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To be fair, it has been months since they've seen each other.
If you don't count the quick glances when they pass each other by the company's hallways, she'd say it's been months. Maybe, a year? She's not sure.
If you don't count the number of times she just happened to pass by Red Velvet's practice room when the younger group is rehearsing—
Ugh.
It's tough to count the days since you last saw a person when you see each other frequently but do not really see each other.
Does that make sense?
Probably not.
"This is very unusual for you," she hears her co-member say. "You're nervous. But it's just a radio show."
Hyoyeon isn't one to pull back punches. Not intentionally. She's just really crass by nature.
"You know it's not just a radio show," she tells her long-time friend.
Hyoyeon chuckles, smirking lopsidedly as if she's teasing her. "I know."
They did rounds of voting, deciding who will appear on certain shows to promote their new music.
And for the life of her, Taeyeon doesn't understand how she ended up as the one who shows up here. They all know their history—or the lack of it? Almost but not quite?
Juhyun at one point called her the one that got away—to which Taeyeon responded with a loud, resounding no.
In her defense, she was drunk that night. It was the alcohol that made her think she cannot be the one that got away because their story isn't over.
But that was just the alcohol. Just the alcohol.
Taeyeon shakes her head, trying to clear her mind.
Hyoyeon is right, this isn't her.
It's just a radio show.
No big deal.
***
Turns out—it is, in fact, a big deal.
She knew this the moment the producer signaled for them to come into the booth. That was the moment her heart just started pounding against her chest.
She releases a breath, her anxiety slowly bubbling up from the base of her throat.
"It's cold in there, right?" she asks suddenly. "I'll just grab a jacket."
She halts her steps and makes a move to go back to the waiting room in an attempt to stall the inevitable. But the universe isn't on her side today.
Their manager stops her, grabbing her gently by the wrist. "It's not cold in there. If it is, we'll get you a jacket on the first break. The segment's about to start."
"Okay," she gives in, realizing that there's really no turning back.
As she steps inside the booth, she instantly sees her.
Seungwan.
Or Wendy for most people.
But she's always been just Seungwan to her—her little ray of sunshine, someone who will always give her a smile when their eyes meet across the room.
Well, at least, she used to.
Now, the girl looks at her like she has questions. The girl looks at her like she's wondering what happened.
If Taeyeon's going to be really, really honest, the answer to that is nothing.
Nothing happened.
And perhaps that's where the trouble is.
"Hyoyeon-sunbaenim, Taeyeon-sunbaenim," she hears Wendy say softly, bowing to them to show respect.
For a moment, Taeyeon wonders why she's being formal. She has long dropped the formalities for them (especially for her) but then—
"Yah, WanD is so professional," Hyoyeon kids, laughing.
Wendy laughs, her eyes fixed on Hyoyeon, "I was advised to keep it at sunbaenim today so our listeners don't get thrown off by the informality."
Hyoyeon nods, "Okay, okay. So professional."
Taeyeon wanted to say something but she's suddenly out of words when Seungwan finds her eyes.
They hold gazes for two agonizing seconds before Taeyeon looks away, unable to control the way her heart sort of skips.
If Seungwan was, in any way, affected by being in the same room as hers, she doesn't show it. Or at least she tries not to.
But Taeyeon knows her.
It is amazing how she still knows her.
***
The entire segment goes on without a hitch.
Career- and music-related topics were thrown here and there, and Taeyeon likes to think that she and Hyoyeon did their jobs well.
That's a consolation she will take because as she sits there, the whole time, she couldn't bear to look at the DJ.
She couldn't bear the way Wendy looks at her or the way she always nervously fiddles with her hair, anxiously tucking it behind her ears from time to time.
Hyoyeon and Wendy exchange stories during breaks. A few moments, Taeyeon felt brave and joined them, even laughed with them but she doesn't look at her, does her best to find something else her eyes can be fixed on or else...
Or else...
She feels Hyoyeon nudge her by the knee, knocking her out of the internal turmoil she was in.
Wendy had asked her a question about the comeback and her brain caught up just in time to give an eloquent answer, or at least something that makes sense.
She hopes Wendy doesn't see through her. Or if she does see, she hoped the girl would just ignore it.
It's better for them to just pass each other by the hallway and pretend everything's okay.
That way, Taeyeon's guilt won't eat up at her.
That way, she won't always need to look Wendy in the eyes and see her heart break over and over.
She doesn't need the reminder that she's the one behind it.
The shadow that now sometimes blocks her light, Taeyeon is the one that put it there.
She's holding the knife responsible for the wound that up to this day still makes Wendy bleed.
She once again shakes her head.
Focus.
This isn't the time for feelings.
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The segment is done before she knows it.
She will have to review this whole interview to just get a grasp on what she said because, to be honest, she wasn't truly in it.
She was there but her mind is elsewhere.
Taeyeon, sitting in front of the woman who she once held close, was thinking of the past—a useless recollection of events that led them to where they are today. As strangers.
Or ghosts that hold familiar, lingering memories of what they once were.
This was the first time in a very long time that she had allowed herself to dwell on it. She's really gotten good at not acknowledging her pain—but she guesses today's not one of those days.
Today, her pain sits in front of her with forced smiles and wandering eyes. And Taeyeon still has to physically stop herself from reaching over and extending a hand, hoping that a single connection can magically erase all the pain she's put her through.
But that's not possible.
She has hundreds of songs that prove some hurts don't ever truly heal.
"Ehem," Hyoyeon clears her throat, snapping her out of her thoughts.
It's only when she realizes that the DJ has already said her closing spiel for the segment.
Like a knee-jerk reaction, the guests say their goodbyes easily.
This goodbye is something she can do with ease. Years of practiced farewells and promises to see each other again.
However, what comes next is something she forgot to prepare herself for.
Funny how she'd tuned in to this radio ever since she became the DJ, and somehow—somehow she forgot about the part where they take have to take pictures together.
Cruel, she thinks, how the universe throws you a curve ball; and when you manage to dodge it, it comes back twice as powerful. Then, you realize it's not a ball at all but a boomerang.
And it's always going to swing until it hits you.
Today, the boomerang hits her. And it absolutely cuts her in half.
"Stand there," the producer points at the spot next to Wendy.
And Taeyeon just internally panics.
She's completely unprepared for the moment she's going to stand next to her again.
It shouldn't be big deal. It's not.
It's just a picture, and they're just two idols who happen to be in the same place and time.
Yet, it feels like the big bang. Her heart feels like it's about to shatter to pieces and form secret universes from the pieces of what's left of her.
This is the effect Wendy has on her. This is also what scares her the most.
"Can we bring the dogs?" she says, pulling in the dog card out of nowhere.
What?
"What?" Wendy asks her, eyes wide in confusion.
"The dogs."
"Oh—sure."
The staff brings in both Zero and Venus, and hands them to their respective owners.
Fuck.
Taeyeon internally panics because goddamnit!
Zero wags his tail as Taeyeon holds him, his head turning to Wendy whose attention is on Venus.
They say dogs have got amazing memory, and Taeyeon never really took that seriously until now. Zero just begs for Wendy's attention the way he always did when the girl would come to her house.
But Wendy refuses to give him the attention. So the dog just continues to look back and forth between her and Wendy; sort of gets anxious because Wendy just wouldn't pet him.
And why wouldn't she pet him? Kind of rude to take her anger out on the dog.
Taeyeon internally pouts and then, she's panicking again because they're done taking pictures and the next thing she knows...
Wendy snakes an arm around her waist, bidding her goodbyes to the both of them. She's got Hyoyeon in a half-hug on the other side while she clings to Taeyeon in the slightest bit—
And that touch just electrifies her, and again brings up feelings that shouldn't be here.
So, she says something really, incredibly careless.
"You did so well," she tells her and she means it. Wendy has grown so much. She deserves to know it, too.
There was a split-second moment where Wendy just stares but she's quick on her feet and tells Taeyeon thanks.
Then, Taeyeon's stupid mouth just decided to go rogue today.
"Take care of yourself. You look like you haven't been eating enough."
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
"Uh—yeah," is all the other singer could say, obviously taken aback by what she said.
Why the fuck did she even say that? She can't say that.
She lost the right to say things like that to her when she broke her heart.
They leave the booth after that and the DJ has to stand by for her next segment.
Thank God because Taeyeon doesn't think she could handle it anymore.
This is not the time to doubt the decision she made back then.
She heard Wendy's already seeing someone new.
It took all of her not to ask who.
***
The ride home is quiet.
Taeyeon is thankful her friend brought her own ride because she really doesn't need Hyoyeon to tease her.
She sits by the backseat of her car, staring out the window. The whole city passes her in a blur.
With her head leaning on the headrest, her thoughts instantly go to Seungwan. As it always does when the night settles and all she's left with are her thoughts.
She remembers how she had laughed earlier every time Hyoyeon threw a punchline. She's hit with this terrible realization that she still remembers how her laugh sounds like.
She still remembers how her eyes would sparkle when she talks about music, when they used to talk about singing, of being on stage.
Of how they both hate the attention but also, crave it. Of how they both could sing all their lives as long as someone is listening.
Of how they promised that they'll always be listening. To each other. No matter where they end up going.
Taeyeon closes her eyes, taking herself back to when Wendy used to tell her stories about her day; when Wendy used to ask about her dreams.
She remembers how she would quietly listen, and then talk endlessly about the future.
Their future.
She sounded sincere... and sure. And it truly scared Taeyeon how sure Wendy was of her.
This industry is cruel and just downright punishing.
She wasn't sure if could be the girl Wendy sees in the future; or if she's capable at all of becoming somebody's future.
That's where the trouble is, really. She wanted the comfortable and all Taeyeon had was pain.
She sighs heavily, frustrated by the way her mind often still wonders. What if she'd been brave enough to see it through?
What if she'd believed in herself enough to hold another person's heart in her hands?
What if she'd believed in Wendy when she said she can be patient?
She still remembers the way Wendy's voice trembled when she said, don't hurt me like this.
And she still remembers the sound of her footsteps when she decided to do the complete opposite.
There was an exit.
And she took it.
***
When she gets home, she checks her phone and sees that their group chat has once again blown up.
She doesn't bother to check it.
Taeyeon knows what they're saying.
If Hyoyeon has anything to say about it, she's sure they're talking about her and she's had enough flashbacks today that she might actually throw up.
She scans through her messages until she sees Kibum's name. She opens his message.
You did well today.
Just like he'd promised, he listened to today's radio. She punches a quick reply.
Did I? I wasn't sure. She was making my knees wobbly.
The response is almost immediate.
HAHAHAHA. It showed. But perhaps only to those who know you. From an outsider's perspective, you did well.
She sighs as she sits on the sofa, plopping lazily next to her dog that's already almost sound asleep.
Did I make a mistake? She asks, although the answer scares her.
On the radio show?
She rolls her eyes. You know what I mean.
The three dots appear on her screen and it almost drives her insane. It disappears, as though he had stopped typing. And then it's back.
It takes a few seconds before she receives his response.
You're the only one who knows the answer to that.
"Ugh," she grunts, tossing her phone toward the other end of the ouch. "Nonsense."
She rests her back against the couch and looks up at the ceiling.
Of course, she knows the answer.
She had known it the second she left.
***
The next time they see each other, it's by the hallway.
Wendy is headed to the practice room, and Taeyeon is on her way out.
On another day, Taeyeon would've kept her head low and kept her eyes on the ground. On another day, she would've just let her walk past her.
But somehow, today feels different.
She doesn't know what wills her to do so but she stops in her tracks and calls for her name.
"Seungwan-ah," she says softly.
Her heart is banging against her chest and her hands are shaking. She didn't need to do this but she's stubborn.
Maybe, it is time to admit some of her pain is self-inflicted, too.
"Hmm?" the younger girl hums, turning to her with the most neutral expression she's seen on her.
On another day, she would've smiled at her.
On another day, Wendy would close the distance between them and calm her raging heart.
In another universe, in any other universe that is not this, Taeyeon deserves her.
"I—" she stutters.
Wendy only stares.
"The other day, at Youngstreet. You did so well."
"You said that already," she responds; and it shocks Taeyeon how angry she is. "So, what did you really want to say?"
No, not angry.
She's hurt.
Somehow, Taeyeon is still hurting her.
"I—uh," what else is there to say? "Nothing."
Wendy nods as if she confirmed something. "That's what I thought," Wendy says before turning on her heels and carrying on.
Taeyeon is left standing there, watching her go. Her sunshine, the light of her life just walked away from her, leaving her with grim darkness.
Her heart is stuck in her throat and she's scared that everyone will hear the sound of her silent scream.
There's a grand, agonizing realization that hits her.
As the other girl walks away and turns the corner, she realizes Wendy could've loved her forever.
And in another universe, Taeyeon would let her.
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