Chapter Text
Armin stood on his own on the ambassador’s office balcony. I had entered the office without permission, you had no answer, but I just walked in. I see you at the balcony, so I leave a gift on your desk and walk over to you.
I see smoke coming from you and see a cigarette in your hand. You don’t notice me, but I whack it out of your hand. ‘Hey- ‘he stops talking when he sees me. ‘Annie, you should’ve knocked.’ He speaks. ‘I did. But you didn’t answer, so I decided to come in, you never usually have a problem so why do you now?’ I ask. ‘I don’t. You could’ve said “hi” at least.’ He replied. ‘Ok that was my fault, I’m sorry.’
We stay quiet for a few awkward moments. I guess things became like this ever since I got out of the crystal. The more I know Armin it also seems the less he talks about his feelings. The less he talks about anything, to anyone. I would’ve originally thought he could talk about these things but turns out that’s a no. It’s been 3 months since the world ended and those gorgeous ocean blue eyes, faded during the rumbling and haven’t recovered yet. His hair is starting to go back to its original state from when I met him. Eye bags began appearing on his face and they’ve just gotten darker, makes you wonder if he’s a zombie or not. His hands are very shaking as well, and when he’s sitting down his leg shakes up and down and up and down in a fast-repeating pattern. Makes you wonder why he cares so much about other people and not himself. If I was Armin, and if I was going through a shitty time like that; I’d out myself first and sort things out before worrying about work or other people’s mental health. It seems Armin will always be a selfless kid.
‘So… how are things?’ I ask trying to create conversation. ‘Fine, not too bad. Just tiring that’s all.’ Armin replys not looking at me. That silence starts again, and I can tell he doesn’t want to talk to me. But what I need to talk about it is important to him and me. ‘How come you’re not working?’ I ask attempting conversation again. ‘What do you mean? I’m here am I or am I not’ he replys. I don’t appreciate the sarcasm, but I can’t get mad over this. ‘I mean why are you out here instead of in there.’ I confirm. ‘Oh sorry, I’m watching the sunset.’ He answers. The sunset? Why would he be interested in that? ‘Oh, any reason as to why?’ I ask trying to not end this conversation. ‘I always have, ever since I was a kid, I’d try get out to see every single one.’ ‘I did it when we were cadets, and when I was in the scout regiment, and when we were in Marley, so I guess out of habit I guess.’ ‘Oh, well that’s pretty interesting.’ I finish with, losing conversation ideas.
‘Why aren’t you working?’ He asks finally deciding to look at me. ‘I wanted to give you something, and I wanted to talk as well.’ I answer. ‘Talk about what?’ He asks yet again. I take a minute to decide how I want to approach this reply, I don’t want to force anything onto you, but I know you’ll just lie. ‘This may be a surprise but, you.’ I state. Armin loses a bit of his tense physical and widens his eyes and slight bit. ‘Why me?’ He asks for the 100th time now (he’s asking a lot of questions now ay?) ‘Well, being perfectly honest, me, Connie, Jean, Pieck and the others are really worried about you.’ I finally say. He just stays quiet to observe what’s going on. ‘We’ve seen how you’ve been doing since the rumbling ended and being genuinely honest, you look like shit.’ I spoke. I didn’t want to get mean but sometimes it’s a necessary evil, especially when a person you truly care about isn’t doing well.
It takes Armin a little bit of time to figure out what to say, but we eventually say. ‘I’m fine, you and the others don’t need to worry. Works been stressful since then and becoming the commander isn’t the easiest job to do. But I appreciate the worry.’ He smiles like nothings wrong. He sounds genuine but I know a good liar when I see one. ‘Ok but still-‘ I try to finish my sentence but get interrupted. ‘Annie, I’m fine. Don’t worry. Worry about your own lives first before mine.’ He speaks. The fact that he can actually say to put ourselves before our friends when he’s doing exactly the opposite is quite annoying. I didn’t want to get mean and rude but sometimes you have to. ‘Armin, I know you’re lying. I know a liar when I see one.’ I say not getting mad thankfully. ‘I wouldn’t lie about stuff like this, ok?’ he lies again. ‘Armin you are not ok. You have massive eye bags, your hands are shaking all the time, you haven’t been talking to any of us at all, you've lost weight, you don't seem to sleep much, and you're always working yourself... I can tell this is taking a toll on you and it doesn't make me feel any better knowing that you're always keeping it a secret... It's not healthy, and you know it's not... So why do you keep doing it?’ I raise my voice when saying that making sure you know how bad this has gotten.
Armin just stares at me and doesn’t know what to say. It’s like I’m a detective and he’s a criminal and I’ve just accused him as guilty. He sighs and speaks. ‘Look, I understand you're concerned, but I'm perfectly fine... I don't need you constantly worrying about me... I've got things under control and it's not something I need you messing up... I'm fine, I can handle myself, I don't need you interfering with things... ‘. Armin says trying to ignore what I just said. ‘Armin listen to me. You visibly look extremely unhealthy, and I know it’s over Eren or some shite but, that doesn’t mean you have to keep it a secret from the rest of us. If anything, we want to help you.’ Armin looks at me like I’m a mad woman or something. ‘Well Annie have you maybe thought that I didn’t want to tell you? Did you ever consider that?’ Armin says with a rude tone on his tongue. I don’t know if that’s meant to piss me off or not, but it is anyway. ‘Armin, I’m just trying to help you. You don’t need to be rude about it’ I confront. ‘I’m not being rude, I’m being honest. That’s all.’ He states. I can understand if he doesn’t want to talk about it, but he could at least not be rude about it. ‘Armin me and you both know that talking about this will make it better.’ I say sounding like a mother talking to her child. ‘Annie, once again. I’m perfectly fine. You and the others need to stop worrying.’ He says trying to reassure me. ‘You know the more you don’t talk about the worse state you’ll get yourself in, it’s not healthy.’ I say not finishing. ‘Look I understand that I’m not the best person to talk to, but then again if you told me all those things in the boat it would make sense if you would tell me about this.’ I finish.
Armin just looks at me with no longer glistening ocean eyes and turns his head away from me. ‘I have a feeling this is about a lot of things, isn’t it?’ I ask. ‘Well like you said, I look unhealthy so that would give you the idea that it’s more than one thing.’ He says, I don’t know if he’s trying to be rude or not but it’s still pissing me off. ‘Is it about Eren? Or Mikasa leaving? Or just having the burden of the colossal titan?’ I ask trying to be polite about this. He’s quiet which makes me feel like he’s ignoring me which doesn’t help that I’m annoyed at him. ‘Or is it being the commander suddenly since Hange died? Or being the peace ambassador? Or- ‘he cuts me off. ‘It’s all those things, ok? What else do you want me to say?’ He states projecting his voice loudly and looks at me again. I notice that if this was old Armin saying this to me, his eyes would be glassy. But new Armin doesn’t have any emotion except probably being pissed at me. Plus, me being pissed at him doesn’t help. I’ve gotten too pissed off to the point of snapping if he won’t let me help him.
‘Armin.’ I’m stuck in what to say so I just stay quiet. He turns his head away from me again. ‘Is there anything I can do to help you?’ I ask trying nit the end the conversation. ‘No there’s not, because I’m fine.’ He speaks. Snap. ‘Armin it is very fucking obvious that you’re not ok, you literally just listed reasons why you’re not and you’re just acting like you’re not fucking depressed or something?’ I shout, trying to actually state my reasoning. He’s obviously taken back by my words and looks visibly angry himself. ‘Annie, I do not want to talk about this right now. It’s not a good time.’ He says trying his best to stay calm. ‘Then when will you.’ I ask. ‘If now’s not a good time when is?’ He looks not pleased with my words. ‘I-I.’ He stutters in his words. ‘I don’t know.’ He speaks. He’s at a loss for words because I’ve caught him out and now, he doesn’t have any counter arguments to my point.
We stay quiet for at least 10 minutes, the awkwardness around us is overwhelming. I know you’re not going to say anything and in fairness I won’t either, so I decide to leave. I turn my back away and go back into your office. ‘Where are you going?’ He asks. ‘I’m going home, I need some sleep.’ I finish. I walk out the door. After a second, I enter the room again saying. ‘I got you something, by the way.’ I leave again and go home.
~
Annie leaves the room, and I don’t expect to see her until work tomorrow. I stay at the balcony until I get too cold, and the sunsets gone. I walk back inside closer the wide doors, putting them in a latch. I put my suit coat on me and notice what Annie left for me. It’s a plain light brown box of a small size. It’s not wrapped so I open it up and it’s a shell. Not any shell. A conch shell. My favourite type. There’s always something so unique about them, one they are a lot bigger than a normal shell, and have a unique curl to them to them, and the most interesting thing is that you can hear the sea. When you put it close to your ear, they say you can hear the sea from it and that’s what makes it so beautiful and so unique. I’m taken back by the fact Annie knew I liked this type. I mean, there’s a lot of random shells but Annie knew that I like this specific type and it’s also quite rare.
I leave my office bringing the shell with me. I arrive at my place and leave the shell of a shelf with some others surrounding it. I lie on my bed after the long day with my tie and blazer off. I lay there thinking about Annie. She tried being nice to me and I appreciate that, but I know I’d be a burden when she already has to deal with so many other things. She has gone through a lot more than I have plus she probably has her own things going on in her head. But I've been through a lot too... Yes, I may not have lost quite as much as she has, but I'm just as emotionally distressed as she is... We've both suffered our fair share of traumas, and we both deserve to talk about our feelings... but I don’t want to put a burden on you. You can't go through everything by yourself, having my problems to deal with and dealing with your own problems wouldn’t be fair... Otherwise, it will only lead to you shutting yourself off and suffering alone... and I don’t want that to happen to you.
I decide to go to sleep and clear my head of any problems and thoughts. But sleeping is harder than I wanted it to be. My mind is filled with hundred of thousands of things all at once. Most of them are about Annie, Jesus Christ, I can’t get her out of my fucking head. trying to sleep and escape the worries that cloud my mind... I can't shut their brain off and I’m tossing and turning, unable to find a comfortable position to rest... I’m haunted by their thoughts, about Eren, about the lives I took, about how I’m the ambassador of peace and I can’t keep everything out of my head. I’m trying to make sense of everything going on in my life... I want nothing more than the ability to just drift off into a deep slumber, but my mind is racing with worries I can't quite figure out...
I’ve been tossing and turning all night, unable to get their mind off Annie... I’m flooded with a cocktail of emotions... Anger, sadness, regret, and guilt all weighing down on me... I’m still mad at the Annie for trying to help me, I told her repeatedly that I was fine, but she just wouldn’t listen, and her giving me the shed, doesn’t help. But no matter what I know that I need to apologise... My stupid thoughts are running rampant, and I can't fall asleep... Eventually, the thoughts get the best of me, and I drift into a fitful sleep full of guilt and regret...
I wake him a cold sweat, I slept with my shirt and trousers still on and in June weather like this it isn’t ideal pyjamas. I make myself a cup of coffee and toast for breakfast and decide to shower the get the sweaty stench of my body. The water isn’t that warm unfortunately it’s quite cold in ways, but I get on with washing my body and hair. After I get out, I get dressed and leave the house with a briefcase. I enter the department and see Connie walking in with me. Part of me wants to ignore him but I know I’d just be rude. Before I can say hi or not say anything he gets to me first. ‘Armin!’ He runs over to me and pats my back hard; did he forget I’m not Jean or something? ‘Hi Connie.’ I say with my voice low and cold. ‘Woah, kid. You alright?’ He says with genuine concern in his tone. ‘Yeah, I’m alright, shit sleep.’ I lie. Connie’s too fucking stupid to realise I’m lying. ‘Oh yeah same with me, impossible to sleep during this weather huh?’ He says grinning some how. ‘Yeah’ I say and decide to leave him and walk to my office. He just keeps following me.
He says. ‘Hey what’s with the briefcase?’ ‘It’s just a case I’m working with.’ I reply. I walk into the office, but Connie doesn’t stop there. ‘So… did Annie talk to you or?’ He asks losing the jokey tone. ‘Yeah, she did yesterday.’ I answer. ‘What did she say?’ He asks again. ‘She just asked me how I was feeling, I guess…’ I answer. ‘Ok, did you tell her if you were ok?’ He asked again. I feel like he’s asking too many questions, but Connie isn’t like Jean. He’s nicer and easier to talk to. ‘I said I was fine, but she insisted I wasn’t.’ I say after a minute. ‘Well, she’s obviously right about that, have you had a look at yourself? You look like shite.’ He says honestly. I’m taken back by the rude comment, but I know he’s right. ‘Connie I’m not in the mood to talk about this. Please leave…’ Connie decides to listen to me and leaves without saying a word.
I start getting work done without any distractions, which gets most it done by 3. I read a book for a few minutes as I hear the surprisingly first knock on my door. I say ‘come in’ to whoever’s at the door. The door opens and I recognise the familiar small physique and know it’s Annie. Some one who I didn’t particularly want to see today. ‘So… are you gonna talk to me now.’ She says bluntly with out a hello. ‘Excuse me?’ I say in some confusion. ‘Are you going to talk to me about how you’re feeling?’ She continues. I didn’t want to but I knew I wasn’t getting out of this one easily. ‘Guess I should.’ I put my book done and look at Annie as she stands in front of my desk. ‘What’s going on… for a start.’ She asks keeping her tone polite. ‘I guess I haven gotten over everything that happened yet. But it’ll happen soon enough.’ I answer. ‘About anything particular?’ She questions. ‘It’s mainly what Eren told me in the paths and knowing how many people I killed. Also, how many Bertholdt killed.’ I answer. ‘Why would how many people bertholdt’s killed affect you?’ Annie asks. ‘I guess all of his memories play in my mind and makes me feel like it was me killing them.’ I answer again. She goes quiet most likely thinking the same as me. Of course, in those memories a very certain person was there with Bertholdt, Annie herself. And she was never shy of killing someone. ‘You shouldn’t feel guilty about that stuff, it wasn’t you.’ Annie states. ‘I know but I’m still watching from his eyes so what else would I think?’ I say. ‘Well, what else haven’t you gotten over?’ ‘What Eren said in the paths.’ ‘What did he say?’ I take a deep breath knowing where this will go.
‘Eren obviously told me why he wanted to kill 80% of the population and I had some involvement. I showed him books of the world outside and he wanted them dead as much as I did.’ I speak. ‘I thanked him for showing me what was beyond the walls, because we were both responsible for what had happened, I know I’ll join him in whatever hell exists and we’ll forever suffer for all the people whose lives are lost by the two of us.’ I look at Annie and she has the same face on her and is most likely thinking that I’m the most insane person she’s ever motherfucking met. ‘But you’ve said yourself, you’re the person who saved 20% of the population.’ Annie says. ‘But I stilled enjoyed seeing the blood of many people at my feet.’ I say. ‘Here, you shouldn’t worry about it, you did more good than Eren ever did. You were always the better person.’ Annie states. ‘But still…’ ‘it doesn’t matter, why do you think you’re the ambassador of peace? Because you’re a good person Armin. No one can change any of our minds otherwise.’ ‘You’re not a bad person. Eren’s a bad person who did bad things, you did some bad things but you’re altogether a good person.’ Annie’s words don’t seem like they should be said to me. She should say then to someone like Jean or Connie. Not me. ‘You’re a better person then I will ever be. Armin.’
She takes my hands and hugs me. ‘If you were a bad person, you wouldn’t have visited me in the crystal for four years, you wouldn’t have forgiven me for betraying you so easily if you weren’t a good person.’ Annie continues. ‘You wouldn’t have been called the ambassador of peace if you weren’t a good person.’ ‘So, tell me now.’ She speaks. ‘Tell you what?’ I ask. ‘Say, “I’m a good person” to me.’ Saying I’m a good person? It’s easy to say but to actually believe is an overstatement.
‘I’m a good person.’ I say. ‘Again.’
I listen to her and say. ‘I’m a good person.’ ‘Again.’
‘I’m a good person.’ ‘Again.’
‘I’m a good person.’ ‘Again.’
‘I’m a good person.’ ‘Keep going Armin.’
‘I’m a good person.’ Again.’
I’m getting sick of it now and say.
‘I’m a good person I’m a good person I’m a good person I’m a good person I’m a good person I’m a good person I’m a good person I’m a good person I’m a good person I’m a good person. There is that enough?’
‘Is it enough times for you to believe yourself?’
Now I understand what she was doing. I pull her in again tightly and say. ‘Yes, thank you.’ I hear her chuckle slightly as she kissed my check and says, ‘you’re welcome.’ She breaks from the hug and leaves without saying another word.