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Clint was doubled over in hysterics.
Thor looked sheepish, saying that he was sure this was merely a trick meant to cause no harm to anything (but his pride and dignity), and the twitch of Natasha's lips said that even she was amused. Bucky had snorted, but one glare from Tony and an irritated huff had him stifling his laughter. Steve was promising him that they'd turn him back somehow, all the while giving Bruce a desperate look for him to be able to do something. Tony finally got tired of Clint's cackling.
"Barton. Shut the fuck up before I trample and prance all over your damn face."
That's right. Trample and prance. Because he had fucking hooves now.
Let's start from the beginning.
----
"God, I can't stand Christmas."
He rolled his eyes at the faked distressed gasp that echoed in his ear.
"Can't stand Christmas? Why?"
"Because, Barton, it's just an annoyance that comes every year. The same music, the same carolers, the fucking cold weather, the damn crowds of rude people...shall I go on?"
"Don't be a Scrooge, Stark."
"First off, I donate more funds then that reformed asshole ever had a chance to. Philanthropist, remember? Second, I don't qualify as a Scrooge, because I don't believe in ghosts. Don't really believe in spirits either, but that's my inner atheist talking. Chalk that up to another reason I don't like Christmas."
He repulsored a deadly, snarling reindeer in the flank. Even the enemies they fought were Christmas-themed.
"Fine. A Grinch, then."
"Not trying to ruin it for anyone. Just don't want it near yours truly."
"You know what-"
Hawkeye was cut off when Tony yanked him off the roof where his perch was blown to smithereens.
"What the actual fuck?"
"Guys."
"Yeah, Cap?"
"Watch out for...exploding Christmas ornaments."
"Alright, now Loki's just fucking with us. It has to be him. No one else can reach this level of fuckery."
Cap didn't disagree. It gave him quite a shock when the force of the ornament against his shield knocked him back a few feet.
Loki was watching the whole debacle with disinterested eyes from on top of a skyscraper. Silly humans and their commercial holidays...he had no idea why Thor enjoyed them so much. The only thing making this season bearable was the ability to cause chaos with minimal effort, due to the screaming masses that seemed to fill every street. He was growing bored watching these Avengers piddle around. He was about to leave and let his magic burn out when a shot was fired at him. Who dared?
"I was right. Figured Reindeer Games would want to spread some holiday havoc."
Of course. The Man of Iron. He was brash and uncouth and everything Loki despised about humanity.
"Look, I'm pretty sure I don't like Christmas any more than you do. But you can't keep destroying cities when you get bored or cranky. I'm getting real tired of your shit, Reindeer Games."
Loki merely raised an eyebrow.
"You seem awfully fond of that title, Stark. Perhaps you wish to have the experience yourself?"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, I simply think you should embrace this...'holiday spirit' that you humans love so much."
"Did you not just hear me say how much I dislike-"
----
Clint rubbed at his face to wipe away tears.
"I-I'm sorry, dude. But you are literally a Rudolph."
"Mm...nope. His nose is blue, not red. Is that an arc reactor?"
Tony crossed his eyes, but it was no use. How did horses see with eyes like this? He could see to the side, but in front of him? It took a lot of effort.
"Really? Steve, tell me he's lying."
"Sorry, sweetheart. But it really is a mini arc reactor."
"Yeah, dollface. You are now Tony the Iron Reindeer."
Tony would have face-palmed if he could reach.
Being a reindeer sucked ass.
----
He was not pouting.
He was understandably upset, because he couldn't work like this, he couldn't eat his favorite food like this, couldn't sit on the couch like this, etc. And he had itches in places he couldn't scratch, and he refused to have someone scratch them for him. So no, he wasn't pouting. Damn, could reindeers even do that? Probably not. Fuck. He was contemplating how much his life sucked at the moment when he heard voices. Oh god. Oh no. Please tell him it was not-
"Oh. Wow. Stevie boy, you were not kidding."
Sam Wilson.
"Tones? Wow. I now have so much blackmail material."
And James Rhodes.
What were they doing here?
Steve must have heard his distressed groan/whinny because he turned to face him, apologetic smile on his face.
"Sorry, sweetie. But I invited them over a few days ago so we could all go over to the VA together. They're having a get-together for kids of military parents and relatives in the park next-door."
He immediately felt like shit. But he took one look at Sam's face, and that turned into pure, utter terror mixed with a healthy dose of indignation.
"Sam Wilson if you are thinking what I think you're thinking I will trample you and tear apart your wings with my teeth."
"Come on, Tony! Just think about how thrilled the kids would be. A real-live reindeer to ride and play with."
"No."
"Please, sweetheart? Like Sam said! And a lot of these kids are missing a part of their families this Christmas. It'll bring a little bit of joy into their holidays."
Tony could feel his resolve crumbling. He really didn't have much else to do here besides mope and curse that this was his life now. And the little kids...
Regardless of what the media said, Tony loved little kids. They were like a blank canvas, with so many possibilities for their future if taken care of right. They could be the doctor that cured cancer, or the artist that painted a famous work of art. Scientists, artists, teachers, emergency responders; all of them started somewhere. And if he could help it, they'd start somewhere happy and safe, unlike where he did.
Steve knew when Tony gave in. Even as a reindeer, he knew the miniscule twitches that meant that he was surrendering.
"Fine. But the minute that one of them pulls on my ear and/or my tail, I am revolting. I mean it. I will walk away."
He rolled his eyes as the soldiers let out sounds of victory.
-----
"You owe me so much, guys."
"We know."
"I am wearing a saddle."
"Yes, you are."
"With bells."
Steve couldn't hold back a snort at Tony's indignant look. Even as a reindeer, he still managed to look somewhat offended. And that look lasted until the children arrived. They cheered with joy, and many didn't know where to go first. There were food stands with pastries and hot chocolate, games, and a chance to meet real-life superheroes. Steve wore his cheesy show grin, greeting the kids and taking pictures. Rhodey and Sam weren't getting as much attention, but they still got plenty, especially from those whose parents and siblings were Air Force. Bucky had decided to stay inside with the adults, helping make snacks and such that were carried to the park. He enjoyed cooking; said it calmed his nerves. He was actually pretty good at it, and it helped him, so no one complained.
And when the kids saw Tony, he knew it was all over.
They pushed and squabbled, until a worker told them that they needed to make a straight line if they wanted to ride. Almost instantly they were in line, as if they would miss their chance if they didn't. The larger kids rode alone, but a few small kids rode with their older siblings. It wasn't as bad as he'd originally thought. He trotted around the park, and let them off after a little while. And he usually was petted behind his ear when he was done, which felt nice (but he wasn't going to let anyone know that). One by one he took them around the park, and by the end of it all he was actually pretty tired. Steve seemed to notice, and told the kids that if everyone had had a ride, they needed to let the reindeer rest. They let out a unanimous 'aw', but gave Tony one last pet before running to play some more of the games and tell Santa what they wanted for Christmas.
Tony was glad that the event went well. He actually donated a lot to the local VA, after Sam was ranting about how the government wasn't really giving them the funding they needed. He had been wary at first, but Tony's thought process was simple. 'I have a lot of money. I spend some of it, and have a lot left over. I don't need the money. You need the money. So take it.' So Sam took it, and it helped them out a lot, like being able to host events like these.
Tony was about to trot away to lean against a tree or something when he heard sniffles. They were tiny sniffles, and he hated tiny sniffles. It meant that a tiny person was crying. So he left to hunt for the cause of the tiny sniffles. He found a small girl, probably only four or five by the looks of it. She blinked up at him with tearful green eyes. He decided to hell with it, and leaned his down to her level.
"Why are you crying, little girl?"
The little girl's eyes widened, and she clutched her stuffed rabbit closer to her.
"Y-you can talk?"
"Yes. I'm a magic reindeer. But you can't tell anyone. I only talk to the good kids, like Santa says to."
The girl smiled a little, and reached up to pet him.
"I-I'm happy you talked to me."
"And I'm happy to be able to talk to you. But why are you sad?"
"I came here with my big brother, but he pushed me down and said I was too small to play with him and his friends. And now I'm all alone."
Tony huffed. What a shitty big brother.
"Well, you know what? I'm sure that meanie's on the naughty list anyway. What's your name?"
"Lilian..."
"Well, Lilian. Let's show him. Do you want a ride?"
Her eyes widened, and she nodded enthusiastically. It took a few tries, but she managed to climb up. He trotted slowly, making sure she didn't fall off. She told him about herself, and how her mommy was away fighting. He said that was very brave, and that he'd make sure Santa left her something. By the end of the ride, she was grinning broadly, and cheerful, which was the way it should be. He trotted up to Steve, and motioned to Lilian.
"This little lady here has been amazingly good this year. So good, that she was able to hear me talk. Isn't that right Lily?"
"Yeah! Mr. Reindeer found me, and I was sad, and he let me ride him for a long time! And my bunny, too!"
Steve just grinned, and laughed at her enthusiasm.
"Well, I'm glad he could talk to you. It's hard to find someone good enough to talk to."
"Yeah! But you're Captain America, so of course he can talk to you."
Tony snorted, and Steve blushed a little.
"Well-"
"Lily!"
All of them looked over to a boy a few years older than Lilian. This must have been her brother, because they shared the same green eyes and dirty-blonde hair.
"What are you doin' on the reindeer? The people said the rides were over!"
"Mr. Reindeer let me ride him some more. Right, Mr. Reindeer?"
Tony huffed and nodded. Lilian smiled smugly, pleased that he wouldn't talk to her jerk of a big brother.
"Why are you talking to a reindeer? They can't talk, stupid."
Lilian seemed unperturbed, secure in the fact that she was nice and he was naughty. She would have stuck out her tongue, but that wasn't nice, and Mr. Reindeer might not be able to talk to her anymore. Steve gave a stern talking to the group of boys for bullying a young girl like that, and Tony let Lilian down. Lilian clutched his leg.
"You'll still talk to me, right?"
"Of course. I can't leave Santa's workshop during the rest of the year, but I'll be sure to have one of the elves help me write, okay?"
Lilian nodded and waved goodbye, running over to her dad to tell him the story. Her dad gave a second look at the reindeer, and Tony just nodded.
Maybe Christmas wasn't so bad after all.
----
(He was still happy when he changed back, though.)