Chapter Text
If you need to be mean, be mean to me.
It was around 15 minutes past the hour, Ocelot had called Kaz to his quarters for a personal meeting. He had begun to speak about the boss, how his plans were a lot more diferent to what Kaz had originally believed.
His big boss wasn't big boss.
As Ocelot explained his words were like Venom, ironic due to the fact they were talking about Snake. Kaz watched Ocelot speak through his aviators, unable to tear apart the situation. Boss had left, or at least the real big boss had. Kaz was beyond distraught, he had been lied to. His dearest friend and a true comrade had lied to him. If he were to speak his words couldn't be able to be formed, V was left with them to substitute for the real big boss. Ocelot said that he had been given memories, had surgery (to change his look and to surgically blind him), and had been manipulated into believing that he was truly was the big boss. 'the man who sold the world' or whatever he said. In time Ocelot's words just started to murge together in Kaz's head. It was all becoming a blur.
He wanted to be angry at V but he just couldn't, he was just sour. He had built a new connection and relationship with this version of big boss, he had put so much trust and effort into him that it was easier said than done to pull away and distance himself. As Ocelot once said about Quiet, 'She is in love with the legend' and Kaz was in the exact same situation although he was afraid to admit that infront of an audience - although he respected Ocelot to admitting to it. He was torn over his own thoughts, at war with himself. He was able to love V in a way that he could never share with big boss, and he was able to see that now.
They spoke about his, Big boss's, plans, how he was posing as his previous comrade - how he had left to start a 'nation'. Kaz grimaced, "If the boss has some plan.. what is it?" his voice low, compltely juxtaposing Ocelot's stern accent. "The real Big boss is working seperately from us, to create his new nation." Ocelot wasted no time finding his words, this only irritated Kaz more. "..New nation?" he murmured, his clouded eyes avoiding eye contact with Ocelot as they sat in his office. He continued to explain, talking about this new "Outer heaven" and his sons. "But until it's complete, we support the other Big boss." Kaz sunk into his seat, his hands tightening onto his crutch. "That, is Big boss's plan." Ocelot finished. Silence filled his office, Kaz was searching through his mind to attempt to find words. His eyes shifted across Ocelot's desk to finally meet his eyes. Kaz grimaced, biting his tongue.
"So that's the way it is?" he finally spoke, his voice still low and scratchy. From Ocelot's perspective it was as if he was actively biting back tears. He had spent so many years with Big boss, he had helped Kaz in so many ways, a lot more ways than anyone could understand. "... Nine years ago, I thought everything had been taken from me." Kaz hung onto his words, prolonging 'everything'. His eyebrows began to furrow, his jaw clenched. "but now.. I really have lost it all." his voice became wobbly. Kaz wasn't prepared for this conversation, he could hardly get over Big boss leaving him without saying anything - let alone being left with someone who wasn't his Big boss.
His everything was Big boss, "The boss, and the future we were building together." Kaz had been able to regain his voice. Ocelot followed on, speaking of his sons and how they each had roles to play. Something had shifted in Kaz's opinion on Big boss, "No.. Big boss can go to hell." he grumbled. Even if he were to come back, Kaz couldn't bring himself to forgive him. He had neglected everything they were building together. Their conversation dragged on, Ocelot dumping information while Kaz listened. He had no energy to fight nor to go against his word.
"I'll make the phantom and his sons stronger, to send him there.. For that, I'll keep playing my role." His voice was no longer wobbly, but now mirroring Ocelot's slight growl. Kaz had an issue with referring to V as Big boss's 'phantom'. However he couldn't let Ocelot see him this way, he'd dread to think his comrades view him as weak - especially due to his state right now. A lack of limbs is enough of a burden, means he couldn't help boss on his missions.
After talking Ocelot gave him a nod before Kaz had stood up, leaning on his clutch as he moved towards the door. He pulled the latch, pulling the door towards him as he stepped through. Letting it slam shut behind him. Ocelot had told him that they each had roles to play, Kaz had agreed to these terms - readying himself for the fact that one day he and Ocelot may become enemies.
He stood still in the hallway, his gloved hand wrapped messily over his clutch. He moved his lips into a thin line, his eyes squeezed shut. Angry tears began to well up. He cursed under his breath before adjusting his glasses and moving through the platform. As he wandered through the halls the sea crashed against the platforms supports. His mind couldn't help but linger on how he viewed Big boss, both Big boss's and he belittled himself, grimacing each time he remembered a time where he had gotten close to him. Each time he had told him how well he performed on a mission. Each time he made sure to check on him over the radio when he was on a longer mission. Each time he was worried about this 'phantom' of Big boss. It was the small things that were able to make Kaz this emotional, he had never experienced love firsthand - maybe how he felt for Big boss wasn't love, but he wasn't going to dismiss it as something else.
Eventually he let the tears fall, the sound of his boots and clutch clashing against the floor filled the silence of the upper floors of the platform. His eyes were covered by his aviators enough for no one to recognise his tears. Each time he past any solider they immediatly stood up straight, saluting and saying their thanks. Kaz dismissed them with an annoyed sigh or a grumble. He began to question his purpose, or lack of. Skull face was dead, he had gotten his share of revenge. He couldn't help but feel empty, if Kaz were a regular Diamond dog, Boss would've sent him in a mission.
His mind raced, did the 'phantom' know he wasn't the real Big boss? Does he know that Kaz didn't know? Did he use this information to get closer to Kaz? All the times they had spent together, was it all a lie?
"Fuck." He cursed, louder than he originally meant to. Soliders posted nearby poked their heads around the corners of the surrounding hallways. Kaz stood still, regaining his posture and his handling on his crutch. He released a breath he wasn't aware he was holding. He turned on his feet, moving to a side corridor. He, Ocelot and his boss shared a platform where their barracks were placed. In his words, it was easier for Kaz to find him if there was an issue they couldn't discuss on the radio.
Kaz and Ocelot's meeting had carried over into the evening, the sun set across the horizon. Kaz had thought now was a decent time to see his boss, late evening was usually when he was letting himself ready for another mission.. or something.
Maybe Kaz didn't know his boss as well as he thought he did.
He stopped moving, standing still. His eyes shifted to the floor, what would- could he say to the boss? - the phantom? Kaz cringed at his own thoughts, his disbelief overflowing made him question his own thoughts - as if someone was going to read them out right infront of him. He balanced his crutch up to his side as he brought his gloved hand to his eyes, moving his glasses slightly to wipe his eyes. He held his hand still for a moment, catching himself off guard - he let himself cry. Small, weak sobs escaped his lips. His fingers moved to hold the arm of his glasses, pulling them from his face. He moved his wrist to cover his eyes in shame. He wanted to cry harder, louder. He wanted to lock himself away, cower over himself, rip at his skin, his hair, his clothes. He didn't want to feel this way about anyone - but he had devoted too much of himself to his boss that it tore him apart.
"Kaz?" A brittle and gravelly voice spoke, Kaz shot his face up - his glasses remaining in his hand. His sudden movement made his crutch fall with a quiet clash. He hastily placed his glasses messily over his eyes. "ah- sorry boss." Kaz replied quickly, his tone as flat as he could make it. V had already reached down to pick up Kaz's crutch, his red bionic hand extended enough to hand him his crutch back. Kaz avoided his gaze as he slowly took it from his grasp. "Kaz." V repeated again, his tone more quiet and soft. As Kaz regained his posture his eyes shifted to meet V's single one. He couldn't help but clench his jaw. By now Kaz's tears had dried, leaving slight stains on his skin.
Kaz had a million things he wanted to say, and it was sat on the tip of his tongue. He moved his lips ready to speak but no words came. He knew V had the patience to wait, something that he had noticed was different from Big boss. He frowned at the thought but V caught on. He shifted his gaze, tilted his head slightly. The slight softness in V's voice replayed in Kaz's head, hearing his voice alone had him wanting to sob, to wrech, to tear himself apart, but all he could do was stare.
You're not him. You're a phantom. A fake. A poser.
He hated what Big boss had done, leaving him with a fake. His stomach churned with anxiety, making him feel nauseous. He didn't hate this version of Snake, he couldn't. But he wasn't able to place a label on it.
V wasn't expecting to bump into Kaz, he was on his way to speak to Ocelot. In his hand he held a cassette tape, he moved to place it in his player. Clicking it shut, he focused back onto Kaz. He stood a little puzzled, he attempted to read Kaz's expression. It was blank, his eyes hidden beneath his darkened lenses. Before he could speak his radio sparked to life, "Boss I need to have a word, mind if you can pop by?" Kaz glared at the radio placed on V's belt. He tightened his grip on his crutch and moved out the way so V could move past. And here he thought his boss wanted to come see him, for a moment he had forgotten that they run a whole ass military base. He bites at his lip, his breathing slow.
Before leaving V moved his hand, his real hand, to Kaz's shoulder, "I'll speak with you later." he murmured, as he pulled his face away he had a soft smile across his lips. Kaz nodded, his head moving to watch as he walked away. "okay boss." he mumbled a reply after he had gone. He let out a sigh, a sigh of irritation. Why couldn't he say anything to him?
He regained his weight on his crutch, walking in the opposite direction to Snake as he left to go back to his quarters.
V hesitated, his hand outstretched towards the door handle. The only thing on his mind was Kaz's expression and how blank he was, he had never seen the commander so lost. Before he even began to open the door it was opened for him. "Boss." Ocelot spoke, his voice pulling V out of whatever thought-rabbit hole he had gotten himself into. Ocelot moved to allow him to walk in, closing the door behind him.
They sat at his desk, Oceot's spurs making noise as he moved. V leant his back against the chair, "the tape." he began. Pulling at his casette player, clicking it open and pulling out the tape - placing it on the table infront of ocelot. "You knew about it, didn't you?" V added, his sharp eye locked onto Ocelot. He shifted in his seat, pulling at his gloves. "Yeah, and I had the same conversation with Miller." he replied, his eyes boring into V's. "Kaz knew?" he felt himself tense in his seat, "I only told him today, I thought maybe the real Boss would've said something to him." Ocelot moved to lean his head on his hand as he leant on the arm of his chair. Shit. That would've explained why Kaz was so hesitant to speak earlier, everything V had been able to build about himself had just been torn down - it was as if he lost any sense of individuality, identity, anything. He was living as Big boss's phantom.
He couldn't help but wonder though, would he feel this way about Kaz if he wasn't given Snake's memories? Probably not, but he didn't think it was worth it to think of the 'what if's'. He cared deeply for his friends, even if that was just Big boss's memories forcing him to feel that way. He had come so far already, as Big boss had said - he was able to cheat death thanks to him. He hadn't failed as a phantom, he was still alive. He and Kaz were able to kill Skull face for fucks sake. Then he realized, everything he had done for Kaz wasn't because of the memories given to him from Big boss - but for himself. He felt this way for Kaz, he cared this much about him, he is strong enough to protect and fight for him. In hindsight he's been able to be what Big boss was not, especially for Kaz.
"It was all a part of Big boss's plan, I'm glad you know though." V didn't react, he just let out a slight grumble. He always felt disconnected with all of his 'memories', maybe that explains as to why people have began to notice that he's not the same as the legend of Big boss. However he did have a reputation, to his crew, to the Diamond dogs, he was still their boss - if they did have an issue with him being a substitute they could leave. Maybe he couldn't be Big boss, he could be better.
Ocelot began to explain to V what Big boss wanted to gain from all this, he began to wonder if it would've been better (and easier) to explain it to both Kaz and V at the same time. "He's building a nation, he has his plans and we have ours. We'll come into play soon enough." V sat in silence, he was still getting over the fact that he isn't Big boss, that he was a medic who happened to be in his helicopter when it exploded. Ocelot took a sharp breath in before speaking again, "however, when his sons are old enough we'll have to play our roles.. however there is only room for one boss." V grimaced at the thought, he remained quiet. Nodding before standing, at this point he had enough.
At that point it was as if he ran out of his office, excusing himself and telling Ocelot he was going to ready up for another mission. Obviously he was lying, he had places to be. He had to talk to Kaz, he relied heavily on his intel on the battlefield - moreso than Ocelot. He wanted to remain this close to him. He wanted him.
And then it truly clicked, all this time - sure he had a reputation but his reputation with Kaz, Ocelot and even Quiet were different. They were able to see past this label of Big boss, they were able to trust him, aid him, they were his friends.
Or at least he thought so, he couldn't read minds. Did they actually like him? enjoy his company? or did they just tolerate him because he was this phantom of what once was Big boss.
Kaz had returned to his room, alone he had gotten himself only half-dressed. Rummaging through his clothes to find a shirt, his hands drifted across the shirt he wore as V had rescued him from the soviets. It was clean now and his eyes lingered on the dark green linen. His lone hand pulling at the hanger, taking it off and pulling it over his upper body. Wincing slightly as the fabric touched his chest, he may have had surgery a long time ago - but just like the other missing body parts, it acted as a phantom pain. Picking up his sunglasses and grabbing a hold of his crutch he moved towards his bedrooms window. It was way past sunset, the Seychelles waters alive underneath the base.
He thought about V, about Big boss, even Paz and his parents. A part of him felt pathetic, for the longest time he had been searching for a purpose - he could only sigh. It was as if it was all too much to unpack.
A ray of moonlight melted across his face, his skin had lost its tan as he hardly went outside the base. He turned on his feet and shuffled to his bed, glancing at the digital clock that sat on his bedside table.
It read, 22:24.
He moved to place his crutch next to his bedside table, unattatching his prosthetic and placing it next to his bed. He tended to the area where his skin and his prosthetic met, he grimaced slightly as he cleaned it - attempting to avoid it getting infected. He had managed to teach himself how to properly look after his limbs, although a part of him wondered how Snake dealt with his bionic arm.
Around 5 minutes later he hopped onto his bed, laying on his back and moving the covers to sit under his arm. He left his glasses on, to him it was like a grounding method - to remember who he was.
He let his eyes flutter shut, his breathing soft and calm.
"That, is Big boss's plan."
Ocelot's words ran through his head, catching him slightly off guard. It was if he flinched at his own thoughts. He pulled his palm to his forehead, moving any stray hairs that lay against his clammy skin. The years he'd spent with Big boss finally hit him all at once. He had been with numerous girls, romantically and/ or sexually - but none of them were him, none of them meant the same way Big boss did.
Tears pricked at his eyes, he felt his chest heave as soft sobs left his lips. He had hoped that the small cry earlier was enough to let him get away from crying more about it, but apparently luck wasn't on his side this time. His tears began to sting, moving his fingers under his glasses to wipe away the residue. He squeezed his eyes shut as he lay, letting his tears fall freely.
All he could hear was the waves crashing onto the legs of the platform.. and a pair of heavy duty boots trudged through the barrack corridors?
Kaz furrowed his eyebrows, some of the soldiers could be awfully inconsiderate-
There was a soft tap at his door, almost as if a piece of metal was being moved to make the noise.
Kaz got up hesitantly, placing his prosthetic on underneath his shorts - rather messily, but he wasn't planning on wearing it for long. He moved his hand to his crutch, moving himself to balance on it properly before moving. He grumbled and cursed under his breath. He wandered over to his door, fumbling as he pulled at the latch to open it. "I swear to god-" Kaz began, through his dark aviators his eyes met with V. "Kaz." he spoke, his gaze was soft - softer than Kaz had ever seen. Kaz was taken aback, V moved his hands to meet with Kaz's shoulders. Moving him deeper into his room before shutting the door behind him, he left the light off as he had remembered Kaz's photophobia.
"Boss- what are you doing here?" Kaz began, his usual grouchy voice in full effect. V's lone eye searched Kaz's face in the dark, unclenching his jaw he moved his eyes to his cassette player - pulling out a tape. Kaz's eyes followed his hands, V handed him the tape. He was able to read the writing, "from the man who sold the world."
Kaz moved his head up to face V again, his expression unchanged.
"What do you want me to do with this-"
"Do you know what it is?" V was quick to interupt him, catching Kaz off guard as he brought his eyes over the tape once more. He moved his thumb to feel the texture of the writing. Of course he knew what it was, it was from the boss - a reminder to V of who he was and what his purpose was.
"I do, i'm not stupid Snake." Kaz grumbled a reply, handing the tape back to V. Adjusting his weight on his crutch again as he moved to sit on his bed.
"You know?"
"what's with all the questions?"
"Answer mine first." V grumbled, his bionic hand placing the tape back in its holder - Kaz placed his crutch to lean on the side of his bed once more, scratching his forehead as he thought of what to say.
"Maybe I do, what's it to you? I have no place to say anything-"
"Kaz."
"No. Don't you dare speak to me like that." Kaz's voice began to wobble, after his conversation with Ocelot he was definitly not ready to hear V say his name the same way Big boss once did.
"Of course I know, I'd be a shitty XO if I didn't." he mumbled. He could feel his heart rise to his throat, V's deep blue eye didn't leave his figure. "I didn't think you knew, not yet anyway. A part of me was hoping that you'd never find out." Kaz added, his voice a little muffled as he was ready to weep - hoping that V wouldn't see him this way.
V's eye locked onto his shirt, noticing that it was the same shirt he wore when he saved him. He moved towards him, Kaz moved quickly to stand - his hand gripping the crutch messily. "Whatever shit you're planning-" Kaz began, meeting V where he stood. As KAz began to back up a little V moved his hands to the arms of Kaz's glasses, taking them off the bridge of his nose and tossing them gently to his bed. Kaz's clouded eyes scrutanized V's scarred face, he scowled. V's expression didn't change, it remained as gentle as when he came in - his patience and behaviour was definitly different to Big boss. It was if V wanted to speak through his actions, his eye lingered over Kaz's pale skin. His hands moving to Kaz's dirty blonde hair, even if it was dark V noticed that with age his hair has lost its golden glow - Kaz's expression began to soften, not a lot, but enough.
Words seemed to get caught in Kaz's throat, he wanted to say so much, but also nothing at all. V's hands caressed his skin, moving to his cheeks and jawline.
Even if V was cursed with Big boss's memories, he longed to tell Kaz how he felt - his hands cupped his face.
"I'm sorry."
"wh-what?" Kaz stuttered, followed by his words V moved his hand to grab a hold of his crutch - placing his arms around Kaz.
Kaz stood a little awestruck for a few minutes, his face blank and puzzled. Kaz's single arm moving around V's waist, his hand grabbing a fistfull of his shirt.
"I may be Big boss's phantom, but I am able to tell apart my own emotions." V spoke, "I love you Kaz."
Kaz opened his mouth to speak but his words were caught in his throat, he tightened his grip on V. It was as if this was the last time he'd ever see him.
"Please don't say that." He finally replied. Kaz moved his face into the crook of V's neck, "I don't want you to lie to me."
The thing was, V wasn't lying. Even when he was Big boss's firsthand medic he couldn't lie to anyone - he had an element of honesty that everyone on his team seemed to admire. Kaz had seemed to forget that behind this surgically modified man was once just a well-trained medic, he just happened to save Big boss on that helicopter.
He adjusted his grip around Kaz. Returning the energy - he was mourning for someone that was still here.
To V, it was lucky to get this close to Kaz - even if Big boss's memories were the ones surfacing in his mind. Although V was able to keep a few distant memories, memories when he, Big boss and Kaz were still in the MSF, when they trained in Costa Rica. For the longest time V had admired Kaz from afar, labelling it as admiration for managing to get with so many girls - but he couldn't help but wish that he was one of them. He guessed that being queer in the MSF wasn't really a problem, but wasn't really allowed either - they were a military force, attempting to maintain peace. None of them really had the time for serious commitments to something as serious as a relationship. He thought that by working so close to Big boss, especially on major missions - he'd manage to get that step closer to Kaz.
After a while of silence, Kaz broke the embrace and moved to grab his glasses from the bed. "Stop fucking around Snake." Kaz hissed. He felt his mouth go dry, his eyebrows furrowed. V couldn't help but stand back in slight shock and embarrassment. He let Kaz say what he wanted, V moved to place his crutch back at Kaz's side. Kaz was quick to snatch it back, balancing his weight on it.
"Don't lie to me Snake." Kaz snarled, V hated seeing him this angry. Kaz had made an attempt to savour his words, but he had forgotten who had said it - not Big boss, but his phantom. He clenched his jaw, "I'm not lying Kaz-"
"How do I know if this is you speaking or him?" Kaz spat, shuffling towards him once more. V stood still, potentially accepting his fate as he kept his lone eye on Kaz.
If he were to be truthfully honest, his first thoughts after waking from his coma were Kaz, the last thing he remembered were seeing Big boss and Kaz in a medbay - the doctors attempting to revive him.
V blinked slowly, his teeth pulling at the skin inside his cheek. He let silence fill the room, he had no idea what to tell him.
"Yeah.. I thought so." Kaz went to chuckle but his voice quivered. He moved back, shifting on his foot to turn around. "Is that really all you came here to talk about?" he added, actively biting back his sobs and cries. He dreaded to think how pathetic he looked right now.
V moved his hands out to offer an embrace, Kaz scoffed. "I'm a lot stronger than you think" Kaz bickered, moving his crutch to lay on V's chest - attempting to make him move away. Kaz could only grimace at his own actions, pushing the only person who actually cared about him away was a stupid move. He wanted to tear him apart, rip at his stupid eyepatch, pull at his clothes, beat the utter shit out of him, but he also wanted to hold him, kiss his skin, run his fingers across his jaw and through his hair. He bit his tongue.
"For fucks sake Snake. Why here, why now?" He grumbled, his words beginning to come out like vomit. "You came back not that long ago, and from then we've been working together to rebuild what we should've had with our old base." he rambled, "and only now you're choosing to say all this? You're an idiot." he spoke, irritated. V couldn't remember the last time he had seen him this way.
V moved rather abruptly, his hand moving Kaz's crutch out of the way - disregarding his attempts to fight he placed his arms around Kaz again. He had remembered that back in Costa Rica he had severe issues with handling his own anger - V had learnt that a good way to ground someone stressing out, especially Kaz, was to embrace him - he found that it was a way to sooth him, an attempt to release Oxytocins. He remembered learning that Ocytcins were able to create trust and calmness - good for getting soldiers to bond with one another.
V had accepted the fact that Kaz would attempt to fight, but he didn't, he didn't accept the hug either. He just stood there, his hand leaning on his crutch as V held him.
After a few moments of utter silence V heard soft breaths from Kaz, soft breaths turned into soft cries. He moved his forehead to lean on his shoulder, moving his arm to hook around his waist - his crutch falling to the floor with a soft clash.