Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ellie usually witnessed storms through panes of glass, the sound of pattering rain muffled by the brick walls of the FEDRA school. Now, with rain-filled clouds instead of a ceiling overhead, she stood completly drenched.

Minutes ago, the Nebraska sky had beamed sun rays over Ellie, Joel, and Tess until a shadow of dark clouds finally caught up. The storm, loud and angry, chased them off the road, through waist-high grass, to a looming barn where they took cover.

Ellie wiped away the hair stuck to her face, watching the roaring rainfall. Heavy droplets bent the tall grass outside, then let it spring up again, over and over, shaking every strand of grass.

“Shit,” Tess cursed, pulling Ellie’s attention from the storm. Tess was crouched over her backpack, her hair dripping water over it.

“What is it?” Joel asked, stepping towards Tess. He’d taken off his pack too, so Ellie did the same, letting hers plop to the hay-dusted dirt.

Tess pulled folded wet maps from her pack. “My bag was still open.”

“Shit,” Ellie said, echoing Tess’s earlier assessment.

“It’s fine. It’ll dry,” Tess said.

Ellie’s pack had been closed when the rain began, but that wouldn’t have stopped water from soaking through the fabric. In a rush, she dropped to her knees and unzipped her pack, tossing damp clothes to the side until she found her edition of Savage Starlight and her pun book, both dry as bone. She let out a breath of relief.

“You should change into dry clothes.” Tess said, making Ellie look up. “You'll slow us down if you get sick.”

Ellie’s brows pulled together. “How would rain make me sick?”

“Do what she says,” Joel said curtly, making Ellie bristle.

Lately, every time she asked a simple question, Joel would treat it like some personal offense. Still, dry clothes sounded a lot better than the cold, wet fabric stuck to her skin. She stuffed her clothes back in and slung her pack over her shoulder as she stood.

Above her head was a loft that stretched over only a section of the barn, a tall ladder leaning against its edge. She could go up there, but it would feel too exposed with no walls to hide her. Across the barn was a room with a large rectangular opening instead of a door. It seemed to split the back of the barn from the front where she was. That would work.

Ellie’s shoes squelched as she carried her pack towards the room. She’d never been in a barn before. In kid’s books, barns were red with farm animals sticking their heads out of white-trimmed windows. This barn was made of dark, weathered wood and it was messy. Pitchforks, shovels, and other tools of varying sizes were everywhere, some leaning haphazardly against the wall, some piled in crates on shelves. Ellie stepped around random piles of loose hay and metal debris that looked like it came from some unfinished project.

When Ellie reached the room behind the wall, she found fenced wooden animal pens, all empty except for a thin layer of hay in each one. Nothing like the kid’s books. She imagined herself petting horses, pigs, and cows, looking into their eyes, and finally hearing their strange sounds in real life. Ellie had touched a dog once. It had licked her fingers through the chain-link fence in the FEDRA school courtyard. She figured it was good the barn had no animals anymore—seeing remnants of bones would’ve been worse.

After another minute, Ellie returned to the front of the barn in mostly dry clothes. She’d hung her soaked clothes over the wall of an animal pen. Joel and Tess spoke next to the open barn doors too quietly to hear over the pattering rain.

Tess wore different clothes too—baggy jeans and a large T-shirt. Joel’s clothes, Ellie realized as she approached. Tess must have changed while Ellie had, needing no privacy apparently, and Joel must have given Tess his only other set of clothes because he was still drenched.

Ellie dropped her pack next to Tess’s and Tess shifted her attention to Ellie. “Did you see any tables in the back?”

“No, why?” Ellie asked.

“I need to dry the maps.”

“We could set them on the floor up there.” Joel pointed to the loft above them.

“Clear a section for me?” Tess asked him. Joel nodded and headed for the ladder.

Ellie gave Tess another once over as Joel climbed up. “So do you guys share clothes a lot or,” Ellie let her words trail off, taking in the flat look Tess gave her. She almost laughed, but held it in.

“What did I say about personal questions?” Tess reproached.

That was answer enough, and Ellie smirked. “Don’t ask them?”

The short stack of maps were next to Tess’s pack and Tess bent, picking one up. Tess scanned it, obviously not in the mood for Ellie’s teasing. Ellie shifted her weight, not enjoying the silence.

“Pretty sure they kept animals back there,” Ellie said, trying to bring Tess’s attention back to her.

Tess didn’t look up from the map. “Makes sense. It’s a farm.”

Ellie thought for a moment. “How come we haven't seen more farms?”

“What do you mean?”

“Weren’t these farms how everyone got food?” It didn’t make sense. To feed all the people that used to live, there should’ve been farms everywhere.

Finally, Tess glanced up. “Our food didn’t come from farms like this.”

“Bigger farms then?”

“Something like that.”

Before Ellie could ask another question, Joel called down from the loft. “I cleared some hay. You can bring the maps up.” Tess bent to scoop up the maps, bringing them over to the ladder.

They’d found the Nebraska maps two days ago at what Tess had called a rest stop. It was a type of store that people used to visit on long trips—fitting. Ellie had grabbed a bunch of cool shit from the rest stop—a shark tooth necklace, a brochure for an amusement park, and buttons with corn puns on them. Nebraskans Always Shuck It Up and I Have A Corn-Do Attitude were her favorites.

Outside, the rain suddenly calmed, the sky brighter now, like the storm had given up trying to rain on them, leaving to find its new victims.

“The rain’s stopping,” Ellie announced to Joel and Tess up in the loft.

They climbed down soon after, the wood of the ladder creaking from their weight. When Joel got off the ladder, he studied the light drizzle outside.

“I’ll go out once it stops,” he said as Tess stepped onto the dirt floor.

Ellie perked up. “To hunt?”

He returned a tired look. “No, to talk to birds.”

“Ha ha,” Ellie said flatly. Joel usually hunted in the mornings, always gone before Ellie would wake up. Now was her chance. “Could I watch?”

“No.” He walked over to his pack and began untying his sleeping bag from the bottom of it.

Ellie pressed her lips together, irritation prickling. Beside her, Tess was focused on pulling wet clothes from her pack—no help there.

“Why not?” Ellie asked.

“You’ll scare off every living thing we pass.”

“I can be quiet,” Ellie insisted, but Joel didn’t look convinced. “Right, Tess?”

Tess opened her mouth, seeming to hesitate—seriously, no fucking help. Not a drop of rain fell anymore and sun rays beamed down on the wet grass outside. Ellie saw her chance slipping away as Joel shrugged his pack over his shoulders.

She followed behind as Joel started for the barn doors. “Come on. I promise I won’t talk or step on any twigs.”

“You sure won’t cause you’re not coming.” Joel tossed the words back, not breaking his pace.

Ellie stopped at the edge of the tall grass, watching the bow and arrow that stuck out of his pack shift around as he walked ahead. She pictured herself pulling and releasing an arrow right at him. Ellie turned accusing eyes to Tess, but she wasn’t facing Ellie, instead carrying her clothes towards the back of the barn.

Ellie took quick steps, evading the clutter to catch up. “Think you could back me up next time?”

Tess turned a raised brow at her. “He doesn’t want to take you.”

“Yeah, but you could’ve helped,” Ellie reasoned. “He does everything you say.”

“He doesn’t–” Tess stopped and faced Ellie, her clothes still bunched under her arm. “I need to hang these so they can dry. Untie those sleeping bags for me.”

Ellie looked over at the packs with the sleeping bags still attached. “Why?”

“Because they’re wet.”

With that, Tess headed for the back of the barn again, leaving Ellie with the piles of hay to keep her company. Ellie sighed, but walked back towards the packs to untie the sleeping bags. When Tess returned, she instructed Ellie to help her bring the sleeping bags up to the loft. Ellie climbed up the ladder behind Tess, water from her sleeping bag soaking into part of her shirt.

One side of the loft held square stacks of tied up hay while the other side held a tall pile of beige sacks that all read Tully River Farms Cattle Feed. The loft was much darker than the area below, sunlight only coming in from a small window at the center of the wall.

Ellie dropped her sleeping bag while Tess unrolled her own, and she went up to the window, seeing far beyond the tall grass and the road they’d been on when the rain had started. Nebraska didn’t really have forests like Ellie had seen outside the walls of the Boston QZ. Nebraska had grass, grass, and more grass with the occasional cluster of trees. Ellie scanned the area outside, searching for Joel, but couldn’t spot him anywhere. All she wanted was to watch him hunt and maybe hold the bow and arrow for a few seconds, but Joel, like always, wanted nothing to do with her.

Ellie remembered how mad Joel had been a few days ago at the rest stop. There had been this metal spinny thing with bracelets, sunglasses, and necklaces hanging on it. When she’d spotted the shark tooth necklaces, she pulled one off and asked Joel if they were real shark’s teeth. Then he got all pissed, like Ellie had pointed a gun at his face. The memory made Ellie’s irritation prickle up again.

“Joel’s an ass, you know that?” Ellie said, turning away from the window to face Tess.

Tess stopped unraveling the sleeping bags, giving her another flat look. “He hunts alone. It’s not personal.”

“It’s not just the hunting. It’s everything. You saw how he was at the rest stop.” Ellie made her voice deep, imitating Joel’s southern accent. “Put that back cause I said so—over a fucking necklace. Like, what’s next? He gets mad at my backpack?”

Ellie could see the wheels spinning in Tess’s head. Back at the rest stop, she’d gotten between Ellie and Joel, coming to Ellie’s defense. Maybe now Tess would have a few complaints of her own to share. “Sometimes we have bad days,” Tess offered.

“That’s every day for him.”

Tess stood, heading for the pile of sacks along the wall of the loft. “Come help me carry these.”

“You want cow food?”

“The sleeping bags will fall if we don’t weigh them down.”

While Ellie helped, she stewed over what had happened at the rest stop. She'd never even wanted the stupid necklace, but she’d made a show of dropping it in her pack all the same. Joel had been silent the rest of that day and, since then, only acknowledged Ellie’s existence when he had to. He was just pissed that his stupid power trips wouldn't work on her.

Once they were done, the three long sleeping bags hung over the edge of the loft like banners. Tess decided they should get a fire started next. All the wood outside was wet, so they pried off short planks of wood from one of the animal pens, using heavy shovels. Ellie’s arm muscles burned by the time they had enough wood for the fire. While Ellie carried planks to the front of the barn, Tess poured out wood crates, large brushes and tools hitting the dirt floor, carrying the crates to the front as well.

An hour later, Ellie and Tess sat across the fire from each other just within the open barn doors. Tess compared two of the now dry maps, occasionally scribbling on one in pencil. She sat on an upside-down crate. Ellie had opted to have a much cooler seat. Earlier, she'd pushed a large, fabric sacks off of the loft and leaned it against a heavy crate, creating something that resembled a low chair. Although the cattle feed in the sack felt hard and lumpy, Ellie made the best of it, stretching her legs out, ankles crossed, with a comic book in hand.

When Joel returned, the sun shone low in the sky, the long shadow of the barn darkening the grass outside. Two gutted squirrels hung from his pack, thin red lines down each of their bellies. Ellie frowned. He usually caught more than just two squirrels. As he sat his pack down, her eyes darted to Tess, who seemed to notice the same thing.

“Game’s been shy,” Joel explained, as if to answer the question on Ellie and Tess’s faces.

“Looks like it,” Tess said evenly. Then she waved him over. “Come look at this. I figured something out.” Joel picked up the third crate Tess had brought over and set it next to Tess. “We’ll stay on Carey until we hit Locust, keep going north past Lincoln,” Tess continued as Joel sat beside her, and Ellie’s attention drifted back to the squirrels.

They’d eaten earlier that day before the rain, but Ellie already felt twinges of hunger. She’d gone to bed hungry only a handful of times, usually as punishment, and she wasn’t looking forward to that prospect tonight. Tess and Joel still had cans of food left, so maybe that was the plan.

“Are we gonna have canned food too?” Ellie asked, interrupting Tess’s explanation of directions. Tess and Joel looked up from the maps.

“You know we’re saving it for when we need it.” Tess answered calmly.

“Pretty sure we need it now.” Ellie gestured to the squirrels. It was nowhere near enough food.

“We’ll give you a whole one. The cans are for emergencies,” Tess reminded her.

Joel shifted his attention to Tess. “I set a few deadfalls. We should have more caught by morning.”

He’d set a trap called a deadfall, another thing Ellie missed out on because he’d been too stubborn to let her watch him hunt. It sounded so cool and she imagined all the ways it might have caught animals. Just as the adults looked back down at the map, Ellie asked, “A deadfall? What’s it look like?”

“It’s a type of trap,” Tess said, glancing up, then back down to the maps. Obviously it was a trap. Ellie just wanted to know how it worked since Joel wouldn’t show her.

Joel put a finger on the map, speaking to Tess. “It’ll be less risk if we head west first. I heard Lincon’s still active.”

Neither of them spoke for a few seconds, so Ellie tried again. “But how does it work? Is it a hole or something?”

Joel snapped his head up. “It traps animals. Go back to your picture book.”

Ellie felt her cheeks heat at his sharp words. “It’s a comic, not a picture book.” He made it seem like she was reading something for babies.

“Ellie, just give us a second,” Tess said before focusing back on Joel. “Where’d you hear that from?”

“Hector,” Joel said.

“That idiot? You know he got caught forging FEDRA papers?”

“He’s still got good contacts on this side.”

Ellie slumped down in the sack as they continued speaking. Joel and Tess had created their own space without Ellie like they’d done countless times before. Whenever they did, any attempts Ellie made to join were dismissed, like nothing she said mattered. When Joel wasn’t in the picture, and it was just her and Tess, she felt like part of a team, like she was needed, wanted. Joel, on the other hand, liked to remind her that she was a burden he barely tolerated. She’d put up with Joel treating her like scum stuck to his shoe for a week now, and she’d had enough of it.

Ellie didn’t know why she made her next decision, maybe to remind Joel that he didn’t phase her, maybe to get under his skin. She set her comic book down and reached for her pack, searching for the shark tooth necklace that Joel had told her to put back at the rest stop. When she found it, she pulled it out, holding it up a few inches, just high enough for Joel to see, and studying the brown beads around the triangle shaped shark tooth. When she glanced up from the necklace, she found Joel’s lowered brows and fiery gaze set right on her. Ellie’s breath caught, and she lowered the necklace automatically, bracing like an attack would come at any second. It was an instinctual habit she’d formed in the long years she’d spent in the FEDRA school.

Tess was still focused on the map, running a slow finger over it while talking. Joel looked back down at the map now that Ellie had lowered the necklace. Shame heated the back of her neck for letting herself be intimidated. She’d had teachers that would have hit her for something like this, but Joel didn’t seem the type to go that far, so Ellie squared her shoulders, unwilling to shrink like her body wanted her to do. She lifted the necklace up to her neck, moving her ponytail as she clasped it on. The shark tooth settled at the edge of her shirt collar. He wouldn’t do shit. Every few seconds Joel flicked his eyes up, his gaze growing sharper, his mouth a set line. Finally, he stopped looking, instead scowling into the fire.

“Does this look like it says Carey road?” Tess asked, and when Joel didn’t respond, she lifted her head. “Joel?”

“I’ll be back,” he said, standing from the crate. He didn’t send Ellie another glance as he headed for the barn doors.

A line formed between Tess’s brows. “Where are you going?”

“For a walk,” Joel said roughly.

The tall grass split at Joel’s heavy footfalls, remaining parted after he passed. Tess watched him go too, frown lines deepening at the sides of her mouth. Her gaze shifted to Ellie, then back to Joel.

“Well, that was weird,” Ellie said. She’d thought seeing the necklace would bug Joel, but he seemed way more pissed than she’d expected.

Tess released a long breath and stood, setting the maps down on the dirt. She went over to Joel’s pack and began untying the squirrels with quick fingers. “Keep the fire going while I get the food ready.”

—

Later, Tess’s bloody hands tore at the squirrel's back, pulling the fur over its head. It looked like she was taking off its shirt, revealing dark pink skin underneath. Ellie grimaced, still not used to the sight of it. The only sound came from chirping crickets outside and the crackling of the fire. Ellie tapped her fingers on her knee, wanting to say something to break the tension.

“So, how does a deadfall work?” she asked.

Tess glanced up, pausing her work on the squirrel. “You lean something heavy on a stick and it crushes whatever triggers the trap.” Tess’s voice sounded tight, making Ellie hesitate.

“Cool. The name makes sense.”

Tess didn’t respond, focusing on the squirrel again. Ellie’s stomach squeezed, realizing Tess might be mad at her. Ellie had upset her boyfriend or whatever he was. Maybe she could explain she’d just tried to mess with him, not make him bail altogether. Tess didn’t seem in the mood to talk though, so Ellie opted to pick up her edition of Savage Starlight.

In the comic book, Dr. Daniella Star was lost in space, running out of fuel, and trying to find her way back home. Ellie looked up every few minutes at Tess, wishing their usual ease would settle between them again.

At the point in the story where Dr. Daniella’s ship landed on a planet with organic matter she could convert into fuel, Tess had the squirrels cooking. Long sticks had been angled deep in the dirt and the squirrels hung off of them, roasting over the fire. Ellie’s mouth watered at the scent, her stomach protesting at the lack of food.

Before leaving Boston, Ellie had thought she knew what hunger was—an annoying murmur in her belly on the days she skipped her school's slimy breakfasts. She’d had no idea. True hunger, the kind that felt like her stomach was trying to eat itself, had become a companion as real as Joel or Tess. It gnawed at her almost constantly, growing more ferocious in the unending minutes it took for the food to cook. That was the worst part—seeing the food right there, but not being able to eat it yet.

The sky had darkened to a faded gray, and the pages became difficult to read without twisting the book towards the light of the campfire. Ellie closed the book, not caring to spend the extra effort. The squirrel meat looked cooked enough, but Tess seemed hypnotized by the fire, her knee jiggling up and down as the orange flames reflected in her eyes.

Ellie cleared her throat. “Is the food done?”

Tess’s eyes flicked to the impaled meat. “Yeah.”

Ellie got up, took a few steps, and pulled a stick from the dirt. The first time Joel and Tess had cooked for her, Ellie had been so hungry, she’d burned the roof of her mouth. This time, sitting on the lumpy cattle feed sack with the steaming squirrel at the end of her stick, she got an idea. She waved the stick from side to side, hoping the air would speed up the cooling process.

“What are you doing?” Tess asked, her knee slowing to a stop.

“I’m trying to cool it off.” They both watched the squirrel glide back and forth through the air.

“That’s not the worst idea,” Tess finally said, making Ellie slow her waving. Tess was talking to her again, so maybe she wasn’t mad after all.

A short time later, Ellie’s teeth grazed bone as she got the last bits of meat from her share of the squirrels. Tess had only taken a few bites of hers—she always ate slowly, no matter how loud her stomach growled—Ellie had heard it a few times that past week. She seemed distracted and Ellie knew why. Joel still hadn’t returned and every minute the sky outside grew darker. Joel had brought the gun that had been in his waistband, but he’d left his pack with his flashlight in it. Ellie wanted to ask about him, wondering if something may have gone wrong, but not knowing how to phrase it. The idea of it made her feel unsteady, that she could wake up and it'd be just her and Tess left, just one to go before she was finally stranded alone.

Ellie asked a question that touched her curiosity, but not her fears. “What’s Joel gonna eat?”

“I’ll give him half of this one,” Tess said, taking another small bite.

“Won’t you guys be hungry though?”

“We’ve survived on a lot less. We’re used to it.”

“How much less?”

Tess tilted her head. “Once we went almost three days without food.”

Ellie’s eyes widened. “That sucks.”

A corner of Tess’s mouth lifted, but her eyes grew distant. “Yeah, it did,”

“Do I have to be ready for that?” She couldn’t imagine going one day without food, let alone three days.

Tess’s eyes tightened. “No. We won’t let you starve. Got it?” That was a relief, and Ellie gave a short nod. “You should try to get some sleep. We’re heading out early tomorrow.”

Ellie peered up to where the sleeping bags hung. They probably weren’t dry yet. She considered setting up some cattle feed sacks to lie on, but they were pretty lumpy just to sit on, too uncomfortable. “What are you gonna sleep on?” she asked Tess.

Tess lifted a brow. “The ground.”

Ellie ended up using her backpack as a pillow like she did on the nights she slept in her sleeping bag. She laid closer to the fire than usual and curled up as the temperature outside dropped, colder than previous nights. Tess shined her flashlight on the Nebraska map, scribbling something in the margins with a pencil. Ellie, slightly cold and very uncomfortable, floated in and out of light sleep.

Sometime later, the sound of Tess’s voice made Ellie alert, blinking her eyes open.

“You can’t just disappear for hours at night. I thought something happened to you,” Tess whispered harshly to Joel, whose stony face was lit by the orange glow of the flickering firelight.

“I’m fine. Nothing happened,” he said in a hushed tone.

“What was that about?”

“I needed some time.”

“For what?”

Joel’s gaze drifted towards Ellie and she shut her eyes, hoping he hadn’t caught her awake.

Tess spoke again. “Is this the same as what happened in New Haven?”

“No.” Joel’s voice came rougher this time. “Let’s just move on.”

“Move on. Right.”

Ellie peeked her eyes open, seeing Tess’s crossed arms, her pointed stare meeting Joel’s emotionless one. Then Joel moved, taking slow steps around Tess. He grunted as he sat down on a crate. “I’ll take first watch.”

“I already did,” Tess bit out. “And your food’s there.”

“You can have it,” he said softly.

“Fine.”

Ellie shut her eyes again since Joel sat facing the fire where she was. Tess was usually calm and collected, and seeing her unnerved had created a stir of unease in Ellie. She struggled to fall asleep again, thinking about how Joel had reacted to the necklace both times. If she’d known he’d take off like that, she wouldn’t have pulled it out. Then again, eating with just Tess had been nice, no sharp comments or condescending looks from Joel. It wasn’t that she wished Joel were gone. She just wished he would give her a chance, not dismiss her every time she tried.

Sleep hovered beyond reach, pulling away at the sound of an owl, or wind, or someone shifting nearby. Memories that Ellie had shut away, buried deep down, dug themselves up like they’d done most nights since Kansas City. Sam, the boy whose smiles came as easily as his friendship, had turned into one of them. His sharp grunts and snarls had sounded just like Riley’s. Ellie grit her teeth. Stop thinking about it. Stop. Stop. It was no use though. Their faces, bloody and slack, painted the backs of Ellie’s eyelids as she struggled into sleep.

—

On most mornings, Tess would need to try two or three times before Ellie fully woke up. Ellie wasn’t used to being on her feet all day, and she slept like the dead every night, recovering from her new normal. Tess jostled Ellie’s shoulder for the second time that morning, and Ellie blinked bleary eyes as Tess’s stern face came into focus.

“I won’t be so nice if I have to wake you up again,” Tess warned. She stood from her crouched position, walking past Ellie out of eyesight.

Thick fabric covered Ellie, and she pinched a section between two fingers, taking a second to realize it was Joel’s jacket. A metal scraping sound pulled Ellie’s attention, and she lifted her head. Joel sat on a crate a few feet away, sharpening his knife with Tess’s. He didn’t like Ellie, so why’d he give her his jacket? She wouldn’t have done the same for him, cold weather or not.

The campfire smoked now, a pile of chalky white embers and charred wood. Ellie sat up slowly and twisted to look over at Tess, instantly feeling an ache in her lower back. She must have slept wrong, not difficult to do on hard dirt. Tess was in the process of tying her rolled up sleeping bag to her pack. Ellie pulled her feet closer and only had to shift her weight a little before she froze, her eyes widening. Shit. Shit. Scrambling, she stood up suddenly, earning questioning looks from both Joel and Tess.

“Bathroom,” Ellie answered before rushing out of the barn, leaving Joel’s jacket crumpled next to her pack. She tore through the waist-high grass, turning at the corner of the barn so no one would see if they came outside. Then she crouched, letting grass brush against her face as she looked down. “Fuck,” she cursed under her breath. There it was—evidence of her very-much-uninvited monthly visitor threatening to bleed through her pants. Why now? Why couldn’t it show mercy and skip a month or two until she reached Wyoming?

She hiked her jeans back up, unsure of what she could do. She had nothing, unless she counted the extra T-shirt crumpled at the bottom of her pack—that wouldn’t work with all the fabric. Ellie walked towards the front of the barn, gnawing at her lower lip. Tess could probably help, but that would require her to ask Tess with words, out of her mouth, out loud. At the FEDRA school, she’d just stood in line for her monthly ration of tampons, no conversations needed. She paused before approaching the open barn doors, her hands feeling clammy. She’d just go up to Tess and ask for help. Tess wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. It’d be simple, very fucking awkward, but simple.

Ellie took a steady breath and walked up to the barn doors. Inside, Joel still sat on the crate, but Ellie couldn’t spot Tess anywhere.

“Where’s Tess?” she asked.

Joel sniffed, not looking up from the knives. “She went to change in the back.”

She chewed her lip again. Tess would probably come back quickly, so she only had to wait a minute or so. Ellie started shifting her weight, but then thought better of it. If she moved too much, her pants would stain in no time, so she stood as still as she could, tensing every muscle. The metal scraping sounds stopped, and Ellie glanced at Joel, whose brows had pulled together at her weird movements. Joel shook his head as if shaking off a thought and set the knives on the dirt.

“I’ll be right back. Yell if you see anything,” he said, standing up from the crate.

“Like what?” she asked, and Joel returned a look that told Ellie her question was stupid.

“Like a threat.” His eyes dropped to her shirt collar and Ellie saw the corners of his mouth tighten before he flicked his eyes away. He walked past her out of the barn doors and went to the side of the barn that Ellie had come from.

She looked down at her shirt, realizing then that she was still wearing the necklace. She considered taking it off, but Joel hadn’t stopped being an asshole, and wearing it had given her a semblance of control last night, a way to push back. She had more important things to worry about anyway.

Ellie watched the back of the barn, waiting anxiously for Tess to come out so she could get this over with. Her eyes shifted to Tess’s pack next to Joel’s, then again to the back of the barn, an idea forming. She technically didn’t have to wait—she could just check, grab a tampon or two, and explain to Tess that it had been an emergency. Tess was a smuggler, so she probably had plenty. She’d have to act fast, so she sprang towards the pack, bent on her knees, and unzipped it in record time, eyes checking every second to where Tess might appear.

While Ellie’s pack held a jumbled mess of random stuff she’d picked up on the trip, Tess’s pack looked neat and orderly. The inside felt damp as she dug around folded jeans and socks—she pushed them to the side, finding several cans of food beneath the clothing. She unzipped a large pocket inside—folded maps. Another pocket held a lumpy white ball with tan dots in it, making her pause her search. What the fuck was that? She realized it was soap when she took a whiff.

This was taking too long and Tess would probably catch her red-handed any second now. Ellie put the soap back and opened the last pocket, a small one with a few squares of foil inside. She remembered a time her whole class had gotten into trouble because a few boys were laughing and throwing one of those squares between each other. Riley had explained later that it was a condom.

Ellie’s face scrunched up. “Ugh, gross.” She zipped everything back up, giving up on her search.

“What are you doing?” Joel’s gruff voice asked behind her.

Ellie shot up, turning to face him. “Tess asked me to grab something for her.” The lie came automatically, but Joel looked skeptical.

“Where is it then?”

Ellie tried a smile, but it felt tight. “Couldn’t find it.”

Joel’s gaze shifted past Ellie to the back of the barn and she checked over her shoulder. Tess was headed their way, wearing the faded violet shirt and jeans she’d worn when the rain had started. Ellie rushed towards Tess, meeting her before she could reach the front of the barn.

“Could I talk to you? It’s important,” Ellie’s words tumbled out at the same time Joel asked, “Did you ask her to go through your bag?” A flash of irritation shot through Ellie. Fucking tattletale.

Tess’s questioning eyes darted between them before settling on Ellie. “What were you doing in my bag?”

“Nothing, I was–” Ellie stopped herself, aware of Joel standing a few feet behind her, still within earshot. Her chest and neck felt tight, like they were trying to stop the words from escaping. Ellie stepped forward, forcing the words out in a low voice, “I was looking for tamp...” She mumbled the last word so quietly, she barely heard it herself.

Tess narrowed her eyes. “Looking for what?”

“Shh!” Ellie's cheeks burned and she held open palms like Tess had pulled a knife on her. “Could we please not fucking talk about this here?” she hissed through clenched teeth.

“Ellie, I have no idea what you’re–” Then Tess’s deep frown softened, her confusion slowly seeming to clear. “Are you bleeding?” she asked quietly. Ellie gave a small nod, glad she didn’t have to say it out loud again. “Okay, get your bag and bring it over to the cattle stalls.”

“But I don’t have anything.”

“Just do it.”

Ellie avoided looking at Joel as she passed him to get to her pack. She still felt him watching her, probably wondering what her deal was, probably already guessing. She let her pack dangle at her side, trudging behind Tess towards the back room. Tess had grabbed her knife and let it swing in her hand as she meandered through the cluttered barn. Finally out of Joel’s sight line, Ellie’s shoulders relaxed when they reached the animal pens. She wished she could get this over with. She’d felt the blood with every step she took and was sure it was soaking through her pants at this point.

Tess leaned against the wooden wall of an animal pen. “So Marlene didn’t pack anything for you?”

“What do you think?” Ellie snapped. Tess’s eyes flashed with a warning, and Ellie bit the inside of her cheek. Maybe she shouldn’t have said that.

“I’m gonna say this once.” Tess’s husky voice was low and commanding. “You don’t touch any of my shit without my permission. Got that?”

Ellie fought the urge to squirm under Tess’s hard stare. “Yeah.”

“Hand me a clean shirt.”

Ellie stared at Tess in disbelief. “You want me to use my shirt?”

“You’d rather have it go through your jeans?”

Days ago, Tess had warned Ellie to save her clean clothes for when what she wore got too smelly. With the long sleeve shirt she wore, and the ones drying over the animal stalls, Ellie had only one clean T-shirt left. She bent over and dug it out of her pack before holding it out to Tess. Tess took it and went to work immediately, cutting into the gray fabric with her knife. Then she ripped it the rest of the way, fabric fraying as she tore. She repeated the actions until she’d ripped a long strip of fabric from a section of the shirt.

She handed the makeshift pad to Ellie. “Fold that up and use it.”

Ellie looked down at the thin fabric and released a small sigh. It was better than nothing. “Thanks.”

Tess continued ripping at the rest of the T-shirt, and Ellie stepped into one of the animal pens for privacy. A few minutes later, Ellie had three thick rectangles of folded fabric in her pack. To Ellie’s relief, only a dot of blood had gone through her jeans. Tess said it was too low to notice, and Ellie figured that was true.

They spent the next few minutes collecting all of their things. Ellie considered swiping a metal horseshoe she'd spotted on a shelf, but it felt too heavy to carry comfortably. She imagined the massive size of the horse that might have worn it.

Finally, they were ready to go, stepping out of the barn and into the tall grass. Ellie followed close behind Tess and Joel, trailing a hand over the blades the grass so that they tickled her palm. When she reached the road, she took one last look at the barn in a silent goodbye, feeling twinges of disappointment that they wouldn’t return. Since leaving Boston, they hadn't stayed in one place for that long before, and she’d started getting used to the dark wood and the pale hay. She faced forward again, stepping onto the gravel, ready for the road ahead.

Chapter Text

On Carey road, the houses were like planets stretched out across the solar system. Sometimes half an hour would pass between each one. What was it like to live so spread out? Ellie couldn’t imagine it, having lived doors away from dozens of girls her whole life.

Back in the QZ, in the evenings before quiet hours, girls would pile into each other's rooms, talking over each other and playing games. Ellie had rarely participated until Riley began dragging her down the hall to play poker. Riley possessed a skill Ellie had never gotten the hang of—making friends. She remembered those nights playing poker, seeing Riley scratch next to the red-rimmed hole in her head before playing an ace. Ellie winced, her steps faltering. She shook the thought away from her head.

A few hours into walking, when the sun was high in the sky, they stopped to eat. Joel had caught more squirrels that morning, one mostly flattened from his deadfall trap. Among the squirrels that hung from his pack were three small birds, also mostly flattened.

The three sat in the grass just off the road near a cluster of trees where they’d gotten sticks to build a small fire. Except for the trees beside them, grass stretched out as far as Ellie could see. Nebraska didn’t seem to care much for trees. Around every trunk were dead branches, as if the earth below were telling the trees they didn’t belong.

While Joel and Tess skinned the food, Ellie and Tess discussed smuggling strategies, which Ellie discovered required a lot of bribing—every windfall came at a cost.

“But it’s still worth it, right?” Ellie asked. Her arms were wrapped around raised knees.

Tess, sitting criss-crossed, plucked a section of feathers from the bird in her hands. “Usually, but some officers stole the whole lot and the bribe.”

Ellie’s brows rose. “What’d you do to them?”

“We moved shipments on their off days.”

Ellie figured that was smarter than killing the officers, which probably would have put targets on their backs. Then she remembered, “I had a bad trade once, too.”

Tess glanced up. “With another kid?”

“Yeah, I couldn’t catch the flu going around, so I traded my lunch everyday so this guy would cough on me, but,” Ellie’s words trailed off because of Tess’s expression. Tess’s mouth had opened slightly with a half-formed question on her lips. “What?” Ellie asked.

“Why were you trying to catch the flu?”

Ellie explained as if it were obvious, “They don’t let us skip classes unless we’re sick.” Back then, Ellie’s asshole teacher, Mrs. Vershov, had an even shorter fuse than usual, and a third of her class got to be sick in their beds—lucky bastards. “Anyway, it didn’t work, so I lost a week of lunch for nothing.”

“Is it that bad there?” Tess flicked small gray feathers off her fingers.

“Worse, I fucking hated that school—and the QZ. Why do you guys live there if you don’t have to?”

The corner of Tess’s mouth rose. “Most people live in QZs”

“But your friends didn’t.” Tess’s hands froze, and Ellie mentally kicked herself, dropping her gaze to the grass. She’d reminded Tess of her dead friends, dug up whatever memories Tess had tried to bury. As if feeling left out, Ellie’s mind played echoes of Riley’s choked snarls, growing louder until she shook the memory away.

“Sorry,” she blurted out. Though Riley’s sounds had dissipated, Ellie’s chest still felt tense in the seconds she waited for Tess to respond.

“It’s fine,” Tess finally said, and Ellie’s shoulders relaxed. “QZs are a lot safer than out here.”

Ellie pulled her mouth to the side. That’s what she’d been taught her whole life, but they hadn’t seen another person or an Infected since leaving Kansas City. “It seems pretty safe out here too.”

“That’s cause we made it safe,” Joel corrected, his focus still on his half-skinned squirrel. He sounded annoyed, like Ellie’s observation had been some affront to him. She hadn’t even realized he was listening.

“Safe from what? There’s nothing out here,” Ellie said.

Tess answered for him. “An Infected got near us a few days ago. You slept through it.”

Ellie’s mouth opened slightly. She would’ve wanted to see them take down an Infected, to be a part of the action. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

Joel lifted his head, irritation evident as his eyes met Ellie’s. “Wake you up for what?”

She thought of the first excuse that came to mind. “So I could back you guys up.”

Joel made a sound with his teeth. “You’re cargo. That’s not your job.”

A flare of irritation burned through her and she took a slow breath to tamp it down. Cargo. Something about the word picked at her, burrowing under her skin.

Tess’s eyes showed a faint glimmer of amusement when Ellie glanced at her. “You know the world’s full of Infected? It won’t be the last one.”

Tess’s words hadn’t touched what had bothered her, but the attempt made her mouth lift. “Yeah, I guess.”

They cooked two squirrels and a bird over the small fire, creating a kind of soup in the small iron pot Joel had. Thoughts of ‘cargo’ and memories of Riley swirled around in Ellie’s head as she ate meat from her fingers, and it felt like a constant effort to quiet her mind. Once everyone had finished, Tess stamped out the fire and they were back on the road again.

Gravel made small scrapes against the bottoms of Ellie’s shoes, a repetitive sound growing just as familiar as the buzzing fans in her classrooms. Ahead of her, Joel pushed along like his shoes had weights on them, requiring extra force with every step. Tess, walking beside her, loosely held her backpack straps, taking smooth, measured steps. Ellie had tried matching Tess’s walk a few times, but her hands always tired from a too tense grip around her own backpack straps.

Walking for hours every day was so different. Ellie’s world used to be a brick building where movement was only reserved for hallways or the short distances between furniture. Then, like the Big Bang, her world expanded to endless gravel roads and wide open skies instead of the maze of closed-in dormitory walls. The years spent trapped in that school had convinced her she’d never leave the barbed-wired walls of the QZ. She’d figured she’d spend her life doing grunt work or maybe climbing up the FEDRA officer ranks.

Now she knew there was more, and she decided that she’d never go back, never step foot in Boston again. But then what would she do after the cure? She sure as shit wouldn’t become a soldier blowing herself up for the Fireflies. Joel and Tess were planning to ditch her once they reached Wyoming. Imagining her future felt like trying to catch smoke in her hands.

She wished they needed her, that she could become so useful that they’d never think to ditch her. Her only use to them was her immunity, the most useful thing in the world apparently, but that alone still wasn’t enough. Whoever handed her to the Fireflies would get the biggest windfall of their lives—now that she thought of it, it made no sense they weren’t taking her the whole way. As smugglers, they should have been jumping at the chance, unless they were planning to split it three ways with Joel’s brother. Joel had basically said so back when they’d gotten the truck.

Ellie chose her words carefully. “So once we find Joel’s brother, he'll bring me the rest of the way, right?”

“That’s the plan,” Tess answered.

“He’ll get a bunch of stuff for bringing me. What if he takes off and doesn’t share it?”

The question didn’t seem to phase Tess like Ellie had hoped. “If they make the cure, I don’t care what he does.”

If the cure was all Tess cared about, then why didn’t she want to stay while they made it? Ellie tried another method. “Are you gonna take the cure when it’s done?”

Tess tilted her head, her expression thoughtful. “As long as it works, but vaccines take a long time to make.”

“Well, however long it takes, you should get it first,” Ellie said earnestly.

“They probably have a list already, and I know I’m not on it.”

That wasn’t fair. Tess and Joel were doing all the work of getting her to the Fireflies. If anyone should get the cure first, it was them. “I’ll tell them to put you on it.”

Tess made a barely audible exhale, a ghost of a chuckle. “I’ll hold you to it.”

Tess was joking, but Ellie figured she could make sure they got the cure. She was the reason it was possible—the Fireflies would owe her something for that. Ellie’s hope lifted at the thought. “Really though. I’ll get your name on the list. That way you can come back.”

“We’re not coming back,” Joel’s annoying voice butted in.

Ellie fixed her gaze on the back of Joel’s head. “I wasn’t talking to you.”

“Doesn’t matter. Don’t bring it up again.”

His voice came harsh, fueling an anger Ellie had held back for the past week. It flared in her chest, heating her neck, then her face. Words tumbled out like wildfire, unrestrained. “What the fuck is your problem? You're scared of going to the Fireflies, you’re scared of a necklace. Anything else you’re afraid of?”

“Ellie, watch it,” Tess warned.

“I’m just asking questions, or is he afraid of those, too?” Joel kept walking like she hadn’t said a word. Ellie wouldn’t let him dismiss her again—not this time. She spoke louder. “Helloo, Earth to Joel.”

Joel stopped walking, and Ellie almost collided into his back. Then he turned, his glare boring into her. “Back off. I mean it.”

“Or what? You’ll go for another walk?” Ellie spat out, closing her hands into fists.

Tess pressed a firm hand on Ellie's shoulder, making her stumble back. “That’s enough,” Tess chided.

Ellie’s heart thudded as she jerked her shoulder away from Tess’s grip.

“This ain’t worth it, Tess,” Joel said.

Tess turned sharp eyes on him. “Meaning what?”

“Two days in and out. That’s what you said.” Joel’s voice rose. “Now we got no clue where we are, stuck with a kid who won't pipe down long enough for us to think.”

Ellie’s brows furrowed, worry instantly coiling at what Joel had said. “Wait. We’re lost?”

“No. The maps got smudged. It’s fine,” Tess said before turning her icy gaze back to Joel. “I told you not to come if you didn’t want to.”

“And what if something happened to you?” Joel argued back.

“You think I can’t make this trip alone?” Tess’s rough voice held a warning in it, getting a quick wince out of Joel.

“That’s not what I–”

“Cause I said to turn around the last time you complained. You still can if you want.”

Something in Joel’s jaw shifted, and his chest rose and fell with a slow breath. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Then let’s go.” Tess moved first, charging up the road, leaving Ellie and Joel in silence.

Meeting Joel’s eyes again made Ellie’s breaths thin as anger stirred up again, so she brushed past Joel, knocking her shoulder into his arm before jogging ahead to catch up with Tess. When she fell into step beside Tess, Ellie spoke up, feeling somewhat triumphant that Tess had defended her. “I don’t mind if he goes back.”

“Zip it, Ellie,” Tess snapped.

Ellie’s stomach wound into a tight knot. Tess was mad again, just like last night, and Ellie ground her shoes into the gravel with every step. All she’d done was defend herself and Joel had started it—just had to shut her down again—he couldn’t resist the fucking chance.

She and Tess were the only ones making this trip bearable, and he wanted them to pipe down. What did he expect them to do? Walk in silence for ten hours a day? He had a stick up his ass—no a fucking log—and he’d called her cargo, like she was just one of their packs, like she hadn’t saved his sorry ass back in Kansas City. He shouldn’t have come back last night—should’ve kept walking all the way back to Boston where he could be miserable in peace.

The next few hours passed mostly in silence, just how Joel fucking liked it. Ellie had tried a few more times to talk to Tess, but Tess only gave short, flat answers or pretended not to hear Ellie’s observations. The only upside was that Joel walked behind them, so she could at least pretend he wasn’t there.

As the sky turned pink, the sun touching the grass, a mass of black birds flew overhead. There must have been at least a hundred of them. They all moved together like they shared one mind, rising, falling, and twisting in unison. Ellie wondered if they had an asshole bird in their group that started shit over nothing. Probably not.

Ellie still glowered when they reached a small, straight bridge with a creek beneath it. A group of trees surrounded the length of the creek, much denser than other clusters, like the trees had been parched and recently gathered, pushing past each other to suck up the water. The three made camp on flat ground where the trees grew more sparse.

Ellie knew the drill already, collecting fallen branches for the campfire as soon as she set her pack down. The closer she got to the creek, the more dense the trees became. The ground dipped around the low creek, its trees angled inward, creating a sparse ceiling of leaves as far as the branches could reach. At the edge of the creek, she scanned for fish, but couldn’t find any. Of course she couldn’t. At that moment, Nebraska felt like a dead place with barely anything to look at.

When Ellie returned to camp, Tess was pulling Joel’s small iron pot out of his pack. Joel, bent on one knee, arranged a small pile of sticks for the campfire. Just seeing him made Ellie steam, remembering how he’d ruined the whole day. As much as Ellie disliked kids her own age, they at least told her what was wrong to her face, fought her if they hated her. Adults were different. They hid their thoughts and intentions, and the ones that hated her blamed her for their own misery.

Ellie walked up to Joel with slow, measured steps. Usually she would have set the sticks next to his pile, but instead she dropped them right on top, a few colliding into his hands and wrists on the way down. Joel leaned back on his knee, his hard gaze slowly lifting to look up at her. He lowered his brows, looking peeved enough. Good. She tried on the emotionless look he’d given Tess last night, the one that had pissed Tess off even more. She waited, bracing herself, daring him to say something, to give her a reason.

“Ellie.” Her name sounded like a weapon firing off, and Ellie shifted her attention, taking in Tess’s icy glare. “Come with me.” Tess held the small pot in one hand and her pack in the other. “And bring your bag,” she added as she passed Ellie, heading towards the creek.

“Why?” Ellie asked, making Tess stop and face her.

“Because I told you to get it.”

Ellie glanced down at Joel, his focus now on Tess, and she followed with slow, cautious steps. She bent to grab her pack by its handle, feeling like she was walking into a trap.

When they got to the creek, Ellie shuffled down the steep dip in the ground before reaching Tess on a flat section of dirt. She coached herself—Tess wasn’t like her teachers, even if she was upset, and on the off chance that she was like her teachers, it’d be better to find out now rather than later. Ellie straightened her back, preparing for what might come.

Tess was crouched, dipping the small black pot into the water until it filled. “How many clean pads do you have left?” Tess asked, lifting the pot from the water and setting it to the side.

Tess didn’t sound that angry, so Ellie took that as a good sign. That morning, they’d stopped at a small house where Tess had found more clothing Ellie could use for her period. The extra clothes hadn’t been cut yet, so Ellie only counted the cloth that had already been torn.

“One.” She dropped her pack down on the rocky dirt. “But weren’t you gonna make more?”

“No, you can make your own. You need to clean the other ones. Get them out.” Tess leaned over, unzipping her pack.

Ellie hesitated. The idea of Tess seeing her blood-stained fabric made her neck prickle with heat. “Are you gonna watch?”

Tess pulled out two pairs of underwear and her white ball of soap. “I won't if you won’t.” She dipped them in the water, lifted them up, and began scrubbing.

After a few seconds, Ellie bent to pull out her makeshift pads. She held the fabric in a tight fist close to her leg, so Tess wouldn’t see.

“Here,” Tess said in a clipped tone. She handed the wet soap to Ellie, whose clammy hands almost let it slip from her grasp. Ellie sat on her knees, still hiding the fabric. Beside her, water splashed as Tess dipped her soapy underwear back into the creek, squeezing it beneath the surface. Ellie checked one more time to make sure Tess wasn’t looking before quickly dipping one of the pads into the cool water. She unraveled the fabric under the surface, not wanting to lift it up.

“Get it soapy until it suds. Then put it back under,” Tess instructed. When Ellie hesitated, Tess spoke in a softer voice. “I won’t look. You’re fine.”

Taking a steady breath, Ellie lifted the fabric up and rubbed the soap against it.

While wringing her underwear out, water falling in heavy drips, Tess spoke again. “Whatever game you’re playing with Joel, cut it out.”

Ellie paused her scrubbing, lowering the fabric. “I'm not playing anything,” she lied.

“Oh, you weren’t?” Tess set her wet clothing on her pack, then faced Ellie again. “I’ve done a lot of awful things, but you know what I don’t do?” Ellie shook her head, feeling exposed, wanting to change the subject. “I don’t pretend I’m right about them.”

Ellie scoffed. “So he’s right. Got it.”

“No. I’m saying this trip will be hard enough. I need you both to get along.”

“If he wasn’t a dick, we would.”

Tess’s gaze went cold. “That wasn’t a suggestion.” There was that warning in her voice again, one that Ellie’s instincts knew not to push against.

“Okay,” Ellie resigned, just wanting to end the topic all together.

Tess didn't say much after that other than explaining how to clean the fabric. Ellie did what Tess said, feeling less exposed, more like they were on the same team again.

Once they were finished, they hung their wet pieces of fabric over a skinny branch within a dense area of trees.

“What if Joel sees?” Ellie asked.

“I’ll tell him no boys allowed,” Tess said, which got a small smile out of Ellie.

Later, while the food cooked and the water in the iron pot boiled, Tess slept in her sleeping bag. She did that sometimes on the nights Joel took watch before her. Her food would always be gone by morning, so Ellie assumed she ate it on the second watch.

Ellie sat with her back against a tree trunk near the campfire. She did her best to ignore both Joel and her grumbling stomach, shining a flashlight on the amusement park brochure she’d grabbed from the rest stop. When she’d first looked through the brochure, the bright images of smiling faces and roller coasters had been exciting, the same feeling she got from watching movies—a glimpse into a world that no longer existed. But on this night, the brochure reminded her of how she’d felt seeing the empty animal pens, and every page taunted, ‘You missed it. You missed it all.’ She saw the kids with parents, kids with no fear in their eyes, no memories to hide from. She crumpled the paper in a fist, then stuffed it back in her pack.

Across the campfire, Joel used his knife to scrape at the end of a short stick. Thin shavings of wood sprinkled the orange-lit dirt beneath. Ellie wondered what he was doing, but she wouldn’t ask, even if her life depended on it.

When the squirrels were done, Ellie ate silently like she usually did on the nights Tess slept early, only this time she felt a tension she couldn’t shake. The argument earlier had been a release, but it had opened a door to other emotions, the kind Ellie had worked for weeks to close herself from.

The last argument she’d had was the night Riley ran away. In the weeks before that, something had shifted between them, like a lock clicking into place. Ellie would spend classes watching the clock, counting down the minutes until she could make Riley laugh at one of her dumb jokes again. Then Riley, the first person Ellie had ever let in, told her their friendship was bullshit, that Ellie acted like a little kid, and that she was tired of it. In the morning, she was gone.

After that, and after Riley died, Ellie promised herself she’d never let anyone else get close to her again. Some promise that had been because whenever she was on Tess’s good side, she felt like sunlight was shining on her, and she leaned towards it like she’d never felt warmth before.

Tess and Joel gave glimpses into the life she could have, where she could help them, be a part of a team, and in those moments, her future felt somewhat solid, not like trying to catch smoke. If Tess and Joel liked her then there was a chance they’d guide her past Wyoming, maybe guide her through life so she’d never feel lost again.

It was so stupid. The want felt heavy, wrapped in thick layers of denial and Ellie wished she could throw it away from herself, so she wouldn’t care whether or not they ditched her. No matter how many times she reminded herself they wouldn’t stay, her hope clung on, hungered, gobbling every morsel that hinted they might. She knew she should distance herself, stop trying to make Tess smile, stop trying to make Joel give her a chance. She knew giving up would be the smart thing to do.

The idea of accepting defeat pulled her fears right up to her face, the fear that sooner or later she’d be alone again with no one. Later tht night, as Ellie slid into her mold-smelling sleeping bag, it hit her—she didn’t have anyone. She was already alone and she always would be.

The next morning, a blanket of clouds had spread across the sky, blotting out the sun. The world seemed to have a gray film over it, giving up when it came to showing colors. Joel slept in his sleeping bag near the fire while Tess sat up against a tree, also asleep. Ellie scooted out of her sleeping bag and rose, a sense of unease growing as she approached Tess.

“Guess it was my turn to wake you up,” Ellie said, tapping Tess's shoe with her foot when she reached her.

Then she heard it, rough, scratchy breaths. Tess blinked, squinting up at her, and Ellie stumbled back, taking in the bloodshot eyes. Her throat squeezed. Not again. Please, not again. Tess lunged forward, knocking Ellie over, white strings of cordyceps reaching out of her mouth as she growled and snapped over Ellie’s face. Ellie yelled, pushing with all her might, her legs kicking, her heart pounding—

Ellie’s eyes shot open, and she sucked in rapid, shaky breaths. Bright white stars peeked between the dark leaves above. A dream. Just a dream, but her whole body felt tense and her heart still thudded like her worst fears had been real. Memories flashed. First came Riley, then Sam, then Tess from her dream, all piling up, clawing over each other until she heard Tess’s voice, low and husky, not scratchy, drifting past the campfire. Joel’s voice responded and Ellie looked over, seeing them a few feet from the fire. The Nebraska map, lit by the flashlight Joel held, was spread across the grass as they looked over it. They were alive, not Infected, not Infected.

“Local roads are safer,” Joel said.

“Local roads are slower,” Tess countered. “Without the interstate, we won't make it there in time.”

Joel shook his head slowly at the map, and Ellie focused on the human movement. Alive. Not Infected. Finally, the chant in her head began to slow her heart rate.

“Then maybe we don’t,” Joel said.

Tess released a short sigh. “We’ll never find Tommy if every landmark’s covered in snow.”

“Who’s jumping to conclusions now?” Joel asked, looking over at her.

Tess met his gaze. “Why are you so fucking stubborn?”

Joel’s mouth twitched up. “You getting tired of me now?”

Tess leaned forward slowly, a challenge in her eyes. “I’ve been tired of you for years.”

Ellie blinked, unsure if they were about to fight or kiss. She hoped it wasn’t the latter. Joel huffed out a small laugh, dropping his attention back to the map. Ellie wouldn’t have believed it if she hadn’t seen it with her own eyes. Happiness didn’t fit Joel, and his small smile made him look unrecognizable.

“Still,” Tess continued, her eyes scanning the map. “We’ve taken major roads on almost every run.”

“And we’ve seen people on those runs,” he said firmly.

“Then we’ll handle them.”

“We shouldn’t. Not this time,” he cautioned, causing Tess to look up again.

Her voice became tight, edged with frustration. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been–” Tess’s words stopped, replaced by the sounds of buzzing crickets and the crackling campfire.

“Been what?”

“Ever since we got the maps you’ve been,” Tess seemed to think for a second. “tense.”

Joel’s mouth tightened. “I’m fine. The girl’s the one getting tense.”

“She just wants you to like her.”

“Hm. She’s got a funny way of showing that,” Joel said.

Tess’s gaze went distant, towards the fire. “It’s how kids are.”

Ellie made a face. She didn’t want Joel to like her. She just wanted him to stop being an ass, and talk to her like a human being, and maybe let her hunt with him sometimes.

Joel let out a soft exhale, pulling Tess’s attention back. “Either way, you should rein things in with her. She’s getting ideas.”

“We’ve been over this. I’m not gonna ignore her,” Tess said, her tone resolute.

“That’s not what I meant. You’re making promises we can’t keep.”

“If this is about earlier, I didn’t make promises. She assumed. Case closed.”

Joel shook his head. “She assumed cause of you. Now you got her thinking we’ll stick around after this.”

Ellie's breathing stopped at Joel’s words. He’d opened her up and had taken her secrets and wants without her ever realizing. She wanted to yank them back, hide them away, but it was too late. He knew, and the shame of that alone heated her neck and her face up to the top of her head. She wanted to disappear.

“If she asks again, I’ll tell her, but you didn’t do us any favors starting shit with a kid,” Tess said, and Joel made a small grunt of acknowledgement. “What is it with the necklace, anyway?”

Joel's eyes darted away. “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing. So you went off for hours over nothing?” Joel kept his attention on the dark trees as if he were far more interested in the chirping crickets. Tess’s voice was gentle when she spoke again. “Did…she have one like that? Cause if she did, I could get Ellie–”

“Stop,” Joel cut her off.

“Joel, I’m trying to–”

“We having a heart-to-heart?” Joel asked, snapping his head towards her. “Should we bring up Charlie too then?”

Ellie had no idea who they were talking about, but whoever they were, she was pretty sure they were dead. As if awakened by the thought of death, the memories Ellie had quieted earlier began scratching at the edges of her consciousness. Stop.

Across the fire, Tess’s jaw shifted like her teeth were clenched. “You know what? Deal with it yourself.”

“I am.”

Tess picked up the map, paper shuffling, and she stood. Twigs snapped under her feet as she walked away from Joel over to her pack. When Ellie glanced back at Joel, he was looking right at her, and Ellie quickly shut her eyes as if the act would make her invisible. She waited for him to say something or to approach her, but he didn't speak and nothing happened. When she opened her eyes again, Joel was facing away, crouched by his sleeping bag, unzipping it.

She’d known something about the necklace had angered Joel, but what Tess had asked made her realize why, and her stomach squeezed. She was making him remember.

Ellie knew how it felt when memories picked the side of the dead, hunting her down when she hid from them. Between the stress of the day, and the hours of silence, bad thoughts had been more persistent in their hunt, better able to crack through and reveal themselves despite Ellie’s best efforts.

The entire day there’d been this tension in her, like she’d been blocking a door, her feet sliding to keep it closed. Now the nightmare had weakened her defenses, and a memory took hold, clutching her, one of Riley in their dorm room, throwing jokes and laughing, only it wasn’t Riley. Her glossy eyes stared unblinking. Within her smile, white tendrils of cordyceps wound between the cracks in her teeth. Ellie’s thoughts clutched harder, showing blood streaking down Riley’s cheek from the bullet wound in her forehead—Stop thinking about it.

Ellie's breaths picked up and her stomach squeezed harder, knotting up until it hurt, so Ellie held her breath, held her muscles tight, coiling to keep all the thoughts out. She spent the next minute struggling against her mind, trying to focus on the fire, on the stars above, and when that didn’t work, she dug her nails into her palms hoping the pain would distract her, but Riley’s laughs morphed, becoming strained and scratchy, the same way she’d sounded before– before–

Her sleeping bag felt too tight, like she was trapped. Her stomach rolled, like she was going to be sick. She shoved at the sleeping bag, unable to push the fabric down far enough, so she dragged herself out of it, not bothering with the zipper. Her breaths came in gasps as she pushed off the ground, stumbling past trees, heading deeper towards the creek.

Some part of her mind caught Tess’s voice behind her, but it was overpowered by the sound of blood rushing in her ears. The dark trees looked like black pillars swirling around her, and the sudden dizziness made her set a hand against a trunk to steady herself. She bent over like she might throw up, the tree’s rough bark pressing hard into her palm.

The memories she’d avoided had finally captured her, broke down her door, and piled on top. She couldn’t get enough air in no matter how hard she gasped. She heard a voice, not Riley's, and then felt pressure on her arm. The words floated past her ears, just syllables and sounds, but the touch brought her closer to reality, and questions floated up through the rush of memories. What was happening to her? Why didn't she die? Why did Riley die? Was this how Joel had felt?

She swayed forward, feeling the pendant of the necklace swing. Riley’s growls grew louder and Ellie reached shaky fingers behind her neck, struggling with the clasp. It was stuck, like the constant memories, so Ellie wrapped a fist around the shark tooth and yanked, the metal clasp dragging hard against the back of her neck, leaving a sting in its place. More pressure wrapped around her arms and she was pulled up. Moonlight lit the outlines of Tess’s face, and her concerned eyes darted all over Ellie. Tess’s firm hands felt steady, like they were telling Ellie’s nerves to be still.

“What’s going on? Are you hurt?” Tess asked. She bent, so her face was level with Ellie’s.

Ellie blinked, causing tears to escape down her cheeks. She gave an absent shake of the head, her breaths finally beginning to steady themselves.

“Was it a bad dream?”

It wasn’t that, but Ellie herself wasn’t sure what had happened, so she gave a slow nod, a half truth.

“Okay.” Tess stood straight and guided Ellie back towards the campfire, resting a hand on her upper back. “I’ll put you back to– I mean, come on.”

Ellie hadn’t put her shoes on, so she stepped carefully, squinting at the ground in the dim, blue moonlight. She stumbled once, causing Tess to wrap her arm around Ellie’s back, her hand steadying her by the shoulder.

As Ellie came back to herself, relief, confusion, and shame swirled all at once. Tess probably thought she was losing it, and Ellie herself considered that may have been true. She focused on putting one foot in front of the other, sliding a sleeve across her cheek as Tess walked her back to camp.

Chapter Text

Ellie’s world had turned on its head since leaving Boston, but one constant remained—birds were loudest in the mornings. Dozens of birds chirped overhead as Ellie scanned the ground, looking around tree trunks, checking one, then the next, then the next.

The hazy blue sky, still brightening from sunrise, made the necklace difficult to spot. It had to be somewhere. It hadn’t been in her sleeping bag or in the grass around camp. If it was this hard to find, it was as good as gone, but the idea that Joel might stumble across it made her keep searching.

Chilly fog stuck to her skin, drawing out goosebumps beneath her shirt sleeves. Usually at this time of day she’d be warm, asleep in her sleeping bag, but last night, sleep had snatched itself away, and she'd tossed and turned instead of resting. Through those hours, Joel and Tess’s words had echoed in her head, pulling down her last remnants of hope.

She’s getting ideas. She assumed. Case closed.

She'd known they were going to ditch her in Wyoming, but hearing it out loud had solidified how stupid she'd been to hope for more. Joel and Tess would become another memory, just more people she’d never see again.

Ellie caught a glimpse of white through stems of grass and weaved around trees in its direction. The necklace sat next to a thick trunk and she bent, lifting it, studying the broken metal ring next to the clasp. Then, looking up, she realized this was where it had happened. The grooves of the bark looked no different from the other trees, but staring at them made her draw her arms to her sides as she remembered.

Tess probably thought she was weak now. Earlier at camp, Ellie had caught Tess watching her a few times, probably pitying her. Why’d she have to freak out? Why couldn’t she have walked off like Joel had done at the barn? At least he’d been strong enough to deal with his memories alone. She pictured Joel alone, leaning against a tree, trying to catch his breath, and her stomach twisted at the thought.

She jumped, startled by movement in her periphery. With silent steps, Joel passed far to Ellie’s right, heading in the direction of the creek for his hunt. Ellie quickly hid the necklace in a fist, though she didn’t need to because Joel kept his sights forward as if Ellie weren’t there. He hated her—she knew it. Earlier at camp, he’d ignored her the same way, granting her wish from last night to be invisible.

Ellie let her hand relax now that Joel was far enough away. All morning, Tess and Joel’s silence had felt like the fog on the ground. It clouded all around them, and she breathed easier being away from it all.

She had to do something with the necklace, maybe throw it in the creek or hide it in her bag. Then another idea formed—she bent to her knees and began to dig into the dirt with her nails, pulling up dewy grass with it. When the shallow hole was wide enough, she placed the necklace in. It settled like it belonged there and she covered it with the loose dirt, pressing her hands over the mound so it would look untouched. With a satisfied breath, she rose, wiping her hands on the sides of her jeans.

Up ahead, Joel descended the grass at the edge of the creek, leaving Ellie’s sight line. She didn’t want to have another morning like this one, heavy and silent. Maybe if he knew she’d given up her fight, he’d go back to at least tolerating her again. Like Tess had said, it’d be easier if they got along.

Ellie headed for the creek, taking quick steps so she could catch up to him. The whole way over, she strategized what she’d tell him. She’d only assumed he’d been on some power trip and all she’d wanted was to get under his skin, not dig up whatever memories he kept hidden.

Every explanation sounded more stupid than the last, and she knew Joel wouldn’t care for them. Still, she had to try getting some semblance of normal back. By the time she descended the steep section of hill, Joel had already reached the cement bridge that the road passed over.

The underside of the bridge arched over the creek, leaving a narrow patch of dirt on either side where the cement met the ground. Joel went under, setting a hand on the cement as he walked. Ellie jogged ahead, reaching the bridge after Joel had gotten to the other side.

The dirt along the cement wall was wide enough, but it angled down towards the water’s edge, so Ellie copied Joel and pressed a hand against the wall, going under. Joel scaled the tree-lined hill alongside the creek, so Ellie moved faster, starting to close the distance. Then the world rose up as something hard rolled beneath her shoe. She instinctively leaned towards the wall, catching nothing but flat cement, and splashed down, gasping from the shock of the chilly water that reached up to her knees. The steepness of the creek bed almost pulled her further in, but she dug her shoes into the angled mud, her knees sinking in at the edge of the water. Great—just great.

Joel must have noticed the splashing sounds because the next thing Ellie heard was “Goddammit.”

She took in the sharp line of Joel’s mouth as he came back down the hill. Ellie moved to get up, but her shoes had been enveloped by the mud, like the creek didn’t want to let go. Every attempt made her shoes slip further off, so she flexed her feet, trying again to pull herself out. She got one foot onto the dry dirt just as Joel reached the bridge. She struggled to get her other foot out, so Joel leaned forward, holding out a large hand that Ellie took. He pulled her up the rest of the way, causing her shoe to only come halfway off.

“What the hell are you doing?” he asked, letting go of her hand as soon as she stood.

Ellie wiggled her heel back into her shoe. She pushed down the nerves that threatened to rise up, and went for levity instead. “Just thought I’d take a dip.”

Joel’s stern expression remained, clearly unamused by her joke. “I told you already. I hunt alone.” He turned away from her and started for the hill again. Ellie followed him onto the grass, out of the shadow that the bridge made. With every step, she felt the cold globs of mud weigh down the bottom half of her jeans. “That’s not it. I–” At Ellie’s words, Joel stopped walking, taking a second before slowly turning to face her. She still hadn’t thought of what to say.

“You what?” Joel asked, his tone clipped with impatience. His eyes fell to the mud on her pants and she searched for the right words.

Nervousness made her hands feel hot and clammy. “I got rid of it. The necklace.”

Joel’s eyes met hers again. The weight of his gaze made Ellie’s shoulders drop slightly. The birdsong above filled the silence as Ellie waited for any reaction. She'd made him more upset for mentioning it. He probably hated her more now, if that was even possible.

Then Joel moved, shifting his weight, and gave a short nod. “Try not to drown on your way back.” With that, he left her, taking slow steps back up the hill.

Ellie stood there a few seconds, thrown off. She hadn't expected Joel to shout for joy or anything, but she still had no idea where she stood with him. That shouldn’t have shocked her. Trying to understand Joel felt like walking through a maze in the dark.

The sky was much lighter when Ellie reached camp. Tess sat against a tree with her T-shirt sleeve rolled up. She was re-tying a long strip of fabric over the wound in her arm. Back in Kansas City, when they’d been ambushed, Tess had taken a graze to the shoulder during the shootout. She held one side of the bandage between her teeth in an attempt to tie it off with one hand. When she saw Ellie, her eyes widened, and the fabric fell from her mouth, all of it sliding down to her elbow.

“What happened?” Tess asked.

Ellie slowed next to the smoking pile of sticks and ash. “I fell in the creek,” she uttered shortly, not wanting to relive it.

Tess’s brows knitted. “You fell in– how did you fall in the creek?”

“Walking…next to it,” Ellie said, not caring to explain that she’d followed Joel. Tess looked ready to ask another question, but Ellie changed the subject before she could. “Do you want help with that?”

Tess glanced down at her shoulder. “No, I’ve got it.” She nodded towards the pack next to her foot. “Use the soap from my bag and wash the mud off. We’ll dry your pants later tonight.”

While Ellie gathered the soap and her other pair of pants, she took solace in the fact that Tess had stopped watching her with concerned eyes like she’d done earlier that morning. Tess hadn’t brought up what had happened last night, but Ellie still wondered if Tess saw her differently now, saw her as a whiny little kid who ran away to cry in the middle of the night. Who would want to be around someone like that?

With the change of pants and the soap bunched in one arm, Ellie spoke, making Tess pause her wrapping. “Um, last night, when I was…” Her words faded, and she struggled to define it. Trying again, she said, “I’m not like that. It’s not gonna happen again.” Tess's eyes softened, and a rush of shame ignited in her. She wished Tess would be stoic and not react, like how Joel had done.

“Sometimes we have bad days, right?” Tess murmured as she put one end of the fabric between her teeth and started tying the knot.

Ellie blinked. Tess had said it like it was no big deal. A weight Ellie hadn’t known was there lifted slowly from her shoulders, and she stood straighter. “Yeah.”

Later, Ellie changed her pants by a large bush far enough that no one would see her. At the creek, she tried her best with the muddy pants, wiping off as much as possible from the fabric. It took a while, and the soap helped, but in the end the bottom half of her jeans were stained a faded brown.

Back at camp, Ellie took advantage of Joel being gone, pulling out her new extra shirts to cut more makeshift pads. She cut into her fabric with her switchblade and ripped it the rest of the way, like Tess had shown her in the barn. A few feet away, Tess had the map spread out over a bent leg. She wrote on it with a pencil, using her leg as a surface. As Ellie ripped a third strip of fabric, Tess spoke up.

“Ellie, can I see your joke book?”

Ellie frowned. She wanted to read puns? “Sure?” Ellie sat the cloth and the switchblade on the grass, then opened her pack, reaching past her balled up wet jeans to get to the book. She brought the book over to Tess, who slid it underneath the map as soon as she took it.

“Thanks,” Tess said, drawing a straight line over the large blurry section of the map, using the book as a surface. Blurry smudges covered the bottom half of the map and within the smudges were long penciled lines of roads with their names.

“How lost are we?” Ellie asked.

Tess looked up at her. “I told you, we’re not lost.”

“Okay,” Ellie drew out the word, making it clear she wasn’t buying it. “How not lost are we?”

After exhaling briefly, Tess patted the grass next to herself. “I’ll show you.” Ellie sat, lifting a knee up to her chest, and Tess traced a small circle with the pencil right in the middle of a smudged area. “We’re here.”

“Uh huh,” Ellie said, trying to make out the faded lines and words. “Now that you’ve pointed that out, I’m more convinced we’re lost.”

Tess gave Ellie a look that said she was pushing it. “I know where we’re going.”

Ellie pulled her mouth to the side. Farther above the area Tess had circled was Lincoln, the town Joel had said was too dangerous. Still, it was the closest readable section. “Are we going towards Lincoln?”

Tess shook her head. “No, we’re going this way.” She slid a finger across the map through miles and miles of blurry paper, stopping once she reached the more legible center of the map. “We’re on a road that’s a straight shot out of this area. We’ll get there in a week.”

If it was just a straight road, that didn't seem too bad. “So we’re not lost,” Ellie said.

“No, we’re not.”

Ellie held back a growing smirk. “That reminds me. I have another question.”

“What is it?” Tess drew another long line.

“What do a map and a snake have in common?”

Tess glanced up, catching on. “No idea.”

“Wait–no.” Ellie looked up at the leaves, trying to remember. “It’s what do a map and a fish have in common?” Tess stopped writing, waiting in muted expectation. “They both have scales.”

Tess tilted her head. “Snakes have scales too. The joke works either way.”

“Oh, right,” Ellie said. Tess hadn’t given much of a reaction like Ellie had wanted, but Ellie had better puns she could try. “Wanna hear another one?”

After a moment, Tess put the pencil down and set a hand on the grass, leaning away from the map. “Fine, shoot.”

Ellie pulled her pun book from under the map and she flipped it open. The first few she read got the same muted expression from Tess, but then she read one that made Tess’s soft smile appear. Ellie kept going, and every time Tess smiled or praised a pun, her chest expanded with warmth. Ellie feigned offense at the puns Tess said were awful and Tess doubled down, making short laughs escape out of Ellie.

She hoped the rest of the trip could be like this, maybe after the trip, she could get her hands on an even better pun book, one that would get constant smiles out of Tess and–Ellie smothered the thought as soon as it came, stuffing the hope beneath layers, hiding it.

The warmth heated until flames of anger burned through her, charring her insides. She was alone. They would leave her. Why couldn’t she get it through her head?

“Does this one have a punchline?” Tess asked.

Ellie had just asked how someone would organize an outer space party. “You planet,” she muttered. She shut the pun book, no longer in the mood for it.

“The joke wasn’t that bad,” Tess reassured.

In a stiff motion, Ellie held out the book to Tess. “Here. You can keep using it.”

Tess took it, a hesitant look in her eyes. “Are you alright?”

Now Ellie was making Tess feel sorry for her again. “I’m just bored,” Ellie said abruptly. She pushed off the ground and walked back to the fabric she’d left in the grass, feeling Tess’s eyes watching her. She kept her eyes down as she sat, grabbing the half-torn shirt and forcefully ripping it the rest of the way.

—

After Ellie cut enough fabric, she passed the time pulling stems of grass out of the ground, and after that, scraping dried mud off of her shoes.

“Pack up your stuff. We’re leaving soon,” Tess said. She was facing the direction of the road, and Ellie followed her gaze.

Joel walked towards them with tufts of gray fur, much larger than squirrels, hanging from his pack. She went to her sleeping bag first and began rolling it up, watching the fur the whole time, trying to make out what it was. Joel reached camp with a pair of large rabbits and several squirrels. Already, Ellie’s stomach groaned, but she’d gotten used to being hungry in the morning. They never really ate breakfast, more like an early lunch a few hours into walking.

While Ellie tied her sleeping bag so it would stay rolled, Joel stopped in front of Tess, who was focused on folding up the map. He spoke in a low voice, but Ellie could still overhear. “Rabbit this time. Your favorite.”

From the grass, Tess’s flat gaze lifted up to his, and she made a noncommittal noise. “Hm.” Then she turned to her bag, unzipping it.

Ellie couldn’t see his expression, but she had a feeling that wasn’t the response he’d been expecting. After a few seconds, he moved away from Tess and headed towards his own sleeping bag, brows lowered. The cold fog between them was back.

A few minutes later, while Ellie and Tess walked to the tree that held the pads and underwear, Ellie’s curiosity got the best of her. “Your favorite food is rabbit?”

“No, chili dogs,” Tess said.

Ellie grimaced. “Chilly dogs?”

The corners of Tess’s eyes crinkled when she saw Ellie’s expression. “Do you know hot dogs?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s like that, but with beans and meat on top.”

“Oh,” Ellie said, relieved. “From before.”

Tess nodded. “From before.”

—

On the road, Ellie’s limbs felt heavy, her lower back ached, and her stomach growled. Every few minutes, her mind would drift off to a cloudy place, taking rest in whatever way it could. She trailed far behind Joel and Tess, snapping out of it every time they stopped, waiting for her to catch up. She wanted to ask to sit down or lie down, preferably in a sleeping bag, but she said nothing.

Tess often made comments about ‘wasting time’ or getting ‘slowed down’. They’d get to the Fireflies months late either way, so Ellie had never understood Tess’s race to reach Wyoming until last night, when she’d said they were trying to beat the snow. If Ellie asked them to stop walking, they’d think she couldn’t keep up, couldn’t hold her own. Then Joel would be right—she’d be cargo they’d have to drag behind. She couldn’t let that be true, so she focused what was left of her energy on keeping up with them, pushing herself with every step, mirroring Joel’s walk.

A while later, the group stopped at an intersection that only allowed them to turn left or right. Carey road had ended and Tess and Joel held the map between themselves, speaking quietly.

Far behind them, Ellie busied herself with trying to kick pebbles and rocks as far down the road as she could. She got in a good kick and the pebble flew through the air, bouncing off the pavement right next to Joel’s foot. Ellie lifted her foot, preparing to kick another pebble, but froze when she looked up. Tess and Joel stared at her over their shoulders.

“Are you trying to hit us?” Tess asked, her voice edged with a warning.

Ellie kicked the air instead, swinging her foot back and forth. “No, I’m seeing how far I can kick them.”

“Well, kick them the other way,” Joel ordered.

They both turned back to the map and Ellie set her foot back on the ground, rolling her eyes. She’d already kicked rocks the other way, but that’d gotten too boring. Back in the woods outside of Boston, the tall trees had surrounded her, creating a fascinating world she’d never experienced. Here, nothing surrounded her, just flat grassy land with low hills in the distance. Every mile looked the same. If she didn’t do something to entertain herself, she’d get too tired and slow once they started walking again. In a way, she was helping them, but they clearly didn’t understand that. Giving up on the pebbles, she walked up to Joel and Tess, curious to see what their plan was.

“If we go back south, we can walk along the river instead,” Joel said to Tess.

Tess shook her head. “That’ll add weeks. We can’t afford it.”

Ellie stopped behind them, a yawn overtaking her as she peered between their shoulders at the map. “I guess we are lost, then.”

“I told you we’re not,” Tess corrected, her eyes still on the map.

“Right. We’re just standing here for fun,” Ellie deadpanned. Tess’s jaw shifted, but outside of that, she ignored Ellie’s comment.

Joel spoke again. “We don’t need to take the river the whole way, just ‘til we reach a section we can read.”

Tess faced him, a flicker of irritation flashing in her eyes. “Joel, I can get us to the interstate right now.”

“We can find our way without it.”

“Wait,” Ellie said, making both of them look back at her. “So if we stay on small roads, we’re lost, but if we go to the interstate, we won’t be lost?”

Tess released a soft sigh. “You could say that.”

“What if we walk near the interstate? Then we won’t run into people,” Ellie said.

“You don’t get a vote,” Joel said sternly.

His tone sparked against a nerve. “That’s bullshit. If it weren’t for me, you’d be de–”

“Hey.” Tess snapped, her glare fixed on Ellie. “We’re not doing this again.”

Ellie wanted to defend herself, but the sharp warning in Tess’s eyes told Ellie she was teetering off her good side, so Ellie swallowed her anger down, letting it smolder in her chest.

Seeming satisfied by Ellie’s silence, Tess switched her attention to Joel. “We’ll try your way for one more day. If that doesn’t work, we’re going my way.”

“Let’s talk it over tonight,” Joel said.

Tess narrowed icy eyes at him. “There’s nothing else to say.” She nodded towards the road and let go of her side of the map. “Let’s turn right. Fold that up for me.” Tess led the way, turning right on a road called Branchwater.

About fifteen minutes later, at the next intersection, they turned left onto Hertford road. Tess didn’t check the map this time, like she was guessing which way they should go. Ellie wondered if Tess wanted them to get more lost so they could throw out Joel’s plan and head to the interstate tomorrow.

—

When they finally stopped to eat, Ellie’s stomach felt like it had turned in on itself. They cooked three squirrels and a rabbit all angled over the fire. The trees they sat next to appeared sickly, most sporting only patches of leaves. Dead twigs and branches littered the ground around their thin trunks, which had at least made for good firewood. The skinned animals hung off of sticks, fat sizzling as it dripped over the flames.

While everything cooked, Tess went back to retracing roads on the map, using Ellie’s pun book as a surface. Joel sat with his forearms on raised knees and spent his time watching Tess, though he pretended not to whenever Tess looked up. The fog between them thickened the air, as heavy as it had been earlier that morning. The map, or Joel’s presence, or maybe both, seemed to add to Tess’s irritation. She erased pencil marks with force, like they had some vendetta against her.

Ellie busied herself with scraping more dirt off her shoes. She rested her chin on her knee, pressing her thigh to her chest and yawning occasionally. Whenever she looked at the food, she willed time to pass faster, but instead, time took forever. Eventually, Joel got up to pull the sticks from the ground. Ellie sat straighter as he set the three sticks of squirrels on his pack so they’d cool in the air. Joel held the fourth stick with the rabbit out to Tess, whose eyes darted up from the map.

“Let Ellie try it first,” Tess said, before looking down again. Joel pressed his lips together.

Ellie frowned, wary of the unfamiliar food. “What’s it taste like?” she asked as Joel stepped around the fire towards her.

“It’s good,” Tess said.

Ellie took the stick from Joel, who didn’t seem happy that he had to give her his prized rabbit.

“Save half of it for Tess,” he said, walking back to his spot.

Tess scratched another line on the map with her pencil. “I’ll have a squirrel. It’s fine.”

“You sure?” he asked, lowering himself to the grass with a grunt.

“You caught it. You should have the other half,” she said in a slow, controlled voice.

Joel parted his mouth like he was going to press the topic, but then he closed it, seeming to change his mind. This was so fucking awkward. Ellie wondered how long they’d be like this. Hopefully not too long or she’d probably get sucked into their fog too.

Ellie waved her stick from side to side like she’d done two nights ago and caught Joel watching her with his mouth half screwed, probably trying to figure out what she was doing. When their eyes met, he looked away, shaking his head. Ellie didn’t care what Joel thought, only that her food would cool off quickly, so she kept waving the roasted, golden-brown rabbit in front of her face. It smelled so good, light wind blowing the scent right up to her nose. The wind picked up and smoke from the fire moved in her direction too, clouding around her face. Ellie scooted over to get out of its way.

Growing too impatient, Ellie picked at the oily skin to pull off a small piece, then snatched her hand away—too hot. She shook her fingers in the air, trying to cool them off. The wind shifted and the cloud of smoke found her face again, stinging her eyes, so she got up and moved closer to Tess’s side.

“It’s just smoke.” Tess said evenly.

“Yeah, but it’s annoying,” Ellie said, dropping onto the grass.

Tess's fingertips were still stained red from skinning the animals earlier. There were about a dozen more penciled-in lines on the map, and Tess had written the names of each road in surprisingly neat handwriting. If she was retracing the local roads, then maybe she wasn’t sabotaging Joel’s plan, but then why did it seem like she’d been guessing which way to turn?

“So,” Ellie began. “Are we making random turns or is there a plan to get un-lost?”

Tess glanced up. “There’s a plan.” She drew another line.

“What is it?” Ellie pressed.

“We’ll find Carey road again.”

“Right, but how?”

With a faint sigh, Tess placed the pencil on the map. “We turned north this morning.” Tess held up a hand, her red-stained fingers pointing to the sky. Then she bent her hand, palm facing downwards. “Then we turned west.” Tess dropped her hand back to her lap. “We’ll go south in a few miles. The road goes to the end of the state. We’ll find it.”

Ellie’s brows pulled together, and she glanced at Joel, who didn’t seem confused at all. She had to be missing something. “But the road stopped,” she said, looking back at Tess.

“Roads end and start again all the time.” Tess picked up her pencil again and bent her head over the map.

Ellie hoped it was as simple as Tess had said. While Ellie didn’t mind their trip getting delayed, she still wanted to make the cure. With the cure, maybe the world would return to how it looked in movies, maybe no one else would die like Riley had. If they remained lost in the middle of nowhere, there’d be no chance of that happening.

About a minute later, the rabbit stopped steaming and Ellie tore off a small, slippery piece, blowing as the heat stung her fingers. She bit down on the meat and her brows shot up as the flavor hit her tongue. “Holy shit, this tastes way better than squirrels.” Ellie tried to pull off a thicker piece, but the center of the rabbit was too hot, so she settled for another tiny strip.

“Don’t get used to it,” Joel said from across the fire. “They’re hard to catch.” Beside Ellie, Tess stopped moving the pencil.

“Not that hard if you caught two,” Ellie said before blowing on another piece.

“It took a lot of work to track them.” Joel’s gaze drifted to Tess as he spoke.

Tess must have felt him watching her because her eyes lifted to his, a chill in her stare. Ellie darted her eyes between them, slowly putting another piece of rabbit in her mouth. Joel flicked his eyes away first, grabbing one of the sticks now that the squirrels seemed to have cooled off.

He and Ellie ate in heavy silence as Tess continued to scribble on the map. Tension curled in Ellie’s stomach. The fog between them was worse now, and she considered going for a walk just to get away from it.

A few minutes later, the rabbit became cool enough for Ellie to tear off larger chunks and she pulled them off, ravenous. It tasted amazing, and she entered a world of her and the roasted rabbit, practically inhaling every bite, no longer focused on Joel and Tess’s issues. She stopped when she realized she’d eaten a bit more than half. By then, Joel had almost finished his squirrel.

“Did you still want the other half?” Ellie asked Joel, cutting through the fog.

Joel glanced at Tess, then back at Ellie. “No, go ahead.”

“Yesss,” Ellie said in a quiet cheer.

While she enjoyed her second helping of the rabbit, Tess lifted her pack that was next to her and set it on the map so the wind couldn’t take it. Then Tess got up and headed further into the group of trees, probably to relieve herself or escape the awkward fog. Ellie chewed a large hunk of rabbit meat, glancing between Joel, who watched Tess, and Tess, who walked further away.

Ellie was starting to feel bad for him. She knew the chilliness of Tess’s bad side and had been careful not to end up there again. Still, the solution seemed clear as day.

She wiped oil from her mouth with the back of her hand. “Have you–” Ellie paused, her body forcing a yawn out of her. She spoke through the yawn. “Have you tried saying sorry?”

“What?” Joel asked, his attention snapping to her.

“Just tell her you didn’t mean it.”

Joel’s brows lowered. “How ‘bout you quit spying on adult conversations?”

Ellie’s nostrils flared briefly. “Yeah, when I learn how to turn my ears off, I’ll get right on that.”

Joel mumbled something that sounded like ‘Jesus Christ’ under his breath, turning his attention back in the direction Tess had gone. He was too stubborn for his own good—ignoring the priceless information Ellie was waving in his face. She tried a different angle, tearing off another chunk of meat. “Look, if you guys break up, the rest of the trip will be really awkward.”

“I don’t need advice from a kid. Leave it alone,” he said firmly.

Ellie lifted her hands a few inches in exaggerated surrender. “Fine, I was just trying to help.”

She quickly finished the rest of the rabbit, feeling full for the first time in weeks. The satisfying feeling relaxed her so much that she decided to rest her head on her pack and watch the clouds. White puffs that looked like faces and animals drifted by, pushed by the wind, and she closed her eyes for a moment, or at least she thought it was a moment because the next thing she knew, someone was jostling her shoulder, pulling her out of the much-needed sleep that had settled on her.

“Could I have a few more minutes?” Ellie pleaded, squinting up at Tess’s blurry face.

“You already had an hour,” Tess said.

Ellie groaned. That hadn’t felt like an hour. Her head felt heavy as she slowly sat up. Joel and Tess already had their packs on, and it took Ellie an embarrassingly long few seconds to get her arms through the straps of her pack. She dragged her feet across the grass as the three walked back to the road.

—

Ellie did her best to keep up with Joel and Tess, walking next to them with Tess in the middle.

“Looks like a storm’s coming.” Joel said, looking to his left, and when Ellie looked, she saw a grouping of gray clouds far off in the distance. It didn't look like a storm to her.

“It might pass us,” Tess said.

About a mile in, they approached a sign that showed a faded picture of a woman’s legs on a beach. The white text above the legs read, Make your getaway today. VIP cabana packages starting at $795! They’d passed several signs like that in the past week, some telling them to try a burger here, others saying to call some old guy for medical malpractice, whatever that was. This sign confused Ellie the most, though. She wasn’t sure how much things used to cost before the outbreak, but hundreds of dollars seemed pretty high just to visit a beach.

“Did people really spend that much to go to the beach?” Ellie asked.

“No, most beaches were free,” Tess said.

“What were they selling then?”

“They’d give you nice seats in the shade.”

Ellie made a face. “That much for a seat?”

Tess shrugged, holding onto her backpack straps as they lifted. “There were perks too, but pretty much.” Tess’s voice sounded light, like Ellie’s questions had amused her. She seemed way less peeved than she’d been earlier. Tess looked to her right towards Joel. “We should book one of those cabanas after all of this.”

Joel’s eyes met Tess’s, a softness in them. “Hm. Never been in one.” Ellie’s brows furrowed as Joel continued talking. “I’ll book it tonight. My treat.”

“Your treat? You sure you can afford that?” Tess teased back.

“Mhm. Course.”

They kept going, saying words like Tahiti and drink service, only adding to Ellie’s confusion. They spoke like they were talking about the weather. It made no sense. Earlier they’d barely looked at each other and now they were pretending to make beach plans.

“You guys are so weird,” Ellie said once they finished their charade.

Joel continued looking ahead, but Tess flashed Ellie a small smile and Ellie instantly noticed the color in her cheeks, the slight glow in her skin that hadn’t been there that morning. Then, as Tess faced forward again, it hit her—Joel had taken her advice. He must have done it while she’d been asleep. Even Joel seemed to be in better spirits, dropping his usual asshole tough-guy routine. His stubborn ass would never admit that she’d been right, but this was evidence enough. Ellie was just glad the heavy fog had dissipated, replaced by a lightness that had put them both in good moods. It must have been some apology.

The cool wind blew hair into Ellie’s eyes and she tucked it away behind an ear. Above, clouds, most white and a few grays, filled the wide expanse of the sky. She was used to a sky that touched brick buildings, that stopped before it reached its horizon. The Nebraska sky was much greedier. It arched overhead and bent so low that it drank up the grass in the distance. She’d never seen so many clouds in her life.

Ellie wondered if Wyoming would be mostly sky and grass or if it would have forests with tall trees. Would it be empty and rural or filled with towns and cities? As the questions stacked up in her head, she asked them to Tess one at a time. Tess answered calmly, but without much detail, leaving much to the imagination. Ellie asked what other states looked like, where Tahiti was, what it was like to swim at the beach. She tried to live through Tess’s memories, the closest she could get to experiencing the places she’d probably never see.

As they talked, they made the last turn that Tess had said would be south. They walked on a raised area of land that allowed them to see miles of the straight road ahead. If Tess had been right, the next intersection they’d pass would be Carey road. Ellie tried to read the green sign that sat lower down the hill, but it was too far.

A short time later, while Tess answered Ellie’s question about how long it would take to see forests again, Ellie squinted at the road sign ahead. Then her eyes widened, and she took off down the hill, Tess’s words trailing off behind her.

“The hell is she doing?” she heard Joel ask. Ellie pumped her arms and her shoes slapped hard against the pavement as she closed the distance, the letters becoming easier to read.

“It says Carey!” Ellie yelled over her shoulder.

Out of breath, she stopped at the intersection, half expecting the adults to jog behind her to catch up, but instead she had to wait for them as they walked at their regular pace down the long hill. Tess had been right. Finding their way back had been simple, like they’d never been lost in the first place. When Tess and Joel reached her, Tess had that amused glimmer in her eyes again and Joel, as always, seemed unimpressed.

Ellie recalled everything Tess had told her about the map. “We turn this way, right? Cause it’s west?” she asked, pointing in the direction she was pretty sure led to Wyoming.

“That’s right,” Tess said, walking past her. “Nice job.”

Ellie smiled, warmth like sunlight spreading in her chest, and she turned so that she stayed facing Tess, following her and Joel onto Carey road. The hope that she’d stuffed down that morning lifted again and this time she let it rise far above her head just to enjoy the warmth for a few moments. After that, she’d pull it back down to reality and remind herself of the truth. For now, though, Ellie was a part of their team and she always would be.

The mass of gray clouds made a home far down Carey road, growing, sucking in all the surrounding clouds and turning those gray too. Conversations started and stopped, some between Ellie and Tess, others between Tess and Joel. Hour after hour, the threatening storm collected more and more clouds. It remained miles ahead, unmoving, like it was waiting for them. The clouds stacked up as tall as those glass buildings Ellie had seen outside the QZ. She wasn’t sure how fast storms could move, but the last one had been fast enough to sneak up on them.

She glanced at Tess, who stared down the mass of clouds, like her gaze alone could intimidate the storm to retreat.

“Let’s get a fire started. We’ll cook the rest of the food,” Tess decided.

The nearest grouping of trees were about a quarter mile off from the road. All three walked across the grass faster than usual, an unspoken agreement not to test the unpredictability of Nebraska again.

When they reached the trees, Joel and Tess began skinning the last rabbit and the pair of squirrels. Ellie collected sticks, throwing them in a pile large enough to cook everything quickly. She arranged the sticks the best she could, copying the techniques Joel and Tess had used at every meal. Tess gave a nod of approval when Ellie finished and she paused her skinning to start the fire. Ellie sat back, her hope rising higher now that she’d contributed.

One rabbit and three squirrels roasted over the fire. By the time they finished cooking the food, the threat of the storm had spread, taking over more of the blue sky. Joel and Tess stuffed the steaming meat into the iron pot and tied a shirt around its top, creating a makeshift lid. Once the food was in Joel’s pack, the three headed for the road again, not bothering to stamp out the fire—the rain would do that for them.

Wind swept past, shaking their shirts and rustling their hair as they walked towards the nearest house down the road. A mile ahead, the storm glowered at them and Ellie heard deep rumbles that promised thunder.

Finally, they reached a small farmhouse covered in white peeling paint. They walked across a patch of grass to a front porch with a wooden rocking chair in its corner. They scaled the porch stairs, passing a line of plant pots that contained only dry soil. Joel reached the door first, giving the handle a slow twist before it caught—locked.

“I could break the window,” Joel offered.

“Let’s check if it’s open first.” Tess moved to the end of the porch where the window was. She pressed her hands flat against the glass as Joel spoke.

“If the door’s locked, what makes you think that…” His words quieted when the window lifted with ease.

Tess gave him a quick lift of the brows before putting a leg through the window and bending to get through.

As soon as Tess was inside, Ellie asked the question she’d been holding in for the last few hours. “You said sorry to her, didn’t you?” Joel side-eyed her and Ellie let a slow smirk lift the corner of her mouth.

“Mind your business,” he said.

“I fucking knew. She was pissed at you this morning.”

Joel turned his head. “Listen, you little sh–” Joel cut his words off as the front door creaked open.

Ellie pressed her lips together, hiding her smirk as Tess’s gaze switched between them. “I can’t leave you two alone for a second, can I?”

“It’s fine.” Joel stepped inside first, pushing the door wider so he could get past Tess.

Ellie started to follow, but Tess moved, blocking her way. “Wait out here.”

“Why?” Ellie asked.

“We need to make sure the inside’s clear.”

“But I have a gun. I can help.”

Tess gave her a mock stern look. “We’ll be right back.”

Tess went back inside and Ellie stepped back onto the porch, waiting alone. What was the point of having a gun if she never got a chance to use it? She’d covered them back in Kansas City, but they seemed to have forgotten all about that. Feeling bored, her attention shifted to the rocking chair. She walked over to it and gave the arm of the chair a small push. It creaked as it rocked back, then forward, then back again.

She turned to sit in it, and her stomach dropped as she sat and fell back. Ellie threw an arm out, catching the peeling porch railing so she wouldn’t fall. While holding onto the railing for control, she eased the chair back until it stopped, then eased it forward again. To her left, Tess stepped out onto the porch and Ellie quickly released the railing, letting the rocking chair rock back and forth so it wouldn’t look like her first time sitting in one.

Tess’s brow lifted, and Ellie schooled her expression to a relaxed one. “It’s clear. Come on.”

Ellie scooted out of the chair and it continued to rock as she followed Tess. Once inside, Ellie took in the room, scanning it in confusion. The room looked like a living room, but white sheets covered all the furniture. Why would someone do that? At what Ellie assumed was a couch, Joel pulled back its sheet, a billow of dust rising as he did. A short bookshelf made of dark brown wood stood next to the couch. All three shelves were full and Ellie went straight for it as Tess shut the door. Joel lowered himself onto the far side of the beige couch, making old man sounds as he settled in.

“Why are there sheets on everything?” Ellie asked as she scanned the shelves for comic books. Unsurprisingly, there weren’t any.

“People thought the outbreak would end quickly. They thought they’d come back,” Tess said.

Ellie snorted, looking back at Tess, who picked up a picture frame from a small side table. “They were stupid then.”

“It’s what the government said,” Joel explained.

“Well, your government was stupid too,” Ellie said with feigned cheer. Then she saw it—Joel’s small smile flashed, gone before she could blink, and Ellie’s hope rose steadily at first, then lifted helplessly out of her reach. Bringing it back down later would be a pain, but maybe if she could make Joel smile more, she wouldn’t have to.

Ellie spent the next few minutes looking through the titles on the bookshelf, discovering fairly quickly that whoever lived here had been boring as hell. She cared nothing about Low Cholesterol Recipes for Life or 100 Ways to Retire in Style. One book stood out on the lowest shelf. It had a soft yellow cover with an illustrated rabbit on the front. Watership Down. The summary on the back didn’t intrigue her, but it was better than reading her comic for the millionth time.

After pulling a sheet off of a comfy-looking seat near the window, and a quick sneeze from the dust, Ellie sat and opened the first page. The story was weird. It was about a rabbit that could see into the future, who later convinced his rabbit friends to leave their home to escape one of his premonitions. While reading, Ellie felt a growing awareness that she knew what these characters in the book tasted like. At the point in the story when the rabbits reached a river they needed to cross, the letters began blending together and Ellie closed the book. She pressed her cheek to the soft fabric of the seat, letting her eyes flutter closed.

Later, sounds of light metal clanking together pulled Ellie out of sleep. To her left, Joel had his head tilted back on the couch snoring softly and Tess, past the archway at the other side of the room, opened drawers and cabinets in the kitchen, making more commotion. The house was much dimmer now and Ellie turned to the window to see what time of day it was.

Her mouth parted as she took in the sky. Over one half of the sky, dark storm clouds had almost stretched to the house. On the other side, calm violet clouds floated in front of shades of pink bleeding into rusty orange. Ellie got up, wanting to see how tall the storm had gotten now.

“Where are you going?” Tess called out when Ellie reached the door.

“To look outside.”

Tess stood from the low cabinet she’d been digging through. “Don’t go far. Make sure I can see you from the window.”

Ellie nodded and went out. At the bottom of the porch stairs, she looked up. If the storm clouds had been tall before, they were giants now. The low sun’s orange rays lit the edges of each cloud, darkening their centers. She watched the clouds drift westward for a minute.

A light drizzle of rain drops came with a gust of wind, making small wet spots on her head and arms. She was glad that rain was coming. Maybe more trees could thrive out here if it rained enough. The land they grew on seemed to be eating away at all of them, stealing life until most of the land looked mostly abandoned, like the cordyceps did to people.

Growing up in the QZ, Ellie had heard the story of the outbreak countless times. The land had turned its back on the living, making space for the cordyceps to spread its tendrils beneath the earth.

Then people clustered together, watching out for each other. That was how living things survived in places that didn’t want life to grow. They gathered and grew anyway, brittle and short, dead branches falling off, but still holding on.

Ellie heard the door creak behind her as another gust of wind blew rain on her.

“Come back inside.” Tess said from the porch.

Ellie looked over her shoulder. “Okay, in a second.” Tess crossed her arms slowly, so Ellie added, “I’m not gonna get sick from rain. That makes no sense.”

“I can drag you inside if you want,” Tess said, and while Ellie was pretty sure Tess was exaggerating, she decided not to push it. After one last look at the sky, she climbed the porch stairs and followed Tess inside, shutting the door behind her.

While the outside darkened to a dim gray, they ate their meal with forks for the first time on the trip. Ellie had gotten used to eating from her hands, and it felt foreign to use utensils again.

The rain tapped impatiently on the roof, trying to get through. It groaned and grumbled, then it snapped with booming cracks of thunder.

Later, Ellie continued reading her new book, lit by her flashlight, as sheets of rain fell behind her outside of the window. She turned page after page until the book fell from her grasp and her eyes fluttered closed again.

Throughout the night, the storm raged over the house. It lit the sky with bolts of lightning, searching, but never finding them. Heavy droplets soaked deep into the earth, coating the roots of every tree, nurturing their unrelenting struggle to survive.