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The music is loud and it's all Derek can hear. The laughs and chats from the people surrounding him are all drowned by the rhythmic song that's playing. Cora already ditched him to go find her friends. Though he should be glad she accepted to help him get in the party in the first place. Her friend slash crush slash time-to-time fooling around Lydia Martin is no joke when she's organizing parties and Derek Hale is not her most welcomed guess.
His eyes are scanning the crowd hoping to see a slim body, all in clumsy grace and porcelain skin and delicious moles but with his stupid werewolf mask and the way better succeeded than his disguises, he doesn't see the beginning or the end of Stiles.
A couple passes near him, the man bumping in Derek without even a glance, pushing him against the wall and at that moment, even though Derek is six feet tall, he's never felt so tiny or miserable in his whole life. He can't help but notice every pair making out or dancing intimately on the made-up dancefloor and think that one of them may be Stiles.
And the worst part is even if Stiles is out there, kissing a wonderful girl or a cute guy, he has every right to after Derek acted like a total idiot with him at the beginning of the week. Hence a panic call to Laura this morning, some blackmail involving old children memories and his mother's china for Cora to accept to give him a hand and a last minute drop at the nearest Walmart to buy a cheap werewolf plastic head. Because Derek has been an ass toward Stiles but he does have feelings for him. I may be falling in love with you feelings.
Those feelings mean little right now, Derek must admit. He's terrifying - him of all the people who fled parties like plague. He's not a coward but he's not brave or courageous either. He's good with quiet, books and studies. Even classical music though he doesn't tell - Laura and Cora would laugh their ass off. He doesn't do social like Laura who is comfortable even when she should be embarrassed. He's not like Cora who bosses her way around. He just frowns and stands awkwardly like an idiot.
Searching all the house for Stiles and telling him... Stuff - that is so not him. Laura's good advice about how he needs to live a little, enjoy his twenties are evaporating by the minute. There are too many people, too many faces he doesn't know. Cora wouldn't stay with him - she's still mad at him for hurting Stiles.
Derek should go, he thinks suddenly. Stiles is properly better without a grumpy graduate student who crashes barely-legal kids parties.
Feeling like he can't breathe properly, Derek rips off the mask of his head and throws it on the table near him. He doesn't give a damn when a bowl of chips crashes down. He just needs to go. He starts pressing in the crowd, pushing people around. The Martin's house is big and Lydia did an incredible job decorating - he has to give her that credit. Soon, Derek has no idea where he is. There false spider web stinking against his sweaty arms and the lights are too fluorescent for him to see anything but the glowing teeth and sharpen nails.
He almost jumps three feet when a different couple crashes near him, colliding against the first surface they find, ripping each other clothes while... well, eating each other face. Derek can't describe it any other way. More and more uncomfortable by the minute, he starts walking backwards. The music seems to get louder though he weirdly hears his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. Another light flashes and Derek trips onto his own feet. Breathing becomes harder as if someone dropped a weight on his chest.
"Derek!"
He spins around and trips again because Stiles is here. Standing all tall and dark in what seems like a very good imitation of Batman's suit.
"Derek. What are you doing here? Derek? You okay dude? Derek?"
He can't seem to form the words he wanted to say for days now. Stiles is standing so close to him - beautiful with his hazel eyes and brown hair, moles on ivory skin, kissable lips. Stiles is everything and he scares him to death.
Because it's Stiles. That stranger he met on Thanksgiving after coming back from college - Cora's new friend that his mom loves so much, that Laura lives to team up with against him, that even Uncle Peter finds interesting. Stiles who's four years younger. Stiles who pops up from everywhere and anywhere - first annoying the hell out of him and suddenly becoming a permanent figure in his life. Going in the same college than him, dropping unannounced for some TV and pizza.
And well Derek's dated. There was Paige then captain cheerleader Jennifer who soon lost all interest in him when she understood how boring he was (even if she found him handsome or whatever) and then his almost-a-year serious girlfriend Braeden. That is the thing though. Girlfriend. As in hetero. Straight. Never thought of dating a guy. Never been attracted to a guy before.
But Stiles is different for him. And it's all he can think about as he let Stiles drag him away. He's barely aware of Stiles' firm grip on his hand or how he regularly turns around with a concern look on his face or even his voice.
"Breathe, Derek. Breathe for me."
Oh, I'm having a panic attack, he realizes dumbly. It's like he's a spectator of the scene, all his attention drawn away from his body and seizing chest to Stiles' warmth. It is no straight to think about Stiles every minute of every day. Turning around to find Stiles and share some random thought with him. Being disappointed when he's not here. Buying what Stiles likes to eat when he's going to the shop. Imagining what he would be to hold him. To kiss him.
And finally do it. Take this delicate face into his hands and kiss Stiles like he meant to.
The music disappears around him - almost - and Derek is drawn back to the reality when he realizes so. Stiles took them to a chamber upstairs - he doesn't even remember the trip - and pushed him down on the bed. Now, he is crouched right beside him, worry in his eyes as Derek struggles to breathe.
"Please Derek breathe with me. In. Out. In. Out. Okay, again. In, out. No, breathe. Don't you dare pass out on me."
It's the own panic and bossiness in Stiles' voice that's pushed Derek out of his trance and forces him to inhale and exhale slowly until everything becomes clear again and the world doesn't threat to crumble under his feet.
"Thanks."
He says after a few minutes of heavy silence. Stiles nods curtly before stepping back a little. Cold creeps in him and Derek can't help but blurt:
"I'm sorry for what I say earlier this week. I didn't mean it. I really care about you."
The words linger in the room. Stiles is now staring at him with an unreadable look on his face. Derek tries his best not to blurt out everything else he has been rehearsed all day.
"Do you mean it?"
"Of course. Why..." He swallows. "Wh.. why would I not mean it?"
Stiles' hard look is nothing Derek could have imagine and it hurts even more. He wants to apologize again but he has the feeling it's not the right thing to do.
"I don't know Derek. I used to get you but what I saw earlier this week. The harsh tone and the way you treated me. I mean..." He passes a hand through his hair, getting them messy. He opens his mouth again before closing it, struggling with words and Derek knows it's bad because Stiles is never speechless.
"He didn't sound like you. How you didn't want to go to a stupid Halloween party with kids. He sounds like the asshole you seemed to be when I first met you. But I've got it since that time. It's what you do when you're uncomfortable. Frowning and glaring and being a total douchebag. But I thought we were over that. First as friends and now as..." He does some hand gesture and Derek can't help but finish his sentence in his head. Boyfriends.
And Derek doesn't have anything against it. Hell, he wants it so badly. Cuddling with Stiles while watching Star Wars for the umpteenth time. Kissing him gently when his family doesn't look. Doing couple-y stuff that he can't even think about because Derek has never been that kind of guy. For Stiles, he wants to be.
"You couldn't talk to me," says Stiles and Derek focuses back on him. "You didn't trust me enough to tell me what's wrong. You chose to be reckless and hurtful. And now you apologize with some pre-made speech like you can't really be open near me. I'm sorry Derek but whatever this is, age difference or another reason, I'm not up to take it."
"Stiles please," he starts to beg because he doesn't like the direction their taking. At all. He hates that Stiles can see right through him. Knows him better than he knows himself but that he can't find a way to comfort Stiles.
"No Derek. It was not okay what you said. And it's not okay to crash down to my friend's party. Specially as it brought you to have a panic attack. If whatever there is between us is hurting you and myself, we should stop right now."
The idea is unbearable. Derek knows at that moment that he's not only gonna lose his 'boyfriend' but his best friend too. Because that's what Stiles is. There's Boyd and Erica and Isaac and Laura and Cora and Derek cares for them. But there is no one like Stiles who knows just how much to push him out of his comfort zone and fits so right in his life in every way he can think about. He doesn't want to lose their lousy jokes and cheesy moments and easy silences.
"Stiles, please, I'm sorry," he begs again because he doesn't know what else to say. The worlds are swelling in his throat, almost choking him. Then Stiles looks at him with such a raw look that Derek feels his mouth dry suddenly.
Stiles has never looked like that before. There is no hint of a smile in his eyes, his mouth is twisted in a sorrow expression. Like he has lost all hope.
"I believe you but it doesn't change anything Derek. You are... I know that you hate when people stare at you and you never realize when a guy or a girl hits on you. There can have this gorgeous babe and you'll zero on some book or paper like the dork you are sometimes. And I lo... like that about you. But don't you realize how much you mean to me? When you kissed me, I ask you if you were sure and you said you were. But I don't think you are. It's okay to get confused sometimes Derek. I just don't want to lose you. If we keep going on that road, I'm afraid I won't have you at all. You don't realize how an amazing person you are Derek Hale. I'm good with just being your friend."
Sadness is now all over Stiles' face and there is also shame and embarrassment in his eyes and Derek starts to get it. He knows that Stiles cares about him but discovering his feelings for Stiles and wondering about them took all his attention. He never thought about how much his feelings could be reciprocated. And now, a whole world of possibilities opens before him. He could have been amazing in different circumstances but it's not. He only thought about himself and ended up hurting Stiles.
So when he says:
"I just need a little time Derek. I'll see you soon."
He doesn't find the strength to protest. Stiles is right. Derek doesn't see things most of the time and he sucks at being a boyfriend. Why would he force himself on the person he cares about the most? Stiles will need time but eventually, he'll find someone good for him and Derek will still be his friend. It's better than nothing, he tries to convince himself.
Slowly, Stiles walks to the door - looking so sad Derek wants to comfort but it's not his place. All of sudden, Stiles trips on the cape fastened to the suit and almost fall. He swears and Derek stands up awkwardly. Usually, they would have laugh of Stiles' clumsiness but now, he can see Stiles' cheeks burning with embarrassment. Will they ever be comfortable together again?
Stiles removes the cape, mumbling to himself. For the second time today, Derek feels his mouth go dry. Stiles' suit pants are like a second skin and his ass. His ass. He blushes abruptly, hastily looking away. He doesn't want to be caught staring like an idiot. He doesn't have the right anymore.
Like in dream, Derek sees Stiles open the door. It's like a cacophony in his head - not because of the music - but because of the voices. Laura's, Cora's, his mom, even Peter's, all yelling at him. What an idiot he is. He has feelings for Stiles and if there are as strong as he says they are, he should fight for him. It's not fair to let go of Stiles thinking it's the best. It's not fair to choose for him. Derek can't promise anything but he can try to be better at that dating thing.
"I'm Stiles-sexual!" He cries out, reddening in a deep shade of crimson. Stiles freezes on the spot before closing the door and turning around.
"What did you just said?"
"Uh... I think your ass is amazing in that pants." Stiles manages to blush and look done at the same time. "I like you Stiles. I really do. But you were right about everything. I acted like an idiot because I was scared and I'm not used to say things like that out loud. You know I like silence, quiet. It's not easy for me but I should have try at least. I... I'm attracted to you. And I'm okay with that. So okay believe me. But I am not attracted to any other men. I am not gay. You're the exception Stiles. But..."
"But..." Says Stiles after a few minutes of silence - when Derek struggles with words again. He looks more like himself now. Open with a light in his eyes. Hope, he realizes.
"What if... What if I'm not good with sex with a man? What if I just like the idea? Halloween is... For kids, it's about candy but for college students, it's about sex and alcohol. And don't like to drink too much you know it. So I assume..."
"You assume I wanted to have sex with you." Stiles finishes. His voice is calm and there is no accusation in it but Derek still feels ashamed. He knows Stiles is horny - he shares his lot of information about it. But saying it out loud, he sounds stupid to Derek. Because Stiles is also the most caring person he ever met and the world will fall apart before Stiles put his want before someone else's comfort.
"You know I would never force you to do something you don't like or not ready to do." Derek looks up and finds himself staring deep into Stiles' beautiful eyes. "I know."
Stiles nods. "And you know it's important to talk about sex and boundaries and limits. That what's a healthy relationship is supposed to do." It's Derek's turn to nod.
Stiles is suddenly in his space, taking his hands and lacing their fingers together. Derek stares. He can't help but think that it's where he's supposed to be. "And you know I like you no matter what." "Yes but..." "But nothing. Yes, it was stupid to assume and then act like an ass about it. It's okay to do mistakes though and if I can't forgive you, then I'm the idiot one. We'll learn together okay?"
Derek nods again - it's like his quota of words has been reached. He feels a little weak in the knees when he finally realizes Stiles is not mad anymore - that he's not going anywhere. He sighs when Stiles kisses him tenderly. Just a chaste touch of lips, warm and loving.
"Thank you for not letting me go," Says Stiles and it warms Derek. Knowing it did the right thing. He puts his hands on Stiles lips and let his mouth sinks on his boyfriend's.
Stiles moans when his tongue run on his lower lip, opening his mouth, letting Derek lick his way in, slowly. It isn't rush or passionate but warm and deep - he can't help but groan when Stiles bites his lip before stepping away with a devilish and sexy as hell smile.
"We should probably talk though. About what you said and about what I said. I don't want to have a fight like that again."
"Me either."
"But it can wait until tomorrow. We could go to your place and just lay down for a while. Enjoy the quiet and do something about that ass of mine you find amazing. By the way, I like yours very much."
Derek smiles and pecks Stiles on the lips. "It's good for me."
***
They do talk the next morning. There is one thing though they resolve in the night. Derek has no problem with gay sex. In fact, he may be a little in love. Specially with blowjobs and Stiles' dick. But falling asleep against Stiles’ naked body is definitively is favorite.