Chapter Text
He didn’t realize how much he wanted him until he had lost his chance. Howie never really dated anyone so Nick never thought to worry. Howie was always there when Nick needed him and it never occurred to Nick that Howie might one day find someone else to be with. And anyway, Howie always claimed he was “too busy” to date anyone.
Nick planned on telling Howie his feelings before they went on break a few weeks ago, but couldn’t bring himself to do it. He thought that telling him before their two week break would give Howie time to think it over before they were forced to practically live out of each other’s pockets on the tour bus. But Nick didn’t say anything and by some horrible twist of fate, Howie returned from break with a somewhat significant other.
“Have you met Howie’s new girlfriend? She seems pretty nice. Great ass, too,” AJ teased while nudging Howie.
“Amber is not my girlfriend,” Howie blushed, “We’ve just hung out a couple of times.”
“Yeah, hung out and made out. Don’t think you can play that innocent, Sweet Howie D card with me. I know better,” AJ smirked, clearly enjoying tormenting Howie.
Howie’s shy blush was quickly replaced with a grin, “Ok, so we’ve made out.” The grin turned into a smirk to match AJ’s, “and she does have a great ass.”
AJ threw his head back with laughter as he gave Howie a playful punch on the shoulder. “That’s my boy!”
Brian also laughed while Kevin tried not to smile as he pretended to be annoyed and rolled his eyes.
Nick wasn’t listening anymore. The mere mention of Howie having a girlfriend hit him in the gut and suddenly feelings of jealousy Nick didn’t even know he had came bubbling to the surface. He hoped none of the guys could hear how fast his heart was pounding, because the sound nearly deafened him.
***
Nick tried to act normal over the next few days, but it proved to be difficult. Every time Howie’s phone rang, his face lit up and he would walk into another room for some privacy. Nick could hear Howie giggling and whispering and it made that anxious feeling rise to the surface of Nick’s chest. It was like having a severe urge to cry or laugh or scream tightly boxed up and stuck in his chest with no way to let it out.
Anytime Howie mentioned Amber, Nick immediately went into distress-mode and would either pretend he was busy doing something or make an excuse to leave the room. The other guys noticed Nick’s strange behavior but dismissed it as Nick still getting in the groove of being on the road again.
Over the next few days Nick interacted with the other guys as little as possible, and when he did he snapped at whoever happened to be in the way. Nick felt like crying, but having no privacy on the bus, he mostly stayed in his bunk and imagined how things might have been different if he had just told Howie how he felt.
Would Howie have said yes? Or would he just smile that sad Howie D smile and let Nick down gently? Nick thought he might never know. He’d lost his chance.
***
One morning Howie decided to make breakfast for the guys. He was usually the first one up and days he felt particularly rested he would treat the guys to something besides cold cereal.
Nick woke to the smell of waffles and shuffled into the bus’ cramped kitchen.
“Morning, Nick,” Howie offered a smile.
Nick grunted a reply. He wasn’t especially fond of mornings. Especially mornings after dreaming about snuggling up with Howie and then waking up to reality.
Nick sat down and watched Howie make enough food to last a week. He imagined not for the first time how this might have been his life—waking up to Howie making breakfast for just the two of them, watching Howie’s tight muscles move beneath loose pajamas as Nick stood behind him and wrapped his arms around the small, but strong frame, nuzzling Howie’s soft hair…
Nick came back to reality when Howie planted a stack of waffles and scrambled eggs in front of him.
“Thanks, man, this looks great.” Nick picked up his fork and dug in.
“Of course, my friend,” Howie smiled. He was way too happy in the mornings, Nick thought. “I was talking to Amber and she suggested adding some lemon zest to give it…”
Before Howie could finish, Nick pushed back his chair and ran to lock himself in the bathroom.
A moment later Howie knocked, “Nicky? You ok?”
“Fine. Just using the bathroom. Be right out.” Nick splashed water on his face and waited until his heart stopped racing.
He looked at himself in the mirror. “Get your shit together,” he whispered. If Nick kept acting this way, Howie might get his feelings hurt or begin to suspect something.
By the time he opened the door AJ and Brian had wandered into the kitchen and started eating. Grateful to have a buffer between him and Howie, Nick sat down without a word and poked at his food. Across the table Howie watched him intently. There was a hint of questioning and sadness in those brown eyes, but Nick refused to meet them. He finished his food and went back to his bunk.
***
Over the years, Nick and Howie had grown very close. They were the only two who didn’t have a whole lot of “other people” outside the Boys. As far as Nick was concerned, the Boys were his people. Kevin, Brian, AJ, and Howie quickly came to expect Nick to stay with one of them during their breaks, and if Nick wasn’t staying with them he was calling them nearly every day to chat about nothing and everything. Nick rarely stayed in his own place, lately opting for Howie’s, and AJ teased that someone had probably broken in to Nick’s abandoned house and started living there.
“Someone might as well use it,” Nick shrugged.
Staying at Howie’s felt like home more so than the other guys’ places. The two could talk all night on nearly every subject or go for hours without saying a word.
At night they had their routine where Nick would pick a movie while Howie made a snack (usually popcorn, but sometimes something more creative like chips and salsa with homemade guacamole). They would make it about halfway through the film before Howie started nodding off and would fall asleep against Nick’s shoulder, softly snoring. Nick would put his arm around the smaller man and snuggle him closer. Whenever Nick laughed, Howie would bounce against Nick's chest which only made Nick laugh harder. Nick would play with Howie’s new long hair and catch whiffs of his vanilla scented shampoo. Nick lived for those moments.
One of the best moments, which also happened to be the moment he realized he was in love with Howie, started like most other evenings. Only this time included alcohol. It was Caroline’s birthday and Howie had been pretty down that morning. Nick thought he would try to cheer Howie up by having a mini birthday party for her. He purchased beer, pizza, balloons, and a cake and when Howie saw what Nick had bought he burrowed his face in Nick’s chest and hugged him so tight he could barely breath.
“Thanks for doing this, Nick. She would have loved it.”
“Sure, man. She’s your sister and you love her. She deserves it and she wants you to be happy.” The guys never talked about Caroline in the past tense. They couldn’t. “And I want you to be happy.”
Howie smiled, “I’ll drink to that!”
Their beer cans clinked and were quickly replaced with new ones. Nick let Howie pick the movie this time. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, of course.
“This movie is so weird.”
Howie turned to face Nick, whose face scrunched at the bizarreness of Violet turning violet. Howie giggled. Howie felt slightly buzzed.
“But it’s so fun! Wouldn’t it be awesome to go to a chocolate factory?”
“Not really. Everything goes wrong there. And the chocolate doesn’t even look that good.”
“Oh you’re no fun,” Howie frowned at his own statement, suddenly becoming serious. “Actually, no, you’re lots of fun.”
Nick tilted his head to face Howie.
“Thanks so much for doing this. You have no idea how much it means to me—how much you mean to me.”
“Of course, D. I just wanted to see you happy. I know this time of year isn’t easy for you.”
“No…but I’m glad you’re here, Nicky. We always have a good time. You do make me happy.”
Nick didn’t know if it was the alcohol or not, but his head was suddenly swimming and he had a sudden urge to get closer to Howie. A rush of emotions swept over him and the buzz he had going made his whole body tingle. He couldn’t help but look into Howie’s dark brown eyes staring back at him.
Nick searched Howie’s face for any sign that he should stop as he slowly leaned in and kissed him softly on the lips. The kiss only lasted a few seconds, but Nick’s heart pounded as he pulled away, the feeling of Howie's soft lips lingering on his own. Howie, who had closed his eyes, slowly opened them to stare back at Nick.
“Sorry,” Nick breathed and looked down, away from Howie’s searching eyes.
“Don’t be sorry,” Howie inched closer. “It was nice.” And he quickly kissed Nick’s lips, cheek, and brow before looking into his eyes once more and then settling into Nick’s side.
A few minutes passed. “I love you, Nicky.”
Nick suddenly felt very sober as he put his arm around Howie and held him close. “I love you, too. More than you could ever know,” he whispered into Howie’s hair.
Howie wrapped an arm around Nick’s waist and played with the hem of his shirt. Nick's skin tingled when Howie's fingers ghosted across his bare skin. Nick wasn’t sure if Howie completely understood that his “I love you” admission went beyond their regular “I love you, buddy” banter, but right now that was ok. In that moment, Nick was content to hold Howie as he began to snore into his chest.
And now he might never have one of those moments again, Nick thought.