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"Mind if I join you?"
He finds you out on the blacony of your apartment, where you've taken a bit of refuge from the joyful chaos going on in your living room; you'd known what you were getting into when you'd offered your solo-rented place for the annual New Year's Eve get-together, but your selectively extroverted social batteries were never going to hold up the entire evening. Chan knows this, of course, knows you possibly better than you know yourself - of course he'd know where you would scupper off to for a quick recharge.
Despite your waning energy, you're glad to see him - Chan is a calming presence, warm and quietly bright, like a sunset in autumn. You return his smile easily as you move just a couple of inches to the side as if to give him room, inviting him and his half-full bottle of beer over. He copies your stance, planting his arms on the rails as he looks up at the as-yet quiet night sky with a soft grin that does little to hide the dip in his cheeks that you're so fond of.
You're staring; you only realize it when his gaze flicks to you and he has the audacity to giggle. You blink and turn away, feeling your cheeks heat slightly. You don't know why it still makes you feel flustered the way it does. Your mutual crushes on each other is everyone's worst kept secret, and openly teasing you both to the ends of the earth is their favorite game. You should be used to these things by now - the warmth he gives you, the way his presence makes your stomach flip and flutter, the deliberately corny jokes specifically designed to make you laugh, the little smiles reserved only for you - but you just...aren't. You're not sure you ever will be.
"How're you doing?" he asks gently, a genuine question - he and the boys have been away for a while, after all.
You shrug, and give him a general overview of your past couple of weeks. Mostly uneventful, but he listens with sincere and rapt attention nonetheless. You're silently thankful for it - you're glad someone wants to actually hear about these things, especially after the week you've had. It's been exhausting, you tell him, but fine, for the most part.
"Better now I'm here?" he jokes with that cheeky little smirk, letting out his trademark wheezy chuckle and a quick apology as you smack him lightly on the arm. The miniscule gap between you has significantly decreased when the laughs have passed, your shoulders brushing against him. The gentle heat he naturally radiates is noticeable against the winter cold. You can't help but press closer, seeking it out; he's quick to wrap an arm around you and draw you in.
It must be getting close to midnight now - fireworks are starting to dot the sky and the quiet, the ones in the distance mingling somewhat with the stars, at least through the haze of combined libation and drowsiness. Several floors below, where the owners of the high-rise have decided to hold this year's tennants' party, people are starting to get noisy, getting ready to ring in the new year with a joyful din to bring in the good vibes. You, you're quiet, happy to bask in Chan's warmth and have him like this for the few fleeting moments you have together. They'll be off again soon, him and the kids, and even after they're back, they may not have a lot of free time. You don't know when you'll see him again, and even though (and maybe beacuse) he's holding you close now, the thought of having to let go again pinches at you. You unconsciously pull even more flush into Chan's embrace; he notices.
"You okay?" he asks, "Are you cold?"
You shake your head, trying to ward off the emotions threatening to choke you with tears. "It's nothing," you tell him, as steadily as you can manage, "I'm good."
"No, you're not," he says, soft but serious, as he turns you to face him, hands gentle on either of your shoulders, "What's up, what's going on?"
His sincere concern triggers your tears, much as you try to hold them back. Still, you merely shrug, trying to be dismissive as you reply, "Nothing, I just...I've missed you, that's all. I've missed you. I'm going to miss you."
Familiarity with these feelings doesn't make them sting any less. The only bad thing about having him and the gang around is knowing they'll leave again quite soon, even when you're not able to spend any of their limited free time with them. And the more it's happened, the worse it makes you feel - not just because you miss them, miss him, badly, but also because you can't help but feel so gulity about wanting them around, wanting him to stay. They have so much to offer the world, you've always known it, always supported it, always loved how eager they are to show the world their true talents and spend that time with their fans. But you've always been their friend, you've been Chan's friend for ages, and these feelings you've had for him are as real today as they were when you first realized you had them. And that stings. You feel selfish for caring for him, stupid as though it may sound to anyone else but you.
Chan's brows crease momentarily, but his expression softens into a small smile as he leans in a little closer, a bracing hand on your cheek as his thumb wipes a ter away before it can even leave your eye. "I'm not going anywhere," he promises, "I'm right here, I'll always be right here."
You can only chuckle quietly in response. Both of you know that that isn't strictly true, nor is it the only reason you weep now, yet it's a promise he's never failed to keep. You nod with a tiny laugh, which he returns easily. He pulls you in, drops a little kiss on the top of your forehead, draws you into a protective hug. This close to him, you can smell his cologne - your brain commits it to memory immediately, as if it doesn't already always remember the scent of him.
The skies brighten, the explosions increase, the noise heightens - not long now. The apartment party happening below you has started a 20-second countdown. Chan is quiet, and so are you, locked together in an embrace that feels almost enough to keep the real world at bay for as long as it lasts. You hope it does last, hope it lingers long after he and the rest have left for work again.
"...Can I kiss you?"
Chan asks it so softly that you think at first you had just imagined it. But when you look up at him, held flush against his chest where you can almost swear you can feel both your heartbeats jumping when your eyes meet, there is a hopeful grin on his face, a glint in his eye that tells you this isn't just him teasing. You swallow against the sudden dryness in your throat, but you manage to nod, and let lets out a relieved breath that he might not even have known he was holding in.
You aren't even aware that his lips touch yours elmost exactly as the clock strikes midnight. The world around you erupts in raucous cheers and loud explosions, yet you can hear nothing else but your own racing pulse in your ears as Chan, smiling against your lips, pulls you even more flush against him, as if trying to meld your bodies together, and deepens the kiss, stealing your breath as he does. All you can do is clutch at his shirt, his shoulders, his arms, leaning into a kiss you had really only ever imagined, or dared to hope for.
It seems to go on forever and yet not long enough by the time he pulls away, breathless and a little flushed as he touches his forehead to yours, eyes closed in crystal clear contentment. "I've always wanted to do that," he sighs, dropping another quick kiss to your lips when you can only giggle in response, thumping heart somewhere in your throat, tears long dried and forgotten.
Your happy little bubble pops with a near ungodly din coming from the balcony doors, thrown open by the rest of your friends hurling equal parts whooping cheers and joking jeers, Felix's yell of "FUCKING FINALLY!" just barely making it over all the noise. Chan dissolves into shy chuckles, but still manages to surreptitiously shield you from sight, as if they could have had no idea who he'd just been kissing at midnight on New Year's Day. One of them - Lee Know, or perhaps Changbin - shouts "GET A ROOM, FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU'RE GROSS!" and Chan flips them all off, prompting them all to boo him aggressively but affectionately as they struggle to untangle from each other and slide the doors closed to give you your privacy back.
Left alone together again, an air of giddy shyness descends between the both of you, manifesting in little peals of chuckles and giggles, even as he holds a hand out to you, asking for yours. He pulls you to him again for another quick kiss.
"Was that okay? he asks, endearing as fuck-all.
"Shut up," you laugh, leaning in to return the favor.
~ END. ~