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He Tian honest to god did not mean for it to happen.
When Mo Guan Shan slapped him when he woke up and saw He Tian hovering over him, when He Tian saw just how tired he looked, he really did intend to go back to his room and let Mo Guan Shan sleep alone in peace.
If anyone asks, He Tian genuinely did not mean to end up staying anyway.
He doesn’t know what kind of face he actually made, but it must’ve been pitiful enough for Mo Guan Shan to tug him back by the sleeve of his bathrobe. And He Tian was all too willing to be pulled and smashed down on the mattress, happy to share the same pillow, with Mo Guan Shan’s arm curled around his back a warm welcomed weight.
(He Tian is quick to catch on that, in the future, all he’ll ever need to do is pout and adopt a kicked-puppy look to tug at the heartstrings of Guan Shan’s bleeding heart to make him yield to whatever he wants. Later, much to He Tian’s further delight, he will find out that this only works for him. He’s glad that the feeling is very much mutual.)
Mo Guan Shan retracts his arm and puts it under the covers after a while when he’s feeling cold. He Tian, already cozy enough in just his bathrobe and content enough to lie beside Mo Guan Shan like this, lets him and doesn’t bother going under the covers.
He Tian asks if he’s asleep and Mo Guan Shan doesn’t deign to answer because it’s such a stupid question.
How can he even think about sleeping when he’s too busy trying to stop his heart from jumping out of his ribcage all because He Tian is lying there beside him? It’s so fucking stupid because it’s not like they haven’t shared a bed before, but this is just the effect He Tian has on him.
But He Tian must’ve thought he’s asleep because in the next beat, he says, “No matter where we go in the future, we have to be together, okay?”
Mo Guan Shan is reminded of that time they stayed at the motel after He Tian got into a fight with his brother and got his finances cut off.
'We are not allowed to renege.'
That’s what He Tian had said. And now he’s saying, ‘We have to go together.’
‘It’s like he’s saying goodbye but at the same time he’s not,’ is what Mo Guan Shan thinks and his mind goes back to the words on a random page in He Tian’s notebook, written in black and still visible under the lighter blue ink used to scratch it out aggressively as if an unbidden thought he never meant to manifest beyond the dark recesses of his mind.
‘Will he be sad if I leave?’
And Mo Guan Shan, against his better judgment and against the voice of reason and practicality he so clings to because he’s not sure how long this—whatever the hell this…thing between them is—is going to last, wants so desperately to answer: Yes, I will. I will be so fucking devastated. So, no, you’re damn right we’re not allowed to go back on each other, and, yes, wherever the hell we decide to go next, we have to go there together.
He may be young, but he’s not such a naive little thing, so Mo Guan Shan keeps his mouth shut and continues his pretense of sleep.
“We have to go together,” He Tian whispers more to himself as lets the words ground him. He says it with all the conviction he can muster. He says it like a promise. As if saying the words will speak the thing into reality.
There’s no guarantee, but hell if He Tian isn’t gonna try his goddamn hardest to make it happen.
But even if it doesn’t, even if He Tian fails to prevent or change the inevitable, even then he wants Mo Guan Shan to know that that’s what he wants. That even if he leaves him behind, it is only because he didn’t have any other choice.
He Tian reaches over with the ear piercer Mo Guan Shan gave him in a bid to make his promise tangible.
A hole pierced through the ear—through skin, muscle, and bone—can be a permanent thing, right? Mo Guan Shan had been the one to offer and procure the piercer, He Tian agreed and is following through, and this is just another show of devotion, isn’t it? A seemingly simple innocuous ritual, but no less sacred that will bind them together. This is just another type of forever.
He Tian is only sixteen—young, impulsive, and green—but he knows that whatever it is he feels for Mo Guan Shan now will not fade away.
Still, he hesitates.
Would Mo Guan Shan really want something permanent from He Tian? Something he would have and carry for the rest of his life? What if he wakes up one day and realizes He Tian is no good after all? That he is rotten and a curse and everything his greedy little hands touch inevitably wither away and die?
A hole pierced through the ear—skin, muscle, and bone—can be a permanent thing. Everlasting. What if a day comes when Mo Guan Shan no longer sees it as a promise but as a prison? A mark of ownership instead of devotion? A permanent scarring He Tian left him that will never heal and Mo Guan Shan will have to live with. Just like She Li did.
He Tian hesitates. Mo Guan Shan feels his hand hovering over him and doesn’t understand what he’s waiting for. It was him who asked, it was him who bought and gave him the piercer, and he has just been waiting for He Tian this whole time.
Although, he does find the usual brash and confident and arrogant He Tian hesitating…strangely endearing and so Mo Guan Shan takes pity on him and gives him the last push he needs.
He opens his eyes and almost smiles when He Tian starts.
“Wanna pierce my ear?”
What are you waiting for?
Mo Guan Shan sees the look in He Tian’s eyes and understands. Somehow, lately, he’s been finding it easy to look at He Tian and just know. He tugs down at the hand hovering over his ear, feeling the rough texture of the bandage on He Tian’s pointer finger brush the shell of his ear, and his thumb caresses its lobe. He feels nothing but anticipation and a strange kind of calm, like the relief of a well-earned surrender.
“Go ahead.”
I want this. Do it. I’m all yours.