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It was a fall day as Levi sat in the window of the headquarters of Trost. He often did, it was nice to look over the city and to clear his head. There wasn’t much else that he could do right now. Not even from the infirmary where the view wasn’t as nice as his own office.
The view was nowhere as nice as in Erwin’s office.
His leg laid outstretched in front of him. His ankle had been wrapped up this morning again by the medic. It was bruised, swollen and he knew that having fought in Stohess hadn’t helped.
Four days ago, his ankle had sustained a big blow as he had tried to fight Annie in the forest. Even if he said that it wasn’t that bad, his ankle hurt worse after helping when Stohess had been torn down.
This morning he had told them he would leave the infirmary, but he had a slight limp he could not hide as his ankle did hurt.
The medic had gone off at him for even going to Stohess to assist in the battle. He had been told that his ankle had swollen worse again, that he had made it worse. If it hadn’t been broken yet, it may well be now.
He wouldn’t have changed his actions though. Erwin had commanded him and he followed. He always followed.
Then why? Why did Erwin almost go somewhere where he couldn’t follow?
The sole reason Levi hadn’t just left against the staff’s wishes was because Erwin laid in a room down the hall.
He had spent days now here in the infirmary waiting for a sign of life from Erwin. It was two days ago since he had lost his arm and had been brought in here, having lost so much blood that nobody knew if he was going to live.
He had wanted to see Erwin, had even gone to the room and asked to be let in.
The only medic that hadn’t been scared of him had given him a stern talking to. Told him to sit down and give his ankle some actual rest.
He had finally agreed. Not because he thought he needed the rest. But because he knew Erwin would need him in fighting condition again when he did wake.
While Erwin was in a deep sleep, Levi didn’t manage to find much sleep.
All he could think about was how maybe things could have been different if he had been there. He could have saved Erwin from this fate, perhaps.
Levi was still in the infirmary a few days later. He hadn’t cussed the medics out in days. As much as he didn’t want to be here, it was the one way he could be even slightly close to Erwin as they waited for news. They hadn’t told anybody how Erwin was doing. Levi was well aware it was because they didn't know if Erwin was going to pull through.
With Erwin in here as well, he had gladly taken their fussing over him the last few days. Even if he still hated them being so concerned with him and being so insistent on checking his ankle, it meant that he got to be close to Erwin.
He picked up on news as they discussed his state. It was enough that Levi knew he had lost his arm and he had fallen into a coma that had lasted almost a week at this point. He had not been allowed to see him, no matter how much he insisted that he should be allowed to as his Captain.
The worst part for Levi was that he couldn't even tell them how close they really were.
Deep down he knew that it was because Erwin was in bad shape. He hadn’t been there when the wagon with the wounded came back and hadn’t seen Erwin. All he had seen was the grave expression of people walking around the room where Erwin was kept.
Leaving his room, he was as quiet as possible as he walked to the room where the medics often sat. He lingered around the door, trying to hear if they were talking about Erwin.
Not much news came, and eventually he hobbled back to his own room.
Fuck, he felt pathetic. Erwin had been unconscious for almost a week now and he looked like a dog not being able to find his owner.
He missed Erwin, he missed talking to him.
Levi wasn’t a big talker, but it was different with Erwin. Erwin would talk for hours on end. About silly facts, about theories and sometimes about nothing at all. Yet, Levi hung on his lips for every word, adoring his enthusiasm and knowledge.
He missed those conversations now. It felt strange how much things had changed between them in only a few years. From the commander he was to kill to being the most important person in his life.
That night, he didn’t sleep again. Closing his eyes, he could only think about how scared Erwin must have been and how much pain he must have been in. How lonely he must have felt.
Had he missed Levi?
There was one more thing he kept thinking about, something that he didn’t even want to think about as he knew it would bring him to tears. It would make him things about feelings that he was scared to think about.
How much he loved Erwin.
Levi heard them talk about Erwin finally having woken up this morning. Insisting again to see him, Levi wasn’t sure if he somehow sounded more persuasive or if they were sick of him asking and complaining. Or if this particular medic was scared of him. Had at least seemed so.
Levi had reached his goal though, he was allowed to be with Erwin and that was all that mattered to him. Luckily even without letting on how desperate he was to see Erwin again.
He felt so lost without Erwin here. Not just because Erwin was his commander.
Levi felt so much more for Erwin. Feelings that he didn’t allow to even acknowledge but still steered him into this room now.
Levi’s step came to a halt as he reached the door. He was unsure as to why his heart was racing. Standing still for a few seconds, he didn’t manage to raise his hand to knock on the door for another few seconds. His blood turned into ice, worried how he would find Erwin on the other side of that door.
Honestly, he didn’t want to knock on the door. His mind wanted to blame it on the fact that he had just washed his hands before going on here. He knew that there was still concern about infection.
But the real reason was that he was scared to see Erwin. Not because his arm was missing. But seeing his leader, the man that almost directed his every thought in a day so hurt was going to be hard on him. He knew it.
Just like it was going to be hard on him to see the man that he adored and loved in so much pain.Knocking on the door, no reply came. Levi opened the door very slowly. It was inaudible, years of sneaking around the underground having led to him being so quiet and light on his feet. Opening the door and slipping in, he took a deep breath before he walked to the bed.
Erwin was in the bed, his face ashen - surely to blame on all the blood loss. Levi took a deep breath before he walked closer. His attention was drawn by the empty spot under the blanket by the side of him.
Seeing it, his eyes darted away because he was so scared to acknowledge that his arm was really gone.
His hair wasn’t modeled like it usually was. Erwin always took great care in that. After almost a week, Erwin had grown a beard. Levi felt his heart flutter for a second, thought it looked so good on him. Yet that flutter turned into great sadness as well with how hurt Erwin looked.
But with just this view, he had found out so much more about the man that was digging his way into his heart.
His blonde hair was tacked onto his forehead from the sweat, Levi had no doubt that it was the fever causing it that he had heard the staff talk about.
Levi saw the basin with water and the cloth on the nightstand. Draining most of the water out of the cloth, he wiped it over Erwin’s forehead. Folding it and carefully putting it down, he finally took a seat by him. Taking great care, he started to model his hair slightly, away from his forehead.
Anything to make things feel normal, anything to help Erwin feel better.
Sitting down on the stool beside his bed, he stretched his own leg. He knew the pain in his ankle was to blame on him pacing down the hallway for hours, waiting until he could finally be with Erwin.
He reached out his hand, stopping halfway as he noticed the empty spot in the bed where his hand would have been – not there for Levi to take.
His heart seemed to skip a beat, a sob stuck in his throat as the reality set in.
The hand with which he had taken Levi’s hand that night on the wall and that had been the first time that Levi had dared to trust Erwin. The hand holding that had led into a kiss.
Maybe even the night where had finally been sure that he loved the man - even if he had never dared to tell him too.
Now it had almost been too late for Levi to tell Erwin.
Erwin’s lips were slightly apart and Levi heard the soft moans although Erwin seemed barely aware. Levi couldn’t imagine the world of pain he had to be in.
He felt a faint layer of tears form in his eyes as he saw the man he adored and respected so much so hurt. Trying to swallow was hard as he tried to push the tears back. He worried that staff might come in and see him cry. He knew they would never let him hear the end of it. He would probably even have to confess his feelings for Erwin and get him and Erwin into more shit.
Taking a deep breath, he looked up, waiting for the tears to finally retreat from his eyes.
Erwin mumbled something Levi could not work out of nowhere. Levi looked down and moved a little closer, caressing the side of his face. Erwin seemed out of it, not aware that he was even really there. Wiping the sweat of his brow again, he hoped Erwin would speak again.
He sat by his bedside for hours, wiping the sweat of Erwin’s brow as Erwin mumbled and moaned something sometimes, but was too out of it to actually know what was happening.
It gave Levi some comfort, even just being by him, seeing that he was alive and still with him. Even if it was hard to see him having lost his arm and Levi didn’t want to think about all that that meant for his future and his independence. For his work as a commander.
It wasn’t something Levi was concerned about right now. Not the work, just the man that he adored so much.
Erwin coughed, looking at Levi as he felt a little more aware.
“‘Bout time you joined us,” Levi just teased him to keep from crying.
“Huh,” Erwin just mumbled, confused as he wasn’t sure where he was. It all settled when he noticed Levi.
Erwin’s eyes seemed a little clearer and Levi saw the hint of a sparkle in his eyes as he finally realized that Levi was sitting by him.
Levi helped him sit up a little to take a few sips of water. With all the sweating Levi worried about him getting dehydrated.
Erwin didn’t dare to meet his eyes as he took a few sips. Everything was coming back to him, his mind finally realizing what had happened a few days ago. The searing pain where his arm had once been made that hard to forget though.
Erwin couldn’t look at Levi, knew that he would not be able to contain the tears. That he had to show Levi how much he was really hurting and how close he had been to leaving Levi all on his own.
Levi sat on the edge of his bed and Erwin noticed that Levi looked just as distraught as he felt and was fighting tears as well. He tried not to think about the fact that Levi was sitting right where his arm should have been. That he would never hold Levi with that arm and hand again.
No longer being able to keep his tears to himself, he started to cry, Levi pressing a kiss on his forehead.
No words were said and no words were needed. All they needed was to find comfort with each other.
Levi just sat with him, wiping the tears away with his thumbs as he cradled Erwin’s face. Sitting here with him, this was the only thing he could do. All he could do was hope to give him a little comfort.
“You are going to be okay,” Levi told him, the hardness he usually held in his face softening as he looked at Erwin. Laying his forehead against Erwin’s, he held a few of the tears stream down his cheek that he had tried so desperately to hold.
Holding each other close, Erwin got a short respite from the pain as Levi took his mind off it. Just like Erwin took his mind from the pain.
Levi held him down as the medics tightened the bandages even more around the stump. The painkillers they had given him hardly helped. Levi was strong enough to keep him down, no matter how small he was. Nobody questioned it – they knew how freakishly strong Levi was even when his body was so small.
Looking at Erwin it was clear that he found some comfort in Levi being the one to hold him.
Levi had even snarled at them not to do it, seeing how much it hurt Erwin. They kept telling him it was important for his stump to heal well. Levi wanted to tell them to stop, seeing how much pain Erwin was in - even if it needed to be done. Checking up a few more things, the medics soon left him alone.
Levi took his hand again as they closed the door, caressing over Erwin’s hand with his other.
Erwin’s face was covered in sweat again, the fever still not even gone and the pain not having helped.
His eyes were almost falling shut as Levi fussed over him again, cleaning his face and tucking him in. It felt strange. He had never expected Levi to be so caring.
Erwin didn’t complain and Levi was not sure if it was because he didn’t want to argue, or if it did make him feel a little bit better.
He still didn’t manage to breathe easily and panted. He wanted to complain as Levi helped him sit up. Erwin was so tired he didn’t manage to whine as Levi wiped his forehead with one of the wet cloths again, dipping into the water and so gently wiping his forehead as he did.
“You’re okay,” Levi told him, stating it more as a fact than a question as he pressed a kiss on his forehead after wiping the sweat away again.
Erwin chuckled for a second, still surprised by how sweet Levi was to him.
Moans still came from Erwin’s mouth, the stump of his arm hurting and Levi wished he could take some of his pain away.
Levi wrapped one of his shirts over his shoulders. Erwin tried not to look at the empty sleeve hanging by his side. Looking at Levi made that a little easier. At least Levi so far seemed to be so good around him.
Even if he had had barely any coherent thoughts the last few days, he had worried about Levi showing up at his bedside eventually. Levi and him had only gotten so close recently and even as he had laid in the cart back to Trost, looking at the sky, he had worried that Levi would react to seeing him again.
His one regret of being grabbed by the titan and his arm being bitten off, was that Levi was not with him. He was well aware that Levi would probably not be able to save him. He just hated the idea that he had almost died so far away from Levi.
The raven haired man had taken over his thoughts, maybe it was why he had been so distracted when it came to the charge.
Now his mind kept wandering to those few weeks ago they had met up on the wall at night and he had taken Levi’s hand with his hand that was now gone. He didn’t get long to linger on it as Levi softly kissed his jaw.
There was a soft touch to Levi’s face as he kept wiping his forehead, tending to his every whim. Erwin felt almost guilty, wishing that Levi was not here with him. Yet it brought him some comfort and made all of it a little easier.
“Levi,” Erwin sighed, still feeling so weak and tired from the fever. He wanted to tell him so much and his mind was racing to the meeting he would have tomorrow to talk about all that had happened with Pyxis and Levi.
Levi let go of him as there was a knock on the door, sitting back with not a sign of how close they had been just seconds before.
Food was served to the both of them. The staff had told Levi to get out, but Erwin had said that he wanted his captain to stay. Levi knew there were many more reasons than him being the captain for him wanting to stay, but they were still keeping their love for each other a secret to the rest of the Corps.
Levi put the napkin in the collar of the t-shirt he was wearing. Checking if there was nothing to be cut, he didn’t want to frustrate Erwin who would have to eat with just his one arm.
Erwin was clumsy as he ate with his left hand. Levi cleaned up around him, not even listening as Erwin told him he didn’t need to do that.
“I’m sorry,” Levi just told him, half under his breath.
“For what?” Erwin wondered with a frown as he was not sure what he was even apologizing for. He had been a saint these last twenty-four hours.
“I wasn’t there when you needed me – and now you have lost your arm,” Levi mumbled, frustrated as he didn’t look up. He was only frustrated with himself though, going through his mind every time about how he had messed up not being there with Erwin.
“You being there would have not changed a thing, Levi,” Erwin told him, not even remembering fully what had happened. One of the other scouts that was there would have to tell him. He knew that Levi needed to hear about it not being his fault. Because it wasn’t.
“I can’t believe you almost died,” Levi finally told him, his voice breaking and his eyes insecure, scared. Erwin was taken aback, never having seen him like this. Levi had never been scared, not when he had chased him in the Underground. Not even a hundred titans could seem to scare Levi.
He looked scared now though.
“Not going anywhere,” Erwin promised him.
“You better not! If you ever leave me, I will kill you,” Levi threatened him, at a loss in his own emotions.
“I don’t think it works like that if I die…” Erwin pointed out, trailing off as he saw the hurt in Levi’s face.
Erwin saw the changes in his face for just a second again. Levi never showed those emotions, those tiny chips in the strong façade he had built for himself. One where he didn’t have to let anyone close to him and see his hurt. See the thoughts that kept him up at night when he couldn’t go to sleep.
Erwin knew how to get close to him though, only after Levi had allowed him to be. And even that was still very recent.
Levi needed reassurance too, not with words, but with touches.
“Come here?” Erwin offered him to move a little closer.
Levi finally did and Erwin could pull him closer with his left arm now. Levi laid down with his head against Erwin’s chest. Even when he felt so much uncertainty and grief, he felt a lot better being close to Erwin again.
His shirt held that familiar smell. The smell that made him feel so safe.
Erwin wanted to caress through his raven locks, adoring those so much. Realizing that he couldn’t now that his arm and hand were gone, he just bent forward ever so slightly so he could rest his tired body on Levi’s.
Closing his eyes, the feeling on his fingers of Levi seemed to close yes so far. It was hard to realize that it was only a few days ago he had combed through his hair with those fingers, with the hand that he had just lost.
He didn’t want to lament on it – he couldn’t, he knew that if he wasn’t strong, he couldn’t be strong for Levi and even though Levi would never say it, Levi needed him to be strong. Levi needed his leadership. Levi needed his love.
And he needed Levi, just as much as Levi needed him.
“Damaged goods now, just when I started to seduce you,” Erwin broke the silence after a while as he held Levi. He wasn’t sure if the full shock had set in, but laying here with Levi, all he could think about was how grateful he was to be here with him.
“I can wipe your ass if needed,” Levi just chuckled, hoping to keep things light before he would really break down. He wanted to stay strong for Erwin still, not show the cracks that he felt in his composure seeing Erwin so hurt. It was hard to see because Erwin was always so strong, so sure of himself.
“Won’t be needed,” Erwin chuckled at him.
“Nothing changed about how I feel about you – even though I do think you are a fool for almost getting yourself killed,” Levi told him. He felt his cheeks burn, slightly embarrassed over his feelings. They were natural, but he wasn’t used to showing them.
“Just don’t go where I can’t follow,” Levi finally told him.
Erwin knew that was something he could never promise Levi. He knew it could be over any day and he would eventually find the death that he had sent so many scouts into.
“I promise,” he finally told Levi though, sealing that promise with a kiss.
“You were mumbling something yesterday…what was it?” Levi wondered, not sure if the man would even remember it.
“I love you.”
Levi sat up, looking at him with big eyes.
“It’s what I mumbled, yesterday,” Erwin told him, his eyebrows soft as he caressed the side of Levi’s face.
“I was worried that I couldn't ever tell you,” Erwin admitted as he kept looking at Levi. The man still seemed shell-shocked to hear those words that meant everything. Finally, Levi nodded and said the words that had been on his mind for so long, yet he hadn’t been able to say.
“I love you too.”