Chapter Text
I have always known that I have to die, I know we all will at some point, but my death is for something greater than me: to save humanity. I still don't know why I was chosen, I just know it's a duty I have to fulfill, and willingly. I still can't say I like the idea, it's just resignation. But I can't do anything against my destiny.
I'm used to not having expectations of anything, after all, I'm going to die soon, right? What's the point of dreaming about something? What's the point of aspiring to something?
Tae always talks to me about wanting to see the world and travel everywhere. His plan is every country, small or big. I like that he's so dreamy, at least someone has to indulge in wanting something. I can't, the date is getting closer. It's strange to know your death day. But what can you do, life goes on.
“Jimin? Are you listening?” Tae interrupts my thoughts.
It's a normal day at school, my last year. At this time, everyone else is discussing which university to go to, while striving to get a good score on the test to get into their dream place. Meanwhile, Tae, Tae doesn't worry about that, he's going to take a year to travel. His first destination: France. Does he know French? No, is the answer to that question. I don't know how he'll manage to get around without understanding anything wherever he is. But he always manages to do what he sets out to do, one way or another. I won't do anything, I can't allow myself to do that. Tae has invited me to accompany him more than once, but I've rejected him every time. I lie to him saying I don't have money, when in reality, I have more than enough. Well, the chosen one must have the best. Still, despite having "everything," I'm not allowed to leave the country either, in case I can escape. That can't happen. I'm not allowed to even think about it. I've thought about it a couple of times, escaping, but what would I do afterward, if I have everything here, and I'm comfortable with the idea of dying young that it doesn't matter to me. It's better to enjoy life until all ends.
“Jimin, look at this little town. I think after being in Paris for a while, I could go there.”
“It looks nice Tae” I like how he gets excited about everything.
“I really wish you could come” Tae makes his usual pout like a little child - hey, what if I pay for your ticket.
“You've already offered me that several times, and I've told you no.”
“But why not? We would have so much fun.”
“I already told you I would feel bad taking advantage of you like that.”
“But if I’m offering it to you, it's not like that.”
“No Tae. I'm sorry.”
I really hope he's as far away as possible when he finds out about everything, so he doesn't suffer. It's clear he's grown fond of me. I see it in the way his face lights up when he sees me. In my case, it's not that he brightens my life precisely, he's the only person I trust and can feel normal with. For others around me, I'm something untouchable as well as precious but not worth betting feelings on me. I'm disposable, but it's okay, I can't take it personally.
The teacher suddenly bursts into the room and starts talking. It's time to learn. Many times I've wondered why I have to go to school, after all, it's a waste of money and time, especially considering I'm in one of the most prestigious and expensive schools in the country. Whenever I ask Hathor, he always answers the same thing: that's what Mr. Lim said. And that wall forms between us again.
I wouldn't like to see Tae suffer. Especially because of me, I don't deserve it. After hiding so many things from him, for his sake and mine.
The teacher enters the room, announcing that class is about to begin. The words appear on the board as he teaches us things. I pay attention, but in automatic mode. Out of habit, it's not that I'm really interested. I can already hear Aker, one of my caregivers, telling me: “knowledge is power”. I know many things and couldn't feel more helpless.
People often tell me I'm exceptional, I think it’s just that I have good memory. I remember all the phone numbers of the people I interact with, no matter if they tell me once. My brain turns them into a sequence that makes them difficult to forget. And well also, that's how I can remember every part of Tae's grand plan in detail.
Between thoughts, the class ends.
“Jimin, let's go to the cafeteria. I heard they have kimchi.”
“Tae, but you don't tolerate spicy food well.”
“I know, but I want to try as much Korean food as possible before I leave. I still don't know how long it will be before I come back.”
I like that he no longer refers to an “us”, because, until very recently, he included me in every travel plan he made. "Jimin and I are going on a trip to Paris." I wish I could fulfill that for you Tae, I wish. But I can't. I've also thought about what it would be like to go, but my imagination doesn't go beyond where I am. Aker wouldn't like me to think about those kinds of things, and I have, I don't know if fear, but respect for him.
The bell rings to go home, and I accompany Tae to his limousine. He has that amount of money, which allows him to be picked up by a driver and have vacations in the most exclusive places in Korea. He has never been abroad, it's as if his parents are afraid to go out. Not even Tae knows why. That's why he's so excited now. First solo trip and to new places. I live in a good place like Tae, but I don't have access to anything and not even think about going to luxurious places for vacation. Only once was I allowed to go to a small town but it was to visit a man who would evaluate whether I am correct for the mission or not. It turned out that I was, if not, now I would be free or dead. Who knows what the future holds. I only know that tomorrow there will be toast with jam for breakfast, one of the few pleasures allowed to me.