking the time to put it on (which was a testament to how upset he was given that it was currently raining substantially hard). While I can’t say he slammed the door he closed it with more force than was strictly necessary, and it seemed to shut with more finality than it usually did; like when he would come home from work, weary and tired only for his face to light up when he saw me. Or when he would try to sneak in when he thought I was asleep and he would close the door so gently that I wouldn’t even hear it, only knowing that he was there by the creak of the hinges and his soft yet still discernible footfalls.
Though his departure wasn’t entirely unexpected I found that it had a larger impact than I had imagined it would. I had imagined Jamie leaving many times, I had even told him as much on several occasions. But in those moments when I could no longer keep the worst of my thoughts at bay and I did imagine him finally having enough and leaving I never took the time to consider the nebulous state that it left me in. In my thoughts of being abandoned I had always thought that it would be obvious he was never coming back. I imagined him slamming the door on his way out, after which I would stand shocked for a moment before crumbling to the ground and crying. Then I would stay there for hours not caring enough to move. In such times that I imagined further on and thought about actually trying to live my life without him I envisioned a drab world that was without any sense of joy. A bit dramatic perhaps but I honestly couldn’t see myself enjoying life as much without him.
Currently it had been approximately 20 minutes since Jamie had left and my thoughts were beginning to spiral. Surely he had just left to get some air, surely he would return in an hour or two at the most. I hadn’t finally ruined the best part of my life… had I?
No… no! There was absolutely no way that things were over between us. After all, he had already endured the worst parts of me… he had seen pieces of me that I had never shown anybody; and instead of running screaming he had accepted me as I am: a woman who had been through much more in her life than one could be expected to bear. And anyway we’d had arguments in the past, this was by no means uncharted territory for us.
But that wasn’t really true was it? Certainly we’d quarreled in the past, there have been several instances when he’d even left similarly to how he had just a short while ago. This current scenario, however, differed from those past occurrences in two primary ways; firstly was the subdued nature of his exit. While I would say it is not in Jamie’s nature to become loud or violent when angered, for him to leave without saying a word, simply taking his coat and absconding, is completely out of the ordinary. In such times that our disagreements caused us to separate he had always made sure to get in the last word. Whether that be his declaration that I had never known what real love looked like in Sussex, or his demanding that I leave my own room in Berlin. This cold and detached departure that he had just executed however, left me in a far worse state than if he had raged at me.
The second way in which this current situation was different from any that had previously occurred was our current ages. Indeed we had separated in the past, but that had only been when we were still in high school (the only exception being when I had left him in order to travel and better figure out what to do with my life, though our parting that time had been with tears in our eyes rather than with shouts ringing from our lips). Now with us well into our mid-twenties we had not found ourselves in any situation that caused us to divide. That is, until now.
The argument that incited this whole affair had been a short one; however it was unrivaled in terms of ferocity. I had come at him claws out and teeth bared. He had responded in kind, and things had quickly deteriorated. I supposed that in truth I had been raring for a fight, simply looking for an excuse to start a screaming match. Not my proudest moment in the least, but the more time that passed the more absurd I felt for having done it.
Looking at the time it had now been about an hour since Jamie had left. My mind was beginning to lead me down terrible lines of thought each of which ended worse than the last. Just as I began to fill with dread at the thought of never seeing Watson again he walked through the door.
Given my current state it really isn’t surprising that I didn’t hear him coming, by the time the handle was turned and the door was swinging open I was envisioning my life of solitude and regret that I would undoubtedly be forever resigned to without my Watson. Though I’m certain that I could live without Watson I am quite certain that my life would be better in every way I could fathom if he was with me. I would have to make things right. There was no alternative. Just my conceptualization of existence without Jamie had made me willing to do just about anything to right the situation I had made.
After resolving myself to reconciling with Jamie I started to take in the information from his appearance and his mannerisms that I would normally catalog when he first arrived. He had opened the door and locked eyes with me, then after a few moments of just staring he had come in and closed the door. He now stood staring at me from just inside our apartment. His coat was damp with rain water and his cheeks were flushed from the cold. It seemed he had spent the entire hour that he was gone outside. Given the state of his coat, his cheeks and the fact that his hair was completely soaked, I concluded that he had most likely just wandered the streets. When the weather was better it wasn’t uncommon for us to get around on foot, so it made sense that Jamie would just walk around if he was really just trying to cool off.
“Have you been standing there the entire time?”
His question pulled me from my thoughts and dunked me into the ice cold reality of this moment. All at once I realized that between Jamie leaving and his return I had not moved a muscle, I hadn’t even looked away from the door. I had spent the entire hour so lost in thought that I hadn’t even noticed that I was starting to feel a dull ache in my legs, the kind that warned of much worse pain if you didn’t rest your muscles. However I paid it no mind because of the way he had spoken. His voice was surprised but his eyes seemed to hold some level of guilt. Why he should feel guilty for my own absent-mindedness I wasn’t sure.
It dawned on me that I had not responded to his question yet, in lieu of staring at him. I quickly responded, “It seems I have been. Standing here that is.”
When he heard my words his face contorted with guilt. He took a few steps toward me but there was still about six feet separating us. He seemed to be holding himself back from coming any closer. If he needed that much room between us then things between us then things may have really been irreparable. Just as I was about to launch into an impromptu speech about how I needed him in my life he looked me in the eye and said in a guilty tone of voice, “I’m sorry”.
I was so surprised at this turn of events that all I could do was stand there and stare at him. I had been agonizing about when or even if he would return, and now that he was back he had said the single most unexpected thing he could have. I knew that I had to respond and I hoped to do so more expediently this time so I forced myself to speak. Unfortunately all that I managed to say was, “Pardon?”.
It seemed he wasn’t expecting me to say that anymore than I was expecting him to apologize. He looked even more taken aback than I had felt. He blinked a few times before repeating, “I’m sorry”.
His repetition of the words he had just spoken did not allow me any clarity to what he was speaking of. All I could think to say to him was, “Why are you apologizing? Shouldn’t I be the one who says they’re sorry?”.
Saying this caused Watson to move towards me as if he were going to embrace me, only to stop himself short. It seemed like it took a lot of his willpower to stop himself from coming closer to me. It dawned on me that this space he had left between us was probably meant to be for my benefit; as though I would have some reason to want him to stay away from me. I was overcome with joy at the prospect that he did not want to keep me at arms length, only to be immediately bewildered. Why would Watson think that I had any reason not to be near him?
His face softened as he said, “You were worried that I wouldn’t come back, weren’t you?”.
I was startled at how quickly and accurately Watson had gotten right into my head and read exactly what I was thinking. Although, given how often he had done that in the past it really should not have surprised me. Taking his uncanny ability to read me in stride I responded, “Yes I was… I know I should have more faith in you, but-“.
“I understand. I know why you thought that; I know what happened in your past to make you worry about those kinds of things… I’m so sorry that my actions caused you to believe I wouldn’t come back. If I had known what my leaving had done to you I would have come right back. Aren’t your legs tired?”
“A bit…”, I answered. I was beginning to be overwhelmed with how much I loved and adored Jamie Watson. Here he was apologizing to me after I had said enough awful things to him to make him wander for an hour in the rain. In that moment there was nothing I wouldn’t have done for him, that beautiful, amazing man. I had to make things right between us, I had to apologize and make him see that I would do anything for him.
Before he could say anything else I began my pleading with him. “You’re too good for me Watson. I yell at you until you leave, only for you to return and apologize for worrying me. You truly are the best person I have ever had the good fortune to meet. I need to apologize to you, earlier I picked a fight with you. I wish I could say that I had some great reason for doing so, some kind of major cause that could justify ripping into you tooth and nail. The truth is I was just raring for a fight. I suppose the reality of my relationships with most of my family members and the trauma I have experienced in my life have made me the kind of person who occasionally needs to scream at someone. That’s not what you deserve…”. I was beginning to tear up. My voice was thick when I said, “You deserve so much more than I can ever offer you, but I will give you all that I have. I will always try to be better, to be someone who deserves you… I doubt I will ever succeed, but I swear to you that if you give me another chance-“.
Seemingly unable to listen to any more, Watson rushed forward and took me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around him and put my face in the crook of his neck while he held me tight against his body. The water on his jacket was getting on me but I didn’t care in the least. All that mattered was that Jamie was holding me; that my Watson was holding me. In that moment I knew that no matter what happened or where I went that this man would always be my home.
He began stroking my back as he said with in the most gentle tone I had ever heard, “You’re wrong Charlotte, you are more than I could ever deserve. You are everything that I have ever wanted. Everyone has times when they pick fights, when they hurt the people they love the most. Nothing could ever change the fact that I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else. Besides, it takes two to have an argument. I’m just as much at fault for the way things played out”.
He pulled back just enough that I could see his face, his eyes were glistening with unshed tears. By this point I was crying, so he reached forward and wiped away my tears with more love and tenderness than I could ever be worthy of. As he wiped the tears from my face he said in a delicate tone, “I want you to know that I will never leave you. I may need space when things get bad, but I will always come back. As long as you will have me I will never abandon you”.
At that I put my face to his chest and held on to him with all I had. I was finding it harder and harder to speak but I needed him to know how I felt. After a moment I finally managed to say, “I will always have you. There will never come a day when I do not desire every part of you”.
I could tell that he was crying now from his sniffling. Briefly I wondered if I had taken to crying because of his influence or if I had always been a crier and had just never allowed myself to feel such deep emotion that would cause crying before I met him. In the end it didn’t matter. For as long as we were on this Earth, Watson and I would be together.
As Watson led me to our bedroom and we fell into bed just holding each other, I felt a new sense of hope for the future. I was sure this wasn’t the last time we would fight. It was inevitable for any couple, especially us. But I was certain that no matter what we fought over, no matter who started it, no matter what was said, we would always be together. I was never going to give up on Watson, and now I was more sure than ever that he would never give up on me. As I relaxed into the peaceful sleep that was taking over my consciousness I put my ear over Watson’s chest and listened to his steady heartbeat. The last thought I had before finally succumbing to unconsciousness was how it was a bit ironic that I should be so comforted by listening to Watson’s heart, when I had given my heart over to him completely.