Chapter Text
“Leo I've told you a thousand times, no eating mommy's peanut butter!" Dr. Mindy Lahiri exclaimed, picking up her 9-month-old son. Leo was currently covered in globs of the gooey substance, his mouth completely plastered. There was a whole jar of now empty peanut butter sitting on the wooden floor. The mother would be lying if she said she wasn't upset, but not just because he was destroying *her* jar of peanut butter.
"God, Morgan is the worst nanny in the world! Speaking of, where is the stupid idiot?" Mindy yelled, now scavenging her apartment for said "idiot".
After checking her bedroom and shower, Mindy finally found him sitting on the fire escape. He was on his phone, enthusiastically speaking with someone. The mother, while expertly balancing a messy Leo on her left hip, banged on the window and startled Morgan into dropping his phone.
"What the hell Dr. L! I dropped my phone!"
"You can worry about your 2000-and-late phone later! Get your ass out here!" She demanded. Leo was looking at his mother and began to giggle and smile, which resulted in Mindy blushing and kissing his peanut butter flavored cheek, despite her current state.
"Isn't he adorable?" Morgan said, now trying to get out of the situation. Mindy, under her son's spell, nodded.
"He's just the cutest, most handsomest guy I know. Look at his cheeks!" She cooed, her anger dissipating.
"Yeah, he's like a young Hugh Hefner."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Ugh, don't try to get out of this! Why did you leave my baby all alone, he could've hurt himself!"
Mindy screamed, followed by her attacking him with her right hand. Morgan dodged each blow and got a hold of her, careful not to disturb Leo.
"It was an important call! I thought if I kept him occupied he would be fine."
Mindy shook her head.
"With a jar of peanut butter he could potentially choke on! How dare you put my son's life in danger? How dare you!"
"Of c'mon Dr. L, you know he has your stomach and incredible digestive abilities."
Offended, Mindy threw a sock puppet that was laying on the floor at Morgan's head.
This resulted in Leo laughing.
Mindy looked at her son and instantly laughed too.
"It's not funny, kid! I made you that sock puppet and now it's been used as a weapon against me! Do you know how many times that's happened throughout my life?!"
"Please stop talking and help me clean him."
"Fine, but not until he says sorry."
"MORGAN"
"Okay, okay."
-
After successfully (and unsuccessfully, on Morgan's end) getting Leo cleaned up and ready for a nap, Mindy felt super accomplished which meant it was time to dive into some reality T.V.
"Goodbye Morgan, don't call me later!"
"I will!"
"Ugh."
After closing the door behind her, Mindy's phone began to ring.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Min. How's the little guy?”
The doctor frowned and tried to ignore the pang she was sure she felt in her soul, then glanced back at her son's makeshift room.
"He's fantastic."
"Great. Listen, when I come to pick him up tomorrow, I have something I want to talk about."
"Okay."
"With you, not Leo."
"Obviously."
Silence. The impatient mother waited until the voice on the other end, to her dismay, finally replied.
"So I'll see you. Tomorrow."
"He'll be thrilled."
"Bye, Min."
"Bye."
She hung up her phone then stared at it, as if it held all of the solutions to her problems. She shook her head then tossed the device on the coffee table; glad she didn't say his name.
It would of resulted in her crying all night, anyway.
-
"I swear to God Morgan, if you don't clean this up right now, I'm going to murder you! And then you'll have to come back to life and clean that mess up too!" Mindy yelled, watching as her colleague rushed to sanitize her now unsanitized countertop. While trying to make Leo a bottle of chocolate milk, he spilled the entire can of powder, ruining Mindy's much anticipated morning. Danny was less than an hour away and she liked for everything to be spotless. It was stupid, she knew, but she wanted her apartment to look its best every time he came to visit Leo or pick him up for a weekend. Ever since their "break", Mindy had been on her toes about everything. She wanted to excel at the practice, at her own business, even at something as simple as making Leo breakfast. She wanted to show Danny that without him, she could manage. She didn't need him for those things.
She just needed and very much wanted his love. That, however, wasn't something she admitted. Instead, she distanced herself from him; she pretended to hate Danny just to compensate the pain of what he did to her and it only made things worse.
"I'm sorry, Dr. L! It's just that the way you've been pacing around is making me nervous. What's gotten into you today?"
"Nothing, Morgan. Just clean it. Please."
"I am, I just wish you would stop being such a grouchy pants and talk to me-"
Mindy caught the sincere look in her friend’s eyes before he quickly looked away and got back to the cleaning the countertop.
"I'm sorry. I just- I'm okay, okay? I'm sorry for making you nervous."
"Don't worry, that's not why I dropped this anyway."
Mindy rolled her eyes then walked to her son’s room.
"Okay little man, here's the 411; daddy is gonna be here any minute and I want you to be your sweet, non-grouchy self. Just because mommy is, doesn't mean you have to be. I know you love your dad and I do too, things are just rocky right now okay? So be the cool baby you are, charm the hell out of him, and try to get that rad sweater from Carter's we both saw. Deal? Deal." She held out her pinky and felt her heart melt at the sight of Leo grasping it with his small, pudgy hand. He smiled at her and she internally swooned, picking him up out of his crib.
"Thanks sweetie, I love you."
-
"Leo, my main man!" Danny exclaimed, taking the baby from his playpen. Leo giggled as Danny tickled him; this made a jealous Mindy roll her eyes. She sat idly on the sofa and pretended to not be effected by the scene before her.
"Hey Min, nice to see you."
She cleared her throat and avoided looking up at him.
"You too."
"Did he eat?"
"Yes. We just had breakfast, actually."
"Great. I brought him some snacks. I also made you a check of $500 to go shopping for him. I would've gone this weekend but me and Ma wanna take him to the park."
"Thanks. We'll be sure to blow it all on food and apple juice. Right Leo?"
The baby smiled at his mother. Danny smiled then sat beside her.
'Too close' Mindy thought as she inched away.
"So, we need to talk."
"About?"
"About everything... About nothing. I just want us to talk." The father said, all the while gently shaking Leo and watching him laugh.
"Odd, but I'll accept."
There’s a lengthy pause that envelops the room and makes the maddening space between them on the couch seems to grow larger and larger. Mindy cannot stand to the feel the weight of the chasms raging through the small room much longer, and she speaks quickly and quietly.
"So, um, Ken Burns make any new films recently?"
Danny gives her a small smile and shakes his head, a breathy laugh escaping from his lips. "That's the question you're going with?"
Mindy joins him in his laughter and she swats his shoulder lightly, "Shut up," she giggles, "I dare you to try and do better."
"Oh, I will do better, Lahiri," he challenges her with a devilish grin, and that look on his face; it takes Mindy's breath away. The little challenge in his mannerisms and sly, surprising wit behind them that one only notices after months of living together. She misses it, misses the feel of it.
"But first, to answer your question, Lahiri," Danny continues, "Ken Burns has not graced the world with another cinematic masterpiece."
"Yeah," Mindy answered, "I knew that. I have a Google Alert for Ken Burns, if he'd made a new movie, I'd know."
Danny's voice gets a little quiet, "You have a Google Alert for Ken Burns? Like you do with that girl - what's her name - Rachel Ronald McDonald?"
"McAdams, Danny."
"Right, right, sorry."
Mindy shifts on the couch, leaning towards Danny just a little, "But yeah, I do. I mean what's the fun of watching something without all the juicy behind the scenes gossip?"
"You'd have watched the new Ken Burns movie?"
"Yeah," Mindy looks away, blushing lightly, "I mean, you know, someone I know got me really into it. Force of habit."
She peeks over at Danny and sees the small upward curve of his lips. She cannot deny that she loves when he smiles, so she turns her head to face him, and then it happens. And their eyes meet, probably accidentally, or maybe it's on purpose, neither of them could quite tell you which, but this electricity zings through Mindy to her very core, knocking the wind out of her. And yet, at the same time, just the small shy glance into his eyes, reminds her of home. Not a physical place, but self-assurance, a tether to something she can't quite place, she thinks it's probably Danny. She misses the warmth of Danny, but she cannot dwell on it much longer because her whole body feels like it's on fire. The only sound in the room is the sound of Leo shaking Danny's key ring, and the tinkling sound of the metal brings Mindy back to reality.
Mindy is the one who breaks the glance, and then gathers herself, determined to fill the silence. "So, your turn to ask a question, Caste-lame-o. Think you can do better?" She challenges him.
The devilish glint is back in Danny's eyes almost immediately, " Think I can do better? Babe, I know I can do better."
The word "babe" drops a deadly silence on the room, eschewing the assured self-confidence on Danny's face for a moment. But Mindy decides to blow past it. They haven't talked or laughed like this for a while. These were the little challenges that made their relationship so fun.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah."
"Do your worst, Castellano," Mindy says, gesturing her hands out as if to give him the floor.
Danny opens his mouth to speak, cockiness coloring his features, and then, something strange happens no sound comes out.
"What was that?" Mindy asked, "I couldn't hear you. Maybe I'm finally becoming as old and deaf as you."
"Hey," Danny fires back in a mock-offended tone, "No, I'm just making it perfect."
"Admit it, it's harder than you thought."
Danny challenges her with his eyes and he angles himself, and Leo on his lap, towards Mindy, leaning into her, "No, Lahiri, this is the easiest thing I've ever done."
Mindy can see it on his face, he's practically blowing a fuse, and she giggles uncontrollably.
"So," Danny finally asks, "Did that Kardashian lady ever have that baby with the Canway guy?"
Mindy loses it, doubled over, laughing. ‘That was your best? Oh my god, Castellano, your game as gotten to so weak. I think I need to take you to the doctor, Old Man because you just wrecked yourself.”
Danny rolls his eyes and fluffs Leo’s hair a little, “Are you gonna answer the question, Lahiri? Or are you just gonna keep gloating?”
“I think I’m gonna keep gloating if you don’t mind.”
Danny takes Leo off his lap, and swings him up in the air, shaking his little body just lightly, to make Leo giggle, “See what we have to put up with, Leo?” Danny laments to his son in a voice of fake anguish.
“Hey!” Mindy chimes back.
Danny brings Leo back down to his lap, hiding his face, behind Leo’s, and putting on a ridiculous baby voice says, “You’re right, Daddy. Mommy’s just jealous she doesn’t have mad game like you.”
“Ex-squeeze me,” Mindy retorts, clutching her chest in mock horror, “How dare you use, our beautiful mixed race son, against me? He’s clearly on my side.”
Danny scoffs back, as he hands a now squirming Leo a block from the floor, “This seems like a lot of stalling, Lahiri? Do you just not know the answer?”
Mindy takes the bait, “I do know the answer! They had the baby months ago, by the way, and his name is Saint. Saint West.”
Danny stands down, incredulous, “His name is Saint? Are they even Catholic? And what if they are Catholic and he becomes a Saint? Would be named Saint the Saint? What a mockery.”
Mindy snorts, “I knew you’d say that. I almost texted you about it a while ago.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you,” Danny questions, his attention piqued.
“I don’t know,” she answered, “I figured you wouldn’t care about the Kardashians now that you aren’t obligated to by being bound to the same one and only television.”
“I was never obligated to care,” Danny answers back, “But I have to admit, I miss watching that crazy family. I might even watch some of them later tonight after I get this little guy to sleep.”
“Really,” Mindy said, perking up, “You, Danny Castellano, watching the Kardashians?”
“Yeah,” Danny smiles, “Force of habit.”
And their eyes meet again, and this time, it is no accident, and Mindy is a goner. Her eyes bore into his chocolate-brown eyes, so warm and inviting, yet biting and full of passion. And she’s helpless to their enchantment, the whims of her self-control spiraling out around her. She wants to kiss him, consume him, she hugs want to hug her, feel the weight of her against him, or maybe she wants to shake him around, shake him for making her choose this. But she doesn’t do any of this; instead, she sits there, motionless, because no matter what she wants to do, she can’t. There’s a baby on his lap, and they are separated, and nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same. This time, Danny breaks the glance, and Mindy is relieved, able to finally breathe again, now that his eyes have trained themselves on something else.
Danny speaks first, his voice gruff, “So, I noticed you moved the crib.” Mindy had had to move the crib out of the closet a few days ago, after one of Morgan’s more disastrous babysitting jobs. The crib now sat at the mouth of the door to her room, just at the edge of her bed.
“Yeah,” Mindy explained, “The other night Morgan was giving me an update on Leo, and he mentioned that he told me that he ‘really liked that the window was right by the crib and how Leo could make his escape through there or something’. Anyways, I realized I probably don’t want Morgan near both a window and my child at the same time, so I moved it.”
“Smart call,” Danny nods along. A beat ensues and Danny continues, “Has the money been enough?”
“Danny,” Mindy starts, but Danny cuts her off.
“Just humor me, okay,” Danny cuts in.
“Danny, of course, it’s enough,” Mindy sighs, “You know that it’s enough and you know that I don’t like taking your money. Just please stop it, stop asking every time you see me. If it’s a problem, I’ll bring it up, okay?”
“I’m sorry,” Danny’s voices rises in anger, but still conscious of Leo perched on his lap,” Excuse me for trying to support my child the only way I can considering that you-“
Mindy shoots off the couch and cuts him off, “Stop, stop it,” she takes Leo off Danny’s lap and places him in his playpen, “Stop guilting me. I don’t deserve it and it’s not productive.”
Danny stands up to follow suit, “I’m not guilting you, Mindy.”
Mindy tries to keep her composure, but she couldn’t, her voice cracking in her response, “Yes, you are! You are, Danny! You feel so guilty and you want me to feel just as terrible as you. But I already do, Danny, I feel guilty every minute of every day. You don’t need to make me feel guilty, Danny, I already do. You don’t need to try to hurt me more because that doesn’t do anything, it just hurts both of us.”
“Maybe you feel bad because you made the wrong decision,” Danny fires back.
“No, Danny,” Mindy retorts, “I didn’t make the wrong decision. I made the right decision. I needed to make a decision that you wouldn’t. I had to make the best decision for me, for you, and for our son. I shouldn’t have to compromise who I am to be with you and I shouldn’t have to choose between the things I love. I couldn’t keep holding my tongue and compromising myself in ways I knew I would resent you for. That’s not a healthy family, and I had to leave.”
“I don’t understand why you got to make that decision for our whole family.”
“Are you serious?” Mindy laughs bitterly, “You’ve made tons of decisions for this family without me and I supported you! I supported you, and I trusted you, and I respected you. I respected that you had our family’s best interests at heart. But you don’t grant me the same grace. You don’t act like my partner, you act like a judge ready to sentence me something as little as saying the wrong word.”
“Mindy, that’s ridiculous, I respect you and I trust you,” Danny counters, his hands moving desperately.
Mindy calms her stance, “That may be true, and I don’t doubt that you believe that, but you don’t act on it. I can’t be the wife of someone who doesn’t respect my career or me. And you aren’t in a place where you can give me the support I need, or maybe you are, but you are just too damn stubborn. We need space, we can’t keep yelling at each other.”
“But families don’t need space, families don’t just leave. That’s not what relationships need. Distance didn’t help me and Christina and it didn’t help you and Casey. Distance didn’t help my mom, did it?”
Mindy softens, just a little, “Danny, I’m not your mom. I have you, you are a good father and Leo is loved. We are doing a good job. And I’m not my mom either, and I don’t want to be my mom. I don’t want to be sixty years old, pursuing a career I had to give up, and I don’t want to resent you. You promised to let me be a Mom the way I know how, and you need to let me. This is how I know how. ”
Danny is resigned, “I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, neither do I, why do you think I’m here?”
“I don’t know. I just assumed it was because you wanted to leave me. That you were done with me– like my dad or Christina.”
“Danny…” Mindy tries to interject.
“No,” Danny cut her off, “Let me finish, please. I know this is my own bullshit, I know, Mindy. Don't you think I know that? But I don’t know how to fix that and I don’t know how to be everything you need me to be either. I want to be supportive and want all the same things as you at the same time you do, but I don’t know how to do all that without you.”
“Danny, we won’t always want the same things at the same time, and if we don’t, we have to talk about it, you can’t just make accusations and expect things to change. You need to let it be okay for me to be me and you to be you, that doesn’t make us bad parents.”
“I know that, Mindy,” Danny said, “Our strengths and weaknesses are supposed to balance one another or whatever.”
“No, Danny, I don’t think you do know that,” Mindy counters, “ You’re so scared all the time. You’re scared so you act selfish and controlling and try to keep everything a certain way, but it’s not fair, to you or me, and all it results in is us lashing out and hurting each other.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Danny breathes.
“I know,” Mindy breathes back.
“But I don’t know how we fix this. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“Danny, don’t you get it?” Mindy answers, “That’s why I’m here because we can’t start to fix things when all we did was fight and have sex, and then do it all over again. We can’t keep burning ourselves in close corridors, or else we’ll burn the whole house down. I can’t light myself on fire to let the light of this relationship burn, and I can’t let you do that to yourself either. So we take space to let the ashes clear so they don’t fill our lungs.”
“I love you.”
“I know you do.”
“I love you and if we were in one of those damn movies you loved just the idea of love would be enough. What a scam, Nora Ephron.”
“I know.”
Danny gives an ultimatum, “I’m not giving up.”
“I know,” Mindy responds, “And I’m not giving up either.”
“Good.” Danny breaks eye contact with Mindy and looks at the clock, “We should probably getting going. Leo and I are scheduled to meet Ma soon.”
Mindy grabs Leo out of the playpen and gives him quick hugs and kisses goodbye that make the baby squirm and giggle. Danny takes the baby from her arms, and without thinking, kisses her on the cheek. The room stops, everything is still, even Leo. And then everything springs back into action and words come tumbling out of Danny’s mouth.
“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”
“No, it’s okay,” Mindy responds, shell-shocked, “Force of habit, right?”
Danny smiles, “Yeah, force of habit.”
As they wave their goodbyes, and Danny is almost out the door, chic diaper bags in tow, Mindy stops him.
“Danny, wait! ” she calls out. He turns around slowly.
“Yeah?”
“Maybe, we could talk again tonight? Before bed?”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Mindy rambles, “But I mean only if you want to and I know you’re busy but-“
“I’d like that,” Danny agrees. He closes the door, smiling.
And Mindy collapses to the ground, his smile weakening her knees in ways she wishes it wouldn’t. “Damn it,” she moans, “Force of habit.”