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***This story contains an attempt of suicide!! If this is a detonate, please DON’T read!! ¡Look for help, your life is important!! Your life always is worth to living***
So for this to make sense it's pretty much based on the book with overtones of the movie, this is basically what would happen (with a lot more angst) if after the punishment everyone abandons Simon like in the movie.
This story contains a suicide attempt! If this is a trigger, please DO NOT read! Seek help, your life matters!
Sometimes love runs into difficulties, it's normal to fight, get angry, be hurt and suffer. And friendship is just one of the many forms that love takes. That's what Bram thinks, what he uses to justify what he's seeing, what he's doing or rather not doing, maybe Simon doesn't know who he is, but he knows that he hurt Blue and because of that, Bram almost feels good when he sits still, instead of helping and supporting the gray-eyed boy.
"You can't be here, we don't want you here."
Leah's words ring in his ears, and Simon's wounded, incredulous look pierces his mind and heart.
"But what?"
"Go away Simon".
Leah's voice sounds broken, as if it hurts as much or more than it is hurting Simon, but he doesn't seem to notice, he's watching his longtime friend kick him off the lunch table, his gaze sweeps over everyone at the table, when her eyes fall on him, he almost feels himself flanking, but then hears Abby's voice.
"You heard Leah, go away, Simon."
He sees the impact the girls' words have and for a moment feels that Simon really deserves this. By guessing wrong, he tells himself. But his heart sinks in pain when sees those eyes fill with tears and run out of the cafeteria. He doesn't even care about his silly cake anymore.
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Bram is not stupid and notices the changes in Simon, not that he always observes him, anyone would realize that Simon Spier has changed, not just because of the fact that he has been exposed, expelled, or whatever you call it, no one talks about it, since the incident happened, but everyone has seen that the boy who used to laugh with his friends and be just happy, hardly looks the same. And if they talk about him, it's only to wonder if his friends really were, since they're gone now. Simon hasn't even been in the cafeteria since the day the girls yelled at him. He tries to concentrate on the music coming out of his headphones, but the chords quickly fill him with sadness...
Loving and fighting Accusing, denying
I can’t imagine a world with you go
The joy and the chaos, the demons we're made of
The first time that hear them I feel like I understand the gossip, Leah, Nick and Simon have been friends since long before they really knew what friendship was, the second and third time they get it too, even the tenth, but now everything starts to hurt, he feels numb, like he needs to do something else. English class is about to start, but she can hear the whispers, especially now that the music is over.
"It's been over a week, I didn't think Leah was homophobic, that was so unexpected..."
Unable to help himself, his body stiffens, but nothing prepares him for the next whisper.
"Not even the football guys, Bram and Garrett, seemed to get along so well with him..."
I'd be lying if I said he cares about whispers, but this is new, the pain arises in his head and goes to his heart or vice versa and he stops paying attention to the world, dazed in his own pain. And then he doesn't realize that Simon doesn't even make it to class... Once again.
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The days go by blurry as he tries to figure out what to do with the whole Blue thing, but one day he decides it's time to "move on" and deletes the email account, that night he cries himself to sleep. The next thing he knows, it's Thursday, he's sitting as usual right in the middle of the English room, when he sees Cal Prince stand by the door. For a second he wonders what he's doing, since he's not in class, but then a thought crosses his mind. It's here for Simon.
The blue-eyed, laughing boy in the hallway, whom Simon longed for, the perfect gentleman who never left him. His eyes sting and Bram tries to tell himself that Simon deserves to be happy, that it's not his fault that he wasn't in love with him. Mentally he prepares himself for the screams that the demonstration of affection between Cal and Simon can generate, but it never arrives and when he looks at the door again is not surprised to see Simon holding Cal's hand, what surprises him is his appearance, he looks incredibly dull, so small and lost that he does not even smile a little at the brown boy in front of him, He just whispers something quickly, as if to make sure of something. And then he walks into the room as if it hurts to be there.
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Friday is the talent show and there's no way Bram can get it out of his head that something is terribly wrong, everything feels wrong, but he's not sure why. He sees Simon's sisters and parents briefly greet Nick, but Simon is nowhere to be seen. And he's about to run up to them and ask for information about him when a voice interrupts him.
─ ¿Bram? ¿Abraham?
For all the... God… probably hates him, since in front of him is Simon's blue-eyed boy: Cal Prince.
"Can we talk?"
The boy is small, but he looks determined, and Bram wonders if Simon has somehow strangely figured out who he is. And now her boyfriend comes to tell her to get away or something.
"Yes...
"Listen, Simon's been in a bad way and I wanted to know if you could tell the rest of his friends that he needs them." I know it's none of my business if you are... mmm...
... Bram doesn't need to listen anymore, because suddenly everything fits, he can practically see it: Simon is alone at home, and he probably feels lonelier than ever, he must not be a genius to make his blood run cold, he has seen the symptoms and has been ignoring them, but now it is impossible the cold runs through his body...
He doesn't really remember asking for Simon's address, but suddenly he's in his car speeding away.
You locked yourself in the bathroom
Lying on the floor when I break through
I pull you in to feel your heartbeat
Can you hear me screaming? "Please, don’t leave me"
It's across the street from the Spier house... The door is open and he hears screams from inside.
Move forward in the darkness and hear the screams more clearly, it's Leah.
"Please!" Someone! HELP!
Her screams seem heartbreaking, he doesn't know how, but he reaches the only room with light and for a moment doesn't understand. Because Simon seems to be asleep and his face doesn't have the pain that seemed to surround him for the past few weeks. But then everything clicks and Bram's worst fears come true, Simon is right under the shower, his body seems to be wet and his wrists, red and terribly fragile, oh god... He only saw them for a second, but he knows that will be enough to torment him for the rest of his days. Leah is there, on top of Simon, trying to keep the blood inside her friend's body, her eyes crazed and full of tears...
"HELP!"
Her sob brings him back to reality, the horrible reality. He pulls out his phone and calls 911, while waiting for them to answer, he slumps to the ground next to Leah. He quickly brings his hand closer to Leah's, to stop the bleeding and with a bit of relief realizes that Simon doesn't seem to be fully soaked, and his pulse feels, weak, but clear.
Hold on, I still want you Come back, I still need you
Let me hold your hand, I'll do it I swear I'll love you all my life
Wait, I still need you.
He doesn't know exactly how much time passes, but suddenly he hears Leah give a direction. He's amazed as she keeps crying as does so, but it may be that he's just amazed at her strength, he doesn't even know what would have happened if he hadn't shown up.
"Bram, is he going to be okay?"
Leah's voice is so different from a minute ago when she was giving the direction that he raises his head in amazement, and now she does see her, she seems so small, all covered in blood and what she hopes is a lot of water, with swollen eyes and a face full of mascara and he realizes that it is the first time he has seen her scared, No, scared is not the word, she's terrified. So does he.
"I... I wish... I mean, he didn't lose that much blood, did he? When Leah shakes her head, he continues, "How... How did you know?
How did you know what Simon was planning? Bram tries to say, but he can't, luckily Leah seems to understand. The cold is starting to sink into his bones, and he's nowhere near as wet as Leah or Simon.
"I knew something wasn't right..." when... when Nora said Si didn't want to go to the presentation, I...
Her voice breaks again and then Bram hears the sirens. And he grips Simon's broken wrists even tighter. You can't let go.
Long endlees hihgway, you're silent beside me
drivin' a nightmare I can't escape from
Helpless praying, the light isn't fadin'
Hiding the shock and the chill in my bones
When they arrive at the hospital, everyone assures him that he will be fine, but a part of him is terrified. They can say it just because it's hospital protocol, he thinks, but then they remind him that he can't be there, that he doesn't have the right to stay by Simon's side and the tears he didn't know was holding out, come out like a torrent. Tired, frozen, and terrified, he slumps against the wall of the emergency room.
How could he allow Simon to do that? How did he not realize the damage was doing to him by leaving him alone? And right after he was expelled in that terribly filthy way, how would he live with that in his conscience? How would I live at all if Simon... If Simon didn't know he loved him...
No, no, the paramedics assured him and Leah that fortunately they had arrived in time. So would think positively, you have to...
"May I ask why you're here?" Lean's voice snaps him out of his thoughts, and he looks upwards to see Leah hugging herself, "I'm sorry I didn't mean to sound like that, I mean I'm so thankful you arrived on time and you'll help me, but..." I don't understand why you would go to Si...
She finishes quickly, sitting next to him on the floor of the hallway. And he takes the opportunity to wipe away his tears a little.
"I... Well you could say it's a bit complicated, amm... "You can see Leah's still confused expression, so he tries to explain himself better." "Do you remember the post about Simon, the one that expelled him?"
"Was it you?" "Leah's eyes are filled with anger, but they also look disappointed." You..?
"No. I, I..." I mean, I'm the guy I was talking to...
Well, in short, I don't know how to express myself when someone sees me in a terribly threatening way, he thinks as he sees Leah processing the information he just gave her. She is silent for a moment and then starts blinking rapidly, then she does something that I would never expect from her, because he has seen her for years, she is not one of those who shows affection to those she does not consider important.
She embraces him.
"You're Blue."
It's more of a statement than a question, but it nods anyway. She doesn't know what will happen now, she left Simon alone.
Just like you... He whispers a voice in his head. But she's probably not homophobic, maybe something else happened.
"I... Things got so complicated and... Leah whispers, as if trying to calm him down, "and I thought... I thought he was fine... I was so, so angry and now I don't even know why, I don't think it even matters... I don't know what I'll do if he... I need him to be alright...
Her voice fades and she starts crying again, so does he, so he just clings to it.
They took you away on a table
I pace back and forth as you lay still
They pull you in to feel your heartbeat
Can you hear me screaming? Please don't leave me?
Simon's family arrives in a whirlwind, accompanied by Nick and Abby, who look as if someone has ripped a part of their soul out and for a moment he wonders if they let him be there, so as soon as Simon's mother approaches them, Bram is ready to wait outside the hospital, since she knows he wouldn't bear to leave, but Leah keeps him in place, probably guessing his thoughts. But suddenly he is wrapped in a tearful embrace, Emily Spier is thanking him for arriving on time and avoiding a greater tragedy, not knowing that he was one of the causes, although it seems that he does not care.
She seems to know that Bram needs to be here, because she puts all her motherly authority into the fact that the doctors tell her that only family can be in the waiting room, and she tells him that they are all her son's family.
*
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*
They've been waiting for some news since they were moved to a less chaotic waiting room. Everyone was silent, Alice and Nora looked at him curiously.
"Abraham?" Bram? "Simon's father's voice is soft and comforting, when his eyes fall on Bram's it gives him a warm smile, which is tremendously shocking, how he could be so calm when his son... when Simon... “I'm Jack, you must be one of the guys at the lunch table, are you okay?" Does your mother know you're here?”
"Me, not exactly..."
"I see, maybe you'd better talk to my wife."
Simon's father interrupts him, gesturing to his wife. When she reaches her side, he turns around and leaves Bram alone with her.
"Do you need anything, honey?" Want to talk?
Emily Spier asks, lovingly and calmly, just as her son would.
"I'm so sorry to have walked away from Simon and allowed him—" for this to happen...
Bram say.
"I can assure you that it wasn't your fault or anyone else's fault here, my boy is usually somewhat impulsive and takes the first option he sees, he calls it Simon's logic." But I'm sure he'll be fine." She says, shaking his hand, to reassure him, "but now I need to know if your parents are okay with you being here." If you don't want to leave, that's fine, but we need to let them know.
"My mom will be fine, but could I talk to her?" So she doesn't think I'm lying to get away with some guy or something.
He says and sees the impact of his words, careful not to blush furiously under his gaze.
"Sure, shall we go outside?"
He feels everyone's eyes on him, but he doesn't turn around. He is mentally preparing himself for the explanations he must give.
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When she re-enters the waiting room, she realizes that neither Simon's sisters nor father are there, but he doesn't worred. He knows that if something had happened, he would have been warned. Her mom had a quick chat with Mrs. Spier and when they finished talking, Emily gave her space to talk to her mom and she went back to the others.
"Si don't mention a boyfriend exactly, but I know something hasn't been right with a guy..." I should have paid more attention...
Abby's voice is barely a whisper, but you can tell she's worried.
"But he and Cal have been fine..."
She is interrupted by Nick, who sounds as if he had recently cried.
"Cal Prince is a very nice young man, but I know he and Simon aren't dating, he said he couldn't do that to either of them... But I feel like I'm missing pieces…"
Emily ends with a tired tone. And then everyone notices his return. All eyes are on him again.
"Bram, the doctors say Simon will be fine, he's just anesthetized right now, and they estimate he'll be fine in a couple of hours." They didn't tell us anything before because they wanted to make sure that the blood transplants were okay and that he would be...
He doesn't know what to do, so he just nods and slumps into the chair next to Leah. It seems like tiredness is coming to his body, but he's terrified to close his eyes.
Come back, I still need you
Let me take your hand, I'll make it right
He's always been smart, everyone tells him so, his parents, his teachers even his friends, but right now he wishes he wasn't, because then he could keep the truth from tearing his heart apart, he or rather Blue, was the reason why all this happened, Simon had begged Blue not to leave him alone, he told him she couldn't stand it if he disappeared too. But he did, he thought Simon was fine... Or at least he lied to himself believing that. But the signs were clear, Simon didn't walk away because everyone turned their backs on him, he never asked for help for any reason, how terrified was he of being discovered? How threatened was the person who ended up expelling him?
The clock reads one twenty-three in the morning when Cal Prince shows up at the hospital, looking like he's just woken up, which is very likely. He's got his cell phone in his hand and looks like he's living his worst nightmare, but he still has those blue eyes that Simon clearly loves.
Cal sees the Spier family and quickly approaches them. Bram's heart drops a little as he sees the way the Spiers seem delighted with the boy who has just arrived, as if he is already a part of them. And he can't help but wonder if Simon had lied to his family about his relationship with Cal.
"Cal and Simon aren't dating."
Leah's voice almost makes him jump out of his seat, he thought she was still asleep, but he processes the information almost too hopefully.
"Do you know why?"
He asks with feigned indifference.
"Alice thinks Simon has a crush on someone else
"Anyone else?" But...
He is quickly interrupted when Cal sits down across from him
"Thank you for being on time."
*
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Almost twelve hours later Simon asks to see him, he's the last one to enter and frankly he's terrified. But he plucks up his courage and walks to the door of the room.
As soon as she sees him her stomach churns, she feels bad, her wrists are bandaged and she has several tubes, but her gray eyes are full of life. And he clings to that to talk.
"Hello." Can I come in?
Simon blinks a couple of times before answering.
"Of course.
Bram would be lying if he said he wasn't struggling so as not to look nervous in front of him, he holds the package his mother brought him a few hours ago as if it were a lifeline. Before his knees begin to shake, he sits down in the chair next to Simon's bed.
"Thank you for coming to my house and you know how to save me..."
"I'm glad you're recovering..."
They say at the same time and he sees Simon turn a slightly pink hue.
"Cal and Leah say you were my superhero last night."
"Leah was the heroine, I just helped her a little, but to tell the truth we were terrified when we found you."
"Leah has always been my hero, but you, well, I... I'm sorry you saw me like that.
"I'm not sorry," he whispers as he watches Simon stir uncomfortably in his hospital bed, "I mean, I wish I'd arrived sooner or been there before you even considered..."
"It wasn't your fault..."
Simon interrupts him, in a serious voice. Oh, if only it were true.
"I left you alone, it was my fault."
Now Simon looks terribly confused and Bram knows it's time to come out, to stop hiding, because he couldn't bear to lose the gray-eyed boy, he'll have him even if it's just as a friend.
"Can I hold your hand?"
He asks, and Simon nods as another blush rises across his face.
The feeling of his hands together is incredible, but right now he only feels nerves. Trying not to look too strange, he hands the shirt and waits. Simon's eyebrows raise as he identifies whatever is printed on the shirt.
"I'm sure Elliott knows you would have gone to his concerts if you could..."
That's it, totally exposed to Jaques. If Simon doesn't connect the dots at that moment, he probably never will, but he listens as Simon takes a deep breath and watches him, before lowering his gaze to his joined hands and returning to his face, again and again.
Then he speaks, and his voice is so full of hope and fear, as if he feels just as exposed as Bram.
"Blue?"
He nods in fear, but feels Simon's hand squeeze his. And before regret it, take a deep breath.
"I love how you smile, like you're not aware that you're smiling. I adore your perpetually tousled hair, like you just woke up. I love how you extend eye contact a moment longer than necessary. And I adore your moon-gray eyes. Those same ones who are now wide open, as if they can't believe what they're hearing and Bram closes his eyes before continuing. So, if you think I'm not attracted to you, Simon, you're crazy.
"Bram...
Simon's voice radiates emotion and when their eyes meet, Simon is smiling at him and can't help but return the gesture.
"I was hoping you was Blue."
I swear to love you all my life
Hold on, I still need you
I don't want to let go
I know I’m not that strong
I just wanna hear you, saying ”Baby, let’s go home”
Let’s go home